Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 6 - Hard Hats and Lovers - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Charlene] Come on, I like
everywhere you take me.

Anyway, it doesn't
matter where we go

as long as we're together.

Um, no, not exactly.
Just Suzanne.

I don't know if she can hear me.

I love you, too.

She can hear me.

Mm-hmm. Okay,
I'll see you tonight.

[clears throat]

[kisses]



Who's that, Bill?

No, it was the dry cleaners.

Said I could pick up
my clothes after work.

Suzanne, how many more of
these things do I have to make?

Well, I only agreed to do
50, so I guess about 10 more.

What is this for anyway?

It's a benefit to help renovate
the old Royal Theatre.

I'd ask you and Bill,

but, you know, it's just for
country club members only.

That's okay. We're sort
of into staying at home.

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

♪ All dressed in white ♪

Suzanne, don't be silly.

We haven't known each other
long enough to get married.



Anyway, Bill was only 21
when he first got married,

so I want him to enjoy
his time as a bachelor.

So you mean he's
dating other people?

No, he's dating only me.

How much fun can that be?

I mean, it's not like he's
getting to sow his wild oats.

I wouldn't exactly say that.

His oats are
being taken care of.

Well, if he got married
the first time at 21

and he's only dated
you since his wife died,

well, I guess he's started
playing the field pretty young.

Well, he married his
childhood sweetheart.

He's never dated
anyone but Nancy and me.

Well, I am here to tell you

one of the worst things
you can possibly do

is to marry someone who
hadn't been around the pasture

at least once or twice.

First of all, he will resent
you for depriving him

of all those other
women, and second,

he'll always be wondering if the
grass wasn't greener on the other side.

How do you know so
much about all this?

Well, my third husband,
Jay Benton Stonecipher,

never dated anyone but me.

Of course in my case,

he never wondered if anyone
could possibly be any better

because of course
that would be absurd,

but now, for me
it was just no fun.

I mean, I like to hear about
how other women fall short.

Well, Suzanne, I
don't have that need.

Anyway, I think
Bill's very happy.

Wait about a couple years

when you two are old
and tired and married,

and he realizes you kept him

from having some of
the best times of his life.

Gee, I don't know. I never
thought about it like that.

[Mary Jo] Yeah, right, bub...

- [Men whistling, hooting]
- and the same to you!

[Men] A-woo!

[Charlene] What's the matter?

Aw, nothing, just the
usual hard-hat onslaught

from those jerks
working across the street.

They used to just hoot
and holler and whistle.

Now they're making
some kind of hissing noise.

[Mary Jo] Yeah, I know.

I have this fantasy that
one day I'll be walking by,

I'm all cute and innocent,

and they all start
yelling, you know,

and making that vulgar noise

when all of a sudden
I wheel around

with an M16 rifle in my hands,

my face is covered with fur,

and there's a little
trickle of saliva

coming right off
this fang, and I say,

"Excuse me. Are
you talking to me?"

[imitates machine gun]

Well, they never make
any kind of noises at me.

Oh, what do they
do to you, Suzanne?

Well, when I just get out of
my Mercedes, they applaud.

And then they just kind
of yell things, you know,

like, "Hey, gorgeous.
Hey, beautiful.

"Hey, best-looking
woman left on Earth."

Yeah, yeah. We get the picture.

Suzanne, that is not true.

I was with you yesterday,
and they were yelling stuff like

"All right, get
down, hot stuff."

Okay, so I was paraphrasing.

Well, the point is that it's
just a perfectly ridiculous way

for grown men to
behave in public.

Boy, one of them really
got onto Julia today.

I mean, he would
just not let up.

Which one?

Charlene, if you must know,

he's wearing a "No
Fat Chicks" T-shirt.

Oh. Oh, him. He's had
that on since last summer.

I hate him.

Makes you wonder
about his wife, doesn't it?

I mean, does she kiss
him goodbye in the morning

and say, "Gee, honey,
"you sure look handsome

"in your No Fat Chicks T-shirt.

"Hope I didn't put
too much starch in it.

Have a nice day."

Julia, what did he say to you?

Charlene, why do you always
want to know these things?

Oh, just curious.
Come on, we all told.

All right, Charlene, if
you must know, he said,

[grunts]

"Looking good.

"I want it. I need it.

Got to, got to have it now."

Julia always gets
that kind of stuff.

I'm telling you, it's that
cocky little way she walks.

Suzanne, it has nothing
to do with the way I walk.

It has to do with the culture
that encourages some men

to embarrass women
as public sexual objects

in the dim hope

that somehow it will
allow the men in question

to cling to their
ill-imagined superiority.

That's right, and furthermore,

a woman has a right to
walk down the city street

any way she wants to without
being sexually harassed,

and I don't care if she's a
nymphomaniac and naked.

Well, it's good to see you have
this morning's topic off and rolling.

Hi, Anthony.

You're just the person
I wanted to talk to.

Me? What did I do?

You know those hard
hats across the street

who've been harassing
all the women around here?

[Anthony] Uh-huh.

Well, this morning I just
had all that I could take,

so I walked right
up to the ringleader...

Oh, that would be
Mr. "No Fat Chicks".

Correct.

That's correct, and
you know what I did?

I invited them all
over here tomorrow

for coffee and doughnuts.

Julia.

Is that an interesting
idea or what?

Have you just
completely lost your mind?

No, Suzanne, I have
not lost my mind.

I've lost my patience.

We're not going to put up
with their abuse any longer.

You all, think about it.
This is a brilliant idea.

See, if they get to know us,

it'll make it impossible

for them to yell dirty
things at us because that...

It'll embarrass them.

That's right, and
maybe in the meanwhile

we'll be raising their
consciousness a little bit,

providing, of
course, it turns out

that they are
actually conscious.

Uh-huh, I see. And exactly
where do I fit into all this?

Well, I just told them that you'd
like to have a word with them

when they came over.

You told them I
wanted to talk to them?

Gosh, Anthony.

I think you can provide a
very positive male viewpoint

on how it makes
you feel, as a man,

to see your fellow
workers, females,

treated in a shabby
and demeaning fashion.

No.

Now, I think Julia
and Mary Jo are right.

I think these guys are going
to end up respecting you.

So what do you say, Anthony?

Help.

[Charlene] You know what I love?

I love steaks cooked in
the fireplace in the winter.

Yeah? And what else?

I love a man who
lets me wear his socks

when my feet are cold.

[chuckles]

You know what I love about you?

What?

Everything.

[both moan]

- Bill?
- Hmm?

Hve you ever thought
about dating other women?

As opposed to what?

Opposed to only me.

I mean, after all,
in your whole life,

you've only been
out with two people.

Maybe deep down inside you're
starting to resent me just a little bit

because I'm keeping you
out of other people's pastures.

Charlene, is this
leading up to something?

Well, I've just been thinking.

How can we have
a good relationship

if you've got all
these other women

you need to get
out of your system?

I see we got our new
issue of Cosmo today.

Oh, come on. This is serious.

I mean, how can we
have any kind of a future

if you don't have
any kind of a past?

Charlene, you don't know
everything about my past.

Well, you said you'd only
been with one other person.

That's right.

I'm with one person now,
the person I want to be with.

I don't know. I guess
I'm just a simple guy,

but I enjoy having 5 foot
10 of beautiful blonde,

and 2 yards of
leg line next to me,

and the fact that
I'm in love with her

just makes it that
much more exciting,

which is probably the reason
that I've wandered around

mumbling "Thank you,
God," 15 or 20 times a day.

Yeah, but maybe if you
went out with somebody else,

you know, just once or twice,

I'd feel more secure.

Charlene, you want to tell
me what's going on here?

Have you met somebody
that you want to date?

No, of course not.

Doesn't matter
about me. I've dated.

You know, I don't much care for the
way you throw that word "dated" around,

but as long as
we're on that subject,

just exactly how many
people have we dated?

Well, enough to know that I
wouldn't be wondering later on

what I'd missed out on.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't
mind you wondering a little bit.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'm not especially
thrilled with the notion

that you can find
contentment with me

now that you've
systematically eliminated

the entire Seventh Fleet.

Bill, I cannot believe
that you said that.

For your information,

my past happens to be
a very old-fashioned one.

Well, let's get to it. Exactly
how old-fashioned was it?

I don't have to
answer that question.

I'm not going to. I'm
going to get my coat.

Charlene, now, don't go.

I apologize. I was out of line.

Look, why can't we do this
like two mature, adult people?

It'll only be for
a little while.

All right. All right.

If it's what you
really want to do,

let's get it over with.

How many people
do I have to date?

Enough to know that
I'm the only one you want.

Well, I know that now.

Okay, then five.

Five?

I see.

Does that number
just happen to coincide

with any significant
number in your life?

No, it's just a
nice, round figure.

And are you going to be
dating other people, too?

No. Well, I mean, I will if
it'll make you feel better.

No, that's okay.

I don't see any reason we
should both have to suffer.

I'll go it alone.

You're very noble.

Well, I'm just that kind of guy.

Well, before I
begin my sentence,

I have one final request.

What's that?

Well, it involves you
lying down like this,

and then we place
our lips just so,

and then I start by
taking my socks back.

[Charlene giggles]

Suzanne said that
a lot of her friends

got married without
dating other people.

Well, it never worked out,

so we're just going
to try it for a little while.

What I want to know, Charlene,

is when did you start listening
to Suzanne's advice on love?

Yeah, if you're that desperate,

why don't you just
pick up the phone

and call Mike Tyson for tips?

Gee, it's passed 10:00.

The hard hats are late.

You'd think they don't
have any manners.

Anthony, are you all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just going over some
last-minute notes on my talk.

"Last" being the operative word.

Anthony, have a doughnut.

No, thanks, Mary
Jo. I just threw up.

You're not going to
do that thing, are you?

What thing?

You know how you laugh
hysterically when you get nervous?

Oh, no, Mary Jo. I'm just fine.

Well, you all are never going
to believe what I just heard.

Charlene, did you and Bill decide
to date other people last night?

Yeah, well, I
mean, he's going to.

Well, he certainly
didn't waste any time.

Talk about coincidences.

I just sat next to
Mimi Hollinsworth

at the dance
committee breakfast,

and it seems her date, Don
DiMaschita, has the mumps.

So now she's going
with Colonel Bill Stillfield.

Oh, I didn't even
know he knew a Mimi.

All I can say is it's a good thing
you opened the old barn door

because obviously
this bull wanted out.

I can't believe it.

I mean, he didn't
even want to date.

I practically had to beat him.

You should've heard
Mimi drooling over him.

Seems she's had her
eye on him for a long time.

Boy, and you should've
seen the way he was acting

trying to take my socks off.

Yeah, Charlene, just
remember this was your idea.

Well, yeah, but I didn't think

he was going to run out the
door with his pants on fire.

Not to worry. This is
where the fun begins.

Now, as your coach, I intend
to take care of everything.

[Charlene] Suzanne,
what are you doing?

I'm calling Randy Pennington.

Who's that?

He's your date for the dance.

He's not much, but
he's all that's left.

And he is a member of the club.

Suzanne, I can't
go to that dance.

I mean, I don't even
have a costume.

So? Don't worry.
We'll get you one.

I'm going as Liz
Taylor, of course.

And, um, you could
be Marilyn Monroe.

Don't worry. Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.

Hello, Randy?

Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Listen, Randy. Good news.

I found you a date.

Yes, I know
everyone's tried to help.

I bet you had given up.

Well, anyway, I have somebody.

I'll call you later
tonight with details.

Oh, Randy, what movie
star are you going as?

Mickey Rooney.

Uh-huh.

Very good choice.

I'll tell her.

Yes, okay. Bye.

Suzanne, I... I just
don't know about this.

Trust me, Charlene.

This is my field of expertise.

Charlene, Suzanne and I once had

a mutual friend named Robert.

He was having
marital difficulties.

Suzanne became his coach.

After a few months,
he became Roberta.

It's just something
to think about.

You know, Julia, I don't
think I appreciate that.

[knock at door]

Okay, everybody,
man your battle stations.

They're here.

Anthony, you okay?

[laughs]

And so, it just seems
to me that in expressing

our manly appreciation
toward women

certain things are less
appropriate than others.

For example, what I think

these ladies don't
particularly appreciate

are things like, "Whoo!
Ooh, baby, baby."

[kissing noise]

and [growls]

[laughs]

It even makes me feel silly
to stand in here and do them.

And so in closing,

I just hope that you all
might think how you would feel

if someone behaved like that

toward your mother
or wife or daughter.

Then again, you might not
want to think about that at all.

That's certainly
your prerogative.

But it's good that we
had this time together

to vent our feelings
and become friends.

Thank you, Anthony.
Any comments?

Yeah, I have a further comment.

Mama, you fine as
wine. You got to be mine

'cause I love your
visible panty line.

[all howl]

Hey, man, we got
to do this again.

You guys are so much more foxy

than those broads
over at the bank.

[belch]

[Man] Sugarbaker.

Yes, and thank you for coming.

Well, Julia, that was
certainly stimulating.

They're just getting a kick out
of it 'cause they know we hate it.

As far as I'm
concerned, this is war.

Boy, that Mr. No Fat Chicks

can sure put away the doughnuts.

Yeah, can you imagine standing

in the $3.95 all-you-can-eat
smorgasbord line

and see that coming at you.

I thought the belch
was a nice touch.

You know what kills me?

Not only would these guys
not want anybody acting like that

around their wives and mothers,

they would not act
like that themselves

if their wives and mothers
were within a 5-mile radius.

You know, Anthony, I
think you're on to something.

I think you're exactly right.

- Which part?
- All of it.

If their wives and mothers,
especially their mothers,

knew the grief
they were giving us,

there wouldn't be a dog
house big enough for these men.

[Mary Jo] So what
are you saying?

I'm saying I think
it might be time

to write a little note
home to Mama.

Just help yourself, guys.

Oh, and don't forget to sign
your mother up for our big drawing.

If you don't have a mom,
then a wife or sweetheart.

And we don't need the
address, just a phone number.

I'm sorry, Suzanne. I'm going
to have to talk to you later.

Who's Armoire?

No, it's a piece of furniture.
You know, like a wardrobe.

Oh, I thought it was some guy
being held hostage somewhere.

Hi, Charlene.

Bill, what are you doing here?

Oh, I just stopped by to see
if I could take you to lunch.

Why? Is Mimi tied up?

How did you know about that?

I have my spies.

You certainly didn't waste any
time getting back in circulation.

Yeah, well, it doesn't look

like you're exactly
pining away yourself.

Who are these guys?

Just some friends of mine.

One or two I'm
considering dating.

[Men] Whoo!

Maybe not.

Anyway, I'll be going to that
country club gala on Sunday, too.

Oh, well, good. I'll look
forward to seeing you there.

Does this mean that
we can't have lunch?

That's right. I have a date.

Oh, but feel free
to use my phone

if you want to call Mimi.
I mean, I understand

she's had her eye on
you for a long, long time.

Charlene, that's very cruel.

You know she just
has the one eye.

That's not funny.

Jam that stick in his ear. Wham.

You better leave. You better
leave. They're getting riled.

No kidding. Who are these guys?

That, my dear, is for me to
know and for you to find out.

[men clamor]

Charlene, I think I'm
going to go up to the bar

and get a new straw.
This one collapsed.

I guess I sucked it too hard.

Oh, Randy, Randy,
do you have to go now?

I don't want to be alone.

Well, sure. Yeah,
I guess it can wait.

[laughs]

Come on. Let's dance.

Are you sure?
You know, I'm going

to be right up there against your
chest again. You said that bothered you.

It's okay. Just turn
your head sideways.

- Like this?
- That's right.

Oh, Randy, that is so funny.

That's just the funniest
thing I've ever heard.

[laughs]

Whatever you say.

Looks like the music stopped.
Well, goodbye and good luck.

There you are. I've
been looking all over.

You know, there's a
rumor flying around

that after the dance
tonight, a few brave souls

are going to skinny-dip
in the baby pool.

Do you like skinny-dipping?

Oh, yeah, but unfortunately
I forgot my birthday suit.

[laughs]

The shy type, huh?

I like that.

Can you believe it?

He's with Miss Katharine Hepburn

Lion in Winter again.

He's probably danced with
every woman here at least twice.

Hi, Eugenie. Hi, Brice.

Well, you know, Charlene,
what your problem is

is that you're just not cool.

Now he can see that you care.

You should be, "Ah," flitting
around, laughing your head off.

Suzanne, I've been laughing
my head off all night long.

I feel like a big fool, and
I have a crick in my neck.

You're right. Let's
face it. I'm not cool.

I don't like playing games.
I just want to go home.

May I have this dance?

Sorry, she's busy.

Yes, you may.

Hopeless.

What did you say?

I said "Close your mouth."

All right, now, listen
up and listen good.

First of all, I
had no intentions

of going out with anybody.

Mimi what's-her-face's brother

went to school with
me at the Academy.

He happened to call the morning
after you said I had to start dating.

That's all.

I believe you.

Secondly, you may have
noticed that I've tried to squeeze

a virtual smorgasbord of
women tonight into two hours

of cheap conversation
and cheek-to-cheek dancing.

I noticed.

Well, I figured, why
go to all the trouble

of meeting and getting to
know five different women

when I could fulfill
your requirements

by condensing the
entire experience

into a mini random sampling

of various females,
conversations, and feelings

that could be construed
as representative

of numerous
long-term relationships?

Only this way, I wouldn't
have to actually go out and do it.

Sort of like speed dating.

What are you trying to say?

I'm saying I came, I saw, I
danced, and I'm still in love with you.

Not to mention you've
also got the best costume.

I'm supposed to
be Marilyn Monroe.

I know.

I've never loved you more
than I do at this moment.

You know, I'm getting
a real strong feeling

they know each other.

[Julia] So we invited
you here this one last time

to give you a final chance
to apologize for the abuse

you've heaped on the
women on this street

and to give your word
that this insulting behavior

will not happen
again in the future.

Boy, I got to tell you I just
don't think we could do that.

Yeah, man, that
would be a real strain.

About the time we'd promise,
some chick would strut along

in a tight shirt
and a tight skirt.

You know what I
got to say to that.

How's that?

I got to say a man's
got to honk if he's horny.

[cheers and laughter]

Ladies, you may come down now.

Allow us to reintroduce your
wives, mothers, and sweethearts.

Ladies, you're going to want to spend
some quality time with your boys now,

so we'll just be over
here out of the way.

[chatter]

And just who are
you supposed to be?

What do you mean, who
are we? We work here.

My dear, I don't want to
tell you ladies how to dress,

but you probably should
tone it down a little.

Well, what do
you think, fellows?

What do you think
of their outfits?

Oh, very nice.

Very attractive.

Now that's more like it.

Now, on behalf
of Liz and Marilyn

and all the other
women in the world,

we thank you.

Thank you.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA