Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 8 - Cruising - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

You know what could be
keeping Julia and Mary Jo?

That Career Day's assembly
should be over by now.

Well, I just hope
Anthony appreciates them

going all the way into the
inner city to his old high school.

I mean, I'm all for being nice

to the less fortunate
and the poor,

but, well, if they
want our help,

I think they should move
to better neighborhoods.

Don't you?

Yeah. Right.



Hey, y'all. We were
just talking about you.

- How was Career Day?
- Great.

There was a big turnout.
Julia gave a super talk.

I think Anthony was very proud.

As a matter of fact, it would have
been an almost perfect morning

if it wasn't for this
one ugly little incident

in the parking lot.

What ugly incident?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just... a couple
hoods got after Julia.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

Hoods love Julia.

It's that little
sashay in her walk.

Well, what did they say?



Does it matter?

They said the same
asinine stuff they always say.

I know, but just out of
curiosity, what was it?

Charlene, we always
go through this.

Why do you have to know?

I don't know. It's a sickness.

All right, Charlene.

If you must know, they said,

"Hey, sweetmeat,
what it is. Mm-mmm.

"Strut it out. Bring it
on home to me now."

Okay?

But you haven't even
heard the really big news.

There was this other
guy there at Career Day,

a travel agent who was very
impressed with Julia's talk.

He books these singles cruises down
to the Bahamas for Brenner Cruise Line,

which has just been
purchased by a new owner

who wants to completely
refurbish the flagship,

and they're looking for
a decorating company.

Oh, you're kidding.
That sounds wonderful.

I wouldn't get too excited. We
haven't even met the owner yet,

and anyway, I don't think we
have time to be going on a cruise.

Well, you can count me out.

I'm not going on
any singles cruise.

And I'm certainly not
interested in putting up

with a bunch of dorky men

in bad toupees
and polyester suits.

You know, I am sick and tired

of everyone putting down
people who wear polyester.

I would just like
to know who it was

decided that it
wasn't hip or cool.

The fact is, polyester
doesn't wrinkle,

and it does travel very well,

and I know some very
fine people who wear it,

and I think it was high
time the truth was told.

Charlene, that is not the point.

You're not the one who'd
have to put up with those men.

There she goes again.
What does that mean?

It just means that I have
been on cruises before,

and the men always
have a fit over me.

I mean, we're in a confined
area over a long period of time,

and it never fails.

By the time we dock, every
woman on board hates my guts.

I notice the captain wasn't there to
greet us when we came on board,

and I know it's a tradition.
Is he sick or something?

No, just drunk.

Excuse me. I think there
must be some mistake.

We're supposed
to have a stateroom

with a conversation area.

Right. This is it.

We're giving you
the deluxe suite.

And as far as the
conversation area,

well, it's been my
experience on this boat,

you can pretty much
talk anywhere you want.

Well, I'm sorry,

but I can't possibly
stay in here.

There isn't enough
room for my clothes.

Madam, count your blessings.

There are people in steerage

that don't even have clothes.

They're right next
to the boiler room,

and it's so hot,

they sit around naked
all day playing cards.

You're making that up.

I am. We don't have cards.

Well, I am Claude,
at your service.

I'll just go and get
the rest of her things.

I know her type.

[singsong voice] She's
going to be trouble.

Well, I just cannot believe

I let you all talk me into this.

What a dump.

That's why we're here, Suzanne.

To fix it up.

That's right, and I
think it's exciting,

- even if it's not
the Love Boat.
- [cork pops]

♪ Love exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

- [ship horn sounds]
- Anthony, that's
the warning whistle.

I guess I better shove off.

I'd just like to say,

Bon voyage to four
very wonderful people.

And may God be with you.

Well, I can tell you right now

we're not gonna be the only
ones assigned to this table.

They're gonna try to match us up

with people who
have similar interests.

From what I've
seen on this tugboat,

there's certainly not gonna be
anyone with interests similar to mine.

You're just gonna
act like a big donkey,

aren't you, Suzanne?

You're not even gonna
try to have a good time.

How can I have a good time?

I can't even
unpack my toiletries.

There's not enough room in the
closet for all the dresses I brought,

and that idiot steward
lost two of my wigs.

I hate this boat.

I would just like to
eat and get out of here.

The men on these
cruises are so creepy.

I can just feel them wanting me.

I hate to disillusion
you, Suzanne,

but the only thing I see
people around here wanting

is the waiter.

Oh, get serious, Julia.

That guy over there has been
undressing me with his eyes

ever since I came in. He
was practically drooling.

I noticed him.

I thought he was choking
on a piece of meat.

What I want to know is,

where did he get it?

Anyway, Suzanne, even if that guy
was undressing a person at this table,

what makes you
so sure it was you?

Yeah. We admit,

you got a lot of stuff
sticking out in the right spots,

but the rest of us clean
up pretty good, too.

You see, one day on board

and it's already
happening. You're jealous.

We are not jealous.

We are just sick and
tired of you acting like

every man between here
and Pluto is panting over you,

and the rest of us
are dog biscuits.

Now, you know, let's not fight.

We came here to work.

Well, since we are
on a singles cruise,

I think maybe we should get
this settled once and for all.

What does that mean?

I mean, I challenge you.

Why don't we just see who
can get the best-looking guy

before the captain's dinner?
That's the last night on board.

Now, Mary Jo, don't start this.
That's just your Mai Tai talking.

No, it is not. I am serious.

And I'm willing to put my
money where my mouth is.

All right. How much?

Well, I need my
traveler's checks.

So I'll just put
up some jewelry.

Such as?

Ted's opal pinkie ring.

Oh, come on, you
two, don't start.

Fine. And just to show
you how confident I am,

I'll put up Philip's
diamond bracelet.

I don't understand this contest.

Who's gonna be the judge?

I don't know, Charlene. We
haven't figured out all the details yet.

Well, I think it's ridiculous,

and I'm having
nothing to do with it.

Obviously, we don't have
to worry about a dress code.

Hi. Looks like
we've got your table.

I'm sure they'll add some more
guys soon. They always do.

Gee, there's four of you.

That's a lot.

If you think about it,

that means there's
fewer spaces for guys.

Somebody obviously
screwed up around here.

I don't know, Terry.
What do you think?

It's not good.

Anyway, this is
Terry, and I'm Jhana.

That's J-h-a-n-a.

Only the "H" is silent.

I added it myself.

Excuse me.

I have to tell you, I
absolutely love your makeup.

Look at that, Terry.

Look at how those little lashes
stay separated down there,

and they're not
caked together at all.

Oh, I know what you mean.

Sometimes if you use
a wand down there,

it gets caked up on
an individual lash.

It doesn't look
natural, you know.

And then the little
black chunks fall down.

I hate that when that happens.

Has that ever happened to you?

No.

Ladies, may I take your order?

Oh, it's Joan Collins. You're
gonna be our waitress again, huh?

Actually, darling, I'm
tonight's entertainment.

But they were
short-handed in the kitchen.

I see you two
are still cruising.

Well, never give up.

That's the spirit.

Aren't you the person who
brought our bags on board?

Yes, I am.

And I know what you're thinking.

You think that this is your wig,

but it's not.

I've had this wig
for a long, long time.

It just looks
very, very similar.

- [drum roll]
- [Man] Ladies and gentlemen,

Brenner Cruise Lines
is proud to present

tonight's dinner entertainment,

the Queen of the High Seas,

Mr. Claude LaBelle.

Oh, darling, hold this.
I'll make a quick change.

I just cannot believe
it. Did y'all see that?

He's got my wig on.

That's my wig. He stole it.

- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.

I had that hair
grown special for me.

I'm just gonna have to
report him to the police.

Suzanne, don't make a big
deal of it. Just let him have it.

Anyway, he looks
real good in it.

♪♪ [fanfare]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Bette Davis.

[applause]

Thank you. Ha.

Thank you, darling.
Hold those for me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And thank you.

What a cruise.

Tell me, darlings, was that
Joan Collins hustling the tables?

Ha.

She's got to go.

One bitch on this
boat is enough.

[laughter]

Tammy Faye Baker
was with us tonight.

I saw her on the deck.

Her makeup fell off.

It was horrible.

Her face is that big.

And Katharine Hepburn.

You do remember Katharine
with that buzz-saw voice.

[imitating Katharine
Hepburn] Oh, hello, Bette.

When Spencer
Tracy met me, he said,

"Kate, I'm a man,
and you're a woman."

Well, I was happy.

It was the first time

anyone ever confirmed
the doctor's report.

I made this dumb bet

that I could get the
best-looking guy on board

- before the captain's dinner.
- [laughs] Whoa.

I was wondering if you
might know somebody.

Well, this guy over here.
He gets a lot of women.

As a matter of fact,

he's been on every
cruise I've ever been on.

I hate his guts.

I can't use him.

He's talking to the
girl I made the bet with.

Whoa. How much did you bet?

You're here to work.

That's great. I admire that.

I'm in paper milling
in Detroit, myself.

Now let me tell you,

that can put you in touch with
some pretty special people.

But when I saw
you, I said to myself,

"Mel, this is a lady with class.

"It's written all over her.

"It's written on
the way she sits,

the front of her face, the back
of her legs when she walks.

Mel, before you do
any more writing on me,

I think you should
know I'm engaged.

That's too bad. When
are you getting married?

Just as soon as this boat docks.

Julia, I need to talk
to you for a minute.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Excuse us. Can I steal
her away for a minute?

Go right ahead. I don't blame
you. She's a special lady.

Yes. She is, isn't she?

Listen, I think
we're in big trouble.

Did you see that guy
Suzanne's with at the bar?

He's probably the
best-looking guy on board.

I don't know what you
mean, "we're" in big trouble.

I don't recall putting my
pinkie ring out on the table.

I know that,

but I thought that I
was representing us all

in trying to teach
Suzanne a lesson.

What is this person's name?

Mel.

Maybe he has a
semi-decent friend.

I wouldn't count on it.

Hey, you guys. What's going on?

Everybody's got somebody
but me. That's what's going on.

Mary Jo, I wish you
hadn't made that bet.

Did you see who
Suzanne's talking to?

Yes, I saw it. I'm never
gonna live it down.

Excuse me.

But if you're talking
about that guy at the bar,

he is no big deal.

I mean, he's on
every ship I go on.

In fact, I hate his guts.

- Who's this?
- Mel.

You know, it sort
of sticks in your craw

when guys like that, with
absolutely no sensitivity,

have women
groveling at their feet.

And I'm the kind
of guy they laugh at.

Yeah, okay, I wear
too much jewelry.

And maybe I'm too tan.

And maybe I'm trying
too hard to hold off my 50s

by working out in the gym

and getting myself the best
toupee that money can buy.

Oh, boy, you sure got
your money's worth there.

- I couldn't even tell.
- Well, good night.

It's been a lovely evening.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is,

Let them laugh as I walk
through the big surf of life.

I like my tan.

I like my toupee.

And I know in here,

those are two things they
can never take away from me.

This is it. 2:00 A.M.
and she's not even in.

She is so competitive.

She's just doing
this to humiliate me.

Maybe she really likes this guy.

Oh, come on.

Suzanne never falls for
anybody. She just wants to win.

Well, you did okay.
You met someone.

- That little guy
you were talking to.
- Howard?

Come on. I don't even know him.

His nose started bleeding

while I was talking to him.

Why are you so quiet
down there, Julia?

I was just trying
to say my prayers.

What were you praying for?

Charlene, do I have
to tell you everything?

Just curious.

All right, Charlene.

If you must know,

I was praying, number one,

that you all would
let me go to sleep.

Number two, that I
would not be seated

next to Club Mel at breakfast.

Number three, I was thanking God

that I did not grow
up with a mother

who wore a leopard
skin headband,

white see-through T-shirt,

and glued rhinestones
to her fingernails.

I know what you mean, but
Jhana has some good makeup tips.

Do y'all know that if you
spit in frosted eyeshadow,

it'll make the sparkles
come out more?

Mary Jo, what on
earth is the matter now?

This stupid dress of Suzanne's.

This is so typical.

It's just like her to
hang this by my bed

so it won't get
wrinkled in the closet.

And I'm so little it
won't bother me.

She does this kind of
thing to me all the time.

Why don't you just take it down?

Actually, this fascinates me.

These bra cups are huge.

It's kind of like
this is the corral

where Suzanne keeps her bosoms,

and I'm the hired
hand who guards them

while she's taking them
out on a midnight ride.

Suzanne, where have you been?

I cannot believe you
stayed out all night.

Yeah, we were worried sick.

For all we knew, you
were eaten by a shark.

I never thought a shark ate you.

Well, I was out
dancing under the stars

with Trevor.

Then we had a late supper,

and then watched the sun
come up, sitting in the deck chairs.

Oh, it was wonderful.

You're just gloating

'cause you know
you're in pinkie ring city.

- What?
- The contest.

You just did it
so you could win.

Oh, I don't care
about that silly contest.

I'm in love.

Isn't this a little sudden?

After all, you've only
shared one sunrise.

I know. I can't even
believe it myself.

But then I've never
known anyone like Trevor.

I mean, do y'all know
anything about him?

No. Only that his
name is stupid.

And that everybody
hates his guts.

Yeah, well, whoever said that

must just be jealous.

You see, he has to put up
with the same kind of thing I do.

Jealousy, envy, hate.

I just cannot believe how
much we have in common.

He told me

that he takes an hour
to an hour and a half

to work on his
hair every morning.

And he wasn't even ashamed.

I've never known
a man like that.

I have. Ted was like that.

It was like meeting
a male version of me.

I mean, how could
I help but love him?

I guess this means

you'll be taking him
to the captain's dinner.

Better than that.

I might be taking him home.

Gee, I can't believe the
prices for half a grapefruit.

Tea.

[imitating Jack Benny]
Gee, Rochester.

What do you want for nothing?

[normal voice] So where's
the rest of the troupe?

Did someone get
lucky last night?

Actually, I wouldn't know.

Suzanne's sleeping
in, and my other friends

are measuring the
floor in the gift shop.

It needs new carpeting.

Yes. Don't we all?

We're gonna go off to the pool.

Don't do anything
we wouldn't do.

Hi.

Yeah, I think I'll
shove off, too.

By the way, did
you ever think about

taking the Antarctic cruise?

- Hear it's very nice.
- Then why don't you take it?

The climate would be perfect.
Your clothes are all rubber.

See what I mean? A jerk.

That was very snotty.

But also kind of funny.

I'm glad you liked it.

So... Suzanne's
still sacked out, huh?

Yeah. I guess you guys
had a pretty swell night.

Yeah, not really.

Actually, I'm not even
assigned to this table.

I just came over
here to meet you.

Me? What for?

Because I noticed
you last night,

and I liked your
hair. I liked your face.

You got a great little butt.

- Well, thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

I really don't think you should
be talking to me that way.

You hardly know me, and I
thought you and Suzanne...

Look. Let's not
talk about Suzanne.

I wouldn't even
have been with her,

except that you seemed
interested in that little guy

- with the nosebleed.
- Howard?

You thought I liked Howard?

Hey, maybe you're
kinky. I don't know.

I just thought that we
could see Nassau together.

Then...

Well, who knows what
happens on the way home.

You mean like go to
the captain's dinner?

That, too.

I promise to make this a
cruise that you won't forget.

I thought you and Suzanne.

Oh, will you stop
talking about Suzanne?

She's not my type.

She's kind of a
cornball, you know,

with that big hair and
those dumb dresses.

I would much rather
kiss the back of your neck.

Excuse me, but I don't like

to have the back of my
neck kissed before breakfast.

Especially by somebody
who is too dumb

to appreciate a woman
like Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Just who do you think
that you're talking about?

This is no two-bit
singles cruise barnacle.

This is the
Rolls-Royce of females,

who happens to have more
beauty titles than you have teeth.

And let me tell
you something else.

I consider it an honor
just to guard her brassiere,

and I am not even a man.

So what are you
saying here? Yes or no?

I'm saying that one
of us loves Suzanne,

and I guess it's me.

What exactly does that mean?
Wait a second. Come here!

What was that all about?

Oh, my dear, you just missed it.

I couldn't hear
everything, but basically,

he was hitting on her to
spend the weekend with him.

Then she got mad

and said you were the
Rolls-Royce of women.

Then there was something strange

about guarding your underwear.

To be perfectly frank, my dear,

I thought that part
was a little odd.

And then she ended by saying

she's in love with you herself.

Suzanne, I can't believe you're
not saying good-bye to Trevor.

I told you, Charlene,
I just lost interest.

You can only go so shallow,

and then you hit bottom.

I know what you mean.

All right, ladies. Last call.

By the way, don't
use the elevator.

There's some people trapped.

That's terrible. How
long they been there?

Since the last cruise.

Is he serious? Is he?

Mary Jo, I'd like
for you to have this.

Why? I didn't win.

I know.

But it would look better on you.

No, really, I couldn't.

I... It's way too
expensive. It...

Maybe I could just
wear it on the ride home.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

See you next cruise?

That is, if these
two don't work out.

I told you I don't
have a Kleenex.

Sorry you didn't
make any new friends.

I wouldn't exactly say that.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA