Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 10 - Mr. Bailey - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

I think we need
some parking lot rules.

- We do?
- Yes, we do.

Rule number 1...

No matter how crowded
the parking lot is,

if somebody comes out
of the store with a bag,

you're not allowed to
cruise up behind them

and follow them all
over the parking lot

at 2 miles an hour, like
Jaws stalking his lunch.

Rule number 2... when
she gets to her car,

you're not allowed



to stop your car behind her,

'causing a traffic jam
and honking your horn

because you don't think that
she's moving quite fast enough.

Maybe she has
something to do in the car.

I say that that's your
parking space until you leave,

and I don't care if
you're not doing anything

but sitting in that front
seat picking your nose.

Ew. Don't you hate when
people do that at stoplights

like you can't see them?

Mary Jo, this is
just a wild guess,

but did something like that

just happen to you at the mall?

We just need rules, that's all.

You know, you could do
that. You could make up rules.



You'd have to call them the Ten
Commandments of Parking Lots,

and every one would
start with "Thou shall not."

Then you could send it to Dear
Abby, and maybe she'd print it.

Then we could all clip it out

and carry it in our
wallets till it just fell apart.

And then I could write
in. I could say "Dear Abby,

"my copy of the Ten
Commandments for Parkers

"is just old and torn up,

"and I and many of your readers

would love it if
you'd reprint it."

And then it'd become part
of our national heritage,

and you would've done it.

I don't think that I'm ready

for that kind of fame, Charlene.

Thank you. Has
Anthony come in yet?

Don't you remember? He
went downtown this morning

for the reading of Mrs.
Carver Whitehead's will.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

What'd she want
Anthony there for anyway?

We don't know, Suzanne.

Her lawyers just said she
picked him to represent our firm.

You know, it's kind
of spooky, isn't it?

I mean, we've had a client
die in the middle of a job before,

but this is before
we even started.

I mean, we're gonna be decorating a
house for a woman who's passed on.

It's sort of like interior
decorating from beyond the grave.

We won't be working
for her, Charlene.

We'll be working for her heir,
whoever that turns out to be.

Probably some distant relative.

She lived in that big old
house all alone with her cat.

Why do old ladies
always have cats?

They are the most
useless animals.

I mean, they never do anything.

You know, they'll sit around
acting picky and superior,

taking naps,
grooming themselves,

and occasionally taking time
out to choke on a hair ball.

[coughing]

What's everybody looking at?

As I was saying,

before Suzanne
had the hair ball,

I think Mrs. Whitehead
was a very lonely person.

When she came in here,
Anthony was real sweet to her,

and she took an
instant liking to him.

You know, Anthony can
probably relate to somebody

locked up in a big
house for 20 years.

Gee, are you sure we should've
committed to this project?

We haven't even seen
the inside of the house.

Mary Jo, Mrs. Whitehead
already paid us.

It was her last wish.

None of us may have
known her very well,

but last wishes
are to be respected.

So no matter who
she wills everything to,

Sugarbaker's will complete
the job to their satisfaction.

Even though it's probably
gonna be some horrible,

over-made-up great-niece
who already has plenty of money

and who never bothered to visit
the poor woman when she was alive,

but now that she's dead,

will be only too happy
to blow into town

and start spending the money

that it took this poor
lady all her life to save.

- Julia!
- I'm sorry, but too many times

I've seen ungrateful
young people

grabbing up the remains of
their elderly relatives' estates,

and it's a horrible spectacle.

Remember when Uncle Bose died?

Oh, yes.

Oh, all the cousins
had a big fight

that went on for
about three years

over this antique
sideboard he owned.

I mean, you cannot imagine

the scratching and clawing
and greedy behavior.

And whoever sunk the
lowest was gonna get it.

Whoa. That must've
been some sideboard.

It was. Well, you've
seen it, Charlene.

It's in my front hallway.

Oh, yeah. It's nice.

- Thank you.
- [Charlene] You know what?

Y'all, I just thought
of something.

What if Mrs. Whitehead
leaves everything to Anthony?

- Wouldn't that'd be great?
- Gee.

Then we might be
working for Anthony.

That would be pretty ironic.

That'd be pretty crazy.

And I, for one, would not do it.

Afternoon, ladies.

[Julia] How'd the
reading of the will go?

Well, as it turns out,

Mrs. Carver Whitehead

had more money
than anyone expected.

A lot more. A whole lot more.

Her heir's gonna
be very well fixed

to the tune of a
couple million dollars.

Who is it? Where's our new boss?

- He's right here.
- Oh, my soul, she was crazy.

Ladies, I'd like
to introduce you

to your new
employer, Mr. Bailey.

Come on out there, buddy. Yeah.

- Oh! Her cat?
- Uh-huh.

We're gonna be
working for a cat?

- It looks that way.
- Oh, well, thank goodness.

We have worked for some
odd people in our time.

We have worked for ex-cons,
ex-hookers and ex-husbands.

We have worked for little
people, crazy people, old people.

We've even worked
for naked people.

But they always had
one thing in common...

They always were people.

Now, Julia, you said it was
what Mrs. Whitehead wanted.

It was her last request.
Mr. Bailey has the money.

I don't think we
should discriminate.

We don't. Sugarbaker's
makes it a policy

never to discriminate
against customers,

be they black, white,
red, yellow, or tan.

But we do discriminate
be they tabby.

I can't believe I'm sitting here

looking at wallpaper
samples with a cat.

I mean, I know
that in the contract

it says that a client
gets a consultation.

But I still can't believe it.

I also can't believe that
this cat is worth more

than I will make
in my entire life.

But I'll tell you what's
the most incredible thing.

- What's that?
- He's got great taste.

Really. The pages
that he's interested in

are the ones that I would pick.

[Charlene] I had
a dream last night

about a million-dollar
cat mansion.

It had a mink scratching post

and emerald flea collars

and Perrier in the cat dish

and a little bidet
next to the litter box.

You know, if you wanna use
any of those ideas, Julia, you can.

Thank you, Charlene,
but I don't think so.

No way am I showing swatches

to a furry client
with four legs.

No, Julia, you shouldn't
feel silly about that.

A lot of people set
big store by their pets.

There was a lady in Poplar Bluff

who owned a little
dog called Zippy IV.

Every day, she'd dress
him up in doll clothes

and have a little tea
party on her front porch.

And she'd bake
fresh pies and cakes

and cookies all for Zippy
IV, and he'd eat them all up.

Then she'd put him in a little baby
carriage and wheel him through town.

[Mary Jo] Boy, what a life.

Oh, I don't know. I mean,
usually, he'd escape

and come over to our
front yard and throw up.

He was always just throwing up,

throwing up, throwing up.

I mean, you can put a
dog in a designer outfit,

but if he's throwing up,
it kind of spoils the effect.

Doesn't sound
like a healthy dog.

Well, no kidding.

Why do you think
he was Zippy IV?

You know, we
need to go over there

and take a look at
Mrs. Whitehead's house.

- Is Suzanne coming?
- I don't think so.

Told her Mr. Bailey was
gonna be here today.

She'll probably just stay
home. She hates cats.

Hello, there, you sweet thing.

Lookie here, honey,
at all the lovely cat toys

Auntie Suzanne brought for you.

Look. He loves it.

I thought you hated cats.

I like this one, okay?

You know, I have
a little pig at home.

You're just gonna love her.

Mr. Bailey, you snagged
Auntie Suzanne's new silk blouse.

Well, we'll just have
to buy a new one.

You can certainly
afford it, can't you?

[phone ringing]

Hello? Sugarbaker's.

Yes, he is.

May I ask who's calling?

Just a minute, please.

This is too much.

Now he's getting calls here.

- Who is it?
- Mrs. Whitehead's lawyers

asking, "Is Mr. Bailey in?"

Anthony, do they
know Mr. Bailey's a cat?

I didn't say a word. Julia, if
you don't like working for a cat,

just think about a
bunch of lawyers doing it.

No, indeed. I did not think

it would be very good
for Mr. Bailey's health.

Someone might just decide
that'd it be easier all the way around

if the heir to the fortune
ate a bad piece of tuna,

if you get my drift.

I just said that he's
gonna be staying with us.

Uh, hello.

He can't talk right now.

He's just sitting
down to dinner.

Oh, may I ask what
this is regarding?

Oh, I see. You know he's a cat.

Well, uh, it does
complicate things,

but it was Mrs.
Whitehead's last wish.

As her lawyer, I would think

you'd be trying
to uphold her will,

not break it.

Clearly insane?

No, I don't believe Mrs.
Whitehead was clearly insane.

And you are mistaken, Mr. Alder,

if you think we're
gonna allow your offices

to defame a dead woman,

put the cat she
loved in a pound,

suck all the money
you can out of her estate

and give the rest to
the State of Georgia

just to make your life easier.

And I'll tell you
another thing, Mr. Alder.

I think it's stupid to
give that money to a cat,

but the only thing
stupider would be to give it

to lawyers like you.

Who am I?

I'll tell you who
I am, Mr. Alder.

I am Mr. Bailey's decorator.

[Julia] The nerve of that
lawyer. How dare he?

[Suzanne] Yes, Julia, we know.

[Mary Jo] You've certainly
come around on this issue, Julia.

[Julia] Mary Jo, this is no
longer about giving a cat money.

This is about the right to live
your life the way you choose

and not have your money
stolen after you're dead.

- Oh, I've got it.
- Now, I'll tell you
something else.

Not only are we gonna decorate
Mrs. Whitehead's house here,

we're gonna stand
up for this cat in court.

We'll all say, "No, Your Honor,
Mrs. Whitehead is not crazy."

This cat's gonna
need a good lawyer.

[Julia] I'll admit this
is a little eccentric.

"A little eccentric"?

License plates on the wall,

teddy bears on the mantelpiece,

a china cabinet
with fishing lures

on display.

It looks like T.G.I. Friday's.

Julia, this dude is upside down.

Thank you. I still think there may
be a very good reason for all this.

There is a very good
reason. She was crazy.

What is it about us

that draws these
people to us, hmm?

I mean, you know,
this is not the first time

that we've been
designers of choice

for somebody whose brains
have gone around the bend.

Remember Mr. Tyson?

Wanted us to wallpaper his
living room in aluminum foil.

Make a halter top
for a fire hydrant.

You all are very quick to judge.

Did y'all see what's
in the basement?

Three hundred cases of cat food

and a cat dish the
size of a hot tub.

Can we judge now, Julia?

You may not.

Oh, sure, it's easy to go
into somebody's house

when they're not there and look
around, and things seem strange.

But what if any one
of us died tonight,

and a bunch of people came in

and looked around at
our house to size us up?

What might they find?

A jigsaw puzzle in the bathroom.

Well, it's the only room that
has enough light to do them.

Aw, gee.

I got a hockey mask in
my underwear drawer.

You, too?

I only have it there

because I took it away
from Quinton last week

because he wouldn't
do his homework.

I guess that would look pretty
strange if somebody found it there,

and I wasn't there to explain.

Dirty dishes in my refrigerator
and women's high-heeled shoes,

left by my last
date, in my bathtub.

- That wouldn't look weird,
would it?
- [both] Yes.

In that case, maybe I'd
better go into the kitchen

and see if I can find a
hockey puck in the sugar bowl.

Julia, you were the
one who kept saying

that this Mrs. Whitehead
must've been a little cracked.

I know I did, Suzanne,
and I'm sorry for it.

Although I still think it's idiotic
to make a millionaire out of a cat.

It's a free country.
You're allowed to do

idiotic things with your
money if you so choose.

Oh, yes. It's the American way.

So, are we gonna decorate
the house for the cat?

I suppose. Mary Jo, any ideas?

Well, I see a
giant ball of yarn.

I don't know. I'm new at this.

Man, you talk about weird...

Oh, no. There's something
goofy in the kitchen, too.

No, not goofy, just weird.

There's fresh groceries in the
pantry and fresh cream for the cat.

They couldn't have been there more
than a day. Where'd they come from?

Well, some kind of
grocery delivery maybe.

No way. I talked
to Mrs. Whitehead

when she came to Sugarbaker's.

She said she never
let anyone in the house.

The place had been locked
up tight for seven years.

- That's what she told me.
- What else did she say?

Nothing. Just that
she would always

take care of her cat
even after she died.

Maybe that's what she's doing.

[Julia] Yes. Well,
thank you very much.

You've been very helpful. Bye.

- [phone clicks]
- [Mary Jo] What'd you find out?

I just talked to Kirby
Riffle in Reese's office.

He says the intent of the
deceased cannot be abrogated

unless the deceased is
proven non compos mentis.

Julia, what in the Sam
Hill are you talking about?

If Mrs. Whitehead wasn't
crazy, her cat gets the money.

But the argument is if she
gave her money to a cat,

she must be crazy,
therefore the will is invalid.

It's a Catch-22.
Mr. Bailey loses.

All we have to do is
think up a good reason

to give a cat $2 million.

Oh, is that all?

Oh, shoot. We can
do that before lunch.

You know what's weird?

Now, since we
know this cat is rich,

isn't he a lot more attractive?

I mean, I know the
cat's a millionaire,

so I sort of respect
his opinion, you know?

Kind of makes me cheap. Like, when
he scaled those curtains a while back.

Now, any other cat, I
would've just slapped down.

But I didn't do that to him.

I felt that he might sue me.

Well, he is a customer.

I mean, you don't slap down
customers when they touch things.

Of course, Julia
did do that once.

Let's face it. We all been kissing
up to this cat because he's rich.

- Not me.
- Oh, come on, Suzanne.

You've been sucking
up so much to this cat,

you really are
gonna get a hair ball.

I mean, I like the cat. I do.

I was thinking about
taking him home for the kids.

I'm just not so sure that I
really like him for himself,

or if I like him for that big
wad of catnip he's sitting on.

Oh, well, then, I'll take him.

- He likes me.
- [meows]

He's always coming up to me.

Suzanne, we saw you putting
that tuna juice behind your ears.

This reminds me of that old joke

about the old maid and a cat.

- [Charlene] I don't know that one.
- Oh, you know.

The old maid lives in
a house with an old cat.

The genie gives
her three wishes.

First wish, she says, "I'd
like a big, beautiful house."

Boom, she's got a
big, beautiful house.

Second wish, she says, "I'd
like to be young and gorgeous."

Boom, she's young and gorgeous.

Third wish, she asks
the genie... she says,

"I'd like you to make my old
beloved cat a young handsome man."

Boom, young, handsome man.

She's so happy. She looks
at the man and she says,

"Oh, I have
everything I want now.

"Why don't you take me upstairs

and make mad,
passionate love to me?"

And he looks at her and he says,

"You should've
thought about that

before you had me fixed."

I don't know why I'm
getting so involved in all this.

I only spoke to Mrs. Whitehead

a few times in my life.

I hardly knew her
at all when she died.

It's something about
being in her house.

I kind of feel like I'm
getting to know her.

I kind of feel like I'm
making friends with her now.

Good timing, Julia.

Woman doesn't have
a friend for 20 years,

and you buddy up to
her now she's dead.

I just can't help thinking
that as crazy as she

may appeared to have
been, she wasn't really crazy.

Kirby says a character witness

would be very
helpful to her case.

If we just knew one person
who knew her very well.

It seems that she stayed locked
up in that house all the time.

She'll always be
a mystery to us.

There's no way we
can help Mr. Bailey?

Well, there's one thing
Kirby says we can do.

We can go to court
and suggest a guardian.

Oh, can I ask a purely
hypothetical question, as a cat lover?

No, Suzanne. The guardian would
not have access to the cat's money.

Hey, look what I found.

- What is it?
- Some of Mrs. Whitehead's
papers.

Well, I don't think we should
be reading her personal papers.

I didn't mean to. I
was moving her desk,

and this was wedged behind it.

It's a handwritten
copy of her will.

- What's it say?
- A lot of stuff that's not
in the lawyer's copy,

but mostly directions to Mr. Bailey
on how to spend his money.

People give you a little
money, they think they own you.

Look at this. Mrs.
Whitehead made provisions

for Mr. Bailey to
have a guardian.

Oh, really? That'll make things
easier. Who'd she appoint?

It says here Mr. Bailey
gets to choose.

We're right back
where we started.

Well, not necessarily.

Come here, Mr. Bailey.

Come over here.

Put you down.

Now... Wait. Wait. There.

[clicking tongue] Yeah.

Choose, Mr. Bailey.

Oh, I have to take
myself out of the running.

I just love him, but they don't
let me have pets in my building.

Charlene, with that cat,
you could buy your building.

Suzanne, be quiet. Give
Mr. Bailey a chance to choose.

[purring]

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Suzanne!

[meows]

- Well! Whoa, there,
Mr. Bailey.
- [meows]

Well, how ya doing,
Bailey boy? Huh?

He chose a delivery
boy? Does that count?

Who are all of you?

We're, uh, Mrs.
Whitehead's decorators.

Oh. Oh, Evelyn's
decorating, is she?

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll just put that food away.

- [Julia] Excuse me, Mr., uh...
- Hale. Joe Hale.

Mr. Hale, I hate to
have to tell you this,

but Mrs. Whitehead
has passed away.

Oh. Well, I knew it was coming.

Well, God bless her.

She was a very
interesting woman.

- Do you make deliveries
to this house?
- No.

I'm not a regular delivery boy.

No, I... I own a pharmacy
around the corner.

I've just been bringing Evelyn

a few things that she
needed from time to time.

So you're the one who's been
taking care of her and Mr. Bailey?

Oh, it's no trouble.

Besides, I like to come here

and sneak a peek
at her collections.

Like that license
plate. Alaska, 1921.

That's worth about 10 grand.

Ten thousand dollars for something
off an Eskimo's pickup truck?

[laughs]

Yes. And... And
those teddy bears.

Well, those are Steiffs.
They're very rare.

We didn't know
they were Steiffs.

We thought they were just toys.

Oh, but the prize
of her collection

is right over here
in this cabinet.

Yes, indeed.
These fishing lures.

Now, you take a look
at that one on the right.

That's a Haskell's minnow.

One just sold at auction
recently, brought $22,000.

Would you be willing
to stand up in court

and testify that having all these
things in your house is perfectly normal?

[chuckling] No way.

Oh, no. You gotta be a
lot sharper than normal

to put a collection
like this together.

And she was one sharp
lady right to the very end.

Mr. Hale, can you tell us

why that picture's
hung upside down?

Oh, yes. I did that for
Evelyn a few years ago.

She wasn't well, you know,

and she used to
spend a lot of time

lying down on that couch.

And she said that if that
picture was upside down,

that she could see
her late husband

much better from her position.

- Does that make sense?
- I think it's a very wonderful
and logical explanation.

Mr. Hale, we're very concerned

that Mrs. Whitehead's
last wishes be carried out.

- Maybe you could help us.
- Well, I'll try.

Uh, what was her last wish?

- It's a little unusual.
- No, it's very unusual.

She wants to leave
all her money to a cat.

To Mr. Bailey?

Well, that makes sense
to me. He earned it.

- [Julia] He did?
- Yes.

I suppose he did odd jobs
around the neighborhood.

Don't you recognize this cat?

This cat is a celebrity.

Mr. Bailey played Fluffy,
the Kitty Yum-Yums cat.

- Oh, you may not remember that,
but he was a star.
- Yes.

- Weren't you, baby?
- Did he used to do the samba
around a big cat dish?

- I remember that.
- Oh!

- From downstairs. Now it all makes sense.
- Yeah.

Mr. Hale, the state is
challenging Mrs. Whitehead's will.

They need a character witness

to testify that
she wasn't senile.

- I'll be glad to do it.
- Oh! There's just
one more thing.

Until the court
makes its decision,

would you be willing
to keep Mr. Bailey?

Well, I already
have a couple cats.

But, uh, Mr. Bailey?

It would be an honor.

Come on, Bailey boy.

♪ Kitty, yum, yum, yum, yum ♪

♪ Kitty, yum, yum, yum, yum ♪

Bye-bye. Bye, Mr. Bailey.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA