Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Girlfriend - full transcript

♪♪

You said that you'd be there

to finish the kitchen
early Monday morning!

No, I didn't. I said I'd
stop by early in the week.

I stopped by.

Yes, and I foolishly assumed

that stop by also included
slowing down the truck,

getting out, and
doing some work.

Silly me!

Tell me, Allen, do you really
consider Friday afternoon

early in the week?



Well, I didn't say
definitely. I said I'd try.

I have in my hand a note
that was left on the door

of the Dillinghams'
unfinished kitchen last week.

Charlene, would you
care to read this, please?

"I will be back to finish
up early Monday morning."

Thank you, Charlene.

Is this your
handwriting, Mr. Cowley?

Uh, yes, it is.

As you see, the note
is dated, is it not?

Yes.

And I'm a notary public.

Okay.

Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

The supplier didn't have
the hardware you wanted,



so there was no
use of my coming out.

I've heard that
one before, Allen.

Well, okay, we had the hardware,

but we had to let the wall
set for a couple of days.

I've heard that one, too.

- The truck broke down.
- Heard it.

- I was sick.
- Heard it!

Guess I'm fired, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay.

I just wish, for once,

these guys would
be honest with me.

I wish they would just
look me in the eyes and say,

"Yes, it will take the
rest of your natural life,

and even then it's not
gonna look so good."

I would say "Fine. Can
we now discuss the price?"

Well, who are we gonna
hire to replace him?

I don't know.

I guess we could call Fritz.

Fritz? Isn't he the one

who put the wallpaper
on upside-down,

and then we found him
with an empty six-pack

asleep in the bathtub?

Let's face it.

Our piddly little
kitchen remodelings

don't interest them.

Oh, no, unless they're
building something important,

like the governor's mansion
or Ted Turner's doghouse,

it's hardly worth getting
out of bed in the morning.

Don't mind Julia.
She's just cranky

'cause of that
humiliating experience

she had this morning
at the department store.

What humiliating experience?

Suzanne, do you know the
meaning of the word "discretion"?

Julia, I don't have
time to help you

with your crossword
puzzles right now.

I'm trying to tell Charlene
how you made a big fool

out of yourself this
morning at Rich's.

How?

Very well, if you must know,

I stopped by Rich's this
morning to try on some clothes.

As it turned out, I
didn't particularly care

for the dresses I was trying on,

so I decided to try
on this other dress

that someone had left
in the dressing room.

Well, then the door opens,

and this woman is standing there
looking down her nose at Julia,

and she yells, "What are
you doing in my dress?"

Oh, no.

Yes!

She just stepped
out for a second.

So she sees Julia
wearing her dress,

and she started
screaming for store security,

and Julia starts trying
to get the dress off.

And by this time, the
mall cops are there

with their walkie-talkies,
and Julia's in her slip,

and the upshot is
she can't go back

to that store anytime soon,

but one of the mall
cops did ask her out.

You gonna go?

Thank you, Suzanne.

It was deeply
embarrassing to me,

but if the whole thing

gives you just one
hearty horse laugh,

then it was all worth it.

It did.

I live for that.

Oh, Anthony, you have a message.

Lita wants you to pick
up her dry cleaning.

Mm-hm.

Oh, and she has
some hand laundry, too.

Uh-huh.

Also, she has aerobics tonight,

so she doesn't want you
to come to dinner till after 8.

Okay.

And, then she asked

if you would mind to
bring dinner with you.

Ah, well, did she
have a preference?

Uh, yes, she did.

Chinese without the
monosodium glutamate.

Anthony, I don't
mean to criticize,

but don't you think this
new girlfriend of yours

is just a little bit picky?

Well, I guess she
is a little picky.

After all, she picked me.

Well, when do we
get to meet her?

Oh, soon.

It's just that she's real busy.

I mean, real, real busy.

I like to take a little of
the burden off of her.

Otherwise, she gets so
tired with her job, her kids,

all the committee meetings.

The other night, she came home

from a Visualize
World Peace meeting,

just about snapped my head off.

Anthony, I hate to
change the subject,

but do you happen
to know anybody

who might be able to finish
construction on a kitchen?

Well, yes, as a matter
of fact, I do know a guy.

He could use the work,
too. You want me to call him?

Oh, sure. We just lost
another contractor this morning.

It'd be a lifesaver.

Anthony, you always
know somebody.

Yeah, well, most of
them are acquaintances

from my unfortunate
incarceration days.

Oh, great, convicts.

Ex-convicts. And
what are you saying?

I'm saying I have met some
of your friends, Anthony,

and, personally, I think,

if a man cuts another
man's head off,

he loses the right to come
into your home with a hacksaw.

I mean, our clients do
not want ex-criminals

working in their homes
alongside their valuables.

I don't know about that.

I had a plumber come
into the house last year.

The kids' toilet was stopped up.

And he had a
sterling reputation,

never spent a day in jail.

He ended up coming
back three times,

charged me $250,
and that toilet still leaks.

All in all, I would've preferred
he'd just taken my stereo.

You know, Anthony,

you should think about
becoming a contractor.

I mean, you've talked
about it all the time.

You've got lots of contacts.

And didn't you used
to work in construction?

Yeah, Charlene, as
a matter of fact, I did.

Well, if you
decide to go into it,

we would certainly throw
some work your way.

Well, I was hoping
that you would say that.

"Anthony Bouvier,
General Contractor,

License #L3033,
No Job Too Small,

Ladies Day on Tuesday,
10% Discount to Veterans,

If I Don't Finish
Your Job on Time,

I'll Eat a Bug."

That's just a gimmick.

I like it. It's very sincere.

Oh, please, Julia.

I know I haven't had
much experience,

but I can handle
this Dillingham job.

Please, I just need a chance.

Anthony, we're delighted
that you have the license,

and there'll be lots
and lots of smaller jobs

that we'll need you for,

but this is an awfully
big one to start with.

Just going to school
and being a deliveryman

takes up so much of your time.

Ah, please, I can make the time.

I promise.

Oh, by the way, when
I introduce you to Lita,

could you please not refer
to me as your deliveryman?

Sure. What would
you like us to call you?

Well, if you don't mind,
Director of Transportation.

Director of Transportation.

Yeah, she likes that title.
She's real big on titles.

Well, I can understand that.

But, I mean, you
can't just go around

calling yourself titles,
just because you like it.

If that were the
way the world was,

then, every runner-up could
call herself Miss America.

Well, then maybe I
could be runner-up

to Director of Transportation.

Anthony, it's okay with us

if you call yourself Ambassador
to the Court of St. James.

And I would give
you this job right now,

but I just don't think you realize
how difficult it's going to be.

It absolutely has to
be finished by Friday.

Julia, we are desperate.

We don't have anybody else.

Anybody would
be better than Allen.

Well, thank you, Mary Jo,
for that ringing endorsement.

Well, we do need somebody,

but let's try to be
professional about this.

Mr. Bouvier, could you tell us
about your previous experience?

Well, I went over
to a widow's house

and put up a spice rack.

You're hired!

Can you believe anybody
would leave a kitchen

looking like this?

I could just kill that Allen.

What I want to know
is what makes you think

Anthony and his
guys will be any better?

Because, Suzanne, Anthony
is hardworking and dependable,

and because the Dillinghams
are coming back next week,

and when we promised to
make their kitchen casual and airy,

this was not what
they had in mind.

I'll bet you Anthony
does a good job, too.

He helped build
houses for the poor

with that organization
called Habitat.

Aren't Jimmy and
Rosalyn involved in that?

That's right.

In their post White House years,

Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter
have devoted themselves

to helping poor people
build houses and lives.

Meanwhile, the Reagans,
the people who told us

that volunteerism
would save this country,

have been spending
their retirement

going to parties in Bel Air

and charging $50,000 a
speech, which they keep.

Julia, you have been
ranting and raving

about Ronald and Nancy
Reagan for nine years now,

and I and the rest of
the American people

are sick of it.

I remember when it all
started at their first inauguration.

Nancy was wearing that
one-shoulder white dress

and a string of pearls,
and she looked stunning,

but Julia goes,

"I don't know what
everyone's carrying on about.

Wilma Flintstone's been
wearing that outfit for years!"

That was just the
first shot in a battle

that has gone on for nine years,

and I'm here to tell you, Julia,

it's time to move on.

Well, maybe you're right.

I am. And furthermore,

if you want to give
work to Anthony

and his prison
buddies, then have at it!

I'm sure there's nothing

our clients would
appreciate more

than having a couple
of mass murderers

come into their
homes with power drills.

Is it just my imagination,

or is she just a little
high strung today?

She's just upset about Anthony.

She thinks his new girlfriend
is trying to exploit him.

Oh, yeah. How dare she?

That's Suzanne's job.

Funny not.

I have to admit I'm a
little worried myself.

I mean, why is it we
haven't met this Lita person?

Don't you find
it a little bit odd

that he hasn't
brought her around?

Maybe she's, you know... White?

No, married!

Well, I've been
thinking about this,

and I've picked up
that this girl is selfish,

pushy, whiny, and neurotic.

Sounds to me like a white girl.

I can't put my finger on it,

but there's a racial
slur in there somewhere.

Suzanne, for your information,

black people have a
right to be just as offensive

as white people.

Well, thank you,
Coretta Scott King!

Well, I personally do not care

if I ever meet
Anthony's girlfriend,

because, frankly, I don't
think it's any of our business.

Oh, they're here!

- Really?
- They just pulled up.

She's darling!

Oh, I don't think
she's that cute.

Legs are okay. Hair's all right.

I give her a 6.8.

So I said to Julia, if
you really need my help,

I'll be glad to take
on this project.

Oh, you're here.

Hi, Anthony.

Ladies, this is Lita Ford.

Lita, this is Charlene.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Mary Jo.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Suzanne.

- Hi.
- And Julia.

Mary Jo, you told me that
this kitchen needed work.

You did not tell me
that it needed walls.

Well, what do you want
me to tell the Dillinghams?

I'd tell them the phone
number to Dominos.

Well, if you can't do it...

Of course he can do it.

He can do anything.

By Friday?

Why does it have to
be done by Friday?

Anthony's very busy, you know.

Yes, we've heard.

We promised the client it
would be finished by then.

It's important to keep our word.

Well, Lita, I don't want
any special favors.

I want to be treated
just like anybody else.

But you're not
just anybody else.

You're their last hope.

This is what we in
the business world

call a good
negotiating position.

Excuse me, but if you
don't mind my saying so,

we were trying to
give Anthony a break.

And I appreciate it.

You're giving him a break?

He's been your
Transportation Director

for three years now.

That's not exactly
the fast track.

Well, anybody seen that Batman?

What a movie!

We were just trying to help him.

We love Anthony.

And I love you.

I don't see any reason
to argue about this.

Anthony is our employee.

We expect the job to be
finished by Friday at 5:00 p.m.

- Julia.
- Well, maybe Anthony won't
be your employee any longer.

Maybe he's got
bigger fish to fry.

I'll be waiting in the Beamer.

Boy, what a kidder. Just wait.

You're really gonna like her.

I didn't like her
at first, either.

Mary Jo, do you like
Anthony's girlfriend?

Suzanne, we have been
talking about this all week.

May we please move on?

All right, but do you?

She seems very intelligent.

Neither do I.

Do you like her, Julia?

Suzanne, we are not called upon

to like Anthony's girlfriend.

It's none of our business.

All right, that's three nos.

Charlene?

I don't want to vote.

Well, it's unanimous!
It's a landslide!

Suzanne, it's very
unbecoming for us to sit around

passing judgment on this
poor woman we have met once.

Poor Anthony.

I mean, he's caught
between the woman he loves

and the women he works for.

Reminds me of this
book I read once.

This guy... but you don't
want to hear about it.

I just think it's terrible
the way he jumps to

every time she
snaps her fingers.

Did you know he even takes
her Shih Tzu to be clipped?

As opposed to taking
your pig to the carwash?

Yes, but I paid him.

You know, Suzanne, I think
you might be a little jealous.

Jealous?

Ha! Don't be ridiculous.

I'm just concerned that because
of this woman's insane demands,

Anthony's professional
duties may be suffering.

Like how?

Like last night.

I called him around 10 p.m.

to come over and open a
jar of mayonnaise for me,

and do you know
what he said? No!

Well, that does it!

I say we just fire
him right now!

Well, I hope I'm not
being overly protective,

and I know I'm biased.

I just never pictured
Anthony with such a yuppie.

Julia, you hate that word.

I know I do, but I can't help it

if it just fits her to a T.

I mean, how else would
you describe somebody

who uses impact as a verb.

Well, now, I feel bad

talking behind
her back like this.

I mean, no wonder
Anthony doesn't introduce us

to his girlfriends.

We lay into them like this.

Besides, she
doesn't like us, either.

Do you think maybe she's right,

that we've been
keeping Anthony down?

Charlene, we have always
encouraged Anthony.

I mean, we're giving
him his first big job.

We want him to succeed,

but this girl wants it
to happen instantly.

I don't think he needs any
more pressure from her.

I saw him in the back room

swilling Maalox
right out of the bottle.

Boy, Anthony's sure moving
up in the world, isn't he?

A promotion, a
yuppie girlfriend,

and now an ulcer?

I guess that's what happens

when you're
skyrocketing to the top.

Reminds me of a friend
of my brother Robert's.

25 years ago, 1964,

he got his very first
job at a Dairy Queen.

One week later, he
was made manager.

I mean, that
usually takes years.

He was 17 years old.

He was the youngest
manager in Dairy Queen history.

And that man's name
was Bob Hayford.

And what is he doing today?

He still manages
that Dairy Queen.

He just had a real
good first week.

Hi.

Hi. Can we help you?

Yes, I'm looking for Anthony
Bouvier the contractor.

Oh, he's out on a job right now.

Okay, I'll go see him
there. I'm his accountant.

I thought he only hired ex-cons.

Surely you're not.

Ex-jailbird, prison
meat, three-time loser?

Embezzlement. I'll
certainly never do that again.

You were in prison with Anthony?

Oh, no, I was in a prison
for white collar criminals.

What an awful experience.

Half the time I couldn't
even get a tennis court.

It was hell.

Man, sounds rough.

Bet he used to hang out
with the guys at night and say

"Listen, we don't have
to take this anymore.

Tonight, we're going
over the hedge."

Anthony. You're done.

It looks great.

What's wrong?

It's not finished.

Well, sure, it's not finished.

It still needs a Mr. Coffee,
some Colcannon pots,

a Cuisinart, a pasta machine.

My accountant just brought
me a breakdown of materials.

My guy has cut too many corners.

Like this Formica,

there's only a quarter-inch
plywood under here.

In a couple of years,
it's going to peel off.

So what are you
so depressed about?

In a couple of years,
we could all be dead.

Thanks for cheering me up.

Anthony, it looks fine.
That's what counts.

Not to me.

Maybe if I was
working for strangers,

it would be different,

but with these ladies, the
job has got to be perfect.

I'm not going to lie to them.

Anthony, don't be dumb.

You heard what they
said about this deadline.

They'll never give
you another job.

They'll send you right
back to being a deliveryman.

Director of Transportation.

Deliveryman.

Well, it's time for you to
stop worrying about them

and grab what
you can in this life,

because nobody is going
to look out for you, but you.

Lita, first of all, grabbing
what you can in this life

is what ended me up in prison,

in the first place,
and I might add,

you don't even know the
concept of survival of the fittest

until you have
showered with strangers.

But that's beside the point.

What I'm saying is
call me a trusting fool,

but I just don't believe that
Julia, Mary Jo, and Charlene

are out back right now
sharpening up the end of a spoon

so they can stab me
and take my cigarettes.

I trust them, and they trust me.

They've been the best part of
my life these last three years,

and not you, and not anybody
else can come before that.

Are you going to
stand there and tell me

that your work is
more important to you

than your personal life?

Yeah, I guess I am.

Oh, Anthony, that's what I
was waiting for you to say!

Put that career first, and
there's nothing we can't do.

You are going to be
the black Donald Trump.

I just know it!

Oh, Lita, you're so weird.

You know, maybe
I can get this place

looking a little
bit better by 5.

But if I know them, they're
going to be here early.

What can I do to help?

Stall.

Come on, Suzanne.

We're going over
to the Dillinghams

to see how Anthony's
kitchen has turned out.

I thought we weren't
leaving till 5. It's only 4.

Well, we're going over
early to surprise him.

I don't know what y'all are
looking forward to so much,

a kitchen built by convicts.

They probably stole everything

that wasn't red
hot or nailed down.

Come to think of it, with
the head of hammers,

they could even get that
stuff that was nailed down.

Hello.

Oh, hi. How are you doing?

Lita's here.

Well, hi. We'd just
love to talk to you,

but we're closing
up for the winter.

Actually, we're going
over to see Anthony.

No, wait. You can't do that.

I've gotta talk to
you about something.

It'll just take a minute.

Well, you know, time is money.

Wait! What's wrong with me?

Why does everyone hate me?

I thought she said this was
only going to take a minute.

This could take hours.

Well, everyone doesn't hate you.

Do they?

I rub people the wrong
way, and Anthony,

I just don't know what
to do with Anthony.

He thinks I'm
pushing him too hard.

Maybe I am. I just don't know.

Am I pushing him too hard?

Is this relationship
going anywhere?

Will we be happy?
Will we be rich?

Yes, no, yes, yes.
Thanks for dropping by.

I guess I really got off

on the wrong foot
with you, didn't I?

Well, if we're speaking
frankly here, yes.

Please, be frank.

All right.

You're strong-willed,
opinionated,

overly critical, some
might say pushy.

But you know what? You
remind me of someone.

You?

I was going to say
Leona Helmsley.

Oh, oh, I feel dizzy.

You all right?

Yes, I think so.

I just need to lie down
for about 48 minutes.

Oh, no! Man.

Hi, Anthony.

Oh, hi.

You're late.

We got held up.

- Oh, a freeway accident?
- I wish.

Your girlfriend came over,
and she would not shut up.

I just hate women
who go on and on

about their personal life.

Listen, I've got something
important to tell you.

You're not going to like it.

Anthony, I was talking.

Anthony, you don't
have to say a word.

Lita told us everything.

She did?

Yeah, about how your guys
cut corners to save money

and that you could've fooled
us but you didn't want to lie.

That's true.

Well, she went on forever.

It's the best
stall job I've seen

since my own
second wedding night.

You know, Anthony,
at first, I disliked Lita.

Then, after meeting her again,

I realized I really
disliked her,

but I suppose anybody
who cares enough about you

to make a big fool of
herself in front of us,

well, she might be okay.

It doesn't matter what
excuses Lita made for me,

I fouled up. I
missed the deadline.

Well, at least you're honest.

That's right.

It's late, the work is shoddy,

but you told the truth.

An honest contractor! I
mean, it's a beginning.

Boy, you really are
desperate, aren't you?

Listen, I'm going
to be here every day

until the work is
finished, no charge.

And the best
carpenter that I know

is getting out on
parole next week!

That sounds promising.

One thing still bothers me.

That you're going
to have to eat a bug?

No! That I let y'all down.

I was never gonna eat a bug!

I just put that on my card.

And we thought you were honest.

Well, let that be
a lesson to you.

You should be more careful.

I've been in prison.

Yes, well, you should
be more careful, too.

We brought a bug.

Oh, no!

Ha!