Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 16 - Ms. Meal Ticket - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Charlene] Okay, Mary
Jo, you want to hear yours?

[Mary Jo] What
the heck, go ahead.

"Gemini. Be careful
in financial matters.

"Choose your words carefully,

"or you may be misunderstood.

A friend offers advice."

Charlene, don't you
see how general that is?

It could apply to any
person any day of any week.

It has nothing to do with
the position of the stars.

Typical Scorpio.



It's just for fun, Julia.

I mean, it's like
reading a fortune cookie.

Nobody takes it seriously.

I understand that, Mary Jo.

I still think it's better
to stick to reality.

Ooh. "A friend offers advice."

Julia, I know I'm not going
to get specific information

on how to run my
life from a horoscope.

- Good.
- For that you have
to go to a psychic.

And when I was
there last Saturday,

Tova was talking about you.

Charlene, I'd prefer you not
talk about the details of my life

with someone who calls
herself Tova of Biloxi.

I didn't mention you. She did.



She said, "Is there anyone
in your life whose initial is T?"

And I said, "Well, I
couldn't think of anybody,"

and she said,
"Okay, how about J?"

And I said, "Well, there
is someone called Julia,

and she said, "That's it!"

Incredible. I thought this type
of person was your nutritionist.

She is. She's a
psychic nutritionist.

I mean, she told me to
balance work and leisure

to maximize happiness
and prosperity in the future,

and to eat more fiber.

What about Julia?

She said Julia's not
getting enough iron.

I'll make note of that.
Thank you, Charlene.

And she said you should beware
of a shoemaker on a red horse.

That specific enough for you?

That's bizarre. A
shoemaker on a red horse?

I'll just have to
give up my tickets

to the annual Thom
McAn Equestrian Day.

I can't believe it.

I just went to my health club
for a sauna and massage,

and right in the middle
of my steam bath

this Iron Curtain
version of Jane Fonda

marches in to tell me
my membership's expired.

Why don't you just write
them a check and renew it?

No, Mary Jo, you don't
have to pay those people.

If you just give them a
potential new member,

they'll give you
three months free,

so all you have to do

is take a little
tour of the facilities

and say I recommended you.

- No.
- Charlene, please.

Suzanne, I've already
done this for you twice,

and the second time
especially I did not enjoy

sitting around in a sauna in
a black wig and sunglasses.

- Julia...
- Suzanne, nobody wants to do this.

Anyway, it's more
than just a little tour.

At the end of it they
measure your hips in public.

Come on, Julia.
It's just an hour.

Suzanne, the chances
of my doing that

are about as likely
as my signing up

for the sanitation
crew at the dog pound.

Okay, I'll put you down
as a maybe. Mary Jo?

Don't look at me. I've got
too much to do this week.

J.D.'s moving
his stuff in tonight.

J.D.'s moving in with you?

How come I never heard
anything about that?

Suzanne, where have you been?

I've been talking
about it all week.

Oh, I must've been busy
thinking about myself.

Suzanne, J.D. is
selling his house,

and he's buying a
condo closer to town.

It's not going to be
ready for a week or so,

so he's staying in
Mary Jo's spare room.

Oh, so you two are shacking up.

We are not shacking up.

It's all perfectly proper.

I mean, he works, and I work,

and we're both so tired
at the end of the day...

I mean, our idea of a big
night is to meet at the cafe

at the Kroger's while I
do my late-night shopping.

Speaking of grocery stores,

I was thinking to
myself the other day

how much better it would be

if they devoted some
of that extra floor space

to adding a few
more checkout stands.

I am always either in line

behind 400 people with one item

or one long woman
with 10,000 coupons

and a dump truck full of food.

- Charlene.
- What?

We were not speaking
of grocery stores.

I know, I know. I'm
building up to something.

Anyway, I forgot
to tell you all this.

Thanksgiving
morning I was in there,

and it was really crowded with
all these newlywed-type girls

who had 15-pound
frozen turkeys in their carts,

and I just wanted to say

"Honey, you might as
well pick up some baloney.

That turkey's not going
to be ready till New Year."

- Charlene.
- What?

Be a little faster.

Okay, okay, okay.

The lines are all jammed up,

and the cashier trainees
are getting all flustered,

and finally this real
well-dressed woman

got caught sneaking out the door

with a box of Parker House
brown 'n' serve rolls under her coat,

and when the guards
were dragging her out,

she yelled back to the crowd

"It'll be faster just to go
ahead and do the time!"

Incredible story.

Now, Mary Jo, go on
with what you were saying.

Oh, it wasn't important.

I was just thinking
about how nice it'll be

to have J.D. around for a while.

Well, I for one would
like to know more

about this moving in business,

and I can't believe

you'd make a major
decision like this

without consulting me first.

Why would I consult you?

Are you serious?

I happen to be an
expert on things like this,

and I'm here to tell you this
is definitely not a good idea.

I mean, you have no
formal contract with this man.

You have no protection.

Protection from what?

Anything. I mean,
you're not married,

so you can't make
any claim against him

for any of those
services you provided.

Suzanne, I know this may be
difficult for you to understand,

but this is just about somebody

who needs a place
to stay for a week.

It doesn't require the
services of Marvin Mitchelson.

Anyway, Mary Jo, unlike you,

she doesn't feel the need
to file a palimony suite

every time somebody
brushes up against her.

Julia, I have never in my
life filed a palimony suite,

and you're just getting
weirder every day.

You know, if you're not careful,

you're going to end
up just like Aunt Calley,

making a Clorox
bottle into a hat

and wearing it into town,

and I'm not going to
be held responsible.

I just wash my hands
of the whole thing.

All I want to know is

who is going to take the
health club tour for me?

Anthony.

Uh-oh. I know that look.

That's the look you gave me

when you wanted me
to hose down your pig.

It has nothing
to do with my pig.

But it does involve
getting your hips measured.

Excuse me, but this
does not sound like

anything that I would
be interested in,

but thank you very
much for asking.

Are you just going to say
no without hearing me out?

- I'm saying I'm out of here.
- Well, now, just listen to me.

No. I can't hear
what you're saying.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I'm not the... I can't...

Those two really are America's
sweethearts, aren't they?

Hi. Is the owner of the
gray Lincoln Town Car here?

Yes, that's my car.

My name is Joe Schumacher.

Schumacher. Shoemaker!

Charlene, please.
Yes, sir, what is it?

I'm afraid I just sideswiped
it with my Mustang.

- Mustang! Shoemaker on a red horse.
- Charlene.

Quick, quick, quick, what
color is your Mustang?

It's, uh, yellow.

Close enough!

[Mary Jo] What all is in here?

Oh, my kids used
to keep turtles in that.

- Oh.
- [chuckles]

Oh, you know, there's really
not going to be enough room

for all my boxes and
things in the spare room,

so I thought I might leave
most of them out here.

Oh, fine.

What all did you
do at work today?

Well, let's see, I had
lunch with Lamar Byers,

the vice president of the club,

and I talked to a guy

about putting last year's
scouting reports on a computer,

and, uh, I got fired.

You got fired? What happened?

Well, hey, that's baseball.

It happens all the time.
Look at Billy Martin.

What does this have
to do with Billy Martin?

Well, it's just an
example of someone

who's been hired and
fired and hired and fired

and hired and fired
and hired and fired.

Oh, did his girlfriend
ever find out why?

I just got fired. That's all.

They're cutting back.

Why you?

Well, you know, I was responsible
for recruiting Hector Enriquez.

Yeah.

Well, I probably should have
checked him out a little more thoroughly.

He's got this little
problem with his temper,

and he did hit a batter right
in the head with a fast ball.

That happens.

Well, yes, but the guy was
sitting in the dugout at the time.

I mean, it's just been
one incident after another.

It's a public
relations nightmare.

Somebody had to take
the fall. I got elected.

Well, gee, you're
certainly taking it well.

Hey, I'm an easygoing guy.

I'll find another job.

It's incredible how casual
you are about the whole thing.

Well, Mary Jo, what do you
want me to do, hang myself?

I mean, I'm not happy about it,

but something else
will come along.

Well, if you say so.

I just hope this doesn't
mess up my escrow.

What do you mean?

When the bank finds
out that I'm out of a job,

the loan on my condo
might not go through.

Thank goodness I
can always stay here.

Thank goodness.

Suzanne, I already
signed a contract.

Well, I'm sorry. You're just
going to have to unsign it.

It's too late. You should have
let me know your feelings earlier.

What are you talking about?

As you know, Suzanne
more or less forced me

to go take a tour
of her health club

so she could get
three free months.

[Charlene] Yeah, so.

So he went ahead and signed up.

- What's wrong with that?
- What's wrong with it?

I'm surprised you're even
asking me that question, Julia.

My health club is like my own
little private sanctuary, you know,

where I can go and
not have to worry about

is there anybody
else here that I know

or how do I look or anything,

and I'm sure I'm going to enjoy

having Anthony standing around
watching me do that Exercycle thing

with weights
strapped to my thighs.

Suzanne, I am sorry, but I
need supervision when I workout.

Got this high blood
pressure in my family,

and besides, I'm tired of
using that heart rate machine

down at the Pizza Hut.

Anthony, isn't Suzanne's
club awfully expensive?

No, they've got this
special introductory offer.

It seems they just recently
opened their doors to men

per a Federal injunction,

so now they've
got to fill a quota.

I just cannot believe
this is happening to me.

I mean, I'm a good
person. I give to United Way.

Well, if you'll all excuse me,

I have a little lunch hour
jazz aerobicizing to do.

And 1 and 2 and 3 and 4

and tighten up those buns,

and 1 and 2 and 3 and 4.

Mary Jo, you're
awful quiet today.

I'm just thinking.

What are you thinking about?

How to convert my
garage into a guest house.

You and J.D.
having fights already?

No, we did not have a fight.

I was just kind of thinking

about this
hypothetical question.

What is it?

I was just sort of thinking

about, you know, if you
really do care about a man,

does it really matter if
he's a little dependent?

You mean, does it matter if
he doesn't have any money?

[Julia] That's an easy one.

I don't think it matters at all

as long as you love him.

How poor are we talking here?

Julia,

my daddy was as
poor as a church mouse

when my mama married
him, and I'm awful glad she did.

Of course it doesn't matter.

That's easy for you to say.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, your boyfriend
happens to come

- from a very wealthy
old Virginian family.
- So?

So you saying it doesn't
matter if he has money

is like Billy Joel singing

"I love you just the way
you are" to Christie Brinkley.

Big deal.

I'm not talking about money.

I'm talking about dependence.

Why don't you just
tell us what happened?

Well... J.D. lost his
job ten days ago.

Ten days ago? Why
didn't you say something?

I don't know. It's
a little personal.

Poor J.D. He must
be feeling just awful.

Well, no, actually he's great.

He's learning to cook,
keeps the house straight,

spends time with the kids.

He's even forming a bridge club.

Oh, my gosh, I almost forgot.

You had a message. He's
bringing you a special hot lunch.

I thought that was
kind of strange.

Mary Jo, it sounds like
you've got a pretty good deal.

Well, yeah, I know.

It's just that...

he's doing what I want to do.

All of a sudden I find myself
in the roll of breadwinner,

and he's home gardening

and reading books
to the children.

Maybe I'm a little jealous.

You know, Mary Jo,

it's awfully hard to find
someone to love in this world,

and if you're going to require

that he also make more
money than you do...

I didn't say that I require it,

and... Gloria
Steinem, forgive me...

I just think that the man
should make money.

Amen and hallelujah to that.

Listen, don't you go listen
to those two, Mary Jo.

Julia went through
her rebellious stage

when she was dating artists
and musicians and foreigners,

but when it came
down to settle down,

who did she pick?

Hayden, a man with
high earning potential,

and, you may have noticed,

Charlene has dated
every stray dog

in the Western world,

but when she
chose to get serious,

who did she pick?

The Air Force colonel
with the rich daddy,

and of course my
leadership in this area

goes without saying.

I guess what I'm
worried about is, I mean,

what if J.D. doesn't
find another job

and he ends up just kind of
staying with me indefinitely.

I just don't think
I can handle that.

Mary Jo, hold on. You just
made a great big jump there.

J.D.'s been out of work
for a week and a half,

and now you've got him
snoozing on the couch

for 20 years in a
housecoat and curlers

and asking you
to loan him money.

I mean, he hasn't done
anything like that, has he?

No, he hasn't.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being
completely irrational about this.

I don't know. I don't know why
I have such a problem with this.

Oh, I do.

Women are always
getting a bad rap

for wanting men to make money,

but there is an absolute

bona fide scientific
reason for it.

Haven't you all heard of Darwin?

You mean Darwin Sanders,

who used to take
care of our yard?

No, silly, Charles
Darwin. Don't you read?

Yes, Suzanne.

Yes, I do, but you don't,

so I thought... well, go on.

Well, there was this program
on the TV the other night,

and my nails were wet, so I
couldn't change the channel...

I knew there was
some explanation.

So anyway,

this Darwin person
has it all figured out.

He says the female animal

will always want to
be with the male animal

who has the most
money or what have you

because he'll be the
best provider for her cubs.

I don't know. I just feel terrible
for even thinking about this,

but, you know, it
really bothers me

that J.D. seems perfectly
content just to stay at home,

even if he is doing
his share of the work.

It's hurting our relationship.

What are you going to do?

If it wouldn't hurt his
feelings too much,

maybe he could move out.

We did promise to
be honest about this,

and this is the
way I feel about it.

Don't worry. I'll
put it to him gently.

- Hi, everybody.
- [Women] Hi, J.D.

Hi, honey. Listen, I
whipped up this casserole.

I'm sorry I'm late. I guess I fell
asleep on the couch for a second.

Oh, by the way, I
didn't get to the bank,

and I need to pick up
some stuff for dinner.

Can I borrow a 20?

You've just got to move out.

Anyway, I mean,
this will be better.

You'll be happier in a hotel.

You won't have to worry about
cooking and cleaning and everything.

Mary Jo, just help me pack.

All right.

Don't forget your turtle bowl.

Oh, keep it for
Quint's lunch money.

Nah, that's yours.

Mary Jo, I am not so destitute

that I need to keep a
terrarium full of turtle nickels.

I have savings, you know.

I can afford to pay
a hotel bill just fine.

I know. Look, this
is not so major.

We'll just go back to the same
situation that we had before

where we're happy together
and we love each other.

We just live apart. Right?

Right.

Right.

So why do I feel like
we're breaking up?

Because you're throwing
me out of your house.

That is not fair!

Mary Jo, people live together

so they can find out
more about each other.

I guess I never expected
to learn so much so fast.

I never knew you thought of
me as a big paycheck with pants.

J.D., I tried to
explain to you...

I know, I know,
and I understand,

but the bottom line is

you think that because I've tried
to make the best of a bad situation,

that I'd be content
for the rest of my life

just to stay home and
grow an herb garden.

What if the situation
was reversed?

What if I didn't have a job

and you had to take care
of me and Claudia and Quint

and pay alimony
and child support?

How do you think that
would make you feel?

Don't you think that would
make you just a little bit nervous?

I don't know. I
guess I'd deal with it.

Well, that's all
I'm trying to do.

God forbid I should have
anything to say about it.

What, you make the money,
so you make the rules.

Is that how it works?

That is such a
crummy thing to say.

I don't think I even want
to talk to you right now.

Hey, that's fine with me

because I don't
live here anymore,

so we're just going to go back
to the way we were before, right?

- Right.
- We were happy together.

We loved each other, but
we just lived apart, right?

- Right.
- Okay, see ya.

Don't forget to water
my herb garden.

Yeah, right. See
you at the Kroger.

Charlene, is there
some special reason

you're camped out
at the front door?

I didn't want to
say anything before,

but Tova's coming over.

Charlene.

I just thought if she came
over and gave you a reading,

then you'd see how good she is.

Charlene, come here. Come
here and sit down with me.

I'm going to try to explain
to you for the last time

how these psychics
and mind readers work.

Sit down.

Now, they take your hands,

they look into your eyes,

and they study your
reactions very carefully.

They go... [foreign
accent] Miss Frazier,

you have children?

Now, see, you've
narrowed your eyes a bit,

so I change my tune.

I say, no, you have no children,

but you want children.

You want children very badly.

Julia, you're good.

I didn't know you were psychic.

Charlene.

I'm just trying to show you

how a great many
of these mind readers

are reading your behavior.

There's nothing
supernatural about it.

They're just telling you
what you want to hear.

Well, what's so bad about that?

Maybe Tova just does listen

and let me figure
things out for myself,

but psychiatrists do
the exact same thing.

Psychics tell you things are happening
because of the month you were born.

Psychiatrists tell you it's because
you wet your bed when you were 3.

That's the only difference.

Well, that's not
the only difference.

Hi, Charlene.

Hi, Tova.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I got lost.

She got lost?

Yes, but I knew I was going to.

Tova, this is Mary Jo Shively,

and this is Julia Sugarbaker.

She's the person whose
reading you're going to do.

I'm sorry. There's been
a misunderstanding.

I wouldn't care to
have a psychic reading.

Thank you.

Julia, come on. I'll treat.

Oh, it's all right, Charlene.

It's not for everybody,

and Julia might
have been disturbed

by that incident with
Mr. Schumacher and his Mustang.

[gasps] Oh, that's right.
I told you about that.

Didn't make a lot of
sense to me either,

but I thought I'd pass it along.

Well, as long as you came
all the way out here, Tova,

why don't you do Mary Jo?

If she'd like.

Yeah, what the heck?

My future couldn't be any more
depressing than the present.

Well, let's sit down.

You're looking for
a man in your life.

No, you have a man in your life,

a very nice man,

but you're having
some trouble right now.

You had an argument,
an argument about sex.

No, money.

You both said some
very hurtful things

that you didn't really mean.

That's exactly right.

You've had this problem
before, haven't you?

Yes, my ex-husband
Ted was a doctor.

We fought about
money all the time.

But this problem is different.

Yes, it is.

J.D. is not Ted.

I've got to get that
through my head.

Mary Jo, listen to me.

This is not such a terrible
problem you're having.

Go to J.D. and talk to him.

It's not the money
that's the problem.

It's your feelings
about the money, okay?

Thank you.

Uh, I've got to
go out for a while.

I'll cover for you.

Thanks, Tova. I'll
write you a check.

No, Charlene, wait. I'm
going to pick up this one,

but I guess you
already knew that.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I thought you'd be here.

Yeah, every Friday night.

You didn't return my messages.

I left a note for
you at the hotel.

Yeah, I know. I
was going to call,

but do you think we made
too big a thing out of all this?

Maybe. It's taking me
a while to figure it out.

J.D.

You know... with Ted,

I got nothing but money.

It was the only thing

that I could really
rely on about him...

So what are you saying?

I'm saying that I want
you to move back in with us

and stay just as
long as you need to.

Mary Jo, my loan came through.

I'm in my new condo now.

- Great.
- It was nice of you to offer.

- It's so nice to be talking.
- Yeah.

What a relief.

- Those French fries?
- Yeah.

We haven't been
eating so good at home.

Oh, yeah? I could give
you a couple recipes.

Oh, thanks. I'd like that.

Why don't you come over to
the new place tomorrow night?

I could use some
decorating tips.

Good. Call me.

I will.

You know, I have this feeling

that our relationship is moving

into a whole different stage.

I have no idea what that is.

Me, too, but you
know what, Mary Jo?

Whatever stage that is

and whatever happens to us,

we'll always have Kroger's.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Closed-Captioned By J. R.
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