Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 3 - There She Is - full transcript

♪♪

Charlene, do not
go into Julia's room

because I haven't finished

wrapping all the baby
shower presents yet.

Okay, I won't.

I just have to run
out for a second

and get some more
wrapping paper.

Now, I've locked the door,

so don't you even try and look.

- I won't!
- You promise?

I promise.



Okay, I'll be back
in a little while.

Oh, gosh, sometimes
I can't believe

all this is really happening.

I'm actually going
to have a baby.

It sure has been
a big year for you.

I mean, you know, getting
married is such a step,

and then actually getting
pregnant on your honeymoon.

Yeah.

You know, there's
a lot of people

who haven't seen
me since the wedding,

and they all have
the same reaction.

I've never in my life
seen so many people

mentally counting to nine.

Well, you know,
they're happy for you.



I mean, it's so exciting.
First Bill, now the baby.

I know.

It's like there's a
hand guiding my life.

When people say, you
know, is it too much too fast?

I say, how fast can
you get everything

you've ever dreamed of?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I get so emotional
all the time now.

That's all right.

The same thing
happened to me with Quint.

I mean, I would just
cry at the drop of a hat.

It got so I finally gave up
watching commercials entirely.

Ted would come home,

and I'd just be
bawling my eyes out

over some GI who'd
called home on AT&T.

Yes!

Well, you know,
Elvis and Priscilla

got pregnant on their honeymoon.

- Did they?
- They did.

Little Lisa Marie was born

exactly nine months to
the day from their wedding.

Nine months to the day?

That's why they
call him the King.

Hello, ladies.

Oh, very nice, very nice.

Thank you, Anthony.

I'm sorry you can't
stay for the shower.

It's just one of
those all-girl times.

Oh, believe me, Charlene.

I understand perfectly.
It's absolutely all right.

I go to all-boys'
parties sometime,

and we have those
little tiny sandwiches

with the crust cut off.

And then we play word games

where the prize
is a biscuit cutter.

So I've had my fill.

By the way, the bakery did
not have those key lime pies

that you wanted, so I got
lemon meringue instead.

That's okay.

That's exactly how
I felt at the bakery.

They always have key lime.

I'm telling you, it's
a sad day for bakers

all around the world.
I've gotta be going now.

I've got to pick up
Bernice for the party.

Oh, by the way,
Bernice, for some reason,

thinks that this is
a surprise party.

So, you know, just humor her.

Mm-hm, I always do.

Thank you, Anthony!

Oh, that's all right, Charlene.

I'll go get you a pie
any time you want one.

Anthony is so
sweet. I feel stupid.

He must think I've
completely lost my mind.

Oh, don't be silly.
Anthony understands.

Charlene, are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine. Why?

Oh, Anthony said you were
having a nervous breakdown.

He was gonna go
punch out Chef Pierre.

Oh, don't be silly.

Her hormones
are just kicking in.

Oh, Charlene, don't you worry.

We're gonna cheer you up
this afternoon at the shower.

Let me see.

Baby card, baby
card, baby presents,

another registered
letter for Suzanne.

Another one? It's
from the same address.

I don't see any point
in giving them to her.

I know she doesn't open them.

How can somebody
just not open their mail?

I mean, that would
drive me crazy.

It's that little bit of Scarlet
O'Hara in Suzanne.

She just doesn't
accept bad news.

Tells herself she'll
think about it tomorrow.

What she truly believes

is that if she ignores
something, it'll go away.

Seems to have worked
with her husbands.

Excuse me, I'm looking for
a Miss Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Oh, she's not here right now.

Is there something
we can help you with?

Oh, dear. I always
seem to miss her.

It's important that
I contact her today.

Well, maybe I can
take a message for her.

I'm Julia Sugarbaker.
I'm her sister.

Oh, well, I suppose
that would be all right.

My name is Audrey Dickers.

I'm Director of Pageants
for Miss Georgia U.S.

I'm sorry to have to
come here like this,

but our lawyers advise me
that our charter's at stake,

and we have to do something.

Well, please sit
down, Miss Dickers.

I'm afraid I don't understand.

Now, why is it that you
need to speak with Suzanne?

Has it something to do
with her being Miss Georgia?

No, it has something to do

with her not being Miss Georgia.

I don't get it.

Suzanne Sugarbaker
was never Miss Georgia.

Excuse me, I personally saw her

walk down that
runway 15 years ago.

She had on a red velvet cape,
rhinestone crown, and a banner.

Now, you tell me, what was she?

A clerical error.

Recently, we decided to
put all our files on computer.

And when my assistant was
entering the 75 pageant files,

she discovered the mistake.

The numbers just don't add up.

You mean Suzanne didn't win?

No. She was leading
in all categories,

and by quite a wide margin,

until the final
category... The question.

Well, is it really necessary
to through all this?

I mean, this
happened 15 years go.

You can't really do
anything about it now.

On the contrary,
it can be rectified,

and it will be.

What do you mean?

I mean, she is going
to have to give it back.

There will be a
ceremony tomorrow

in which she will relinquish
her crown to the true winner...

A Miss Donna Jo Carnes
of Waycross, Georgia.

All the arrangements
have been made.

Here is the time and
address of the ceremony.

Please make sure
your sister is there.

I truly wish that I
could've told her myself,

but I feel confident that
she will rise to the occasion

with the true dignity and
graciousness of all our girls.

Excuse me, Miss Dickers.

Do you, by any chance,
remember Suzanne?

No, I was still in
South Carolina in '75.

Why do you ask?

Oh, nothing. No reason.

Thank you for all your help.

Oh, dear.

So, Julia,

how are you going
to break it to her?

Maybe Suzanne
won't be too upset.

I mean, after all, she'll
still be first runner-up.

I mean, if for any reason,
the new Miss Georgia

is unable to fulfill her duties,

the first runner-up
will take her place.

Charlene, that
almost never happens.

Well, maybe this is not so bad.

I mean, it's just one title.

I mean, she's got
dozens of them.

We're not talking
about just a title here.

We're talking about
Suzanne's whole self-image.

Suzanne defines herself as
a former Miss Georgia U.S.

She's spent the last 15
years of her life as such,

and, I might add, she
has given a great deal back

to this organization

for them to come
to her with this now.

Maybe we can put
it to her real gently.

You know, I had
these friends once,

took care of a friend's cat
while he was away on vacation,

and the cat died, and
they wanted to give him

a little time to
adjust to it, you know,

so they wrote him
a letter and said

"The cat's on the roof."

And then the second letter
said "The cat fell off the roof."

And then the third letter
said "He broke his leg."

And then the fourth
letter said "He died."

What's the point?

I think it sort of
softened the blow.

Hi.

Charlene, you didn't
go upstairs, did you?

- No.
- Good,

'cause you're gonna
get a big surprise.

So are you.

Suzanne, why don't
you come over here

and sit down with
us for just a moment?

Oh, but I have to finish
wrapping the baby presents

before everybody gets here.

Just a moment.

Suzanne, do you
ever, do you ever think

what your life might be like

if you had never
been Miss Georgia?

What is this, some
kind of riddle?

Of course, it's
absolutely inconceivable,

but can you even picture it?

No.

I'm trying to make
it a little hazy,

but no matter what I do,
I can still see that tiara,

and it's definitely on my head.

But, but, I mean, what if
it weren't on your head?

Well, that's ridiculous.
Where would it be?

It's on the roof.

What?

Suzanne, do you remember
somebody named Donna Jo Carnes?

Yeah, why?

Oh, I bet she was
a real sweet person.

You just liked her
a whole lot, huh?

No, she was a big
mean old country girl.

I'll never forget her.

She was all sweet whenever
the judges were around,

you know, hugging and
kissing and slopping sugar,

but when they weren't
around, ho-ho, boy!

I shared a bathroom with her.

And sure enough, the night
before the talent competition,

she managed to accidentally drop

my fire baton in the commode.

I guess she thought
I was born yesterday.

Of course, I had a spare.

Anyway, I fixed
her little wagon.

What'd you do?

I fixed her little wagon.

Her talent, it was
a dramatic reading

from The Grapes of Wrath,

and she pulled this stupid
little old wagon onstage

filled with a bunch
of poor people stuff,

and I fixed it so the
wheels would fall off.

Anyway, she redeemed
herself on the question

when she said she
wanted to help little children

all over the world
except in Soviet Russia.

What'd you say?

I said I wanted to
have my own TV show.

Anyway, how come y'all
are asking me about this,

and how do you
know about Donna Jo?

All right, Suzanne, there's
only one way to do this,

so I'm just going to say
it straight out right now.

Oh, one last thing.
Will you make sure

Suzanne brings the sash
and the crown with her

so we can give them to Donna Jo?

What?

Surprise!

This is adorable!

I've seen these before,
but never one this nice.

Thank you!

Charlene, your last
present is from Bernice.

Ooh, it's heavy.

Suzanne seems to be doing well.

I don't know. She's put the
whole thing in the back of her mind.

It still hasn't registered yet.

It better register by tomorrow,

because they're expecting
her down at that ceremony

to give up that crown.

It's a gerbil.

Thank you, Bernice.

It's a gerbil.

Yes. You know, whenever
one of my friends was expecting,

I'd always hear people ask

"What do you want,
a boy or a girl?"

And my friend would
always say "I don't care.

As long as it's healthy,
I don't care what it is."

And then I'd say,

"Well, you'd care
if it was a gerbil."

So that's a kind of gag gift.

Of course, everybody
isn't going to think it's funny.

I'm just a friend.

I'm not a professional
comedienne.

Okay, everybody,
I've been writing down

what Charlene said when
she opened her presents.

You know, baby shower lore

tells us that these are
the exact same things

that she said to Bill

the night their little
precious was conceived.

Let's see, here's a few of them.

"Oh."

"Just what I wanted."

"I've seen these before,
but never one this nice."

Aah!

Mary Jo!

"It's a gerbil."

No!

I don't get it.

I'd like to make a toast
to Charlene's baby.

May all her dreams come true.

And may she have the
things she most truly desires.

And may she always be just
exactly what she wants to be.

Oh, Monette, thank you.

Cheers.

They can have that crown

when they tear it from
my cold dead scalp!

Charlene, you go on in.

I don't think she'll hurt
a pregnant woman.

Anthony, you talk to
her. She listens to you.

No way. I've seen this
type of situation before.

Every time there
was a prison riot,

and some maniac
locked himself in his cell,

a priest or somebody
would come along and say,

"I'll go in there. I
can reason with him.

He likes me."

The next thing you know,

that same guy is
on the 6:00 news

with a pistol stuck in his head,

going, "He's gonna kill me!

He's a maniac! Give
him whatever he wants!"

And what are we
all doing in the hall?

Waiting for you.

We're afraid to go in.

Do you know if she
still owns that rifle?

I cannot believe you all.
Suzanne's going through

one of the most traumatic
experiences of her life,

and I would think
that we, as her friends,

would stand beside
her in her hour of need!

Now, Anthony,
you get on in there.

Julia, I'm not kidding.

I think we should
send a note in first.

Let's not be silly about this.

We'll all go in together

because Suzanne needs all of us.

Remember, as
upset as she may be,

Suzanne is still a sweet,
caring, loving human being.

And, also, there is no way

she can cover the
four of us with one gun.

Hello, Suzanne.

Hello.

You okay?

Yes, I'm fine. Why?

Well, because you have kind
of a funny look in your eye.

How do I look?

Like Bambi caught in headlights.

Suzanne, do you still have

that big old gun
you used to have?

Suzanne, you do
know that we're here

to take you down to the
hotel to the ceremony?

Yes, of course.
I'm almost ready.

Just let me touch up my makeup.

Okay, Suzanne, what's going on?

You know, Julia.

We're going down to the Marriott

to see those pageant people.

Oh, oh, Suzanne, this is great.

Yesterday, when
you said that stuff

about your cold
dead scalp, you know,

and then you ran
out in the parking lot

and threw yourself
on the pavement,

kicking and screaming, and
then you crawled to your car

with the dirt and
saliva all over your face,

and then you drove
out, peeling rubber,

we thought you were upset.

Silly us.

Yes, well, I've
talked to Consuela,

and I'm better now.

Uh-oh. I don't like
the sound of that.

I'd like to think this
means you and Consuela

had a soul-searching chat,

and you reevaluated
your priorities

and realized crown, or no crown,

you are who you are.

But I have a feeling
I'd be disappointed.

Mm-hm, I have a feeling
it's more like little dolls,

straight pins,
and chicken parts.

Did Consuela make a
Donna Jo Carnes doll?

Yes. She also put a curse
on that Audrey woman, too,

and I wrote down here 100
times on this piece of paper

"It will not happen."

So, y'all can just
go ahead and laugh,

but I know in my heart that
it's just not gonna happen.

Suzanne, you're just
making this harder on yourself.

Now, I've talked to
Reese, and, apparently,

there's no statute of
limitations on this thing,

and there's nothing
we can do legally.

I want you to face facts.

One way or another, you
will have to give up the crown.

No, Julia, you're wrong.

I don't want it to happen,
so it won't happen.

Anyway, you're the
one who taught me that.

Now the truth comes out.

I did not teach you that.

You most certainly did.

When I was a little
girl, you told me,

"Suzanne, if there's anything
you want to be in this life,

"you can be it.

All you have to do
is want it enough."

That's how I won that
contest in the first place.

I wanted it more,

not those other girls
running around saying

"I don't care who wins.

"I just enjoy the camaraderie

"and meeting all the other girls

from all over the
state of Georgia."

I didn't give a flip about
meeting other girls.

I can meet other
girls any old time.

And maybe they didn't
mean it, but they said it.

So a little tiny bit
of them did mean it.

I never said it.
Basically, I just said

"I want that crown
to be on my head."

So I'll... I'll just go
down there and...

And... and talk to these
people, and... and... and...

And explain it all to them,

and then they
won't take my crown.

They can't, because,
because you told me

I can be whatever I want
to be, if I want it bad enough.

And I want to be Miss
Georgia for the rest of my life.

Gee, I guess this is where

it's all going to
end for Suzanne.

As soon as she gets
up on that runway,

it's all gonna hit her.

Hello. How are you?

Thank you so much for coming.

We'll begin soon.

I understand
Suzanne is backstage.

Yes, she is.

She must be a lovely
person to do this for us.

I can't wait to meet her and
thank her for her generosity.

She wouldn't be
saying that if she knew

there was an Audrey Dickers doll

with a pin stuck
through its neck.

Do you think that Consuela
can really put curses on people?

No. I think Suzanne can.

Girls, look what I found
in the ladies' room.

Oh, Bernice, put her back!

Well, I heard her
talking in the next stall,

and I realized this is the woman

you've all been
wanting to meet...

Donna Jo Carnes.

Oh, hi.

Hello.

Gee, you must be
excited to find out,

after all these years,

that you were really
Miss Georgia U.S.

Find out?

I knew it 15 years
ago that very night.

I had Suzanne Sugarbaker
beat fair and square!

I knew she had pulled something.

Wait a minute. Suzanne
didn't do anything.

They added the numbers wrong.

After all, they're
gonna make up for it.

You're gonna be crowned Miss
Georgia U.S. 1975 right now.

Oh, whoop-dee-doo!

What good does that do me now?

14 years ago, I
could've ridden that title

right out of Waycross!

I could've married
me a rich man.

Do you know what
first runner-up means?

If for any reason
the new Miss Georgia

is unable to fulfill her duties,

the first runner-up...

Yeah, well, that never happens.

No, no, first runners-up
go back to Waycross

and marry somebody like that.

Did you want something, honey?

Yeah, for you to
be Burt Reynolds.

I couldn't be any
happier if I was.

Let me tell you, I'm
about to bust my buttons,

I'm so proud
of this little girl.

Told everybody
down at the store, too.

Donna Jo's gonna
be Miss Georgia.

I'm married to Miss Georgia U.S.

And what do they say?

They say "Donna Jo? No way!"

I said, "Yes, indeed."

They say, "You're crazy."

I said, "No, sir."

They get it, Lyle!

So, Lyle, what do
you do for a living?

Oh, he manages
an auto parts store.

He sells spark plugs to farmers.

It's not as complicated
as it sounds.

Honey, they want
to take a picture

of you, me, and the kids.

Oh, all right.

I don't know anything
about pageants

or titles or anything,
but I tell you,

I think I'm pulling for
Consuela and the curse.

Me, too.

Before we get to our annual
Board of Governors meeting,

I understand we have
some unfinished business.

Audrey?

Yes, we do.

Oh, gosh, look at Suzanne.

Doesn't she look lovely?

I think I'm gonna cry.

She sure does.

We are gathered here
today to crown, finally,

Miss Georgia U.S., 1975,
Miss Donna Jo Carnes.

Suzanne, if you can give
up this crown gracefully,

I take back every silly joke

I ever made about beauty queens,

because when I told you

you could be
anything you wanted,

I had no idea you'd want to
be somebody so very special.

We have a very special
guest with us tonight.

It took some doing,
but we managed to find,

after 15 years, one
of the actual judges

that was there that night
in 1975, Mr. Jim Cline.

Mr. Cline will now present
the sash and the crown

to the true winner,
Miss Georgia U.S. 1975.

Give me the crown.

No, Mr. Cline, you take the
crown from this woman here,

Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Sugarbaker?

Do you mean that
Donna Jo didn't win?

No, she didn't.
There was a mix-up.

I'll say there was.

This little girl gave me
the best night in my life.

That one wouldn't
give me the time of day.

♪♪

Thank you!