Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 5 - Big Haas and Little Falsie - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Okay, that's all the
bills for the week.

Anybody see my Cosmo?

It was lying right here.

Did it have cleavage
on the cover?

- Yes, it did.
- I didn't see it.

I don't understand this.
How could I just loo...

- Suzanne.
- What?

I can't believe you just walk by
my desk and take my magazine.

I just got it in the mail.

I'm sorry. I just wanted
something to read.



- You tore out
the perfume samples.
- What?

The perfume samples.
There were two of them.

I saw them when I
glanced through here.

Now they're gone.

Oh, for crying out loud.
Here, take the stupid samples.

I was just trying to
save a little money.

You know, my life has not
been the easiest thing in the world

since Reggie Mac Dawson

walked away with
my life savings,

but if it makes you feel
good, Charlene, to cheat me

out of a little cardboard
perfume sample,

then have at it.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you
were still having a hard time.

Well, I am.



I even cancelled my salon
appointment this week.

Wait till you're reduced

to having your
housekeeper wax your legs.

Then we'll talk.

Here, you can have them.

I don't know why anyone
would want those silly things.

I think they ought
to be against the law.

Some people are allergic.
They give me a headache.

You cannot get the
smell out of your house.

Who has the right to send
a fragrance into your home

that you neither
like nor ordered.

Amen.

You don't like them,
either, Anthony?

I don't even know
what you're discussing.

It's just that you all are always
so fired up about something.

I'd just like you to know,

as I go about my
daily business in life,

I support you.

Thank you, Anthony.
Isn't that sweet?

If you'll excuse me, I had a
letter from Payne over on my desk.

I was just getting
ready to read it.

Have either one
of you all seen it?

Not me. I mean, not
since I put it there.

Suzanne, I cannot believe
that you are reading that.

That happens to
be a personal letter

from a son to his mother,

and I don't appreciate
your opening it.

I'm sorry. I just didn't
have anything else to read.

Anyway, he's my nephew.

Suzanne, you are
just incorrigible.

You just start out
with the assumption

that every piece of mail in
the world has your name on it,

and if you don't get any,
you just take someone else's.

- Is that the way it works?
- Pretty much.

What's going on?

Oh, nothing. Julia got a letter from
Payne, and Suzanne was reading it.

- Oh. Did I get any mail?
- Yeah, I put it on your desk.

There was an envelope there
from some attorney's office.

Where?

[gasps] Oh, I can't believe it.

Right at my darkest
hour, a check for $3,000.

Thank you, Lord.

I didn't even have
to do anything for it.

[Charlene] $3,000? Who from?

Well, it says my Uncle
Dude passed away,

and this is what he left me.

Can you believe it?

Julia, I didn't even know
we had an Uncle Dude.

We don't.

I have an Uncle Dude.

Suzanne, have you no shame?

I mean, perfume samples
and Payne's letter are one thing,

but now you stoop to
stealing a dead man's money,

and you aren't
even related to him.

Ought to just call the postal
service and have you arrested.

Mary Jo, what does it say?

It just says that
Uncle Dude died.

Gee, I can't believe

that Mother or Daddy
wouldn't call me.

I mean, he was just
a great-uncle, but still.

Maybe they didn't
know he died, either.

That's true.

Come to think of it,

I don't think anybody's
seen Uncle Dude for years.

He was sort of the
family eccentric...

You know, never married,

always brought his old dog
with him to the family reunions.

As a matter of fact, the
dog's name was Old Dog.

I think I've heard
this on a record.

He always wore
the same brown suit,

no matter what the occasion,

and my Aunt Ione, who
had this major beehive hairdo

and was completely
senile, always use to say,

"Now, tell me, Dude,
is that a new suit?"

And he would always say,

"Well, Ione, in a way it
is, and in a way it isn't.

Now, you see, I bought this suit

right after WWII,

but I only wear it on holidays,"

and Ione would say,

"Well, it's very,
very attractive."

For some reason, Uncle
Dude always liked me.

He'd always point
at me, and he'd say,

"That one there, now that one...

She's a ring-tailed tooter."

Oh, Mary Jo, you loved
him very much, didn't you?

No.

I didn't really know him.

I haven't even seen
him since I was a kid.

Well, it says here, according
to the terms of the will,

you're expected to spend this
money on something frivolous.

Gee, I don't know.

Hmm, $3,000 to spend
on anything I want.

That's going to
require some thought.

[Suzanne] Well, it wouldn't
require any thought on my part.

[Charlene] What would you buy?

A blouse.

A blouse?

Yeah. Well, it's
not just any blouse.

It's an Ungaro. I saw
it in Town And Country.

Suzanne, $3,000 for a blouse?

Come on. How much
can a blouse cost?

It can cost $3,000,
Charlene, like I just said.

I know what I'd buy. I'd buy these TV
telephones that I saw in a catalogue,

and I'd buy one for my parents

and everybody in my family

so I could call and we could
see each other every week.

Why, I wouldn't like that.

Somebody could call you up

when you don't
have your hair done.

No, they can't call you and
see you unless you want them to.

You have to push
this little button.

Then it sends a
freeze-frame photo of yourself.

I wouldn't want to
get one of those.

That sounds real dumb.

That works out great, Suzanne,

because nobody's
getting you one.

[Charlene] What are you
going to buy, Mary Jo?

I don't know. I
can't think of a thing.

Well, there is one thing
that I have always wanted,

but I would feel too decadent
to actually spend money on it.

Come on, it said
frivolous. Tell us.

No, it's silly.

We won't laugh.

It's nothing. It's just...

a little cosmetic surgery.

Your eyes.

There is nothing
wrong with my eyes.

[Suzanne] I know what it is.

I don't need you to guess
again, Suzanne, okay?

You want to have
your breasts enlarged.

That's right, Suzanne,

and thank you for screaming it.

Next time I'll just
tell The Town Crier.

Mary Jo, I can't believe
you want to have that done.

What's wrong with your chest?

In case you haven't
noticed, Charlene,

I don't have one.

Well, I'm sorry, but I think
you have a darling figure.

I know, and we
flat-chested girls

look so much
better in our clothes,

and you'd just give anything

to have a body like ours, right?

Not me.

That's what all you C and D cups

tell all us littlest angels.

Isn't that right, Julia?

Mary Jo, why are you
addressing this to me?

Come on, you know
what I'm talking about...

That condescending,
patronizing way

that big breasts are
always looking down

on us little breasts.

I've been included in a
lot of groups in my life,

but I must say, this "us
little breasts" category

is for me a first.

Mary Jo, it is true.

I'd give anything to be petite.

You don't know what it
was like having a big bust

at the junior high school dance

and every guy's nose
hits you right about here.

I always hated to see the
cold and flu season roll around.

Mary Jo, if this is something
you've always wanted to do,

you should go ahead and do it.

You don't have to
explain yourself to us.

Everybody is different.

I myself have always
been quite happy

with what I was given.

Oh, come on.

Didn't you ever feel
just a little insecure,

I mean, growing up around that?

Suzanne's had those as
long as I can remember.

She was born with them.

Mother and Daddy and
I used to just sit around

and stare at them.

And it never bothered you?

No, why should it?

It's just the spin of
the old genetic wheel.

I think I have been
amply compensated.

What does that mean?

It means Suzanne got the boobs,

and she got the brains.

I don't think I like the turn
this conversation has taken.

Oh, come on. Big
boobs, tiny brain.

It's a story as
old as the hills.

I didn't write it.

Mary Jo, I can't believe
you would even repeat that.

Oh, come on, I was just kidding.

It's just the littlest angel's
way of evening the score.

What's this littlest
angel stuff anyway?

It's the name of a
training bra, Suzanne.

I'm sure you wouldn't
know anything about that.

A training bra?

You little people
have to train yours,

and you call us dumb?

I think she makes
a very good point.

"Training bra" is
just a dumb name.

I never understood it myself,

although every
time I put mine on,

I did feel the urge to,

"Come on, hurry
up, get in there. Ho."

Well, I have the name

of the best breast man
in Atlanta right here.

He did Baby Benson,

and no one at the Miss
Georgia Pageant even knew

till I turned her in.

Now, you have the
number here, if you want it,

but I don't think
you have the nerve.

I can't believe
she's doing this.

Mary Jo, did you know a Pan
Am stewardess had hers done

and they exploded
during takeoff?

- [Charlene] Mary Jo.
- Hmm?

Did you by any chance
have surgery last night?

Oh, you mean these?

No. No, this is just
a prosthetic bra.

Dr. Hogue wants me to
try out several different sizes

to see what I feel
comfortable with.

What do you think?

I don't know, Mary Jo.

I just can't believe it's you.

It's not, but it's going to be.

Guess what.

I found out this operation
costs exactly $3,000.

It is almost like Uncle Dude
wanted me to have them.

Oh, you think he
had his eye on you?

No, silly. I mean it's just
like it was meant to be.

What do you think,
Julia? You like them?

Oh, Mary Jo, they're different.

It takes getting used to.

Go ahead, feel them.

Oh, that's all right.
No, no, come on.

This is almost the consistency
of what I'll be getting.

I mean, go ahead.

Mary Jo, I'll feel them
some other time, okay?

But thank you for asking.

- Charlene, you feel them.
- Now?

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. I
want to know what you think.

Well, okay.

Excuse me, I'll just be
taking these in the back.

- Don't they feel real?
- No, they feel creepy.

That's just because you've
never felt them before.

This is the newest material.
They just came out with this.

These are what you
might call the '89 models.

What do you think, Suzanne?

They're okay if
you like that size.

I'm sorry. I can't be your size.

It wouldn't fit my frame.

For heaven's sake,
I'd look like an oil rig.

I just think you should get
your money's worth. That's all.

Don't worry, I will.

As a matter of fact, I have
some a couple of sizes larger

that I'm going to
change into after work.

What's after work?

I thought you and I might go
to Gallagher's and have a drink.

Why me? Why can't
you get J.D. to take you?

J.D. is in Cincinnati
at a baseball meeting.

Besides, I don't
want to go with a man.

I need to try these
out in a social setting,

and I can't go with
Charlene or Suzanne

because then I wouldn't
know if people were responding

to mine or theirs.

I see.

I couldn't ask for a more
insulting invitation than that.

Come on, Julia, I
didn't mean it that way.

I know what you meant.

There are all kinds of bosoms

floating around
out there, Mary Jo,

but I don't think it's going to
matter one way or the other

when you walk into Gallagher's.

You are so wrong.

People treat you completely
differently, even women,

like this morning at the bank.

There's this
woman teller in there

who's usually very rude.

I just walked right in there

and plopped them right
up there on the counter,

and it intimidated
the heck out of her.

She had a whole new
look of respect on her face.

Mary Jo, I think your
imagination's working overtime,

speaking of which, you and
Suzanne are 15 minutes late

getting to Margaret Revelle.

I know. Just let me finish.

Then I went into Denny's

to order myself a cup of coffee,

and three waiters
slid into home plate

just trying to get it for me.

Mary Jo, you are like
a kid with a new toy.

I know I am.

I think these things are supposed
to make you feel more feminine,

but they make
me feel aggressive,

you know, kind of macho-like.

I tell you, if I go
up to a D cup,

I think I could
get into a fist fight.

- Are you ready?
- Yes, just let me get
my purse.

Hi, Anthony.

Hi, Mary Jo.

That's a lovely
sweater. Is that new?

As a matter of fact, it is.

It's very nice.

Thank you.

See you later.

Bye.

Anthony, what
are you staring at?

Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking to myself.

There they go... Big
Haas and Little Falsie.

Gee, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't
have gone up another cup size.

Just two of you?

No, actually, there are four,

but we're the only
two ordering, I think.

What can I get you?

Glass of white wine,
please. Mary Jo?

- What?
- Do you want a drink?

Better not. I think I've
got enough to manage.

I'll just have a club soda.

- Brace yourself.
- For what?

Two guys coming across the room.

Can you believe it? We've
been here all of 90 seconds.

These things are like magnets.

Hello. How are you?

Fine, thank you.

I'm Bill Paddock. This is
my friend Paul Johnson.

- Nice to meet you.
- How do you do?

Can we buy you all a drink?

Actually, we just
ordered drinks,

but thank you so much anyway.

Just so we don't have to
take that long, humiliating walk

back across the room again,

how about if we just stand here
and talk to you for a few minutes?

Fine with me.

Tell me, what first
attracted you to us?

Well, I'd...

I'd have to say it's
your sense of humor.

What do you say, Paul?

Definitely, sense of humor.

Really, we're doing
a little field research

for a class we're taking...

College girls. I
could tell right off.

Seriously, it's a
course on sociology

that we're auditing

about male-female interaction,

and what I'd like to know

is when you saw
us across the room,

what was the first
thing that attracted you?

Hey, I don't know.

We were attractive
because you're attractive.

I know that, but
more specifically,

what part of us?

[Julia, muttering] I don't think
we want to pursue this. Do you?

Excuse us one second.

Listen here. If I'm
going to spend $3,000,

I'm going to need some
honest answers here.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I'd like to be candid, if I may?

We both see someone,

so we're not available,

but if you could just be honest

and tell me for my report,

when you saw us across the room,

would you have made
such a beeline over here

if my breasts were
not as big as they are?

Nah, I doubt it.

You know, you're
very perceptive.

Yeah, that's what
we were after all right.

Now that you're on to us,
we may as well move along

before all the girls
with big ones are gone.

Thank you for being so honest.

Mary Jo, I cannot
believe that conversation.

Have you just
completely lost your mind?

Oh, it doesn't
make any difference.

You insulted them.

We'll never see them again.

Besides, I wanted to know.

That just proves the point.

This would not have
happened a week ago.

I don't know about that.

I don't like to brag, but I've
turned a few heads in my time.

Well, you didn't
do it with those.

No offense.

Check, please.

No problem. He took care of it.

He who?

See what I'm talking about?

It is a whole new world.

I'll tell you, Julia,

we have been big fools.

These things are power,

something that
Charlene and Suzanne

have obviously
known for a long time,

but for some reason
have failed to tell us.

Isn't that just the
way it always is,

the haves trying to
keep their little secrets

from the have-nots?

Mary Jo, I don't think

they want to choose
sides over this.

You just remember.
They started this, not us.

Now, we've just
got to get you a pair.

[door opens]

- She here yet?
- Who?

The tit monster.

Charlene, you know
I hate that word.

I know. I hate it, too.

Mary Jo had an appointment
with a surgeon this morning.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot over the weekend.

This is the last
appointment before surgery.

They're going to decide
today on the exact size.

All I can say is he better have
samples as big as buildings,

or Mary Jo's not
going to be satisfied.

Charlene, I've
never seen Mary Jo

get so carried away
about anything.

I think this must've been
very important to her,

and we just didn't realize it.

I know.

I guess women can get a lot of
their self-image wrapped up in that.

It's like men and
their... you know...

Yes, I know.

I hate to talk about her.

I love her like my own sister,

but who would have thought

that a couple of
pounds of nylon and gel

could change a person so much.

I just don't understand it.

Maybe she was frightened
by a breast as a child.

Hi.

- [Charlene] Mary Jo?
- Mm-hm?

What happened to your chest?

Oh, I turned it in,

except for the one
in the drawer here.

You turned it in because
you're having the surgery?

No, I cancelled surgery.

[Charlene] You
cancelled it? Why?

Because I was acting like
a jackass, and y'all know it.

Anyway, I don't
like those words...

Breast augmentation.

It sounds like something Gorbachev
ought to be bringing up at the next summit.

Who said you were
acting like a jackass?

My children... in so many words.

[Charlene] What did they say?

Well, Quint just said stuff like

"What the heck are
those things anyway?"

But Claudia was
more to the point.

She said, "Gee, Mom, if
having your chest enlarged

"is going to make
you this much fun,

I don't think we can stand it."

Smart girl.

I know. I have been
like a woman possessed.

I don't even sleep well anymore.

I just lie there in bed
and plan my wardrobe

and think who I'm going
to point my chest at next.

Well, you were
having so much fun.

I thought I was,
but I'm exhausted.

It's just too much
responsibility.

When I have those things on me,

I feel like I'm the
center of attention

whether I am or not.

It's okay for a few days,

but I think not for a lifetime.

Well, Mary Jo,

maybe it's because
it was all new to you.

In a couple of weeks, it
would have seemed old hat.

I don't think so, Charlene.

I mean, I don't
see anything wrong

with women having them done,

but, you know, it just
has to blend in with you,

and this just didn't.

It was like two aliens
had landed on my chest,

and I couldn't figure
out what to do with them.

So now I know.

There are two things that I cannot
handle more than a small cup of...

Liquor and breasts.

[Charlene] What's in the bag?

A TV telephone.

Oh, Mary Jo, I can't
believe you bought one.

Yeah, and I fed-exed one to
J.D. in Cincinnati on Saturday

just so I could try it out.

Hey, listen. I've
got a great idea.

Now, I want you
to call this number

and ask for J.D. while
I change over here.

- [Charlene] Change? What for?
- Just do it.

- Is this what you spent
your money on?
- Mm-hmm.

That one and one for
you and one for Julia

and one for Suzanne.

- Oh.
- Mary Jo, you bought us
TV phones?

Yes, and that's not all.

I got one for Payne,
and I got one for Perky,

and I got one for your
family in Poplar Bluff.

That is just about the
sweetest thing I ever heard of.

Yes, J.D. Shackelford, please.

You know, you've got to
have somebody to call him on,

and I think Uncle
Dude would approve.

It took everything he left me.

He was real big on family.

Aw, I think I'm going to cry.

You got me this time. I
think I'm going to cry, too.

J.D.? Hi, it's Charlene.
Hang on for Mary Joe.

Hi, honey.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Did you get your TV telephone?

Is it plugged in now?

Oh, you're talking on it.

Oh, all right. Now, listen.

I'm going to put you on
the speakerphone right now

so I can send you a picture.

Okay, are you ready?

[J.D.] Yeah, I'm ready.

[whispers] All right.

Hit it, Charlene.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA