Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 21 - Ted-Bare - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

I think it's real nice the
way your church collects

all these clothes every
year for school children.

Just seems like people
don't take the time

to do that sort
of thing anymore.

Yes. What amazes me are
the things people will donate.

I mean, did this
person actually think

some child would like
to wear this to school?

Wow. That's amazing, isn't it?

That was some big woman.

Wonder where she swam?



I don't know, Charlene.

What difference does it make?

None. I was trying to picture
what it must have looked like.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Had to have a parent-child
conference this morning.

Uh-oh, which child?

Both. First,

Quint has discovered cuss words.

He uses them constantly.

Seems like he's picked them
up from some kid at school

named Vinnie. Can you
imagine a 7-year-old named that?

So now he's saying things like

"Where the hell is my
Flintstones lunchbox?"

Or, "Who used up all the
damn ink in my Mr. Squiggly?"



Well, you know he's
only doing it for effect.

I know. I didn't act
shocked or anything.

I figured I'd get Anthony
to have a little talk with him.

He thinks Anthony's
the coolest thing around.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, I think he's got
his work cut out for him.

Yesterday Quint asked me

if I'd ever seen a picture
of a naked woman.

Seems that Vinnie has
been bringing them to school.

And then this morning I found
one of his notebooks in the car.

And he's drawn a naked
woman on the back of it.

I don't know whether to be
more upset because he drew it

or because he didn't get
everything in the right spots.

The top part's pretty good,

but I don't have any clue
as to what this stuff is.

Looks like he
sort of lost interest.

Yeah.

Anyway, it's just been
one of those weeks.

Claudia and I have
been arguing for days

about this awful rock
music she listens to.

It's unbelievable.

It is sick.

It has words like "Mothers
arise and eat your young."

Whatever happened to "Put
your head on my shoulder"

and "Please, Mr. Postman"?

Mary Jo, that's just
her way of being a rebel.

We did exactly the same thing.

Oh, come on. The most
rebellious song I ever played

was "It's My Party
and I'll Cry if I Want To."

Oh, I love that song.

[both] ♪ It's my party
and I'll cry if I want to ♪

♪ Cry if I want to ♪

♪ Cry if I want to ♪

♪ You would cry too
if it happened to you ♪

Now, those are songs
that make sense.

And just to round out the week,

I got a call from Ted, and he
wants to have dinner with me tonight.

Oh, what does J.D.
think about that?

I don't know. He's in St.
Louis scouting a ball game.

Why should he care if I have
dinner with my ex-husband?

Father of my children?

It's not like it's gonna
be anything romantic.

I thought he was supposed to be
getting married to What's-Her-Face.

Tammy. Yeah, he is.
The wedding's in April.

- What does he want with you?
- I don't know, Charlene.

Knowing Ted, he probably
wants to ask me to serve punch.

Yep. Knowing you,
you'll probably do it.

So tell me, Quentin, old buddy.

- How's that malt?
- Good.

Not too thick, I hope.

Good, because
you're my main man.

You don't like something,
I just send it right back.

We do not go second class.

I almost scored a goal today.

Well, that does not
surprise me a bit.

I'm bigger than some of
the other kids on my team.

Except for Vinnie.
He's bigger than me.

He also got some naked
people in his locker.

Uh-huh.

Well, now.

You don't have any
in yours, do you?

No, but you know
what Vinnie said?

He said his team's gonna
beat the damn hell out of us.

And what'd you say?

I cussed him back.

Well, you know
what I would've said?

I'd say, "Phooey."

- Phooey?
- Yes, sir.

Why?

Well, because I for one
do not use cuss words.

I think it makes you common.

You know what "common" means?

Well, that means you're
just like everybody else.

You can't think for yourself.

And I don't want to
be like everybody else,

so I've got my
own word that I use.

Phooey.

I've heard it before,
but not that much.

Some of the biggest, meanest
dudes in prison use phooey.

- They did?
- Yes, they did.

And didn't anybody
mess with them, either.

You know, the President of
the United States uses phooey.

He doesn't look very tough.

Well, he doesn't have
to. He's the President.

The question is

do you want to be
like everybody else,

or do you want to
be a real leader?

What guys in prison said it?

Oh, nobody you would know.
Just some friends of mine.

Guys like Lefty
"Dogface" Patterson,

Chainsaw McCarver,

Tommy "the Skullsucker" Krebs.

"The Skullsucker"
is a real name?

Oh, yes, I believe it was.

Of course, I never asked,

'cause he was just
too mean to talk to.

Some people say that he
actually ate his own mattress.

Would you care
for anything else?

Do you have any
chocolate sprinkles?

Sorry. We're all out.

Phooey.

All right.

Aside from using bad language,

he's just become
such a little capitalist.

The metal detector you gave him.

Now he wants me to
take him on a big train ride

because, as he explained to
me with his eyes glazed over,

there will be hundreds
of rows of people

all leaning back in their seats

with all that change

just falling out
of their pockets.

Can you believe it?

Some kids dream of
summer camp and baseball.

Our kid dreams of
vacuuming up Amtrak.

There's nothing wrong
with a little ambition.

He'll make a fine
bank president.

- Yeah, or maybe
just a jackass.
- Mary Jo.

I'm not kidding. He's
becoming way too materialistic.

I want you to stop giving
him so many things.

All right, if you say so.

You're not gonna
give me an argument?

No. Why should I? I don't
get to see you that often.

I don't want to spend what
little time we have fighting.

You feeling all right, Ted?

You're not dying or
anything, are you?

No, I never felt better. In
fact, I was sitting here thinking

what an incredibly beautiful
woman you've become.

When I first married
you, you were still a girl.

But now everything
about you is different...

Your hair, your bone structure.

My child bride has become
an incredibly beautiful woman.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm the one who's
dying, aren't I?

My pap smear came
back to the hospital,

and they told you first.

You're not dying. Take
a compliment, all right?

It's just that being
around Tammy

makes me appreciate a
certain maturity in a woman.

Don't get me wrong. I love her.

There's a lot to be
said for firm thighs.

But you know,

she doesn't even remember
when Kennedy was assassinated.

Sometimes that makes
me feel really lonely.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, sorta.

And the other day,

"I Want to Hold Your
Hand" came on the radio,

and she'd never heard it.

That's kind of sad, isn't it?

Actually, it's not all that sad.

You know, she tries to do
things the way I like them,

but she's still just a kid.

And as far as cooking, well,

she's never going to
master your beef Wellington.

Now, that was something
worth coming home for.

Well, I should have
cooked it every night.

You're the only one who can
make it as good as my mother.

I'm sure you think

that my thighs are
like your mother's, too.

Are you kidding?

I loved your body,
every part of it.

And as far as butts
go, yours is unequaled...

Even better than Tammy's.

In fact, in all my travels

to medical conventions
around the world,

I've never seen a
better-looking butt than yours.

Not even in Tokyo.

What does Tokyo have
to do with anything?

Nothing. They just seem to have

a high density of
good ones over there.

Mary Jo, I'm a surgeon.

My eye can discern
superior tissue

100 yards away from
the specimen in question,

and, uh, you are
one fine specimen.

- I just have one question.
- Hmm.

Where were you
when we were married?

[Ted, laughing] Then
there was the time

Davis Henderson and I

took those nurses
skiing in Tahoe

and you found out about it.

Oh ho ho! And when I got home

and the cab pulled up outside,

all my clothes were
on the front lawn.

Not in suitcases or
boxes or anything,

just on the lawn everywhere.

I mean, nobody else
would have the guts

to do something
like that but you.

It was so outrageous.

Even I started
to feel a little bad

when I realized that all
your little Jockey shorts

had become frozen to the shrubs.

I remember.

And the cab driver's
looking at me,

and I don't know what to say,

so I just say, "Well,

"looks like my
wife's getting ready

for another garage sale."

- You didn't.
- Yes, I did.

Hell, I had to say something.
It was embarrassing.

We're going to wake the kids.

What?

Shh. We're going
to wake the kids.

I like how that sounds.

Say it again.

Ted.

Okay.

But I want to ask you
one serious question.

Don't you think, uh...

What's his name...
J.D.'s ears are a little big?

No, I don't.

Everybody's ears look
big in a baseball cap.

And you know perfectly
well what his name is.

It's nothing personal.

He just sort of strikes me

as looking like a
young Lyndon Johnson.

[chuckling]

I mean, if you like the type.

I do.

And as long as
we're on the subject,

he thinks of you as...

not tall.

What do you mean, not
tall? What did he say?

He said you were short.

He said that?

Yes, he did.

I wasn't going to tell you,

but you insulted him.

I didn't insult him.

I was just commenting
on his ears, and...

What did you mean
by "little Jockey shorts"?

Nothing.

It was just a little joke.

You know, it is highly unlikely

that the kids you have with him

will ever be as cute as ours.

Ted, I don't want to hear this.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm just taking cheap shots

because sometimes I don't like

the thought of you and him...

Well, actually, I never like
the thought of you and him.

- Ted.
- But I can't help it.

I just seem to be
thinking about it

more and more lately, and...

You always looked
so enticing in bed,

kind of like a puppy.

Playful, but, uh, fragile.

Your hair.

I was such a dumb
bastard, you know?

I just can't believe it.

I mean, if somebody
had told me a week ago

that Ted Shively would like
to be married to me again,

I would have said
"You're out of your mind!"

I would have said

that Gary Hart and Donna Rice

have a better chance
of being together again

than me and Ted Shively.

It doesn't seem all that strange
to me that Ted's interested.

After all, you're the one

who wanted the divorce, not him.

Oh, come on. He wanted it.

He told me in a
hundred little ways.

- How?
- By having a hundred
little girlfriends.

It wasn't that I
wanted a divorce.

It was just that final,
ridiculous story of his

that just put me
right over the top.

Oh. You mean what he said

about finding that
brassiere in his luggage?

Yeah.

He had a brassiere
in his luggage?

How'd he explain that?

He said that it was
a cloth halter case

for a double prosthesis
that he was working on.

And he isn't even
involved in research.

I mean, it was
just too insulting.

Well, it doesn't sound

like he's changed
all that much to me.

I mean, if he's going around
trying to reconcile with you

while he's engaged
to somebody else.

Well, I mean, he didn't
exactly come right out

and say it.

I can just tell.

Mary Jo, what
exactly did he say?

Well, he said that...
That I was beautiful.

I think "incredibly beautiful"
was the term he used.

I mean, I know that
doesn't sound like much,

but Ted just
doesn't talk that way.

Well, he sure
talked that way to me

when we were dating.

I mean, if he told me I was
incredibly beautiful once,

he must have
said it 1,500 times.

And then he said
that I was... enticing,

sort of fragile and
playful like a puppy.

Yeah. I got that one, too.

And then he said that I
had a better-looking behind

than anyone in Tokyo.

Which is a pretty
big compliment,

since, according to Ted,

Tokyo is the good-looking
behind capital of the world.

Well, still, I haven't
heard anything

about a reconciliation.

Well, I told you, Julia.

I mean, it was just
a feeling between us.

I mean, why else would he want

to have dinner with
me again tonight?

You're going to
dinner again tonight?

Yeah.

What's this Tammy
person have to say

about all this?

Well, I don't know.

I'm sure she's got things to do.

Ted's enrolled her
in a cooking class.

Besides, he said he had
something really important

that he wanted to ask me.

Yes. Well, knowing him,

he's probably discovered
that she's infertile,

and he wants you to
have children for them.

Now, come on, Julia.

I know that Ted can be a jerk.

But I actually think that
maybe he has changed.

Mary Jo,

you're beginning to
sound like you're interested.

I cannot believe
this. What about J.D.?

I didn't say that
I was interested.

I said that I think
that it's interesting

that this whole thing
has just come full circle.

I mean, after all those years

putting him through
medical school

and then him just kind
of casting me aside

like I was some
kind of non-person.

I mean, for the first time,

he sees what he gave up,

and I'm sorry, but I'd be lying

if I said I didn't get some
kind of satisfaction out of that.

Oh, you mean like
Splendor in the Grass?

You know, when Natalie Wood
got out of that mental hospital

and she went to
see Warren Beatty,

and he had that
big fat homely wife

and all those kids that
lived on that dirt farm?

It's not that Natalie
wanted to hurt Warren.

But after the way
he treated her,

it probably did make
her feel kind of good

to see him in those
big, filthy old coveralls.

Go on with what you
were saying, Mary Jo.

Well, I can tell you
from experience.

All of my ex-husbands have
tried to reconcile with me.

It never works.

Oh, sure, they'll make promises

the first few weeks.

They'll say things like "Okay,

we'll never try and come
into your bathroom again"

or "We'll never make love to you

on the days you just
had your hair done"

or "We'll never ask
you to do anything

"other than lie the way
you normally sleep...

Flat on your back,
head on pillow."

But ha ha, that never lasts.

Go on with what you
were saying, Mary Jo.

Oh, that's it.

It's just I'd never
seen Ted so attentive.

Then last night we went
up to check on Quint,

and he was asleep,

and Ted and I were
just standing there

looking at our son together.

It was like, there we were

with our little boy in
his Garfield pajamas,

the moonlight on his face,

and Ted looked over
at me and smiled,

and just for a
moment it almost felt...

like we were a family again.

That's all it was, you know?

Just a moment.

I was afraid you weren't
going to come tonight.

- You were?
- Yeah. For some reason,

we've never been able to
maintain a feeling of goodwill

for longer than 24 hours.

Well, then we just
set a new record.

To the new record.

- Ted...
- Mary Jo...

Let's be real careful tonight

and not say anything that
we'll be sorry for, okay?

Excuse me. Are you Mrs. Shively?

- Yes, I am.
- You have a phone call.

- Oh.
- You can take it in the bar.

Thank you.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Hello.

Hi, honey. How you doing?

J.D.

How'd you find me?

Well, I returned
your call at the store,

and Charlene put me through.

- She did, did she?
- Mm-hmm.

Listen, sweetheart,

my plane gets in about 12:40,

but I don't want you coming
down to the airport that late,

so I'll just take a cab, okay?

No. I don't mind.

The kids are spending
the night with somebody.

Oh, no, no. Now, remember,
your front tires are low.

I'm going to have
them checked tomorrow,

so I'll just see you
when I get there.

Mary Jo.

Yeah?

I have really missed you.

Did anybody ever tell
you you have great timing?

- What?
- Nothing.

I said I like your ears.

Oh. Okay. Uh, listen,
honey, I got to run.

Uh, uh, I love you.

Yeah.

Me, too.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Was that him?
- Yep.

Checking up on you, huh?

At first I thought

that might be an
emergency about the kids,

and then I was thinking how
you'd know exactly what to do.

You always did.

That's the trouble
with these young girls.

They don't know anything.

I used to love how you
could mix a good martini

and give a great massage

and keep everything in order,

like color-coding
my shirts and socks.

Filed all the
receipts in my wallet.

Those are things a
man comes to appreciate

as he gets older.

Ted, before you go any further,

I just want to say something.

You keep telling me
that you've changed.

I've changed, too.

When I hear you talk about us,

all I hear is what
I can do for you.

That phone call just now,

that was from a man
who worries about me,

worries about things
like if my tires are all right

or what to get me
for my birthday.

When he's out of town,

I know that I can call his room

night or day,

and I won't have to
hear 14 laughing bimbos

in the background.

You know what?

I like that.

I think I deserve it.

And I just realized

that I wouldn't jeopardize that

for anything in the world.

But I sure do
appreciate the offer.

The offer?

Of you and me
getting back together.

You mean you thought

that I wanted, uh,
a reconciliation?

Isn't that what you've
been talking about?

No, I... I was just
glad to see you again.

I want us to be closer.

And all that stuff about Tammy?

Pre-wedding jitters.

Phooey.

- What?
- I said phooey.

It's a new word at our house.

So if you didn't
want to reconcile,

What was the big question
you wanted to ask me?

Big question?

Oh. Huh.

I just wanted to
know if it was okay

for Claudia and Quint
to be in the wedding.

Sure.

Of course.

You're their father.
They love you.

As a matter of fact,

on some level, we all love you.

Well, I should be going.

You have to?

Yeah.

I got to surprise
somebody at the airport.

Don't get up. And, Ted,

even though that
you couldn't admit

that you wanted me back,

I just wanted to leave you

with a little piece
of consolation.

You wouldn't have
been happy with me.

You see, I just don't think

that you could keep
up with what I require,

so I'm just going
to walk out the door,

and I wish you every
happiness with Tammy.

Meantime, there's no law

that says you
can't just sit back

and enjoy the view as I go.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA