Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Last Humorously-Dressed Bellboy in America - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

I just cannot believe

I got this stupid
traffic ticket.

What did you get a ticket for?

Driving in a reckless manner

by having all the
mirrors in my vehicle

turned towards myself.

Suzanne, pardon
me for asking this,

but don't you ever get
tired of looking at yourself?

I can answer that. No.

She's been
doing it all her life.



Even when she was a baby,

she used to scream and
cry and turn red in the face

until Mother finally noticed

how she gazed
lovingly at herself

in plate glass windows,

so she hit upon the notion

of tying a little
mirror over her crib.

After that, we never
heard a peep out of her.

- Suzanne, what's wrong?
- Nothing.

I guess I'm just
a little depressed.

I went out with Eli
Cunningham last night

and his bossy nurse who
made me try to get the veal cutlet

just because it was a special.

I thought to myself,



Is this what my
life has come to?

Arguing with old men's
nurses over the price of dinner?

Suzanne, you just get
this way every spring.

All you need's a change.

You ought to just
get out of town.

Why? It's just like here.

It's been my experience, Julia,

that no matter where
you go, there you are.

You know, she has a point.

If you need me, I'll be outside.

Hi.

[Julia] Well, how was
the old Miramar Hotel?

Oh, even worse
than you can imagine.

Talk about faded glory.

That Mr. Fladbeau doesn't want

to spend anything
on refurbishing,

so we told him
we couldn't do it.

Yeah. After we gave
him the estimate,

He about had a heart attack.

Then he spent the
rest of the morning

bragging about how his
pants only cost him $8.98.

"And they are as good today

"as they were when I wore them

to greet Mamie
Eisenhower in 1951."

They were so shiny,

I bet Mamie could
see herself in them.

Really? What kind
of fabric was that?

It doesn't matter. Anyway,

we have lots better
news than that.

But we don't want you
to get your hopes up

because we might be wrong.

About what?

Remember your tax
accountant Reggie Mac Dawson

ran off with all your money?

Yes, Charlene, I remember him.

Well, we think he may
be working at the Miramar

- as a bellman.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.

If he were in Atlanta,
the police would know.

Anyway, y'all have
never seen him.

How'd you know
even if it was him?

We don't. That's
why we want Suzanne

to go over there
and have a look,

but he sure does
look like his picture.

That doesn't make any sense.

If he has all my money,

what's he doing
working as a bellman?

We don't know, Suzanne.
Maybe he spent your money.

Anyway, he's not just a bellman.

He also doubles as a
singer in the piano bar.

- Could Reggie Mac sing?
- No.

Well, neither can this guy.

♪♪ [piano]

♪ Left a big job in the city ♪

♪ Workin' for the man
every night and day ♪

♪ And I never lost
one minute of sleep ♪

♪ In worryin' about the
way it might have been ♪

♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪

♪ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ♪

I can't believe it. It's him.

- [Charlene] Are you sure?
- Yes.

- ♪ Rollin' on the river ♪
- What if he sees us?

What if he's dangerous?

He's not dangerous. I'm
the one who's dangerous.

- I'm going to kill him.
- ♪ Rollin', whew ♪

Let's just sit down.

♪ Rollin' on a river ♪

- May I take your order?
- Four club sodas, please.

Oh, I'd like a little
umbrella in mine.

Can you tell me how long

that gentleman playing the
piano has been working here?

I don't know. He was
here when I started.

- And when was that?
- This morning,

but I'm quitting as soon as
my husband picks me up at 5.

I mean, I want to work,

but not bad enough
to listen to this.

What's his name?

Bobby Bojangles.

Thank you. Thank
you so very much.

You may be asking yourself
why I'm wearing this costume.

Well, the answer is I
wear two hats around here.

I'm also the hotel bellman.

In fact, except for
Mr. Dave Collins over there,

I am probably the
last bellman in America

that dresses like the
old Philip Morris boy.

Remember him? But
on the more serious side,

and we all have one, don't we?

I'd like to do a very
special number.

In fact, it was my
signature song

I used on the recently
completed world tour

before Iranian customs officials

confiscated so many of
my wonderful costumes.

If you'll listen closely,

I think you'll notice
that I'm singing

with just a little bit of
that zesty black dialect

so indigenous not
only to rock 'n' roll

but to many of our
native Georgians.

[monotone] ♪ Oh, the shark has ♪

♪ Pretty teeth, dear ♪

♪ And he shows
them pearly white ♪

You know what I'm going to do?

Scare the pants off of him.

I'm going to walk up there
and request something.

What are you going to request?

I don't know, Charlene.
That's not the point.

I'll request "Limestone
Cowboy," okay?

It's "Rhinestone
Cowboy," Suzanne.

♪ I never knew
that I could care ♪

♪ The way I've cared... ♪

Hello, Reggie Mac.

Suzanne. Oh, my
gosh. I can't believe it.

I didn't want you
to see me like this.

I'll bet.

I want my money.

Of course you want your
money, and who could blame you?

I wouldn't blame you
if you just hated me.

I do hate you. Now where is it?

Ladies and gentlemen,
a very special song

for a very special old friend.

♪ She was 41, and her
daddy still called her baby ♪

♪ Delta Dawn, what's
that flower you... ♪

Do you know what you did?

You made off with
my entire life savings.

Suzanne, I don't want you to
think I'm giving you the runaround,

but Mr. Fladbeau gets very upset

if I cut my gig short.

Your gig is not the only
thing going to get cut short

if you don't tell me
where my money is.

Suzanne, I don't think

we have to argue
over something like this.

We'll just call the police.

I've got to go to
Mr. Fladbeau's office

and ask if I can
take my break now.

Can't you just take it?

I only get one a week.

Don't worry about Mr. Fladbeau.

You're not leaving this room.

Mr. Fladbeau! This is
Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Reggie Mac's
taking his break now.

Thank you.

Well, it's just been a
nightmare around here.

People laugh and talk

and throw their
little fruit things

out of their drink at me.

Last week a man slammed
this piano down on my hand

because he said I
screwed up "Danny Boy."

Well, there's a certain
part I like to do a capella.

- Reggie Mac.
- Yeah?

I don't care who slammed
the piano on your hands,

and I don't care who
threw fruit in your face.

All I care about is I want
my money, and I want it now.

Whoo! Strong. I like that.

Ohh!

After I left Bermuda,
I went to Biminy

and right away fell in
with the wrong people.

And after three days, I woke up

in a very inexpensive
motel room with a Nigerian.

And the worst part is

I don't know who that
Nigerian was or how I got there,

except the maid
said that I drank

past the pencil mark
on his liquor bottle,

and he went crazy
and tore up the room.

You know, the police don't
tell you anything anymore.

You mean the police
actually had you in custody?

Well, yes. But not as
Reggie Mac Dawson.

During that period, I was going
by the name of Ron Reagan Junior.

You see, if my parents
had been normal,

none of this would
have happened.

I mean, to give you some idea,

my father drove a hearse,

and we weren't even
in the funeral business.

And my mother has been
on two Darvex tranquilizers

every day since 1959.

That was the year the
school nurse called her

and told her I might be having
gender identification problems.

[Charlene] You ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

You know what she's
been doing because of you?

Clipping coupons,
selling underwear,

and gambling in Atlantic City.

Anthony, maybe you should
take Mr. Dawson outside

and just have a
little talk with him.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Rough him up a little?

Yeah. Maybe I should do that.

Ooh! And who might
you be, young man?

I'm Anthony Bouvier,
I'm out on parole,

and I hate accountants.

[Julia] Suzanne, this is
just a big waste of time.

I think we should
call the police.

If I call the police

before he tells me
where my money is,

I'll never get it back.

- How do you know?
- I don't.

I just think he'll come
closer to telling me than them.

In fact, I'm going
to try a new tack.

You seem awfully nice.

Maybe I could do your taxes.

You know, Reggie Mac,

I was real hurt by what you did.

I thought you cared about me.

That's what hurt most of all.

Suzanne, you know
I care about you.

Why, in the last 15 years,

I never missed one of
your beauty pageants,

not even Miss Georgia
Roll Electric Co-op,

and nobody came to that one.

I mean, there's nobody
in the whole world like you.

Why do you think I wanted
to invest your money for you?

So you stole it so
you could invest it?

Well, not at first.

At first I got into a
$1,500 financial dispute

with two guys named
Vincent and Roy

who said they might
have to disembowel me.

Evidently, they
didn't want to bother

with small claims court.

Anyway, after I paid them

and you didn't miss the cash,

I just sort of got in
deeper and deeper,

and finally I had
to skip the country,

but it was a
meaningless existence,

going from one
Club Med to the next.

Okay.

You gave $1,500
to Vincent and Roy.

Then you spent some
more at Club Med.

Now, in 25 words or less, and
I am not kidding, then what?

Then I started to feel
bad about Suzanne,

and I wanted to do
something to make it up to her.

And suddenly I realized.

For once in my life,

I had the money to buy
her anything I wanted.

Yes, but it was my money.

Exactly, and that's why
I came back to Atlanta.

It took me all this time

just to find the
right investment.

I wanted her to have
something fun and pizazzy,

something to do
with show business.

Show business?

Don't you just love it?

Now you can put on that
long white gown again,

put on your tiara,

and hop in your little coach

and be pulled around by
eight high-stepping ponies

as Queen of the Big Top.

- Queen of the Big Top?
- That's right.

I bought you a circus.

Suzanne, I know
you must feel badly

about turning Reggie
Mac over to the police,

but I think you
did the right thing.

I don't feel badly. I
hope he rots in jail.

I hate the circus.

I felt a little bad

the way he kept crying
and hanging on to my leg.

What am I going
to do with a circus?

Suzanne, just be glad

you're getting out
of this with anything,

providing he does have
a deed of ownership.

Oh, he'll have it, all right.

It's just goofy enough to
be something he would do.

Well, then all we
have to do is sell it.

But in the meantime,
if I own this circus,

then I have to take care of it.

You know, protect my investment.

Where did he say
it's coming from?

Athens?

Athens, Greece?

No, Suzanne. Athens, Georgia.

If it was Greece,

how do you think it
would be here tomorrow?

Well, I don't know, Mary Jo.

I'm sorry. I did not major
in geography, okay?

All I know is it all
started this morning

when I got that damn ticket.

I said to myself at the time,

I said, "Suzanne,

it's going to be a
real donkey day,"

and now look what's happened.

There's a circus coming to town

that's got my name on it.

Oh, Anthony, are those the
books on the circus for Suzanne?

Yeah. You know,
I kind of enjoyed

looking through them myself.

To tell the truth, I've
never been to the circus.

Not even when you were a kid?

No, no. The circus never
came to my neighborhood.

We had this guy who
used to come through

with a bunch of old burros

that you could
ride for a nickel.

And then, for a dime,

you got to look at a naked
lady through a peep hole

or a two-headed monkey
in a big jar of formaldehyde.

Oh, Anthony, that sounds awful.

I know. It's hard to believe

I spent my money on that monkey.

It's amazing what appeals to you

when you're a kid.

I remember we had
the 800-pound man

who came to Franklin.

I'll never forget it.

They had him in an old trailer

in the parking lot of
the Big Star Superette,

and my mother gave
me a dollar to see him

while she did her
grocery shopping.

I was so excited.

I went in there,
and there he was,

sitting in an old Sears
T-shirt and swimming trunks

on this worn-out sofa

behind this...
This old gold rope,

with all these hills of
fat just cascading at me,

and I looked at him,
and he looked at me,

and I have never been so
embarrassed in my whole life.

What did you do?

I just said, "Hi. How are you?"

And he said, "Fine.
How are you?"

And I said, "I'm
just fine, thank you."

And then I just ran out of there

as fast as my little
legs could carry me.

- Then what happened?
- Nothing.

That was it.

He came back the next year,
and he weighed 900 pounds.

I heard they had to
float him in a tank.

I don't know. I didn't go.

Oh, I can understand that.

I mean, you wanted
to remember him

the way he was.

Right.

Well, you all are
never going to believe

what's happened now.

Reggie Mac escape?

No. I'm sitting there,

peacefully eating
my breakfast bar,

when all of a sudden
the phone rings.

And who is it?

The manager of my new circus.

Seems Reggie Mac
told him to call me.

Well, anyway, to
make a long story short,

They were supposed
to be in Atlanta last night,

but their trucks
got all bogged down

in the mud and rain.

I mean, it just must
be a horrible mess.

You can imagine, you know,

trucks full of snakes
and elephants

and trapeze people.

Well, since they were
late getting into town,

seems they have lost
their motel reservations.

There's a big
convention in town,

and he wants to know now

if I can provide
somewhere for them to stay.

- Can you believe it?
- No, I can't.

I mean, this is a nightmare.

I'm telling you, if I don't
go to the metal hospital

within the next hour,
then I'm never going.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, Suzanne.

You. How did
you get out of jail?

Oh, I posted bail.

[Suzanne] Posted bail?
With whose money?

Oh, I had a little something
set aside for a rainy day.

I bet you did.

Can you all believe this?

First he steals all my money,

then I turn him in.

Now he's out
prancing around Atlanta

with his little
hat on, scot-free.

Suzanne, the reason
I'm wearing this little hat

is because I'm on
my way to work.

Anyway, I just stopped by

to show you something
I bought for you.

I don't want anything else.

Believe me, you have
bought me quite enough.

- Don't you want to look at it?
- No.

I'll look at it.

Charlene.

Actually, it's quite
an expensive dress.

It's powder blue with sequins
and a feathered headpiece

that could be like a crown.

Well, I'll look at it,
but I'm not accepting it.

[gasp] Where did you get that?

Fantasy Costumes.

I thought you
might want to wear it

when they introduce you.

- Introduce me where?
- At the circus.

Patti the Pony Woman's
loaning you her gold coach,

and you're going to come
in with a big spotlight on you

and be escorted to your box.

Ooh, Suzanne, that sounds nice.

Charlene, don't be goofy.

She's not actually
going to do this.

Did you say this coach
has horses pulling it?

[Mary Jo] If I could just have
your attention for a moment,

we need some volunteers

to go in the van to
Suzanne's house.

And... and you should
take your luggage with you

because that's where
you'll be sleeping tonight

after your show.

- Now, the rest of you...
- [elephant trumpets]

can come on the
other van back here.

We'll be here taking inventory,

and the ones that don't
end up sleeping here

will be divided up into
groups of three or four

and stay at Charlene's house

or Anthony's house or my house.

- Yes?
- What's your house like?

Well, it's two-story, brick.

It's very nice. I've
recently redone the den.

Do you have a pool?

No, I don't. I'm sorry.

Why am I apologizing
to this person?

I don't care if he stays
at my house or not.

You know, I used to twirl a
baton at beauty pageants,

and I would throw it so high

that the spotlight
would catch it

and follow it until you almost
couldn't see it anymore.

Must be just incredible

to fly through the air
with the spot light on you.

I guess, then, you
know what it feels like

to be a baton.

Yeah. Right.

You know, we have a
close personal friend,

Bernice Clifton,
who can eat fire.

I mean, I guess that
could come in handy,

like if you were camping
and you wanted to go to bed

and just couldn't get
that flame to die down.

- Are you Julia?
- Yes.

I'm Cheray. You sister said

that you might have
some glue for my pasties.

I'm sorry. I don't
use pastie glue.

Tell my sister she was mistaken.

Have y'all seen Suzanne?

I think she's really
enjoying herself.

Are you kidding? She's
having the time of her life.

When you think about it,

Suzanne really is
kind of a circus person.

She loves offbeat people,

bright lights, gaudy getups.

Yep. It's just a matter of time

before I'll be stringing up
the old trapeze out back.

I can't believe y'all
are going to miss

the opening night of my circus

just to stay here and
count a few crummy lamps.

Suzanne, I told you
we'll go tomorrow night.

I have to turn these
figures in tomorrow

for our quarterly report.

I know y'all think
I'm a big fool

sitting here in this
big blue costume

with a plume in my head,

waiting on the man
who stole all my money

and bought me a circus

to pick me up in a gold carriage

pulled by eight white horses.

No, we didn't say that.

I just figure, you know,

we're only here on
Earth for a short while,

and if someone says they're
going to pick you up at 7

in a horse-drawn carriage

and drive you through
the streets of Atlanta

to your very own circus,

well, maybe you
should give it a whirl.

Even if they are a crook.

Oh, Anthony,

did you happen to
notice a gold carriage

with eight white horses outside?

No, but I could go
out and look again.

That's okay. It's a
goofy idea anyway.

Maybe he got mixed up
and went to your house.

No, that's why he's
picking me up here.

The horses couldn't go that far.

Suzanne, I think you've
let this wretched Mac man

take advantage of
you long enough.

Now if you want
to go to the circus,

just get on your
own clothes and go.

Tomorrow we'll get
Reese and my accountant

and whoever else we need

and find out just how
big a mess this is.

In the meantime,

you're going to have to give up

on the coach and the horses.

It's just another

of Reggie Mac
Dawson's fairy tales,

and his fairy tales
do not come true.

[door opens]

- [horse whinnies]
- Hi, everyone.

Sorry I'm late.

You cannot imagine
what it was like

getting all those horses
over here in traffic.

I've never been flipped
the bird so many times

in all my life.

Oh, my word.

You just look stunning.

Doesn't she look good?

- [Charlene] Sure does.
- Oh, yes, she does.

Well, we better get going.

You don't want to miss
the opening spotlight

on our entrance.

Bye. Y'all have fun.

- Okay. You, too.
- Bye. You, too.

Now, I thought I
would be the one

to escort you to your box,

and then, if you like,

we can take a
little bow together.

No.

Depending on whether or
not it would be appropriate.

Well, I just can't believe it.

What?

What do you mean, what?

What? All of it. It's nuts.

Oh. I'm starting to feel like
Cinderella's ugly stepsister.

[siren]

[horse whinnies]

- What on earth?
- It's a police car.

He's giving Suzanne a ticket.

No, he's not.

He's giving Reggie Mac a ticket.

Here comes Suzanne now.

[horse neighs]

Can you believe it?

I mean, the one time
I finally get a carriage

and eight horses to
drive me somewhere,

and this idiot policeman says

we are violating some
sort of silly city ordinance.

I tell you, I'm just
about to get tired

of the police in this town.

Look, can't we get this
silly permit tomorrow?

I mean, the horses
belong to the circus,

and it starts in 15 minutes,

and there are going to be

a lot of disappointed
little children.

You can't drive something
like that on a city street.

I don't even know how
you got it over here.

Can I use your phone?

- Who are you calling?
- A wrecker.

A wrecker?

We don't need a wrecker.
We need a police escort.

Yeah, this is Officer Shane.

I'm going to need
some assistance

at 1521 Sycamore.

Well, it's a sort
of a golden coach

and eight white horses.

Yeah. Right. Funny.

Also, I need you to
contact Animal Control.

Animal Control?

What the Sam Hill do we
need an Animal Control for?

My word, I'm going to
have to take a tranquilizer.

Where is your bathroom?

Through that door.

You know, I am
not in good health.

I hope you're happy.

You've just ruined
my entire evening.

I mean, I'm going to
report you tomorrow

to the chief at your
headquarters there.

Do you have any idea who I am?

Yeah, I know who you are.

Everyone down at
the station knows you.

You're Suzanne Sugarbaker,

and you were brought in before

for having an unlicensed pig

and endangering
the lives of others

with an AR15 assault rifle.

Oh. Well, I just
wondered if you knew.

Uh, excuse me, but do you know

where I might find a
Mr. Bobby Bojangles?

Well, he's in the
bathroom. Who are you?

Ed Dust. I'm the owner of
the circus in town right now.

I'd like to thank you
people for helping us out.

You're the owner?

But we thought Reggie Mac...

I mean Mr. Bojangles...

Bought the circus from you.

Well, he did. At least he
gave me a down payment.

You see, he's been working
for me as an advance man,

and I'd rather talk
to him if I could.

Well, you see, he's ill,

but you can tell
me. I'm his sister.

Well, it's just that
his check is no good.

Insufficient funds.

You say he's ill.

He sure is. He's not
expected to live long, either.

Reggie! Reggie Mac Dawson,
you get out here right now!

I know you're in here,
and you're surrounded.

Come out here. You
didn't buy me a circus.

Where's my money?
I want my money.

I've been asking you
for... Dear Suzanne,

I really did want to
buy you the circus,

but unfortunately,
this Peruvian coin deal

fell through at the last minute.

And then, of course,

there was that nasty
business about making bail.

Don't worry. Your
money's in good hands.

It looks like now we may
get in on the ground floor

of a new industry

that makes gourmet
ice cubes from glaciers.

I'll always remember
you in that golden coach

and know that for one
brief, shining moment

you were my princess.

Until we meet again,

your humble servant Reggie Mac.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA