Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 17 - Oh, What a Feeling - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Julia] Could you tell
me where I can get one?

Oh, okay, thank you very much.

You've been no help at all.

Well, that's it.

There are two million
people in this city

and apparently we
are the first ones

to ever come up
with a crazy notion

of renting a van after
5:00 in the evening.

Why don't you try this
one... Crazy Joe's Junkers?

He's crazy. Maybe
he stays open later.



That's who I was
just talking to.

Really? Julie, you called
a guy named Crazy Joe?

Yes, Charlene.

That is how desperate I am.

I telephoned a man who not
only calls himself Crazy Joe

but spells crazy with a K
and prints the Z backwards.

A man based his
entire business career

on the theme of illiteracy.

What are we going to do?

Anthony is stuck
out there on the 285

in the pouring rain with
that awful Mrs. Fricky

and all her furniture.

She's going to drive him nuts

if we don't get out there soon.



None of these rental places
are open after 5 in the evening.

All the ones at the
airport are out of vans.

The tow trucks are all
tied up because of the rain.

The only thing we can pray for is
that Mary Jo can borrow something.

Well, you can forget that.

I have tried everybody
I know, and nothing.

I even tried those
old hippie carpenters

we used a couple of years ago.

You know, they have
that weird love van,

but we can't use it because
there's a Grateful Dead concert

in Iowa three weeks from today.

But that's in three weeks.

We only need it for one night.

Yes, I know, but
they left already

because they plan to
drive across the country

sleeping in the van and
selling crystals for gas money.

Crazy Joe's, Wacky
Larry's, Insane Bob's.

What are these
people trying to do,

lure us in with the promise

the proprietor's
mentally handicapped?

This is terrible. Poor Anthony.

What are we going to do?

Well, I know what to
do. It's real simple, too.

Call up the police.

Tell them that Anthony
is an escaped convict

who's stolen a load of antiques

and taken a white woman hostage.

They'll just rush down here

with one of those big old
paddy wagons, you know,

pick him up, probably
even deliver the furniture.

That's a good idea, Suzanne.

And then we can change
the name of this place

to Nutty Sugarbaker,
the insane decorators.

[Suzanne] There's
another good plan.

You could just go
down, buy a new van,

use it tonight, take
it back tomorrow.

And say what, it didn't fit?

I would.

Actually, it's an
interesting thought.

Oh, Julie, no way they're
going to believe it didn't fit.

No, Charlene, I'm
thinking about buying a van.

We've been needing
a new one for a while.

Our old one has had it.

I say we just go down the
street to Townsend Motors,

pick out the van we want,

buy it tonight, and
rescue Anthony. Why not?

I'll tell you why not.

Because car dealers are sharks.

If you are desperate,
they can smell it.

As a matter of fact, I bet they
are down there right now going

"What is that, Bob?" [sniffs]

"I don't know, Al."

It's either four desperate women
in need to buy a van tonight

or my next trip to Hawaii."

Sugarbakers.

It's Anthony.

Where are you? Are you okay?

He's at Waffle House.

Where is Mrs. Fricky?

Where's Mrs. Fricky?

She's in the van, still
stuck on the highway.

I bet she's mad, huh?

Man, I hate to
criticize, but, you know,

even in a good day
she's kind of cranky.

Really?

He said she's in a good mood.

Gee, maybe we should have
stuck her out on the freeway

in a leaky van a long time ago.

What? Wait, hold.

He said she's happy because
this is her last furniture shipment,

and she says that if it's not delivered
to her house by midnight tonight,

her whole job is free.

Where would she get
a bizarre idea like that?

[thunder cracks]

I saw it on a pizza ad.

Great, Suzanne. Why don't you just
give away free pepperoni on the sofas?

There, you see, that shows
how good you'd be at sales

because that
wouldn't work at all.

You people act like
it's just so easy for me

to hustle up business
for this place.

You know, I got to steal
in the corner and yell

"Hey, drapes and coffee tables,"

and people just come running.

Well, you're wrong.

I have to flirt, I have to
wheedle, I have to lie,

and sometimes I
even have to threaten.

That is called sales.

It's not pretty. I
am, but it's not.

Hello, Anthony, you
can tell Mrs. Fricky

that I have no intention

of giving away a
house full of furniture

and interior decorating
services for free.

Wait for us.

We'll be there shortly
with a new van. Goodbye.

Suzanne, I cannot
believe you did that.

That is thousands and
thousands of dollars.

We can't afford to
pay for all that stuff.

Hey, I sell stuff.

I'm the front-end person.

You're supposed to deliver it.

You're the rear-end people.

Oh, that does it.

I'm on my way to the dealership.

- I'm going with you.
- Well, get your coat.

Fine, you all just leave
your dental records with me

so I can identify your bones

after they've been picked clean.

Oh, Mary Jo.

I'm serious. Y'all
leave me out of this.

I hate to bargain. I've
never been good at it.

And you know I lived in
Mexico for a couple of years

when Ted was in med school.

Let me tell you,
there is no such thing

as a price tag
south of the border.

At first I'd just
go to the market,

and I would just pay
whatever price they asked,

and after a couple
of weeks, I told Ted,

"We can't live in Guadalajara.
It's just too expensive."

How did you get by?

Well, I finally figured it out.

I'd go to the guys
in the market,

and I would say, "How
much is this orange?"

And they'd kind of size
me up and say, "$600."

And I'd walk away, and
they'd say, "30 cents."

I hate that.

Mary Jo, first of all,

this is Atlanta,
not Guadalajara.

And secondly, I have never
understood the mystification

of the car buying process.

Of course, they will
want to play games,

but it takes two to play,
and we just won't do it.

We will go in there.

We will make a reasonable offer,

allowing the dealer
a modest profit,

and we will stand firm.

And do you know
what will happen?

Yes, you will come
back with a $600 orange.

I read this article once

that says you should
always check and make sure

a van isn't two vans
welded together.

Well, that's what they do.

They take one van that's
been wrecked in the back

and one's that's been
wrecked in the front,

and they weld them together.

And you can't tell unless
you look under the carpet.

You're just going
down the highway,

and all of a sudden
it just comes apart

like Herbie the Love Bug.

All right now.

One of these dealers is
coming over here any minute,

so how are we going to play it?

Suzanne, we've
already discussed that.

The main thing is
not to waste time.

Now, if I was alone on this
situation, I'd use sex appeal,

but since I'm with you
two, I say we go for pity.

Now, we'll just say
that we're social workers

doing very important
community work,

and we need the van

to transport dirty, stinky winos

back downtown where they belong.

Suzanne, we are
going to be honest.

You mean about Mrs.
Fricky and about Anthony

- and us being desperate?
- Not that honest. Shh.

Hello. I'm Stan Payton.

This new deluxe sure
is something, huh?

Can I help you? Have
you got any questions?

Yes. Is this one van or two?

- Excuse me?
- [Julia] Never mind.

We've come to buy a van.

We're not interested
in the deluxe model.

We're looking for something
a little more simple.

Why don't we move on over here

and we'll see about getting
you ladies all fixed up?

I want to be your friend.

I like to get to
know my customers.

Let me tell you a little
something about myself first.

I was born right
here in Atlanta,

but I grew up mostly in Dallas.

I've got four brothers
and two sisters.

We were a big family.

Right now we're spread
out all over the place.

Anyway, I moved back
to Atlanta to go to Tech,

and I've never left.

I've got three kids of my own...

Two boys, 14 and 12,

and a little girl
who is almost 3.

Such a cute age, isn't it?

That's her right there.

We're on a camping
trip in Florida.

See, now that's my van.

Anthony's stuck
out of the highway

with that awful Mrs. Fricky.

We'll have to pay for everything

if we don't get a
new van right now!

Well, I'm glad that came out.

Yes, I am.

You know how badly
we need the van,

and that's fine

because I like to deal
honestly and fairly.

Now, we're a group of nuns,

and we need the van to
transport blind orphans.

Anthony, are you all right?

I found him walking down
the side of the freeway

in a pouring rain
carrying this floor lamp.

Know, buddy? most people
would just use a flashlight.

I couldn't wait any
longer, Mary Jo.

I couldn't stand another minute

with that awful woman.

I've been trapped
in small places

with people that I
didn't like before,

but this was the worst.

First she didn't like the
way I loaded her furniture,

then I was driving too fast,
then I was driving too slow.

Then I wasn't using
my mirrors properly.

And when the van broke down,

it somehow have something
to do with my racial heritage.

Anthony, I'm so sorry.

- Where is everybody?
- They went to get a van.

What happened to Mrs. Fricky?

Well, I was still very
polite, very professional.

I made her comfortable,
then I told her

I was going to walk
a mile and a half

in the pouring rain
to the Waffle House.

This was her cue to
place a snack order.

"I'll have a cup of
coffee, freshly brewed,

"with 2 tablespoons
of real cream

and three quarters of a
packet of Sweet and Low."

Then I walked down
the side of that highway,

endangering my life
for a mile and a half

to place that order and
to make a phone call,

then I turned around

and walked a mile and
a half back to the van,

at which time this woman
began to express her surprise

at "Oh, the coffee is tepid."

Well, this was my cue to
politely open that van door

and begin hauling her
furniture to her house

one piece at a time.

That seemed preferable to
spending another millisecond

in the presence of
that insufferable woman

and, I might add,
her humungous butt.

Mary Jo, I say we
just leave her there.

She's got furniture.

Let her just start life anew
on the side of that highway.

Anthony, we can't

because of that stupid
promise that Suzanne made.

Right. So where are they
supposed to be getting this van?

Well, we couldn't
rent one or borrow one,

so they've all go down to
Townsend Motors to buy one.

Together? The three of them?

Julia, Suzanne, and Charlene?

No, no, this is not good.

I tried to stop them.

Oh, man, those car
dealers are tough.

You got to be ready for them.

Did they have any kind of plan?

Julia said they were going
to make a reasonable offer

and stand firm.

No, I get to get
down there right now.

Mary Jo, can you drive me?

My car's in the shop.

Charlene brought
me to work today.

Well, I guess a cab
is out of the question.

With all this rain, it
would be hours coming.

Do you at least have a
raincoat I could borrow?

Hey, I'm not proud.

Okay.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome,
Mary Jo. Any time.

And when I say any time,

I mean never again
on God's green earth.

[Suzanne] If we're
going to confer,

why can't we do it in
a conference room?

I've heard that car dealers
bug those conference rooms

so they can tell when
you're weakening.

Bet they couldn't
bug this ladies' room.

Can you imagine
what they'd hear?

Okay, we're about
to run out of time,

so I'm just going to be blunt.

Suzanne, it does not
further negotiations

to have you popping your
cleavage on that man's desk.

I think it furthers
things just fine.

I had him confused.

You certainly did.

Every time he
looked at your chest,

we have listen
to that story again

about that summer he
worked on the dairy farm.

Oh, well, excuse me

for taking charge
of the situation.

I mean, y'all weren't
doing very well,

and I am the
expert in this area.

I mean, when it comes to
taking something from a man,

I know what I'm doing.

I wish you two would
stop undermining my plans.

Suzanne, we have already
seen Plan A and Plan B.

You can just put them away now.

[knock on door]

[Anthony] Suzanne,
Julia, Charlene.

That's Anthony.

[Anthony] Suzanne.

Anthony, what are
you doing here?

I'm not looking, I promise.

You are soaking wet.
Get in here and dry out.

No, no, I don't want to
come in the ladies' room.

Charlene, what do
you think you're doing?

Suzanne, he might
catch pneumonia.

Anthony, want to come over here

and warm up under
the hand dryer?

- Oh, no.
- It's very sanitary.

Please, I don't want to
be in the bathroom at all.

Any strange women
that are out there

other than these three,

I'm not looking at
them, I'm leaving.

I'll be waiting outside.

Anthony, it's all right.

We are the only ones in here,

and we are all fully
clothed... So far.

Oh, very funny.

- You're dry. Sit down.
- No, no, no.

I don't want to sit
down. No, no... Oh.

Hey. What is this is, a couch?

You know, for a minute,
I thought... never mind.

Wow, so this is
the ladies' room.

It doesn't look like
a bathroom at all.

It looks like
somebody lives here.

No wonder it
takes y'all so long.

So how are we coming
on this car buying?

Anthony, where is Mrs. Fricky?

Well, that's what
I came to tell you.

She's still sitting in the van
on the side of the highway.

Well, I almost had
the deal closed up,

but these two keep butting in.

[Charlene] Well, Suzanne,
Stan is our friend, too.

[Anthony] Stan? Is
that the salesman?

Yeah. He's real sweet.
You'd like him, Anthony.

You know, he was a
communications major...

Charlene, he is not sweet.

He is impossible.

Whoa, whoa. I think I
see what the problem is.

- What?
- Well, now, forgive me Julia,

but you are not
on your turf here.

You are on his turf,

and you when you're
on another man's turf,

you have to play it his way.

I don't like to play
games, and frankly,

I think he's been a
little bit patronizing to us

because we're women.

Well, all right, then.

If he really feels that way,

we can use that against him,

so here's what we can do.

Anthony, what you're
getting ready to say,

is it some trick
you've picked up

from some lowlife
con man in prison?

Well, yes.

Good.

Hello, Stan. I'm
Anthony Bouvier.

I understand you've been
taking good care of my ladies.

- Your ladies?
- Well, yes, they work for me

in a little design
firm that I own.

I thought Sugarbakers
was their name.

Well, it is, but I recently
acquired the business

in a leverage buyout

which I'm afraid to say
has left me cash poor.

I hope my employees haven't
wasted too much of your time.

Oh, no. We've been good friends,

and they've already picked
out the van they want to buy.

Well, I'm sure that
they have, Stan.

You know how women
are. They love to shop,

but it's always up to
us men to pay for it.

I hope we haven't
inconvenienced you too much,

but I just don't think we're
going to be buying a van tonight.

That old van has
taken us a lot of miles.

I think it's going to
take us a few more.

It might be time to think
about trading that one in

on something a
little more reliable.

Well, the price would have
to be awfully low to attract me.

What kind of money
are we talking about?

I could put you in a
van tonight for this figure.

Whoo! That's a
little high, Stan.

Hey, it's negotiable.

You know, I like you.

I want you to have this van,

and besides, I really prefer
dealing with the man in charge.

Okay, that's it.

Julia, please, I would
hate to have to fire you.

Let's get a few things
straight, Mr. Payton.

We don't work for
Anthony. He works for us.

Anthony's our delivery man.

I do some contracting
on the side.

I'm tired of playing games.

I don't want to hear
about your potty-training

or the first time you kissed
a girl. This is business.

And since we can't seem
to conduct it as business,

we'll be leaving.

Julia, what are you doing?

We can't just walk out.

[whispering] We're
not walking out.

We're just going to let
him think we're walking out.

He'll come after us.

[Suzanne] Now what?

I don't know about you all,

but I think I need to
go to the ladies' room.

Hi. How are you this evening?

Ah-ah! No, you don't.

Don't come anywhere near me.

I have a cab waiting outside.
I'm not here to buy anything.

I'm just looking for my friends.

I'm not trying to
sell you anything.

And your friends are
here. Sugarbakers, right?

- Uh-huh.
- You can relax.

I have a different philosophy

from most of the
people that work here.

I know how you feel.
You walk into a dealership,

and you're just ready to be
attacked by sleazy salesmen.

- Am I right?
- Well, yes.

I understand. Why
don't you sit down?

Can I get you something?
Coke, coffee, tea?

I can heat up some
soup in a microwave.

We might have a
burrito back there.

No, thank you.

I was just getting
worried about my friends.

I didn't think you
would be open.

- It's so late.
- Every day till midnight.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Midnight?
- Yeah.

Who buys a car at
12:00 on a weeknight?

You'd be surprised.

My name's Stan. What's yours?

- Mary Jo.
- That's a pretty name.

My daughter's named Mary Jane.

So how come you came
here in a cab, Mary Jo?

My car's in the shop.

Oh, too bad. Such
an inconvenience.

Been breaking down a lot?

Oh, every once in a while.

Yeah.

You probably need
a new one soon.

Oh, you're good.

I bet they bought a van
from you, didn't they?

Well, we're very
close to a deal.

Yes, I'll bet you
are. Can I see that?

Mm-hmm.

It's a $600 orange.

Excuse me?

You ever bought a live
chicken in Guadalajara.

Ha ha ha. I'm lost.

Well, when they first
give you the price,

it sounds pretty good.

Then there is a charge
to kill the chicken

and a charge to
pluck the chicken,

then a charge to cut
the chicken's head off.

But let me tell you, Stan.

Even in Guadalajara,

they don't have the nerve
to charge a processing fee.

What is that?

Oh, that's just a charge
for the paperwork.

$125 for paperwork?

No.

I'm sorry. What do you mean no?

You're going to have to
pluck that chicken yourself.

Hey.

"Dealer prep."

No.

Options, uh-uh.

"Corrosion package"?
Give me a break.

You know, I think I hear
your cab honking out there.

Hey, you know, when you
get rid of all these extras,

it's not a bad price.

You know, I haven't shown
you pictures of my kids, have I?

I've got three kids.
Do you have kids?

Yes, I do. A daughter
16 and a son who is 9.

Not even he would fall
for this gasoline charge.

Oh, I know it sounds
like a lot of money,

but you can't think about
what you're spending.

You have got to think
about what you're getting...

A brand-new 1989 van.

Yes, that's right.

What we're getting
is a 1989 van,

but I have a little news
bulletin for you, Stan.

It's 1990.

Oh, you're good.

Mary Jo?

What are you doing here?

Well, I just came down to see
what's taking you all so long.

Well, sometimes buying a car

can be a long and
drawn out process.

Mary Jo, I think you
should just go on home now

because we have a
plan and you're not in it.

Really? What is it?

Well, mostly throwing
ourselves on the floor

and begging and
crying for mercy.

Anthony, you spoiled it.

Well, what's this, Stan?

Oh, that's just scratch paper.

Charlene, get out the checkbook.

Oh, I get it.

You all come down here and
act incompetent to throw me off,

and then you
send in the big gun.

Big gun?

Excuse me, but nobody
here was acting anything.

Yeah, we really
were incompetent.

Well, no offense.

I hope we can still be friends.

And then I reeled him in,
scooped him up in my net,

and threw him on
the bottom of boat.

Flop, flop, flop.

Yes, Mary Jo.

We've heard that
story several times now.

Though the fish metaphor is new.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just a
little drunk with power.

I have never beaten
anybody in a deal before.

I think it's great.

I still don't know
how you did it.

I guess I picked up some
bargaining skills along the way.

I'm not the same
scared little girl I was

when Ted was in med school.

Well, it was worth it all

just to see the look
on Mrs. Fricky's face

when we pulled up at 11:15.

Well, it's 1:00 now, and
I need my beauty sleep,

so I think I'm just going
to be going on home

before Donna Trump
here starts telling us

about the art of the deal again.

- It is late.
- Oh, I got to get home.

Are you all going? Really?

I'm kind of wired.

I thought we might do something.

- Well, like what?
- I don't know.

I thought I might hop on a bus,

go down to Guadalajara,

and buy me a live chicken.