Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Proxy Pig and Great Pretenders - full transcript

♪♪

Charlene, I bet
you're daydreaming

about the baby, aren't you?

No, actually, I was thinking

about this Western
we watched last night.

It had about 50
covered wagons in it.

Took them three months
to get to California,

and not once did a single
child ask to go to the bathroom.

Well, I was close.

I mean, the only
reason we were watching

is because our cable went
out, and we only get two stations,



and the other one
was this documentary

about this real rare bird.

The announcer
said that every year,

two eggs are laid, but
only one reaches maturity,

and they never told what
happened to the other egg.

I hate it when they do that.

Hey, did Bill finally
get that swing set

put together that
Suzanne bought?

Yeah, but it just
about killed him.

He hasn't even started
on the merry-go-round.

I mean, Suzanne has
completely lost control.

I mean, every
day, it's a new gift.

I'm beginning to feel like
this is her baby, not ours.

Well, you know how Suzanne
gets obsessed about things.



Too bad Noelle ran away.

That used to take
up a lot of her time.

Yeah, well, I'm
going to find that pig

if I have to put her
picture on a milk carton.

I mean it, I've about had it.

And now she's given
me this, you know,

Name Your Baby Book.

I don't mean to
sound ungrateful, but,

you know, it just
kind of ruins it for me

when they tell you
what every name means.

I've always liked
the name Terrence.

But in here, it says it
means "watchful scavenger."

Well, I guess that
takes care of Terrence.

I mean, who wants a son
who's just sitting around

waiting for people
to put out their trash.

I don't care if you did
fill out an application.

I am not interested in being

a candy striper at the hospital.

Well, it would
certainly be a lot better

than sitting around
moping over a missing pig.

I was just going to come over
to the Hoffmans to meet you.

I know, but Suzanne
needed a ride over here,

since her car's in the garage.

She wants to pick up
that marble-top table

- I'm giving her.
- That's right.

And since I just live three
houses down from the Hoffmans,

it was no trouble
at all to pick me up.

Suzanne, I did not
say it was trouble.

I just said I was in the
middle of supervising painters,

and you could have
walked over to where I was.

That's right,
Julia, I could have.

But like I told you, I
do not enjoy walking.

Unless of course, I also
happen to be shopping.

Charlene, this is for you.

Oh, Suzanne, please.
No more baby clothes.

I mean, we're running
out of closet space.

Oh, it's not that much.

It's just some
stuff for the layette.

- What layette?
- The one I'm having delivered

this weekend. Now,
don't you worry.

I just got it on approval,
so if you don't like it,

we can just send it right back.

Oh, Suzanne, I appreciate
all the gifts, really I do.

I mean, we just love the Mother
Goose Book of the Month Club

and all the stuffed animals,

but really, it's just too much.

What do you mean?

Suzanne, she
means it's too much.

As usual, you're
going overboard.

Now, I know you have a lot
of love and attention to give,

but just because you
don't have your pig anymore

is no reason for you to make
Charlene's baby your pig.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not trying to
make anybody my pig.

I'm just being a
good friend, and...

And anyway, I love babies,
and I'm good with them,

so why shouldn't I help
Charlene raise hers.

Oh, my gosh. Now she's
going to help me raise it?

Suzanne, I don't want
to hurt your feelings

but you don't
know the first thing

about raising children.

Just for your
information, Julia,

I must be doing something right

because I am beloved by animals

and children everywhere,
and... and quite frankly,

I don't notice any
animals and children

beating any of your
doors down, so...

If you'll excuse me,

I'll just be going upstairs
now to check on my table.

Exactly what animals and
children are you referring to?

Just all kinds. I mean,
I'll have you know

that people bring their
dogs to my yard all the time.

And children are constantly
knocking on my door

asking for money, Godiva
Chocolates, old jewelry.

Sugarbakers. Yes, she is.

May I ask who's calling?
Belva McPherson?

Belva McPherson?
Are you kidding?

Are you sure?

I think so. Who is she?

Belva McPherson is the
richest, snottiest person

that I have ever
known in my whole life.

Why, she never even
spoke to me in high school,

why would she be calling me now?

I don't want to talk to
her. Tell her I'm not here.

Mary Jo, I've already
told her you're here.

I can't believe this.
I can't stand her.

Hi, Belva.

How are you? Well,
it has been, hasn't it?

Uh-huh. Oh, you're kiddin'.

Friday? What time?

Great.

Well, it will be
great to see you too.

Uh-huh, I'll look forward to it.

Bye. Can you believe that?

She's coming through Atlanta
and wants to have lunch with me.

What on earth did
this person do to you?

Well, for starters, she
stole every boyfriend

I ever had, or tried to.

Her daddy was the
richest man in town,

she was an only child.

At 16, she got a
blue GTO convertible.

Her Homecoming Queen gown
was designed by Edith Head.

For graduation, she got
a cruise around the world.

Edith Head?

She was a friend of
Belva's mother's in college.

Edith Head. That's
pretty big stuff.

I mean, she designed
for Lana Turner

and Rita Hayworth,
for Pete's sake.

Charlene, that's not the point.

I know that, but
it's interesting.

So if this Belva
person had so much,

what did she want
with your boyfriends?

Well, you know,
that was something

that I could never figure out.

I mean, it was almost like

she kind of enjoyed
kicking my teeth in.

I mean, you know, it
wasn't like my family

was poor or anything,

but she always
made me feel like that.

I mean, my family had a
Chevrolet station wagon,

and my Homecoming dress

came from Miss Kendra's
Teen and Tot shop,

and for graduation,
I got to take six girls

over to Howard
Johnson's for clams.

Never forget what
fun Belva made of that.

Well, she must be crazy.

They're known for their clams.

Okay, I'm going to go
down ahead of you, Anthony,

and you be careful.

Are you sure you
can handle that?

I can handle it, Suzanne,

if you just get out of my way.

Well, I am going as
fast as I can, Anthony.

I mean, after all, I am
wearing high heels,

and I am not a gymnast.

How much does that
table weigh anyway?

With this marble top,
about 200 pounds.

Oh, my gosh, will
you be careful?

And don't let it fall on me.

Now, Anthony, why are you
carrying that all by yourself?

You should have
asked for some help.

You're going to kill yourself.

I'll be okay, except for
having to walk on my knees.

Anthony, be careful.

Oh, my back! Look out!

Ow, ow.

Do you think you've
sprained something?

Uh-huh, my entire body.

Yes, well, he did pay
his health insurance.

I cannot believe you
would cancel someone

for paying one day late.

Tell me, did you by
chance used to work

at the Department
of Motor Vehicles?

I'm sorry, Anthony.

Looks like it's
going to take a while

to get this health insurance
thing straightened out.

Good, then it's all settled.
He's staying with me.

Oh, no, Suzanne. That's
way too much trouble.

Anthony, I told you,
it's no trouble at all.

I've got five huge guestrooms.
You can take your pick.

And Consuela will be
around when I'm not there,

and I'll get Dr. Kritchlow
in take a look at you,

and then there's
Orlando, my masseuse.

You just won't
believe his hands.

Well, I guess we
better be going.

I'll just ride up
front with you two

if that's all right,
and that way,

I can give you directions.

Bye-bye, Anthony.

Don't you worry,
we'll come visit.

Try to get some rest now.

Excuse me.

You know, I've never ridden
in an ambulance before

and I was just wondering,

do you think we could
turn that little red thing on?

Not the whole way,

but just as we're going
past the country club?

Well, you don't have to
worry anymore, Charlene.

What do you mean?

Looks like Suzanne's
got her new pig.

Anthony, I had Consuela
make you a filet mignon.

I thought it would
be a nice change

after all that Mexican and
Italian she fixed yesterday.

And here is your
special dessert.

Chocolate syrup
popsicle. I made it myself.

So how do you feel?

Like a big fat tick.

You just relax.

You remember what
Dr. Kritchlow said

about not moving
for at least a week.

Now, I'm just going to
cut up your steak for you,

and I want you to chew it
better than you did last night.

I don't want Consuela having
to do that Heimlich thing again.

I don't think that's
good for your back.

Listen, if you don't mind,

I'm just going to
turn the TV off.

It's just the news, and
I saw that yesterday.

Suzanne, if you don't mind,
if it's not too much trouble,

when you get a chance,

do you think you could
go by my apartment

and get some of my own pajamas.

Not that I don't appreciate
this smoking jacket.

Now, don't be silly.
You just look wonderful.

But actually, you
know, I was thinking

that when the yardman
gets here this afternoon,

he could help you change
into your new denim jumpsuit,

just for a change of pace.

Um-hmm.

Suzanne, do you think
I could use the phone?

Is it a toll call?

Of course you can use the phone.

But you know, you're
supposed to be resting

so I'll just make
the call for you.

Now, what's the number?

911.

911. You want information?

Now, Anthony,
that is just silly.

I mean, I could have Consuela
look a number up for you.

Never mind.

I just wanted to call
one of my neighbors

and have my papers stopped.

Oh, I had that done days ago.

You did?

Yes, of course.

Everybody thinks I am such
an airhead, when actually,

I'm a very organized
and responsible person.

I mean, that's why I make
these lists all the time.

I even used to make lists
for my dolls, you know,

like clothes inventory,
and the last time

they had their hair
combed and stuff like that.

Uh-huh.

In fact, I've been making
up a little list right here

of all the things for you to do

so you don't waste
any of your time

while you're down on your back.

Oh, Suzanne, you're
just doing way too much.

Don't be silly. I just love it.

You know, since
you're just lying there,

I should have my
manicurist come by

and give you a
manicure and a pedicure.

I bet you never
had one, have you?

No, I haven't.

And my facialist is coming
later on this afternoon.

We may as well just
have her exfoliate you.

What do you mean?

Oh, it's nothing.

She just takes all
your dead skin off.

You know, now that
I'm thinking about it,

since you're just
laid up like that,

we may as well just do
a complete makeover.

In fact, I'm going to get
my little book right now

and call Mr. Donny.

You know, have you ever thought

about having your hair put
into those African braids?

You know, like Stevie Wonder.

You wouldn't even
have to get up,

you could just lie there
while Mr. Donny does you,

and then, if it turns out good,

we could have your picture made.

Sugarbakers.

Anthony? Anthony.

Is that you?

Help me.

Well, with the new marble tile,

the garden room
looks incredible.

I bet the Hoffmans
won't even recognize it.

Charlene, I think
I'm going to go home

and change my clothes.

Why? You look darling.

I do not. I look
cheap and stupid,

and Belva's going to
be calling any minute,

and I hate this hat.

It looks like something
Neil Diamond wore

in that movie where
he was a cantor.

I'm not going. Julia was right.

I mean, why should
I go out to lunch

with somebody who always
tries to make me feel inadequate?

I mean, even after
15 years, I mean,

I don't owe her anything
except maybe a fat lip.

If you wanted to impress her,

it's too bad you
don't live here.

I mean, this is impressive.

Yeah, it is.

Hello.

Hi, Belva.

No, no, I was just
talking about you.

Did you just get in? Uh-huh.

Did she give you the number?

Did she tell you where I was?

Oh, she didn't.

Well, then I need to give
you my address, don't I?

Well, I'm at home now,
but I sure would like you

to come by and see my
house before we go out to lunch.

Uh-huh. It's 2933
Crestwood Drive,

right about half a
mile off Tuxedo Road,

right where you just came in.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, I'm looking
forward to seeing you too.

Bye, Belva.

Are you crazy?

I can't believe you did that.

I can't believe it, either.
What are we going to do?

Well, I don't know.

Well, okay, if she's
coming over here,

we better get rid of all these
family pictures for one thing.

Oh, right, right. Good point.

Now, listen. We can do this.

We just need to think
about this for a minute.

It's only for a couple of hours.

We can pull this off.

The trouble is
I'm a terrible liar,

and so are you.

You know how I just go on and on

trying to make it more
and more believable

until it's not
believable at all.

So the main thing is we
just have to keep it simple.

You just say that you are
a wealthy pregnant friend

who stopped by on
her way to Lamaze class

to wish me well
while I'm off to Madrid

to meet my lover
who is a handsome,

well-established
commercial architect.

Can't I just be your
next-door neighbor?

Well, your home is
just lovely, Mary Jo.

But I must say it's not
exactly what I expected.

I mean, it just doesn't
seem quite your taste.

Oh, really?

How exactly did
you picture my taste?

Oh, I don't know.
That's hard to say.

Maybe a little more scaled down.

Scaled down.
Isn't that hysterical?

Charlene, can you believe that?

I can't believe it.

I guess that's just because

you don't know
me very well, Belva.

I mean, if there's really
one thing that I'm not,

it's scaled down,
right, Charlene?

That's right.

You know, this
portrait of this woman

has been in six different rooms.

Is she a relative?

- No, she's not.
- Yes, she is.

On Ted's side.

Oh. It's just so huge.

I just can't believe you
don't have one of yourself.

Well, we have so many of her

I just didn't really
see the need.

We were very close. She died.

It wasn't a tragic death
or anything, you know,

just a regular one.

Still, it was a death.

These must be your children.

Yes, that's Claudia and Clint.

Now, their pictures
are so small.

Well, her children are small.

Well, I don't like to have
them photographed very much,

you know, kidnapping.

Well, I'm just starved. Why
don't we go have lunch?

Belva, it was real
nice to meet you.

Oh, thank you, Charlene.
It was nice meeting you too.

And you know, I am
having such a nice time

that I've just decided
to change my plans.

- Oh?
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, if it's all right
with you, Mary Jo,

since you have this
big wonderful house,

I'm just going to stay and
spend the night with you.

Oh, Julia.

I just can't thank you
enough for doing this for me.

How... how long
do you think it will be

before they reinstate
my insurance?

Well, Anthony, it
usually takes two weeks,

but I'm going to do
my best to speed it up.

Have you done
something new to your hair?

Oh.

This Mr. Donny
came over and fixed it.

He wanted to
braid it but I said no,

then he started crying.

I'm telling you, Julia, I don't
think I can make it two weeks.

You've got to get
me out of here.

Suzanne's got
people fixing my hair,

manicuring my nails.

The yard man dresses
me up in little outfits.

It's like I'm her Ken doll.

I'm going to have a talk
with her. Where is she?

Oh, she went out to
buy an electric keyboard

for my piano lessons.

Hey, come to think of it,

didn't she try to teach that
pig how to play the piano?

I'm sure she did, Anthony.

Suzanne gets obsessed with
whatever project is at hand.

Do you remember
Lee Sing, that little girl

she was just keeping
for a few days,

and then she ended up
trying to run off with her.

When she first got that
pig, it was just a pet.

Then she started dressing it up,

driving around with the
top down in the convertible.

Next thing I know,

that pig's name
is on the mailbox.

She goes too far.

Oh, listen.

If you can't get
me to a hospital,

just get me home.

No kidding, I'm exhausted.

I haven't slept in days,

and every night, I have to eat

these five-course theme
meals that go on for hours.

Theme meals?

Yeah, you know, like
from different countries,

and she won't let any of
my friends come to see me

because she says I have to rest.

Then, she keeps me up all night
showing me her beauty routine,

watching TV, looking
through her scrapbooks.

Last night, she
told me the story

of each one of
her separate tiaras.

Aw, this is worse
than being in prison.

It's like that movie

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

And I'm Jane.

I tell you, Julia. I
can't take anymore.

You've got help me.

I heard her talking to
her facialist on the phone,

and tonight, if you
don't do something,

they're going to exfoliate me.

So anyway, Dean and I used to

like to take the kids down to
our home in Puerto Vallarta,

but then, it just
got so touristy.

Oh, I know.

That's the main reason
I never built there.

Gosh, isn't it nice
to put our feet up,

get out of our clothes
and into our robes?

Yes, it sure is.

Well, shouldn't your
kids be home by now?

They're spending the
night with their dad.

Mary Jo, I just stopped by

to drop off the
shade for that lamp.

Oh, Julia, how sweet of you.

Belva, I want you to meet
my dear friend and decorator,

Julia Sugarbaker, you know,

the one I do sometimes
do a little consulting for.

Yes, we spoke on the phone.

How do you do?

Hello.

I sure wish that you could stay

and have a glass
of wine with us,

but I know how
terribly busy you are.

Mary Jo, I'm sorry.

Charlene, look who's here.

Julia, you remember
my next-door neighbor,

Charlene Stillfield.

Hello.

Hello, Charlene.

Gee, it's a shame
you have to go.

Now we have enough for bridge.

- Bridge?
- Well, yes.

I'm going to be spending
the night here with Mary Jo.

Oh, I see.

Mary Jo, do you think I
could have a word with you

and your next-door
neighbor in the kitchen?

You know, I have
a pretty good idea

of what's going on here,
so I'm not even going to ask.

I just want to say you
picked the right neighborhood

because Suzanne is
just three houses down,

and you're all three whacko.

Now, I don't want
to argue about it.

I don't even want to know
how you're going to do it.

I just want to say you have
30 minutes to figure out

why no one is spending the night

in this house. Got it?

Oh, my God! Who are you?

Don't be afraid. Please,
you've got to help me.

Are Julia, Charlene
or Mary Jo around?

They're in the kitchen.

Anthony.

Oh, my gosh, are you all right?

What happened?

Nothing.

I just hurled myself out
of bed down the steps,

and then I crawled
out the front gate.

Suzanne doesn't
know that I'm gone yet.

That facialist is over there.

I heard him talking
in the bathroom.

They're going to
inject me with collagen.

Please, you've got to help me.

Mr. and Mrs. Hoffman.

Oh, my goodness.

We didn't expect you
until late tomorrow.

Obviously. What
is going on here?

I'm deeply sorry.

Against a billion-to-one odds,
I seem to have three friends

who have all gone
insane at the same time.

Mary Jo, what are
you doing in my robe?

You're kidding. You
have one like this too?

I'm calling the police.

Oh, no. Please don't do that.

We can explain everything,
and your family pictures

are in the dirty clothes hamper.

I don't care what happens,
I'm not going back there.

Tonight is Austria night,

and Consuela is
cooking potato pancakes,

and Suzanne told the yardman
to dress me up in lederhosen.

No way, man.

I'm not going wear those things.

I can't take any more.

Please don't make
me go, I'm begging. Ow.

Forgive me. Where
are my manners?

Everyone, this
is a friend of ours

from down the street,
Anthony Bouvier.

The Hoffmans liked their
garden room so much

that they decided not to sue us.

Of course they're not
going to use us again, either.

What happened to your friend?

Oh, Belva, well, basically,

she's never
speaking to me again.

Yes, and since she was so nasty

and didn't have a
hotel reservation,

we decided to put her up
at Suzanne's for the night.

Well, I hope you gave
her the Baby Jane suite.

We did. She left about 6:00 a.m.

Suzanne had that
seance person over,

and they kept
Belva up all night,

trying to contact
dead rich people.

You know, Suzanne
has a whole life

that we don't even know about.

Where is she anyway?

Well, that's what we
wanted to tell you, Anthony.

I did finally get Suzanne
interested in another project,

but it may be a
little closer to home

than you would have liked.

What do you mean?

Hi, Anthony.
Isn't it incredible?

I signed up to be
a candy striper,

and they assigned
me to your floor.

Now we can be together
for the whole week.

Excuse me.