Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Candidate - full transcript

♪♪

♪ Daylight come, and
me wan' go home ♪

♪ Day, me say day ♪

♪ Me say day, me say dayo ♪

♪ Daylight come and
me wan' go home ♪

I love that song.

I especially love the
way you do "Day"...

♪ Me me say day, me
say day, me say dayo ♪

I love that. Do you know
any other songs with that in it?

No, I'm afraid I
don't, Charlene,

unless you care to
hear "Zippity Do-Dah."



Pass.

Well, then I just
get another load.

♪ Been working hard
on the chain gang ♪

♪ Been working... ♪

Charlene... Oh,
if y'all don't mind?

I'd like to get out
of here by 6:30.

- You got a hot date?
- No, I got a meeting

with the Citizen's
Right Collation.

Anthony, I didn't
know you were political.

Oh, yeah, I got
interest in politics

during my unfortunate
incarceration.

I held the elected post

of Snack Bar
Supervisor and Auditor,

mainly at the behest
of Mr. T. Tommy Reed,



whose acquaintance you've made,

and Willy "Big Razor" Wilson.

You see, T. Tommy was
addicted to Snicker bars.

And Willy "Big Razor"
was really into 5th Aves.

I mean big. And they
wanted me to supply them.

So they came to me

and asked me to run
for Snack Bar Supervisor.

I told them I did not
believe that I would care to.

Well, a few hours later,

Big Razor tore down a
large piece of lead pipe,

and he beat me real good
about the head and ears.

It was at that point I decided

that I would like to have
a career in politics after all.

Well, I'm ready to go to dinner.

And here you all are
still unpacking that stuff.

What on earth have
you been doing?

We have been working

for nine hours straight.

We are tired. Are feet
hurt, are backs ache,

and we are not in the
mood to hear you complain.

Well, I told you I'd be happy
to help y'all in these things

if you just give me
some advanced notice.

Suzanne, I told you about
this shipment a week ago.

A week?

You must be joking.

I need a lot more
time than a week.

We are talking standing
appointments here.

I mean you know if
you start breaking those,

there's a whole line of
women just waiting to move

right into your time slot.

Do you know who
did the roots today?

Mr. Donny himself. Mr. Donny
doesn't even touch roots,

but he did it for me

because of who I am
and what I stand for.

♪ I picked up the shovel,
and I went to the mine ♪

♪ I load the 16 ton ♪

♪ A number 9 coal and
the straw boss said ♪

♪ Bless my soul ♪

Why don't you just
get Anthony to finish it?

Because Anthony cannot
do all this by himself.

Well, maybe if he
would work a little faster

and sing a little less.

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

Hey, hey, it's after 6.
Let's watch the news.

Why, what's on it?

Well, I don't know, Suzanne.
That's why they call it new.

Buckingham Palace
announced today

that Prince Andrew
and the Duchess of York

have requested no more
gifts for little baby Beatrice.

Boy, they're gonna have
problems with that kid.

Why?

Well, just look at her.

She looks like that aunt.

Diana?

No, the one that's
always riding horses,

looks like a horse.

Who looks like a horse?

You know, what's-her-face.

No, I don't know, who?

Oh, for crying out
loud, Charlene.

Mrs. Ed. I don't know.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

I think she's referring
to Princess Anne.

Princess Anne?

Suzanne, I cannot believe you
called Princess Anne Mrs. Ed.

Princess Anne is
a wonderful person.

She talks through her nose.

- She does not.
- Well, now, Charlene,

I'm afraid I'm have to agree
with Suzanne on this one.

Have you ever
heard her interview?

No, what's wrong with her?

Nothing, she just sounds like...

Hello, Binky John.

Your horse has thrown a rider

That's because
it was frightened.

But the horse had a
jolly good time, though.

I guess today was
not such a total loss.

I for one cannot believe the royal
family named the baby Beatrice.

I mean, whatever
happened to decent names

like Tiffany and Shannon?

Oh, they'll come
around again, Charlene.

The great ones always do.

And Lord knows most of the women

who have left their
mark on the world

were named Tiffany or Shannon.

Hey, this is the guy we're
having a meeting about tonight.

He's one of the commissioners
we're trying to get recalled.

Commissioner Brickette, you've
started an organization recently,

Stand Up For America. Would
you tell us a little about that?

Well, basically, John, we're
a group of concerned citizens

who are trying to rekindle
some of those lost values

of family, decency,
and patriotism.

Well, those are nice buzz
words, Commissioner,

but can you be more specific?

Certainly. I'm
not afraid to say it.

We're gonna reclaim America

from the kooks and the weirdoes.

We're not ashamed to say

that we believe prayer does
belong in America's classrooms

as well as our wonderful
Pledge of Allegiance.

This guy is incredible.

I mean, he has cocktail
parties for Ollie North.

He even flies an American
flag on the truck of his car.

Well, gee, it's a free country.

I mean, that's no
reason to recall him.

Right, just wait, you'll see.

But on the local level,
I want to ask about

your controversial program
to reduce the number

of shelters for the
homeless here in Atlanta.

All I've said is we want
to return the streets

back to the people
who pay for them.

You reduce the
number of shelters,

you stop the donation,

and you will force a good number

of these beggars and panhandlers

to get a job and take
care of themselves

or let their families take
the responsibility for them.

This man's an idiot.

What does he mean,
take care of themselves?

If they could take
care of themselves,

they wouldn't be on the street.

Have their families take
responsibility for them?

What kind of proposal is that?

I mean does he really think
that Ward and June Cleaver

are just waiting to be notified

what corner little
Beaver's sleeping on.

You know, that Jerry Mathers

has done all right
for himself, hasn't he?

I mean have y'all seen
the new Beaver remake?

Shh.

Julia, please don't watch.

Wilson Brickette is
against everything

that you believe in.

I believe in The
Pledge of Allegiance,

and I believe in prayer.

I just don't think you can make
it mandatory in the classroom.

This is a copy of a
complaint we've obtained

from the commission of
Fair Employment Practices

filed by ex-female
staffer of yours

who says you don't
promote or support women.

Julia, please don't
watch. Save yourself.

You're gonna
have a heart attack.

My position is I believe in
equal pay for equal work.

And when I see a woman who
is actually doing equal work,

I have no qualms
about supporting her.

This guy is begging for it.

This guy is gonna need
a bodyguard to get home.

I'll tell you quite frankly, I
don't understand what all

these women are
complaining about.

They rock the cradle. They
control the purse strings.

They rule the world. And
now they want to revive

the Equal Rights
Amendment again.

For what?

So they can destroy
the American family?

So they can join the
Army, eat out of tin cans,

and carry an Uzi?

Just doesn't make any sense.

Look at Julia's face.

All the color is
draining out of it.

The complaint also alleges

that you only hire
attractive women

to serve on your office staff.

Now, what do you
say to that charge?

I say she flatters herself.

I want this man hurt.

And I want to be
the one who does it.

I told you.

We've been talking with
Commissioner Wilson Brickette,

and if you would care to
express an opposing viewpoint,

please call our
office here at WTGB.

Just dial 555-NEWS.

We provide one minute of the close
of each news day for citizen rebuttal.

And now here's
George with the weather.

Oh, thank goodness that's over.

Now can we please go to dinner?

Why do I have the feeling

that we're not going
to be going to dinner?

Do you have that same feeling?

Yep, I see a speeding
car, we're in it,

we're eating fast food,
and we're going WTGB.

Julia?

I can't believe this man
is walking the streets,

much less holding public office.

Anthony, you coming?

I can't. I got to
go to my meeting.

Hello, this is Julia Sugarbaker.

Yes, I was just watching

your interview with
Commissioner Wilson Brickette.

Well, I'd like to ask

for one of those citizen
minutes to respond.

Yes, I can come down right now.

Yes, I understand that
I may not be selected.

Right, see you then.

I'm sorry. I just could
not let this one pass.

You all know you don't have to
go with me if you don't want to.

Yes, we know, Julia.

But when you kick
somebody's teeth in,

we like to feel
we're apart of it, too.

Mary Jo, hurry up.
You're gonna miss it.

Oh, Julia, this is so exciting.

You're gonna be on any minute.

Oh, great.

Now, what's wrong
with this thing?

I hope we didn't
blow the picture tube.

Well, I know someone who's not
gonna think Julia's so wonderful.

Who?

Wilson Pickett.

Wilson Pickett?

Yeah, you know the
black guy with the bow tie?

Where have you been, Charlene?

I mean, that's what
we're doing here.

Suzanne, his name
is not Wilson Pickett.

It's Wilson Brickette.

Wilson Pickett
is a black singer.

Okay, so I was close.

Well, how do you
figure you were close?

Because they're both black?

You might as well said Don King.

Who's Don King?

Who's Don King?

You don't know
who he is, either?

Oh, yeah, I know who he is.

He's that guy that
sings "Tiny Bubbles."

"Tiny Bubbles"?

Suzanne, Don King does not
sing "Tiny Bubbles." That's Don Ho.

Mary Jo!

Well, she just does
this to drive me insane.

It's like we're the
Smothers Brothers,

and she's Tommy, and I'm Dick.

What is the matter?

I don't know, Mary
Jo. It's just Charlene.

She's in here raving
about "Tiny Bubbles"

and calling herself Dick.

Mary Jo, it's your
TV. It's on the blink.

Oh, I forgot. Its
been doing that lately.

Well, Mary Jo, hurry up. It's
almost on. We're gonna miss it.

Calm down, I'm trying to fix it.

There it is, there it is.

Having to eat out of tin cans

and carry Uzis.

- It's half over.
- Sorry.

And when asked to respond
to a secretary's charge

that he only hires
attractive female office staff,

his pathetic defense
was "She flatters herself."

Well, Mr. Brickette, I
think you're confused.

I think it's you
who flatter yourself

that you are in any way

a legitimate member of
the Board of Commissioners.

That you are viable
public representative.

That you are in fact
even a spokesperson

for anyone other than an arrogant,
narrow, callous, insensitive, ignorant,

and ill-informed
constituency of one.

The views expressed

are not necessarily
those of the station.

Oh, shoot, I'm just sick.

I wish we could've
seen the whole thing.

Oh, Charlene, it
wasn't that great.

You can say that again.

I mean, what did
that guy say anyway?

Don't give bums money.

Women shouldn't
have guns. So what?

That's good, Suzanne.

You have a real grasp
for condensing things.

Maybe you can get a
job at The Readers Digest.

Hello.

Yes, she is.
Mm-hmm, just a minute.

Hello, why, hi, Anthony.

Oh, Anthony, thank you so much.

Well, you're joking.

Oh, no, that's preposterous.

Well... Well, all right.

Well, we can talk about
it tomorrow morning.

Okay, Bye-bye.

What was that all about?

Well, that was Anthony calling

on behalf of his
Citizen's Rights Group.

Oh, they want to
congratulate you?

No, they want me to run for
Commissioner against Wilson Brickette.

Well, Mrs. Sugarbaker,
we just want you to know

that we are completely
serious about this

and we want to see
you name on that ballot.

Well, thank you, Mr. Meshmeyer.

- I will give it some thought.
- Please do.

And, Anthony, you
keep after her about this.

Oh, I'll do my best.

- Bye, Wayne.
- Bye-bye.

Bye, Elise.

Well, that was interesting.

Julia, I just cannot believe
that you are seriously

considering running
for public office.

Well, I think it's wonderful.
I mean she's made for it.

And the Board of
Commissioners is perfect

because she can still
keep Sugarbaker's.

Well, Mary Jo, it would
take a lot of my time,

and I've never run
for office before.

Maybe I'm not qualified.

Maybe?

Well, that's never stopped
anybody else from running.

You know what I
dreamed last night?

I dreamed that Julia was
elected Commissioner

and then she became
Mayor of Atlanta

and then Governor of Georgia,

then she worked her way all
the way up to the White House,

and she actually became

the first woman President
of the United States.

We all drove to
Washington D.C. to visit her,

and we took the
White House tour,

and then we got asked to leave

because Suzanne wouldn't
stay on the plastic runner.

As I was saying, I think you
would make a great candidate.

Lord knows you've
got the mouth for it.

Well, Anthony, you're
being awful quiet.

What do you
think about all this?

Well, I think it's great.

I mean you're bright,
innovative, articulate,

and think it would be kind
of fun to be your coach.

Coach?

Well, yeah, they asked me.

Somebody's got to get you
ready for your first debate.

Debate? Wait a minute.

Don't worry.

I'm up on all the issues,
and I don't like to brag,

but I do have an A
in political science.

Anthony, I'm not concerned
about your qualifications.

I haven't agreed to any debate.

Well, now, Julia, you're gonna
have to meet Wilson Brickette

in some kind of public forum.

All the other candidates are.

- Other candidates?
- Well, sure.

Julia will be one of five or
six other candidates filing.

But the Citizen's Collation
feels that you have

the best chance of
making him look bad.

Why?

Because you're just the
kind of woman that he hates.

No offense,

but what they don't know and
what kind of has me concerned

is that before you
can make him mad,

he'll make you mad,
and then you'll go off

on one of your machine gun

hellfire and
brimstone diatribes.

The whole podium
will go up in flames.

We'd have to run up
and drag you off the stag.

And then people will
begin to think that you're just

a big-mouth, man-busting,
liberal pinko nutcase.

I'm sorry to be so blunt,
but I have to say these things

if I'm gonna be your coach.

Well, first of all,

I have not agreed
to any of this.

But just for the record
let me assure you

that if I did agree to speak
publicly with Mr. Brickette,

you would not see one feather
ruffled on my side of the cage.

That will be the day.

Really, let's be honest.

You have been known to lose
your temper in public on occasion.

When did I lose my temper?

Julia, be serious.
You're the Terminator.

Name one time.

Well, what about
last week at the bank?

This guy in a red
Corvette pulls up,

and he parks in one
those handicap spaces.

And so Julia gets
out, goes over to him,

starts calling him this selfish,
degenerate, spineless slacker.

And then he gets
out of the car...

He's crippled.

An unfortunate
incident. I apologized.

Yes, well, that kind of
behavior in politics can be fatal.

You know, Anthony, you
sound very impressive.

I think you're gonna
be a real good coach.

Well, I've had
the best teachers.

Junior college?

No, T. Tommy and Big Razor.

Anyway, Julia, what I'm
trying to is that this is one time

you can't go around saying
everything that you feel,

even if it happens to be true.

Oh, well, then there is no way.

I mean, Julia would
just have a stroke and die

before this campaign
ever gets off the ground.

Well, I had no idea

you people considered
me a ragging maniac.

You must be frightened
to come to work.

I mean, just because

I feel passionately
about certain subjects

does not mean that I'm
unable to control myself in public

or anywhere else
for that matter.

As a matter of fact, the
more I think about this,

the more I like the
idea of running for office.

It's an idea that I have
toyed with from time to time.

I do care about the issues,

and I don't like
Wilson Brickette.

Well, now, that sounds like
an acceptance speech to me.

We're back.

If you just joined us
on Weekend Forum.

We're talking to
Commissioner Wilson Brickette

and Atlanta businesswoman
Julia Sugarbaker,

who recently filed
as the candidate

for Commissioner
Brickette's board seat.

Caller, you're on the
air. You have a question?

Yeah, I'm a member

of the National
Rifle Association,

and I support Commissioner
Brickette's stand

on every American's
inalienable right to bear arms.

And I'm not any redneck deer
hunter. I'm a professional man

who's simply interested
in protecting his family.

Amen.

Mrs. Sugarbaker?

The facts are, number 1,

a seven-day waiting period

does not prohibit anyone
from obtaining a gun

unless he or she happens
to have a criminal record.

Commissioner?

Mrs. Sugarbaker,

you're a smart gal
and pretty one, too.

When you go out at night alone,

I bet you carry some kind of
little handgun in your purse.

Now, how would you feel

if you were robbed and raped
during that seven-day period

while you waited
approval for that handgun?

Well, Commissioner, I'd probably
feel as badly as you would feel

if you were molested
and shot by someone

who'd just gotten out of prison

and bought a gun on
that very same day.

Amen.

We'll return after this message.

Julia, you are doing just great.

That last thing
really got him rattled.

Called me gal. I hate that.

10 seconds.

Okay, now, let's
just settle down.

Just keep your sense of humor.

Clear, please. Roll tape.

Well, your color's good.

You need to gloss
your lips a little.

- Fluff the hair.
- Quiet.

- Uh-Huh.
- Quiet, please.

- And smile.
- Quiet, please.

You're on the air
with Weekend Forum.

Caller, you have a question?

My children attend
school here in Atlanta,

and I do not appreciate

Commissioner
Brickette's lack of support

for our extracurricular
fine arts programs

like dance and ballet.

Listen, when the
petticoat sports

that can attract a
gate that pays for itself

like basketball and
football. Then I'll get excited.

Anyway, I think we
should spend less time

worrying about the
screwball curriculums

and get back to
the basic three Rs.

Screwball curriculums?

Petticoat sports?

I'll bet you think
Refrigerator Perry

is a better athlete than
Mikhail Baryshnikov.

I mean I don't
know what kind of...

I fully support a more expanded

program of liberal arts
in the public schools

and would do my best
to encourage funding.

And I can say is amen
to this wonderful caller

because I too want to hear
the Pledge of Allegiance

recited in the classroom again.

By the way, you
people listening in

may be interested to know

that flag sales in this country

right now are at
an all-time high.

Mrs. Sugarbaker?

I think the Pledge of
Allegiance is wonderful,

and so is the flag.

You know, it's not an
official America document.

It was taken from a
children's magazine...

Yes, but should
reciting it be mandatory?

No, it should be a privilege.

And I just don't think

I could vote for someone
like Mrs. Sugarbaker

who is so obviously
against school prayer.

You know, it warms my
heart to hear a caller like this

because it gives me the hope

that we are not going to
allow the liberals of this country

to take us down the pike again.

That's why this issue is
coming out of the closet

and back into the classroom
where it always belong

since this nation of
ours was founded.

Mrs. Sugarbaker?

Let me say once again
that I'm not against prayer.

Oh, these people are
never against prayer per se.

They're what I call
14% Christians.

They go to church one day a week

and spend the next
six trying to keep morals

and decent values out of
our schools and government...

The very two institutions

that should be
instilling these things

into our young
people to begin with.

Well, I say there's
a reason we call it

one nation under
God, indivisible.

Maybe Mrs. Sugarbaker
has just forgotten

what that phrase was all about.

No, Mr. Brickette, I
have not forgotten.

I was thinking you seem
to forgotten the phrase

Separation of church and State.

But the one thing I did forget

was just how
divisive and dishonest

and distasteful
someone like you can be.

I've sat here today and listen
to you pander to these people,

but you don't actually
care about them,

or you wouldn't be sitting here

reinforcing their
ignorance and prejudices.

You heard that, callers.

She just called you
ignorant and prejudiced.

I do not think everyone in
America is ignorant. Far from it.

But we are today probably the
most uneducated, under-read,

and illiterate nation in
the Western Hemisphere.

Which makes it all
the more puzzling to me

why the biggest question
on your small mind

is whether or not little Johnny

is going to recite the Pledge
of Allegiance every morning.

I'll tell you something
else, Mr. Brickette.

I have had it up to here with
you and your phony issues

and your Yankee-Doodle yakking.

If you like reciting the Pledge
of Allegiance every day,

then I think you should do it.

In the car. In the shower,

wherever the mood strikes you.

But don't try to tell me

when or where I have to
say or do or salute anything

because I'm an American, too.

And that is what being
an American is all about.

And another thing.

I am sick and tired
of being made to feel

that if I am not a member

of a little family
with 2.4 children

who goes just to
Jerry Farwell's church

and puts their hands over
their hearts every morning

that I am unreligious,
unpatriotic, and un-American.

Because I have news
for you, Mr. Brickette.

All liberals are not kooks

any more than all
conservatives are fascists.

And the last time I checked,

God was neither a
Democrat nor a Republican.

And just for information,
yes, I am a liberal.

But I am also a Christian,

and I get down on my
knees and pray every day.

On my own turf on my own time.

And one of things that
I pray for, Mr. Brickette,

is that people with
power will get good sense

and people with good
sense will get power

and that the rest
of us will be blessed

with the patience
and the strength

to survive the people
like you in the meantime.

♪♪

♪ Day, me say day, me say dayo ♪

♪ Daylight come, and
me wan' go home ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA