Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Mistress - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to take our dog
Brownie to the vet.

It's okay. You want
a breakfast bar?

No, just coffee. Thanks.

I already had some of Quint's
Teenage Mutant Ninja cereal.

Then Brownie and I stopped
off at the 7-Eleven for a Big Gulp.

What the heck is that stuff?

Rice cakes. I started
my diet last night.

You put jelly on them?

Yes.



Do you have a problem with that?

You've been on
a diet for 12 hours

and already you're this cranky?

Yes.

As a matter of fact, after work,

I'd probably be crashing
my car into a Taco Bell.

What's it to you?

Nothing.

I just hate it when
you're on a diet.

Yeah, well that's because
you're little and tiny and cute.

You never have to
eat stuff like rice cakes.

I ought to just cram
down your throat.

I'll ignore that.
Any phone calls?

Just Ansel Pollard. He
ought to be here in a minute.



Oh, gee, I better get
some stuff together.

Who's this Ansel Pollard guy?

Well, he's a very
wealthy stockbroker.

Haven't you ever
heard of Ansel Pollard?

Well, I can't be very rich
if I never heard of him.

Why, you didn't even know Sam
Walton's the richest man in America.

Yes, Mary Jo, that's right.

That's because he
lives in Arkansas.

This is Atlanta
we're talking about.

This is my territory.

I know the name of every
man in this city who has money.

I know the names of the men who
are thinking about having money.

As a matter of fact,

I even know the
names of little boys

who are good at
playing Monopoly.

So don't be telling me about the
men who have money in Atlanta, okay?

Hi, y'all. I'm sorry we're late.

We overslept.

But that shouldn't surprise you

since we've overslept
everyday for two weeks.

- How are you, Mrs. Philpott?
- Oh, I'm just fine,
thank you.

- [baby coos]
- And how is our precious
little Livvie today?

Oh, she's great. She loves
keeping everybody up all night.

[Julia] Look at that face,
not a trace of remorse.

Mrs. Philpott, will
you take her upstairs?

- I'll be up to feed her
in a few minutes.
- Sure.

Bye, cupcake, mom
will see you in a minute.

I'll never forget
Payne's first year.

There was a point there when I said, "Well,
we're just never going to sleep again."

You know, I just
don't understand that.

I mean, I got Noel
when she was a baby,

and all she did was sleep.

I mean, I know she's
just a pig, but still.

I have been thinking,
"Boy, this is all right.

This pig is no trouble at all."

Well, I'm sure glad y'all don't mind
me bringing her to work with me.

Mind? We love it.

I mean, she's kind
of our baby, too.

Besides, how else are
you going to nurse her?

Oh, Charlene, that reminds me.

I saw two things on TV
I got to tell you about.

Now, the first one is... there
was a segment on the news

about that league of breastfeeding
people you like so much,

you know, La Liki?

Suzanne, it's La Leche.

Oh, well, whatever.

- Also, what is that
Mrs. Philpott's first name?
- Blanche, why?

Could she ever have gone by
the name of Roberta Harwood?

I don't know. Why?

Because she looks like this
woman I saw on Unsolved Mysteries.

- [door opens]
- Hello.

- [Charlene] Hello.
- I'm Ansel Pollard.

Mr. Pollard, how
nice to meet you.

- I'm Julia Sugarbaker.
- How do you do?

Why won't you
come in and sit down?

[Pollard] Thank you.

Well, I know you must
be very busy, and so am I,

so I'll come right to the point.

As I told you on the phone,

I saw what you
did for the Sieferts,

and l like your work very much.

I take it you're
interested in Neo-classic.

[Pollard] Yes, I am.

In fact, that's the way I want
to do my entire condominium.

Condominium? I'm sorry.

It was our understanding you
wanted us to redecorate your house.

Well, I do, but the house
is completely different.

The house has got
to be Country French.

[Charlene snoring]

[Julia] You'll have
to excuse Charlene.

She has a new baby.

We'd wake her, but this is really
the only chance she gets to sleep.

Hey, I understand. I
raised four children myself.

- [snoring continues]
- Charlene.

Oh, I'm sure she would
be so embarrassed.

I mean, I know that
she would never snore

unless she was just
completely exhausted.

- Charlene.
- [snorts] What?

What's happening? What?

You were snoring.

Oh, no. I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be silly. It was nothing.

Oh, I can't believe it.

I bet it was really
loud, wasn't it?

Charlene, just forget
about it. We have.

I'm so embarrassed.
Tell me, was it really loud?

- Not that bad.
- It was pretty loud.

I'm just going to
quit coming to work.

I told you, you should have
just gotten yourself a pig.

I feel fresh every morning.

So, anyway,

as you were saying, Mr. Pollard,

you want your condo
done in Neo-classic

and your house Country French?

Yes, that's right...
It's very important

that you keep those
two facts straight.

My wife hates Neo-classic,
loves Country French.

Well, won't she be
going to the condo?

Oh, boy, I certainly hope not.

What do you mean?

That's where I keep my mistress.

[Suzanne] Well, I
guess that explains

why I didn't recognize the name.

I mean, any man who
keeps a wife and a mistress,

I don't waste my
time knowing about.

Because, I mean, even if he
does have money, what's the point?

I mean, all a man
like that is, is trouble.

It's just like grandpa
Sugarbaker used to say...

A man who's burning
the candle at both ends

is probably just going to
end up with a very short wick.

I don't recall grandpa
Sugarbaker saying that.

Well, somebody said
it. Anyway, it's true.

I just hate men who think they
can have their cake and eat it, too.

As a matter of fact, I just
hate anyone who eats cake.

Suzanne, that's not the point.

Ansel Pollard is not
asking for our approval.

He just wants us to decorate
his house and his condominium,

and when you
get right down to it,

It's none of our business

what he does in
either one of them.

Julia, I can believe
that you are saying this.

I thought that you
would be all up and arms.

Well, I would be up and
arms if he were my husband.

But he's not my husband.

He's my client.

Up and arms. Julia,
are you kidding?

If Reese Watson even
thought of having a mistress,

the very least you would do

is blow up his car and burn
his apartment to the ground.

And there is no way
that you or Charlene

or Mary Jo either,
for that matter,

are going be able to be
objective about all this.

So, what do you think is
going to happen, Suzanne?

You think we're going to
start working on this project

and then get all upset

and then end up telling
the wife everything?

Yes, Mary Jo, I
think that can happen,

especially knowing Julia.

So I saw this TV movie once

where Lindsay Wagner
played a mistress,

and she was just darling.

Yeah, well I saw a movie where
Victoria Principal played one.

I just wanted to
knock her teeth out.

You know, they're always
called Bambi or Bibi or something,

and they are always running
around with these tiny sports cars

with hair down their waste

and lying around
like Cheshire Cats.

I mean, I just want to
say, "Hey, get a name.

Get a job. Get a life."

Are these your children?

Yes. That's Catherine.
She's in premed at Duke.

And that's Teddy and that's
Will and that's Ansel Junior.

Well, they're gorgeous,
every last one of them.

Well, thank you Mary Jo.

Anyway, I want to get
rid of this big king-size bed

and go to twins.

You know, it's just
so much practical.

Are you sure?

I mean, it's such a
nice size, you know.

Once you go to twins,
it's hard to go back.

I'm sorry, I'm not
sure what you mean.

Well, I think that...

I think what Charlene means

is that once you get used to
something, it's difficult to change.

That's it. That's right.

Excuse me, do you want
me to measure these windows

for shutters, too?

No, I want to leave
that one uncovered.

I just love the
light it lets in.

And anyway, there's only
one neighbor who can see in it,

and I doubt if watching me
get undressed every night

gives him that big of a thrill.

Well, I don't know
why you say that.

You're very attractive.

You certainly are
very, very attractive.

Well, thank you, Charlene.

And I'm sure most men
would give their eyeteeth

to look through that window.

Isn't that right, Anthony?

Well, yes, I'm sure
that they would.

But you seeing as
that's against the law,

I certainly would
not be one of them.

Anyway, I'm going to get
rid of this vanity over here

so that Ansel can have
room for his rowing machine.

I have a better suggestion.

Why don't you just leave
your vanity right where it is,

and if he wants to
row or something,

you just tell him
to go to a lake.

[door opens]

Mrs. Pollard, the florist
just delivered these.

Oh.

Please excuse me,
but today is my birthday.

Oh, happy birthday.

That's right. Make that
happy, happy birthday.

[door opens, closes]

"Happy birthday, Darling.

You're my one
only light of my life.

All my love, Ansel."

What a rat.

I have a feeling she knows.

Oh, I was hoping
we wouldn't like her.

Why did she have to be so nice.

This is about more
than I can stand.

Well, so much for
professional and uninvolved.

By the way, my name is Jeffrey.

If I can bring you anything,
please let me know.

The mistress will
be with you shortly.

He's certainly blunt.

Charlene, it's just a
manner of speaking.

Wouldn't you know it? Louise
just has a maid. Gaby has a butler.

- So chic.
- Who's Gaby?

Gaby Langford. That's her name.

I don't think having
a butler is so chic.

Anyway, I like Frances
a lot better than Jeffrey.

Who the hell is Frances?

Frances is Louise's maid.

Well, who's Louise?

Louise is the wife.

Anyway, I thought
Frances was real sweet.

Charlene, how do you know?
You didn't even talk to her.

- Well, I could just tell.
- No, you couldn't.

You just liked her because
she belonged to the wife,

and you're choosing sides
just like I said you would.

Suzanne, please be quiet.
No one is choosing sides.

We are just here to do a job,

and I don't care who
likes who the best,

or who's doing what to whom
without ever knowing about it.

All right?

Ooh, getting a little
testy, aren't we?

Oh, look at the card
on these flowers.

"To my Darling, my bright
shining light of my life, Ansel."

This guy ought to get a
job writing for George Bush

on his thousand
points of light theme.

He's got a real knack for it.

Well, I just can't believe she's
keeping us waiting so long.

I mean, I have better
things to do with my time

than sitting around waiting for
some concubine to fall off the bed.

You know, I mean I could be
home watching Green Acres.

- Suzanne.
- What?

I think it's time for you

to suck on some
more sugarless candy.

[Julia] Shh. Here she
comes. Here she comes.

Hello, I'm sorry to keep you
waiting, but I was reading.

Oh, well, that's all right.

I mean, if you have to
read, you have to read.

Yes. Now, what is it
again that you're here for?

Well, your friend, Mr. Pollard,
hired us. We're decorators.

I am Julia Sugarbaker
and this is Mary...

Oh, please, I'm terrible,
terrible with names.

Just leave your card with, um...

- Jeffrey.
- Yes, thank you. That's right.

Now, I assume, Ansel
has spoken to you

about what I have in mind.

Just a little Ms.
Langford, but I think...

Oh, please call me
Gaby. Everyone does.

All right, Gaby.

Well, that's an unusual name.

Did your parents
really name you that?

Well, yes, they did.

It's short for Gabrielle. Why?

No reason. I just thought maybe

Gabby Hayes was your
grandpa or something.

Anyway, as I was saying, Gaby,

Mr. Pollard has told us of your
mutual interest in Neo-classic.

Oh, yes. I'm a sculptress.

And I think the neo-style

might be the best possible
showcase for my work.

In fact, I may even have
you do everything in white.

Well, we'd have no
problem with that.

It takes a lot of courage to have
an all-white room, don't you think?

Well, I don't think that it
takes all that much courage.

I mean, not when you
compare it to, for example,

getting your brains
blown out in Vietnam.

[door opens]

Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't
find a place to park.

Here are the rest of
the fabric samples.

[Julia] Thanks, Anthony.

Well, hello. Who are you?

Hi. I'm Anthony Bouvier.

I'm just here to take your
measurements, so to speak.

[chuckles]

Well, I hope you won't find
this racist, but I just have to ask.

Wherever did you find this
incredibly big, black, beautiful buck?

Well, actually, he just came in

and filled out an application.

Yes, Anthony is just one
member of the Sugarbaker team,

and since we'll all be working
together, my name is Julia...

Oh, please, I'll never remember.

Just tell me more about Anthony.

[Julia] Well, I don't
know exactly what to say.

He's certainly been a
wonderful employee.

That's right, and he
also goes to college

and has very little
time for a social life.

- I would love to sculpt you.
- I beg your pardon?

- You know, do you in clay.
- Uh-huh.

Would you mind posing nude?

Yes, I would very much,
but thank you for asking.

Excuse me, but I think we've
gotten a little off track here.

You know, I would
kill to do your backside.

All right, that's it.
Look, Ms. Langford...

Please, call me Gaby.

No, I won't call you Gaby.

You haven't taken the time
to learn any of our names.

- Well, that's not so. I know Anthony.
- That's right, you do.

First, you kept us
waiting for 35 minutes,

and then, when you decided

you were bored enough
to come downstairs,

the only thing you've acted
the least bit interested in

is seducing our delivery man.

Seducing?

Well, if that's what
you think I was doing,

then obviously you haven't got
the artistic sensibility required

to work with me.

No, Ms. Langford.

What I don't have that's required
to work with you is patience.

- Julia...
- Because quite frankly,

I find you rude, lazy,
horny, and dumb.

Julia.

And now that we have
met Louise Pollard,

there isn't money
enough in any world

to make us redecorate
this condominium,

and so please
don't bother firing us.

We quit.

Who's Louise Pollard?

Like you don't know.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Taking a man away from
his wife and his four children.

Ansel is married?

Of course he's married.

I don't believe
you. You're lying.

Well, he spent the
morning with his wife.

Well, I can't believe it.

Well, he never told
me that, I swear.

I just thought he was
always away on business.

It can't be true.

This is like a nightmare.

I swear he never told me.

I didn't know. I didn't know.

Well, I guess she didn't know.

Suzanne, I know you're just
dying to say "I told you so,"

so just go ahead and do it before
you get a stroke or something.

Nope. I'm not going
to say anything.

I think everyone
knows I was right.

There's no point in gloating.

As a matter of fact,

I don't think I appreciate the way
she's talking about your backside.

Anyway, what's
so great about it?

I never noticed it before.

Suzanne, the point is

now we're going to have
to tell poor Louise Pollard

that we can't
decorate her house.

We're going to tell her
Ansel has a mistress?

Well, of course not,

but we were hired
to do both jobs

and I'm sure now he's not
going to want us to do anything.

- Well...
- Big black beautiful buck. Huh.

I was going to call the
NAACP and turn her name in.

I mean that's a racial
slur if I ever heard one.

And you ought to know.

Where to, ladies?

Louise Pollard's.

We might as well
get it over with.

If y'all don't mind,
can we hurry back?

I have to nurse Olivia.

Look, Charlene, I appreciate
what you're trying to do here,

but this is important.

I mean, we can't just be
going back all in five minutes

'cause you joined that La Liki
club. You know what I mean?

- Suzanne?
- What?

Suck candy.

And so, we just completely
overextended ourselves on other jobs.

We're just going
to have to pull back.

I'm afraid we weren't
being quite realistic.

He asked you to do
the condo, too, didn't he?

I beg your pardon?

I knew it. Everything he
does for me he does for her.

You mean, you know?

About Gaby? Of course.
I've known forever.

I just don't want
Ansel to know I know.

You mean, you don't mind?

No, I don't mind. Why?

Well, I think you are a little
bigger-hearted than we are.

- We, sort of, told her off.
- What did you say?

We got a real good

We told her she should
be ashamed of herself

because of you and
your beautiful kids.

Oh, my gosh. You
told her about us?

She didn't know.
She mentioned that.

I can't believe it.
This is incredible.

Now, she'll probably
throw Ansel out,

and then I'll have to
stop seeing Harlan.

Who's Harlan?

He's the man I'm
having an affair with.

But you seemed so upset when
you got the flowers this morning.

Yes, because they
weren't from Harlan.

Oh, I can't believe
it. This is a nightmare.

I'm beginning to think
that nobody appreciates us.

How could you do
something like this?

You have no right.

Do you know how
many years it takes

to set up an
arrangement like this?

Not really.

It's like a house of
cards. It is very fragile.

And then you come along

and in one short afternoon,
destroy everything.

Now there is nothing left.

We are all finished, ruined,
annihilated, and for what?

I knew he had a mistress.

I knew.

[door closes]

Well, I guess she knew.

Boy, what a day.

Olivia and I are
about to go home

and have our first
mother-daughter talk

about how she should
never, never, ever marry

a man who has a mistress.

You don't have to worry
about our little Livvie.

She's going to break
everybody's heart.

She's been real good today.

Tell me, does the name Roberta
Harwood mean anything to you?

Suzanne.

You don't have to
answer that, Mrs. Philpott.

Well, good night all.

Julia, you're awfully quiet.
Are you sure you're all right?

Yes, I'm just tired.

[Mary Jo] Good night.

Anthony, are you coming?
I need a ride home.

Yes, I am coming, Suzanne,

and just for the record,

that's Mr. Big Black
Beautiful Buck to you.

[ringing]

[Reese] Hello?

Hi, you busy?

Not if it's you. What's
going on, Sassy?

Nothing much.

I just called to tell you that
in this complicated world

where people lie
and cheat and steal

and can't find their
way home at night,

I'm very, very glad to have you.

Man, sounds like you
had an interesting day.

You want to tell me about it?

No, I don't feel like talking.

Sure would love
to see you, though.

Shall I bring dinner?

Mm-mm. I'm not hungry, either.

Let's just have
pancakes for breakfast.

[laughs] I'm on my way.

I'll be upstairs.