Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 22 - Reservations for Eight - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

I think we have to put the rest of
these bags on the luggage rack.

Wait a minute. Are you crazy?

No way are you putting
my Louis Vuitton luggage

on top of a car.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
know they were Louis Vuitton.

In that case we'll just get
some young black porters

to run along the side
of the car and carry it.

Well, there's no
more room in my trunk.

We might try the station wagon.

We might squeeze a
couple more back there.



Well, what are all
these little bags for?

Oh, those are my cosmetics.

My word, nobody's that ugly.

Okay, now all
you girls, listen up.

We're not gonna stop at every gas
station between here and North Carolina.

So everybody get
in there right now

and do your business
before we take off.

Gee, I thought
this was gonna fun.

It's taking kind of an
ugly tone. Okay, I'll go.

Oh, my suit bag.

Julia, I can't believe you women

need this much luggage
for just one skiing weekend.

Reese, all these suitcases,
almost all are Suzanne's.

She always overpacks.



I do not.

You most certainly do.

That time Mother and Daddy
took us to the Grand Canyon,

they had to destroy your burrow.

Well, I'm sorry, but I think should
be entitled to take extra baggage

since I don't have a
man traveling with me.

What does that
have to do with it?

Well, you have Bill,
and Julia has Reese,

and Mary Jo has J.D.,

and since Dash is meeting us at
the lodge and not taking up space

in the car on the way there, I
think I should get a little perk

like getting to take
extra baggage.

Why don't I just give
you a dollar or something?

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I had
to teach a flight class.

Hi, honey.

- Hi.
- Bill, how are you doing?

- Good, J.D. How are you?
- Good.

- Reese.
- Well, Bill, old buddy,

I know you're gonna be
upset, but we just finished

loading up both
cars without you.

Oh, gee. Well,
now I do feel badly.

Oh, yeah? Well, I don't
want to say anything,

but Anthony swears he saw you
drive by about 20 minutes ago.

Been telling on me, huh?
How you doing, Anthony?

- Oh, just fine. Let me
take that for you.
- Thank you.

Now, here's a man
that knows how to pack.

All right. Let's go. Let's go.

Head them out. Move
them out. Come on, let's go.

[overlapping chatter]

All aboard. Move them
out. Let's go. Let's go.

How are we gonna ride?

Very, very close.

[Julia] An avalanche?

I can't believe it.
Was anybody hurt?

No, but they're gonna
have to check for damages,

so the ski lift's gonna be shut
down for the next 24 hours.

- What time did you get here?
- About 7.

I just went on
ahead and built a fire

and mixed up a batch
of hot buttered rum.

- Dash, you're a good man.
- Please.

How's everything at the
University of Arkansas?

Going along as usual. I must say

I have been looking
forward to this little break.

How was your car trip?

Oh, it was just horrendous.

We ate at this truck stop where
the food wasn't even very good.

That does sound
like a nightmare.

Listen, I just put my stuff
in that first bedroom there.

I didn't know how y'all
wanted to arrange it.

Obviously, Dash, you didn't
see us when we pulled in.

There's not gonna be
any room for your stuff.

Girls loaded you down, huh?

Oh, Lord, we look like that family
in The Grapes of Wrath going skiing.

Well, there seem to be four
bedrooms. How are we gonna sleep?

Gee, I never was a whiz at math,

but I do have one
equation that comes to mind.

Reese Watson, we
had an understanding.

Now, whatever our individual
personal relationships

while we're all here together,

it's gonna be the
girls stay with the girls,

the boys stay with the boys.

Oh, sure, right.

Otherwise, I know my parents
wouldn't have let me come.

Well, Julia and I thought that
she and I stay in one room,

and Charlene and Suzanne
can stay in the other.

I hadn't heard
anything about this.

- Well, it's no big deal.
- Speak for yourself.

Well, it's just that I
can't sleep with Suzanne.

She's too wild. She
kicks the covers.

See? You should have picked
me. I would act however you want.

And then Reese and
J.D. can stay in a room.

Wait a minute.
What room is that?

Well, I don't know.
Bedroom number 3.

I think they're all
pretty much the same.

It won't make any difference.

Oh, maybe to you.

But maybe Reese and
I want something extra,

- like a fireplace.
- That's right.

We want our time
together to be special.

And then the other
room, whatever it is,

can be for Bill and Dash.

Bill and Dash?
For crying out loud,

you want them to sleep together?

They don't even know each other.

Well, now I did meet
him a few minutes ago,

and he seems like
a perfectly nice fella.

Thank you. I appreciate
that vote of confidence.

I just don't think it's right

that Julia and Mary
Jo should go around

assigning people roommates
without asking them first.

All right, Suzanne, who do
you want to say with? Dash?

Certainly not.

Well... Well, at least
he is my ex-husband.

The rest of you all haven't
even been married to each other.

Well, I think she
makes a good point.

Dash should get to
sleep with Suzanne

just for having been
married to her once.

I mean, the guy deserves it.

Anyway, he can
represent the rest of us.

It'll be a kind of proxy deal

for all of us guys who aren't
gettin' to sleep with anyone.

That's right, Dash. You
can carry our banner.

Wait a minute. Before anyone
goes carrying any banner,

I'm not sleeping with Dash Goff.

I was just sorta hoping that
since I have the most stuff,

I could, you know, have
a bedroom all to myself.

Even better. Then Reese
and I will just have to sacrifice

and double up with
Mary Jo and Julia.

Yeah. It'll be
fun, like camping.

Now, listen. I don't mind
if Suzanne stays with me.

I'm used to all of
her paraphernalia.

Would you all
listen to yourselves?

You sound like a
bunch of little boys.

I had thought that we
were all mature adults

who see each other
on a regular basis.

Well, except for
Suzanne and Dash,

and I certainly don't see
anybody looking deprived.

So couldn't we all just
have a nice weekend outing

and try to maintain some
semblance of decorum?

We could, but it's not
gonna be as much fun.

Aw, come on, Julia,
who are we kidding?

You're right. I mean,
we are, uh, mature adults.

It's not like we're just
a bunch of big apes

trying to get in your rompers.

We're talking about
three or four couples here

involved in loving, ongoing,
fidelitous relationships.

Three.

Three fidelitous relationships.

Right. Well, anyway,
I know I'm fidelitous.

How about you guys?

- Right.
- Right.

And if any pair of us

had gone away for
the weekend alone,

we would most certainly
be staying together,

so what's the big pretense?

I mean, we never said

we were innocent of
lascivious thoughts,

but you girls don't have to act

like you're the last
boatload of virgins

out of Pompeii, either.

Well said.

And high time somebody said it.

Dash Goff, what are you
getting involved with this for?

I mean, you're certainly not
gonna be staying with me.

Haven't even seen you in months.

I know.

And, Reese, you've just gotten more and
more obnoxious ever since we left Atlanta.

I don't know what's
gotten into you.

I don't know what's gotten
into any of 'em except Bill.

He's the only one who's been just a
perfect darling ever since we left home.

He and Charlene have
acted better than anybody.

Well, thank you. That's
sweet. Isn't that sweet, honey?

Yeah.

No wonder they act good. Bill
doesn't need a room for anything.

They're having sex even
when they're not having it.

- Reese!
- Aw, look at 'em.

They're just hanging
onto each other.

I mean, their
hormones are raging.

They don't even
know where they are.

Reese Watson, now you've
gone and embarrassed Charlene.

- No, Bill's the one
who's embarrassed.
- Me?

You are. Isn't he
cute when he blushes?

- Oh, he's... he's darling.
- Yeah. He's darling.

Yeah.

Oh, now, come on, y'all.

Let's stop fighting and
have a nice weekend.

I know this is not turnin' out
the way we planned, but look.

Tomorrow we'll go grocery
shopping. I'll make a big pot of stew.

We'll play cards. Now, we're only
gonna be cooped up for about 24 hours,

and they'll open the ski
lift. Now, how bad can it be?

First they say 24 hours,
and now it's been 36.

If you ask me, they should just
bring a big paddy wagon up here

and arrest some of
these park rangers

for letting this avalanche
happen to begin with.

What worries me is
how do we know one isn't

gonna come down here
and crush this cabin?

That terrifies me.

Yeah, it terrifies me, too.
When the spring thaw comes,

J.D. and I could be
found in bed together.

Say, Dash, how are
you and the colonel

getting along in bedroom 4?

Oh, fine. Couple more days
of being cooped up together,

we may have an
announcement for you.

Hey, guys, I thought we
were gonna play cards here.

We were, but now
we're watching Oprah.

Oh, well, Oprah. Well, we
sure don't want to interrupt that.

Y'all ever listen to what's
going on these shows?

They are doing some
heavy man-bashing.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I watch
'em all the time

when I'm in my hotel
room on a scouting trip,

and I tell you
who the worst is...

That Phil "Is the
caller there" Donahue.

I mean, now, that guy
is kicking our teeth in.

Yeah, that guy's a little too sensitive
for me. You know what I mean?

There's sensitive,
and then there's a line

you cross over into wimpdom.

I'm afraid old Phil
has entered wimpdom.

I like Phil Donahue.

I think he's as sharp and
incisive as Ted Koppel.

Yeah, well, I think
he's a woman.

You know, you're right. He
should change his name to Phyllis.

A friend of mine said men
are amateur human beings

- and hope's the greatest...
- Why?

But how are we gonna get
them to be professionals?

Can you believe
it? She just said

that we're amateur human
beings. How do you like that?

Come on, you guys. You're just
trying to get something started

'cause you're mad about
the sleeping arrangements.

Jo, I don't know where you come
up with this stuff. We are not mad.

I mean, you women
think that all men are...

Are some kind of
ogres or something,

that we have a one-track mind,

that sex is all we
ever think about.

Well, that is just not true.

Oh? What else
do you think about?

Well, I think about, uh,
cultural things, like the ballet.

Oh, get serious.

Oh. I bet Reese does, too.

That's right. I would
have to say the ballet.

Dash?

Oh. Uh, definitely the ballet.

You all are just afraid
to have this conversation,

so you just gonna make jokes.

Why would we be afraid?

Because you're men.

Because you thought
we were all going

to stay together, and...

you're too old to act childish,

so you make jokes
to cover up your anger.

That's right. You just
show off for each other

by making wisecracks
and everything

so it won't look like anybody's
manhood has been impugned or anything.

Julia and I figured this
all out in bed last night.

Can you believe this? You know
what the problem with women is?

They overanalyze
everything to death.

I mean, everything
is such a big deal.

Is that not the truth? I'll
tell you, you go to a party,

absolutely nothing
happens, and two hours later,

a woman will tell you how you
humiliated her in front of everyone.

Was it 76 or 77% of the
women in your study, Cher,

that said men don't listen?

Can you believe
that? Men don't listen.

Listening is what men do best.
They never get a chance to talk.

You seem to be doing all right.

Well, because first of
all, men act certain ways

that drive women totally crazy.

One of those ways
is to be distant.

Another way that
men drive women crazy

is by those dominating
behaviors, those little...

- Hey, what's goin' on?
- Shh.

What's going on is that
we men are mad as hell

and we're not gonna
take it anymore.

That last remark about women
not liking dominating behavior...

That's the one that
just sticks in my craw.

Oh, sure, they're always
begging you to be more sensitive,

but you just try having
a good cry in front of 'em

over anything other than
a death in your family.

You just see how that goes over.

You've got the cold north
wind blowing up your pant leg.

Dash Goff, I cannot
believe you are saying that!

When we were married, when was I
ever cruel to you because you cried?

I'm not talking
about us, Suzanne.

When I was married to
you, I cried all the time.

Well, thank you very much.

You know, the only
reason I invited you up here

is because the two
men I've been dating

coincidentally both
fell and broke their hips.

Not because I
need to be insulted.

Now, I'd like to
respond to that.

But I don't understand it.

You can't understand
anything they say.

You know, the truth is,
you girls talk a good line

about wanting a guy to be, uh,
you know, sweet and sensitive,

but those are the guys
you drive your cars over.

What I don't understand is
why they don't understand

that we are talking about
a matter of degrees here.

Yes, we want a man to
be sensitive and vulnerable,

and we also want him to
be strong and masculine.

Women have integrated
these qualities quite nicely.

Why can't men do the same?

Yes! I mean, why do you
have to be so extreme?

There is just never
a happy medium.

It seems like most of you
are either wimps or jackasses!

Oh, boy, I hate that, you know?

You know? That pose
that women assume,

like they're these
superior human beings

much more tuned in to emotion,
language, culture, children,

and we are just these... these
big, untrainable Neanderthals

stumbling through life who
occasionally fall on top of them.

Right! And apparently, even
that we don't do long enough

to satisfy 'em.

That old Samuel Johnson

said it over 200 years ago.

Nature has given
women so much power;

the law has very
wisely given them little.

[men chuckle]

Not that I agree with him.

Now, now. Hey, Dash, old
buddy, now don't you apologize.

You stick to your guns here.

Well, I, for one, have
always been partial to

"Women have served
all these centuries

"as looking glasses,

"possessing the magic
and delicious power

"of reflecting the figure of man

at twice his natural size."

Who said that?

Mrs. Samuel Johnson.

Try Virginia Wolff.

Now, that is the
attitude I really hate...

The one that says
men are little boys

who need all this
ego bolstering.

You know, these
females are trained for it.

It starts in elementary school,

them telling us how
big and strong we are

and then how great
that touchdown was,

and then, "Yes, yes, I
love you and I promise

someday you can put your
hand there." But you see,

it's all a manipulative
tactic to gain control.

And then they talk to us
about honesty and real feelings.

Yeah. How the hell are we supposed
to know what real feelings are?

You women have been
lying to us for so long.

We're so mixed up by
the time we're grown,

we can't tell a real compliment
from a tactical maneuver.

Uh, Bill. Feel free to jump
in here anytime you want.

Um, no, I hear
what you're saying,

and I agree with a lot of it.

- You do?
- Well, yeah,

especially the part abut
how you manipulate us.

Dang right.

Bill, I don't manipulate you.

I mean every compliment
I've even given you.

I really do think you are
the sweetest, kindest,

most handsome
man I've ever known.

You do?

Yes, I do.

Sorry. My mistake.

Hey, that's all right. He can't be
held responsible for his actions.

He's in the middle
of mating season.

Well. I just want to say

that I think this thing about being
sexually satisfied is way overrated.

Men and women
both act like that is just

the be-all, end-all
thrill of all time.

Books are written about it.
Marriages break up over it,

and, well, I just don't get it.

I mean, we're
talking about what...

six or seven seconds here?

And it... I mean, it's okay,
but it's not as good as,

say, having somebody put a
crown on your head or shopping.

Thank you, Suzanne. Thank
you for sharing that with everyone.

That's okay, Dash. You
paid your dues, buddy.

We know where
that's coming from.

Well, I'll tell you
what really kills me

is that stuff that Freud said

about us wanting what men have.

Now, I mean, is that the most
absurd thing you ever heard of?

Like we're gonna walk
up to some guy and go,

"Yeah, boy, I sure would
like to have me one of those.

"Yes, sir, if I just
had me one of those,

I would be in business."

M-Mary Jo!

I do not believe you!

You are completely
outta control!

That's right, and you
are not the boss of me!

I'll tell you what. I
don't get this bond

that y'all have formed
since you came.

You weren't even close friends,

and now it's like the
guys against the girls.

I mean, it's just so immature.

You guys, it's
time to go to dinner.

Hey, don't try to
shame us. Okay?

We need all the
reinforcements we can get here.

In case you haven't noticed it,

there is a war
going on out there,

- and you women started it.
- Oh, no, we did not.

But that is a typical
male attitude.

Now, the truth is that we
women haven't had enough

power or money or confidence
to start much of anything,

but we sure as heck get
the blame for everything.

And I'll you something
else. I love men.

In particular, I love this one.

But you cannot ignore history.

And history has shown that
in general, it has been the men

who have done the raping
and the robbing and the killing

and the war mongering
for the last 2,000 years.

It has been the men who have
done the pillaging and the beheading

and the subjugating of
whole races into slavery!

It has been the men who have done
the law making and the money making

and most of the mischief making,

so if the world isn't quite
what you had in mind,

you have only
yourselves to thank.

Oh, yeah?

That's what you think about men?

Well, let me tell you
something about women!

- Yeah?
- What?
- What?

They're always late!

Reese, old buddy, no offense,

but I think we can
elaborate on that.

No, no, no. I don't
think there's any need to.

No, Dash, if women are
as intuitive as they say,

then they know for
more than mere men

what ails their sex.

And if I were to point it out,

I would only be
considered ungallant.

Well, that hasn't
stopped you so far.

Anyway, as Sophocles
put it so succinctly,

few women are dumb
enough to listen to reason.

- We're gonna lose our
reservation.
- Reese!

As I was about to say before
I was rudely interrupted,

like thousands of my
brethren before me,

by the simultaneously
enticing and infuriating

high-pitched female whine,

this argument isn't
going to be settled tonight

or next week or next year or
a thousand years from now.

Because it's the war
between men and women...

and it's been going on
since Adam and Eve.

Ahh, good old Adam. Probably
no man ever got so much

out of one surgical operation.

So true, Dash, so true.

That is such a
chauvinistic remark.

Yes, but on some
level, you kinda like it.

Like what?

The fact that you
evolved from us,

that we protect and cherish you,

that we fight those wars for you

and lay our bounty at your feet.

Eat dirt!

Nice talk!

- Let's go!
- I don't buy
all that stuff,

that you do the pillaging
and the beheading for us.

For heaven's sake, you do
it to show off to each other.

Oh, no. We do it because
we want to be your heroes.

You're darned right. That's
why we chopped down the forest,

conquered the
mountains, built cities,

and in general,
civilized the world.

Have you all ever
heard such drivel?

So that we could return home

and bask in your rapturous,
unattainable beauty.

Well, now, that is a good point.

To women... wild and wonderful.

May they be the last
thing civilized by man.

- Hear, hear.
- Amen.

The last thing civilized by man?

Can you believe this?

Is that not the most
patronizing remark

you have ever heard?

Reese Watson, let
me just tell you this.

You got so full of
yourself up here,

we're gonna have
to rent a flatbed truck

to get you home.

The most arrogant speech...

[overlapping arguing]

[J.D.] ...hearing all this
stuff about women's rights.

I can't believe you said that!

I've got some rights
of my own, you know,

- and that involves getting...
- The end!

Suzanne, the next time you
want to talk about our sex life,

why don't you just rent the
scoreboard at the Super Bowl?

It'd be a heck of
a lot more private.

♪♪ [romantic instrumental]

♪♪ [woman vocalizing]

[Man] ♪ You're a lady ♪

♪ You're an angel ♪

♪ Bringing sunshine ♪

♪ To my life ♪

♪ You're the closest ♪

♪ Thing to heaven ♪

♪ I've ever had ♪

♪ Oh, but sometimes ♪

♪ You're a devil ♪

♪ When you reach out ♪

♪ And dim the lights ♪

♪ And mmm, mmm ♪

♪ You're so good ♪

♪ When you're bad ♪

♪ You would never ♪

♪ Hurt anybody ♪

♪ You're too gentle ♪

♪ Sweet and kind ♪

♪ Still I keep on ♪

♪ Doin' things ♪

♪ That make you sad ♪

♪ But you don't hold back ♪

♪ On your feelings ♪

♪ When there's lovin' ♪

♪ On your mind ♪

♪ And mmm, mmm ♪

♪ You're so good ♪

♪ When you're bad ♪

♪ I could say that you're
the perfect woman ♪

♪ If you're not, it's
just because of me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm hung up
on the perfect woman ♪

♪ And I don't know
how I deserve to be ♪

♪ I see other ♪

♪ Pretty women ♪

♪ Lord, they still ♪

♪ Look good to me ♪

♪ And there's some ladies ♪

♪ That can drive ♪

♪ Some men mad ♪

♪ But when an angel ♪

♪ Lets her hair down ♪

♪ Lord, that's somethin' ♪

♪ Else to see ♪

♪ And mmm, mmm ♪

♪ You're so good ♪

♪ When you're bad ♪

♪ And I say mmm, mmm ♪

♪ You're so good ♪

♪ When you're bad ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ When there's lovin' ♪

♪ On your mind ♪

♪ And mmm, mmm ♪

♪ You're so good ♪

♪ When you're bad ♪