Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 4 - Nightmare from Hee Haw - full transcript

♪♪

Okay, ice chest,
first-aid kit, life preserver.

All right, we'll just take
the rest of this stuff out.

¡Gracias!

Consuela says that
Suzanne is on her way.

Good.

I sure wish Dash were going.

He kind of keeps
her under control.

You know, I told her
she didn't invite Dash,

because she doesn't
want him to think

they're any more than friends.



Gee, I asked J.D. to
come, and that's all we are.

All I can say is every
year we go away together,

and every year we
get into a big fight.

The men get mad at the women.

The women get mad at the men.

If it happens again this year,

it'll be the last
time I'm going.

Ditto.

Double ditto for me.

You girls are going at
this with the wrong attitude.

There's not going
to be any fighting.

I mean, what could
be more peaceful

than paddling three
canoes down a river

and taking in the
beautiful fall foliage?



Yeah, that's probably what

those guys in
Deliverance said, too.

Suzanne, where have you been?

Well, I had to wait for
Consuela to load the car.

You know, her back's
just not what it used to be.

Anyway, while
she was going that,

one of my neighbors
came over and reminded me

that Burt Reynold and
Ned whatever his name is

also went off in rented canoes

to go down a wild river in
the remote Georgia woods.

Suzanne, I've been
canoeing all my life,

and I can promise you
the most exciting thing

that ever happened to me

was seeing a topless
girl on an inner tube.

Anyway, Deliverance
is just a movie.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's right, Suzanne.

What do you think?

That here, in the middle
of Georgia, in 1989,

we're going to be attacked

by a wild band of
toothless banjo players?

I don't know, Julia.

I only hope you'll still have
that wonderful sense of humor

when Reese is tied to
a tree in his underwear.

I'm sure glad no one fell in.

I'll tell you something.

I couldn't paddle
another ten feet.

It's a good thing those
canoe rental people

pick you up and bring
you back to the cabin.

Well, I, for one, did not
like the looks of that driver.

Why? What was wrong with him?

Torn plaid shirt,
dirty hunting cap,

those beady eyes.

I think he's some kind
of country-western killer.

Well, I, for one, had
a wonderful time.

I mean, I'm sore,
but it was invigorating.

It was, wasn't it? I
tell you something.

I had fun!

Oh, these trees were gorgeous.

It reminded me of
the Ozarks and home.

For some reason, the baby
was just kicking like crazy.

Well, of course.
What'd you expect?

It's a little hick.

Hey, I don't know about
anybody else around here,

but I'm starving.

Oh, well, I've got a suggestion.

Let's don't cook tonight.
Let's go into town to eat.

Well, that sounds like fun.

Let's go in and soak
up a little local culture.

I can tell you right now,

there is nothing around
here that I want to soak up.

That'll be okay, Suzanne.

You can stay here and
keep an eye on the cabin.

That's right, but don't
forget to bolt the door.

We don't want any guys
named Bufford or Cletus

busting in here and
planting a big old kiss on you.

Very funny.

You know, they say that out here

in the dark Georgia
woods, if it's a moonlit night,

and you're very, very quiet,

you can actually see
the ghost of Ned Beatty

running through the
woods in his underwear...

Okay, that's it! Let's go!

♪ Oh how you sparkle,
and oh how you shine ♪

♪ The blush on your cheek
is more than the wine ♪

Julia, how you enjoying
the culture so far?

Suzanne, it just so
happens I'm enjoying it fine.

It's different,
it's interesting.

Has anybody noticed

we're the only people
in here having dinner?

No.

I did notice we're the
only people in here

who know who
Leonard Bernstein is.

Not that that's
particularly a plus.

Mary Jo, would you
please keep it down?

- Why? What's wrong?
- What's wrong?

Well, uh, if it's
all right with you,

I'd just as soon not
offend anybody over there.

Over where?

I think he's referring to the
Charles Darwin Hall of Fame.

Charles Darwin used
to be our yardman.

Come on, now, y'all.
Let's not be so loud.

Oh, for Pete's sake,

they're just a bunch of big
old good-hearted country boys.

Anyway, I don't think they're exactly
gonna get the Charles Darwin joke.

I don't even know why y'all
are making fun of him anyway.

I mean, he was an
excellent yardman.

He used to rinse out
all my nylon stockings

for a nickel.

Does anybody else not
want the rest of their squirrel?

Charlene, I don't think you
ought to eat any more of that.

Why?

Because you're making
the rest of us sick.

Well, I'm sorry, honey.
I happen to be hungry.

I'm eating for two.

How are those frog legs, Julia?

Mighty tasty, Mary
Jo. How's your rabbit?

Ooh-ooh, mighty, mighty good.

I tell you something.

I think, after dinner, we
girls ought to get ourselves

some big old toothpicks,
and just sit back

and kind of pick our teeth.

What do you menfolk
think of that? Huh?

Mary Jo, I'm telling you,
you are talking too loud,

and it is not funny. Now,
no more beer for you.

You'd better watch
your step, boy.

Don't you be back-talking
me in front of my friends.

I hate it when my man sasses me.

Don't you?

Definitely no more beer.

Oh, J.D., lighten up.

We're just having a good time.

- Charlene.
- What?

You've got some squirrel
stuck on your teeth.

Oh, my gosh. I don't believe it.

What, what?

See that man over there
with the hunting cap?

You know, with the earflaps?

What did he do to you,
blow you a hayseed?

Mary Jo.

That's just his way
of saying howdy.

I don't like the way he's
looking at me with his eye.

How's he looking?

You know, he's licking
the back of my neck.

I say we pay the bill,
leave an incredibly large tip,

and get the hell out of here.

Ah, don't be ridiculous.

She thinks everybody's trying
to lick the back of her neck.

Oh, my gosh, here he
comes. Here they all come.

Okay, you girls, for once,
just let us do the talking.

Please be our guest.

Uh, excuse me.

Where you little ladies from?

Uh, actually,
they're from Atlanta.

I wasn't talking to you.

Did you boys think
I was talking to him?

No, we didn't, Daddy.

I thought I was talking
to these little ladies here.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Daddy Jones,

and this is Junior,
Rupert, and Nub.

And we just thought
maybe you little ladies

would like to
have a little dance.

Ha, what a shame.

You guys might not believe this,

but they don't
know how to dance.

Yeah, but thanks
a lot for asking.

That was really
very, very thoughtful.

I wasn't talking to you fellas.

Did you boys think I
was talking to them?

No, we didn't, Daddy.

Tell me, how's the
hunting been up here?

Y'all had a pretty good season?

I would imagine that
you have, just, you know,

from the looks of you.

Uh, maybe you
don't get my drift,

but I've got my three boys here,

and they've all been
taught by someone

who attended Arthur
Murray's School of Dance

in Decatur, Georgia.

Now, we don't want
to cause no trouble.

All we want to do is just
have a little fancy dance

with the ladies here.

And if we can't get
that little fancy dance

with these ladies
here, I'm telling you,

we're liable to go plumb crazy!

Well, okay, maybe
just one dance.

Reese!

Well, I... they might be good.

Arthur Murray.

You know...

Now, look, I'm sorry,
but she can't dance.

- She's in labor.
- Labor, huh?

She can dance with
Dub. He's a gynecologist.

He delivers all the
babies in our family.

Hey, that's impressive.
You hear that, honey?

We have to get his card.

I'm gonna dance
with this one here!

Who you gonna
dance with, Junior?

I'll take the little one.

J.D.

All right, okay, okay,
but no jitterbugging.

She's very shy.

Rupert, which one
you gonna dance with?

I want that one, Daddy.

That's good, Rupert.

You know, you picked
the only one that was left.

I know. I was paying attention.

Excuse me.

I may as well tell you
that, like Charlene here,

well, I'm a little under
the weather myself...

You know, PMS.

PM what?

Female trouble!

Oh, then, maybe you'd better
have a consolation with Nub.

On second thought, let's boogie.

Yeah.

♪♪

You know, I'm
getting a little worried.

Charlene's either so tired
she can't keep her eyes open,

or she's beginning to like Nub.

I'm sorry, but five dances
is just a little bit ridiculous.

I agree.

I mean, I was trying
to get us out of here

without getting killed,
but enough is enough.

I mean, we can't
just sit around here

and let these guys dance
with our women all night,

just because they're
bigger than us.

Can we?

I can't believe we came in here.

This is a nightmare.

This is like something
out of Deliverance.

I know a lot of hill people,
but I never seen anybody

act as squirrely as these guys.

Did you see the size
of Junior's hands?

I mean, you could sit in them
and still have room for a date.

Well, I say we die
with our boots on.

If these guys don't
kill me, Julia will.

Have you seen the look
she's been throwing me?

♪ And when we get
behind closed doors ♪

♪ And she lets her
hair hang down ♪

♪ She makes me glad I am a man ♪

♪ 'Cause no one knows what
goes on behind closed doors ♪

Sweetie pie, do you know
what's gonna happen tomorrow?

We're gonna all have
a big old cookout.

Do you know what
a big old cookout is?

I assume you're gonna get
some big old meat and cook it.

That's right.

Oh, I got somewheres between
10 and 15 babies of my own.

After I delivered them all,

everybody started calling
me the gynecologist.

Well, that's amazing, I mean,

considering the fact that
you only finished third grade.

Yeah.

Now, this last one
had to go to the hospital

because of complications,
but that was good,

'cause they named her for us.

Oh, that was nice.
What'd they name her?

Female.

F-E-M-A-L-E.

They even wrote it on
the hospital bracelet.

You sure are cute and tiny.

I like that.

There's something
about a little old

cute and tiny woman
makes me feel big.

Well, don't get too excited.

I'm not all that tiny.

You're just cute and
tiny as you can be!

I could just eat you up!

Just for your information,

I was Miss Georgia
Highway Patrol

for two years in a
row, and there's nothing

those state troopers
wouldn't do for me.

Like, if anybody would even dare

to try and touch
a hair on my head,

do you understand
what I'm saying?

I think so.

You don't want
your hair messed up?

Excuse me, I'm afraid

we're gonna have
to be running along.

No offense.

Yeah, you know how
it is... Kids, babysitters.

Uh, boys, are y'all
finished dancing?

- No!
- No, Daddy!

- They ain't finished dancing.
- Me neither!

All right, now look, buddy.

We've been trying
to be nice about this,

but enough is enough.

I want you to take
your hands off her and,

you know, let her go.

Say again?

I said... you heard me!

That's right, and that
goes for the rest of you, too,

except maybe you.

Boys, it looks like
we're in trouble!

We can either
dance, or we can fight.

And between you
and me, I want to fight!

Me, too, Daddy! Whoo!

This is gonna be a good one.

Ooh-woo! Ha!

♪♪

Put him down, you
big, overgrown cretin.

Please, Julia,

get the car keys
out of my pocket!

I can't reach 'em!

You want me just to
whop you in the face?

Let go of him! Let go right now!

If he don't like it, he
can get out of the way!

Mary Jo, do something!

911!

Okay, Anthony, I
really appreciate

you coming on up here.

We're probably gonna be getting
out of the hospital tomorrow,

but I want somebody
to keep an eye

on Julia and Charlene
and everybody meanwhile.

All right, buddy, thank you.

Well, I guess that's
all I need for my report.

So you say you
interviewed the Jones boys.

How'd they look?

Not a scratch on them.

Well, that's what I figured.

Boy, I tell you,
they're something else.

I did Golden Gloves in college
and all through the Army,

but this is the first time
I've ever been bitten.

Can you believe that
that gynecologist bit me?

Well, like I said,
they do love to fight

and don't much care
how or why they do it.

Well, I hope y'all
feel better real soon.

Oh, I do think you're
smart not to press charges.

The whole family's crazy.

Might even come to
Atlanta looking for you.

Boy, that's a sobering thought.

You know, I was just thinking,

nobody has worse
vacations than us.

We should be the poster
people for Travelers' Aid.

Hi.

Reese, I cannot believe

y'all are not gonna
press charges.

Oh, Julia, it wouldn't
do any good.

They're probably related
to everybody in the jury.

I can't believe they
broke your nose.

I've always loved your nose!

Danny, I'm so sorry.

If... If I hadn't been
talking so loud,

they probably would
never have noticed us.

Oh, hey, hey,
it's not your fault.

That's right. They noticed
me the second I walked in.

Well, how are you doing, sassy?

Well, I'm awfully proud of you,

the way you stood up
to that big Neanderthal.

Yeah, yeah, I was
a real powerhouse.

If I hadn't been so dizzy
from spinning around,

I probably would've killed him.

Well, we decided to take
a motel down the street.

Then tomorrow we'll
go back to the cabin

- and get our stuff.
- No, no, no.

I don't want you going back
to that cabin by yourselves.

I'm sorry, but
there's some things

that are just not up for debate.

I have to get my makeup.

You know, we took
that self-defense class.

We should have been
able to do something.

Julia, this was not
an ordinary situation.

I mean, it was like
being up against Rodan.

If you ask me, it was more
like nightmare from Hee Haw.

Charlene, are you
ever gonna stop crying?

I'm sorry.

It just seems like every
time we go away together,

something terrible happens.

First, there was that avalanche,

and then we had that
horrible fight in Florida,

and now Bill, and Reese,
and J.D. are in the hospital!

Just seems to me
like we need to get

some kind of
vacation counseling!

Yes, well, this is what we get

for booking ourselves
into Dogpatch, USA.

Suzanne, just because
those guys were hillbillies

does not mean
that all hillbillies

are mean and stupid.

I mean, there are good
hicks, and there are bad hicks.

You don't generalize
city people.

If somebody beats
somebody up in the city,

you don't say "Well,
isn't that just like

one of those urban dwellers?"

I just can't believe
that Nub actually thinks

his daughter's name is Female.

I cannot believe
that, in his entire life,

Rupert has never
even brushed his teeth.

I can.

I bet Junior's never
even chewed Dentyne.

Do y'all mind?

You sound like Sandra
Dee talking about her dates.

For me, it is bad enough
to have had to spend

the entire evening dancing
the two-step with Gabby Hayes.

Do we have to sit around
reminiscing about it?

As long as I live,
Julia, I'll never forget

the way that old man
was singing to you,

and the look on your face!

♪ And when we get
behind closed doors ♪

♪ Then she lets
her hair hang down ♪

I'm glad y'all enjoyed it.

Too bad we didn't get pictures.

Well, I would've much
rather had Gabby Hayes

than Nub, the
traveling gynecologist.

Which reminds me, Suzanne,

of all the desperate things
you have done in your lifetime,

for me, none will be remembered

as more vulgar than
you telling Pappy Yokum

and his three cretin
sons that you had PMS!

Oh, Julia, don't
be such a prude.

I use PMS as an
excuse all the time.

I can't help it if
they were too stupid

to know what it means.

I think Nub knows.

His hobby is reading brochures.

Well, I'm just gonna take
this stuff out to the car.

How y'all doing?

Don't you dare
take another step!

I'm calling the
sheriff right now.

Well, excuse me, little lady.

We ain't gonna hurt you.
We wouldn't hurt no woman.

Yeah, we just came by

to say we're sorry
about what happened.

- Sorry?
- Well, that's right.

We know you folks
are from out of town,

and things got a
little out of hand,

and we apologize.

Well, you certainly should.

You put three
people in the hospital.

Well, we've come
to make it up to you.

That's right.

We've got an AM/FM
stereophonic radio

and a whole mess of
dead quail out in the truck.

Thank you, but
we brought a radio

and some quail with us.

The question is we want
to invite y'all on a picnic.

All right, that's it.

Now, you listen to me,
and you listen good.

We have had just about
as much of you people

as we're gonna take.

I don't know what
glacier you stepped out of,

but my advice to
you is to take yourself

and your three slack-jawed sons

down to the nearest
mental health clinic!

Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.

Special Agent Jim Anderson,

Atlanta Division, FBI.

I'm afraid we're
having to evacuate

this entire recreational area.

Two armed and extremely
dangerous escaped convicts

are believed to have
impacted themselves

within this specific
5-mile radius.

In fact, it's a full code red.

Immediate and
compulsory evacuation

of all non-specified military
and government personnel.

Say what?

This is your first
and only notification.

You ladies will have
to come with me.

You see, there's just
no way that the FBI

can be responsible
for non pro civilians

in a designated site of
multiple firearm confrontation.

What's he talking about, Daddy?

Nothing.

I think he's full of hog slop.

Well, if you ladies are ready,

we'll get your things later.

Hey, hold it, buddy.
What are you trying to pull?

Hey, hey, get back
there! Are you crazy?

Don't you ever,
ever touch me again!

I think I should warn you

that my hands are
certified lethal weapons!

Yeah?

I think I should warn you

that Junior here can eat
a rusted-out Dodge Dart

piece by piece
and not even belch.

That's impressive.

Excuse me for just
a second, will you?

Help!

Be good to get
home, won't it, honey?

Boy, you said it.

It's a relief just to know

we don't have to do this
again for another year.

You know, Mary Jo,
I've been thinking,

since we don't go
together anymore,

you don't have to keep
asking me on these outings.

I mean, you could
take somebody you like.

Very funny.

Well, I, for one, have had it.

I mean, next year, y'all
can just count me out!

Ah, that's too bad.

You're gonna miss that
big bus tour of Libya.

I signed all the release forms,

so we can go now.

Oh, good. Where's Anthony?

How come he didn't come up?

Oh, he's down in
the emergency room.

We didn't want to worry you,
while you were in the hospital,

but he was in
sort of an accident.

What kind of an accident?

Well, you could just
say he ran into the same

1,200 pounds of
animal fat that y'all did.

What? Oh, you're joking!

Well, that does it!
We're going home.

We're going to go to the
gym, work out, press weights,

- and come back for these guys.
- You're dang right.

Forget working out. I'll get
my plane, and we'll bomb 'em.

Ah.

Hey, how y'all doing?

Hey, Anthony,
the girls just told us

you were down in
the emergency room.

Oh, yeah, I had to fill
out a sheriff's report.

They're patching
up the Jones boys.

I'm telling you, they
don't look too good,

especially that Junior.

Would you look at this guy?

Not a scratch on him.
Anthony, I'm impressed.

Oh, allow me to introduce you to

two of my finest associates

during my days of
unfortunate incarceration.

Mr. E. Edward "Hellhole" Gibbs

and Mr. Thomas
"Spithead" Graves,

just a little something I
like to keep in the backseat,

in case of an emergency.

Anthony, you old dog, you.

We owe you one.
Hell, we owe you two.

Oh, that's okay.

Oh, well, maybe you
could get this tooth fixed.

What, did they hit
you in the mouth?

No, they bit me.
I bit them back.

♪ And when we get
behind closed doors ♪

♪ Then she lets
her hair hang down ♪

♪ And she makes me
glad that I'm a man ♪

♪ For no one knows ♪

♪ What goes on
behind closed doors ♪