Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Fur Flies - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Hi, everybody.

Oh, Oh, who's here? Hi, Olivia.

- Can you say hi to Julia?
- Hi.

Well, hi, Bill. What
are you doing here?

Just helping Charlene
haul all the baby stuff.

We're considering buying
this child her own borough.

- Mrs. Philpott quit
this morning - Oh, No.

Yeah, I knew we only had
her till the end of the month,

but with her sister sick,
we are high and dry.

Uh, not all of us.



I'd get it, honey.
You better go.

I'd take her,

but you will be amazed at
how inflexible the Air Force is

about babies riding
around in fighter planes.

- Honey, I got to
go - Okay, bye, hon.

- Bye-bye sweetheart
- Say bye, Daddy.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Yesterday she managed to spit up,
pee, and poop all at the same time.

I'm so proud.

I have to hire
another nanny today.

I got some names from an agency,

but right now

I think it is time for
a diaper change.

So you decided to use cloth
diapers, huh? Good for you.



Oh, yeah, they're
really the only choice.

Besides, disposables aren't
biodegradable or recyclable.

I'll tell you something awful.

Deep down in my heart,

I would rather have
disposable diapers

sitting in a landfill
for 100 years

than have dirty cloth ones
in my bathroom for one week.

You talk about toxic waste.

Ta-da. How do I look?

Like something ate you.

Where on earth did you get that?

I'm modeling it in a
fashion show tomorrow

Isn't it stunning?

Suzanne, it is gross to wear
a dead animal on your back.

Oh, pooh, Mary Jo.

You are just so out of it.

This is an after-dinner
mink pullover worth $10,000.

Anthony, you don't
think it's gross, do you?

Well, Suzanne, it's
been my experience in life

that nothing is gross if
it costs enough money.

If caviar were cheap,
then it would be gross.

Just gross old poor people

sitting around eating
disgusting, gross fish eggs.

The same goes for
frog legs, escargot,

and truffles snorted
out the ground by pigs.

Believe me, if fur
coats were cheap

and only poor people wore them,

everyone would think they
were big, hairy, bulky eyesores,

but they're expensive,
so they are gorgeous.

Suzanne, if that coat
is worth that money,

shouldn't it stay with the
fashion show people till tomorrow?

Well, I don't see why.

After all, it's
mine. I bought it.

I thought you were
supposed to be low on cash.

No, Suzanne is never low on cash

when it comes to
spending it on herself.

She just poor-mouths
to get discounts.

Anthony, come on over here
and help me get this thing off.

[Mary Jo] What are you doing?

[Suzanne] This is
how it comes off.

Well, that's bizarre-looking.

It's a designer
original, Mary Jo.

Pretty soon everyone is
going to be wearing them.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure everyone
in our carpool will be.

She is so cute.

I just her changed her diaper.
She went right off to sleep.

- Hi, Suzanne.
- Hi, Charlene.

What happened to your hair?

[Anthony laughs]

It's a hat, Charlene.

Oh, it's nice.

I know why y'all got
such a bee in your bonnet.

You don't think
people should wear fur.

You think the little
animals should just run free.

I already got that
lecture from you, Julia,

when I bought that
fur jacket last year,

and I don't need
to hear it again.

Yes, I am anti-fur,

and I don't care who knows it.

That jacket was made of nutria,

wild animals caught
in big steel-jawed traps.

I think it is barbaric.

Even when they're raised
on farms, I don't like it.

Well, I'm sorry.

I mean, it's not
like those nutrias

were going to live long
and productive lives anyway.

Most of then just run across
the swamps for about nine months

until they get eaten up
by some old alligator.

They are going to go
one way or another.

Anthony, if you were a nutria,

would you rather
be a beautiful coat

and go with me to
the governor's ball

or lie around the swamp in
some old alligator's intestines?

Let me get back to you
on that one, Suzanne.

Well, I don't think killing
any wild animal is acceptable.

Oh, yeah?

What about that rat
that got into your kudzu?

When he got into your
attic, you had an exterminator

come over and nail that
little sucker that afternoon.

Whap.

Well, it wasn't like I
made him into a muff later.

But you do have a point.

I mean, if you believe
that animals have rights,

then that should be all animals,

not just the cute ones.

I mean, it's a
little hypocritical.

I mean, it's like saying only
attractive people have rights.

Yeah, well I believe that, too.

And, Julia, don't you be
getting all holier than thou,

sitting there in
a leather skirt.

There is a difference, Suzanne.

Cows are not
raised just for leather.

We use other parts of the cow.

Oh, so I guess what
you are saying is

if I have myself a nice
old mink steak for dinner,

then it would be okay?

Mary Jo, will you help me
carry the baby stuff upstairs?

Sure.

[Anthony] Oh, Charlene, I'll
get the rest of the stuff for you.

Thank you, Anthony.

Well, you do have
a lot of stuff here.

I'm serious, Julia.

I do not want you to get up
on your soapbox about this one.

Otherwise I might have
to point out to everybody

that you own a
fur coat yourself.

You know what I am referring to.

Mother's mink?

Suzanne, you know
I never wear that.

It's a family heirloom.

It was Grandmother's,
for heaven's sake.

It's just a souvenir
of someone we loved.

Maybe, all I'm saying
is you own a mink.

So speaking of
big steel-jaw traps,

you can just keep yours shut.

[Charlene] Well, thanks
so much for coming.

I'll let you know when I decide.

Did y'all like her?

You know, Charlene,

are you sure that you asked
the agency to send over nannies?

Well, yeah, why?

I don't know. It's just that
after talking to those last two,

I was thinking, you know,
maybe they misunderstood you.

Maybe they thought that you
wanted to interview ninnies.

There is another woman
coming, isn't there?

Yes, one more.

Then we have to get right down to that
fashion show because we're late now.

Suzanne's down there
festooning herself with pelts.

We certainly don't
want to miss that.

Maybe she ran over a
possum on the way down there

and will be carrying
that as a purse.

I hope this next
nanny is better.

I guess what I'm hoping
is that Julie Andrews

will just land on top of
my roof in an umbrella.

I just love her.

I mean, Mary Poppins
and Maria von Trapp,

I mean, she would be
perfect, wouldn't she?

You know, Charlene,
when you think about it,

Mary Poppins wasn't
all that great of a nanny,

stuffing the kids up chimneys

and making them
dance around on roofs.

Why, nowadays, should be
probably in jail for child endangerment,

and Dick Van Dyke with her.

[Anthony] Oh, no, we're late.

I hope we haven't
missed Suzanne.

Don't worry about that, Anthony.

I'm not particularly crazy
about these events anyway.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot.
- What did you forget?

Nothing. Forget it.

What were you going
to say you forgot?

I was going to say

I guess you wouldn't really like
coming down to the fashion show

because of how come
you were in it last year

and got the back of your skirt

tucked up in pantyhose and
walking out on the runway

with 1,200 people getting a
bird's-eye view of your backside,

but then I remembered

that you didn't like
to be reminded of that,

so I wasn't going to say it.

I was just going
to keep it to myself.

- Nice job.
- Thank you. I tried.

You know, I had almost
forgotten about that, too.

I wonder if anybody
else remembers.

I mean, the same people
come to this thing year after year.

I guess just about everybody
here must've seen it.

No, not everybody.
Olivia wasn't born yet.

Even if she had seen it,

it wouldn't have been that bad
because you've changed her diapers.

That makes you and her even.

- Thank you, Charlene.
- You're welcome.

This is precisely why Suzanne

is representing
Sugarbakers this year.

She will walk down the
runway without incident.

Suzanne is excellent at
walking down runways.

It is perhaps
her greatest skill.

And Sugarbakers
will be redeemed.

Oh, here she comes.

[Woman] And here we
have Suzanne Sugarbaker

representing the
Sugarbaker design firm

and modeling the new
look in apres skiwear.

- 50 living creatures
died for that coat!
- [audience gasps]

Want to make it 51?

How does it feel to have
a corpse on your back?

- Oh, shut up.
- Oh, and the snappy comeback
strikes again.

[scuffling on stage]

[Man] There's no
humane way to kill.

Whether it's traps, gas,
electrocution, it doesn't matter.

You can't support this.

Hey, somebody get my gun!

- [Woman] We just want to talk to you.
- [Charlene] Where is she?

[Suzanne screams]

Oh, there she is.

[Suzanne] Okay,
that's it. I'm mad now.

[Charlene] How is
she feeling today?

The doctor says she'll be fine

as long as she keeps
that arm immobilized.

A week should have been
enough for the sprain to heal.

She'll be getting the
brace off tomorrow.

[Mary Jo] Well, that's good.

Oh, it's good, all right.

I'm getting a little tired of
fetching and carrying for her.

She acts like she's
paralyzed from the nose down.

[Suzanne] Julia!

Except for the lips.

You know, I never
forget the look on her face

when those protesters
jumped up on that runway.

She looked like
a trapped animal.

Well, she kind of looked
like that before, too.

You know, I've got about
six messages on my machine

from that woman
Annette what's-her-name,

the head of that People
Against the Abuse of Animals.

She sounds very apologetic,

but frankly, I don't
want to talk to her.

Well, Julia, I mean, Suzanne
really took a swing at that guy.

You know, if she
hadn't tried to punch him,

she wouldn't have
tripped and fallen off

and landed on the mayor and all.

I'm sure she's still having
nightmares, though.

Can you imagine just sitting
there, minding your own business,

when this huge ball of fur just
comes hurtling at you and flattens you?

I mean, it's like something that
would've happened to Grizzly Adams.

Julia, I've been calling you.

In a minute, Suzanne.

I can't believe she
talked the doctor

into putting that brace
on over the fur coat.

I told you she wanted
to cut it off of her,

but she wouldn't hear of it.

No, she would rather
wear it for a week.

In the meantime, I
have to cook for her,

wash her, put her
to bed, entertain her.

We should get Suzanne a nanny.

Oh, Charlene, I
forgot to tell you.

I have a great lead for
you. Constance Pine.

Constance Pine? Really?

Well, I thought she
was with someone.

- No, she is available.
- Do I have a chance?

Well you are just
the type she likes.

Didn't we used to talk
about men like this?

Who is Constance Pine?

Oh, Julia. Julia. She is famous.

She is one of the best baby
nurses in Atlanta, maybe the best.

I mean, even getting someone
who was trained by her is a big deal.

I would be so honored to have
my child drool down her back.

I thought you
would feel that way,

so when I heard she was
up for grabs, I just called her.

She is coming
today for an interview.

Well I'm sure if she has
such a sterling reputation,

she will pass the
interview easily.

Oh, no, no, she is
going to interview me.

Maybe I should go
home and change.

No, you don't have time.
She said she'd just drop by.

She didn't say when.

Oh, okay, now, when she gets
here, you've got to drop some hints

about what a good mother I
am and what a good father Bill is,

what a good baby Olivia is.

Now, don't make
anything up, of course,

but let's make me look good.

Hello, I spoke to
somebody on the phone.

Oh, yes. Hi. That was me.

- Hi, I'm Mary Jo Shively.
- Hello.

Hi... oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so bad with
names. Was that you?

Oh, please forgive me.

Oh, that's no
problem, no problem.

- Please, come, sit.
- Oh, thank you.

Could we get you anything...
Coffee, tea, anything at all?

Coffee would be
lovely, thank you.

Now, this is
Charlene Stillfield,

probably the best mother
in the whole wide world.

- Mary Jo.
- Oh, she is, truly.

Listen, she has not slept
at all since the baby came.

She just breast feeds
her 24 hours a day.

And her husband Bill,

oh, you have to meet him, too,

and that little girl
is just an angel.

As a matter of fact, she's
upstairs asleep right now.

[Suzanne] Somebody, I'm hungry!

That's not her.

Here is your coffee.

These muffins are very good.

Charlene bought them herself.

[Woman] Well, thank you.

You all are certainly
so nice and friendly.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't
have been surprised

if you had just kicked me right
out of the door and into the gutter.

Well, I'm Julia Sugarbaker.

I'm Annette Dawes.

Annette Dawes...

from the People Against
the Abuse of Animals?

Yes.

[chuckles]

Gee, I guess this means
that I don't get to meet Bill.

Obviously, you and your people

admire and love animals so much,

you decided to behave like them.

Quite frankly, a few
members of your group

looked as though they might
greatly benefit from a flea dip.

That is what I have
been trying to tell you.

Those people were
not from our group

that jumped up on that runway.

Oh, well, some of
them used to be,

but we do not condone
physical confrontations.

They were acting
totally on their own.

You know, the person you should
be explaining this to is my sister.

Unfortunately, that sweet,
gentle girl is upstairs now

confined to bed with the many
injuries and bruises she sustained

in that ridiculous fight.

Julia, where are you?

Suzanne, this is Ms. Dawes

from the People Against the
Abuse of Animals or PAAA.

Oh, really?

Let me tell you
something, Ms. PAAA.

I am wearing this
fur coat to sleep in.

I have been
wearing this fur coat

24 hours a day for a week,

and you know why?

Because my arm is sprained,
and I can't lift it over my head.

The doctors wanted
to cut it off of me,

but naturally I
couldn't let them.

I mean, after all, they
are doctors, not tailors.

Doctors should stick to cutting
off things like hearts and livers,

not important
things like fur coats.

So I've been stuck
inside this thing.

Do you know what it means

to wear a fur coat 24
hours a day for a week?

It's hot, it's bulky, and
it's starting to smell.

I can't go outside because
dogs follow me around,

and I'm not happy.

I don't want to see a fur
coat for the rest of my life.

I don't want to see fur.
I don't want to hear fur.

I don't even want to
open the refrigerator

and see some old
food with fur on it.

In that case,

would you like to
join our organization?

I would just take that as a no.

[Suzanne] Do you
believe that bimbo

asked me to join
her organization.

Suzanne, you should look
at some of these literature.

You might change your mind.

What do you think, Charlene?

Well, I wasn't
going to tell y'all this,

but I might as well.

I suppose you're
going to be shocked,

but I'm just going to do it.

My point of view
is... I'm not sure.

Well, get my smelling salts.

Don't go dropping bombshells
on us like that, Charlene.

Someone could
have a heart attack.

Well, I'm surprised.

You've got such a
big heart, Charlene.

I figured this stuff
would really get to you?

It does. It does.

I mean, you all have
got to remember,

I'm a country girl, you know,
and people in the country

are a lot less
sentimental about animals.

I mean, I'm not
one of those people

who thinks that meat
comes from the store,

all nice wrapped
up in cellophane.

I know where it comes from.

You learn those hard
lessons real early.

Mostly about not naming the
lambs, because if you name them,

it makes it real hard to get
the lamb chops down later.

I don't know, we hunted and
trapped wild animals all the time,

and Daddy called
just last week all proud

because Harold Thomas
had just shot his first deer.

I don't like to make those
connections quite so fast,

but when I was a little girl,

I had this white
rabbit skin headband

that wore to church on
Sundays with my red coat,

and I just loved it,

and I would just sit for
hours on end and stroke it.

I just thought it was the softest
thing I had ever felt in my life.

And then one day my friend Kelly
asked me over to play with her,

and she had just
gotten a new pet,

which was a rabbit
named Benjamin.

And we just played
with him all day long,

and I I didn't think
a thing about it

until the next Sunday when I
went to put my headband on,

and when I touched it,

I realized that it felt
just like Benjamin.

I went to bed with a stomachache
and cried for two days.

You know what you
people's problem is?

You think too much.

You've never really been plagued
with that one, have you, Suzanne?

No indeedy.

You know, when I had Noelle,

people were always
getting all bent out of shape

because I would eat fried
pork rinds in front of her.

I don't know. I
guess they thought

I'd get some sudden moral
how-do-ya-do about fried pork rinds.

Get serious.

Julia, you were one of them.

You certainly refused
to sit in front of Noelle

and eat fried pork rinds.

I didn't eat the
fried pork rinds

because they were
nauseating, Suzanne.

Now, the three of
us better get going

if we want to get back
here from Libby Mayes's

before the baby nurse comes.

Anthony, you wouldn't
mind watching Olivia, will you,

for about 20 minutes?

Now, if Constance Pine comes,

you tell her I would
be right back, okay?

Oh, sure.

Well, when all is
said and done sitting,

I have to stand up
for what I believe in

no matter how much it hurts,

so I think I will go ahead

and sell Grandma's coat.

Well, then,

when they get this
thing off me tomorrow,

you and me will have
us a little fur sale.

And we can take the
proceeds, baby sister,

and go buy ourselves

the most beautiful,
luxurious, fake fur coats.

How about it?

Oh, no, no Julia,
you can't do that.

No, fake furs are made from petroleum
products. They're not biodegradable.

- [Suzanne] Charlene.
- What?

You are thinking again.

[Anthony] Okay, now, Olivia,
now, your uncle Anthony

has got to go out to the
van for just a few minutes,

but he's going to
be right back, okay?

Okay, now, Suzanne,

you can watch her for just
a few seconds, can't you?

Of course.

All right, there you go.

Ooh, Suzanne, you may want
to air out that fur coat a little bit.

It's coming off tomorrow.

What do you people
want from me anyway?

Hello?

- I'm Constance Pine.
- Who?

Oh, yeah, the baby nurse.

I did mention I'd
be dropping by.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Is this the child?

Uh-huh.

Her name is Alicia.

I thought it was Olivia.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

I just call her the baby.

Oh. Well.

Does she have any allergies?

How would I know?

I see.

It's little chilly
in here, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. That's because
I got the heat turned down

because I'm wearing
this fur coat, you see.

Yes, I do.

If I don't have don't have
the heat turned down,

then it's just too hot to wear
a fur coat around the house.

You know, it's just sweltering,

and I haven't been sleeping
all that well lately anyway.

Of course, with a
new baby in the house.

Oh, her? No.

She starts to cry, I just
stick in my earplugs.

Oh, hello. May I help you?

I don't know.

I'm Constance Pine.

Oh, the baby nurse. I'm
so pleased to meet you.

I see you already
met our little Olivia.

Yes, I have.

So you two are married?

Married? Oh, no.

I'm not married.

Well, I don't think we
need to talk anymore.

I make these
decisions very quickly.

In all my many
years of baby nursing,

I have never, never seen a
child who needs me more.

I'm taking the
job, Miss Stillfield.

You are?

Darling. [laughs]