Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 1 - Reservations for 12, Plus Ursula - full transcript

♪♪

Thanks for the fudge, Mama.

Just a sec... Julia, how's
the weather in Florida?

Sunny and warm.

It's sunny, Mama, so it'll
be good flying weather.

No, no, it's actually a condo
that belongs to Reese's daughter,

but her father-in-law's sick,

so Reese is taking the
grandchildren down there,

and J.D. and Mary Jo
are taking their kids, too,

except Claudia, she went skiing.

Oh, hi, Daddy.



Yes, there's plenty of bedrooms.

It'll be good.

Okay, tell everybody at
Poplar Bluff I love them.

I love you, too.

Bye.

I'm sorry. I'm hopeless
when I call home.

You ought to see me on holidays,

except for one.

I do pretty good on Halloween.

Anthony, don't forget
to water all the plants.

- Check the alarm system.
- Right.

Oh, and don't forget to stop
by and take care of Noel.

Suzanne, let me
ask you something.

In all the times you've
gone out of town,



have I ever forgotten
to feed your pig?

No, but she has
kind of a new routine,

and I don't want
you upsetting it.

What routine?

Well, every night we drive

round the loop
with the top down,

and then I put the top up,

and we stop by the Dairy Queen,

she gets a Buster Bar,
and then we go home.

No, wait.

I'll feed her, I'll bathe
her, I'll even walk her,

but I'm not taking a
pig to the Dairy Queen.

Then I can't go.

- Suzanne.
- It's okay.

I don't want to go anyway.

I'm the only one here that
doesn't have a boyfriend.

My skin's been breaking out.

I'll just wind up lying on
the beach there by myself.

You know, Suzanne, I saw
a documentary last night

on the Discovery Channel.

It was about this
African pigmy tribe.

Now, when a boy's 9 years old,

the whole town gets a crack
at chiseling his teeth down

to these tiny little points
with a great big rock,

and then when he's 13,

they circumcise him
with a flaming knife

in front of the entire village,

and then when he's 18,

they stretch his lips out

to the size of turkey platters.

Then they stick
tree bark in them

to make sure they stay that way,

so, you know, when
you think about it,

your life's not
that hard after all.

Cab's here.

Anthony, please take the pig.

I'll make it up to you.

Julia, I'm not taking a
pig to the Dairy Queen.

I'm sorry, but I'm
just not going to do it.

- I'll give you
a hundred-dollar bonus.
- Bon voyage.

Anybody home?

Well, look who's here?

Boy, we about gave up on you.

Well, the plane was late,

and they lost all
Suzanne's luggage.

They lost your luggage?

Yeah, but it's no problem.

I'll just wear my high
heels and a hotel towel

down to the beach.

Suzanne, quit
being such a donkey.

They said they'd find it.

How could they lose anything
so big and vast and heavy?

Personally I think it fell
through the bottom of the plane.

Probably wiped out a whole town.

We should turn on the news.

J.D., old buddy, how you doing?

I'm just fine,
Reese, just fine...

I just have to say
you're a brave man

hosting a wild bunch like this.

Oh, I'm going to
turn it all over to you.

I've got a place down the road.

Here comes the Air Corps.

Hiya, Colonel. Hello, Charlene.

How you doing, Reese?

Reese, where do you
want us to put all our stuff?

We got three big bedrooms...

And since the
little ones are here,

we're not going to have
that same argument

we had that last time about
where everybody sleeps.

No, no, we don't want
to get into that. Mercy, no.

No, I just thought, the
women in that room,

the men around there,

the kids in this room over here,

and the au pair girl will
take the maid's room.

Wait a minute, what is this
au pair you keep talking about?

Somebody to stay with us
and help us with these children.

Did you hire anybody yet, Reese?

No, I was waiting
for you all to get here.

The hotel is sending a couple
of people over this afternoon.

Caroline, darling,
come over here.

What has happened to your hair?

Grandpa did it.

Yes, I can see that.

Oh, now, wait a minute here.

I thought that was a
pretty darn good braid.

I mean, I spent a
lot of time on that.

Well, if you'll all excuse me,

I'll just be taking
the maid's room

till this au pair
person arrives.

Why?

Because you all
will be in your room

changing clothes, and I
don't have any clothes,

and the men will be in their
room, and I don't have a man,

and the kids will be in their
room, and I don't have a kid,

so I'll just be in
the maid's room.

I do have a maid.

It says here you babysat
at the hotel before.

How did you like it?

Not too good, frankly.

It was a couple
staying here at the hotel.

They had just one child.

He tied me up.

He tied you up?

Yes, with a piece of magic
trick rope or something.

Do you have
children of your own?

No, but I like children.

I've always liked them and
enjoyed reading about them.

Um, says here you
were a lifeguard.

- When was that?
- 1936.

Reese, I thought the hotel said

these people would
be highly qualified.

I thought she was
a very nice lady.

After all, all she
has to do is sit here

if we want to go to a movie.

How hard can that be?

Well, evidently pretty hard.

She got tied up.

When they're at the beach,

one of us is always
going to be with them.

That's good, because I
don't think Mrs. Wallace

could make it down to the beach.

I'm going outside
to play volleyball.

All right!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Now, don't you all
go down to that water

until one of us is with you.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, we guys might as
well go and hit the sand.

You all can do the other
interview by yourselves, can't you?

Yeah, we'll like
whoever you girls like.

Hello.

On the other hand,
since she's here,

we may as well
just stay and listen.

Right. You kids go on.
We'll be along in a minute.

Are you going to
be our babysitter?

Well, I certainly hope so.

Wow.

Uh, you must be... Ursula.

Ursula. It's very
nice to meet you.

Uh, would... Uh,
won't you sit down?

Thank you.

I'm Reese, and this
is J.D., and this is Bill.

- Hi.
- How do you do?

Oh, I'm sorry. I...
terribly rude of me.

This is Mary Jo and
Charlene and uh... uh...

Julia.

- Honey...
- Hello,

- How do you do?
- Nice to meet you.

Well, I guess you saw our brood

going out the door there.

Yes, they're darling.

Don't be deceived.
They're a handful.

Uh, so to speak.

But nothing you couldn't handle.

No, gracious, no.

You look very capable.

Thank you.

- So Ursula, do you happen to have a...
- Resume?

No, a top button.

Just kidding.

I'll look at your résumé.

Here you go, Mary Jo.

She's good with names.

That's going to be a
big plus with five kids.

So you have
experience with children?

Yes, I have a Masters
in child psychology,

and I'm also a graduate

of the International
Governess School in Oslo.

My family has a long tradition
of serving as governesses,

including my mother,

who was a wet nurse for
the royal family of Denmark.

I'm going to have to get
my glasses on for this.

Will you look at that?
Seven languages.

That's very nice,
but I don't think

we're going to be
here long enough

for the children to
learn a new language.

Oh, don't be too sure.

In summer I teach Berlitz.

You know, that's something
I've been meaning to sign up for.

Boy, me, too.

You know, I've always said

everybody should
have a second language.

I never heard you say that.

I've said it. You
just weren't there.

Do you swim?

Well, I was on the 1980
and '84 Olympic swim teams.

Guess that's good enough.

I was just wondering
about cooking.

Good one. Do you cook?

Yes, I do.

I'm accredited of The
Cordon Bleu in Paris.

I had that feeling.

Well, gee, um...

You know, we're
talking to several people,

and so we could get
back to you very shortly.

Thank you so much for coming.

- Yes, thank you.
- Thank you.

It was a pleasure
meeting all of you.

- Oh, the pleasure is ours.
- The pleasure is ours. totally.

Now we know where
they get the name "au pair."

She seemed like
a very nice girl.

Yes, she seemed nice.

- I think she was
very well qualified.
- Oh, I did, too.

Reese, I thought you
liked Mrs. Wallace.

Mrs. Wallace is fine, Julia,

but she's not on
a par with this girl.

I mean, after all, we're
talking about a person

whose mother was wet nurse

for the royal family of Denmark.

I'll tell you, that impressed
the heck out of me.

She's a perfectly lovely girl,

but I for one would
be a little concerned

that the children
picking up her accent...

Oh, you know, that's true.
Gee, I hadn't thought about that.

Come on. You girls can come up

with something better than that.

What do you mean?

It's obvious that you women
feel threatened by her,

so you're trying to
make up excuses...

Feel threatened? That is the
silliest thing I've ever heard.

For heaven's sake,

we're just trying to hire
the best possible person.

Mrs. Wallace had such a nice
grandmother feel about her.

She did. I noticed that.

I think children
respond to that.

Yes, they respond
by tying her up.

Honey, you people
said it yourself.

I don't get it. A
couple of minutes ago,

Mrs. Wallace
was so old, so frail,

she couldn't even
make it to the beach.

Yeah, I noticed that, too,

and all of a sudden Mrs. Wallace
just keeps getting stronger.

Yeah, I have a feeling
before the afternoon is over,

she's going to be
climbing Mount Kilimanjaro.

That's very good.

Bill, why are you laughing?
This doesn't involve us.

Charlene, it's just
funny, that's all.

Obviously, Ursula will make
you all feel very uncomfortable.

I do not feel uncomfortable.

- Nor do I.
- Me, either.

If you guys think that
we are just so insecure,

we're going to call your bluff.

How are you going to do that?

She's hired.

What are they doing now?

They're playing volleyball.

Ursula's serving.

Everybody else is drooling.

I swear that bikini
top is nothing more

than two eye patches
strung on a rubber band.

Yeah.

It just keeps getting
lower and lower.

Let's pray the elastic holds.

You know she took them
jogging this morning?

Yup, it's on her résumé...

"marathon runner."

I got up at 5:30
to wash my hair,

and Bill and J.D. and Reese

were in here in
their sweat suits.

"Sweat" being
the operative word.

Looks like somebody
made omelets over there.

Oh, guess who.

You should have heard
them in here fawning over her,

and when she started
telling them about her travels,

how she lived with this
primitive Amazon tribe

where everyone including
Ursula had to go naked,

you could just hear
Bill and J.D. and Reese

positively panting
on the word "naked."

I swear they sound like a
couple of my daddy's old birddogs

after a rabbit hunt.

I heard Bill telling J.D.

that he had never met a
woman so adventurous.

Charlene, you should've
just marched right in there

and told them your jungle story.

- What story?
- You know,

about those turkey-platter
people who got circumcised.

Suzanne, I saw
that on television.

I didn't actually go there.

So what? Maybe her
stories aren't real, either.

Anyway, I cannot believe

that you all have gone and
hired this 27-year-old girl

to spend your vacation
with you and your boyfriends,

but since you have gone
and done something so stupid,

you could at least try
and rise to the occasion.

- How?
- There's lots of ways.

Myself, I don't care.

I'm down here alone,

and I'm spending four
days in a hotel bathrobe

with somebody named
Dell Heck emblazoned on it,

but if I were in your position,

I certainly would not be
caught running around

in a flannel nightgown
frying bacon.

I'd be getting myself
into something sexy,

I'd get down there
on that beach,

and I'd make her do something
crummy and masculine,

like chop wood.

Gee, I don't know if we
could compete with her

even if we wanted to.

Speak for yourself.

Well, Suzanne, I don't
want to hurt your feelings,

but I saw her bra hanging on
the towel rack in the bathroom.

So.

So you are not top dog anymore.

How do you know?

Because I could get my
whole head in one side of hers.

Mary Jo, you put
her bra on your head?

I couldn't help it. You know
how that fascinates me.

Suzanne's cup fits
me like a beanie, but...

Ursula's covered my whole face.

Yes. Well, Mary Jo,
this just helps to point out

the main problem you people
have that I've been talking about.

You are not competitive.

I mean, here you
have this gorgeous girl,

gets up at 5:30, cooks
your boyfriend's breakfast,

then goes jogging with
him, and what do you do?

You're in the bathroom trying
her brassiere on your head.

I mean, you're as
impressed with her as he is.

Suzanne, me not liking Ursula

is not going to make
J.D. like her less.

That's right. So far as we know,

she's a perfectly lovely
big-hearted human being

who loves life and
the people around her,

and if we resent her for that,

then we're just not the
women I thought we were.

Julia's right.
We're acting petty.

Yeah, it's kind of
embarrassing, isn't it?

On the other hand,

I suppose a little wood
chopping never hurt anybody.

By the way, Julia,

I stacked the rest of the
wood on the back porch.

Thank you, Ursula.

I guess I'll be
going to bed now.

Suzanne, we're all
going to play charades.

Yeah, you got your luggage.
You're all dressed up.

Why would you want to go to bed?

Because I thought we were
going out for the evening.

Is that why you wore your
little crown on your head?

It's not a crown.

It's just something
to hold my hair back.

Come on, admit it. It's a crown.

You know, Ursula
here was Miss Denmark.

Oh, Mr. Watson.
You make me blush.

Actually, I was runner-up.

Yeah, but that's just because you
wouldn't sleep with the judge, right?

Well, something like that,
but that's enough about me.

Funny, that's what
I was going to say.

Yeah, I had a judge try
to sleep with me once.

It was the night right
before the finals, you know,

so I just told him that I was
already sleeping with all the judges,

and I wouldn't be able
to get around to him

until after the contest.

Well, that just made him
more excited than ever,

so the next night,

after I was crowned the winner,

I just reported him
to pageant officials

for homosexual activity
with a hotel bellman.

I don't believe that
requires comment.

Now, it's going to be the women
against the men. Is that right?

Right, and Ursula. We get her on
our team because we're a man short.

That's right.
Ursula, you go first.

Should I just pick one?

Oh, whoa, wait, wait,
wait, wait a minute.

We have to have a
little conference first.

- What's wrong?
- I didn't know Ursula was going to play.

There's some in here
we don't want her to have.

- Like what?
- Well... for instance,

The Hite Report... A
study of female sexuality.

I mean, I don't think we
want to see her act that out.

Good point.

We better throw away One
Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

What's wrong with that one?

Nothing, unless you don't
mind watching her flap her arms.

So just give her Benji.

Then she'll have to act like
a dog, and I can go to sleep.

Benji's too easy.

What are you writing, Julia?

Something I read
a few weeks ago.

I don't know why I
didn't think of it before.

It's bland. It's
dull. It's foolproof.

Kissinger... A Compendium Of Thought
On The Man, The Power, The Politics.

Perfect. Ursula,
sorry we took so long.

Here, Ursula. It's for you.

Thank you.

Take your time, Ursula.
Don't let them intimidate you.

I don't like the way they took
so much time with this one.

Okay, I'm ready.

They're never going to get this.

Uh, Kissinger... A Compendium Of Thought
On The Man, The Power, The Politics.

Yes!

Oh, Mr. Watson,
you make me blush.

Reese! Reese! Call me Reese!

We're all fantastic.

Julia, you got any
more good ones?

What... What are you all doing?

We can't sleep. We
want to talk to you.

You all might as well get up.
It's almost time to go jogging.

Yup. I think I heard
Ursula suiting up.

Okay, okay, we
knew this was coming.

Let's just get it all
out on the table.

You all don't like her.

No, no, we do.
As a matter of fact,

that's what we were discussing.

We do like her.

That's right.

It's you we don't like.

Fine. Can we go
back to sleep now?

No, you can not go to
sleep, Reese Watson.

- Ow.
- Sit up here
and listen to me.

I've had about enough
of this foolishness.

I'm a mature woman
with a grown son,

but for some reason,
every time I go away

with you and our
friends for a weekend,

I am reduced to participating

in these pubescent,
teenage situations

where it's the boys
against the girls,

and it always ends
up in a big fight.

What I want to know is why?

Well, I can't say
for sure, Julia,

but sometimes you do have

a little bit of an attitude.

You're darn right
I have an attitude,

and my attitude is that Charlene
and Mary Jo and Suzanne and I

have come down here

to have an enjoyable,
pleasant, peaceful vacation,

and so far our only reward
has been to sit around

and watch you men
drool in your socks

over some Scandinavian
import we have never seen before

and will never see again

unless, of course,
one or more of you

has recently become engaged.

You see, it's not that
we don't like Ursula.

It's that we don't like the
way that you act around Ursula

and the way that
that makes us feel.

Well, how does it make you feel?

Crummy.

We want you to knock it off.

I mean, just what if
the tables were turned?

I mean, what if we had hired
some incredible-looking man

who just happened to have some
incredible physical endowment,

and we just sat around all day

staring and
squealing with delight?

Now, wait a minute. I think
you're way off base here.

I haven't heard anybody
squeal with delight.

- I might have once.
- Not funny.

Well, okay, all right, maybe we
have gotten a little bit out of hand.

I don't know.

I've got Ben and
Caroline down here

calling me Grandpa.

This beautiful girl
walks in the door,

makes me feel a little younger,

a little brighter.

Maybe I did step
over the line a bit,

you know, trying to recapture

the heady exhilaration
of male camaraderie

and lost youth.

You know what? I
think Reese is right.

We have all been
a little inconsiderate.

Truth is Charlene
is so spectacular,

I forget that she could ever
feel insecure around anybody.

And, you know, there are no other
women in the world like you three,

and of course Suzanne
goes without saying.

Amen.

At least I've never
come across any.

You never will, J.D. my friend,

because after these women,

there can be no other women

lest we lose our manliness
in search of pale comparison.

Or even in some other way.

Come here.

Now, Mrs. Sugarbaker,

let me reiterate once again

that I am hopelessly,
shamelessly, and unabashedly

in love with you.

Now, what do you say?

I say you're cocky
and full of yourself

and need to be taken
down a notch or two.

Yeah?

Well, I say that you're
just the girl to do it.

Oh, Mr. Watson,
you make me blush.

Oh, good morning.

I was just going to get
the guys up for a run.

Oh, no, I wouldn't do that.
Why don't you sit down?

Ursula, I'm a
very direct person,

so I'm just going to
cut right to the chase.

All right.

When we came down here
to Florida with the children,

we were hoping this would
be a wonderful vacation,

but so far it hasn't been.

Oh, did I do something wrong?

Well, no, not exactly.

It's just that this
is a small condo,

you're a big girl,

and quite frankly you're just
bothering the heck out of people.

I'm sorry. I never
meant to bother anyone.

Oh, I think deep down

you might have
enjoyed it just a little.

Why do you say that?

Because if I were you,

and in many ways I am,

I would have enjoyed it.

I've tried to be unobtrusive.

Ursula, let's get serious.

This is not an
unobtrusive outfit.

I mean, these are not
clothes that scream,

"Yes, my job is taking
care of small children!"

Well, I could go change.

No, no, I don't think
that would help.

I think you're just one of
these people who's too much.

- Too much?
- Yes.

Julia and Charlene and Mary
Jo would never tell you so.

They're too nice, I can tell
you because I'm too much, too.

I'm sorry, I just don't
know what you mean.

I mean your smile is too
big, your heart is too big,

- and quite frankly
your breasts are too big.
- So what are you saying?

I'm saying I want you to take
your big knockers and hit the road.

If you wouldn't mind.

Well, I guess there's only room
for one queen bee around here.

That's right, and
I'm afraid I'm it.

You're an interesting woman.
I admire your directness.

I thought you would.

Well, I'll just be
getting my things.

I'll write you a check,
and don't worry.

I won't tell anyone
about our little talk.

I'll just say that you were
called home to Denmark.

Right.

Well, girls, happy vacation.

Closed-Captioned By J. R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA