Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 18 - Come on and Marry Me, Bill - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

You know what I'm
most excited about?

Well, of course, the wedding,

but next I think will be

the bachelorette
slumber party tonight.

I don't care how old I get.

I just think having
this one great big

all-girl blow-out
like the guys do

is just great.

Of course, I know you
hate them, don't you?

It isn't that I hate
them, Charlene.



It's just that I've
never enjoyed

dancing with other women,
sleeping with other women,

or having my underwear frozen.

I hope Monette's
going to do okay

taking care of the guest book.

I know a lot of people
wouldn't have asked her

because she's a
hooker and everything,

but I don't care. She's
been one of my best friends

for almost 15 years.

You know, and anyway,

I imagine that in
her line of work,

she'd be good at
greeting people.

Oh, Julia, did you tell Suzanne

what time rehearsal is tomorrow?



Don't worry about Suzanne.
I'll pick her up myself.

I hope she's not
still mad at me.

Charlene, I wish you would
stop worrying about that.

You had every right to tell her

she couldn't bring that
stupid pig to the reception.

I don't care if she was
going to dress it up.

A pig wearing a
hat is still a pig.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Some of Bill's Air
Force friends called.

Seems they want to
fly over the reception

and write your names in the sky.

Gosh, I don't know.
You think that's okay?

Oh, sure. Ted and I had that.

- You did?
- Well, yeah.

It was a bunch of
drunken med students,

and it was in the snow,
but it was the same principle.

[Suzanne] Mary Jo, I guess I'll
be picking you up for the wedding

since I don't have
anybody to take.

What did I tell you?
She's mad about that pig.

Oh, Charlene,
don't be ridiculous.

If you don't want Noel
to come to your reception,

that's your right.

I just think Mr. Garfinkle's

going to be a
little disappointed.

- Who's Mr. Garfinkle?
- My shoemaker.

I mean, he just about
knocked himself out

designing those
little pig pumps.

So when's the big bus
from Hee Haw getting here?

Suzanne, if you are
referring to my family,

they are coming in
a nine-car caravan

because the plane fare would
have cost over a million dollars.

I'm going to tell
them you said that.

Oh, lighten up.

I bet they would have
enjoyed meeting my pig.

[tapping on glass]

[Mary Jo] Ladies, may I
have your attention, please?

Tonight we honor
a very special friend.

Tonight, Charlene
Frazier, this is your life!

[cheering]

♪♪ [Gone With
the Wind Tara theme]

She was born
Charlene Olivia Frazier

in the Hospital of Little Hicks,

just outside Poplar Bluff.

Her first words were
"Run down to the gift shop

and get me a copy of
the National Enquirer."

[Charlene screeches]

Little Charlene's
favorite bedtime story

was not The Little
Boy Who Cried Wolf,

but rather The Little Boy
Who Was Raised By Wolves.

That was the beginning

of our heroine's
uncanny ability to be,

in the words of that well-known
sage Julia Sugarbaker,

completely and
endlessly fascinated

by absolutely nothing.

[screeching]

In addition,

Charlene was also showing signs

of great musical ability.

And to think that it all started

in a little tiny bedroom

with just a deodorant
bottle as a microphone

and pajama
bottoms for long hair.

Charlene, a voice from the past.

[Woman] Our Aunt Dotty worked

at the Ozark Beauty College,

and she used to practice hair
cutting on Charlene and me

so we never had long hair
and we always had a permanent.

Yes, Charlene!

All the way from
Poplar Bluff, Missouri,

- your sister Darlene!
- [cheering]

But having a weekly
haircut didn't stop Charlene

from dreaming about being a
long-haired, beautiful singer.

As her sister, I can tell you

she secretly
practiced lip-synching

for hours every night

all alone in her
tiny little bedroom.

And there was one
song she played

over and over and over.

♪♪ [downbeat, chorus]

[Connie Francis] ♪
Where the boys are ♪

♪ Someone waits for me ♪

♪ A smiling face,
a warm embrace ♪

♪ Two arms to hold me tenderly ♪

- [music stops]
- [cheering]

[Woman] Charlene,
remember we both worked

behind the lunch counter
at F.W. Woolworth's

until you got fired

for always giving
too big a portion?

That's right, Charlene!

All the way from
Poplar Bluff, Missouri,

the girl who sat beside
you in vacation Bible school

and decided to become
a hooker anyway,

Monette Marlin!

- [cheering]
- [Charlene] Yay, Monette!

[Mary Jo] Yeah! What
have you brought us?

Well, I have a copy
of our PBHS annual

with Charlene's picture.

As you can see, she was
also a Pep Club Mulette

and a member of the
Bluffer annual staff.

I have the letter here

that Pope John
XXIII sent to Charlene

declining to select
our Yearbook Queen.

[laughter]

I heard that she
later on got the guy

who played Floyd
on Mayberry RFD.

- [cheering]
- That's right.

Pretty darned impressive,

and I also want you to know...

It's right here
under her picture...

It says "Charlene, a girl

whose heart is as
big as her chest..."

Oh!

"Charlene is most dependable

and most likely
to date a convict."

That's a combination you
don't run across every day.

I mean, is this a
fabulous woman or what?

[cheering]

♪♪ [1960s pop]

[Laura Nyro] ♪ Bill ♪

♪ I love you so, I always will ♪

♪ I look at you ♪

♪ And see the
passion eyes of May ♪

[female singers] ♪ Eyes of May ♪

[Laura] ♪ Oh, but am I ever ♪

♪ Gonna see my wedding day? ♪

[female singers] ♪ Wedding day ♪

[Laura] ♪ Come on
and marry me, Bill ♪

♪ I got the wedding bell blues ♪

♪ Please marry me, Bill ♪

♪ I got the wedding bell blues ♪

[male singers] ♪ Blues ♪

[Laura] ♪ Wedding bell blues ♪

[cheering]

[Julia] This some
I'm going to do now

was taught to me
by our grandfather,

who sang it with his
World War I Army buddies,

but I don't think it's
a song just for men.

I think it's for anybody

who ever had a wonderful friend.

Charlene, darling,
this is for you.

♪ Our days will be long
when you go away ♪

♪ I'll think about you
all through the day ♪

♪ My buddy ♪

♪ My buddy ♪

♪ Your buddy misses you ♪

♪ Buddies through
all of the gay days ♪

♪ Buddies when
something went wrong ♪

♪ You helped us
through all the gray days ♪

♪ With your sweet
smile and your song ♪

♪ Charlene, my pal,
my buddy, my friend ♪

♪ Just need to know
our friendship won't end ♪

- ♪ My buddy ♪
- ♪ My buddy ♪

♪ My buddy ♪

♪ My buddy ♪

♪ Nobody ♪

♪ Quite like you ♪

I just want you to know

that that was the
nicest rehearsal

and the nicest rehearsal dinner

that I have ever been to.

Your family is
just so full of love.

Oh, well, thank you, Mary Jo.

You know, Charlene's
our firstborn,

and she's real special.

In fact, I'm not real sure

her daddy's going to
be able to give her away.

I don't want you to
keep my little brothers

at that bachelor
party too late tonight.

I don't want you to miss
the wedding tomorrow.

You're getting kind of bossy

for somebody who isn't
even getting married yet.

I just have two questions.

First of all, who gave
Bernice that champagne?

I mean, it's not like
she isn't nuts enough

without sitting over
there sipping the bubbly

with that goofy
look on her face.

Suzanne, you
drew the short straw.

You were supposed
to be looking after her.

And secondly, who's that
crazy man in the cowboy hat?

[Charlene] That's
my Uncle Howard.

[Mary Jo] Suzanne,
where have you been?

That is Charlene's
mother's brother.

He's an attorney
for Poplar Bluff.

Flies his own plane.

Oh, well, he's very
nice, but he pinched me.

Mr. Frazier, would you
like a glass of champagne?

Well, uh... None for me,

but you might be able
to interest this fella here.

He's not quite as
good a Baptist as I am.

Which reminds me,
you haven't given a toast

to my number 1 daughter tonight.

I think it's high time you did.

I'd be happy to.

Attention, everybody.

Charlene's Uncle Howard
would like to make a toast.

You know, being an
old country lawyer,

I usually get to deal with
the debris of marriage.

So it's a high
privilege for me tonight

to be in on the
beginning of a marriage

that looks so promising.

Bill, Charlene,

It's obvious to everybody here

the passion that y'all
hold for one another.

It's something you
can't fake, you can't hide,

you can't buy.

When you got it, you got it,

and you two surely have it.

My wish for you this evening is

that you carry that
passion with you

through all your remaining days,

always dancing that
great male-female dance

of love, sex, marriage,

and eternal friendship

as no one else has
ever danced it before you.

May you, in short, dance
the perfect Missouri Waltz.

- Hear, hear.
- Thank you, Uncle Howard.

How you doing, Aunt Phoebe?

That man in the cowboy
hat, he pinched me.

[Bernice] Okay, everybody,

I'd like to make a toast.

I just look at
Charlene and Bill,

and I can see my late
husband and myself at their age.

I'll never forget the first
time he proposed to me,

and I said, "Oh, get out
of here, you crazy nut."

"You don't even have any money."

"And furthermore,

"my folks just can't
stand the way you dress

"and the way you just sit
on our sofa and never talk.

"In fact,

"nobody in my
family can stand you,

not even the dog."

Well, thank you
so much, Bernice.

That was very appropriate.

Give me that.

Oh, wow, honey,
I'd better get going.

Moonwalker's apartment's
all the way across town.

I'll call you later just
to tell you good night.

Okay. Have fun. I love you.

And I love you more.

Where's he going?

His bachelor party at
his friend Moonwalker's.

That's his jet fighter
pilot nickname.

Bill's is Wild Man, you
know, because he's so sedate.

Yeah, right. I cannot believe

you are letting him traipse off

to some all-night
Animal House orgy

when you're getting
married in the morning.

Animal House?
It's not like that.

Most of these guys are
professional fighter pilots,

and they're having Bill over

for a little quiet
get-together. It's nothing.

- Bill, how you doing here?
- Hey, Reese.

I didn't think you
could make it.

I had a late meeting close by,

and I thought I'd drop in
and have a drink with you.

I can see you're
already tied up.

Gosh, she certainly has a
lot of energy, doesn't she?

Yes, she does.

This is Little Latin Lupe.

She's my wedding present

from the 104th Fighter Squadron.

Evidently, the monogrammed
towel sets didn't come in.

Well, I don't know, Bill,

but I think you're
playing with fire here.

This Little Latin Lupe
looks pretty formidable.

You know, Charlene
is going to kill me.

I've got her little
brothers here,

and she doesn't have
much of a sense of humor

about stuff like
this. Would Julia?

Oh, no way. Julia would
not find this funny at all.

In fact, I think I'm
going to be on my way.

Oh, no. Stay for one drink.

Well, maybe just one.

You know, she is
quite good, isn't she?

Oh, no. Not me.

No, no, no. Thank you very much.

Oh, I don't think this
is a very good idea.

Uh... Oh, no. Excuse me.

You do have a key, don't you?

[Speaking Spanish]

What's she saying?

She says she remembers
what happened to the key.

She changed purses this morning.

That's great. Ask her where
she lives. We'll go get it.

¿Dónde es su casa?

[speaking Spanish]

- a Shreveport...
- What's she saying?

I don't know. Something
about her boyfriend.

They're moving to Shreveport.

Well, yeah, we got that.

[speaking Spanish]

And the purse is
in the van with him.

Sí. Sí.

Yes.

Hey, Wild Man, I'm sorry.

I can't get anywhere with this.

These suckers are made
out of hardened steel.

I got a welder and
a locksmith coming,

but neither one is very happy.

Listen, what the hell
are these things anyway?

They're handcuffs.

I know that, but why three?

They call them menage à trois

because I knew a guy
in prison who had some.

You know, Anthony,

you're just kind of
a Renaissance man,

aren't you?

I try.

So you don't think
there's anything in that box

that would get this off, huh?

That was my best torch.

Anything hot enough
to cut through that steel

is going to burn them.

You know, in five hours,
I'm getting married.

[speaking Spanish]

Yeah, easy for you to say.

[knock on door]

Oh, look, it's
Julia and Charlene

come for a visit!

I can't believe it.

We've been calling
here for hours,

and the lines were tied up.

Bill, what are you
still doing here?

I can't believe you
kept Robert and Odell

out all night so late.

Mama and Daddy
called me worried sick,

and then I called Julia,
and she tried to call Reese,

and she couldn't get him.

Reese Watson, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.

Aren't you a little old
for this sort of thing?

Me?

Julia, are you kidding?

You're the one who told
me I had to come here.

I don't even know these people.

Who's that woman?

Well, I know her.
That's Little Latin Lupe.

Bill, can I see you in
the kitchen, please?

- Me?
- Yes.

I can't right now,
Charlene. I'm busy.

Doing what?

Playing charades. Uh...

What is the matter with you?

It is almost 5:00
in the morning,

and you are sitting
here playing games.

- Oh!
- [gasp]

Now don't get all nuts
about this, Charlene.

- I can explain everything.
- Oh, gosh, I can't believe it.

She was dancing, and
she got carried away...

[speaking Spanish]

[all talking at once]

What is she saying?

She's saying that Charlene
shouldn't be jealous

because she's got a boyfriend.

She says that you and
Charlene should be together!

Handcuffed to a naked wo...

[Reese chuckles]

Oh, my gosh, she cuffed me.

Well.

Looks like now all three of you

can walk down
the aisle together.

[Charlene] I just can't believe

why they cut off
my good raincoat.

Well, here I come. Don't look.

You know, I don't
mean to be mean,

but you'd think she could put
her big knockers somewhere else.

Every time I turn around,
they're right in my face.

I'm sorry. I don't mean
to hurt your feelings.

It's just that it's...
It's my wedding day,

and I want her out
of my bathroom.

Honey, don't cry.
It's going to be okay.

[knock on door]

[Mary Jo] Charlene, hi.

We're all ready except
for getting dressed,

so we just thought we'd stop by

and see if we can
help out with anything.

No, I guess not.
We're just waiting

for her boyfriend to
get here with the key.

He was on his way to Shreveport,

and the Highway Patrol
stopped them somewhere.

Oh, I'm sorry. This
is Little Latin Lupe.

Yeah, hi. I suppose that's
just her fighter pilot name,

eh, Wild Man?

Little Latin Lupe, these
are my bridesmaids

Mary Jo and Suzanne.

And, of course,
you all know Bill.

Well, seeing as you
only have one hand there,

I guess I'll do your hair.

No, Suzanne, I
don't want big hair.

You don't have to do my makeup

because Monette's
coming over later.

That'll round things out nicely.

You'll be stuck in here

with Charo and the Happy Hooker.

[Suzanne] I just hope Julia
can stall till we get there.

[orchestra tuning up]

[no audible dialogue]

Well, thanks. Bye.

It's your brother
Robert at the church.

I think Julia might be
running out of songs.

Why do you say that?

Well, apparently, she just sang

"This Little Light of Mine,
I'm Gonna Let It Shine,"

a marginal wedding song at best.

I just can't believe it.

All my life, I've dreamed
of my wedding day,

and here I am spending it

sitting half-naked
with big hair,

handcuffed to a belly
dancer in my own bathroom.

Charlene, I'm telling you,
your hair is not that big.

[speaking Spanish]

Charlene, Monette's
here to do your makeup.

Oh, hi, Monette. Come on in.

Hi, hon. How you making it?

Must have been
some kind of party.

Monette, it wasn't like that.

Little Latin Lupe had a
set of menage à trois cuffs,

and she took them
to Bill's party, and...

I know what they are, Charlene.

- I have a set in my purse.
- You do?

Sure. In my business,
you have to be prepared.

That's very
interesting, Monette.

Do you also have a key?

Sure. It's in here somewhere.

Do you think they
would fit these cuffs?

I don't see why
not. They're all alike.

Oh, Monette...
[all talking at once]

[cheering]

Thank you, Lord!

All right! You're
out, you're out!

Honey, don't fall
asleep on me now.

Go put your uniform on.

Don't worry. I'll get
Anthony. He'll take care of it.

I've never been so
happy to know a hooker.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

[speaking Spanish]

Hey, hey, what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

We're going to a wedding.

Anthony, you speak
Spanish, don't you?

I guess so. I've been
speaking it all night.

Tell Little Latin Lupe
that she's invited, too.

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Ave dominus ♪

♪ Dominus tecum ♪

♪ Benedicta tu in mulieribus ♪

♪ Et benedictus ♪

♪ Et benedictus
fructus ventris ♪

♪ Ventris tui ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪♪ [fanfare]

♪♪ ["The Air Force Song"]

[Julia] ♪ My buddy ♪

[Mary Jo, Suzanne] ♪ My buddy ♪

[Julia] ♪ My buddy ♪

[Mary Jo, Suzanne] ♪ My buddy ♪

[together] ♪ Ain't nobody ♪

♪ Quite like you ♪

♪ Where the boys are ♪

♪ Someone waits for me ♪

♪ A smiling face ♪

♪ A warm embrace ♪

♪ Two arms to hold me tenderly ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA