Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 18 - Anthony and Vanessa - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Mary Jo] It would be great
if you could work me in and...

Yeah, I can hold.

Y'all mind if I keep
this in the refrigerator?

It's some extra
mother's milk for Olivia.

If we go out to lunch, we
won't have to hurry back.

That would be fine.

Thanks, Rusty.
That would be great.

I appreciate it.

Ah the cleaning lady
will be home all afternoon.

Bye-bye.



Oh, it sounds like
you are going to get

your dining room light
put up today after all.

He probably won't be
finished till midnight,

slow as he is.

You should've asked Anthony.

This requires an electrician.

It needs to be rewired.

Glad I won't be home today

so I won't have to look
at Rusty's backside.

What do you mean?

I mean this guy wears
his pants down to here.

Have you ever noticed that?

I don't know about you,

but every maintenance
man I have in my home



wears his pants at that level.

Like it's like some kind
of union rule or something.

I know. You're right.

I have never had anybody
bring that up before,

but that is the truth.

Bill uses this carpenter
sometimes named Vernon,

and his pants are always
way below the equator.

You know, I just want
to stick some flowers

down there or something.

Charlene, do you all mind?

Well, Julia, it's true.

This is a cultural phenomenon

that has been
completely ignored.

And do you know what is
the most incredible part?

That these guys
walk around like this,

all day long, in
front of people,

and they don't care.

I mean, can you imagine

if you had to come to work
with your pants like that?

I mean, the line of demarcation

is just completely
out of the bag, okay?

And you're walking
around meeting clients,

going to lunch,
laughing and talking.

Nobody says anything about it,

and what's more, you don't care.

I know women
would never do that.

I think it must have something
to do with testosterone.

You know what gets me
is that nobody questions it.

If a woman walked
around like this,

why, she would be arrested.

I think it's mostly
blue collar men.

And that's anther thing.

Why does this never
happen to male executive?

I mean, they don't seem
to have this problem.

You never see Bush and
Gorbachev at the Summit

shaking hands with
a little suit and tie on

with their pants
below sea level.

All right, all right. That's it.

I believe I have heard
about all I want to know

about male backsides,
low-slung pants, and testosterone.

Excuse me. I can
come back later.

No that's all right, Anthony.

Now, Anthony, do you know

why carpenters and
electricians wear their pants

hanging down below
their, you know?

No, I don't know, Charlene,

but I have the Encyclopedia
Britannica at home.

I can get back to you on that.

Thank you.

Where's my favorite girl?

She's upstairs
with Mrs. Philpott.

Mrs. Philpott? I
thought it was Mrs. Pine.

Well, Mrs. Pine quit to
take a better-paying job.

Mrs. Philpott said
she would come back

if I throw in car mileage
and holiday bonuses.

Oh, by the way, Vanessa called.

She wants to know if you
can come and pick her up.

Her car won't start.

She doesn't have a car.

Well, I guess that's
why it won't start.

I'm telling you, this girl is
going to be nothing but trouble.

I knew something like
this was going to happen.

Like, you all were nice enough
to give her a week's work,

and this is how she starts out.

She just didn't
want to ride that bus.

Anthony, there's no
reason to be so angry.

If she makes you that mad,
why are you dating her?

I am not dating her.

We went out one time on
New Year's Eve, and that's it.

I'm not even
interested in dating her.

Well, it's no big deal.

I mean, I'll go pick her
up. Where does she live?

No, no, Mary Jo,
that's not the point.

I'll do it, but it's
always something.

Vanessa's mother
abandoned the family,

and she's got seven
younger brothers and sisters.

She's always stranded
and doesn't have any money.

Can I come and pick her up?

Do I have a health insurance
card that she can use?

Uh, her phone got
turned off, the cat is lost,

her little nephew got his
head stuck in the potty seat.

Excuse me, Anthony.
Is this the same person

you assured me last week

would make a wonderful
temporary employee?

Yes, I did, Julia,

because I know you
like to help people, too.

I promise to you

I'm going to try to whip
Vanessa into shape.

You know, Anthony,
I don't know why,

but I'm just not getting a
real good feeling about this.

We've got to get
ready for taxes.

I need somebody to come in here

and do a hard week's
work on inventory.

We don't have lots
of time for nonsense.

Well, she can be some
trouble, but she grows on you.

I don't want her to grow on me.

I want her to work.

[Suzanne] I'm mad at Anthony.

He was supposed to recharge
my battery this morning.

Where is he?

Well, Suzanne,
I hate to tell you

but Anthony's taking
care of another woman

who seems to have even
more catastrophes than you do.

Looks like you've been
shot out of the saddle.

Who are you talking about?

Vanessa.

Vanessa? Who's that?

You know, that girl he had
a date with New Year's Eve.

Oh, please. Nightmare
on Harlot Street?

He doesn't care
anything about her.

Well, he just went
to pick her up.

What for?

Because she's helping
us with inventory this week.

I cannot believe this.
Julia, you mean to tell me

you went and hired that Tina
Turner person to work here?

Without even consulting me?

You were at the beauty shop.

This girl doesn't know
anything about inventory.

Well, she's had a job before.

- Where?
- Well, I don't know, Suzanne.

I hear she was laid off.

I'll bet, laid off
being the key phrase.

[phone rings]

Sugarbakers.

No, I'm sorry, he's not.
May I take a message?

Oh, hi. Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'll tell him. Bye.

Well, another
precinct heard from.

That was Leda.

She wants me to remind Anthony

that she's coming by today

to pick him up to
take him to lunch.

He's playing it kind of
fast and loose, isn't he?

I mean, he's got one
girl on the way here,

another girlfriend who's
coming to pick him up,

and another one
who's mad at him.

Very funny.

Excuse me, what's the
cap doing off my milk?

What do you mean, your milk?

Well, it's the milk I
expressed for Olivia.

What do you mean, expressed?

Well, you know what I mean.

Suzanne, you didn't put this
milk in your coffee, did you?

I am most certainly did not.

Yeah, well, it's
pretty funny to me

how the cap got out
of the refrigerator.

You know, I probably set the
bottle up here on the counter

when I was looking
for something else

and the cap just fell off.

I certainly didn't drink it!

What do you think I am,
some kind of pervert?

[spitting]

And as you're organizing
all the furniture receipts,

it would help if you divide
them into categories.

For example, love seats
and settees belong with sofas.

Are you sure?

I thought a settee was
one of them French toilets.

Now, I stayed in a hotel
where they had one once.

No, no, that's a bidet.

That is a settee.

But don't you worry
about it, Vanessa.

It isn't necessary for you

to be familiar
with all the items.

Let's just organize the
receipts month by month.

You do know the
months, don't you?

I sure do. I even know February.

A lot of people get
fouled up on that one.

Say, do you have a safe
where I could keep this?

No offense, but I wouldn't
want to get it stolen.

We can probably keep
that in the storeroom.

No one ever goes in there.

Listen, uh, about that skirt...

Isn't that the same outfit
you had on New Year's?

Oh, it was a lot like this.

I wear this skirt
with everything.

I see.

Do you think you could
get a little bit more material?

Oh, I could ask.

I got it from House of Yolanda.

- Why, you want one?
- No.

No. I just meant that I think
it's a little short for work.

Oh, Vanessa, if you'd care
to bring your lunch to work,

there's plenty of
room in the refrigerator.

That's right. Just
don't drink the milk.

Oh, that's all right.

Anthony and I will
probably just go out

and get us a
burrito or something.

Oh, Anthony, I forgot.

Leda's coming by to pick you up

and take you out for
lunch. Did you know that?

Well, hello, everybody.

Oh, I had forgotten, Charlene,

but thank you for the reminder.

Hey, Leda, we were
just talking about you.

You remember Charlene,
Mary Jo, Julia, and Suzanne?

- Hi.
- Hi.

And this is Vanessa.

She's helping us with
inventory this week.

How do you do?

I do fine. How do you do?

Well, that's enough
clever repartee.

We'd better be going.

Yes, I left the Beamer running.

Well, it certainly is great
seeing you all again.

It's great seeing you. Is
everything going okay?

Oh, I feel just great.

I'm running 5 miles
every morning.

I do the Sports illustrated
workout twice a day.

How about yourselves?

Oh, we're just doing
aerobic imagery.

You know, where we just
imagine ourselves exercising.

I never heard of that one.

Oh, it's the newest.

- Oh.
- You behave yourself, Vanessa.

Don't you worry about it, Jack.

Jack? Who's Jack?

Never mind, darling. Just go.

What's a Beamer?

That's Leda's way of saying BMW.

Oh. Thought it was a zit.

Well, Mrs. Philpott just
got Olivia down for her nap,

so I guess we can
all go to lunch, too.

I don't like it.

You don't like lunch?

No. I don't like anybody
going out with the man

who's going to be the
daddy of my children.

I don't know nothing
about Portuguese food.

I don't even know
what Portuguese is.

Just give me some of
the boullia-boullia stuff.

She'll have the bouillabaisse.

Very good. My name's Ian.

I'll be getting your drinks.

Thank you.

I'm not sure, but I think
Ian might be a homosexual.

Why? Because he
didn't flirt with you?

No, Charlene. Because
his name's Ian. He's a waiter.

In case you haven't noticed,

the restaurant business is
just riddled with homosexuality.

Thank you, Anita Bryant,

for that very up-to-date
and timely insight.

[Vanessa laughing]

Y'all are funny.

Oh, see, now you're
laughing. Things aren't so bad.

Now don't feel bad about not
knowing a thing about Portuguese food.

I had a friend once
who ordered quiche,

and she called it a quicky.

Well, that's one
mistake I'd never make.

I know what a quicky is.

I just don't know anything else,

I mean, that's classy.

You know, Vanessa,

you've got the wrong
idea about this class thing.

Class isn't something you learn.

It's something you've got.

That's right, and
I just don't got it.

Leda's got it.

Let's face it, I'm an
embarrassment to Anthony.

I'm uneducated and dumb.

Vanessa, please
stop saying that.

- You are not dumb.
- Yes, I am.

I thought a couch was a
toilet and a car was a zit.

I appreciate y'all
trying to be nice to me,

but it's hopeless.

I don't know
nothing about society

or any of the things
Anthony wants.

Who says Anthony wants that?

Well, you didn't see him
asking me to lunch, did you?

I mean, I've been
trying everything

to get that man to ask
me out since New Year's.

I make up excuses
to see him all the time,

but he's just not interested.

Yeah, well, for somebody
who's not interested,

he sure talks about you a lot.

Well, guess who I just passed

coming back from
the ladies' room.

Ian?

No. Anthony and Leda.

Who is Ian?

Our homosexual waiter.

We should have known better
than to come to this restaurant.

Anthony loves it here, too.

Where are they?

Over there.

Would you look at that?

She's rubbing the back
of his neck and laughing.

That's all right. I don't care.

She wants to start
trouble with me,

I've got a switchblade.

Vanessa, I don't think it will
be necessary to use a knife.

Tell me, do you actually
have that knife on you?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, actually, it's
just a fingernail file

with a little extra
hardware on it.

Oh, could I see it, please?

I'm interested in weaponry.
I have a gun myself.

I got it from them
toll-free numbers on TV.

I do it all the time,

and if you keep moving,
you don't have to pay for it.

Really? That's interesting.

Look at there,
rhinestone handle.

Ha! Hoo hoo! Oh, I like that.

Suzanne, put that thing away.

Mary Jo, you're not
going to believe it.

A guy just walked out
wearing a sweat shirt

and jeans below the equator.

I'm telling you,
it's an epidemic.

I can't get if off my mind.

I'm going to be thinking about
something completely different

next time I hear a newscast

talking about America's
crack problem.

What on earth are
you talking about?

We're talking about
maintenance man and carpenters

who go around with
their pants drooping.

Nobody knows the reason.

I know.

It's because tools
weigh them down.

You know, I never
thought of that.

That makes perfect
sense. I bet she's right.

It's so simple, I
can't believe it.

You said you weren't smart.

Vanessa, that's
absolutely ingenious.

You know, you guys
are really something.

I mean really cute, no
kidding. You cheer me up.

Hey, what's the deal
on this Leda person?

Do you like her a lot?

She's real nice,

and she's getting her
Masters in social sciences.

She's a good dresser.

She's ambitious, bright.

She's boring.

We don't like her at all.

Don't you dare tell
Anthony we said that.

Can you believe that?

What?

That woman over
at the next table,

she's flossing
her teeth in public.

Can you beat that?

[Vanessa] Oh, that's disgusting!

Talk about no class.

Have you ever... I mean,
people are sitting here

trying to enjoy their lunch.

She's sitting over there
like some big old goober

with a string on her mouth.

Excuse me! Excuse me.

Listen.

I want you to go over there

to that woman at the table
next to us flossing her teeth

and tell her if she wants
to keep flossing her teeth,

here is a quarter.

Now she can go to the
big pay toilet and do it.

Thank you.

Yes, ma'am.

Very adept, Suzanne.

I'm sure that's going to
bring a really nice response.

Anyway, I'll tell you
something, Vanessa.

As Julia and Mary Jo
and Charlene will verify,

nobody plays the dating
game better than me.

Now, do you want to
compete with this Leda person?

We'll just give her a
run for her own money.

We're going to rob her?

No. We're going shopping.

Suzanne, this is
none of our business

Julia, you just leave
everything to me.

All I know is when I
set out to do something,

I get the job done.

[gargling]

So why is Suzanne
picking up Vanessa?

I don't know, Anthony.

I guess, since they went
shopping together yesterday,

they now they seem
to think they're friends.

Yeah, somehow that
does not surprise me at all.

They are all a lot alike,

and Lord knows they're
both dangerous women.

It's funny, but I get the
same feeling around Vanessa

that I always get
around Suzanne.

What feeling is that?

Well, it's kind of like
that feeling that you get

when your car stalls
on the railroad track

and even though
there's no train in sight,

you still feel kind
of uneasy about it.

What kind of feeling
do you get around Leda?

Well, I guess I feel like
my car just stalled period.

That's what I thought.

Damn, Julia, I do not
want to like this girl.

She's everything I
worked to get away from.

So get away from her.

It's not that easy.

She gets to me.

She walks in the
room, and I light up.

I hate that.

Just when everything
is going so good...

I mean, I must be one of those
kind of guys that's not happy

unless he's getting
off the Titanic

and boarding the Exxon Valdez.

Well, I know when a
woman gets a man to cussing,

he's usually in trouble.

I'll never forget the first
time Reese Watson called me

to tell me he definitely was not

going to be falling
in love with me.

That's when I knew
there was nothing left to do

but reel him in.

You know, this
is no small thing,

this getting involved.

Vanessa's pretty screwed up.

On the other hand, she's
got a lot of possibilities.

Well, you didn't start
out where you are now,

and here you are.

I could be screwing up my life,

or I could be making the
best decision I'll every make.

I put my money on the first one.

Why don't we want what we need?

I don't know, Anthony.

Why do fools fall in love?

[door opens]

Well, good morning, all.

[Anthony] Good morning.

How are you, Vanessa?

I'm fine, Anthony.

How do you do?

Anybody want coffee?

I'll just get my own, thank you.

By the way, Mrs. Sugarbaker,
I just wanted to say

that whenever you're ready
to discuss today's agenda,

I'll be over at the disposal.

No.

You'll be at her disposal.

That's what I said.

You know, Vanessa, I
can't quite put my finger on it,

but you look somehow
different today.

I do?

Well, actually, these are
my new career clothes.

But I still got that
underwear you like.

You know, with
the hearts cut out.

Well, I think Suzanne
and I will just go upstairs

and take a look at Olivia.

Why? I've been looking
at her since was born.

She hasn't done anything yet.

Anthony, would you like
to get Vanessa started?

Oh, I'll be happy to.

You look very nice, Vanessa.

Thanks.

Would you care to have sex?

Well, no... I
would, but not now.

Listen, I want you to stop
asking me that all the time.

Don't stop asking me completely,

just not all the time.

Once every day or
so will be just fine.

And don't ask me in public.

Okay.

Would you like to have sex now

and then not have it
again till tomorrow?

Listen, Vanessa,

that is not the only reason
that I care about you.

It's not?

No, of course not.
Don't be a dummy.

Oh, I can't help it. I am dumb.

Oh, no, you're not.

You're very bright.

All right.

I guess they told you
about the carpenter's pants.

What?

Oh, never mind.

Is just that everyone's
trying to make me feel good.

Yeah?

So how do you feel?

Good.

Listen, I want you
to do me a favor.

You know, these are the people
that gave me my first break.

Well, I want you to do the
best job you've ever done

on any job that
you've every had,

and then tonight, I'm
going to buy you a steak,

and we're going to
have a nice long talk.

We are?

That's right.

If you're going to
be with me, Vanessa,

there are going to have
to be some changes.

I'm talking about
starting school,

getting a job, and
acting responsible.

Oh, you just give me goose
bumps when you get bossy.

I love you so much!

- Vanessa, I'm serious.
- I know.

What are you thinking about?

Nothing.

I was just listening to the
sound of you reeling me in.

[Mary Jo] Anthony and
Vanessa seem so happy together.

They look really cute.

Yeah, thanks to those
new clothes I got her.

In that other outfit,

she just looked like a
hooker with a preppy pimp.

Excuse me, Mrs. Stillfield,
would you ask about this?

Uh, yes, I certainly will.

Suzanne, did you turn in

Mrs. Philpott's name
to Unsolved Mysteries

as being a con artist
and a counterfeiter?

Yes, I did, Charlene.

I told you that weeks ago.

She looks exactly like this
woman named Roberta Harwood.

Well, that would explain

why she got a
visit from the police

and a letter from the TV show.

Suzanne, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

Why, Mrs. Philpott
is a grandmother.

And she's lived in
Atlanta all her life.

So she says.

I'm terribly sorry,
Mrs. Philpott.

Well it's all right.

I just want to get
it straightened out.

We really should be going.

- Night, y'all.
- [Mary Jo] Good night.

Good night, Charlene.

Good night, Roberta.

Just checking.

Excuse me, I'm supposed
to pick up a check.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Shively.

Hi, Rusty. I got it
all ready for you.

Thanks so much.
The light works great.

No problem. Any time.

- Good night.
- Good night.