Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 15 - Full Moon - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Mary Jo] Is that
one of the things

Julia's going to wear
in the fashion show?

No, it's just for tomorrow.

She doesn't want to forget it.

What's tomorrow?

Oh, nothing. Remember she's
spending the night at my house?

Why?

Mary Jo, where have you been?

They're painting her
bedroom this afternoon.

She can't stand
the smell of fumes.



Oh, yeah, yeah. I just
forgot that was today.

I still can't believe they
talked her into modeling.

You know, if it wasn't to
benefit that children's home,

I bet she'd never do it.

I just can't wait to see
her walk down that ramp

in front of the mayor
and everybody. Can you?

Yeah.

Mary Jo, you haven't
heard a word I've said.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no, it's... it's nothing.

I'm just a little worried
about Claudia. That's all.

What's the matter?

Oh, it's silly, really.

I'm just afraid that she's going
to have sex and get pregnant



and not graduate
from high school

and have a wretched,
miserable life.

Gee, that sounds serious.

Yeah, I know. I wouldn't
even have mentioned it,

but I've just got to talk to
somebody about it, you know.

I told her when she was 16 she
could car date and everything,

so now she has this
real cute boyfriend.

I mean, he is really cute.

It just worries me a little bit
the way they look at each other.

- How do they look?
- Like they want to have sex.

You know, it's kind of like...

Mary Jo, it's probably
just puppy love.

Anyway, have you
talked to her about it?

Oh, I've been talking
to her since she was 10.

I mean, she knows
all about birth control

and the consequences
of irresponsible behavior.

I mean, I have done
everything right.

I have bought all
the right books.

No one is better prepared to
make a responsible decision

about having sex
than my daughter.

Then what are you worried about?

I'm worried she's
going to do it.

I mean, the truth is I just
plain don't want her to,

but I have taught her that
ultimately that's up to her.

And that's right.

Yes, I know.

I'd just feel a lot
more comfortable

if she was just locked
up till she graduates.

Mary Jo, you have
raised her well.

You have taught her well.

You've done
everything you can do.

Unless, of course,
you want to send her

a subliminal,
telepathic message.

I beg your pardon.

Well, it's this new
thing I read about

in one of those
tabloids the other day.

See, if you're trying to get
somebody to do something

or not doing something
when you're around them,

you just very softly mumble
a message under your breath.

You do it in a monotone and
you do every chance you get.

Like, for instance, to
an overweight person,

you might go. "Don't eat
cookies. Don't eat cookies."

But you don't it loud enough

so they actually
understand it, you know?

Well, now they have found out...

Wait just a minute. Who's they?

Well, you know, a
team of expert scientists.

Anyway, now they've
actually proven

that sometimes the message
does get through subliminally

and can control the
other person's behavior.

Oh, Charlene,
that is ridiculous.

I mean, if you can actually
control behavior like that,

why, people would
be going around

mumbling stuff
like that all the time,

like "Take off your clothes,"

"Give me your money,"
"Divorce your wife."

Hi, Mom. Hi, Charlene.

Hi, Claudia. We
playing hooky today?

No, there's a teachers'
meeting today,

so Ben and I are
going to the mall.

Oh, Charlene, this is Ben.

Yeah, I kind of thought so.

Hi.

So you all are going shopping?

Yeah, if I could
borrow your credit card,

I was gonna buy that
sweater, if it's all right.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that'll be fine.

I'll just get it. Just
don't have sex.

What?

Oh. Oh, nothing.

So what are y'all
gonna do afterwards?

Well, this afternoon, we're
gonna study at the library,

and then tonight Ben
and I are going to a movie.

And I'm spending the night with
Mindy. You said it was all right.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right.

I'm sorry.

I... I just forgot
it was Friday.

So you two are doubling?

No, they're going to the party,
and we're going to a movie.

Oh, well, you know you
have to been in by 11?

- I will.
- Okay, don't have sex.

What?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Now, just call me
when you get in

so I'll know you
got home safely.

- Okay.
- All right,
I promise.

- Bye, Charlene.
- Bye, Claudia. Bye, Ben.

- Nice to meet you.
- Bye, Mom.

Bye-bye. You kids have fun now.

We will.

Don't have sex.

Do you mean to tell me
Suzanne isn't here yet.

I've got to be at the
Hyatt Regency by noon.

Well, maybe we
should just go on,

and Anthony can tell
Suzanne to meet us there.

Suzanne, do you
know what time it is?

Yes I do, Julia. And
I do not need to be

bawled out by
you for being late.

Had to take Noel to the vet.
She's been running a temperature.

Here, baby.

Then I was up half a night

because I got another one
of those phone calls again.

Oh, you mean that person

who says "I want to
barbeque your pig"?

That's right.

And they said the same
thing again last night.

And then, on top
of everything else,

there's been three robberies

in my neighborhood
this past month.

And Consuela left this
morning to go on vacation,

so now I'm all alone in
the house expect for Noel.

Which is why today
after the fashion show,

I'm gonna stop and buy me a gun.

Suzanne, do you
think that's a good idea?

I mean, you don't
anything about guns.

Oh, but I've seen
them on television.

All you got to do is point
it and pull the trigger.

I mean, how hard can it be?

[both] Don't buy a gun.

What?

Nothing.

Well, Suzanne, why
don't you come over

and spend the night with me
and Julia? I got plenty of room.

Oh, no, I couldn't leave Noel.

They think she has a flu.

Isn't it something
like the swine flu.

That is not a joke.
She has 101 fever.

Suzanne, we've got to go now,

and we're not taking
that pig with us.

I know that, Julia. I was gonna
ask Anthony to take her home for me.

You know later on
we're gonna sit down

and have a little
chat about this.

I mean, at first is was
kind of cute and eccentric,

but now you've just
gone way over the line.

Everybody's talking about you.
Even Mother wrote from Japan

asking who is this pig
you're carrying on with.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying maybe it's time

this little piggy
went to market.

[gasps]

Hey.

So how the fashion go?

Anthony, I don't think

Julia wants to talk about it.

Well, why? What happened?

Oh, nothing. It was...
It was wonderful.

Julia looked fabulous,

- really.
- [groaning]

You were one of the
best-looking women up there.

That's right.

You couldn't help what happened.

Well, what happened?

Anthony, didn't you hear?

Julia doesn't want
to talk about it.

Oh, I don't care
if Anthony knows.

He may as well,
everybody else is going to.

Oh, well, in that case.

Julia made a huge
fool out of herself.

How?

Well, you know, Anthony,

how Charlene is always
saying that she's not a person

going down the
big freeway of life

with the back of her dress
tucked in her pantyhose?

Uh-huh.

Well, now Julia has gone
down the freeway of life

with the back of her dress
tucked in her pantyhose.

You mean down the ramp
while she was modeling?

- You got it.
- Whoa.

And let me tell
you, it was stunning.

I mean, I was sitting not three
seats away from the mayor

when all of a sudden I look up,

and here comes
Julia down the ramp.

And then she turns away from us

and there's her backside
completely uncovered.

I mean, people were gasping.

People were falling
out of their chairs.

And all the time Julia just
kept turning and smiling.

Mooned everybody
within a 600-mile radius.

Suzanne, you know
how I feel about that word.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's
what they call it.

Even the waiters were
asking for her autograph.

I will never leave
this house again.

But, Julia, you have
to. I just went out

and bought all this
snack food for tonight.

Yeah, and Ted is gonna have
Quint, and I'm gonna come.

We're gonna have a great time,
and we're gonna forget all this.

But I don't understand is
why didn't somebody tell me?

What I don't understand is
where was your underwear.

Suzanne, I told you.

They asked me to only wear
hose because the dress was silk

and otherwise you
can see a panty line.

I cannot believe
that all my life

I've tried to create some
semblance of grace and style.

Now, I'm going to
remembered as that woman...

Who mooned Atlanta.

Suzanne!

Stop saying that.

Now, Julia, you may
not believe this now,

but one of these days
you will laugh at this.

I mean, stuff like this
happens to everybody.

I'll never forget one time I was
at the lake with my brothers.

This guy I had a great big
crush on named Charles Crouch

was there on another boat with
his date, Carolyn Witherspoon.

She was always
real snotty to me.

Anyway, I had on my
first two piece swimsuit.

And I decided to
try to ski barefoot

because all my
brothers could do it.

The trick of it is you got to
get the boat going real fast.

Well, we were up to
about 50 miles per hour,

I kicked off my skies and fell.

Next thing I know, I'm sailing
across the top of the water

with Charles and
Carolyn looking on.

I mean, I was skipping
like a quarter, you know?

And when I finally came to rest,

the top of my swimsuit was
wrapped around my neck.

Yes, but you were only
seen by a few people

and Julia was seen by 1,200.

[Mary Jo] Well, let me tell you
something that happened to me.

And I have never
told this to anyone.

But, you know, when Ted
and I went on our honeymoon,

we got one of those
bedrooms on the Amtrak,

and the bed is right next
to this huge picture window.

Well, you know being
our honeymoon and all,

you can imagine what we had on.

Matching PJs?

No, Charlene.

Anyway, we fell asleep
above the covers, you know?

Me being the one who was, like,

pressed up against the window.

And because it
was pitch black out,

we didn't realize
that the shade was up

until the train came
to a stop at dawn

right in the middle
of an intersection

in downtown
Tucumcar, New Mexico.

Where we were
awakened by the sound

of people honking their horns
and hanging out the car window

hooting and
hauling at things like,

"Hey, baby, looking
good, all right!"

I swear, my face still gets hot

when I just think about it.

Suzanne, don't you have

a most humiliating
moment to tell?

Yes, I do.

My most humiliating moment

was when Julia
mooned 1,200 people.

Thank you, Suzanne.

You know, I appreciate what
y'all are trying to do for me,

but nothing will make
me feel any better now.

Well, I guess I better
get over to the gun store.

You know, in case I
get robbed tonight?

By the way, if any of
y'all try and call me,

I'm not answering my phone.

- Because of those pig threats?
- Yes.

Just wish I hadn't let
Consuela go on vacation.

Well, why don't you come on
over to Charlene's and stay with us?

I don't you, I can't
leave Noel alone.

Anthony?

What?

Well, you know I was wondering
maybe you can come over

stay at my house tonight. You
know, kind of help protect everything.

Oh, Suzanne, you don't
need any protection.

All you have to do is put that
sick pig out on your front yard.

Nobody's going to
bother you or her.

Besides, I got dress
rehearsal for my play tonight.

What play?

At the junior college.

It's about Alcatraz
in the 1920s.

Anthony is one of the stars.

Good casting.

Well, can't you
come by afterwards?

Well, all right, but I can't
get there before 11 or 12.

Thank you. It's fine.

[Charlene] Well, I feel
so bad about today.

I mean, you know
that if I could,

I would take that walk
down that ramp for you

with the back of my dress tucked
in my pantyhose and everything.

- Thank you, Charlene.
- You're welcome.

I would kind of like to have
some underwear on, though.

Hey, I know what let's do.

Why don't I put on
To Kill A Mockingbird,

which is my favorite
movie in the whole world.

And then, while it's on,

I can give both of you
facials. I got some new stuff.

Oh, I know. It's after 11:00,

I bet Anthony is
over at Suzanne's.

Why don't we get in
the car and go over there

and toilet paper her front
yard. Wouldn't that be fun?

You know, just
like in high school.

Charlene, since I got here,

we've played games,
listen to records,

looked through all
your old scrapbooks.

You've painted my
toenails hot pink,

fed me everything
in your refrigerator.

Now, for me, that's
a pretty full evening,

so I was thinking
I just go to bed.

Go to bed? Julia, why
would you want to do that?

I was just thinking
how much fun this is.

I don't know why we don't spend
the night together more often.

It was like when I was
little. I can never understand

why my mother didn't spend
the night with her friends.

You understand that?

Let me ask you
something, Charlene.

How cute do you
think this Ben kid is?

I don't know.

I guess he looks a
little like Michael J. Fox.

If you were, 16 would you
want to have sex with him?

Well, Mary Jo, I
can't answer that.

But even I wanted
to, I wouldn't have

because I didn't do that.

Nobody I knew in
Poplar Bluff did that,

except, of course, I found out
later about my friend Monette.

The person named Ruth Wheeler,

who looked like she was
36, even in first grade.

I cannot believe
that it's 45 minutes

past the time she
was supposed to be in,

and she has not called.

I mean, she knows that I
know where everybody parks.

And if I wanted to I
can just get in that car

and go and check on her. Of
course I don't want to check on her

because I want to trust her.

But how can I when
she's 45 minutes late

out with a kid that looks
like Michael J. Fox?

And I hate to mention it, Julia,

but in fact there is
a full moon tonight.

I hate to wake up
Mindy's parents,

but I can not go to sleep
until I know she's in safely.

Hello, Mindy?

I'm so sorry to call so
late. This is Mrs. Shively.

Is Claudia in?

Oh, she's not.

Well, uh, when she does come in,

would you have her call me at
Charlene's? You got the number?

Thank you.

She isn't in. The movie's over.

She hasn't called.
She's having sex.

[phone rings]

Don't you worry about it, Noel.

We're just not gonna answer it.

Maybe if it's that same person,

he'll just think we're not home.

[ring]

I just don't understand
where Anthony could be.

I don't know why he had to be
in that silly play tonight anyway.

[doorbell rings]

Don't you worry, Noel.

Mama's here. I'm gonna
take care of everything.

I got it under control.

Who is it?

It's me... Anthony.

Well, it's about
time. You're late.

Suzanne, I'm not late.

I told you I'd be here
between 11 and 12.

I didn't even take
time to change.

If you don't mind me asking?

What are you doing with
AR-15 semi-automatic rifle?

I am protecting my
home and my pig.

And it's the biggest and best
gun they have in the store.

Suzanne, I cannot
believe that you have this.

You mean they sold
you this over the counter?

That's right and
why shouldn't they?

I am a respectable
law-abiding citizen.

Speaking of which, I
certainly hope no one

saw you coming
here in that outfit.

Now, Suzanne, if I
was walking around

in a long pink negligee
with a semi-automatic rifle

and pig in my parlor,

I don't think I worry that
much about this outfit.

But maybe that's just me.

I'm sorry, Anthony. It's
just my nerves are just shot.

I mean that phone has
been ringing all night.

And I keep hearing these
strange noises outside.

Oh, don't worry. It's
all right, I'm here now.

Then, on top of everything else,

Noel seems having a little
problem with, you know, gas.

Uh-huh.

Well, you know maybe
if you wouldn't mind

you could just kind of take
her outside to the garage.

Just for the a few
minutes you know?

Boy, there sure a lot of
people parked out here.

Never seen so many
steamed up windows.

Just keep your eyes
peeled for a light blue Toyota.

I'm so ashamed to be doing this.

On the other hand,

if I find her, I'm
gonna kill her.

I'm not ashamed. We're
just watching out for our girl.

And my daddy used to
use this light for frog gigging.

Wait a minute.

I think... I think that's them.

Charlene, Charlene,
shine your light over there.

You sure that's them?

Certainly, looks like them.

Those people are old.

I can't even
believe they're out.

Oh, yeah, that's not them.

[police siren sounds]

[Policeman] Okay,
out of the car.

Hands above your
head, and spread them.

Anthony?

Anthony, where are you?

God.

Officer, I can get bail money

if you would just take
us by my sister's house.

She lives real near here.

You can call her
from the station.

Oh, she won't answer the phone.

You see, she thinks
somebody is after her pig.

Well, we don't
usually let people stop

and get money for bail.

But since you ladies have
extenuating circumstances,

we're going to
make an exception.

Oh, I just remembered something.

- What?
- It's after 12.

Consuela is not there.

Suzanne can't hear
that doorbell upstairs.

We'll think of something.

Throw a rock at the
window. Come on.

[glass breaking]

[machine gun fires]

[man] Violation
of penal code 463,

operating a vehicle
without a license.

Violation of penal code 228,

trespassing, misusing,
or abusing public property.

Excuse me, I don't
quite understand that one.

Well, you were shining a big spot
light on people in a public park, right?

Yes.

That's against the law.

Violation of penal code 602-32,

illegal possession of an
unlicensed farm animal.

Violation of penal code 1029.29,

misusing and/or abusing
possession of a firearm

by endangering lives of others.

Suzanne, I still can not
believe you were dumb enough

to hang out the second
story of your house

and fire a semi-automatic
rifle into the dark Georgia night.

We could all have been killed.

Well, that's what you get

for taking a rock and
breaking out my window.

[Mary Jo] I understand
that. I hardly threw it.

The other thing I cannot believe

is that any lame-brained idiot

would sell you
something like that.

He's the one who
ought to be down here.

I agree with you,
but unfortunately,

you can buy guns
in Woolworth's now.

Well, that is just ridiculous.

If I ever get out of this mess,

I'm going straight
to Washington,

and I'm going to take
on the gun lobbies

and the all those wimpy,
slack-jaw politicians

who are terrified of them,

and we are going to get

a sane law passed
in this country

that makes these kind of
semi-automatic rifles illegal.

Because you and I

and every deer hunter in America

know in our hearts

that these weapons are not used

for hunting anything but people.

Julia, you're not
depressed anymore.

You're back to your old self.

Yes, I guess I am.

I guess I'm glad to be alive.

Yeah, when you think about it,

exposing yourself in
front of 1,200 people

is nothing compared being
mowed down like a dog

in Suzanne's front yard.

And violation of penal code
1612-22... indecent exposure.

Oh, my gosh. That
was this afternoon.

You're gonna charge
her with that just because

she mooned some
people at a fashion show?

Charlene.

No, we're going to
charge you all with that

because you're in your jammies.

So, okay, bail has been
made. Here is your receipt.

We'll keep your rifle
and frog gigging light.

You can keep the pig until
the court awards custody.

And you, let's keep
it covered, okay?

[Mary Jo] Julia and
Charlene are still asleep

because we stayed up all night.

What did you do?

Oh, nothing. Just,
you know, silly stuff.

Tell me something, Claudia.

- You promise you had
car trouble last night.
- Yes, why?

- Because I wouldn't
want you to lie to me.
- I'm not.

Good, then I won't lie to you.

You know I've always tried

to act very hip and progressive

about the facts of life

and you starting
to date and all that.

But you know the
truth is I'm not very hip.

And I don't care how
much you like somebody

or how much you know
about what precautions to take.

I just plain don't want you

to have sex with
anybody right now

because, you know,
you're only young once.

And I want you to be that
way just as long as possible.

And if you just make the
simple decision not to period.

Then you just don't have
to think about it anymore.

And I know you may think
this unfair for me to ask,

but I just want you to trust
me on this. And if I'm wrong,

then you can just hate
me for the rest of your life.

Mom, I know you don't
want me to have sex.

How do you know that?

Because I'm not stupid.

Anyways, I never
think of you as hip.

You don't?

No.

I know you're old-fashioned.
I'm old-fashioned, too.

Sex is something I just
wouldn't consider till college.

And then it has to
be someone I love.

Thank you.

How did I get so lucky?

Although I do neck.

I don't want to know about it.

I better run.

You know you got
all my friends fooled.

They all think you're very cool.

I mean even Ben and Mindy

were just saying how they wish
their mothers could be more like you.

Do you know Mindy's mom even
followed her on a date one time?

I mean, she actually took
the car out and tailed her.

Can you imagine?

Yeah.

I'm so glad
you're not like that.

Yeah, me, too.

And I'm real glad
you're my daughter.

Goodbye, Mom.

- Love you.
- Bye, love you.

Don't have sex.

♪ I see the bad moon arising ♪

♪ I see trouble on the way ♪

♪ I see earthquakes
and lightnin' ♪

♪ I see bad times today ♪

♪ Don't go around tonight ♪

♪ It's bound to take your life ♪

♪ There's a bad
moon on the rise ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA