Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 22 - Julia Drives Over the First Amendment - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Here you go, Anthony.

- Got your zippy-up pills.
- Thank you, Charlene.

It's no problem. They have them

at that little newsstand
on the corner.

Anthony, are you sure
you ought to take those?

I mean, they got
to be bad for you.

Oh, no, Mary Jo.
They're just caffeine.

They're no more
harmful than, say,

nine, ten pots of coffee.

Oh. Well, then in that case.



I just got to get
through my exams.

Then I'll be finished.

I'll get straight A's, graduate,

grab my diploma,

and go on to be President
of the United States.

Whew!

Maybe I am getting
a little wired here.

Well, I for one am wondering
what our customers think

when they walk
through our front door

and the first thing they see
is the Sugarbaker deliveryman

sitting there in a
pile of school books

with his eyes rolling
back up in his head

from staying up all
night drinking coffee.

And I have to ask
a personal question,



but, Anthony, when was
the last time you showered?

Suzanne, that is a
personal question.

But for your information, I
showered just this morning.

I realize I may
appear a bit rumpled

because, what with
all the hustle and bustle

of studying for my exams
and working full-time,

I haven't had a chance to
do my laundry in a while.

When was the
last time you did it?

Let's see. When
was Bush elected?

Don't worry about
your clothes, Anthony.

You need to study, and you
can use my desk all you want.

Oh, thank you, Charlene.

And don't think that I
won't remember you

in my Valedictory
address when I graduate

with the highest
grade point average

in the history of
the entire school!

Ha ha!

You probably shouldn't take

any more of those pills, though.

That's probably a good idea.

Oh, Anthony, I'm sure glad
that I'm not in your shoes.

When I used to take exams,

I used to get so
nervous the night before.

You know, I mean, I would
have the most incredible dreams,

you know, like, that I would
show up in the classroom

just as everybody
was finishing their test,

and the professor would
say, "You're two hours late.

Sorry."

Or I would have this dream

where I'd get there
on time and everything,

but I'd look at the test,

and I wouldn't know
any of the answers.

I mean, I had studied
completely the wrong thing,

and then I would look down,

and I had forgotten to dress.

I was completely naked.

Here. Have some juice.

That does it. I'm not taking
any more of these pills.

Working with her is
stimulating enough.

Well, that's good, Anthony,
because I really don't want

to go out to that
newsstand anymore.

Why not?

Well, you know, when
they first put it up last week,

I thought, This is great.

It's going to be so close to us.

I can get my
magazines so easily.

You know how I like to keep up.

I just have this incredible
thirst for knowledge.

If Madonna or Cybill Shepherd's

having a fight with somebody,

I want to know.

That newsstand just has
so many dirty magazines.

Have you noticed? They
have a whole section.

Yeah. I noticed that.

I was down there yesterday

getting some of their
design magazines.

I got a copy of Southern
Homes and Antiques

and Carpets and Drapes Monthly,

and then I noticed this
other copy of something

that I had never seen
before called Jugs,

and I thought, Oh!

How nice... a new magazine
about pottery and porcelain.

Imagine my surprise.

Well, they put up a
great big poster now

to advertise one
of those magazines.

It's a girl in black
rubber underwear,

wearing a dog collar
and chains or something.

Frankly, I don't
want to have to look

at a girl wearing
black rubber underwear

first thing in the morning.

Unless, of course, it is Madonna

and there's an important
news story attached.

Oh, that's nothing, Mary Jo.

There's even a
magazine called Stump

about women amputees
with no clothes on.

Oh, great. Well,
I'm telling you,

we're never going to
hear the end of this one.

Every time Julia enters
or leaves this house,

she's going to see that picture,

and she's going to be ranting,
and she's going to be raving.

She's going to be carrying
on like some kind of hyena,

and we're all going to
have to pretend like we care.

Well, you know, Suzanne,

Julia feels very deeply about
the issue of pornography,

and if she has a statement
about something that she sees,

then you can bet

that it's going to be
rational and intelligent.

[brakes screech, crash]

Yes, that's Julia Sugarbaker.

S-U-G-A-R-B-A-K-E-R.

Julia, what happened?

What happened is
very simple, Charlene.

I saw their little poster.
I knocked it down.

There is no longer a problem.

You've got a problem, lady.

I don't think so.

I think that I am a member

of the majority of
the American public

who knows this kind
of filthy enterprise exists

but doesn't care to have
it pushed in my own face

on my own street,
thank you very much.

I told you it was
only a matter of time

before something
like this happened.

One minute she's making

a rational,
intelligent argument,

the next minute she's
driving up on the sidewalk.

You know, Julia, you
shouldn't have done that.

There is nothing wrong
with that poster, lady.

Where do you get off
deciding it's coming down?

I realize that different people

have different definitions
of what is obscene.

I myself may not be able
to define pornography,

but I know it
when I run over it.

Well, all told,

the damages and
the fine come to $604.

It was worth it.

Yeah, but, Julia,

if you knock it down every day,

that's going to come
to over $3,000 a week.

Now... Now, I don't mean
to criticize you, you know,

but that is going
to look kind of weird

on the quarterly
report, you know.

$3,000 a week for
driving into newsstands.

For that kind of money,

you could go out and buy
yourself a real nice outfit.

What would be the point of that?

Well, whenever I see
something that makes me mad,

that's what I do.

I find it's just
about impossible

to be too mad about injustice

if I know I look really good.

You know what
really infuriates me?

That man at the
newsstand kept talking

about how that
poster is protected

by the First Amendment
right of free speech.

That is an argument

that's wearing a
little thin with me.

I believe in the First Amendment

as much as anybody else,

but I also know that
when our forefathers

were fighting and
dying at Valley Forge,

they were not really doing it

to protect a publication
called Hot Tushies.

You know, isn't it amazing

how specific these
magazines are?

I mean, there is
something for everybody.

There's one out there,
you know, all about feet.

I mean, can you believe that?

I've never seen
anything like it in my life.

If a person liked that,

they could just get
a Kinney's catalogue

and have a real good time.

I mean, it's like, you know,

girls who eat chicken, you know?

Girls with big ones who
think Oswald acted alone.

Charlene, what I
was trying to say is

that every sleazy
rag in the country

hides behind the
First Amendment,

and I am sick and tired of it.

Maybe I shouldn't have
knocked down that sign,

but now that newsstand owner
knows that I mean business,

and I doubt he'll
put it back up again.

It was certainly an
expensive proposition for me,

but he can't afford to close
that stand every day, either.

So that's that.

Well, I hate to say this, Julia,

and you know that
I hate that poster

just as much as you do,

but what you're talking
about is censorship.

Do you honestly believe

that anyone has a
Constitutional right

to show a poster of a
woman being degraded,

chained up with a dog
collar, and whipped?

You couldn't show a
black man depicted that way

because it would be
considered insiditory speech.

So why would we demand
any less for women?

[studio audience
members] All right.

[applause]

The First Amendment was designed

to protect political speech,
and everybody knows it.

Now we've already wasted
a day on this silliness,

and I don't want to
discuss it anymore.

So what's been going
on while I was gone?

Not much.

You know, Anthony's
been studying for his exams.

Yeah. How's that going, Anthony?

Pretty good.

Anthony, what's
wrong with your eyes?

[whispering] Too much caffeine.

He's starting to look
like Nancy Reagan.

[Charlene] Suzanne!

Well, I'm sorry, but I went all
the way through college myself,

and never once did I
have to use stimulants.

I managed to keep
up with my courses

and a very active social life,

and let me tell you,

those were six and a half

of the best years of my life.

Did you mean what
you said yesterday

about Julia
supporting censorship?

Well, I know she doesn't agree,

but it doesn't sit right
with me somehow.

It's like a couple of months ago

when that book came out

and the Ayatollah Khomeini said

the guy who wrote
it should be killed,

and then Cat Stevens came
out and sided with the Ayatollah

so the radio station
started burning his records.

I mean, like, nobody noticed
how incredibly weird that was.

They were protesting censorship

by burning records.

I mean, that's like
protesting capital punishment

by lynching
anybody who's for it.

[brakes screech, crash]

That's Julia Sugarbaker.

S-U-G-A-R-B-A-K-E-R.

Yes. It rings a bell.

Julia, the next time
that I'm riding with you

and you decide to
create a drive-thru window

where there was not one before,

would you please
give me a little warning?

I'm under a lot of
pressure these days.

I just can't take it.

I'm sorry, Anthony,

but I warned you if you
put that poster back up,

I would knock it down again.

Nice shot, Julia. Your
aim's getting better.

Thank you.

Now I'm prepared
to write you a check

for damages in full.

- How much was that amount?
- $10 million.

I beg your pardon?

I knew you'd be back.

Here's a letter from my lawyer.

We're suing you for $10 million

for violating my civil rights.

Julia, about that check.

You'd better post-date it.

Just sign this. It's
only an apology

and a promise that
you won't do it again,

and... and they will back off.

Julia, please.

Mary Jo, I've already
seen this paper.

Kirby Riffle from Reese's office

has already been
down here today,

and I told him I
wasn't interested.

Julia, need I repeat

that the judge is
not happy with you?

He seems to think

that by committing
the same crime

twice in two days
that you show signs

of insufficient rehabilitation.

Judges hate that.

Mary Jo, I'm not interested
in signing that paper.

I know that what
I did was illegal.

I consider it an act
of civil disobedience.

You know, Julia,
there are other ways

to deal with you
expressing your problem

with this newsstand, you know?

I know that. I've
considered some other ways.

I've even considered

just simply going
over there every day

and standing by the
dirty magazine section

and then, when
somebody browses through,

I'd day, real loud,

"Oh. Looking at Guns and
Buns magazine, are you?

Or is it Honkers on Parade?"

That's another one
I saw over there.

"And just how do you
find this month's Honkers,

Mr. Filthy Magazine Aficionado?"

I think it's Hooters.

Mary Jo, I don't
care what it is.

That's not the point.

You know, Julia, I
hate to be a drag,

but it seems to me
that you're showing

absolutely no signs of remorse.

And if you keep this up,

you could be headed
for bankruptcy,

prison.

Well, fine.

I can't think of a better
cause to go out on.

Mary Jo's not back
from the jail yet?

No, and I bet Julia's
being stubborn.

Well, you'd win that bet.

I swear, when Julia gets
her teeth into something,

she just will not let go.

You know, she was
always stubborn,

even when she was a little girl.

Julia just would not go to bed.

I mean, they'd put her down,

and two minutes later,

she's come toddling
into the parlor

in her little footie pajamas.

I mean, this happened
about three, four times,

and then Daddy, he paddled her,

and he paddled her good.

Of course, Julia wouldn't cry.

She just stood there

holding her little
bottom with both hands,

going... [panting]

Stubborn.

Then, of course,
Daddy said to Mother

he thought Julia could stay up

as late as she
wanted to after all.

What did you do?

Charlene, I wasn't
even born yet.

But I always did
whatever they wanted.

All they had to do was pay me.

Yeah, well, if Julia
is stubborn this time,

she's going to have
to hold her little bottom

$10 million's worth.

That can hurt pretty bad.

[chuckle] When you think of it,

it's kind of ironic, isn't it?

What?

Well, with all the mention

that's made of my
unfortunate incarceration,

the four of you spend
an awful lot of time

down at the police station.

It's just a thought.

You know, I'm getting
kind of worried about this.

I mean, I really think

that Julia has just
gone too far this time.

Maybe we should just go down

to that man-about-town magazine

and talk to the
head guy about town.

You know, we'll just tell him

we're just as
sorry as we can be,

but my sister
just gets all het up

about injustice and stuff,

and she can't help it.

You know, we'll just
kind of beg for mercy.

Oh, I don't know, Suzanne.

I'm not all that big on begging.

Yes.

And there's a reason for that.

It's becoming a lost art.

People just have too much pride.

Now, I say a little begging
never hurt anybody.

I mean, all of my
ex-husbands did it.

Let me tell you something.

A little crying,
a little begging,

it touches me.

And I never let
it go unrewarded.

Unless, of course, it would
involve messing up my hair.

Now remember, when
Terry Wilder gets here,

- I'll do the talking.
- How come?

Charlene, the man
publishes a porno magazine.

He's going to be susceptible
to an incredibly sexy woman,

and I'm going to give it
to him with both barrels.

Excuse me. My secretary
seems to have stepped out.

Is there something
I can do for you?

We're just waiting
for Terry Wilder.

I'm Terry Wilder.

- She's Terry Wilder.
- I know. I heard.

Hello.

Uh, we're here about my
sister, Julia Sugarbaker.

I'm sorry.

[Charlene] The
woman you're suing.

Oh, yes, the woman
who's tried to halt

distribution of my magazine

through violent and
illegal terrorist tactics.

You don't have to
get so huffy about it.

[whispering] Tell
her we're sorry.

Charlene, I'm going to
do this my way, okay?

Well, I'll just make
this short and sweet.

You know, I was going
to come down here

to apologize to you,

but the fact that
you are a woman

makes me madder than ever.

But, just for the record,

my sister does not
like looking at women

all chained up and wearing
underwear made by Good Year.

It irritates her.

It probably also irritates

the woman who is wearing it,

but that's beside the point.

What I'm telling you is

that's no reason to sue her.

Whatever your sister's
objections to my magazine are...

Oh, and by the
way, has she read it?

Oh, sure. We got her a
subscription for her birthday.

Of course she hasn't read it.

Of course not.

Well, forgive me,

but I find it
intellectually incredible

that some people
want to censor things

they've never read.

Well, forgive me,

but I find it
intellectually incredible

that you even bother

to publish any reading
material in there.

I mean, let's face it, honey.

You could publish the
private diaries of Dan Quayle,

and nobody's going to read it.

Look, I don't think it's
going to be productive for us

to argue the merits
of my magazine.

Obviously, you
think it has none.

Other people disagree.

But that's not what
this case is about.

It's about our freedom
to print what we want

and to distribute it freely.

Now, I understand

your sister's feminist
sensibilities were offended.

My sensibilities are offended
by The National Enquirer.

Now, supposed I
made it impossible

for The Enquirer to be sold.

[gasp]

Well, you hit
home with that one.

You're pretty smart.
I'll give you that.

I'm also a feminist.

As a matter of fact,

my magazine is
a large contributor

to the National
Organization for Women.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I give to the
Humane Society,

but that doesn't make me a cat.

- Good one.
- Thank you.

Uh, Miss Wilder... Ms.

Now, we know that Julia

probably shouldn't have
knocked down your sign,

and we could tell
you she's sorry,

but she's not,

and we could tell you
that she won't do it again,

- but chances are she will.
- Charlene.

- What?
- Whatever you're
going for here,

it better be good.

Now, you keep talking
about freedom of speech.

Well, what about Julia's
freedom of speech?

I mean, she hasn't
really had a chance

to say anything
about all of this.

Maybe that's why
she got so frustrated

that she had to, you know,
mow down your poster.

But, I mean, don't you think
she deserves to be heard?

I'll think about it.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

There's just one other thing.

Yes?

Well, I just think
you should know

that I have been backstage

at the Miss America pageant,

and I have seen some

of the most beautiful
young women in this country

wearing nothing but
high heels and hot rollers,

so I am not shocked by
seeing someone butt-naked.

That's good.

But I was just wondering,

if you think it's so
peachy-keen, honey,

how come we don't see you

airbrushed and
spread-eagled in a centerfold?

Just asking.

Ms. Sugarbaker,
I'm Terry Wilder.

Yes, they told me you
wanted to speak with me.

I've decided to
drop the lawsuit.

Yes, they told me that, too.

I had you checked out.

You're a very tough
lady, and I like that.

You made a mistake,

but I figure you've
been punished enough.

I see. So you're graciously
going to set me free.

Just so you know,
Ms. Sugarbaker,

this is still America,

and free speech will always
be protected in this country.

I know it will,

but pornography won't
always be, Miss Wilder.

This country will
let the Nazis speak,

and we will let the Ku
Klux Klansmen speak,

because as despicable
as their statements are,

they are speaking their mind.

But when you
publish your magazine,

you're not speaking your mind.

You'd shut that
magazine down tomorrow

if it weren't turning a profit.

You know it, and I know it.

Pornography is not free speech.

It's commerce.

Otherwise, you
couldn't zone it out

to certain nice
areas of the city.

Well, I see we're
getting nowhere.

We're both businesswomen.

Let's just leave it at that.

I won't bother you, and
you won't bother me.

No, that's not quite
right, Miss Wilder.

You bother me very much.

I know I can be sanctimonious
and self-righteous,

but nevertheless
I've just got to say it.

Shame on you for
calling yourself a feminist.

And shame on you for demeaning
and hurting women everywhere

all for a lousy nickel.

I may not be able
to stop you today,

but some day we're
going to zone you

right out of the city.

And then we're going to zone you

right out of the county,

and then we're going to zone you

right out of the country.

And in fact, Miss
Wilder, if I had my way,

we might just zone
you right off the globe.

[studio audience
members] All right!

[applause]

Yeah, listen, when
Julia gets here,

don't anybody say
anything about the lawsuit.

Why not? It's
over with, isn't it?

Yes, it is, but I don't think

that she's going
to be too happy.

I think it's going
to be pretty hard

for her to drive by
that corner every day.

They put that poster back
up, and this one's even worse.

I know, but at least she's
not being sued anymore.

At least that's something.

I wonder what made Terry
Wilder change her mind.

No.

You two?

That's right. You see?

You think we don't do anything
when y'all aren't around.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

I notice my M&M drawer is empty.

You know, I personally
can't understand

one thing about all this.

You know, they can't make
any rules for pornography

because they can't
define what it is.

Yes, that's the reasoning.

Well, then, how come

the guy down at the
Kitten Kat Theater

know exactly which
movies to show?

It's not like he suddenly
gets all confused

and starts showing Gandhi.

I mean, he knows
what pornography is.

And the guy down at
the Triple-X Bookstore,

he knows just what to stock.

He knows what pornography is.

So if there's anybody out there

who can't figure it out,

why don't they talk
to those two guys?

The truth is there are
only nine people in America

who don't know
what pornography is.

The problem is they're
all on the Supreme Court.

I wonder why
Julia isn't home yet.

All she had to do
was sign a few papers.

I don't know. I
wonder where she is.

Oh, she's probably
taking her time.

I know Julia, and
if there's one thing

she hates more than
losing, it's giving up.

And this time she
had to give up.

She had to face the fact that
the world was not going to change

just because she wants it to,

- and that's that.
- [brakes screech, crash]

That's Julia Sugarbaker.

S-U-G-A-R-B-A-K-E-R.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA