Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 6 - Dash Goff, the Writer - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Hey, Mary Jo, did you
finish that book report

on The Great Gatsby for me?

It's right here on my desk.

Well, all right. Thanks a lot.

Wait a minute, Anthony.

You're paying out good
money to go to junior college,

and Mary Jo is doing
your work for you?

I'm not doing his work for him.

I just wrote a little report.

But that's cheating.



No more so than using
Monarch notes or study aids.

Oh, for crying out loud.
What difference does it make?

I mean, we're talking
about an ex-convict.

It's not like it's going
to tarnish his record.

Suzanne, we have all
made mistakes in our lifetime.

For example, that turban
you wore at your third wedding

was a mistake.

That's right, but
that doesn't mean

we assume for
the rest of your life

you're going to be
wearing bad hats.

So stop constantly
bringing up the fact

that Anthony has been in prison.

Thanks a lot, Julia.
I appreciate that.

And what was wrong
with that turban?



Everybody said I looked
like Elizabeth Taylor.

They were kidding you.

You looked like Nehru.

Who's Nehru?

Oh, he used to be
the President of India.

I remember in grade school,

his pictures were always
in our Weekly Reader.

I don't think he wore
a turban, though.

Looked more like a soda
fountain jerk's cap to me.

Anthony, I want you
to give that report back.

What? Why?

Because Julia's
made me feel guilty,

and I certainly don't want
to ruin the rest of your life.

Oh, man. Now I'm going
to have to actually read

all these books myself.

I hate these kinds of books.

What kind is that?

You know, the
kinds that are filled

with symbolism and irony.

I don't like irony.

I just like a good, basic story.

[gasps] Oh, Anthony,

then you should read
Twice Before Dawn.

I could not put it down.

It's about this girl
named Danielle

who accidentally
marries her first cousin,

but they think the baby's
going to be all right.

But then, after he grows up,

they find out he's
off the beam after all.

Dash Goff, what
are you doing here?

I thought you were at
Fayetteville, teaching.

I got a little sabbatical.

I've been out to California.

Just decided to stop
by on my way back.

- Charlene.
- Hi, Dash.

- Mary Jo.
- Hi, Dash.

How's my favorite
ex-sister-in-law?

How are you doing,
Dash? How are you doing?

Top of the world.
Couldn't be better.

Oh, no, you're not.

That's what you always
say when you're depressed.

Now you just come on
over here and sit down,

and tell me what happened.

Well, I guess I could
be doing a little bit better.

My novel just got rejected

as a Book of The
Month Club alternate.

- Oh.
- Aw.

- Yeah.
- Well, big deal.

Who wants to be
an alternate anyway?

You know, the alternate
for Miss America

doesn't even get a convertible.

Gee, I hadn't thought
about it that way.

Actually, I thought Hollywood
was going to buy the rights.

Thank you. But they
changed their minds.

Who's "they"?

Oh, these television people.

First, I met with
somebody named Jeff

and somebody else named
Irving, and they turned me down.

I don't think they had
much power, though.

Especially not Jeff.

He didn't even have
a parking space.

They asked him to move
his car during the meeting.

Well, how come they
didn't want to buy the rights?

I don't know.

They said the characters
were unbelievable,

that they were all
misfits and eccentrics

and black sheep.

I told them in the South

everyone in everybody's
family is a black sheep.

That's what being
Southern means.

Well, how about
selling it to the movies?

Oh, no. They
turned me down, too.

They said it wasn't
feature material,

that it would play
better on television.

Said it kind of snotty, too.

I guess I shouldn't
feel too bad.

They did hug me a lot.

Well, I, for one,
would love to read it.

Do you happen to
have an extra copy?

- Me, too.
- Help yourself.

I'm giving them out
as old party favors,

coasters, stocking stuffers.

Here you go.

Being Belled.

Yeah. It's basically about

Southern men and Southern belles

and how they
interconnect, so to speak.

Listen to this.

"And when an affair was over,
she left a man dazed and wobbly

"and squinty-eyed like some
wrung-out old gas station dog,

"all spindly legs
and dry heaves,

"sometimes trying to stand in
the shadow of his former self,

"but mostly just
staring disinterested

"into the hot Delta sun.

"This is what is
known in the South

as 'being belled.'"

[laughs]

That's fantastic! I love that.

- Could I have a copy, too?
- Take the whole suitcase.

Well, I guess I may
as well take one, too.

Tell me, Dash, do you
happen to have a report

that goes with this?

Dash Goff, I want you to get up.

You've done nothing
but lie on that sofa

ever since you got here.

Don't move that.
I'm expecting a call.

I know.

You've been waiting on
that call for three days.

What could be so important?

Well, let's just say
it's my last hope.

Don't talk about
it. You might jinx it.

Oh, all right.

Here. I want you to look at
these old pictures I found.

Remember this?

That was the first
time you ever saw me.

I was selling kisses
at the Pi Phi booth.

Yeah, you had the highest
prices and the longest lines.

That should have
been my first clue.

- Dash.
- Mmm?

Do you ever wonder
why we got married?

No. I know why.

I wanted to be a writer

and I felt that I hadn't
suffered enough.

How do you feel now?

I feel that I have.

You know, being married to you

wasn't such a walk
in the park, either.

I mean, you were
always getting mad

about the least little thing,

like if I just
happened to throw out

the wrong papers or something.

I think you're referring
to my third novel.

Do you still miss me?

Sometimes.

When I'm drunk.

You know, you should
do something about that.

Why don't you go to that
Schick Center or something.

Unfortunately, they
don't have a program

for men who were
married to you, dated you,

or just brushed up
against you in an elevator.

You do still miss me.

[phone ringing]

Don't answer that. I'll get it.

- It's for me.
- Oh. Okay.

[ringing continues]

Hello.

Yeah, this is he.

Hi, Bill. What'd you find out?

Uh-huh.

You... You tried everybody, huh?

Well, hey, don't feel bad.
You gave it your best shot.

Right.

Thanks for calling.

Well, that makes it unanimous.

I have just walked away
with the publishing world's

Triple Crown of rejection...

TV, movies, and now paperback.

Oh, well, there must
be something else.

Yeah. View-Master.

Suzanne, I have never had
a book not go to paperback.

You know what this
means, don't you?

This is the
beginning of the end.

I can't cut it anymore.

No use kidding myself.

You're looking at a
44-year-old washed up,

wiped out failure.

I'm telling you, he
is driving me crazy.

All he does is sit around
all day like third base,

watching those Father
Knows Best reruns,

staring out the window.

I don't know. I've never
seen Dash like this.

He used to be so... dashing.

Well, I don't know what
he's depressed about.

I finished his book last night.

I thought it was wonderful.

I laughed my head off.

Well, I loved it, too.

I can see where it wouldn't
translate easily into film,

but the descriptions
are priceless.

Y'all listen. Isn't
this a great line?

"She was a woman
who enjoyed littering.

And for her, men were
just as good as Kleenex."

This is my favorite.
Listen to this.

"She had one of
those guilty smiles

"where the corners of
the mouth turned upward

"just in time to
keep the lips quiet,

"leaving a man to wonder
if she'd wrecked his car,

"slept with his best friend,

or given all his clothes
to the Salvation Army."

If that isn't Suzanne
Sugarbaker,

I will eat my desk!

I'm glad you all are getting
such a bang out of this.

I mean, I would think you
might give me a little help here.

Not that I couldn't give Dash
a reason for living myself,

but he might take
it the wrong way.

It is terrible.

Here we are, loving
this man's work

and not even bothering
to let him know it.

It must be devastating

to have written
something this wonderful

and then feel so unappreciated.

Oh, why don't you all

come on over to the
house tonight and tell him?

I'll do better than that.

I'm going to take him to dinner.

Well, Julia, I
have to apologize.

I know I haven't
been good company.

As far as I'm concerned, Dash,
you're always good company.

As a matter of fact,

when I finished
your book last night,

I had one pang of regret.

Yeah? What was that?

That you're not my
brother-in-law anymore.

I kind of liked being related
to somebody who has

this kind of panache and style.

There's not much of that
left in the world, you know.

So few people
appreciate good literature,

or even read, for that matter.

Well, you have always
belonged to another time.

Oh, you think so?

Where would you put me?

Oh, I don't know.

Sometime before
flirting became extinct.

[chuckling]

When letter writing was an art,

stationary was engraved,

and dinner was an event.

It's sad, isn't it?

Mmm.

You know, they've even disbanded

my junior study club.

We used to discuss a
different novel every week.

How I loved that.

Well, I guess
that's a silly idea.

What?

I was just thinking,

so long as you have nothing
but time on your hands,

maybe we could
start it up again.

- Start what?
- Well, you know,
just organize

a little study club. You
could be our teacher.

We could include Anthony.

He's having such a hard
time with American Lit.

All right, if it'll
make you happy.

Wonderful.

Well, I better be going.

Say, did you, by any chance,

find yourself in here?

No. I didn't notice anything.

Well, there was this one
passage about a woman

who ran a perpetual temperature
from cool porcelain to hot steel

and could fan a fire with
a quick sashay of her walk,

but I didn't think that was me.

Well, it was.

What I don't understand
is why there aren't any

good sexy love scenes anymore.

Have you even noticed?

I mean, people in movies
never say "I love you"

and they're not even
very sweet to each other.

I mean, I love that guy
in your book, Dink Oliver.

I especially love when
he's in bed with Allison

and she says, "Take
me again and again!"

And he says he can't
take her again and again

because that only
happens in novels.

I mean, Dink is very sexy to me

'cause he's funny and...

Oh, you probably
don't care what I think.

I'm just an average person.

Charlene, there is
nothing average about you.

- You don't think so?
- No way.

Oh. Well, what would
you write about me?

You know, if you were
to write something.

Well, I would probably
write something like...

"Charlene, she
was all cotton candy

"and pink champagne.

"Legs that stretched
out for five or six miles.

"And one of those laughs

that made you feel like
riding around in a convertible."

Oh, boy. That's nice.

You know what
I'd write about you?

- Hmm?
- I'd write,

"Dash Goff, darn sweet."

Come on, you're too young
to remember Fats Domino.

No way, man.

I was in junior high.

We had this old, black magician

that used to come to
our school every year

with the Southern
Assemblies program.

A Mr. D. Weldon Scott.

And for some reason he
always used Fats Domino

for his background music.

Anyway, this one time,

he made a rabbit
disappear into a hat

and he called me up
on stage to verify it.

Well, I look into the hat

and I see this little
rabbit staring at me

through a hole in the lining.

Well, Mr. D. Weldon says,

"Uh, tell me, son,

do you see a rabbit in there?"

[laughs] I never will forget.

"Blue Monday" was
playing on the loud speaker.

His hands were shaking.

And he's looking at me,
pleading with those yellow eyes.

And I said, "Uh,
no sir. I do not."

Well, after the assembly,

he came up to me
and gave me a dollar.

And I was arrested
that afternoon

in the candy store
for passing counterfeit.

Anthony, that is a great story.

You ought to put
that down on paper.

Oh, shoot, man. I
couldn't write anything.

You just did.

Well, I just can't tell you
how much I appreciate

you helping me pick out
some books for my kids, Dash.

Hey, I enjoy it.

I used to review
children's books.

Sylvester and the Magic Pebble.

Oh, now that is a classic.

It's about this donkey
that turns into a boulder,

and he... [sighs]

Well, you had to be there.

I remember the first
book I ever fell in love with

was Little Women.

Oh, I wanted to be Jo so bad.

But I finally realized

that some of us
just are not the stuff

that great
literature is made of.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

I think everyone's a character.

It's just some of us haven't
met the right writer yet.

Thank you.

Ahh.

Huck Finn?

Now that is a must
for every daughter.

I like your style.

"And as I sat there,

"brooding on the
old unknown world,

"I thought of Gatsby's
wonder when he first

"picked out the green light
at the end of Daisy's dock.

"He had come a long
way to this blue lawn

"and his dream must
have seemed so close,

that he could hardly
fail to grasp it."

Thank you, Anthony.

That is another example

of one of the great passages
of American Literature.

The sort of thing
that a person might

miss out on if he
only read a synopsis.

Right.

Uh, excuse me.
I've left my notebook.

Who's this Daisy person?

Suzanne, where have you been?

We just covered that.

She's been cleaning
out her purse.

Oh, who cares?

Besides, the only Daisy I
know is married to Li'l Abner.

Anyway, I thought
y'all were just gonna

take Dash out a few times.

I didn't know we were gonna
have to adopt him for life

- and organize a class
around him.
- Shh!

Daisy was never
married to Li'l Abner.

They just dated.

Uh, last time we talked about

how our individual
language banks are shrinking.

Our adjectives are
imprecise and ordinary.

And we've developed a kind
of counterfeit communication

which diminishes
us all with its banality.

Say what?

In other words,
we don't talk good.

That's right. We
don't talk good.

And we don't write good.

Tonight I want to ask you all

to test your creative powers

by coming up with a
descriptive sentence

about someone in this class.

A good way to begin
your sentence would be

"He was like..." or

"She was the kind
of woman who..."

For example, if I
were describing Julia,

I might say,

"She was the kind of
woman who wore old money

as casually as
last year's clothes."

Mmm.

Well, I don't think
that's a very good one.

All right, Suzanne.
Would you like to try one?

And don't tell us who it is.

All right.

"He was like an ex-convict

who cheated on his book report."

[all] Suzanne!

Now, that's cold.

Anthony, would
you like to try one?

Yes, I believe I would.

How about:

"She was the kind of woman

that treated men like
old gas station dogs."

I... I think that you all may
be missing the point here.

You see, the idea
is not just to state,

but to illuminate.

Mary Jo, do you have one?

Yeah. I think I have one.

"She was the kind of
woman who would have dated

Lee Harvey Oswald
in high school."

Well, why are
y'all looking at me?

Mary Jo, I can't
believe you said that!

Charlene, do you have one?

Yes, I do.

This is a good
one. Are you ready?

Go ahead.

"If words could kill, this
woman would be on death row."

- That's you, Julia.
- Yes, I got that.

- Thank you, Charlene.
- You're welcome.

Well, I hope you all will
continue to work on this

and, um... Mary Jo,
is something wrong?

No.

I just think it's very telling

that everybody has something
said about 'em but me.

I mean, it just proves
that I'm not a character.

Oh, for crying out loud.
She can have mine.

Give her a gas station dog.

I don't want that one!

Well, then, take the
one he wrote about me.

You mean, about throwing
men away like Kleenex?

- Yeah.
- That doesn't fit Mary Jo.

Oh, I see.

Well, I cannot believe

I am the only litter
bug around here.

Dash, you're the writer.
You describe Mary Jo.

Well, okay.

I would say that Mary Jo

is part calico choir girl,

and part satin dancehall doll,

with amber eyes

and a dash of
hellcat red in her hair.

The kind of woman a
man wants in his bedroom

when he's sick

and in his bed when he's not.

- Thank you.
- Whoa!

I like that one.
That's a good one.

Oh, get serious!

Mary Jo a hellcat? Huh!

He just said there's
hellcat in her hair.

I know what he said.

But he implied that she is one.

You don't know everything
about me, Suzanne.

I might be a
hellcat in disguise.

Ah, ladies, please.

This is only a class and
I'm not even giving grades.

And if you all could quit
quibbling for one second,

I have something here
I've been working on.

- May I?
- Be my guest.

"Dash Goff, a lover of women,

"mostly Southern,
and words... all kinds.

"And when he got
them both together,

"between two covers,
it was a rip-roaring,

"fire-cracking, roller
coaster of a ride.

And we are all the better
for having bought a ticket."

- Here, here.
- Oh, that's great.

I can't believe you're
leaving in the morning.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking
about starting a new novel.

I thought you were
too depressed.

I'm feeling better.

Yeah, I noticed you've
been acting a lot happier.

In fact, it seems you've
been having yourself

a heck of a good time with
Julia and Mary Jo and Charlene.

I'm glad they were
able to inspire you so

with their old money

and legs that go
on for six miles

and hellcat hair.

How do you know about legs?

Charlene told me.

In fact, it seems that
everybody's been able

to lift your depression but me.

You aren't getting
jealous on me, are ya?

No.

But, you know, I could
inspire you again, too,

if I wanted to.

You inspire me
just standing there.

I mean, I never believed
for one second that I couldn't

if I put my mind to it.

Neither did I.

[sighs] Sorry I'm so late.

I had to see Dash
off this morning.

You know, he just hated to go.

I guess that man is just always
going to be in love with me

and there's nothing
I can do about it.

- Here.
- What's that?

Oh, it's some sort of little
thank you note Dash sent.

Read it.

Oh, he started a new novel.

He had this kind of
inspired look in his eye

when he left.

I have a feeling
I'm going to be in it.

Julia, what's it say? Read it.

"Yesterday, in my mind's eye,

"I saw four women
standing on a veranda

"in white, gauzy dresses
and straw-colored hats.

"They were having
a conversation.

"And it was hot.

"Their hankies
tucked in cleavages,

"where eternal
trickles of perspiration

"run from the female breast bone

"to exotic vacation spots

"that Southern men
often dream about.

"They were sweet-smelling,

"coy, cunning, voluptuous,

"voracious,
delicious, pernicious,

"vexing, and sexy.

"These earth
sisters, rebel mothers,

"these arousers and carousers.

"And I was filled with
a longing to join them.

"But like a whim of scarlet,

"they turned suddenly
and went inside,

"shutting me out
with a bolt of a latch.

"And I was left only to pick up

"an abandoned handkerchief
and savor the perfumed shadows

"of these women,
"these Southern women.

"This Suzanne, this Julia,

"this Mary Jo, and Charlene.

"Thanks for the comfort.

Dash Goff, the writer."

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA