Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 8 - Julia Gets Her Head Stuck in a Fence - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Suzanne] Charlene.

[Charlene] What's your question?

Has the mail come yet?

Suzanne, am I the
only person around here

capable of walking out to
the mailbox and looking?

No. But Anthony
hasn't come in yet.

Now this is important.
I'm serious, Charlene.

The governor's ball is tonight.

So?

So my invitation
still hasn't arrived.



I'm sure it's just an oversight.

I mean, after all,
Julia's been invited,

and I'm always invited
to the governor's ball.

Suzanne, I don't mean
to hurt your feelings,

but maybe it's
time to face the fact

that maybe you
weren't invited this year.

That wouldn't be
so bad, would it?

I mean, Sugarbakers
still gets to decorate

the great big
front entrance hall.

It's such an honor.

You can come down
there with us this afternoon

and see all the decorations.
Wouldn't that be fun?

Oh, big woo.

And, like, after the banquet,



you and I can go
back in the kitchen

and scrape plates.
Won't that be fun?

[Anthony] Morning, ladies.

Anthony, is there
anything in the mail?

Well, nothing much,

just this invitation
to the governor's ball.

I knew it. Didn't I tell
you it would come?

What did I say, Charlene?

There are those who are
in, and those who are out.

- Suzanne...
- What?

That's my invitation.

What do you mean?

I'm going to the
governor's ball.

Which governor's ball?

The governor's ball.

Suzanne, don't you
ever listen when we talk?

Anthony is on the
list of honorees.

He's one of 10 ex-convicts
being given the Boot Strap Award

for being an
outstanding citizen.

Oh, well, whoop-dee-doo.

Just cannot believe this.

I mean, obviously, the
governor's ball guest list

has just been
taken over by idiots.

Should have seen
this coming last year

when they honored that dog

that was in that
Burt Reynolds movie.

Oh, I just love these. We've
been rummaging around

through a bunch
of Julia's old stuff

back there in the store room.

Come over here,
Charlene, and look at this.

Suzanne, there's some
great pictures of you in here.

I know. I always
make a great picture.

Let me see.

There's a picture
of Suzanne and Julia

when they were on vacation
in the Smoky Mountains

when they were little
girls. Aren't they cute?

[Charlene] Oh, look at that.
You're just like y'all are now.

Look, Julia's standing
there, all dignified,

and Suzanne's got her
head stuck in the stocks

trying to get attention.

What are ya'll dragging all
this old stuff out for, anyway?

I was looking for
some old pictures

of the governor's mansion

to see how they used
to decorate the staircase.

Don't you remember
when Daddy took us there

for dinner when we were little?

[Mary Jo] Suzanne,
this is incredible.

At 6 years old,

you were lying across
the tops of grand pianos.

Of course.

You know, as long as
it went with the song.

Suzanne, you always
laid on the piano.

You even did it
on "Silent Night."

Oh, look.

There's Julia
sittin' up so straight

in her little pleated
skirt and ponytail.

You were so grown
up in these pictures

even when you were a baby.

Really, Julia, didn't you ever
do anything silly or spontaneous?

No.

I can't believe we
dragged out all this stuff,

and there's not one
picture of the staircase.

Suzanne, you are
gonna come over there

with us this afternoon?

I mean, we need your
help hanging that swag.

Mary Jo, are you
out of your mind?

I'm not setting foot in
the governor's mansion.

If you think I'm
gonna go over there

and hang swags
and arrange flowers

and polish floors like some big
old good-hearted charwoman,

then you are just
out of your mind.

Who do you think you're
talking to here, Ma Kettle?

Suzanne, I know
that you are upset

about not being invited.

But that does not excuse
you from rolling up your sleeves

and pitching in
with the rest of us.

Julia, I'm not upset
about not being invited.

I'm upset because I did
not receive my invitation.

In fact, Charlene, I want
you to go over there right now,

and get on the phone
and call the post office,

and find out who our mailman is.

We're just gonna get to
the bottom of this right now.

Suzanne, I don't need
to call the post office.

I know who our mailman is.

His name is Charles Ferguson.

He is 60 years old. He
has arthritis real bad,

has about 12 grandchildren,
and is very sweet.

If he stole my invitation
to the governor's ball,

he's gonna think arthritis.

I'm gonna crush
his little knuckles

so he'll never
deliver another letter.

[phone rings]

Hello, Sugarbakers.
Oh, hi, Reese, darling.

We're just heading out
for the governor's mansion

with the rest of
the decorations.

Oh, you're not serious.

Well, I'm so disappointed
but I understand.

Yeah. Oh, doesn't matter.

I didn't care about
going anyway.

I've been so many
times. It's all right.

Yeah. I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

I guess we better get
this stuff and get going.

Well, what was that all about?

Oh, some court
case has fouled up,

and Reese can't
go anywhere tonight.

He has to work.

Oh, Julia, no.
That's such a shame.

Well, these things
happen. It can't be helped.

You know, Julia,
I just can't believe

how lightly you are taking this.

I mean, this is like the biggest
social occasion of the year,

and well, I just
want you to know,

even though I wasn't going,

that I'm truly, truly
devastated for you.

Thank you, Suzanne.

Now can I have your invitation?

[Mary Jo] Suzanne,
where have you been?

We could have used your help.

Well, I'm sorry, Mary Jo.

I had to go check
out the banquet hall

to see where I'd
be sitting tonight.

It's a good thing I did, too.

Julia, you know where
you would have been?

They had you stuck
way down by the kitchen.

Suzanne, did you
switch the place cards?

I certainly did. Now,
don't you worry about it.

There's plenty of room
at the governor's table.

They had him sitting
next to some old GI,

Lieutenant Something.

Suzanne, that's the
Lieutenant Governor.

Well, whatever.

He's sitting at the
convicts table now.

You'll enter here, Governor.

The people will be
standing down there

in the foyer as
you welcome them.

You'll stop briefly here
and then continue down.

That's all you
need to know, sir.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, but
what are you doing?

Are you putting
pins in this banister?

Yes. They're very tiny pins.

No. I'm sorry. We don't do that.

This is the Abbot
banister. It's priceless.

It's the only example
of Abbott's carpentry

that has never been cut.

Aside from being
incredibly rare,

it has significant
historical value.

It's one of the only
things that survived

when Sherman burned
the original mansion.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

- No pins.
- No pins.

Well, doesn't she have a
wonderful sense of humor.

I'd hate to be stuck
in her elevator.

Ah, who cares?

She's just a little usherette.

Suzanne, she's not an usherette.

She's the manger
of the entire mansion.

Furthermore, there's nothing
wrong with being an usherette.

I was an usherette at the
Rogers Theater in Poplar Bluff.

You know, it's a
very difficult job,

especially for a female.

I mean, you just
try attracting a man

when you've got gold rope
hanging off your shoulders,

a flashlight on your belt,
and gum on your shoe.

Well, I don't know
about you all.

But I think we all deserve
a great big pat on the back.

I think this place is
looking pretty spiffy.

It is, and these pictures
are gonna look terrific

in our portfolio.

Mary Jo, how about your bust
next to George Washington's?

[laughing]

Oh, you make a
great-looking couple.

Give him a kiss. [giggling]

Give me the camera
now. I'll do you.

Come on. No, no, no. I'm a mess.

Oh, come on. You look terrific.

You look beautiful.

Okay, baby, you're feminine.

You're confident. You're sexy.

You have that look
that says, "Hey, it's me.

I've got that fresh
feeling everywhere."

Okay. Suzanne, it's your turn.

It's great.

It's of historical significance.

Okay, Julia, your turn.

Now come on down
here. Strut your stuff.

You all are really
getting out of control.

I'd like for you to remember

we are in the
governor's mansion.

In a few hours,
people will be arriving.

- Let's get out of here.
- I knew she wouldn't do it.

It's just like all those
pictures we looked at today.

She'll never do anything silly.

Julia, come on. Really.

For once in your life, do
something spontaneous.

Well, all right.

That's hysterical.

[Mary Jo] This is great.

Julia, I hate to tell you,

but you look absolutely foolish.

- [Charlene laughing]
- Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!

You're gonna have to
blow this up to poster size.

Okay. I hope
ya'll are satisfied.

Now let's get out of here.

[Charlene] Oh, my gosh.

I know what ya'll are thinking.

You're thinking my head
is stuck in this banister

but it's not 'cause that
would be ridiculous.

It's just a little
tight, that's all.

It's not stuck.
I'll just have to...

I'll sort of
squeeze it a little.

Oh, my gosh.

Don't fall for this.

She's just doing this as a joke

because we said she never
does anything spontaneous.

Well, Julia, it's
not going to work.

It's not funny. Just
get your head out.

I can't.

Tell me you're kidding.

Mary Jo, read
my lips. I'm stuck.

Oh, my gosh.

Please stop saying that.

Julia, are you
absolutely positively sure

that you absolutely positively
cannot get your head out?

I can't believe this. I'm stuck.

Oh, my gosh.

Julia, looks like you're
gonna be using this after all.

Okay, everybody,
on the count of three.

All right. 1, 2, 3.

Ha.

Well, this is pointless.

All we're doing
is stretching her.

Well, I called Reese.

But he's in the judge's
chambers and can't be disturbed,

so I called Bill
at the air base,

and guess what.

General Parks has some
extra tickets to the ball,

and he's gonna
give them to Bill,

so now we can all go.

You're kidding.

Oh, I don't have
a thing to wear.

Oh, neither do
I, but it'll be fun.

All right. All right.

That's enough. I've had it.

I want somebody to go get a saw.

Now Julia, you know
what Miss Betz said.

We cannot cut this banister.

I know that, Mary Jo.

I want you to cut my head off.

[Anthony] This does not make
any sense. You got it in there.

You ought to be
able to get it out.

Julia, are you comfortable?

Oh, yes, very, Charlene.

I don't remember when I
felt more relaxed and content.

You don't have to be sarcastic.

I was just wondering if
you'd like a Coca-Cola

or maybe a Sony Walkman.

No, Charlene, but
thank you for asking.

You know, Julia, maybe
it's not as bad as it seems.

I mean, most people
who'll be here tonight

have already seen you, you know,

when you walked down
that fashion show ramp

with the back of your dress
tucked in your pantyhose.

So at least tonight,

you'll be featuring
a better side.

It's just a thought.

I just cannot believe
that this is happening,

tonight of all nights.

And this evening, in
the governor's mansion

of the great state of Georgia,

I am finally gonna be
recognized for my struggle.

And who would have thought
after that long hard uphill climb

when I finally reached
the top of the staircase,

Julia would be here
with her head stuck in it.

Oh, I want y'all
to go on seriously.

I can't take
anymore cheering up.

Don't be silly. We are
gonna stay right here with you.

That's right, until we
have to go and get dressed.

[Miss Betz] Okay.

And I think a few more
flowers in the powder room.

Oh, my gosh. It's that woman.

She's coming back.
What are we gonna do?

[Anthony] Just be cool.

[Miss Betz] And then check
all the mirrors for spots.

I thought you all would
be finished by now.

Well, keep your pants
on. We're getting there.

May I ask what that is?

Certainly.

Tell her, Mary Jo.

Do you know anything
about decorating?

No.

Well, this is what we
call a decorator's dummy.

We use it to verify
proportions aesthetically

and practically for
chairs and sofas.

Well, what's it doing
on the stairway?

Well, you know, we
just kind of like to keep it

close to us as kind of a mascot.

We're gonna move it in a minute.

Miss Betz, now this banister
isn't all that important.

Is it? I mean, if
we for some reason

needed to take it apart, you
know, would that be so bad?

Take apart the Abbott banister?

Oh, sure. You can do that.

You can also
drill a light socket

in the Mona Lisa's face,

but I don't think that would
be advisable or appreciated.

Anyway, the Abbott banister
is the only one of its kind

in the entire South.

It was carved as one piece.

Why do you ask?

Oh, no reason.

We're just sort
of banister buffs.

Well, I expect you
all to be out of here

in the next 10 minutes.

Okay. That's it.

I've had it.

Miss Betz, uh, is it?

I don't know any
way to tell you this.

So I'll just say
it straight out.

I seem to have stuck my
head in your Abbott banister

and it doesn't look like

it's gonna be coming
out anytime soon.

So I would suggest
that you either cover me

with a big paint tarp
or rip out your party...

Are you serious?

Your head is stuck in there?

That is correct.

How old are you?

[Mary Jo] Look, it would
be too hard to explain.

I mean, the thing is
that it has happened,

and now we just have
to do something about it.

Well, you certainly do.
You have to get out of there.

In one hour and 45 minutes,

we're having the
social event of the year,

and I am responsible for
the success of that event.

If you think I'm gonna
have my name on a party

where there's a woman
with her head stuck in a fence,

you're out of your mind.

What are you people
trying to do me?

Annihilate me?

Do you think I came this far,

this fast to be run
out of town on a rail?

Well, now, let me tell
you, you have 10 minutes

to get her the hell
out of that banister,

or I'm calling in
the National Guard.

[Mary Jo] Miss Betz?

What is it?

You have a little string
of spittle right there.

You know, I'm sorry,

but I don't think we
like your tone of voice.

Who do you think
you're talking to?

For your information,

we are the Sugarbaker
sisters of Atlanta.

We had people living
here long before it burned.

Our great-great-grandfather

was Robert E. Lee's
roommate in college.

Our other grandfather

helped write the
Georgia constitution.

I myself have stood in the
Rose Garden with Jimmy Carter,

so even if we do,
on this particular day,

happen to have our head
temporarily stuck in a fence,

we are not gonna take any crap

off some two-bit low-level
bureaucratic usherette...

Now settle down, y'all.

It's not gonna do
us any good to fight.

Miss Betz, maybe
you should consult

with some of the mansion
maintenance people,

you know, like carpenters.

Carpenters?

There is no reason
to talk to carpenters

because it doesn't matter
what carpenters say.

We are not going to tamper
with the Abbott banister,

and that is absolutely final.

I think you're a
little over the top

on this Abbott banister thing.

I can understand, you
know, if this was the staircase

from Gone With
the Wind, you know,

or even Psycho, you know,

but personally, I
have never even heard

of the Abbott banister.

I think it's maybe just
gotten exaggerated

a little bit in your
mind, you know.

Maybe you should think about
getting interested in something else.

I am going to go
have a conference now

with the Chief of Staff

and several members
of the State Police.

Now when I return, I will
expect that you people

will either have
corrected this problem,

or will be prepared to explain

to the Governor
himself exactly why not.

Well, that's simple.

Yo, Governor, got our
head stuck in the fence.

Can't get it out,

and Miss Betz
won't give us a saw.

What's hard to understand?

[Charlene] This is worse than
the day you mooned Atlanta.

At least you didn't have
to look people in the eye.

You know, Julia, now,
I hate to bring this up,

but we're gonna have to go
and get changed, you know,

and I think that I
should go by your house

and get a ball gown, you know,

just in case you're
still stuck in there

where everybody gets here.

And, Mary Jo, go by my house

and pick up my two-piece
sailor dress and matching pumps.

That's all I'll need.
I'll stay here too...

That reminds me,
now about shoes,

you want a high or a low heel?

It doesn't matter.

[Suzanne] Okay, now Julia,
you're gonna have to help me here.

Let's suck it in.

[Julia] Oh Suzanne! Be careful.

My sleeve is caught.

[Suzanne] Well, I'm sorry,
Julia. I'm doing the best I can.

You want me to come up there

and yank on your
legs some more, Julia?

[Julia] No, no, Anthony.
I can't beat my ears

against these bars anymore.

Julia, maybe this is one of those
cosmic messages from beyond.

Maybe you just weren't meant
to be a laugh-a-minute gal.

Hey, what about
that Miss Betz broad?

She come back yet?

Oh, several times.

Last time, she brought
this huge state trooper.

He measured Julia's head.

Okay. She's finished.

[Charlene] Oh, Julia,
you look beautiful.

Thank you, Charlene.

- I don't know.
- What's wrong?

I think these pantyhose
are too dark for this dress.

[Julia] Oh, my goodness.

You better do something,
that could be embarrassing.

I mean, in 45 minutes,

when the finest
people in Georgia

are gathered here before me,
I wouldn't want anyone to say

"Did you see that woman

with her head stuck
in the staircase?"

"Yes. That woman the
Governor just stepped over."

"Don't you think her pantyhose

are a little too
dark for her dress?"

Now listen, I have a
lighter pair right here.

Suzanne, of all the
experiences I would like to avoid,

I believe having my
pantyhose changed

in the front hallway of
the governor's mansion

would rank right up there.

Well, just excuse me for living.

It wasn't something I was
gonna particularly enjoy myself.

But anyway, what's the
overall game plan here?

I mean, am I supposed
to come back after the ball

and change you into a nightie?

[Julia] The plan is, Suzanne,

to try to get
through the evening,

moment by moment,

preserving some tiny
modicum of dignity

I have tried my entire life,

obviously without
success, to maintain.

I don't know, Julia.

I think we need
to get a better plan.

And so in conclusion,
I'd like to say

that anybody who
receives an award like this

doesn't do it by himself.

There's always
someone behind you,

and I'd like to
acknowledge one person,

a person who stood behind me,

inspiring me to get out
of prison and stay out.

And that person is
Mr. T. Tommy Reed,

the meanest man
on my cell block.

With his hot breath
on your neck,

there is nothing
that you cannot do.

Thank you.

Well, what did you think?

Oh, it's great, Anthony, great.

How about you, Julia?

It's very nice, Anthony.

I'm sorry I'm ruining
your big night.

Hey, you're not
ruining my night.

No way.

I have waited too long for this,

and tonight, when the
Governor shakes my hand,

I want you, most of
all, standing right there.

Anthony, what about
the Abbott banister?

Forget the Abbott banister.

Mr. Abbott is just gonna
have to make another one.

Now look, we have done
everything in our power

to keep from sawing it in
half, but this is the zero hour.

This has got to be done.

Well, what about Miss Betz?

Miss Betz can
take a flying leap.

Suzanne, watch the door.

Oh, okay.

Oh, Anthony, listen,
you be careful now.

I don't want you to
saw Julia's head off.

Suzanne, give
me a little credit.

I happen to know a little
something about sawing bars

and then putting them
back like they were.

I don't know how you did it.

I don't even want to
know how you did it.

But I do know if I'm ever
in charge of a party again,

you people will not be
allowed within a 100-mile radius.

Well, what can we
tell you, Miss Betz.

Don't worry, be happy.

I told you my head
just suddenly came out.

That's all.

Well, my personal theory
is that Julia's head shrank.

You know, how when
people get conceited,

they say they get a big head?

Well, in the face of
great personal humiliation

and degradation, the
opposite happened

and her head shrank.

That's just science.

Attention, please.
Attention, everyone.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Governor of Georgia.

I'm so glad that's over.

The banister looks perfect.

I can't believe we
got away with it.

What can I say?

When it comes to
patchwork, I'm the king.

[groaning]