Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 19 - Payne Grows Up - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[car alarm going off]

It's kind of an
annoying noise, isn't it?

It's the same car alarm
that's always going off.

That's right. In all hours
of the day and night,

woke me up three
times this week.

Just try to ignore it.

What if the car's being
stolen? What do we do?

Applaud.

[alarm stops]

That's better.



Car alarms got sort of outlived
their usefulness, haven't they?

I mean, when you
hear one going off,

nobody thinks of doing anything.

Well, I wouldn't
say that was true.

I think of doing something.

I think I'm going to go down
there with a baseball bat,

bashing out all the car windows,

then reaching in
with my bare hands

and ripping out the alarm,

throwing it up into
a tree somewhere

from whence it will
never, never be recovered.

So I was wrong.

Oh, say, Anthony,

that garbage pail
has a leak in it.



I thought I told you
you can just throw it out.

Well, now, that's exactly
what I've been trying to do,

but, Julia, maybe
you could tell me,

how the heck do you
throw out a garbage can?

I have been leaving
this thing on the curb

for the past three weeks.

They will not take it.

I finally wrote a note saying

"This thing right
here is garbage.

Please take it. Thank you."

What happened?

They took the note
and they left this one.

"You're welcome."

By the way, I took a message
for you while you were gone.

Your son called, but
he had to go to class.

He's real anxious
to talk to you,

so he's going to
call back later on.

How's old Payne
getting along these days?

Just wonderfully,
Mary Jo. Thank you.

His grades couldn't be better.

I have a really good feeling

about this young
woman he's seeing.

They are so sweet together.

I can't quite describe it,

but it is special.

Hot and heavy, huh?

Yes, hot and heavy was the
phrase I wanted. Thank you.

Kids grow up so fast these days.

I wouldn't say
Payne has grown up.

After all, he still has
another quarter of school left.

Oh, I didn't mean just
Payne. I mean all kids.

I mean, I think you've
seen Junior Star Search,

with these 7-year-olds
on there wearing spandex,

you know, and doing these
pelvic thrusts, you know,

these big professional grins on
their faces, you know, like this.

It's spooky.

Oh, let's face it.

Kids aren't getting
any older, we are.

Well, I wouldn't necessarily
say that was true at all.

I would.

I'm not fighting it anymore.

It used to make me feel guilty

that rock music now
gives me a headache,

but you know what
made me feel better?

You know when they had
Noriega all holed up in that embassy

and the troops started blasting rock
music at him to make him surrender,

I said, "Hey, it's not just me."

Apparently, the Pentagon has
now approved this stuff as a weapon!

Well, good morning, everyone.

Good morning, Suzanne.

Did you speak to Tinka Forward?

Yes, I did.

Have breakfast
with her at the club,

and she marked the
tear sheet she wanted.

Oh, and, Julia, she
wants to know how you

like the birthday
present she sent you.

Oh, please. Nancy Reagan's book.

Well, she said
it was a gag gift.

Well, it certainly made me gag.

[phone rings]

Sugarbakers.

Oh, hi, how are you?

Julia, it's Payne.

Are you serious?

Did you really read
Nancy Reagan's book?

Yes, what of it? Payne, darling.

How are you?

I don't know, I just thought
maybe you would have exploded

or had a stroke or
something by now.

Well maybe it's some
kind of delayed reaction.

Nobody stand too close to Julia.

Julia, I want to
talk to him, too.

Just a minute, Suzanne,

Payne has gotten more
credits than he thought.

He is graduating next week.

My dear, you have been busy.

Wow, Payne is
graduating college.

It's like I was saying,
he's really grown up.

Oh, darling!

Payne's getting married.

Oh, you could just knock
me over with a feather.

No, no.

I couldn't imagine any
bigger new than that.

Oh, I guess that is bigger.

Payne's pregnant.

Gee, he has been busy.

[Julia] He's
graduating Saturday,

he's getting married Sunday.

Gee, it's kind of fast.

Well, they're both
graduating early.

Sylvia's been offered
a job in New York,

so they are going there
right after the honeymoon.

So are you okay
about all this, Julia?

Mary Jo, all my life, even
before Payne was born,

my first priority was
to be a good mother

so I've asked myself, "What would
a good mother do in this situation?"

And the answer is so clear.

A good mother would be happy.

Julia, you're such
a good mother.

I mean, I hope I can be as
good a mother to my baby.

You know, it's interesting
I've always thought

the four of us have been pretty
much the same, but I mean,

in terms of kids, we
couldn't be more different.

I mean, I've got a
brand-new baby,

and Mary Jo's daughter's
about to finish high school,

and, well, you haven't
even started yet.

I beg your pardon?

What exactly is it
that I haven't started?

I mean, you want to have
kids someday, don't you?

Charlene, I don't know!

It's not the kind of
question I ask myself.

I'm not like those
women who hang around

expensive restaurants whining
about my biological clock.

I assure you, if I ever
decide I did want a baby,

I would do it instantly with a
minimum of fuss and muss.

I was just making
an interesting point

that my baby is new, you know,

Mary Jo's kids are school
age, and Julia's a grandmother.

Thank you, Charlene.

Thank you for
that clarification.

May I venture to point out
that I'm not a grandmother yet.

What's the matter?

Don't you want grandchildren?

Of course I want grandchildren.

Everybody wants grandchildren.

Unfortunately, nobody's
been able to figure out a way

to get them without
becoming a grandmother.

It's just that word.
Grandmother.

Julia, you don't ought
to be called grandmother.

You can be called "Nana"

or "Mama" or "Mima".

Julia, I know why you're upset.

This society does make way
too big a deal out of grandmothers.

I mean, if you got
hit by car tomorrow,

the headlines would say,
Grandmother gets hit by a car

or next year if you want
to win a Nobel Prize,

they'd say Grandma
wins the Nobel Prize.

I mean, they don't
do that to guys.

When Bush gets elected, I
didn't see anything that said

Grandfather elected president.

Well, I'm going to
go start packing.

I'm going to leave tonight so I
can go and help plan the reception.

You all coming up
Sunday morning?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, listen do you
want us to call Reese

and see if he wants
to come up with us?

No, no. He's out of town.
It's going to be just us.

- See you Sunday.
- Right.

And in the meantime,
I'm going to do two things.

First, I'm going to put
aside my petty concerns

and concentrate on
Payne's happiness.

And secondly, I'm
going to make darn sure

I don't win the Nobel Prize.

And, uh, this is where all
the guys' bedrooms are.

Terra incognita, Mom.
No women allowed.

Should I be here?

Yeah, it means women,
doesn't mean moms.

Oh, well, that's good.

Payne, hey, you
graduated, buddy!

I sure did. Oh, uh,
Mom, this is Bryan.

Bryan, this is my
mother, Julia Sugarbaker.

How do you do?

Hello, Mrs. Sugarbaker.

Well, you must be proud
of old Payne here, huh?

Graduating and getting hitched.

[car alarm going off]

Good grief, another one.

Whoever owns that
car ought to be shot.

Mom, it's Bryan's.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

I'll go turn it off.
Oh, hey, by the way,

I hear you're going
to be a grandma, huh?

Congratulations.

Don't worry. That
thing's always going off.

Everybody hates it.

Oh, look, I got
to get out of this.

And I got one last box to
pack. I'll be two seconds.

Take your time.

Oh, when I get back, we'll go
out to lunch and I'll tell you all about

- how's the wedding's
going to be tomorrow.
- Is there anything I can do?

Mom, it's going
to be very casual.

Sylvia's parents
are in Hong Kong,

so it's just going
to be our friends,

a couple of people in
the chaplain's office,

and then a big party.

It's all arranged.

I don't need you to do a
thing. I'll be two seconds.

Well, if you don't need
me, you don't need me.

After all, you're a grown
man now... graduating,

getting married, having
your own children.

You don't need your
old mother anymore.

Whoa, baby, what
can I do for you?

Oh, sorry I didn't
realize you were are a...

Neither did I.

Oh, that was a nice wedding.

Small, but nice.

We know, Mary Jo, you said that.

All right.

I'm out of small talk.

It's a nice wedding, it's been a
fun reception, but I am sleepy.

I mean, we got to get up early
in the morning and drive back.

I think we should go on.

I can't leave while Payne
and Sylvia are still here.

It wouldn't be good manners.

Besides I don't want to
spoil Julia's good time.

I got a news flash
for you, Charlene.

Julia's good time is
not dependant on you.

Maybe the
champagne, but not you.

Well, she deserves
to have a little fun.

You know, this week's
kind of tough on her.

Oh, yeah, she
looks all broken up.

Hey, thanks for not holding that
thing I said yesterday against me.

It's already forgotten.

You know all the memory
is the first thing to go.

Well, it must be because if
you'll forgive me for saying so,

there ain't nothing
else gone on you.

Normally, I would not
forgive you for saying that.

You see, I've always believed

that relations
between new strangers

should retain a certain
distance and propriety.

But what the hell.

You're quite a woman.

I think you're a
little dangerous.

I am, and I'm glad you
said that because I am.

I'm not just a harmless
mother, I'm a dangerous woman.

I find it hard to believe
you're almost a grandmother.

I find that hard
to believe, too.

Boy, she sure is sucking
up that champagne.

No, I know Julia.

She's just putting
on a brave face.

Well, don't look now.

She may be putting
on a brave face,

but Payne's roommate
is about to suck it off.

You know what I regret.

I love that Payne
planned his own wedding

and it was beautiful.

But there's one thing
I always wanted to do.

I always wanted to sing
at my son's wedding.

Hey, I always say,
don't fight the feeling.

Oh, that is very wise.

That is very, very wise.

Excuse me.

Thank you!

Thank you everybody
for coming here.

I know that my son,
Payne, loves you all

and today has been a
very special day for him

and a very special day for him.

I think she's had too
much champagne.

No, she's fine, she's fine.

Now, Payne and
his lovely bride Sylvia

are about to leave
for their honeymoon,

but before they go,

I want to just take the moment
and sing a song for you.

It's a special song.

One that I used to sing
for Payne when he was

just a little boy.

Hit it!

♪ No gal made has got a shade ♪

♪ On sweet Georgia Brown ♪

♪ Two left feet,
but oh so neat ♪

♪ Has sweet Georgia Brown ♪

Well, I am surprised.

I felt sure she'd
go for "Danny Boy."

♪ And want to die for
sweet Georgia Brown ♪

♪ I'll tell you just why ♪

♪ You know I don't lie ♪

♪ Oh, not much ♪

♪ It's been said she
knocks 'em dead ♪

♪ When she lands in town ♪

♪ In a taxi ♪

♪ Since she came ♪

♪ Well, it's a shame ♪

♪ How she cools them down ♪

Don't worry. Mom never
takes her clothes off

unless they throw money.

♪ Fella that she
just ain't met ♪

♪ Georgia claimed her,
Georgia named her ♪

♪ Sweet Georgia,
talk about Georgia ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet Georgia Brown ♪

Oh!

[crowd claps]

Oh yeah, she's fine.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Could I see that thing
in a minute, please?

Thank you.

[knocking on door]

[Mary Jo] Suzanne!

Suzanne, we said we
were leaving at 9 sharp.

Well, I'm sorry. Julia was
supposed to wake me up.

She's probably
still asleep herself.

Lord knows what time
she finally got in last night.

Well, she must be out cold.

She didn't even answer
when we knocked.

What's the matter?

She's not in there.

That bed hadn't
even been slept in.

Well, where could she be?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I think we're all
thinking the same thing.

She's been in an accident!

[water running]

Oh, did I wake you? Excuse me.

It's quite all right.

Where are my clothes?

[phone rings]

Hello?

Well, it's about time.

Where in the world are you?

You're kidding.

I assure you I'm not
kidding, Suzanne.

You get in the car

and come over here
and get me right now.

One more thing, I
prefer that you not tell

Charlene and Mary Jo about this.

Julia! Julia! We
were worried sick.

I was just getting ready to call the
hospitals. Thank goodness you're okay.

Hello, Charlene.

Yes, yes, I'm fine.

Just come on over, please.

I'd call a cab,

but I don't know
where my purse is.

No, nobody took it.

It's probably just
with my clothes.

I'll explain everything
when you get here

Yes, goodbye.

I'll tell you everything
that happened.

Just as soon as
I find out myself.

We should have never left
her in the party by herself.

We had to, we
were falling asleep.

I mean, she seemed
to be in good hands.

The only question
remaining being

just how good were those hands?

- Mother?
- Aah!

Payne, you're supposed
to be in Bermuda.

Mom, you're supposed
to be in the hotel.

What are you doing here?

Sylvia and I spent the
night at the Four Seasons.

Our plane doesn't leave for a
couple of hours. I forgot my bathrobe.

Oh, well, here it is.

I guess you'll be
wanting to go on now.

You have to get there early
for those international flights.

Mother, what's going on?

I don't even know
how I got here.

I'm sure there must be
some simple explanation.

Sure there is, Mom.

- There is?
- You were wasted.

I asked Scott to take you home.

Payne, Scott may
have misinterpreted that.

What?

Just tell me one thing, Payne.

How old is your friend Scott?

He's 22.

Well then at least
it wasn't a felony.

Mother, you can't be serious.

You and Scott?

I'm afraid so. I
know it's shocking.

Well, you're an adult mother.

What you do is
your own business.

Just promise me one thing.

What is that?

Whatever happens,

you won't make
me call him Daddy.

Payne, how are you doing buddy?

Scott this is Payne.
Payne this is Scott.

Mom, we know. We're roommates.

We slept together
for the last two years.

Oh, well, then we'll all
have a lot to talk about.

Well, I say we all go upstairs
and start busting in to rooms.

Suzanne, women are
not allowed upstairs.

The house mother will throw
us out and Julia will be stranded.

Oh big woo.

Who cares about
the house mother?

It's always some little
old frail grandmother

with nerve deafness.

Listen, I'm going up there.

Can I help you, young lady?

Yes, you can.

You can get out
of my way, please.

There's somebody
upstairs that I need.

Like I haven't
heard that before.

You know, I know
there's a man shortage,

but it's 10:00 in the morning.

These boys need sleep.

You two are awfully
casual about all this.

Mrs. Sugarbaker,
it's not that big a deal.

It's not like you
heaved or anything.

Yes, I didn't heave.

I shall carry that
memory with me proudly.

Mrs. Sugarbaker, it's okay.

Scott, are you telling me

that last night I didn't do
something I'll regret forever?

Well, yes you did.

You turned me down.

I did?

Mom, Scott slept in
the adjoining room.

You really didn't know?

Oh, I'm so glad.

Payne... Payne,
darling I really am

so happy that you
were happy last night.

I just got a little too happy.

You were great.

Everyone loved you.

I'm always so
proud of you, always.

Nobody's got a mom like you.

Oh, Payne.

You're going to make
one sexy grandma.

Let's find a new word for that.

Anything you want.

Payne, those women who
were in your wedding yesterday?

They're busting into rooms!

Julia, there you are.
Come on, let's go.

Oh, Julia, you didn't!

She didn't.

Suzanne, I am coming. I
also have a splitting headache.

I'd appreciate it if y'all
would hold it down a little.

All right, come on.

Thank you. That's better.

[car alarm going off]

Oh, son, may I borrow
that for a moment?

Grandma's going
to take care of that.