Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 3 - E.P., Phone Home - full transcript

♪♪

Well, that's okay, Melissa.

These things happen.

We'll just do it some
other time, okay?

Well, I guess that takes care
of my date for this weekend.

- Oh? What happened?
- He died.

He died? Of what?

I don't know, Mary Jo. Hardening
of the arteries or something.

It was just a fix-up. I mean,
I didn't even know him.

Well, Suzanne, I'm sorry to
hear of your recent tragedy,

but since you're gonna
be free this weekend,



you can help me take inventory.

Julia, just because my date died

does not mean I
feel like working.

I know what she means.

I never feel like doing much

when my dates have passed away.

Hey, you want to go see a movie?

No. I was up half the night

helping Claudia
with her history test.

Is that why you got
a pencil in your hair?

Oh, for heaven's sake. I can't believe
you noticed that and didn't tell me.

Yeah, well, you got
some ink on your chin, too.

- Didn't you take a bath?
- Well, of course I took a bath.

Well, I... I usually do,
but I couldn't this morning,



because the kids' shower was broken,
and they were in my bathroom till school.

So you didn't take a bath?

I took care of things.

Y'all are never gonna believe what
just happened. This is too incredible.

You all did get everything
delivered, didn't you?

Yes, yes. Mr. Chapman
signed all the invoices.

But that's not all.

Guess what he gave us.

We give. What?

All right. Get
ready for this one.

Four VIP tour
tickets to Graceland.

- What's Graceland?
- What's Graceland?

Suzanne, Elvis Presley's
home in Memphis.

Can you believe it?

I mean, Mr. Chapman's

a concert promoter or something.

I mean, these are
VIP tour tickets.

You get to see rooms
nobody else sees.

I mean, even closets.

And then he told me that
the Elvis Club is hosting

this special nostalgia weekend.

I got the name
of the hotel here.

Oh, it reads "Two free
nights at the Red Rover Autel

"for anyone presenting
authentic Elvis memorabilia

which can be linked
directly to The King himself."

- So?
- So I have a piece
of authentic Elvis memorabilia.

Remember, I told y'all
how my Uncle Howard

knew one of the
pilots for Elvis' plane?

Well, he gave me a hand
towel that Elvis actually

wiped his face
on after a concert.

And then Elvis signed it...

"To Charlene, a whole
lot of shakin' goin' on.

Love, Elvis."

Well, I have things to
do. You kids have fun.

Julia, this is serious.

I mean, it's like it
was meant to be.

I mean, first the VIP tickets
and then the free motel.

And Anthony said he'd
be willing to drive us.

I know you don't
like to drive at night,

but your car is the
most comfortable.

I'd pay for the gas,

and Anthony said he's been
wanting to go see his grandma.

She lives there. And, well,
we'd be helping him, too.

Oh, please, y'all? I've wanted
to see Graceland all my life.

None of us have ever been.

It's only about six or seven
hours. What do you say?

I say I'd rather be tied buck
naked to the town clock.

But thank you for asking.

Anyway, Charlene, we just
can't go rushing off into the night,

driving through the dark
Georgia woods with Anthony.

And pray tell, why
not, Sheriff Bubba?

Well, because it just
would not look right.

And frankly, I don't
know why I'm the one

who always has to
bring these things up.

Neither do we.

Suzanne, who are you
kidding? Why would you care

about how it looks for the
four of us to drive all night

in a car with Anthony when
you stayed at a motel with him?

That was a necessity.

Oh, you all make
me feel so cheap.

You know what I think? I think
Charlene's got a great idea.

Come on. We never do anything
on the spur of the moment.

Why, we'll feel 16 again.

If Charlene really
wants to do it this badly,

I think that we should do it.

And Ted's got the
kids this weekend.

I mean, for once in our
lives, let's just hop in that car,

throw caution to the
wind and drive all night.

It'll be wild. It'll be
crazy. It'll be fun!

And then they have
the Hall of Gold.

That's where they keep
the gifts from heads of state

and Elvis' 16-carat
diamond ring.

How much further is it?

Oh, about 300 miles, Suzanne.

We'll be there before sunup.

It feels like we've
been driving forever.

We have. You know,
it's hard to get anywhere

when you stop for food and
bathrooms every 15 minutes.

Mary Jo, you're
hurting my shoulder.

Oh, for heaven's sake. I can't believe I
can't lay my head on you for two seconds

when you've had your big old feet
slung across me for the past two hours.

That's 'cause there's something
big and cold and wet down here

on my side of the floor,
and I don't have any room.

Suzanne, that happens to be a Tupperware
container with my Elvis towel in it.

- Be careful.
- I know this is
a dumb question, Charlene,

but why do you have your
Elvis towel in Tupperware?

Because I froze it.

I wanted to preserve
it it its original state.

I mean, this is an
authentic collector's item.

It's not like all that
other worthless junk

people spend their money on.

Hey, Antoine, want
some pecan roll?

Oh, no, thanks, Mary Jo. I'm
still working on this fudge up here.

Mmm. I'll have some of that.

Julia, if you hand me that litter
bag, I'll put some of these cans in it.

Mary Jo, I have
never seen one person

eat so much in all my life.

I mean, the inside
of this car looks

like we're on some
kind of a pig tour.

I always eat a
lot when I travel.

I don't know why.

I think it has something to do

with having all this
food along the highway.

It is kind of neat, isn't it?

There's so much more
to choose from nowadays.

I mean, even gas stations
have gotten incredible.

Can you believe it? I
mean, who would've thought

homemade food in a gas station?

I mean, is that just
in the South, or what?

I mean, you know,
now you can go in,

get your tires checked,

buy some birth
control in the bathroom

and have a little turkey and
dressing on your way out.

Well, I thought the food
was absolutely disgusting.

I hated that truck stop.
And those men were creepy.

Well, Suzanne, if you're so
uncomfortable, why'd you come?

I came, Charlene, because I didn't
want you all having fun without me.

I see now I needn't
have worried myself.

Two nights at the Red
Rover Autel. Great.

Well, you know
what we say to that.

We say... ♪ Since
my baby left me ♪

♪ I found a new place to dwell ♪

♪ It's down at the
end of Lonely Street ♪

♪ Called Red Rover Autel ♪

♪ Oh, I'm so lonely, baby ♪

♪ Oh, I'm so lonely, baby ♪

♪ I'm so lonely... ♪

Excuse me, ladies,

but I think we just
had our first flat tire.

Well, Mary Jo, is this wild
and crazy enough for you?

Can you believe it?

It is gonna be another two hours

before they have a room made up.

I can believe it.
It's only 8 a.m.

Anyway, just be glad we're here.

You know, I thought y'all
would be a lot more excited.

Especially you, Mary Jo.

I mean, the way you've
been singing and carrying on.

Mary Jo?

Hmm? I'm excited.

I'm excited for Charlene.

I was just thinking that
this is probably the longest

I've ever gone without
bathing or sleeping.

And how do you feel about that?

More importantly,
how do we feel?

I don't feel too good myself.

Good. I hope you remember
this the next time you get the urge

to support one of
Charlene's bright ideas.

You could take better
care of your tires.

There's no excuse for having
two blowouts in one night.

Oh, I agree.

I am an intelligent, mature
woman. I have a grown son.

Come to think of it, there's
no excuse for me being

in the Red Rover Autel
in Memphis, Tennessee,

on an Elvis Presley
Memorial Weekend,

but here I am.

Go figure.

What the heck is
an "autel" anyway?

Beats me. Maybe you
park your car in the room.

I just can't believe that
we're actually staying here.

Suzanne, this is
Charlene's weekend.

If she wants to stay where the other
people with Elvis souvenirs are staying,

then we just have
to make the best of it.

Well, she can stay here.

We can go over to the
Peabody. She can come visit us.

Suzanne, we cannot leave
Charlene by herself over here.

Can we?

Anyway, they'll have those
rooms made up directly.

Yeah, right. They're probably
just shaving the sheets.

It doesn't look that bad to me.

Well, thank you, Arthur Frommer.

I mean, why do you care? You're
gonna be staying at your grandmother's.

Yeah, that reminds
me. I better shove off.

Oh, Anthony, we can take you
over there. We'll be happy to.

Well, now, I can
see that, Mary Jo,

but I'll just take a cab.

Besides, you guys would never
find your way back here again.

- Yeah, that'd be tragic.
- Oh, Suzanne.

You got to get with the
program, go with the flow.

Julia, here's my grandmother's
name and number.

You need anything, just call.

Otherwise I'll meet y'all
back here 5:00 on Sunday.

That seems so far away.

Oh, Mary Jo, I almost forgot.

Here's the rest of that beef
jerky that you love so much.

Mmm! Mmm!

Be sure to save you some
for the ride home, okay?

You're cruel, Anthony.

Wait, Anthony. Before you
go, I bought you something.

It's a guitar-shaped key ring.

Hey, that's real nice,
Charlene. Thank you.

Well, say, Charlene, I
thought you weren't gonna buy

those cheap, tacky
Elvis souvenirs

that only serve to
exploit his memory.

I know, but I started
looking, I couldn't resist.

Anyway, I'm only
buying the tasteful ones.

They have "days of the
week" underwear up there, too,

with his face on it. I
refused to buy those.

Well, I'm glad we found
something that offends you.

Some of these are kind of cute.

Did you see this bumper sticker?

"E.P. Phone Home."
Isn't that great?

Let's put it on the car.

Over my dead body.

Well, ladies, have
a wonderful time.

I know I've enjoyed myself.

And remember, when
you saw me leave,

I was singing just this song.

♪ I'm just a hunk, a
hunk of burnin' love ♪

♪ I'm just a hunk, a
hunk of burnin' love ♪

♪ I'm just a hunk, a
hunk of burnin' love ♪

♪ I'm just a hunk, a
hunk of burnin' love ♪

Boy, this is shaping up to
be a great weekend, isn't it?

So we mostly just come
to these things for fun.

We live over in West Memphis.

I just can't believe how
much you talk like him.

Doesn't he sound
exactly like him?

- He really does.
- Mm-hmm.

Are you gonna actually
perform this weekend?

Oh, not this weekend.
We just got through

putting a whole new
lounge act together, though,

we're gonna be taking on the
road... me and Little Ricky here.

Oh, please, you have
to do some of it for us.

- Here?
- Oh, please? I'd love to hear you.

We all would, wouldn't we?

- Yeah, we would.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, all right. Just
don't tell my manager.

♪ Is your heart
filled with pain ♪

♪ Shall I come back again ♪

♪ Charlene, dear ♪

♪ Are you lonesome tonight ♪

That was fantastic! It
gave me goose bumps.

Shoot. That's nothing. You
oughta hear him when he gets going.

Hey, now, don't you go
bragging on your daddy.

Your outfits are wonderful.

How in the world did
y'all get two to match?

Oh, my wife makes these for
us. She sewed these out of...

- Well, I'd better not say.
- Oh, come on. Tell us.

Her old wedding dress she
wore with the first husband.

He was mean to her.

Don't y'all tell. It'll
get me into trouble.

Oh, don't worry. We
won't tell, will we?

No.

Mr. Weddington,
how's it going, sir?

Listen, I can finish that
interview any time you're ready.

- Oh, that's okay, uh...
- Del. Del Dawson.

Right. You know, I think
I've got everything I need.

Oh, well, here's some more Elvis
fans you might want to talk to, sir.

This is Mr. Weddington. He's
with one of those big papers.

- What was the name, sir?
- The Post.

- Yeah. The Post.
- May I?

Sure.

Well, I guess we'd
better be going. Oh...

But here's a schedule of
Ricky's and my new tour, sir.

If you could mention
that, I'd sure appreciate it.

- Sure. No problem.
- Well, Charlene, I guess
we'll see y'all later.

- Okay, Del.
- Bye, Charlene.

Bye, Ricky.

Bye.

So, you ladies are
Elvis fans, huh?

It just so happens
I'm doing a story

on the new Elvis revival.

You know, stuff like how
the hardcore followers

are handling all this
publicity about him being alive,

and how it's
affecting their lives.

So, uh, how about some names?

My name is Helen
Van Patterson-Patton.

And I'm her sister Debbie.

It's funny. You don't
look like a Debbie.

As a matter of fact, none
of you fit the Elvis fan profile.

What's the Elvis fan profile?

You see that woman over
there swathed in polyester?

Well, that's Velma. She came all
the way from Hattiesburg, Mississippi,

with a paper cup that
Elvis actually drank out of.

And tomorrow, she's
going to the gravesite,

and she's gonna lay a
big old homemade wreath,

making this the most thrilling
weekend of her entire life.

I mean, is that
wonderful or what?

I couldn't even
make this stuff up.

You know, Elvis isn't just a
pop culture hero anymore.

We are now talking
about the mass iconization

of the greatest secular figure

of the entire 20th century.

Gee, and I thought he
was just a rock and roller.

So, I was about 16

when I had my
twins out of wedlock

and my mama and
daddy kicked me out.

That's when Elvis came
out with "Love Me Tender,"

which was originally
called "Aura Lee."

I named one of my girls
Aura and the other one Lee

in honor of Elvis.

I played that record till I
plumb wore a hole in it.

Sometimes I felt like Elvis
was the only friend I had.

I used to stand outside

the Malco Theater
here in Memphis,

holding my babies in my arms,

just hoping to get a glimpse
of him when he came out.

Sure enough, one
night, he spotted us.

He came over, and he
kissed me and my girls

and said that they was almost
just pretty as their mama.

That's very moving, Dodie.

How do you spell your last name?

Why do you need last names?

It's just a story. Why
don't you use first names?

Oh, I don't mind.

It's Smith.

S-M-I-T-H.

Thank you. So, anybody else

have a good Elvis
story or bring a souvenir?

- Well, actually, I...
- Charlene, I have something in my eye.

- Would you come help me?
- Sure.

Which eye is it?

I don't like this man.

He's cold and arrogant
and condescending,

and he is using you.

I know, but I still want
to show him my towel.

Charlene, he is gonna make you

and all the rest of these
people look stupid in print.

Do you wanna help him do that?

No. You're right. Thank you.

By the way, Charlene, I
never got your last name.

Van Patterson-Patton.

Charlene Van Patterson-Patton.

I'm their cousin.

Well, the room's not gonna
be ready for another half hour.

Charlene, you can just
forget about that tour.

Now, I'm telling you all, I
cannot take any more of this.

I'm tired. I'm dirty.

I got that beef jerky she
gave me stuck in my teeth.

Now, I'm just gonna march

right into that bathroom
in the coffee shop

and brush my teeth and
take a sponge bath in the sink,

and then I'm gonna blow-dry
myself on the wall dryer.

Or maybe not.

Hey, listen now.

You gotta take the VIP tour.

You know, you get to
see Elvis' actual bedroom?

- That's what I hear.
- Who are you?

Suzanne, this is Vern. He drives
a truck. Where have you been?

I'm sorry, okay? Why don't
you make him a name tag?

Hey, how about you, Vern?

You look like you
got an Elvis story.

- Did you bring a souvenir?
- Well, no.

It's somewhere else. I
guess I could tell you about it.

It's kind of hard, though.

That's all right. Go ahead.
Take your time. I got all day.

It's kind of personal. I
guess it'd be all right.

Say, Vern, I have some
things out in my car.

They're awfully heavy.
Would you mind helping me?

- Sure. I'd be happy to.
- You're very kind.

- Excuse us, please.
- Certainly.

What the heck got into her?

- Did you say
he was a truck driver?
- Yeah. Why?

I'll bet she's gonna pay
him to take her home.

Well, what'd you
think of the tour?

Oh, it was very nice.

Although I must admit I'm a little more
excited about being at the Peabody.

My mother used to bring me
here when I was a little girl.

Yeah, I used to bring my
boy here, too, to see the ducks.

They never liked to
valet park my truck.

Anyway, Sam...
That's my boy's name.

He was about 5 when
he used to ride with me

on my route down to Gulf Shores.

We must've listened to
every Elvis tape ever made.

He knew every word.

He used to just tear them
up on "Heartbreak Hotel."

How old is he now?

Well, he would've
been 19 this month.

He died when he
was 11. Leukemia.

Now they can do
a lot, but then...

I have a son. He's 19.

At first, I thought,
Well, I'll just go crazy,

because my wife and I,
we split up a long time ago,

and me and Sam did
everything together.

After he died, I drove my truck

into a freeway embankment
kind of on purpose.

Anyway, I quit
work for two years.

Never left my apartment.
I was sitting there drinking.

Me and Elvis and songs like
"Are You Lonesome Tonight,"

"I Saw You Crying
in the Chapel."

I don't know what it
is Elvis gives people,

but whatever it is, I felt it.

It picked me up, kept
me going, got me through.

Is that the story you
almost told today?

Yeah. I wanna thank you for
putting me on to that reporter.

I wasn't much liking him myself.

Oh, by the way, do you
have an Elvis souvenir?

No. That's Charlene's
department.

Mine's with Sam now.

It was his last dream
to see Elvis in concert.

I got tickets.

By the time we got there,
he was too sick to go.

I had to put him
in the hospital.

Elvis heard about it, and
after the concert, he showed up.

I'll never forget Sam's face.

He opened his eyes and he said,

"Hey, Elvis, you're here."

And Elvis said,

"That's right, Sam. I'm here."

And he took off his belt buckle.

It said "TLC...
Tender Loving Care."

He gave it to Sam.

I buried him with it.

Hey, this is crazy...

You and me sitting in the bar of
the Peabody Hotel talking like this.

Everybody's wondering
what a fine lady like you

is doing in here
with a fella like me.

To tell you the truth, I'm
kind of wondering myself.

Well,

let's just say I have
very good taste.

Here's to sons like ours.

And to Elvis.

And that was Peaches &
Herb singing "Reunited,"

going out tonight to
Denise from Randy.

Wasn't Graceland beautiful?

I can't decide
which I liked best...

The jungle den or
the meditation garden.

I think a far more
important question

you ought to be asking yourself

is why you felt the need to own

a 9-by-12-foot rug

with Elvis Presley's face on it.

I don't know, Mary Jo.
It's a sickness, okay?

It's like Suzanne always wanting
to have a crown on her head.

Hey, Anthony, how far
are we out of Memphis?

Oh, about an hour.
Now, listen, ladies.

We cannot be making all
these stops on the way home.

I mean, seriously, you're
gonna have to exercise

a little self-control
because the pig tour is over.

Don't worry about me. I
never want to eat again.

Julia, why are
you being so quiet?

Well, Suzanne, if you don't mind,
I was trying to get a little sleep.

Maybe she's dreaming about Vern.

Yeah, there's something
fishy going on around here.

I gotta tell you, this is one
of the weirdest weekends

I've ever had in my life.

Driving 700 miles to spend
two days in a cheap motel

with a bunch of
Elvis Presley kooks,

and now Julia's
dating a truck driver.

Hey, Julia, you have been
acting kind of mysterious.

Where exactly did
you and Vern go?

I told you. We just had a drink.

It was perfectly innocent.

Yes, well, I just think I'm
gonna tell Reese about this.

This is obviously a kinky side
of you he's not seen before.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

By the way, what happened to my
"E.P. Phone Home" bumper sticker?

I don't know, Charlene.

I guess you
must've left it behind.

Oh, great! I love that sticker.

Charlene, it's not like you
don't have other souvenirs.

We just got a call from
Vern a few minutes ago.

He's pulling a big 18-wheeler

down to Gulf Shores,
Alabama tonight,

and he asked us to send
this out especially for Julia.

So, Julia, wherever you are,

this is for you, from Vern.

♪ Are you lonesome tonight ♪

♪ Do you miss me tonight ♪

♪ Are you sorry ♪

♪ We drifted apart ♪

♪ Does your memory stray ♪

♪ To a bright summer day ♪

♪ When I kissed you ♪

♪ And called you sweetheart ♪

♪ Do the chairs in your parlor ♪

♪ Seem empty and bare ♪

♪ Do you gaze at your doorstep ♪

♪ And picture me there ♪

♪ Is your heart
filled with pain ♪

♪ Shall I come back again ♪

♪ Tell me, dear ♪

♪ Are you lonesome tonight ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA.