Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 7 - Bernice's Sanity Hearing - full transcript

♪♪

I'm sorry, but you can't

just change your mind
about a custom piece.

You wanted it, you
ordered it, it's here,

and you're going to
have to take delivery on it.

I don't think anyone
else would want to buy

a black vinyl piano

with the heads of the
Beatles painted over the keys.

Okay, but I... I just hate

to see this
situation deteriorate.

No, we don't use
a collection agency.



We just use Julia.

They refuse to take delivery?

Yes, they just got
a new Mercedes

and his and her motorcycles,

so they're just a little
overextended this month.

Sorry, babe.

Yes, well he's going
to think overextended.

Well, I would love
to meet these two,

They sound like a
real piece of work.

The most repulsive
couple in the world,

Tony and Cassandra Hall.

I mean, they are just
so tan and shallow

and obsessed with plastic
surgery and muscle tone.

Mary Jo, let's don't
get off on them again.



We've heard all the stories.

Oh, I didn't tell
you about Saturday.

I can't believe I forgot.

You know, I went
over there after work

to show them those
suede sofa samples,

and they're looking at
their wedding pictures.

You know, they're
from California.

They're just like
all those hoodie

low-class Beverly Hills
types with lots of money.

Well, anyway, at the reception,

she has on these skin-tight
white sequined Capri pants,

a halter top and
a matching veil,

and they're dancing.

I mean, you know how
most people dance like this?

Well, in every picture,
they are like this.

I mean, I kid you not.

They were like some
Las Vegas show couple.

Yes, well, when I
get through with him,

he won't be able to
lift his leg that high.

Julia, that's vulgar.
That's so unlike you.

No, Mary Jo, that
piano is vulgar.

I can't believe this.
Did you see this?

Droves of vicious killer bees

are heading towards
the United States.

They're from South America,

expected to arrive
in three or four years.

That is terrible.
Can you imagine?

I bet our bees are
scared to death.

Oh, oh, my gosh.

Dan Quayle, Dan Quayle,
Dan Quayle answered my letter.

Oh, I can't believe it.

I can't believe it. Look.

The official seal
and everything.

"Dear Charlene,
the Vice President

"was very gratified to receive
your favorable comments

and appreciates your support."

I... I sent him a little note,
you know, just to cheer him up,

you know, after he got mixed up

and he said that Buzz what's
his name who was a sex offender,

you know, walked on the moon.

Anybody can make a mistake.

Gosh, I'm going to have
to frame this for the baby.

Surprise, we're here.

Hi.

Now, Anthony, I
want you to be careful.

I don't want you
hurting your back again.

Don't worry.

I am just going to
set it down right here.

He's such a good sport.

You know, I sit right
on top of him in the van

because I enjoy seeing
all the stares we get.

Bernice, what on earth
have you brought us?

Well, actually, it's
another present

for Charlene and her baby.

Oh, dear, I wish
Suzanne was here.

What is she doing in Greece?

Oh, she's on some rich
person's yacht near Scorpios.

She says it's a vacation,

but we think that she's gone

to pay her respects
to the sacred ground

where Jackie O got her
$20 million settlement.

And then, on her way home,

she'll probably
whisk off to New York

to have a little meet-and-greet
with Joanna Carson,

culminating the International
Rich Bitch Alimony Tour.

Bernice, this is too much.

A chair.

Look everybody, a chair.

It's not just any
chair, Charlene.

It's a sounds of nature chair.

That's right.

You know, I could
have given you a rocker

but I thought you
and the little one

would enjoy this more.

It has all the sounds
of the Ozarks.

Now, listen, a babbling brook.

Thunderstorm.

Oh, and listen to
this... Croaking frogs.

Just like home.

I showed Bernice my
Sharper Image catalog,

but I had no idea she was
actually going to order this.

This is so sweet.

I'm going to have to put
this right in the nursery.

Well, well, Anthony, I guess
I'd better get back home.

My niece Phyllis and her
two boys, Dick and Dick,

are here for a visit.

Bernice, I believe
that's Nick and Dick.

Do you?

Well, yeah, I believe that's
what their mother called them.

Well, good.

I'm glad because
I really thought

that was a little
bit ridiculous,

naming both of those boys Dick.

Where does your
niece Phyllis live?

In New York.

That's where she
got me this hat.

She got it from the
United Nations gift shop.

Huh. Well, it's
very interesting.

No, it's not. It's a stupid hat.

But I didn't want
to hurt her feelings.

You know, she's been
doing so many things for me

like taking me for check-ups,

and seeing about my finances,
and talking with my attorney.

Boy, what a wonderful piano.

Oh, oh my.

Is this the Channel 2 news team?

No, actually, Bernice,
um, that's the Beatles.

Oh, my, that's really got style.

Well, Bernice, if you
like it, there's a chance

I might be able to give
it to you at half price.

Oh, my.

You know, I've
been wanting a piano.

My mother taught me how
to play when I was a little girl.

♪ May you always
walk in sunshine ♪

She always played
that just for me.

♪ May you always
live with laughter ♪

Bernice, what's wrong?

Bernice, have you been
missing your mama?

Oh, yes. I always miss her.

I miss my whole
family, but it isn't that.

I think Phyllis is trying to
get me declared impotent.

Bernice, that can't be true.

That doesn't even make sense.

Well, I'm sorry.

I heard her on the phone,
talking to my attorney,

and she said, "I'd like to have
Bernice declared impotent."

Bernice, are you sure you
don't mean incompetent?

That's right. That's
what she said.

And she said I was having
trouble taking care of myself,

and that she should be
put in charge of my estate,

and that it's time for
me to go to Havenwood.

Are you sure she actually said

"It's time for Bernice
to go to Havenwood?"

Yes, I think so, unless
she said Hollywood.

Anyway, I know what she's after.

Phyllis is my
closest living relative,

but I own all the
antiques in the family,

and she just wants to
get her hands on those

because she knows I
won't leave them to her.

It's nothing personal,
I just don't like her.

Well, Bernice, have
you tried to dissuade her?

Well, yes, but
since my arthritis,

it's harder to bend anyone's
fingers all the way back.

I'm sure this can be worked out.

After all, you may have some
arterial flow problems, Bernice,

but you're certainly not crazy.

We may just have to
have a little talk with Phyllis.

- What's she like?
- Well, basically,

I think you could
describe her as charm-free.

Hello, I'm Phyllis
McGuire, Bernice's niece.

How do you do?

I'm Julia Sugarbaker,
and these are my partners,

Mary Jo Shively,
Charlene Stillfield.

Oh, so you're Phyllis McGuire.

Boy, I bet you get
kidded all the time

about being one of the
McGuire sisters, huh?

No, actually, that's so
trite, it just never comes up,

but thank you for asking.

When is your baby due?

Well, actually it's not.
I'm just overweight.

But thank you for asking.

So, Phyllis, would
you like to sit down?

We just made a pot of tea.

Well, all right, but
I can't stay long.

I have to pick up
my boys at the zoo.

That would be Nick and Dick?

Well, yes, how did you know?

Bernice told us.

Actually, Bernice thinks
they're both... Never mind.

Yes, I know.

I've heard her call
them both Dick.

I'm afraid Aunt Bernice
is chronically confused.

That's why I want to
have her remanded

to a state hospital
for observation.

State hospital, why?

Because her letters to me

have become
increasingly incoherent,

and since this visit,
I just have no doubt

that she can no
longer care for herself.

Are you kidding?
Bernice always looks like

she stepped right
out of a band box.

Her outfits are a little weird.

A little?

Did you see the hat
she had on yesterday?

Well, you gave it to her.

Yes, as a souvenir, not to wear.

You should have told her.

She was just trying to keep
from hurting your feelings.

Look, I didn't
come here to argue.

Since you are her friends,
I just wanted you to know

that I've gathered
enough evidence

to warrant a competency hearing.

What evidence?

Seems to me that you've
built your entire case

around two dicks and a hat.

It's a lot more than that.

She walks up to complete
strangers and starts singing.

And she sings the
most ridiculous songs.

"Ode to Billy Joe."
She loves that song.

You know, that's
not her favorite.

Her favorite one is that other
one by Bobby Gentry, um, um...

♪ M-I-Double
S-I-Double S-I-Double... ♪

Yeah, oh, she loves that.

She loves to just get
right up in somebody's face

and sing that one.

Oh, so then you know.

Well, did you also know
that she tells everybody

that the black man
who works for you

is her illegitimate son?

We've heard rumors.

That still doesn't
mean Bernice is crazy.

She just has a
unique sense of humor.

Look, I know Aunt
Bernice will ask you

to testify on her
behalf at the hearing.

I was hoping this
wouldn't be messy,

that you'd see it my way.

Well, I'm sorry we don't.

And just for the record,
I think you should know

that even if Bernice were crazy,

that doesn't necessarily
mean she should be put away.

What are you saying?

I'm saying this is the South,

and we're proud
of our crazy people.

We don't hide
them up in the attic.

We bring them right
down into the living room

and show 'em off.

See, Phyllis, no
one in the South

ever asks if you have
crazy people in your family.

They just ask which
side they're on.

Oh, and which side are
yours on, Mrs. Sugarbaker?

Both.

Well, see you in court.

Bernice, I hope you're making
yourself at home down there.

You know, the
hearing's not till 11:00,

so we have plenty of time.

Bernice?

Yo.

I finally finished dressing.

I'm sorry you had
to take a cab over,

but Anthony's had to go to
the airport to pick up Suzanne.

As a matter of fact,

he's taking her straight
to the courthouse

so she can testify
on your behalf.

Far out.

Bernice, are you
drinking the champagne

from Charlene's shower?

Yes, I am.

In fact, if you don't
mind, I'd like to start a tab.

Bernice, I know you're upset,

but do you think it's
wise to be drinking

right before your
competency hearing?

Well, I'm not sure.

When do you think is
the best time to drink?

Hi, everybody. Hi, Bernice.

Charlene called me at home.
She had a doctor's appointment,

so she's just going to
come straight to the hearing.

I was just telling Bernice,

maybe we ought not to
be drinking champagne.

Okay, then let's switch to gin.

I got this from the cab driver.

Bernice, you don't
need any liquor.

You're going to do just fine.

That's right, and you
look awfully pretty.

Oh, well, thank you, Mary Jo.

I got to choose my
own clothes this morning

since Phyllis moved
herself and the two Dicks

over to the Ramada Inn.

She said my Zamfir
Pan Flute album

kept her awake all night.

Well, of course, I kept
her awake all night.

Does she think I want her
fresh for my sanity hearing?

You know, Bernice,
I hate to say this,

but liquor seems to have
the opposite affect on you.

You seem sharper.

I know, that's why I
don't drink very often.

But I figure, today,
I've got to be at my best.

Hi, Bernice. Hi, everybody.

Sorry I'm late. I'm
late every morning now

because I have so much
trouble getting dressed.

I can't see my feet.

I can't even bend over
to pull up my underwear.

Not to worry, Charlene,
I've got this covered.

I had the same trouble
when I was pregnant.

Now, look, here's what you do.

First, you take your underpants
and you throw them out there

about 3 feet in front of you.

Then, with your toes,

you kind of open
the holes in the legs,

just like that,

and then, sticking
both feet into the holes,

then very carefully
you lay back,

and kind of hoist your
legs right up into the air.

Mary Jo.

Just a minute, Julia,

and then you kind
of shimmy them down

until you can reach them and
then you bring them on home.

Hi. You must be the judge.

Phil Kaplan.

You ladies here
with Ms. Clifton?

Uh, yes, yes, we are.

I'm Mary Jo Shively, and...

And this is Charlene
Stillfield and Julia Sugarbaker.

And this is Bernice.

It's so nice to meet you.

Well, how do you do?

Now, just so I understand,

these ladies are here
testifying on your behalf?

Right.

Uh-huh. I see.

Well, I just came in
to get a file out of here,

and we'll be coming in shortly.

Okay, everybody,
now just settle down.

You people are too flamboyant.

You're killing me.

Hello, everybody. We're here.

Oh, Suzanne!

I told you, Julia. I got a
second-degree sunburn.

My eyes are almost swollen shut,

the back of my
thighs are roasted.

I can't sit down
without a pillow.

So I'm not exactly in the
mood for a sanity hearing,

if you get my drift.
Hello, Bernice.

Hello, Suzanne.

You know, I
appreciate your coming,

but if you're going to
have a bad attitude,

you can just get back
on that alimony tour

because today I've got to
have all my wagons in a circle.

She's been drinking.

I missed you.

Oh, Julia, please be careful.

Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to pop my ears.

They've been stopped up
ever since I got off the plane.

I wish you wouldn't
do that. It looks nuts.

Listen, why is
everybody so crabby?

Us? You're the one
who's being crabby.

Didn't you have a good time?

No, I did not, Charlene,
I had a horrible time,

and I'll never again go
on Brad Duncan's yacht,

with him or any of his
repulsive international friends.

In fact, my entire
vacation was just ruined

by this person named
Kathy Badminton.

Supposed to be somebody's
mistress from Switzerland.

I tell ya, the whole
week I just wanted to say

"Hey, get a real name, okay?"

Well, what did she do?

Well, for starters,
she didn't wear a top

for seven straight days.

You know, just any
excuse to go around naked,

and act like you
don't speak English.

If the sun came out,
that top came off.

If the sun went in,
that top came off.

If the moon came
up, that top came off.

I tell you, in my whole life,

I've never been
so sick and tired

of looking at
one girl's breasts.

Oh, Judge Kaplan.

Yes, I was just wondering
if we're all ready to begin.

Why, yes, we're ready.

Good. We'll be right in.

So, anyway, on the last day,

she goes scuba diving topless.

I was hoping a
shark would eat her,

and die of silicone poisoning.

Well, I just can't believe it.

That's twice he's been here,

and she's raving about
some girl's breasts,

and you're on a table
juggling imaginary underwear.

Now, I'm telling you
people for the last time,

you have got to get it together.

So basically, it
isn't just one thing,

it's just a lot of odd things
that Aunt Bernice does.

Like she puts sheep
placenta on her face

every night before going to bed,

and she keeps these
small dolls in her closet

with pins stuck
through the necks.

And the only picture
in her bedroom

is not of my sons, but
of some big dumb pig,

and it says, "May all
your dreams come true.

Love, Neil."

Excuse me. Tthat
is Noelle, not Neil.

I know that pig.

Now, I gave her
the sheep placenta.

My housekeeper gave
her the voodoo dolls.

I don't see what's
weird about that.

I have some myself. It's
a little hobby, you know.

Some people like dolls,
some people like revenge.

Go on, Mrs. McGuire.

Well, anyway,
she's just not normal.

Like the other day, I said,

"What are you
doing, Aunt Bernice?"

And she said, "Writing
a letter to Dan Quayle,"

you know, like she thinks
they're personal friends.

Well, now... Now
that might be my fault.

I encouraged her to
write to the Vice President,

you know, on behalf
of senior citizens.

That's right.

And I just said, "Hey,
Mr. Vice President,

"I don't care if that
guy was a sex offender.

"You were right, if he
walked on the moon,

he deserves some recognition."

It's not just Dan Quayle.

I mean, she'll write
or call up anybody,

even Dr. Ruth.

It's an embarrassment
to my whole family.

Well, I was just
trying to be helpful.

The woman's going
around saying that the brain

is the most important
sexual organ.

Huh! And you call me crazy.

Interesting point.

May I finish, Your Honor.

It's not just the
silly telephone calls

or letters, either.

She's squandering her
money on ridiculous things,

like a chair that
makes frog noises.

Wait a minute.

I'm the one who showed her that.

And now she wants
to buy some piano

with some news
team painted on it.

She called me up all excited,

and then she ends
the conversation with

"Phyllis, you better watch out.

The bees are coming."

Well, I'm afraid... I'm
afraid that's our fault too.

You see, she picks up a
lot of our conversations.

Yeah, I... I might have
told her about that one.

And the piano, that
belongs to us too.

What a surprise.

And you'll notice, Your Honor,

everything seems to have
something to do with them,

even her photo album
is filled with their pictures.

Excuse me. I hate to interrupt,

but, uh, did Jim Bakker
have to go through all this?

I, uh, I wouldn't
know, Mrs. Clifton,

I wasn't there.

Oh, I get it. Gag order.

All right, then,
let's get back to me.

I'd like to say a few things
about my niece Phyllis.

First of all, she covers
all her furniture in plastic

and she won't let
you use the soap

or towels in her bathroom.

There's just a big old
bar of Ivory under the sink,

and you have to wipe
your hands on your pants.

And whenever we
go to McDonald's,

she always wants to
know what the fish is like.

And I always have to say,

"It's square fish,
Phyllis, okay?"

Listen, by the way,
just out of curiosity,

can you fix a traffic ticket?

No, I couldn't. I'm sorry.

I'd like to, but I really can't.

That wouldn't be
fair to the others.

I'll be reviewing the medical
testimony from this morning

along with affidavits from
some of your neighbors

at Hillcrest Condominium.
Something wrong?

Huh, no. No, it's
just air pressure.

Well, I will say, based
on this hearing so far,

it appears to me the
question of your competency

stems less from any mental
imbalance on your part

and perhaps more from
the company you keep.

- What did he say?
- Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll take this under advisement
and render a decision.

He said Bernice is
not nuts, but we are.

Well, I'd like to make a
toast to Judge Kaplan.

Thank you.

You mean, for not
sending Bernice

to the mental hospital?

No, for not sending us.

Hear, hear.

He's cute, don't you think?

He's very nice, Bernice.

He's not as cute
as Judge Wapner,

but I'm not going to
make an issue of it.

Hey, Suzanne, Suzanne,
aren't you going to help

celebrate Bernice
not being nuts?

Oh, yeah,
congratulations, Bernice,

you little fruitcake.

Suzanne.

Just a joke.

Bernice, we know how
much you love this piano

so it's yours, no charge.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Oh, Julia, thank you,
thank you so much.

And secondly, as
a special surprise,

I found the sheet
music for that song

your mother used
to play for you,

and I'd like to play it now.

I just hope it means
as much tonight

as it did then.

♪ May you always
walk in sunshine ♪

♪ Slumber warm
when night winds blow ♪

♪ May you always
live with laughter ♪

♪ For a smile becomes you so ♪

♪ May good fortune... ♪

Just between you and me,

I've never heard
that song in my life.

♪ ...sing your song ♪

♪ May no troubles
travel your way ♪

♪ May your... ♪