Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Wilderness Experience - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Mary Jo] Charlene, are
you sure you told Suzanne

that we're supposed to
leave from here at 10:00?

I want to drop my extra
sleeping bag by her house.

I reminded her.

If she's not here
in a couple minutes,

I'll call Bernice, tell
her we're gonna be late.

I'll bet old Bernice
is sitting on go.

I bet she's got a
bugle in her hand

and a pith helmet on her head.

Julia, you're being awful quiet.



What are you thinking about?

Oh, I was just thinking

if I had it to do
all over again,

and Bernice asked us what
we would like for Christmas,

I would not say, "Oh,
just anything, Bernice."

Especially if I had known she
was ready to fork out $1200

so we could spend a three-day
endurance test in the woods

with 25 other misguided women

in something called the
Wilderness Experience.

No, no. If I'd known
what was in store,

I would've asked for
a cappuccino machine.

No, I think y'all have the
wrong attitude about this.

I think this is gonna be a lot of
fun. Did you read your literature?

[both] No.



It's important for women to
learn to conquer the wilderness.

I mean, some of Lee Iacocca's
top executives took this course.

It builds leadership qualities

and strength and ingenuity,

and all that transfers into being
able to run a better business.

We get it, Charlene.
We just don't wanna do it.

Charlene, why don't
you call Suzanne

and see what's keeping her?

No way. I don't want to
talk to that maid of hers.

Consuela? Why? What'd she do?

You know she has that
family that's in meatpacking?

They've been renting out
storage lockers to people.

When I was over at Suzanne's,

Consuela asked me if I
wanted to store my meat in one.

Well, I tried to explain to her, in a
nice way, that I'm only one person.

I don't have all that much meat.

I mean, I don't
hunt or anything.

She got real mad and started saying
a bunch of stuff to me in Spanish,

and Suzanne told
me that it was a curse.

So I told Consuela
I'd think about it.

Charlene, that's ridiculous.

You do not have to rent a
meat locker from that woman.

Meat lockers are for huge
families and deer hunters.

You don't need
something like that.

Well, I know, Julia, but I don't
need a curse on me, either.

I don't know.

Maybe I could keep some
cold cuts in it, you know?

Maybe a little package of
braunschweiger or something.

Or maybe you could kill
something in the wilderness.

You know, something you
could munch on all winter.

Suzanne, where have you been?

We've been waiting on
you over half an hour.

If you must know, Julia, I
have been chasing my pig

in my bathrobe down the
middle of West Hiker Boulevard.

You let that pig wear your robe?

No, silly. I had on the robe.

I don't understand how
Noel keeps getting out.

Anyway, I am not
having a good morning,

and I'm not happy about having to
participate in this woodsmans program...

Whatever that is... so let's just
dispense with bawling me out, okay?

By the way, Charlene, I rented two
meat lockers to store my pigs feet in,

so now Consuela's agreed
to take the curse off you.

Oh, thank you, Suzanne.
I appreciate that.

I don't know why we're
going on this seminar.

Just working here is a
wilderness experience.

Yeah, and just think, we haven't
even picked up Bernice yet.

And you should always
remember not to splinter the edges

because this can result in
getting wood chips in your food.

- Any questions?
- Yes.

I thought Lee Iacocca
was going to be here.

No. Some of Mr. Iacocca's
top executives took our course,

but Mr. Iacocca did not.

Anyway, this weekend
is for women only.

- Any other questions?
- Yeah.

- What time to the buses roll?
- In about 15 minutes.

We'll let everyone go to the bathroom
first, and then we'll reorganize outside.

I might remind you to
enjoy the flushing sound.

You won't hear it
again for some time.

Is she kidding? Is that
supposed to be a joke?

Now, when we get to the main
campsite, we'll divide you into groups,

and you'll be given
a set of specific goals

and survival tasks to meet
over the next three days.

Hopefully you'll learn to look
to other women for leadership,

and also to find it
within yourselves.

Periodic evaluations will be
made by our staff counselors.

And for those campers who successfully
complete the Wilderness Experience,

we will have a little
silver pen with the words

"Wilderness Experience
Graduate," and the date.

Happy camping.

Can you beat that?

$1200, and all
they're going to give us

is a dinky little old pen.

I could get something
better than that

by operating one of those
little cranes at a carnival.

Bernice, I don't think
the pen's the point.

It's the experience
that's important.

Well, I'm sorry. I just
don't think it's right.

And furthermore, I got
the definite impression

that Lee Iacocca
was going to be here.

Wait a minute, Bernice.

You mean you
signed us all up for this

because you thought that you
were gonna meet Lee Iacocca?

I wouldn't have minded
saying hello to him.

You know, I heard that
marriage of his just didn't work out.

Well, did you all hear what
she said about that flushing?

I mean, we don't even
have porta-potties.

I'm serious, you all. I think
we should just rethink this.

[Woman] Five minutes,
buses are rolling.

Suzanne, Bernice has put
out 1,200 nonrefundable dollars.

We have all just sat
through a four-hour lecture.

Now, I don't want to go
any more than you do,

but I'm telling you, I've
rolled my sleeping bag,

I have backed my pack
and I have filled my canteen.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying get on the bus, Gus.

[Woman] Head 'em
up! Move 'em out!

I just took this compass
reading for the third time,

and I still say this is not where
we were supposed to set up camp.

We're supposed to be over here.

Look, I told you, we're
where we're supposed to be.

I mean, it's not like
it's our first time, okay?

So you two have done this
Wilderness Experience before?

Oh, yeah. Every year. For us,
it's a way of relieving tension.

We work in the garment
district in New York.

- [Mary Jo] That must be a tough business.
- Tell me about it.

That's why we like to get
out in the wide open spaces,

let our hair down, put our
boots up, take in the big horizon.

- How about you all?
- Yeah. Same here.

That's right. We're just a
couple of Marlboro gals.

For me, it's a way of reaffirming
my leadership abilities.

I mean, in New York, I got a
lot of women working under me.

But it's not the same as taking
command in the wilderness.

Big Edie's been rated
number 1 in leadership

at every group we ever been in.

It's because I
like taking charge.

I like having other
women depend on me.

I like telling them what to do.

And she doesn't like people
to question her abilities.

Oh, well, hey, we're
just along for the ride.

Anybody wants to be the big
boss, that's fine with us. Right, Julia?

Frankly, I'm a little more
concerned about these tent stakes.

I think they should be
further in the ground.

If it rains, they
might come loose.

Hey, you know, maybe
you didn't hear me right.

I said I done this before.

Trust me. They won't come loose.

- So where you folks from?
- Oh, right here in Atlanta.

We have a little
decorating firm.

Our partners and a friend
of ours are in another group.

Yeah, I saw them. You're
with the girl with the big hair

who tried to get
somebody to carry her.

That's her sister.

I wish she was in my group.

I'd like to get my hands on her.

- I beg your pardon?
- I'd make her into
a real woodsman.

Listen, Edie...

Please, call me Big
Edie. Everyone else does.

All right. I will next time.

I appreciate your
good intentions,

but somehow, I don't believe
my sister would be interested

in becoming a woodsman,
but thank you for asking.

Well, we'd see how interested she
was when I was through with her.

I don't know exactly
what you have in mind,

but I feel that I
should warn you,

she saw the Ned Beatty
scene in Deliverance,

and it didn't appeal to her.

So, uh, Corrine, what do you do?

Oh, I'm just a housewife, but
I'd like to get into real estate.

That's why I'm taking this course... to
make me more confident and aggressive.

Attagirl. All right. That's
what we like to hear.

I don't think I'll ever be as confident
as Big Edie here or Mickey, uh...

Junior. Mickey, Jr.

What's the "Junior" for?

Oh, I was named for my dad.

He wanted a son, so when I was
born, he was pretty disappointed.

Why?

Well, I think all our chores
are done except dinner cleanup.

Tents are secure, and
Dorothy set out our trotlines.

You know, Suzanne,
I still can't believe

that you and Bernice built
this fire without any matches.

- It's just incredible.
- Yeah.

Well, that rubbing two
sticks together is for the birds.

You know, you just get yourself
a nice little pile of dead leaves,

and then you let the sun
reflect off your compact mirror,

and then you just pour a little
bit of nail polish remover on it...

And stand back.

Or I'm here to
tell you that sucker

will take the fuzz
right off your cheeks.

You know, everyone at the
retirement home in Virginia

were trying to discourage
Evelyn and me from coming.

They said you're too old.
You'll break a hip. You'll get sick.

But I knew we'd have the
time of our lives, and we are.

Although, I must say, dear,
not to hurt your feelings,

your fire's better
than your cooking.

Yeah, Suzanne.
What is this stuff?

Well, I don't know.
Consuela packed it.

It says, uh, well, "meat kit."

Let me see that.

"Just add water"?
Ew, that's disgusting!

I thought it was just
some kind of crummy soup.

Hey, I thought
it was a laxative.

- Oh. Don't eat any more,
Bernice.
- [groans]

- Suzanne,
get rid of this stuff.
- I can't. It's all I brought.

Oh, the rest of us
will share with you.

Now, how about a little
after-dinner Nestlé's Crunch

and some toasted marshmallow?

- Ooh!
- I'll get the stick.

This really is
turning out to be fun.

I hope Julia and Mary Jo are
having as much fun as we are.

[thunderclap]

[Julia] Can you believe it?
25 campers to choose from...

We get stuck with Pauline Bunyan

and Jocko the Woodswoman.

They are kind of
aggressive, aren't they?

I wish that Mickey Jr. would stop
asking me to Indian wrestle with her.

Oh, that was ridiculous.

And you don't have to do that
again tomorrow if you don't want to.

You know what she told me?

She told me they think of
themselves as urban cowgirls.

I'll tell you something. I know
it's silly, but they kind of scare me.

Like this big old tough girl I went
to school with named Rhonda.

Every day, after P.E., she
wiped her face right on my blouse.

Every night, I
just washed it out.

I mean, I never
questioned it or anything.

Mary Jo, that's just the way
Southern women are raised.

We can give a man the
dickens, but we're taught

always to be polite
to other women.

It's just conditioning.

Something I myself have been
able to transcend on occasion.

- Maybe it's no accident
they put you with Big Edie.
- What do you mean?

Well, Bernice told me that she had
to describe us on our applications.

She probably put you
down as the Terminator.

This Wilderness Experience thing is about
getting along with other women, you know.

Maybe they just
put you and Big Edie

together on purpose to
see what would happen.

Mary Jo, I think your
imagination is working overtime.

- [thunderclap]
- Oh, my gosh.

What's wrong now?

I just had a terrible thought.

What if Charlene and
Suzanne and Bernice

get a better
evaluation than we do?

- Wouldn't that be embarrassing?
- Embarrassing?

[chuckling] Don't be ridiculous.

If we're having problems, can
you imagine what their group is like?

[laughs] Yeah.
You're probably right.

But just the same, I
think we better play it safe.

I mean, having a fight with Mickey Jr. and
Big Edie is just gonna lower our scores.

I rewashed that skillet
when she told me to, didn't I?

And then you called
her "Eddie" to her face.

We just have to try a
little harder, you know,

to establish leadership but
still not make anybody mad.

Even though, when you think about
it, it seems like an impossible task.

I got a headache.

I hate the wilderness.

Maybe tomorrow
will be a better day.

Mary Jo, you don't
have to worry about me.

I'm not gonna do anything
to lower our scores.

In fact, I'm not gonna
say one more word

about being lost or
having loose tent stakes,

not even if this whole thing
collapses on our heads.

[thunderclap]

I just don't understand
what the deal is.

This usually starts it right up.

I think it's pretty irrelevant
to start a fire now anyway,

since we don't have any food.

Julia, look, I've
explained this to you once.

I'm gonna explain it
to you one more time.

It doesn't make any difference
if I had taken your advice

and kept all our
food in the stream.

A bear can still smell it
and locate it if he wants to.

I just couldn't believe it when I
came out of my tent this morning.

He was just sitting right here.

Well, I guess now we got the
answer to that age-old question...

Yes, a bear does
sit in the woods.

[laughter]

[Big Edie] That's very good.

Hey, Mickey, you kill me.

- Did you all get that?
- Yeah, we got it.

I just don't understand why the supervisors
haven't been here for our evaluation.

Oh, I tell you, Corrine,

they haven't been here
'cause they can't find us

'cause we're not where
we're supposed to be.

We're lost!

Has anybody checked to see
what our tasks are for today?

Yeah. We're supposed to
build a raft and climb a mountain.

But now that we
don't have any food,

I think we can change that
to gathering roots and berries.

Look, I told you, we're
gonna get some food.

- [Mary Jo] How?
- It's easy. We hunt and fish for it.

Didn't you all read
your manuals?

No, we didn't read our manuals.

We were too busy
holding up our tent.

Well, if you had read
your manual, you'd know

you never have to
go hungry in the forest.

I got some catgut in my tackle.

And Mickey Jr., Corrine and
I will gather some branches,

make a couple of fishing poles.

What are we supposed to do?

You two can catch a deer.

Excuse me?

There's a blueprint in your
manual for building a deer trap.

It's not that hard. It
just takes an afternoon.

I see. You're going fishing,

and we're supposed to find
some big, unsuspecting buck

in the forest and wrestle
him to the ground?

I didn't say anything
about wrestling.

You know, you
got a bad attitude.

I've got a bad attitude?

You've done nothing
since we've been here

but brag about your
woodchuck skills and bully

everybody else into
doing your work for you.

Our tent has collapsed,
our food is gone,

and we haven't got the foggiest
clue as to where we're located!

And furthermore, I'm tired of playing
paper, rock and scissors with you.

- I got bruises all over me.
- What are you gonna do?

- We're leaving.
- We are?

You bet we are.
This weekend's about

something other than just
getting along with each other.

It's also about leadership.

We'll see who gets
out of this forest first.

Go ahead! Go! Who cares?

[Big Edie] Yeah. They'll find your
little crumpled bodies in a ravine.

I'm the only one who can
find the way out of here.

Madam... and I use
that term loosely...

You couldn't find your
considerable derriere

if you were sitting on it!

Suzanne, I cannot believe
you've already identified

every flora and
fauna on that list there.

Hey, I wasn't Miss Atlanta Arboretum
for two years in a row for nothing.

Okay, now when
you're through with that,

I'll need you to
help me cut bait.

Why don't you let Dorothy
and Evelyn do that?

Because they're
still chopping wood.

And anyway, I want
the extra points.

Dorothy and Evelyn are
so sweet. They remind me

of those two sisters who
used to be on The Waltons.

Yes, Charlene, they are sweet,

but they are also old.

I hate it, but if they can't
keep up with the group,

we're gonna have to dump them.

Bernice, that's so cruel.

Anyway, we're supposed
to help each other.

I know, but I looked
in the manual,

and you get more points for
leadership than for helpfulness.

And any good leader knows

that one of the
first things you do

is streamline your organization,

eliminate the dead weight.

[Charlene] Bernice, I've
never seen you like this before.

I mean, you're so in
command and energetic.

I know. It's the wilderness air.

My fog has lifted. I'm
completely invigorated.

Oh, that's great, but let's
not get too carried away.

Don't discourage it, Charlene.

At least she isn't saying
anything dumb, you know?

I think it's kind of nice to
see Bernice on top of things.

Well, I'm glad to hear
you say that, Suzanne,

because I've got news for you.

When the Walton sisters
come back from the forest,

I'm going to take over
the leadership of the group,

and the first thing
we're going to do

is find a real big hollowed-out
elk horn so I can blow it

while you people tow me
down the river on a raft.

Julia, I can't go any further.

Go on ahead.

Save yourself.

I can't take another step.

Maybe we should just
camp here for tonight.

Maybe Big Edie was right.

Maybe they will find our little
crumpled bodies in a ravine.

I hate the way she
calls fishing line catgut.

She knows it's nylon.

She just says "catgut"

'cause it makes her feel tough.

Poor Corrine.

She should've come with us.

She's no match for those two.

- A couple more days without
food, they'd probably eat her.
- Julia...

I wouldn't want to be caught

in an Andes plane
crash with those two.

- Wait.
- What? What?

Over there.

Is that a mirage, or
is that a payphone?

I think we might be on
the edge of a state park.

You got a quarter?

I can honestly say that this
is the best food I ever had.

And this tent... I can't
believe you found a tent.

It's the best-looking
tent I ever saw.

So tell me again, what happened
to those other women campers?

Well, basically, it
was a nightmare.

There were these lumberjack
gals who pushed us around

and tried to make us hunt
deer with our bare hands,

and then our tent collapsed,

and a giant grizzly
ate all our food.

I'll tell you what. I don't know what
we would've done if you hadn't come.

We were at the end.

Anthony, I'm not proud of
this help you've given us.

You have to promise
you won't tell anybody.

I do not want any trouble.

I've never seen
you before in my life.

I'm just gonna go inside

and make sure
the tent is secure.

Well, it's about time.
Sugarbaker and Shively, right?

- [Julia] Right.
- [Mary Jo] Hi.

We've been looking
for you since yesterday.

You weren't at your
designated campsite.

Well, we just got a little off
course, but everything's fine now.

No, it's not. You're still not
at your designated campsite.

Well, what she means is
that we will be by morning.

That's right.
We're just resting.

Where's the rest of your group?

Well, actually...
Connie, isn't it?

- Right.
- Yeah. Um...

We decided to split up,
Connie. It's nothing personal.

We just felt compelled to follow
our own instincts and leadership.

Do you get points off for that?

Who's in there?

Oh, that's just our tent.

What's this camper's name?

[high-pitched voice] Cindy.

- Cindy what?
- Cindy Birdsong.

Birdsong. I don't remember
that name. Check your list.

I was late. I got on the
bus at the last minute.

- Who let you on?
- I don't know. Some white girl.

- Where's your application?
- I turned it in.

- To who?
- Some white girl.

You don't remember
this person, do you?

How long has she been with you?

I joined them in the forest.

That's right. We couldn't
have made it without Cindy.

Did you get your raft built?

Oh, not yet, but
we're working on it.

Would you mind to
get out and stand up?

I can't.

She's kind of sprained
her whole body.

That's right. It feels like I've
just pulled one of everything. Ooh!

She also has a 5:00 shadow.

Well, yes. We've
been here a long time.

Well, we might as well
tent here with you tonight.

- It's getting late.
- Why?

Well, you're the last group
we have still to evaluate.

Oh. Well, Connie,

so, how's my
sister's group doing?

- Your sister?
- Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Charlene Frazier.

Oh, you mean
Bernice Clifton's group.

Well, they're fantastic,
thanks to her leadership.

They've completed all their
tasks and recently planted

a handcrafted flag
atop Ledford Mountain.

We want to especially congratulate
Edie Clayton and Mickey Hyde

for completing their sixth
Wilderness Experience

in spite of the fact that
they got lost for a day

and part of their original
group splintered off.

Finally, we also have
silver pens for Corrine Cahill,

Julia Sugarbaker, Mary Jo
Shively and Cindy Birdsong.

- [high-pitched voice] Thank you.
- Uh, look, okay?

I still don't know who or
what you're supposed to be,

but if we don't find your check,

you're going to owe us $300.

I understand.

Thank you very much. I
will treasure this always.

Oh.

- Julia...
- Not now.

I told you, we'll
talk about it later.

I can't believe how much...

Next time, we should get this
big black girl to be on our team.

And now we come to
our most special award...

Our leadership award.

Every session,
there is one person

who exhibits such high standards
in leadership within her group

that our Wilderness Experience
Committee is compelled

to single her out with
special recognition.

This session's
special award goes to

first-time camper
Bernice Clifton.

[Mary Jo] All right, Bernice!

That's our girl.

That's right. Bernice
Clifton. Remember that name.

- She'll be back.
- Better watch out.

Thank you. It's been
a wonderful three days.

I love being in command.

My only regret is that
I didn't have a rifle.

God bless you all.

[cheering]

Thank you. Oh, I like this girl.

And now, it's on
to the Arctic Circle.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA