Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 12 - You Got to Have Friends - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Hmm.

You know, I think
I'm really improving.

Smells good. What is it?

Nouilles avec
fromage en casserole.

Oh, fancy.

Yeah, it's macaroni and cheese.

Just tastes better in French.

Would you like to have some?

No, I got to get out
of here in a minute.

I can't believe you found
time to take this cooking class.



I think I'm a real gourmet

when I cook microwave vegetables

and take them
out of the box first.

The class only
takes an hour a week,

and it's something I always
promised I'd do for myself.

I guess everybody's
interested in cooking these days.

I know every
new client I talk to

wants a big enormous kitchen

with double ovens
and a meat locker

and a gas downdraft cooktop

and a built-in rotisserie

like they're going to roast a
big cow on the spit in there.

Oh, I love cooking.
It's creative.

I once thought of becoming
a professional chef.



- Hey, y'all.
- Well, hi, Charlene.

We thought you'd
be over at the hospital

- having a checkup.
- Oh, yeah. I am.

I just wanted to bring by those
coupons you wanted, Mary Jo.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

Oh, I don't mind. I
like cutting up coupons.

The only problems is

it always leaves a big
hole in my newspaper.

There's always some
real fascinating story

on the other side, you know,

that I'll never know the end of.

Oh, like this one.

It says here that somewhere

a guy was stealing
cattle one by one

by putting them into
his Chevette hatchback.

Can you believe that?

Putting a cow in a Chevette?

I think it'd be easier to
put a Chevette in a cow.

Then again, I
guess that's one way

to get rid of that
new car smell.

I'll never know what
happened to all those cows.

Anyway, that's
50 cents off coffee.

That's pretty good.

Good luck with your
checkup, Charlene.

I'm sure it'll come out fine.

Oh, I know it will.
Thanks. See you tomorrow.

Bye-bye.

Mary Jo,

I know this is none
of my business,

and you don't have to say
a word if you don't want to,

but I'd like to ask you
a personal question.

Go ahead.

Are you having some
financial difficulties right now?

What makes you think that?

Well, there have
been little clues,

like your sudden
interest in these coupons,

and like when we bought
that antique silk wallpaper

for Anne Pringle's powder
room that costs $5,000

and you said, "$5,000?

"$5,000 for wallpaper?

Why don't we just cover
the wall with $20 bills?"

Well, it was outrageous.

And then lately you've been
bringing your lunch to work.

I didn't really notice that

until the day you brought
the Flintstones lunch box.

I ran out of paper bags.

Okay, money is a little tight.

I didn't want to say
anything about it,

but Ted's behind
in child support.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I mean, he's
been late before,

but now he's missed
two payments.

Well, have you called him?

Yeah, I called him

when the first payment
was a couple of weeks late,

and he said, "Oh,
it's in the mail."

And so I waited another
week, and I called him back,

and he was off
lecturing someplace, so...

Then, when the second
payment didn't come,

I thought, Well, he's in
some kind of financial trouble.

And I'm not a greedy person.
I mean, you know, I thought,

Well, if he has a problem,
we could just talk it out.

So I called again.

- What did he say?
- Nothing.

He was off in the Caribbean
on a medical convention,

and the office said they
didn't even have his number.

Mary Jo this is ridiculous.

I say we just call
a lawyer right now.

No. I don't want
to do it that way.

I mean, I've
already sent a letter,

and beyond that I'd
have to go to court,

and then it would just
get really ugly, and...

Frankly, Julia, I don't want
the kids to know about this.

You know how kids are.

They'll think that it has
something to do with them,

and then maybe they'll get

all sorts of conflicting
feelings about male authority,

and then Quint will start
wearing sun dresses,

and Claudia will marry a
biker and move to a trailer park.

Frankly, I just think

it's a whole lot
easier to clip coupons.

You know, Mary Jo,

I saw a piece on
television the other day

about all the men
in this country

who refuse to pay child support.

I mean, the figures are
absolutely outstanding...

Something like 5 million.

I cannot imagine bringing
a child into this world

and refusing to
feed or clothe it.

Hey, what's going on?

I finally got the shipment
from Luke and Clary Stern.

Oh, Anthony, there was a
telephone message for you.

Oh, thank you, Julia.

Would you please
read that to me?

I prefer not to.

Julia, I'm busy here.

For Pete's sake,
just read it, Julia.

Oh, well, it went
something like "Hi, baby.

"Do you miss me?

I'm still on fire."

And then there were
some kissing noises

which, if you don't mind,

I would prefer not to simulate.

Uh-huh.

Did they say who was calling?

You don't know?

I could narrow it
down to about three,

but after that I
get into trouble.

Well gee, your popularity

just sort of exploded overnight.

I know. I think it
has something to do

with that contractor's
license that I got.

You know, I just put my
card up on the bulletin board

in a couple of supermarkets
and laundromats,

and you would not believe
the calls that I've gotten.

Coming to find out

that there are whole lot of
single young women out there,

and most of them are looking
for somebody who's, uh, handy.

I take it your
business is booming?

Oh, you got that right.

At first, I was following
the strict policy

of not dating anybody
that I was working for.

I said business is business.

I said, "Anthony do not mix

your personal and
your professional life."

And then I said,
"Shoot, what the heck."

Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Bernice.
- Hi, Bernice.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

Goodbye to you, too.

- Bernice.
- Bernice.

- Bernice.
- What?

- Where are you going?
- I don't know.

Well, come on in here
and sit down for a minute.

You better tell us
exactly what's going on.

Is something wrong over
at the retirement village?

Oh, no. Everything's fine.

But I just started to
get a little stir crazy,

so I'm taking two
days of adventure.

Well, what exactly do you
do on two days of adventure?

I just get in the car and drive.

I stop at all the
roadside attractions

that I think might
be interesting,

especially the country western
museums and the reptile farms.

And then, when I
can't drive anymore,

I check into a hotel

where there's some
action in the lounge.

Basically, I'm just
kind of a rambling girl.

Bernice, do you
really think that's safe?

I think maybe you should consider
doing something right here in Atlanta.

Okay.

Then I'll stay with you.

What do you have planned?

Me?

Well, I have to work
a little, you know.

Now, Anthony and I are going

to take a couple
of Windsor chairs

over at Liddy Booms,

then we might
stop for a bite to eat,

and then tomorrow
there's a lecture

at the high museum
on Chinese porcelain,

then after that we'll probably
go see how Suzanne is doing.

Can you see her? I thought
her house was quarantined.

Well, it is, but they
might lift it tonight.

You know, she's a lot better.

The doctors just don't
want her to spread it around.

[Anthony] What does she got?

As nearly as they can determine,

Dutch Elm disease.

When did they come up with that?

Late yesterday afternoon.

I know it sounds crazy.

They have never seen a case
of it in a human being before.

They've only seen it in trees.

Oh, my.

Do you think Suzanne has
been hiding something from us?

Oh, my gosh, look at
the time. I've got to go.

Mary Jo, are you sure
everything is all right?

Oh, yeah. Have fun, Bernice.

You too, Julia.

Okay.

Now, Julia, let me
get this straight.

Your idea of two days of
adventure is delivering chairs,

listening to a guy
talking about teacups,

and visiting a woman
who might be a tree?

I suppose so.

Oh, honey, you've
got to get out more.

Now, this is more like
it... Dinner at Burger Guy.

We're out on the edge now.

If my cooking teacher knew
I ever set foot in this place,

she'd expel me from class.

Well, I don't know

why everybody's always
ragging on fast food.

If it's so bad, how
come everybody eats it?

I don't.

- Never?
- Never.

And I'm not going to start now.

Julia, you just have not been
exposed to this stuff enough.

I mean, fast food
is like great art.

The first time you see it,

you might say "What
the heck is that?"

But after a while, you
develop an appreciation.

Right, Anthony. Greasy
burgers and Picasso.

The parallel is so clear.

Okay. Okay.

I don't care what anyone says.

You are never
going to see a sign

outside one of
those fancy places

saying "Over 60 billion sold."

Wow. That drive-thru window
is some invention, isn't it?

They've reach new heights
in impersonal service.

You just stay in your car,

and they stick a greasy
paper bag through window.

Why even slow down?

Why not just drive
through it 60 miles an hour

and have them shoot the
food at you with a cannon?

Julia, if you would like
to go someplace else,

why don't you just say so?

No, no. It's quite all right.

Besides, you two
are the ones eating.

I'm not.

You know, I understand

if it gets really,
really quiet in here,

you can actually hear
everybody's arteries clogging.

Oh, now, you do not have
to ruin my dinner, Julia.

I'm sorry, Anthony.

I guess I'm just
worried about Mary Jo.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

I'm sure Mary Jo can handle
her own financial problems.

If she were really in
trouble, we'd know.

Hi.

Welcome to Burger Guy.

May I take your order?

Mary Jo, I'm sure
you can imagine

what I'm thinking right now,

but in case you can't,

let me just say this
is quite a surprise.

I'm sure you have
a good explanation,

and that in just a second
we'll all be laughing

at what a silly, unexpected
encounter this has been.

Excuse me. We've
got people out here.

We need fries. Fries up.

Can we talk about
this in a minute?

May I take your order, please?

Never mind. I
think I understand,

and I'd like to have your
ex-husband's head on a plate.

I thought you said
you weren't eating.

If you needed money, why
didn't you come right to us?

Well, it's not like this
was my first choice.

I applied everywhere.

Some retail store said
they can give me something

in three or four weeks,

but I don't have three
or four weeks anymore.

I shouldn't have done it,

but I put most of the kids'
money into savings bonds

that I can't touch for a year.

I was depending on those checks,

and that was a mistake

because now Ted's in
the Caribbean somewhere,

and I can't even talk to him.

You know, Mary Jo,
I have a few friends...

American expatriates,
you might say...

Who live in Jamaica.

I could make a few phone calls

and find somebody who
could counsel our man dear.

No, no, Anthony.

I'll just get a lawyer
right here in Atlanta.

Oh, no, I wasn't
thinking about a lawyer.

I was thinking about getting
a roving band of Rastafarians

to play steel drums
on his behind.

Mary Jo, you won't need
to work here anymore.

I'm going to write you out
a check to tide you over.

No. No, Julia...

Mary Jo, I have never understood

why people are too proud
to take money from friends.

They will accept the things
that are hardest to give.

Friends will take your time,

your tears, your
patience, and your love.

So why is it so hard
to take a few dollars?

Okay.

But we'll call it an
advance in salary.

Oh, Julia, that was
a beautiful speech.

You know, you
really have the ability

to make someone change
their views on a subject.

And now, as your friend,

I'd just like to say I'm
willing to accept $20.

You know, since
we're all so close

and sharing secrets
and everything,

I have a question.

Now, does this place require you

to ask "Do you
want fries with that?"

I mean, if a person
comes in and orders fries,

do you have to say "Do
you want fries with that?"

Julia, I thought I'd take
this by Suzanne's house.

You want to go?

I just talked to
her on the phone.

The quarantine's still on.

I'm afraid you can't go in yet.

What am I supposed
to do with this?

Hi, everybody.

What's this?

It's potpourri. It smells good.

Can potpourri go bad?

It smells good to me.

Smells like onions.

What a minute. That's not
potpourri. That's Burger Guy.

You still working at Burger Guy?

Mary Jo.

All right, I did the
breakfast shift.

Gee, I can't believe
you can still smell it.

I took a shower.

Mary Jo, what about that
advance on your salary?

I had to use all that
for the lawyer's retainer,

and that doesn't
even cover the fees.

It's going to cost me a small
fortune just to threaten Ted,

and that doesn't
even mean he'll pay.

Well, just remember, Mary Jo,

those Rastafarian work cheap.

Yeah, well, I hate
complaining about it.

I mean, I'm one
of the lucky ones.

You know, I'm not poor.

My lawyer tells me

that half the women who
are owed child support

don't get what they're owed,

and a quarter of them
don't get anything at all.

I mean, at least
I've got a lawyer.

If I didn't, I'd have
to go to the DA

and then it'd be
six or nine months

before they could
even get to me.

Mary Jo, I know
you have a problem,

and we're going
to find a solution,

but it's not Burger Guy.

So we're going to drive
you over there right now,

and we're going to wait
in the car while you quit.

Actually, I was thinking

about giving my
notice this afternoon.

Good.

Let's go.

What's going on down here?

Julia, I thought you
said you'd wake me up.

I'm sorry, Bernice.

After last night,

I had thought you
might need your rest.

I certainly do.

So what did you
all do last night?

Well, Julia and I went
miniature golfing and bowling,

and then I went to
some bars to meet men.

Then I knocked
down a vodka Collins.

I got home, and then I
threw up in the driveway.

So what's on the
agenda for today?

Nothing, Bernice.

The adventure's
coming to an end.

Right now we're on
our way to Burger Guy.

Well, for someone who
says she doesn't like that food,

you certainly spend
a lot of time there.

What are you
people trying to do,

eat enough burgers so you
can watch them change the sign?

How long does it take to quit?

It's been nearly half an hour.

Hey, lady, there's a line here.

Mary Jo, what are you
doing in that uniform?

They need me.

Usually, four people
work this lunch shift,

and two quit, and
two have the flu.

So I promised Mr. Hastings
that I would help him.

Mary Jo, you can't do the
lunch shift with just two people.

I know. You are
absolutely right.

I can't.

Oh, no.

I ain't wearing one of
those little funny hats.

Mary Jo, you're
not going to ask us

to do what you're
going to ask us to do.

Julia, sometimes
friends give things

that are very hard to
give... Love, patience, time.

You can at least give me
one lousy hour in a hairnet.

Calm down, Mary
Jo. I'll help. I'll help.

Oh, yes. Me, too.

But I want a new hairnet.

I don't want a used one.

I never put a hairnet on
unless I know where it's been.

Oh, I see.

Oh, now I'm the spoilsport.

If I don't put on that hat,

I'm the one who
wouldn't help out.

I'm the big snob, is that it?

That's about the
size of it, Julia.

Come on, Julia.
Just think of it.

You can finally be
a professional chef.

[Woman] What kind of fish is it?

Excuse me?

The fish sandwich,
what kind of fish is it?

It's sort of compressed.

Is it fresh?

Well, let me put it this way.

You're in a Burger Guy.

It's compressed fish
breaded and deep fried.

It costs 89 cents.
What do you think?

- I don't know.
- Yes, it's fresh.

Yo, can I take your order?

Bernice, Bernice, listen,

you don't have to yell
out the window at them.

Just use the microphone.

Oh, I can talk into this?

Oh, where does it come out?

Back there at the big menu.

Oh, this is great.

Calling all cars,
calling all cars...

Bernice, Bernice, let's
not get carried away.

How you doing, Anthony?

Oh, all right.

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ I'm as helpless ♪

♪ As a kitten up a tree ♪

Would you please tell Julia

not to take any
more special orders?

I cannot make one of
these things medium rare.

They come two ways...
Frozen and unfrozen.

Tell her she has two
choices... Well done or tartare.

Thank you so much.

Will there be anything else?

Check your oil? Look
under your hood?

Oh, that's just a little joke.

I'll get out of here,
you crazy fool.

Oh, this is fun.

Burgers up.

You know, you're doing a
real good job for a beginner.

You play your cards right,

there's a future for
you at Burger Guy.

- Oh, thank you, but...
- Oh, I'm not wolfing.

You could go all the way,
and you know what that means?

No, I don't.

Burger Guy University.

Oh, thank you.

A dream come true.

May I take your order, please?

Let me have two big burgers,

one chicken sandwich,
no mayonnaise,

two large fries, one
medium onion ring,

two apple pies, one
chocolate chip cookie,

two orange drinks,
and a cup of coffee.

Oh, and a steak
sandwich well done.

I just want to apologize
for calling you a snob.

I mean, you are
really great at this.

I mean, you're a natural.

Mary Jo, don't be ridiculous.

Anyone can see I
don't belong here.

I'm just doing the best I can.

Two bigs, one
chick, hold the mayo,

two large fry, one
ring, pie-pie, cook,

two orange, and a java,
and one steak, burn it.

Well, that was interesting.

I think I'm going
to take a shower

for about three days.

You know, Julia,
hanging out with you

sure beats the heck
out of that reptile farm.

Well, thank you, Bernice.

No, I'm serious, you all.

I think we should
pool our resources

and buy ourselves a franchise.

Mary Jo, you could
be the manager.

Oh, thank you, Bernice,

but I don't think that
that'll be necessary.

Ted came through.

[Julia] Oh, wonderful.

Yeah, he says that
his new accountant

must have mixed things up,

and I've got a payment in full

plus a little extra
for an apology.

Well, that was big
of him, I suppose.

- [Anthony] Not necessarily.
- What do you mean?

I mean, it's easy to be generous

when there are a
bunch of Rastafarians

banging out a tune on your head.

Well, however much he sent you,

it wasn't enough after
what you went through

working at Burger Guy.

You know, Julia,
I cannot believe

that after serving
those burgers yourself,

you are still such a
snob about fast food.

I mean, you wouldn't
even eat your lunch

after Mr. Hastings
gave that to us for free.

Mary Jo, I told you,
I do not eat this food.

I may sell it, but
I do not eat it.

And now I'm
going to get rid of it.

Well, you're a better
woman than I am.

I know that what
she says may be true

that all that food
is just salt and fat

and empty calories.

I'll tell you something.

Every once in a while, I
just get a hankering for it.

Don't you?

[Bernice] Well, I certainly do.

Sometimes I also get a hankering

to see a well-built
young Latino boy

without his shirt on.

Do you ever get that one?

- [Mary Jo] No.
- No.

Julia.

Did I see you take a bite
out of that hamburger?

Oh, you mean this?

I prefer not to call
it a hamburger.

I prefer to call it filet
de boeuf en sandwich.

Well, Julia?

[imitating Julia
Child] Bon apétit.