Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Naked Truth - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

- [Mary Jo] Charlene? - Hmm?

You're awful quiet today.
What are you thinking about?

Oh, nothing.

I was just wondering what
Dan Quayle's doing right now.

I know it's crazy,

but I was thinking
about calling him.

You're gonna call Dan Quayle?

I bet I could get through.

They said on the news last night

he's not doing much of anything.



I was just gonna call him
up and say something like,

"Hang in there, Dan.
You're doing a good job.

You keep your chin up, Dan."
You know, something like that.

I'd work on that a little more.

I wouldn't be thinking about it

except I'm feeling
kind of blah myself.

I don't know. Something
about after the holidays.

You know, it's not
Christmas anymore,

but it's not spring
or summer yet.

Yeah, I know.

I always get the blues
after Christmas myself.

I start noticing all
those little things

that are wrong with my life,

like this closet that I've
been meaning to clean out



for about 19 years.

I mean, I started thinking
last night, you know,

I just plain don't want
to clean that closet out.

Maybe I'd just wait and see
if the house burned down first.

You know, all those
holiday bills rolling in.

Kids have both got colds.

I'll tell you, that fudge
and divinity in my freezer

is the only thing that's
getting me through this winter.

This morning, I took
Brownie over to the vet.

He told me that he
had a severe overbite

and should be castrated
to protect the breed.

Boy, castrated. That
seems a little harsh.

To have your manhood clipped

just because you
have buck teeth.

I don't think so. I hate
men with buck teeth.

Suzanne, you don't even know
what we were talking about.

I don't have to. It's
always something silly.

Like yesterday, when I
walked in and you were wishing

that you and Bill could
have more romantic names

like Wade and Roxanne.

That's the kind of stuff
you talk about all the time.

Suzanne, I don't recall
addressing any of that to you.

I didn't say you addressed
it to me, Charlene.

I don't wait to be
addressed by other women

because, quite frankly, there's a lot
of them who don't care much for me,

and I'll be the
first to admit it.

What is it?

I mean, why are we all
in such a rotten mood?

Well, I am in a rotten mood
because I'm sick and tired

of going out on dates with
old men and their nurses.

Suzanne, you were supposed
to pick me up a half an hour ago.

We will never make it to
the airport on time now.

Yes, we will, Julia.

I'll just drive on the
freeway shoulder.

And then if we get stopped,
I'll say you have some sort

of little female
hemorrhaging problem

and I gotta get you to
the hospital real fast.

I mean, you'd be surprised

how quick that gets
them back in their cars.

Gee, aren't y'all excited

about seeing your
nieces for the first time?

Yes, I am.

Come on, Suzanne. Let's go.

That reminds me. Clayton
called when you were upstairs.

He wanted to know if
his daughters had arrived.

What? I can't believe it.

He only sees them
once a year himself,

and he's checking up on them?

Suzanne, it's
not Clayton's fault

he only sees them once a year.

Yes, it is. If he hadn't
married and had children

with someone who hates his guts

and hates our
whole family's guts,

we wouldn't have had to
wait so long to see them.

I can't believe we had
to wait till they grew up.

- Come on, Suzanne.
- All right. I'm coming.

[phone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, yes, she is. May
I ask who's calling?

All right. Just a
moment, please.

It's for you.

- Who is it?
- A Tom Ketcherside.

Tom Ketcherside?

What on earth? I
can't believe this.

Hello? Tom, is that you?

I had no idea you
were living in Atlanta.

Oh. Well, I'm sure we would.

Yeah, listen, Tom, I'm on
my way out to the airport now,

but my partners could
probably come over

and check it out this afternoon.

Then we could get together
and talk about it later.

What's the address?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Say about 2:00? Okay.

They will be there.

Yeah, great to talk to you, too.

Goodbye, Tom.

Tom Ketcherside.

I can't believe it. He's
an old school friend.

This is, uh, some kind of
condo game room or something.

Mary Jo, are you sure
this is the right place?

[Charlene] Oh, my gosh.

[whispering] Nobody
here has any clothes on.

I know. I think we should go.

Hi. I'm Tom Ketcherside.

Are you the guys
from Sugarbaker's?

[Mary Jo] Yes, we are.

How do you do?

Nice to see... meet you.

Hi.

Listen, I have to apologize.
Julia was in such a hurry,

I didn't get a
chance to tell her

I live in a nudist colony.

I halfway felt that she knew

because a few of our
mutual friends know.

Trust me, she doesn't know.

The state police know
y'all are doing this?

Oh, sure. It's perfectly legal

as long as we stay
on our own property.

We live just like
everybody else,

except we don't wear clothes.

Listen, why don't we go
over here and sit down,

and you all can
introduce yourselves?

Uh, well, I'm Charlene, this is
Mary Jo, and this is Anthony.

I think that's about it.

Listen, I know this is
uncomfortable at first,

but I promise you,
you'll get used to it.

And by the way,

I've heard great things
about your business.

You have?

Oh, sure.

You mean, we have a
reputation among nudists?

Hey, I have a lot of friends
who are just normal people.

For that matter, we're
just normal people, too.

I'm sure we're
just like the people

who live in your
own neighborhood.

Isn't that right, Anthony?

Well, I wouldn't know.
There are not that many

naked white people running
around my neighborhood.

So, uh, you're an old
school friend of Julia's?

That's right.

We went out a few
times at Chapel Hill.

She's a beautiful girl.
I'll bet she's held up well.

Oh, yes, she has.

Not that I've seen her.

I'm sure you've held
up very well, too.

Not that I'm looking.

Well, I think we'd
better be going.

We've got that
other appointment,

and you wanted to pick
up a pecan log at Stuckey's.

Right.

But we haven't even
talked about the furniture yet.

And we want new carpeting.

Uh, what kind of furniture
do you see in here?

Well, gee, let me
think. Uh... I don't know.

I guess for starters,
we can eliminate wicker.

[Charlene] Mary Jo, do you really
think Julia's gonna go for this?

I mean, for all
her liberal ideas,

she's really kind of a
prude. I just can't picture her

standing in the middle of a
big gang of naked people.

Well, she doesn't have to.

I mean, we could
do the fieldwork.

And, I mean, you know,
if she doesn't like the idea,

then she can handle
her end from the office,

so to speak.

Anyway, I mean, you know, these
people aren't breaking any laws.

I think it would be wrong of us

to discriminate against them
just 'cause they're naked.

Well, if my mama and daddy knew

I was gonna be working
in a nudist colony,

they'd drive down
here and get me.

I mean, I wouldn't
want to live that way,

but I guess they
do make a point.

What point?

I don't know. I guess that we
sort of hide behind our clothes.

Thank goodness.

I don't know. I thought
it was pretty interesting.

Did you see that one man?

Yeah, I saw him.

And I thought all
men looked alike.

Boy, was I wrong.

Well, that's it for
me. I'm out of here.

I just hated feeling
so immature,

but I just could
not stop looking.

I know. I've never seen that
many naked people in a group

except in National Geographic.

You know, and these people
looked better than those people.

Maybe gravity's
harder on you in Africa.

I wonder why people find
nudity so fascinating, you know,

and why it makes
people so uptight.

I guess 'cause it's forbidden.

I remember when I was a kid,

my girlfriend and I had never
seen a naked man before.

And she came over one
night to spend the night.

And my brother Robert,
he never wore pajamas,

and he was a real sound sleeper.

Anyway, he'd fallen
asleep on top of his covers.

So my girlfriend and
I each got a flashlight,

and we set them up on a big stack
of books about 3 feet from Odell,

and we just kind
of spotlighted him.

He woke up screaming.

He thought he was
being run down by a car.

Charlene, that is one of the most
bizarre stories I've ever heard.

Well, here they are!

Why, we'd just about
given up on y'all.

Well, Jennifer couldn't
get her hair dry,

and we missed our plane.

Mary Jo, Charlene, this
is Camilla and Jennifer.

- Hi. So nice to meet you.
- Welcome. How do you do?

You know, I still cannot believe

those silly airport
security people

decided to search my suitcases.

I mean, like I
look like a terrorist.

Jennifer, it was just
a random spot check.

Anyway, if you didn't
travel with so much luggage,

we wouldn't be so conspicuous.

Camilla, I assure you,

I would be conspicuous
no matter how I traveled.

Furthermore, I do not appreciate
having a pack of wild dogs

slobber all over my
underwear and hairpieces.

One well-behaved
German Shepherd.

Excuse me. Did I hear you
say you have hairpieces?

- Yeah. Why?
- No reason.

I just didn't know
they were back in style.

They are for Jennifer.

She's worn them
since she was little.

Big hair and tiaras.

We can't figure it out.

I'll go out to the car
and get the rest later.

Thanks, Aunt Suzanne.

You know, I'm
sorry I can't help,

but this pinched nerve
is just giving me fits.

Oh, that's all right.

I usually have a
pinched nerve myself.

I just forgot to mention
it before you did.

[Julia] Well, you little
darlings just relax.

I'm going to go get you a snack.

I'll bet you're hungry.

Oh, that's all
right, Aunt Julia.

We ate on the plane.

I ate on the plane.
Cam hated hers.

She told the stewardess

the soup tasted
like cattle spit.

That was only because she
wouldn't give me two desserts.

If there's one thing I hate,

it's a perky,
self-righteous, flying bimbo.

Well, here we are.

Some cheese and crackers

and some wonderful
smoked sausage

from Virginia that
I got for Christmas.

Oh, none for me, thank you.

I don't eat animal flesh.

Oh. Jennifer, how about you?

Do you have any thinly sliced
veal in a light cream sauce?

I'm sorry. I did, but I
had it for breakfast.

Oh, that's all right.

I can just wait till we go out.

So is this your
first time in Atlanta?

- Yes.
- Where do y'all go to school?

I go to Yale.

Jennifer goes to Southern State.

That's in Mississippi.

And thanks to Aunt Suzanne,

I'm a Pi Phi legacy.

That means they had to take her.

It does not.

You can be a legacy
and still be blackballed.

We did it to a girl
from Pascagoula.

So how long do y'all
get for semester break?

I get about a week.

Jennifer gets longer.

Why's that?

She got put on probation

for dating the chancellor.

His wife is the Dean of Women.

I didn't even know
he was married.

But that's all right.

I've had trouble with
jealous females all my life.

Even in kindergarten,
some of the uglier little girls

would stick gum in my hairpiece.

I can't believe it.

That is amazing.

That same thing happened to me.

Well, I'm going
upstairs and freshen up.

Why don't you? And
then, when you come down,

we'll talk about you some more.

You know, being on that
plane just wrecked my skin.

Jennifer, don't take
your things upstairs.

I thought maybe you
could stay with me.

Good. And Camilla can
stay here in the guest room,

if that's all right.

Fine with me.

Now, which one of you
has the live-in maid?

I do.

I'm yours.

Well, good morning.

Y'all must have stayed
out late last night.

No, we just stayed
up late talking.

Camilla's still asleep.

Pretty sharp little
cookie, isn't she?

Yeah. She's got quite
a mouth on her, too.

What do you mean?

I just couldn't get
a word in edgewise.

I guess I've just never
met anyone so young

who has an opinion
on virtually everything,

from Iran-Contra to the
decadence of the preppie lifestyle.

Sounds like she's
right up your alley.

Yes. I like a person
with convictions.

I just kind of think
that someone so young

should be a little more
unformed and carefree.

Not that she isn't
perfectly darling.

She's just so young.

In time, she will figure out

that she must temper
her opinions with humor.

She can't go around
lecturing people

on every topic that comes up.

Why not? You do.

Don't be silly. I
certainly do not.

Julia, you do, too.

I cannot believe
that you don't see it.

Camilla is you at 19.

Mary Jo, you didn't
even know me then.

Well, I didn't have to.

I cannot believe it.

You can't see it.

She has your
mouth, your attitude.

Who else would use a phrase like

"perky, self-righteous,
flying bimbo"?

Well, I guess maybe
she's a little like me.

Julia, we have to
talk. Where's Camilla?

Upstairs. Why?

Jennifer and I just
aren't working out.

I think we should switch.

Jennifer can stay with
you. Cam can stay with me.

Why? What happened?

Well, nothing happened.
We just didn't hit it off well.

Everything seemed
okay last night at dinner.

Okay? [chuckles]

Yeah, well, I guess it's okay

if you enjoy going
to a restaurant

with a teenage nymphet who
thinks every man in the place

has got the big pants for her.

Suzanne, this is our
niece we're talking about.

Let's have a little
more tolerance

and better choice of words.

Tolerance?

Listen, Julia.

I love her because she's family,

but I have to tell you

this girl is just
completely self-absorbed.

I mean, last night she let me
carry all the luggage upstairs

because Consuela was out.

Then she took a bath.
Used up all the hot water.

Not to mention she asked me

to bring her a cup of tea
while she was in there.

It took her three and a half
hours to get ready for dinner.

I mean, please. I never
take longer than two.

Then we got home. She proceeds

to make all these long-distance
phone calls charged to me.

And even wrote her
boyfriend's phone number

in eyeliner pencil
on a guest towel.

Can you believe it?

I mean, she acts
as if the entire world

is just there for her disposal.

Now, I wonder who
that sounds like.

I can't believe you all.

What do you mean?

Suzanne, has it occurred to you

that maybe you're having
a problem with Jennifer

because she's
usurping your territory?

I don't even know
what usurping means.

It means that you are too much
like Jennifer to appreciate her

just like Cam is
too much like Julia.

It's true. I cannot believe how
much these girls are like you two.

I mean, they even
bicker like you.

Bicker? We don't bicker
all that much, do we?

Well, I certainly
didn't think so.

You all aren't even aware of it

because you've been
doing it all your lives.

You know, I did used
to wish that, you know,

we were more alike so I
could talk to you about makeup

and hair and money and men,

but now I don't
think I would like it.

I know.

I used to wish I
could talk to you, too.

About what?

Anything.

But now see, I probably
wouldn't like it, either.

I guess I sort of like being
the mouth in the family.

In a way, I sort of like
your getting on my nerves

and being the shallow one.

I guess I kind of
like your insults, too.

You know, I don't know why.

It kind of makes me feel secure.

I know what you mean.

And if you were
known as the pretty one,

well, it wouldn't
be half as much fun

for me to be the pretty one.

- Suzanne?
- What?

You went one too far.

Sorry.

Okay, I just went out
to Tom Ketcherside's,

and here are the rest of the
measurements for the carpet.

And let me tell y'all.

If you thought it was
tough going standing up,

you ought to try
it from knee level.

Woo-hoo.

Talk about trying to keep
your eyes on one place.

Tom Ketcherside.
I completely forgot.

How did it go?

You mean you haven't told her?

Well, we really
haven't had a chance.

Told me what?

Well, Anthony, why
don't you tell her?

No, thank you, Charlene.

I'll leave that up
to you and Mary Jo.

Oh, by the way, Tom wants
you to bring the sketches

by Friday at 4:00
to show the board.

Uh, yeah, I don't see why not.

Okay, you can call him.

Oh, by the way,

they want you to replace
those burlap barstools.

It seems a couple of
people got rug burn.

[Mary Jo] We'll make a note.

What is he talking about?

Well, we were going
to tell you, Julia.

Tell me what?

Well, when we went out there,

it was a little
bit of a surprise.

Let me ask you something.

How well did you
know Tom in college?

Well, we just went out
together once or twice.

It was no big deal.

Did you ever see him naked?

Of course not.

Well, get set.
You're going to now.

What are you all talking about?

Tom is a member of... a colony.

You mean he's a leper?

No, silly, a nudist.

Tom Ketcherside?

You must be kidding.

Oh, no, Julia, take it from
me. We are not kidding.

We saw everything and then some.

Do you mean to tell me
that when you met with him

he didn't have any clothes on?

Honey, nobody
had any clothes on.

I'm telling you it was
this huge game room

just full of arms and legs

and breasts and
hoo-has and wah-hoos.

I mean, it was right...

Julia, if you had been
there, you would have died.

Wait a minute. You mean men
and women are just walking around

in front of each other
in their birthday suits?

That's right.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I mean, what's the
point of getting married

if you can see somebody
naked without paying for it?

[Mary Jo] You're not mad at us

for accepting the job, are you?

No, why should I be mad at you?

I suppose we should just treat
them as we would any other client.

Yeah, we probably
make way too big a deal

out of people not
wearing clothes anyway.

Like in college in my art class,

there were always
these two silly women

who'd giggle every time the
nude male model walked in.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just hate that when
people act so immature.

Yeah, me, too.

So who's all going on Friday?

Julia, I'm sure
you'll want to go

because you'll want to see Tom.

I mean, I'm sure
he wants to see you.

And I have to go
because I did the sketches.

You going to go, Charlene?

Oh, I don't know. Yeah,
I suppose I could go.

Well, if you're all going
to go, I'm going to go, too.

What for?

Look around.

Boy, I don't know about y'all,

but I don't think that
that could've gone better.

I mean, was it just me, or did
they love every single sketch?

They loved them, Mary Jo.

I thought we
covered this in the car.

Julia, I just have to say again

that I thought you
were incredible.

I mean, here this completely
nude man that you used to date

walks up and kisses you,
and you didn't bat an eyelash.

I mean, I don't know how you
did it. I don't know how he did it.

I mean, to me that
would be like going

to your high school
reunion naked.

Talk about pressure.

Well, if you asked me,

there weren't all that many
good-looking bodies out there.

I mean, compared to
backstage at Miss America,

it was slim pickings.

You know what I say?

I say what Grandmother
used to say.

If it doesn't look good,

don't stick it out
on your front porch.

[Julia] Here they are,

the little darlings
all ready to go.

All packed for the
airport, and I got to say

it's a good thing we
own a moving van.

Anthony, I wish
you'd stop teasing me.

I don't have all
that much luggage.

Jennifer, get serious.

Traveling with you is like
being on Cleopatra's barge.

Now, don't be too
hard on your sister.

When you get
older you'll find out

that you like her
more than you think.

That's right. And just remember,

when she's annoying you
and you're insulting her,

well, then everything's
the way it's supposed to be.

Suzanne, I'm sorry I
burned your bedspread

with my curling iron.

Oh, that's all right.
It's no big deal.

Yeah, that's what
I kind of figured.

I mean, anybody
who owns a pig...

Okay, Jennifer, let's roll.

- Bye, Mary Jo.
- Bye-bye.

- Bye, Charlene.
- Y'all come back and visit.

Don't forget to write us.

Oh, I don't write letters,

but you all can
call me if you want.

Thank you, Jennifer.
That's very kind.

Anthony, do you suppose we
could stop at a drug store on the way?

I need to get some blush on

with some little
sparkly stuff in it.

We are not stopping.

If you want red cheeks,

why don't I just
slap them for you?

I still cannot believe it.
They're exactly like you two.

Well, now maybe things
can get back to normal.

Yeah, if you call working
with naked people normal.

Charlene, I thought we were
going to stop talking like that.

I thought we were going to
return to acting like mature adults.

That's right. I forgot.

Come on, Julia.

Now, we know that
you took art classes

and that you're hip and
cool and sophisticated,

but you tell the truth now.

Didn't it kind of throw
you just a little bit?

Well, maybe just a little.

I mean, like when you're
talking to people, you know,

and you try to keep
your eyes level with theirs

because that is the
mature thing to do.

But tell me the truth.

Every once in a little while,

didn't you just go like that?

Well, maybe once or twice.

I did notice that man
with fur on his back.

Did you notice him?

Notice him?

How could you not notice?
I thought he had on a vest.

And how about that man he
was playing ping pong with?

I mean, he was so... tall.

That could be dangerous.

He looks like he works out.

I don't think I've ever
seen a behind so firm.

It didn't look that firm to me.

I bet you it's fake.

Did you see his wife?

We are talking Silicon City.

Oh, you are kidding
me. I didn't know that.

Oh, sure. It wasn't
even a good job.

I mean, it looked like
a couple of party hats.

Which one was she?

[chatter]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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