Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 7 - Heart Attacks - full transcript

[theme]

[Charlene] I don't believe
these stupid magazines.

I mean, I used to buy 'em 'cause
I thought they were kinda funny.

But now they've
just gone too far.

Listen to this.

"Girl Who Gave
Birth to Identical Twins

"Uses Him for Prom Date"

Can you believe that?

I mean, who goes to
a prom in November?

I wonder if they went
dressed as twins?

Charlene, I would
be more puzzled



as to how one gives
birth to one's prom date.

Not that I am at all interested

in participating
in this discussion.

Sure, Julia. You're
just like all those people

who try to pretend they're
not interested in this stuff.

But I've noticed a lot of
speed reading going on

in those checkout lines.

Oh, you know last week they had this
story about the triumph and heartbreak

of Bridget Nielson
Stallone's honeymoon night?

And in the
10-items-or-less aisle,

everybody was trying so hard to
pretend like they weren't reading it

that there was this
massive six-car pileup.

Well, let me assure you
that I don't even know

who this Bridget
Stallone person is.



Do you believe that?

People have no sense
of history anymore.

I was talking to some Pi
Phi rushees the other day?

They didn't even
know Elizabeth Taylor.

No. Oh, that's
depressing, isn't it?

It makes you wonder what's gonna
happen after our generation's gone.

I'm sorry I'm late. I decided
to go by Helen Jane's

and pick up all those samples.

I'm so glad you
did that, Mary Jo.

I was going over this
afternoon, but I was dreadin' it.

You know, I'm gonna
miss Helen Jane.

Yeah, I know. Me, too.

But I just wanted to get
all that stuff out of their way.

I was just thinking this
morning, this is probably

the first time we've had a customer
die in the middle of a project.

- Anybody home?
- Hi, Reese.

- Hi, Reese.
- Hello, darling.

- Hi, darling.
- Mmm.

You on your way to the airport?

Yes, but I thought I'd stop by

and see what you
thought about not taking

Sheffield out to dinner tonight.

Reese. He's your houseguest.

This is his first night here.
How can we not take him out?

We're all gonna be working
on these contracts all afternoon.

He's gonna be tired.
Maybe we should just

throw a little
something on the grill

and have everybody over.

- You mean all of us?
- Yeah!

Charlene, Suzanne,
Mary Jo, if you're all free.

You know how
Sheff loves the ladies.

Wait a minute. Isn't this that law
school friend of yours from Beverly Hills?

That's right. Sheffield Carter.

You went to the
ball game with us.

Oh, yes. I remember now.

He just kept
flirting with Julia.

Well, yeah. He always does that.

And then he kept bragging

about how he had
simultaneously dated

the Doublemint Twins.

Yeah! Like someone like
me, who has ridden on a float

with the Vice President
of the United States

is gonna be impressed
by something like that.

Well, you can't take
Sheff too seriously.

He's an entertainment attorney.

He's been in Hollywood too long.

You know, he gets
a little carried away.

How long's he gonna
be here, Reese?

Well, however long it takes us

to merge a film
company he represents

and the corporation I represent.

Sounds good to me.
Can I bring anything?

No, no. Hattie Mae will
take care of all the food.

We can't stay up too late now,

'cause we've got
Helen Jane Wilson's

memorial service in the morning.

Oh, my gosh. Am I
glad you mentioned that.

You know, our firm is
gonna be handling her estate,

and Burton asked
me to give you this.

- What is it?
- Well, it's some sort
of a statement

that Helen Jane wanted
read at her memorial service.

Why are you giving it to me?

Because she left
explicit instructions

with Burton about
how she liked you.

Liked you all. And how
you all came to see her

more than anyone
else when she was sick.

Well, that's awful sweet.

She just wanted
somebody from Sugarbakers

to read it, and you
were her first choice.

Just out of curiosity,

was there a runner-up?

[Reese chuckling]

No, Suzanne. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. You're not supposed
to open it until the service.

- Why not?
- Well, that's what he said.

- Look, I gotta go.
- Reese.

Are you sure your friend
wouldn't rather spend

his first evening here,
just you and Julia?

Well, actually, Charlene,
he'd rather spend the evening

with just Julia, but that's
where you all come in.

You're gonna
deflect his attention,

while I have her all to myself.

I said, "Gentlemen.

"If you want to put
that kind of revenue

"into something called Ishtar,

"then be my guest!

"But you're not gonna do
it with my client's money."

We got up. We walked out.

Well, that certainly showed
a lot of insight on your part.

Oh, I don't know.

I wouldn't have put
any money into it.

You know, that Warren Beatty,

he just isn't as cute
as he used to be.

I think he's been
with too many women.

He's starting to
get that used look.

Sheffield, I've been
wanting to ask you,

since you seem to know a
lot of stars and everything.

Do you know what's
happened to Al Pacino?

I can't say that I do, Charlene.

See, I've been kind
of worried about him.

Used to be a big movie
star and everything.

Just seems to have disappeared
off the face of the earth.

It's terrible.

Charlene, I'm sure
he's around somewhere.

- Where?
- I don't know.

Maybe he'll show up on
the back of a milk carton.

Julia! Get in here.

You're missin'
all the good stuff.

Sheffield lives two
houses from Kirk Douglas,

and he used to date
Brooke Shield's momma,

and he went to a UCLA football
game in a helicopter with Prince.

Prince who?

Oh, I give up. She's hopeless.

Hey, Sheff, old buddy.
I have to warn ya.

These ladies are pretty smart.

So if I were you, I'd be
careful about giving 'em

any of your cock-and-bull California
stories about knowing Kirk Douglas,

and how you're gonna take 'em to a
UCLA football game in a helicopter.

I mean, that sort of stuff
doesn't fly down here.

Right, ladies?

- Uh-huh.
- Right.

How about a after-dinner
snorkel on the rocks?

No, thanks, pal. I
swore off that hard stuff.

I just have myself a nice
health cocktail before bedtime.

- [Reese laughs]
- Maybe you should try it.

Oh, no. That's not for me.

I took some vitamins
Julia bought me once.

Made me sick. Laid
me up for two days.

[Sheffield] I can't believe you
don't do any kind of workout.

I work out every day.

Yeah, well, you look like
heck. You oughtta quit it.

I also run five miles.
You oughtta at least run.

Well, why would
I want to do that?

You know, I don't get what all
this excitement is about running.

Heck, I've done a lot
of running in my day.

I ran all the time
when I was a little kid.

Well, Julia looks like
she's in pretty good shape.

Thank you, Sheffield.

Yes. Thank you, Sheff.

The only thing
I can't figure out

is how she got
messed up with you.

Well, the way I
try to look at it is,

yes, it's true I
don't deserve her.

But then, neither
does anyone else.

So I may as well
have her to myself.

All right. All right. The
hour of truth is here.

- Now come here. Come here.
- Okay.

Now don't spare his feelings

just because he's been
moderately charming

on a few occasions.

You're looking at
Yale Law School here.

The same year. Now be honest.

- [laughing]
- Who's held up the best?

- [all talking at once]
- No, no. Come on.

Come on. Isn't it true that
I look ten years younger?

And am in at least five
times as good shape?

Five times as good shape?

You wanna take that to the mat?

[laughing] Fine
with me, wild man.

- Pick your spot.
- Right here. The coffee table.

Wait a minute. What
are y'all gonna do?

An arm-wrestle. We used
to do it for money in school.

Oh, no. Now you're
really acting like little boys.

- Which side do you want?
- This side will be fine.

Look, you're both
in great shape, okay?

- You say when.
- When.

[Julia] Reese Watson,
stop that right now.

Oh, Julia, leave 'em alone.

There's nothing wrong with
letting men fight over you.

Just tell me when
you get tired, old sport.

- You wish.
- [laughing]

Reese. Okay, you
two. That's enough.

- You give?
- Sheffield, stop this.

[gasps]

What a minute,
Reese. You all right?

No.

Pain!

Can't...
- breathe!
- Oh, gosh.

Call an ambulance. I think
he's having a heart attack.

Well, I called Ansel and
Margaret and told 'em

that Daddy's holding his own.

Margaret's catching the
first plane out of Phoenix, and

a friend of mine on the
board of regents at Duke

is gonna fly Ansel
down on his own plane.

They'll arrive around 2:00.

I called Anthony.
He's on his way here.

And I can give him instructions
about opening the store in the morning.

Yeah. Yeah. Good thinking.

Why don't they just come in
here and tell us something?

I can't stand this waiting.

Julia. I want you to
get a hold of yourself.

Now you come on
over here and rest.

I don't wanna rest.

I wanna be with Reese.

I know, but you can't.

He wouldn't even
know you were there.

But I would.

I can't stand to think about
him dying with strangers.

That's the way it
happened with Hayden.

And they wouldn't
let me be with him.

And he was calling for me...

Julia. Listen to me.

I know how you feel about that.

That's why I told the
doctor if, at any time,

it looks like Reese
isn't gonna make it,

they're to come out
here and get you.

- You did?
- [both] You did?

Yes, I did!

- And you know what?
- What?

They haven't come
for you, have they?

No, they haven't.

See?

It's a good sign.

Yes, it is.

Thank you for doing that.

That's all right.

We're just gonna
sit down over here,

together, and you rest
your head on my shoulder.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Better.
- There.

It's amazing, isn't it?

I mean, most of the
time, she goes around

without the sense
God gave a goose.

But look at her. I
mean, one crisis,

and she's Scarlett O'Hara.

I mean, who'd have guessed it?

Sir! I demand that you take
your hands off of me immediately!

I told you, fella. No
visitors after midnight.

Yes. Well, my good man,

I just flew in from Jakarta.

A beastly flight which
landed five hours late,

and has now wrecked
my entire schedule!

An unfortunate occurrence
which I do not feel

merits any further
insults from you!

[stammering] Is there a problem?

- How's Reese?
- Oh, we don't know yet.

I brought you some donuts.

From Jakarta.

- Thank you.
- You know this man?

Yes. He's a personal
friend of the patient here.

I... thought I saw
him casing the lobby.

In the future, there is
no visiting after midnight.

Yes, of course. We understand.

Thank you very
much for escorting me.

Thank you.

Racist swine.

I'm very grateful.

I mean, to have
loved, and been loved,

by two extraordinary men

like Hayden MacLeroy
and Reese Watson.

I have no right to
ask for more than that.

On the other hand, I don't...

see how I can survive this.

Julia, Reese is
gonna be all right.

How do you know?

Because I was over there saying a
little prayer by the candy machine,

and I just have a feeling.

Actually, it's more
than a feeling.

- I made a deal.
- What kind of a deal?

Well, you know, usually
I'm not this unselfish.

But I just got thinking
how you've only loved

two men your whole life,

and here I've had all
of these boyfriends.

So I just told God,
if you let Reese live,

he could take three of mine.

Thank you, Suzanne.

I don't think it works that way.

- Uh, Mrs. Sugarbaker.
- Yes. That's me.

I'm sorry to have kept
you waiting so long,

but we had to make
sure there was no major

structural damage to
the heart muscle itself.

Anyway, he's had a mild,
mild cardial infarction.

But since there's little
permanent damage,

there's no reason he
shouldn't completely recover.

Oh!

Oh, thank you... Can
I go see him now?

In about a half an hour.

And, uh, I'll see you on rounds.

Right.

Yay. Thank you, doctor.

- [all sighing]
- Julia, I told you.

Suzanne, you'd better
get on the phone.

- Why?
- You gotta notify
those three boyfriends.

Boy, what a night.

What night? What a morning.

[phone rings]

Sugarbakers.

Julia, I told you
not to call here.

We've got everything
under control.

[gasps] Oh, no. Oh, my gosh...

What is it? What's wrong?

Helen Jane Wilson's
memorial service.

We forgot all about
it. It's in 30 minutes.

God, you scared me to death.

Yes. Envelope's
still on your desk.

Well, of course we will.

Oh, honey, I don't know.
One of us will read it.

Now don't you
worry about a thing.

Just stay there and
take care of Reese.

We'll flip a coin, okay? Bye.

Come on.

Hi.

Ansel and Margaret are coming.

That mean I'm dying?

No chance.

You're not going anywhere.

That's my girl.

Give me your hand.

So you wanna give me a lecture?

Nope.

Right now I can only
think of three words.

What are they?

Thank you, God.

I thought you were
gonna say "I love you."

[whispers] That, too.

I don't think that
coin toss was fair.

You caught it with your hands.

Yes it was fair, Mary Jo.

Besides, you're a much
better public speaker than I am.

No, I am not. I hate this!

And now we've come
to a very special part

of our memorial
service, because I am told

it was written by
Helen Jane herself.

And it has remained
sealed until this very moment.

So now I'm going to
ask Mrs. Mary Jo Shively

to step forward and
read this final farewell

to family, friends,
and loved ones

of Helen Jane
Wilson. Mrs. Shively.

Thank you, Reverend.

[clears throat]

Uh... uh, it's an
honor for me to fill in

for Julia Sugarbaker, who
has an illness in the family.

With that said, let's
get to the envelope.

- [tearing envelope]
- And the winner is...

Ha... Sorry. I've
been up all night.

[clears throat]

Well, let's see.

"To my husband, Carl."
Where are you, Carl?

Okay. This is for you.

"I'm sorry this has to be said
in front of family and friends,

"but you deserve
it, and you know it.

"For 41 years, you
have been nothing but

"a cold, money-grubbing
son of a..."

Excuse me. Charlene?
What do you think, here?

Gun?

Uh, no, that's
definitely not gun.

I was afraid of that.

"For 41 years, you've
never kissed me

"on entering or
leaving our home.

"Never complimented
me on a meal.

"Never even once
inquired about my health.

"In case you are
wondering now, Carl,

"let me tell you.

"It's not good.

"Perhaps I could have overlooked

"the thousand
insults I suffered daily,

"but no, Carl, that
wasn't enough for you.

"You had to go out and
have an affair with Vivian...

"Blanchard.

"A woman who is absolutely
devoid of character,

"and who has
transformed herself into

"a virtual temple of silicon."

- [gasp]
- [thud]

I guess Vivian's here.

"And for this, Carl,

"I shall never forgive you.

"I could take the stinginess,

"the selfishness, the lying,

"and all the other low-down,

"bug-level baseness.

"But I cannot take you
and Vivien Blanchard

"in a cheap Biloxi hotel

"on the night of
my hysterectomy,

"you son of a...

"gun, low-life,
society-licking, bastard."

I believe we're gonna have
to flip that quarter again.

Mr. Watson, you are
not going back to work.

Yes, I am. I have to.

They're getting ready
to close that merger.

Yes, and Sheffield and Burton
are perfectly capable of handling it.

Here's a man who just had a
heart attack three weeks ago,

and now he is up
pouring himself a drink

like it was New Year's Eve?

Julia, I'm not pouring
myself a drink.

I'm just using a little Scotch

to wash down all these
pills you keep pushing on me.

You look pale. Don't
you think he looks pale?

Oh, no. I think he looks cute.

Kinda tasseled and sexy.

Well. Ha!

I am obviously messing around

with the wrong
Sugarbaker sister.

You're gonna have a
chance to change that tonight.

I'm going out with Sheffield,

while Suzanne keeps you company.

What, again?

You people go to
dinner every other night!

What are you in, some
kind of eating club?

Now, Reese. There's no
way that I'd be leaving you,

but you said he
gets on your nerves.

I'm just trying to be helpful.

Look, don't do me
any favors, okay?

If you enjoy Sheffield's
company, just say so.

I mean, I'm not
stupid, you know.

The old blood supply is
still rushing to the brain.

Maybe not as fast as it used to,

but it's still getting there.

And while we're on the subject,

the bottom half of me
is still operational, too.

Just in case you're
ever again interested.

Reese Watson. And
right in front of Suzanne.

Oh, horse feathers.

Suzanne knows all about
the bottom half of men.

Don't you, girl?

Well, I don't like to brag.

Yes, you do.

Just for the record, I am not
interested in Sheffield Carter.

Well, I don't know why not.

He sure as heck
is interested in you.

Dr. Harrison said it would be
normal for you to be emotional.

You're damn right I'm emotional.

That's how I get when
some guy tries to steal my girl.

And listen. Furthermore,
I'm sick and tired

of the two of you
treating me like

Pa Kettle on excursion
from some nursing home.

I'm sorry.

I lost one person
to a heart attack.

I don't intend to lose another.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Can I bring you anything?

As a matter of fact, you can.

I'd like a pair of
real cool sunglasses,

a Mercedes 450 SL convertible,

and a topless Tahitian
girl who doesn't know

the least little thing
about Kaopectate.

You are terrible. Good night.

I had the heart
attack on my own,

but she's giving me a stroke.

Sheffield, I have to thank
you for another lovely evening.

I don't know what Reese
and I would have done

if you hadn't been there
for us these past few weeks.

Guess it's going to be
hard to leave on Friday.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Oh, my word.

Reese was right!

How could I have been so stupid?

What do you want me to say?

I'm sorry? I'm not.

I've wanted to do
that for a long time.

But I thought you
were his friend.

Look, I know I'm out of line.

I guess I just don't
care any more.

Reese and I have
always competed.

Even in law school.

I was number one.
He was number two.

But then things
sort of evened out,

when he got you.

Were you fighting over me?

[snorts] Yes. I guess,
in a way, we were.

And I'll tell you
something else.

Reese Watson is one
of the best friends I have.

But if I thought that you'd walk
out that door with me right now,

I would run all the way to
his house to tell him about it.

I just bet you would.

But I know that's
not going to happen.

Because I saw your
face at the hospital.

Then why are you
telling me all this now?

I don't know.

Guilt, maybe.

Well, whatever it is,

let's keep it between ourselves.

Thinking your friend
might betray you,

and knowing he has,
are two different things.

I guess I didn't realize
how much you loved him

until he got sick.

Love doesn't even
begin to cover it.

Reese.

Yeah. Come on in.

I'm quietly reading
National Geographic.

Got a great article in here on
how shoes are made in England.

In case you're wondering,
I've taken all my medicine.

Julia. In the middle
of the afternoon?

Life is short.

And I don't think we should
waste another second of it.

I can't believe that
you came over here

in your jammies.

You Sugarbaker
women are kinda wild.

- Aren'tcha?
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- Have I told you lately,
Reese Watson,

how very attractive
I think you are?

No.

Have I told you that
Hattie Mae is in the kitchen?

I gave Hattie Mae
the afternoon off.

Oh, you bad, bad girl.

I missed you so much.

Oh, not as much as I missed you.

What would you say if I told you

we have the whole long day?

[sighs]

I'd say be still, my heart.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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