Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 4 - Getting Married and Eating Dirt - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Charlene] I just can't believe

they won't give up
on this Elvis stuff.

Julia, do you really
think he could be alive?

Oh, sure.

He's probably on a
houseboat in Brazil

with Judge Crater and
Latka the Russian space dog.

Well, who's Judge Crater?

Just someone who disappeared.

What Russian space dog?

The one they sent up
that never came down.



You're kidding
me. That's terrible.

I never heard about that.
When did that happen?

Oh, Charlene, I don't know.

It was years ago. It was
probably before you were born.

I don't care, Mary Jo. You
can criticize me all you want,

but in your heart, you know
they should be arrested.

[Julia] Who should be arrested?

All guys in this country
who have long hair,

driving around
in dirty old cars.

And why not? Why,
it's getting to where

you can't even drive into a
shopping center parking lot

without seeing
somebody who looks

like they're waiting
to make a drug deal.

And I'll tell you something.



If they would just arrest
all the men in ponytails,

that would be a start.

What are you looking so sad for?

Nothing. I was just thinking
about this Russian space dog

floating around
there up in orbit.

Charlene, there is no dog
floating around in space.

I told you it was
25 or 30 years ago.

Those are human years, Julia.
You don't know about dog years.

It might be different
in outer space.

You know, just once I'd like
to come in here in the morning

and hear a conversation

that doesn't sound like
Rod Serling had a hand in it.

Where is Anthony?

He went to pick up Bernice.
She has a surprise for us.

Oh, Lord. I hope
she's not gonna ask me

to style that wig of hers again.

Oh, what do you care? It
only takes you five minutes.

I know, Mary Jo, but I do
not enjoy doing Bernice's wig.

I'm a beauty queen,
not a beauty operator.

I don't care if she
is Mother's friend.

I have better things
to do than to sit around

back-combing some
stray little piece of Dynel

for a Senior Citizen Hop.

PMS. Don't get too close.

I can't believe it.
Here it is again.

One of the world's most
respected newspapers,

and this time with a picture.

- What is it?
- An article about Southerners
eating dirt.

That's what.

For some reason,
every few years,

the Times feels
compelled to run a story

about how people still
practice dirt eating in the South.

- Dirt eating?
- That's right.

Have you ever heard
of anything so absurd?

Well, I've never heard of anybody
eating dirt, much less Southerners.

Course. It's preposterous.
So why print it?

Well, that's what
you get, Julia,

for subscribing to a
New York newspaper.

You should just mind
your own business.

Suzanne, I like to
balance my news

by reading two or
three newspapers.

Unlike some people,

I like to know what's
going on in the world.

Well, now you know.
People are eating dirt.

And they're doing it right
here in your own backyard.

You know what galls me is
that you can find somebody

doing something stupid anywhere.

But it's hardly
fair to assess it

as a cultural trend
for an entire region.

You know, if the Atlanta
Constitution printed an article like this

saying that dirt eating was
on the upswing in New York,

why, they would be the
laughingstock of the South.

No one would believe
that New Yorkers eat dirt.

That's right. But if the Times says
Southerners do it, then it must be true.

Mmm. You betcha.

And there's a picture right
here of Buford and Eula May

having a little after-dinner
clod just to prove it.

Who are Buford and Eula May?

They're... They're
just names I used

to make a point, Charlene.

Oh, good. 'Cause I was
gonna say, you know,

Buford, Eula May, Judge Crater,

Latka the Russian space dog...

How come I don't know
any of these people?

You know, I really don't believe

that it's the people in
New York's fault, though.

It's the paper that
makes a big deal out of it.

Julia, I think you ought
to go after that paper.

I think you're right.

Maybe I will just call them up.

Oh, Julia, get serious.

What good does
calling them up do?

You're always calling people
up. It never changes anything.

Must be a number
here on the masthead.

You're just gonna make
a big fool out of yourself.

They'll think you're some
old loony drunken debutante

left over from the Civil War.

It says here we eat
it for the vitamins.

Don't y'all know they just insult
us because they're jealous?

Jealous for what reason?

Because in their
heart, they know

our women are
better-looking than theirs.

Suzanne, that's ridiculous.

Hello. May I have the
Features department, please?

Jackson Weeks.

We're no better-looking
than women anywhere else.

Well, I didn't say "you all."

I just, you know, said
Southern women in general.

Yes. Yes.

May I speak with
Jackson Weeks, please?

Oh, well, then,

please ask him to call
Julia Sugarbaker in Atlanta.

My number is 404-555-6787.

Thank you.

He's gonna call me back.

Right. And then he'll
probably put in a big retraction

and invite you to write a weekly
column about your heritage.

You know, Suzanne,

you saying that
we're better-looking

than Northern women
is just as ignorant

as them saying we eat dirt.

That's right. Anyway,
how are we different?

Well, we just are, that's all.

Take beauty pageants.

I mean, everybody knows
you can be Miss Maine

or Miss Vermont
and still be a dog

as long as you can play a
musical instrument or something.

But you will never see a
homely Miss Mississippi.

No, you won't. Just right now,

run through all the Miss
Mississippis in your head

and see if you can
name an ugly one.

See? You can't.

And I'll tell you why.

Because the Miss
Mississippi people know

that a dog belongs in a
pound and not in a pageant,

and that's just the way it is.

I don't care if a
girl gets up there

and plays "Moonlight Sonata"
on the harp with her teeth.

Suzanne, this is the
most outrageous thing

I have ever heard you say.

Happens to be true.

I don't know why
y'all argue with her

when her hormones are raging.

I say we just take her out
to the woods and tie her up.

Hello, everybody.

Bernice, you're here!

Yes.

Sometimes.

Well, how are you sweet things?

We're all just fine. Except
Suzanne. She has PMS.

[Bernice] Oh,
dear. That's too bad.

You know, I have
just the thing for that.

- [Suzanne] What?
- A hysterectomy.

I'm sorry.

That's just a little
retirement home humor.

Bernice, what are
in those boxes?

Oh, that's part of the surprise.

Actually, I have two surprises.

Now brace yourselves.
Are you ready?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Number 1... I'm getting married.

And number 2... you're all
going to be my little flower girls.

♪♪ [humming The
Twilight Zone theme]

[Charlene] Bernice, I just can't
believe you're getting married.

Now, you sit down here and
you tell us when all this happened.

I'm sorry. I just
don't remember.

Bernice, you told me in the
truck it was last weekend.

That's right. Thank
you, Anthony.

You know, I don't know
what I'd do without him.

Bernice, who is he?

Well, I don't know. I
thought he worked for you.

Not Anthony. Who
are you marrying?

He's somebody famous.

Somebody famous? Are you sure?

Yes.

I'll give you another hint.

Not only is he someone
famous who is on this tape,

but some people
think that he's dead.

You're marrying Elvis Presley?

No, it's not Elvis Presley,
but that's a good guess.

Bernice, let's give
them a break, huh?

How about I just play
the tape for them?

Okay, Anthony.
Good idea. Let her roll.

[Man on TV] Hello, Atlanta.

Everett and I are here
today at Vandover Auto Sales

because Everett is
buying a new car...

Something he does only
every seven years or so.

And Everett always
buys at Vandover

'cause he is crazy about
the 24,000-mile warranty

even though he
mostly just drives it

to the Dairy Queen
and home again.

Just come on in and
say, "Give me Ev's deal."

- Which one's yours?
- Ev.

Oh, the one that... The
one that doesn't talk?

That's right. Isn't he cute?

Oh, yes. Very attractive.

Y'all, you know, Everett
Anders is a celebrity.

He and Bert Newkirk are on TV
doing their ad at least once a night.

Oh, Bernice, what's he like?
You know, I mean, in private.

- Well, just like he seems.
- He doesn't talk?

Not much. That's why
they call him "Dead Ev."

Well, I guess I'll go out
and unload the truck.

Bernice, do you want me to
bring those garment bags in?

Oh, yes, please,
Anthony. Thank you.

You know, I hope
you all don't mind,

but I took the liberty
of going ahead

and buying your
costumes for the wedding

so you'll have time
to have them fitted.

Costumes?

Yes, your little
flower girl dresses.

It's not going to be a big
wedding. Just a few friends.

Bernice, you know we love
you and Mother loves you,

and as your good friend, she
would want us to look after you,

and I'm just not sure this
idea is completely baked.

It doesn't sound like
you've known Everett long.

Oh, no, it's completely baked.

It was fate.

You know, I have
these little spells,

and, uh, fortunately, one night,

he was in the game room when
I couldn't remember who I was.

So, I went right up to
him, and I asked him out.

Something I never
would do in my right mind.

But he accepted, and we took

one of those
retirement villa hayrides,

and that's when he proposed.

So, now, you've
only had one date?

Yes. But it was a long one.

Anyway, I can't afford to wait.

After all, Everett
is a movie star.

You know, a lot of people think

that these retirement
communities

are just a bunch of old people

sitting around and
drooling on themselves.

Well, let me tell
you, they're wrong.

You have to be tough.

You have to be lean.

You have to be competitive.

Oh, well, you know, maybe they
just had this incredible chemistry.

Oh, we do.

Ev isn't very interested
in sex, and neither am I.

Because, quite frankly,

I think some things
get old after a while.

Especially if you've been
the one on the bottom

for the last 40 years

telling the person on
top how great they are.

Now, Julia, do you want this
hem higher or a little lower?

Well, Mrs. Caldwell,

I don't think it matters
all that much at this point.

Why don't you just put
it wherever you like?

I mean, let's not kid ourselves.

We've pretty well dispensed here

with anything resembling
pride of personal appearance.

[Charlene] I wonder
what's keeping Bernice.

I've ordered the flowers. I
guess I can scratch that off.

I just cannot believe that we are
actually gonna wear these dresses.

I mean, I know in
my mind that it's true,

because we have them on
and we're having them altered,

but I still just
cannot believe it.

I can't believe the
wedding's this Saturday.

I don't even have a gift yet.

Well, I can't believe y'all
agreed to do any of this,

and especially to
having the wedding here.

Well, now, Suzanne, what
would you want us to do?

We're Bernice's whole
life. She lives for us.

She's always sending
us little presents

and health tips and
entering us in contests.

I mean, how could we not do it?

Where do you get
that this is our deal?

You're gonna be here, too,

and you're gonna
be wearing that dress.

Oh, no, I'm not. I have a
medical excuse. I have PMS.

And by this Saturday,

that train will be
pulling in to my station.

Suzanne, I hate
to disappoint you,

but as your sister
I can tell you.

The only train that's
going to be pulling in

to your station on Saturday

is the train of big fools,

and you're going to be
on it with the rest of us.

But why can't I
just lie here like this

with it draped over me?

Because that would be stupid.

[laughing]

I'm sorry, Julia.
I'm not laughing.

It's just that, if you
don't mind me saying so,

you do look a little
bit like Snow White.

Oh, that's all right, Anthony.

I don't mind your saying so,

as long as you don't mind
my saying you look like a pimp.

I don't mind.

Hey, Anthony,

you going to be carrying one of
the one of those little velvet pillows?

I don't know, Charlene.

Bernice said I'm not
just the ring bearer,

but I'm the usher, too,

so I guess I'm going
to be wearing two hats.

That's good. That
outfit could use two hats.

Hi, all. I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, Ev, would you
look at my girls?

Don't they look just beautiful?

Very nice.

Everybody, this is Ev.

- [Charlene] Hi, how do you do?
- [Mary Jo] Nice to meet you.

Ev, I want you to
meet my darling girls

that I'm so proud of.

Now, that's Julia and
Mary Jo and Charlene.

- Aren't they cute?
- Very nice.

And this is Suzanne.
Isn't she cute?

- Hello.
- Very nice.

Suzanne has
premenstrual syndrome,

and that's my
adopted son Anthony.

Oh.

Can I get you a soft
drink or anything, Ev?

No, thanks.

Now, you can just sit
right over there, hon,

while I run upstairs
and change my dress.

Oh, here, read the paper,

and I'll be down in a minute.

- Isn't he a doll?
- Very nice.

Bernice, you're going
to look so gorgeous.

Oh, thank you, Charlene.

Ev, you're not looking, are you?

Nope.

What are you reading?

An article that
says that we eat dirt.

It's the dangdest
thing I ever read.

That one kind of rubbed
us the wrong way, too, Ev.

Boy, he must be mad.

- He never talks that much.
- [phone rings]

I'll get it.

Maybe it's the caterer.

Be sure that we
get lots of cereal.

Ev loves cereal.

Charlene, is this the list?

Oh, hello.

Yes, this is Julia Sugarbaker.

It's Jackson Weeks' office.

Hello?

Oh, you're the secretary.

Well, actually, I was calling

regarding an article about
southerners eating dirt,

but if Mr. Weeks is too
busy to return my call...

Yes, you can give him a message.

You do take
shorthand, don't you?

Good. We take it
in the South, too.

Anyway, just tell him that I've
been a Southerner all my life,

and I can vouch for the fact

that we do eat a lot
of things down here,

and we certainly all
had our share of grits,

and I'm sure that they are no
self-respecting Southerners anywhere

who haven't consumed
at least several tons

of their mama's homemade
biscuits and gravy,

and I myself have probably
eaten enough fried chicken

to feed a Third World country,

not to mention
barbecue, corn bread,

watermelon, fried pies,

okra, and yes, if I were
being perfectly candid,

I would have to admit we have
also eaten our share of crow,

and for all I know,

during the darkest, leanest
years of the Civil War

some of may have had a
Yankee or two for breakfast,

but speaking for myself

and hundreds of thousands
of my Southern ancestors

who have evolved
through the many decades

of poverty, strife, and turmoil,

I would like for
Mr. Weeks to know

that we have surely eaten
many things in the past,

and we will surely eat
many things in the future,

but God as my witness,

we have never... I
repeat, never eaten dirt.

Oh, this wedding's
going to be such fun,

but I'm not real sure
about that menu.

Well, I guess I'd
better get upstairs

and get out of this dress.

Oh, Bernice, would
you like some help?

Oh, I don't think so.

I'm not real crazy about
you seeing my body.

Thank you.

Was that the fella
that wrote this article?

No, Ev, the fellow
that wrote that

was either too rude
or busy to call back.

That was his secretary.

Well, he ought to be smacked.

It's the dangdest
thing I ever read.

I think I'm going to like you.

You were on the
right idea there.

You just talked too long.

I beg your pardon?

You got to keep your
message short and sweet.

Hah. Julia...
That'll be the day.

Suzanne, I can be succinct
when the occasion rises.

Hah. This I'd like to see.

Thank you, Ev. I'm going to
take that under advisement.

So, Ev, you excited
about your big day?

What big day?

You know, getting married.

Getting married? To who?

Bernice.

Aren't you and
Bernice getting married?

Not that I know of.

Well, Ev, that's why we're
wearing these dresses.

Didn't Bernice tell you?

No. I just thought

your business had
some sort of theme.

Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.

You and Bernice are
not getting married?

No, sir.

Then what are you doing here?

Well, I don't rightly know.

She just asked me
to drive her over.

Oh, I knew it.

It's always something
goofy like this

whenever Bernice is involved,

and I don't need this
nonsense right now.

I mean, I'm not a well woman.

Why would she do this?

Well, I don't like to be unkind,

but I think Bernice is
a little long on drywall

and a little short on studs.

[Bernice] Well, Anthony,

I'm sorry you had
to drive me home.

I can't imagine
why Ev couldn't wait.

Bernice, are you sure

there isn't something
you want to tell us?

I don't think so.

Think hard, Bernice.

Is there something that maybe
you just got a little mixed up about?

Not that I know of.

Bert, what are you doing here?

Oh, hi, Bernice.

Oh, y'all this is Bert.

You know the
other half of Everett.

Oh, my gosh, I
can't believe this.

You look just like
you do on television.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

Bernice, I got Ev outside.

And want to tell you I'm
real sorry about all this.

I would have told you sooner,

but I thought everybody
at the retirement villa knew.

Knew what?

Well, Ev's nuts.

Well, he seems
perfectly normal to me.

Uh-huh.

Well, actually he's
not completely nuts.

He's just got a few
big problems areas.

I don't get it.

Oh, for example he
proposes to women.

All women.
Everywhere. All the time.

I just can't seem
to break him of it.

He's outside,

and he wants to
say something to you.

Ev, come on in here.

- Bernice.
- Yes.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right, Ev.

You couldn't help it...
I mean, if you're nuts.

[Everett] Your the first person
that ever took me serious.

Well, you're the first person

who's asked in
a long, long, time.

I like you.

I like you a right smart.

Oh, this is so sweet.

Bernice, are you okay, honey?

Oh, sure.

I'm just upset now

because I can't show you
off in your little costumes.

[Charlene] Hey, I have an idea.

You know, since we have them on,

we'll wear them out tonight.

We will?

Well, sure. You know,

just to show there's
no hard feelings,

you know, we'll take
everybody out to dinner.

You know, and then we'll
get to wear our little dresses,

and Bernice won't feel cheated.

Well, I think
that's a great idea.

Ev and I will foot
the bill for everything.

I'm not going.

Oh, yes you are, Suzanne.

If we have to go, so do you.

I don't feel like sitting up.

So you can lie down in the car.

I don't feel like walking.

Then we'll carry you. Get
up from there, Suzanne.

Well, what kind of
food do you ladies like?

We like out of town food.

Incidentally, Ev, I'll
forgive you this time,

but if you do this to me again,

I'll feed your family
jewels to the squirrels.

- [phone rings]
- Sugarbaker's.

Yes, she is. May I
ask who's calling?

Oh, just a moment, please.

Jackson Weeks in New York.

Hello, yes, this is
Julia Sugarbaker.

Oh, well, I left you a message.

Didn't your secretary
give it to you?

Oh, too bad she's gone home.

Well, maybe she
left it on your desk.

Yes, that's it.

Why don't I just wait
while you read it?

Yes, Mr. Weeks, I know
that your time is valuable.

And my time is
very valuable, too.

In fact, I have six hungry
Southerners standing here

waiting to take me to dinner.

So why don't I just condense it

and make it short
and to the point?

Mr. Weeks, eat dirt.

There you go.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA