Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 9 - Tyrone - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Charlene] Okay,
that's the last time

I'm buying one of these
sleaze-o newspapers.

I mean, they've got this
whole big long story in here

about how Jackie Onassis
is going to marry Tony Danza.

I don't know. I don't
think that sounds right.

Oh, and listen to this quote.

"Tony is the one for me.
He's the man of my dreams.

"We're hot. We're in love.

"We're on cloud 9."

Oh, yeah. I can hear
Jackie saying that.



As a matter of fact,

it puts me in mind
of Eleanor Roosevelt.

[whimper]

Something wrong, Suzanne?

Yes, something is wrong.

I'm driving down the
street this morning.

The sun is shining.
I'm young, I'm beautiful.

I look in the rear view
mirror, and what do I see?

There is a hair
growing out of my chin.

I mean, have you
ever in all your life?

I simply could not
believe my eyes.

Here I am, hardly 30 years old,

and there's this hair
sticking out right here.

It's unbelievable.



Obviously, I'm being
punished for some heinous sin

like telling Kyle
Westheimer's parents

that he is, in fact,
a bisexual, but...

All I know is whatever it
is I did, I did not merit this.

You told some guy's
parents that he's a bisexual?

That's right. I always
tell the parents.

And I'm not sorry, either.

I don't believe in bisexuals.

I figure the rest of
us have to choose,

so why shouldn't they?

By the way, Charlene,

do you happen to know where
I can get a permit for my pig?

I don't.

Well, I can't believe that. You
always know about stuff like that.

I don't know anything
about pig permits.

Exactly what is your pig
wanting permission to do?

Oh, she don't want
permission to do anything.

Consuela left the
back gate open,

so she got over in Rex
and Mignon Weber's yard,

and so now Mignon
says that in order to keep

a farm animal in the city
limits, you have to have a permit,

and if I don't have a permit,
she's going to report me.

[scoffs] Her, report
me. Can you believe it?

Like everybody in
Atlanta doesn't know

that she has Carson
McDaniels over every weekend

to play nudist colony.

Jule, you see
anything else there?

No, Suzanne. I don't.

Good. Because if
I get another one,

I'm just going to get a gun and
shoot myself through the head.

Why don't you shoot
yourself in the chin?

Maybe that way,
you'll hit the root.

I'm glad y'all find
this so amusing.

Oh, come on, Suzanne.

Don't you think you're
being just a little bit shallow?

No, I do not, Charlene. I
do not think it is shallow

not to want to go through
life wearing a goatee.

And furthermore,
I get a little tired

of you all always implying
that you're deeper than me.

For your information, last night,
when I was getting ready to go to bed,

I got bored, so I decided
to watch the news.

That's a pretty good program.

Y'all ever watch it?

Yeah. We've seen
it once or twice.

Well, I've decided to start
watching it every night.

I mean, it was
really interesting.

There was a little
of this, a little of that,

not even lasted too long.
It was my kind of program.

Oh, my gosh.

It's a good thing I
looked at this calendar.

Did y'all know a week from
Friday's Anthony's birthday?

Oh, shoot. We better
get cracking on a gift.

Well, I tell you what
we ought to get him.

We should get one of
those rip-off Rolex watches.

I could pick one up for $25,

and he'll never
know the difference.

Suzanne, that's crummy.

No, it's not. He lives
in a bad neighborhood,

so this way, if it gets
stolen, it won't matter.

Shh. Here he comes.

Listen, Julia, I just
finished loading the truck.

As soon as I make this delivery,

I'm going to take my
little brother to lunch.

Then I thought I'd
bring him back here.

That would be nice, Anthony.
We're looking forward to meeting him.

Your little brother's
going to come by?

He's not my real
brother, Suzanne.

I belong to this organization
that helps ghetto kids,

and they assign you a
kid to be a big brother to,

as kind of a role model.

Anthony, I've forgotten.

What did you say his name was?

Tyrone.

And let me tell you, he
is a real little con artist.

You have to watch
him every second.

I've spent every Saturday for
the last three months with him,

and I still don't trust him any
further than I can throw him.

Anthony, aren't you taking
kind of a negative attitude?

Isn't the whole
idea to prove to him

that you believe in him?

Oh, I believe in him, all right.

I believe that he will
say anything he has to

to keep him out of trouble.

He's got a terrible family life.

No parents. He
lives with a sister

who's a prostitute
and never home.

Oh, stop. I can't hear
any more of this poor boy.

Yeah, I know, Mary
Jo. But trust me...

The one thing
Tyrone does not need

is another bleeding heart.

This kid will con
you out of your socks.

That's why I'm trying to
instigate a little tough love.

Tough love? What's that?

Well, it's kind of complicated.

That's right, Suzanne. It
would take too long to explain.

You could just ask one
of your ex-husbands.

Can you believe that he got me
a Rolex watch for my birthday?

You're kidding.

No, I'm not. I found
it in his book bag,

all wrapped up with a nice card.

Anthony, it must
have been a fake.

Charlene, please
give me a little credit.

In prison, I attended seminars
conducted by jewelry thieves.

I'm saying it was a hot Rolex.

Of course, when
I confronted him,

he swore that it was a fake,

that he would never
get me a real one

because if it got stolen,
then I would feel too bad.

I mean, what kind of
warped mind thinks like that?

[Charlene] I'm
telling you, Mary Jo,

I had to go to at least
three different stores.

This was by far the prettiest
one. Think Anthony will like it?

Oh, yeah. Looks good to me.

Quick. Hurry up. Here
they come. Put it away.

Hello, hello.

Sorry we're late, ladies. We
had to do a little clothes shopping.

Well, Tyrone, looks
like you're in luck to meet

the entire Sugarbaker
establishment, as it were.

This is Ms. Sugarbaker senior.

Hello, Tyrone.

How do you do?

And this is Mrs. Shively.

Hi, Tyrone.

And I'm Charlene.

And this is Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Oh, don't tell me. You
must be the beauty queen.

Yes.

Isn't it amazing, how
he picked me right out?

Now I know why Anthony likes to
come to work so much every day.

And this room, it has
so much personality.

Tell me, did you
all use a decorator?

No, Tyrone. You don't
understand. They are decorators.

Oh, I see.

Well, it is a wonderful room.

You've done a
very, very nice job.

Thank you, Tyrone. Now
let's all sit down over here.

Would you care for a soft drink?

Oh, yes. I believe I would.

Thank you so very
much for asking.

Tyrone, lighten up, man.

This is not the White House.

So Tyrone, where did you
and Anthony go for lunch?

Oh, it was this wonderful
little Italian place.

I forget the name.

Domino's Pizza.

Right.

Oh, Ms. Sugarbaker,
that's a wonderful outfit.

Tell me, what did you all do
before you were decorators?

Were you some
kind of movie stars?

How did you know?

That's just what we
are... Retired movie stars.

Tell me, Tyrone,

where'd you get this
particular line of gab?

I guess it just
runs in my family.

Incidentally, these
cookies are delicious.

What kind are they?

Graham crackers.

They're very tasty.

How old did you say you are?

- I'm 21.
- He's 14.

Okay, just tell me
this... If I'm only 14,

how come I drive a car and date?

Well, that's easy...
Because you lie.

Tyrone, what do you say

we take you back to my apartment

and get started
on your homework?

Homework? This guy kills
me. Where do you get this stuff?

Say goodbye, Tyrone.

Okay, I just want to
give them a little gift.

What gift?

Please accept this as a token

of my appreciation
for your hospitality.

Well, isn't that nice?
A can of air freshener.

That's right, and it's
called Touch of Scent.

It makes a lovely addition
to any home or office.

Tyrone, where did you
get this? This cost $3.00.

Hey, man, that's uncouth
to tell the price of gifts.

- What's the matter with you?
- Are you sure you bought this?

Yes. I have one in
my own bedroom.

See, it sticks on the wall here.

Whenever company's coming over

or you've got something
special going on,

just give it a
little tap... [hisses]

And a lovely fragrance
fills your home or office.

Thank you, Tyrone.
That's so thoughtful.

I'd buy something
even better if I had a job,

but I can't get
anybody to hire me

because of my
unfortunate incarceration.

Yeah, well, you
don't need a job now.

You need to get through school.

Say, Anthony, I
just had an idea.

You know you've been saying you need
help unloading when we get shipments.

Well, maybe Tyrone can pitch
in once in a while after school.

That's a great idea.

Uh, I don't think so, Julia,

but thank you very
much for the offer.

Look, all I want is a chance

to become a young,
responsible adult.

And to help build
a better America.

Maybe just one afternoon a week.

It'd be like an allowance.

Well, I'll think about it,

provided it's all right
with his counselor.

Right. Believe me,
you won't be sorry.

Believe me, I better not be.

- Let's roll.
- Right.

Well, thank you, Ms. Sugarbaker.

And remember, if you don't
like the smell of Wintergreen,

I can also get it for you in
Summer Days or Powder Fresh.

Tyrone.

Bye, ladies. You're beautiful.

- Bye bye, Tyrone.
- Goodbye, Tyrone.

[door closes]

Well, I'd say Anthony
certainly has his hands full.

Yup. And now, thanks
to Julia, so do we.

You know, at first I had
my doubts about Tyrone,

but he sure does grow on you.

He does, doesn't he?

I know he's full of himself, but
there's just something about him.

You just can't
keep from liking him.

Yeah, he does kind of
sound like Eddie Haskell.

Who's Eddie Haskell?

Who's Eddie Haskell?

Suzanne, sometimes
you just amaze me.

I can't believe you don't
know who Eddie Haskell is.

He was on Leave It To Beaver.

He was always
buttering everybody up.

You know, Charlene, I get a
little tired of you berating me

just because I do not know
the same people you do.

And for your information,
I can name a lot of Eddies.

I can name Eddie
Fisher, Eddie Cantor.

I can even name Eddie
Amin, but I'm sorry,

I do not know Eddie Haskell.

Eddie Amin?

Suzanne, be serious.
His name's Idi, not Eddie.

Oh, yeah, right.

He's a man and his
parents named him Edie?

That's right, Suzanne. People
name their children all kinds of things.

I know a woman who lives
outside Poplar Bluff with 19 kids,

including a daughter
named Charisma

and a son named Absorbine Jr.

Please stop. You're just
giving me a headache.

Amen.

We were discussing Tyrone,

and I think Charlene is right.

He's just trying to
please and impress us

in the only way he knows how.

- How's that?
- By giving us those tapes.

He's trying to
fit into our world.

Obviously, he
thinks Guy Lombardo

is the only kind of music
old white people listen to.

Did you notice that a
couple of those cassettes

had "Roy's Car
Wash" written on them?

Yeah. But he did say that
those tapes were second-hand.

Yeah. That just
means it took his hand

a few seconds to steal them.

Suzanne, this kid's been doing

some pretty good
work around here,

and I think he deserves
the benefit of the doubt.

You know what I get a kick
out of? Watching Anthony.

When Tyrone first
started working here,

Anthony was awful critical,

but now, he's just
walking around

beaming like a proud father.

Just goes to show,

children become
what's expected of them.

I don't know.

I don't think Kyle
Westheimer's parents

expected him to like
both boys and girls.

Thank you, Suzanne.
I meant to say,

children will become
what you expect of them,

with the exception of the
Kyle Westheimer case.

Well, that's the
last of that load.

We put all the wicker stuff
in the outer store room.

Y'all look cold and tired.
Want some hot chocolate?

No, thanks, Julia.

I got some errands to run.

Are you sure you don't mind
me taking the afternoon off?

No, absolutely not. But you better
get going. Afternoon's going to be gone.

Right. Let's go, ace.

No. Tyrone's going to stay here
and help me with a few things.

I'll get him home,
if that's all right.

Okay, but I'm going
to call you later on.

We're going to go over the
rest of those spelling words.

You just try and stump me.

Cantaloupe.

C-A-N-T-A-L-O-U-P-E.

That's very good, Suzanne.

I eat it all the time.

[Tyrone] Man, this is
a good-looking cake.

We have to make one
for your birthday, Tyrone.

What kind do you like?

I don't know. I never
had a birthday cake.

You haven't?

Nah, but that's okay. I
really don't like cake anyway.

So Tyrone, what
did you get Anthony?

Some socks. If I had the money,

I could have got
something from my uncle.

He's in merchandising.

Oh, where?

Everywhere. Mostly gas stations.

He sells jewelry,
stuffed animals,

air fresheners.

When I get my first paycheck,
I'm going to buy all you guys

ankle bracelets with your
names and birth stones on them.

Aw, that's so sweet, Tyrone.

We want you to save your money.

Why? It's just green paper
with dead presidents on it.

Kind of has your philosophy,
doesn't he, Suzanne?

Okay, y'all. We
better get going.

Whose car are we taking?

We can take mine.

I get to ride in the front seat.

Suzanne, that is so
childish. You always do that.

Besides, you almost
broke my ear drum.

Tyrone is riding
up front with me.

He has to hold the cake.

[Charlene laughs]

Don't forget, we have
to stop and buy candles.

- Yeah, we do.
- Wait.

- [air can hisses]
- Makes it nicer
when you come home.

[Anthony] I just can't
believe you all did this.

Tyrone, was this your idea?

Every bit of it. He
even planned the menu.

Oh, hot dogs and
Spaghetti-Os. Who could guess?

Anthony, come on.
Were you really surprised?

Yeah, I was surprised.

And this camera... I surely was not
expecting anything as nice as this.

That was a surprise to us, too.

Tyrone told us that
he just got you socks.

Hey, don't throw those
candles away. I'll take them.

Hey, man, what did you wish for?

I can't tell you that,
Tyrone. That's a secret.

Would you look
at this? It's 10:00.

We got to get this child home.

My gosh, I forgot
to watch the news.

It's too late. We
can't stay for that now.

You don't want me to watch it

because you like
to call me stupid,

but I'm watching it anyway.

[News Anchor] and
to the city controller

before deciding which
bids are acceptable.

This just in... A 7-Eleven
convenience store on Atlanta's east side

was robbed at 5:35 this evening

by an unidentified black
youth brandishing a pistol.

Bystanders said the
youth fled the store

and got into a car full of
women, which then sped off.

The car's license
plate has been traced

to Julia Sugarbaker,

a former candidate
for commissioner

in the third district.

Police have issued an
all-points bulletin on the vehicle,

a 1987 gray Lincoln town car.

Witnesses said
the driver of the car

fit Ms. Sugarbaker's
description.

The heist included
a Kodak camera,

baseball cards, lottery tickets,

and several nudie magazines.

Gosh.

All right, give it to me.

- What?
- The gun.

Hey, man, leave me alone.

- Give it to me!
- Get back.

[water gun squirts]

I'm sorry, man. I didn't
want to have to squirt you.

[Julia] This is a nightmare.

I know it must be true

because I saw my
face on television,

but yet it doesn't seem
like it could be true.

I mean, that people
could actually think,

or will think,

that I conspired with
a 14-year-old child

to rob a convenience store...

That I, Julia Sugarbaker,

drove a getaway car loaded with
baseball cards and girlie magazines.

Julia, it probably would
have looked better

if you'd stolen something
more adult, like towel sets.

- Charlene.
- [door opens]

Well, I just had breakfast
at the country club,

and it's all everybody's
talking about.

They want to know if
we're going to change

the name Sugarbaker's
to Bonnie and Clyde.

Well, I hope you told him
that it's all just a big mistake,

that the child in
question is in juvenile hall,

and that Julia has not
been charged with anything.

No.

I just said it was her
time of the month,

and her hormones
had made her insane.

Where's Anthony?

He's in the store room.

I feel so bad for
him, I could cry.

I hate to say "I told you
so," but I did say, didn't I?

You can take the
kid out of the ghetto,

but you cannot take
the ghetto out of the kid.

Well, don't say
anything to Anthony.

He doesn't want
to talk about it.

Where are you going?

To talk about it.

Anthony, I have
something to say to you.

I know. I'm fired. I understand.

Don't be ridiculous.
You're not fired.

But I must say, I'm a
little disappointed in you.

I don't blame you.

I can really pick them, can't I?

And the weird thing is that the
same thing happened to me before.

I went to prison because I was
waiting outside a convenience store

for my friends to
get a six-pack of beer

when they decided they'd
rather have $1,100 instead.

So what do I do?

Now I let you get taken in, too.

I'm not disappointed about that.

I'm disappointed in both
of us for sitting around here

feeling sorry for ourselves,
when there's a little boy...

And he is just a little boy...

Waiting down at
juvenile hall by himself.

I'm out of this, Julia. I
wash my hands of that kid.

Oh, I see.

So this is the tough
love you talk about.

It's conditional?

What do you mean?

I mean, there isn't anything

terrible enough for Payne to do

that I wouldn't be there
with him in his hour of need.

Yeah, but he's your son.

Exactly. Look, I'm not
defending what he did.

It's indefensible.

But I'm telling you,
there's a light in this child,

this sweetness
and charm and love,

and you were right to see it.

I don't know. I may be
way off base here, Anthony,

but I've been thinking...

Tyrone didn't need that camera

or those baseball cards.

Everything was going perfectly.

I think it scared him,

so he decided to mess it all up,

see what you'd do.

And why not? Everybody else
has always abandoned him.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying I
think this is a test,

and so far, you're failing it.

Okay, only five minutes. I
have to get him downstairs.

Here you go.

You stick it on your wall.

Thanks.

Why, you look very beautiful
today, Ms. Sugarbaker.

That's right, Tyrone. She does.

She's a very beautiful
and kind person,

and she does not appreciate

having her picture on
television with common criminals.

Anthony.

I know. I'm sorry.

Sorry is just not good enough.

Sorry just does not get it.

You cannot go through
life dispensing garbage

and then handing
out air fresheners.

What do you mean?

I mean I want to know

what you're going to
do to compensate Julia

and all the other people to whom
you have brought pain and sorrow.

I guess I don't know yet.

You're going to have plenty
of time to think about it.

You know what?

Juvenile or no juvenile,

this is your third offense,

and they're going to throw
the book at you this time.

I know.

I don't even know why I did it.

I guess I just wanted to
get you something nice.

No, you didn't.

You just wanted to screw up

because that's what
everybody expects of you,

but I'm going to
surprise you, Tyrone.

I'm going to wait around
here for you to get out.

I'm going to come
visit you every week.

I'm going to check on you. I'm
going to hound you like a dog.

And when you do get out of here,

I'm going to expect
to see something

a whole lot better than
what I'm looking at now.

You are?

Oh, you're damn right.

I can't believe you came.

My own sister didn't even come.

So what, Tyrone?

You think you're the
only kid in the world

whose family doesn't
care about him?

Let me tell you something.

I grew up in a neighborhood

where people put
cigarettes out on your head.

I never met my father,

and my mother was an
addict who left me behind

when I was two weeks old.

I didn't see her
again until I was 9.

Then she wrote and
said she was coming.

One day, she showed up at school

after I had told everybody
how beautiful my mama was

and how she was
coming just to see me.

You know what she did, Tyrone?

She got out of her car.

She walked across
the playground,

and picked up some other kid

and hugged him
and started crying

and calling him by my name.

She did that right
in front of everybody.

I was her son. She
didn't even know me.

So you see, I've been
where you are right now,

and if it hadn't been for that
one person, my grandmama,

loving me and kicking
my butt every day,

I'd still be there.

I'm sorry I let you down.

I'm going to be here every week.

You can count on that, Tyrone.

I'm sorry, but your time is up.

One more thing, man.

You know that birthday wish
that you asked me about?

I wished you were my son.

I love you.

I love you too, man.

Anthony, I want you to know

that I've never been
prouder of anyone in my life

than I am of you at this moment.

Let's go home.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA