Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 10 - Manhunt - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Is Mary Jo in here?

No. She just stepped out back.

- Good.
- What's going on?

Oh, nothing. I just
dinged her car a little bit,

but you can barely see it.

Anyway, what she
doesn't know won't hurt me.

Maybe it won't, but I might.

I left her a note
on the windshield.

Saying what?

What I always say in the note



when I ding a parked car.

Hi there. I dinged your car.

The people
watching me write this

probably think I'm leaving
you my name and address.

Signed Guess Who.

[Julia] What are you
two doing with that?

The Farcaizian brothers
wouldn't take it back.

Oh, no, no. They
have to take it back.

They told us we have a
30-day approval period.

Well, they don't seem to
remember anything about that.

I don't believe this.

I mean, they were so
friendly when we bought it.

Oh, sure. I go over
there to get the rug,

and all these men are
hugging and kissing on me,



going, "Welcome, my friend.

"Special rug for you, my friend.

"Special discount
for you, my friend,

because you are my friend."

It's just a cultural
difference, Anthony.

I don't care, Julia.

I don't like men hugging on me.

And besides,
they're so insincere.

Because when I tried
to bring a rug back,

they go, "You
don't like the rug?

"You do not know a
good rug, my friend.

"You want to buy a cheap
rug from a cheap rug store?

"Then go, go. Here. I
will call them for you.

"Hello. Cheap rug store?

"I am sending you my friend.

"He wants to buy a cheap rug

"that will fall
apart on his floor.

"Now, go. Go,
get out of my store.

You are no longer
my friend, my friend."

I'll call Mr. Farcaizian,
Anthony.

Thank you.

I do not enjoy
having to go through

some big emotional break-up

every time y'all return
something to them.

It's exhausting. And
makes me feel cheap.

Now, Suzanne,
isn't there something

you wanted to say to Mary Jo?

Something about
that dent in my car.

So you already knew.

Who else would
write a note like that?

I'm sorry, Mary
Jo. I didn't mean it.

Oh, that's all right.
You can barely see it.

There are already so many
dents and dings in that car.

Yeah. That's what I figured.

One more ding in that junk
heap wouldn't mean much.

Mary Jo, you cannot
let her get away with this.

The damage may be slight,

but she should do
something to make it up to you.

Julia, did I ever tell you
what an unattractive habit it is

to get in other
peoples' business?

Now you just leave
Mary Jo alone.

We're not bothering you.

This is a personal matter,

and I don't believe we
asked for your input.

Where do you get
this ding stuff anyway?

I remember when you
dinged a family of five

at a traffic light,

and the father had
to go on disability.

Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Charlene.
- Hi.

You look excited.
What's going on?

Oh, not too much, really.

Hey, Charlene, you
remember that walking track

that they were building
out near my house?

Well, they finished it,

and I thought maybe you might
like to come by this weekend,

you know, maybe
take a little walk.

Try it out. What do you say?

Well, my doctor already has
me on an exercise program.

I think I better stick to that.

Oh, yeah. Sure.
Well, that's okay.

What I want to know
is whatever happened

to the good old days
when pregnant women

were allowed to just lie
around like third base?

I mean, now Jane Fonda
is going after them too.

I tell ya.

I liked that woman a lot better

when she was just a communist.

Suzanne, Jane Fonda
was never a communist.

Well, she certainly
dressed like one.

Well, Charlene, how's
the house-hunting going?

Some of these ads
are so misleading.

You know, and half the time,
I can't even read the ad at all

'cause these abbreviations
make no sense.

Oh, no, listen to this.

"Fam hm br rm goo gr garg."

Now what the heck is that?

You know, like I'm
supposed to know

that that means family home

with a breakfast
room, a guest unit,

a garden, and a garage.

I mean, they want me to
spend 150,000 on a house,

but they're too
cheap to buy vowels.

Well, don't get discouraged.
You'll find something.

Yeah. I hope so.

Anyway, see you later.

- [Suzanne] Bye.
- [Julia] Bye.

Bye, Charlene.

Kind of hard when your
best friend gets married,

isn't it, Mary Jo?

Yeah.

I mean, I know Charlene
still loves me just as much.

You know, now she's got Bill.

And things are just different.

I mean, I certainly don't
begrudge her a bit of happiness,

but you know, we used
to do everything together

and now, I just kind of
feel like the third wheel.

Well, J.D. hasn't
been gone that long.

You have to give
yourself a little time.

It's just so frustrating.

You know, I just feel like

everybody in the
world is paired off,

and I'm still here,

standing at the
end of the lift line,

going "Single, single."

Now, Mary Jo, I
know you don't believe

a woman has to be
married or she's worthless.

Well, of course not.

I paid absolutely no
attention to that survey

that came out three
or four years ago

that implied that all women
over 30 are old maids.

I mean, you know,
the one that said

that women in my age category

had only a 5% chance
of ever getting married.

5%! Why, that's incredible.

Well, as long as you
didn't pay it any attention.

Are you kidding?

That was on the cover of People

and the cover of Newsweek.
Everybody saw that.

That is etched on the
brain of every single woman.

Well, maybe it is
hard to meet men,

I mean, for you.

So whatcha gonna do about it?

Well, I've made a decision.

Now Ted's got the
kids this weekend,

and I did have a meeting
with Quint's teacher tomorrow.

You know, I'm on that new
parent-teacher committee thing.

But I called him up and
put that off till Monday,

so I am taking the whole
weekend for myself.

Mary Jo, what are you up to?

I'm gonna meet a
man this weekend,

or die trying.

I thought we were
going to lunch.

Oh, this will just
take a minute.

The restaurant
is right next door.

I don't see it.

Well, why don't
you ask somebody?

Yeah, like I'm gonna go
over to the clerk and yell,

"Hey, I'm a desperate
single woman

looking for a copy of
How to Trap Myself a Man."

Is that the name of it?

No. But it might as well be.

It's called Power Dating.

It's supposed to
be a surefire thing.

- You see it?
- No.

I see Smart Women, Stupid Books.

Julia, a lot of women
swear by this book.

I just want to see what it says.

I can tell you what it says.

It says what they all say.

Hey, all you single women,

there's something
really wrong with you.

Do as we say, or die alone.

It's just a bunch
of clever publishers

preying on women's insecurities.

I don't see a lot of
men running out to buy

How to Please a Woman.

Where is the book The
Men Who Love Too Much?

That would be in
science fiction, Julia.

I mean, let's face it.

Men don't have to read books.

You remember
what the survey said?

There are more of us
than there are of them.

So it's just a big
game of musical chairs,

and frankly, Julia, we're
running out of chairs.

Kindly leave me out of this.

Now, if you will excuse me.

There is a real book
I'd like to buy for myself.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know that,
either. Yeah, glad to help.

May I help you?

Yes. I'm looking for
Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

Who?

This is a bookstore, is it not?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

I could tell by the many
videotapes, calendars,

and stuffed animals on display.

Tell me, do you have any books?

I mean literature.

Anything written by anybody
who hasn't appeared on Donahue?

There's another
shipment coming in.

Maybe there'll be some in there.

I see. Well, tell me this.

Do you by any chance
have any stuffed toys

that look like the hind
end of a cartoon cat

that would attach to
my car's rear window

with little suction cups?

Yeah. Do you want one?

No.

Oh.

Listen to this.
This is incredible.

"If you are interested
in a married man,

"you should let him know

in case he gets divorced
sometime in the future."

Oh, right.

How do you lead up to that?

You just go up to a guy and say,

"Hey, you know that
Commandment about adultery?

Well, it's pretty
far down the list."

Well, I don't see what the
big deal about this book is.

Everybody knows this stuff.

I don't know. These
techniques might work

but they're pretty
radical for me.

They're not radical,
Mary Jo. They're practical.

I mean, some
people can sit still

and just wait for the
man to come to them,

but most people have
to put in a little effort.

But if you're not willing
to do a few little tiny things

to help yourself,
I can't help you.

You're going to help me?

Well, I've offered to
be your coach before.

You may remember, I was the
one who fixed you up with J.D.

and I was right then. Wasn't I?

I guess so.

I mean, you and Julia can
pooh-pooh me all you like,

but in your heart, you know I
am the one who knows about men.

Oh, Suzanne, now we
don't pooh-pooh you.

As a matter of fact, I can't
believe that I am saying this,

but I could use a little
moral support this weekend,

but now we have to do
everything according to the book.

All right.

But you have to tell
Julia that I'm doing you

a lovely favor that
more than makes up

for that little bitty
ding in your car.

It's a deal.

Where have you been?

There was a hot one
over by the avocados.

Suzanne, I figured
as long as I've come

to the grocery store
to try and meet men

that I'd get my shopping
done at the same time.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. You
didn't even read your book.

Did you?

I looked at it. And
let me tell you,

I feel pretty silly in this
get-up at the supermarket,

not to mention eyeliner
in broad daylight.

Well, all this
stuff's got to go.

And may I remind you, Mary
Jo, we are not looking for men.

I'm helping you.

Now, Suzanne, I need this stuff.

Mary Jo, men do not come
up and talk to a woman

who's wheeling around a
25-pound sack of dog food

and a big box of Kotex.

I mean, you might
as well just top it off

with that giant bottle
of Milk of Magnesia.

What we need to get you

are some seductive
groceries, okay?

Like a little pâté,
some chilled wine,

some flowers.

Hey, why don't we
just go all the way

and fill up the baby seat
with beer and contraceptives?

Mary Jo, I just don't get you.

You keep going
back and forth on me.

Half the time,
you're all gung-ho.

Half the time, you're
embarrassed to death.

That's your problem.
You pull back.

I know. I'm trying to give
this weekend a fair shot.

But you know, I
was sitting there

reading that book last
night, and I thought to myself,

Oh, what's the big deal?

You know, people
do this all the time.

I mean, I'm just
in a supermarket.

There's nothing
tawdry about this,

but I cannot help but think

that everybody in this store

knows what I'm
really shopping for.

And the store detective
is gonna come up

and ask me to leave.

Go over there and
say hello to him.

He's cute. I mean,
you know, for you.

Suzanne, I couldn't.

Why not?

He is looking at the zucchini.

It is just too suggestive.

Mary Jo, I don't
have the faintest idea

what you are talking about.

Just get over there
and make a remark.

Like what?

Well, you read the book.

It said, "Surround yourself
with a field of laughter."

What am I supposed to do?

Go over there and yuk
it up about the squash?

Mary Jo, you're resistant again.

I swear, this is hopeless.

I don't owe you this much
just for dinging your car.

As a matter of fact, after this,

I'm gonna give myself
two free dings on you.

Now get over there.

Okay. Don't push. I'm going.

[false laugh]

Well... These
zucchinis certainly are...

Funny.

Yes.

You know, I have a
fabulous recipe for ratatouille.

You do? I love ratatouille.

Do you like to cook?

Oh, I love to cook.

So do I. You know, it's terrific

to meet someone
so nice and friendly.

I'm Jack Girshman.

Hi. I'm Mary Jo.

And this is my wife Felicity.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, I want to get that
ratatouille recipe from you.

Sorry. I guess we're in a hurry.

I don't think that I have
ever embarrassed myself

so thoroughly in
the Piggly Wiggly.

You know, there
ought to be a law

about wearing wedding rings.

Better yet, they should just
tattoo them on the forehead,

you know, "Private
property. Do not enter."

Oh, hey. How about one of them?

No. Wait. Forget it.

Why?

Two guys, one cart, fresh pasta.

Figure it out.

Hey, Mary Jo, Suzanne,
what ya'll doing here?

Oh, hi, Anthony. We're shopping.

Shopping.

But why are y'all shopping here?

Y'all don't live around here.

That's why.

[Anthony] I'm
extremely confused,

but I know sometimes
when I get confused like this,

it's better not to
ask any questions,

and just go on my merry way.

I'll see y'all Monday.

Thank you, Anthony.

Goodbye, Anthony.

Oh, oh, Mary Jo.

Yes.

There's a very attractive fellow

down by the single
serving frozen vegetables.

Thank you, Anthony.

Well, where do we go next?

[Suzanne] Okay, Mary Jo.

There's gonna be a whole
bunch of men in there.

Now, I want you to get a
desk in the middle of the room

so there's one in
front, one behind,

one on each side of you.

That way, you can talk to
all four of them during class.

Suzanne, I don't
think the instructor

is gonna let me
talk during class.

Well, who cares what
the instructor says?

We're not here
to learn anything.

We're here to meet
men, you know,

just like in real college.

Wait a minute.

Is this the advanced
auto mechanics class?

Yes.

Oh, great.

Suzanne.

I think you must have a curse
on you or something, Mary Jo.

I could sit in a convent for
two minutes and meet a man

but you, you're just poison.

Good evening, everyone.

I don't believe it.
The teacher too.

Tonight, we're just gonna review

the basic parts of the
internal combustion engine.

Our text for this course is
Auto Mechanics and You.

Excuse me, we'd
like to drop out.

Can we get a refund?

I beg your pardon. Who is we?

Oh, me and my friend here.

You see, we don't care
about auto mechanics.

We're just here because
Mary Jo got a hold of this book

that said this sort of course

would be a good
place to meet men.

Now, I don't have any
trouble in that category myself.

But then I dinged her car.

Oh, never mind.
I get the picture.

Normally, we don't give refunds
after the first session meets,

but in your case, I'm
gonna make an exception.

We don't need people
like you in this class

because the rest of
these people came here

because they are serious about
learning to improve themselves.

Oh, well, not us.
Come on, Mary Jo.

I'm so sorry. Forgive us.

Did you say you
would give refunds?

What is the matter
with you people?

I think we all read
the same book.

Hey, there's about
nine decent guys

down the hall in the
Chinese cooking class.

This is as low as I go.

I can't believe this
book is even serious.

Stand outside a men's room.

I mean, why not just go on in.

Look out, ladies.
We got a gusher.

Oh, we're gonna meet
some nice men here.

Mary Jo, you act
like this is my idea.

I think this is ridiculous.

Well, I don't even
get the theory here.

I mean, what are you
gonna say to a guy

who's just come out
of the men's room?

I'm certainly not going
to shake his hand.

You know why I am standing here?

I am standing here to prove
beyond a shadow of a doubt

that this book is stupid.

Have you proved it yet?

Yes, let's go.

Hey, where are you going?
Can I buy you a drink?

[Julia] I cannot believe
you have been reduced

to standing outside
of men's rooms.

Next thing I know,
you'll be jumping

unsuspecting men from behind

as they're standing
in the stalls.

You're absolutely right, Julia.

Tried all that tricky stuff,

and just made a
big fool of myself.

Anyway, the kind
of guy I'm looking for

is probably a homebody like me.

He's sitting in
front of the fire

petting his Irish setter,

somebody who cares
about the same things

that I care about, you know,
who would appreciate me.

That kind of guy is
just impossible to meet

because he is at home.

You can become a veterinarian.

What?

Well, you know that Irish setter

is gonna have to go
in for shots sometime.

Good idea, Suzanne.
Why don't you write a book?

Meanwhile, this one.

Oh, now wait a minute.
That book's guaranteed.

I think if it doesn't work,

they're supposed to give
you your money back.

Oh.

They're gonna return my money?

How about a refund on
my pride and self-respect?

No. Those are gone for good.

That's what I thought.
I might as well face it.

I am one of the 95%.

I'm just going to be an
old woman living alone

and little children will
point at my house and say,

"That's where old
widow Shively lives.

She got caught in the
demographic crunch."

Mary Jo, on that topic,
here is a little something

I cut out of The New
York Times for you.

It's about those researchers

who did that notorious
old maid study.

Well, they printed
a revised paper.

Seems like they made a mistake.

You're kidding.

Hmm-mm. The three
said they did not know

whether they were
correct when they reported.

You mean, that
5% stuff wasn't true?

It was never true?

They're taking it back.

They're taking it back.

It's not true. It's not true.

Those weasels.

Do they know how much
trouble they've caused?

I cannot believe this.

[Julia] Here's their
statement and I quote,

"Right now, my colleagues and I

"don't know whether we
can stand behind our results

or whether they warrant
alterations or what have you."

Or what have you. Those morons.

These people
should be made to go

on every single talk
show they ever went on

and apologize to
the American woman.

No. They should be
made to do it personally,

personally to each
and every one of us.

[Julia] Well, that's
the way it goes.

When the wrong
statistics come out,

it's on the cover of
People and Newsweek.

You think People and Newsweek

are gonna do cover
stories correcting it?

Not likely.

This is on page 8 of
The New York Times.

A lot of women are
never gonna know.

They're just gonna go
on thinking it's hopeless.

Hit a little personal dry spell.

They'll just assume
they're standing

in the middle of the Sahara,
and give up, but not us.

That's right. Not us.

And I'm going to
try and remember

these optimistic words
six months from now

when I have the
time to go out again.

Oh, that's right. You're starting
your parent-teacher's committee.

- Aren't you?
- Yeah.

As a matter of
fact, Quint's teacher

is supposed to
be here right now.

Hi.

I'm looking for Mrs.
Mary Jo Shively.

That's me.

I'm Phil Barringer.

You're Old Man Barringer?

Maybe to a 9-year-old.

Listen, I can't even sit down.

I've got to get back to school
before the kids get out of PE.

I just wanted to
come by and say hi,

and to thank you for agreeing
to co-chair this committee.

It's gonna be a lot of work.

It's easy enough for
a single guy like me,

but you've got a family
and a lot of responsibilities.

I just want to say that I
really admire someone

who can make that
kind of commitment.

So we'll get together tonight,
and we can look at my outline.

Just something I
put together last night

in front of the fireplace.

Pardon the teeth marks.

My dog got a hold
of it for a second.

So I'll see you tonight?

Yeah. My time is yours.

Okay. I'll call
you after school.

Excuse me. This dog of yours.

Is it an Irish setter?

No. But she's an English setter.

[Suzanne] Well, Mary
Jo, I guess you're right.

Never gonna find
anyone exactly right.