Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 5 - Half an Air Bubble Off - full transcript

♪♪

Do you know what time

Anthony's going to be
finished with Mr. Tyson?

Well, there's no telling.

Last time, he and
Mary Jo were out there

for the whole afternoon.

Mr. Tyson loves Anthony.

What's so funny?

I was just thinking
about Anthony

- sitting for that portrait.
- What portrait?

You know Mr. Tyson
wanted to paint his portrait



and made him sit
in that big easy chair

by the window for
about half a day?

Nobody told me about this.

You must have been off.

Anyway, Mr. Tyson wanted
everything to be just right.

You know, the
lighting and everything.

Anthony didn't want to say
anything and offend him,

you know, because
he's such a big customer.

But along about
6:00, Anthony says,

"Mr. Tyson, I think I'm going
to have to be going home soon."

Mr. Tyson kept putting him off.

But finally, after
about six hours,

Anthony gets up and he
walks over to look at the portrait.

And it's nothing but a
stick figure with a top hat on.



I mean, look.

I got it right here in my desk.

Look at this. Hee!

Isn't that incredible?

That's the stupidest
thing I ever saw.

Doesn't look
anything like Anthony.

I know.

He doesn't have a
hat like that, either.

Mr. Tyson can draw all
the stick figures he wants

as long as he keeps
renovating rooms

and giving us the business.

Mary Jo, where is Anthony?
Didn't he come back with you?

No. I had to drive
the van back myself

because Mr. Tyson
decided to come into town

and wanted Anthony to
drive him in his Packard.

I have to tell you, Julia, I
have had it with this man.

He is a major nutcase, and
we should have caught on to that

because the people who
referred him were nuts, too.

Who referred him?

The Roscoe Baileys.

Oh, I know them. They are crazy.

They're always dressing
up like the police.

Mary Jo, I know he's a
handful, but he can't be that bad.

Oh ho ho ho, that's
easy for you to say

because you haven't met him.

But your luck is about to change

because he's coming
here to look at some fabrics

because he didn't like any
of the samples I took him.

Why not? You took all
the new books we have.

There's no rational
explanation for it.

It's the same kind of
stuff he griped about

when I got him those
religious pictures,

and I am tired of
fooling with him.

You mean when you had to
have swimming suits made

for all the nude figures?

I told you, Charlene, they
weren't swimming suits.

They were... They
were little cloth strips.

You can call them
whatever you want, Mary Jo.

They still look like
angels in bikinis.

Well, maybe he is an odd duck,
but it's an enormous account

and we're pretty
tight right now.

And frankly, I just don't think

that we can afford
to offend him.

I don't want to offend him.

I don't even want
to be around him.

And furthermore, I don't
think that "odd duck"

sufficiently covers a person

who wants us to design
a canvas halter top

for the fire hydrant
in front of his house.

He asked you to
do that? That's sick.

Well, I don't think canvas
would look very good. Do you?

And I don't think
that it's ethical

to take money from
somebody who's off the beam

for services that don't
even make sense.

Well, I do.

I think crazy people
have a right to be fleeced

just like everybody else.

Suzanne, Mr. Tyson
is not exactly crazy.

He's probably just
very, very eccentric.

- What's the difference?
- There's a big difference.

It all depends on
where you live.

I mean, if you live in
New York City or L.A.,

you might call yourself
something like Son of Sam

and be a masked murderer.

But if you're an eccentric
in, say, Poplar Bluff, Missouri,

then you'd just have a
name like Nub or Digger,

and ride around
in a little wagon.

My point is that
Mr. Tyson is harmless.

He is of the Nub
and Digger variety.

Fine. Since that's the
way you feel about him,

here's his folder.

He's all yours.

Yoohoo! Anybody home?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Clifton!

I can't believe it.

Mr. Tyson and Mrs.
Clifton in the same day.

There must be a full moon.

Come on, let me take your coat.

All right, dear.

So long as you
promise to give it back.

Well, I just got the
most exciting news.

I had to come right over.

Maybe you all had better
come over here and sit down.

I mean, this is big.

It's Mother.

She's met someone in
Europe. They're getting married.

No, but I do wish she'd
hurry up and come back home.

Everything is just dead.

All I do is sit in front
of the television set.

And since it's broken,
there's no picture, so...

so now I can see
myself on every channel.

But, just as a lark,
this morning I went

to a senior citizens meeting
at the community center,

and that's where it happened.

What happened?

I was nominated to
represent our complex

in the Mrs. Senior
Citizen Beauty Contest.

- Isn't that something!
- Mrs. Clifton,
that's wonderful!

Please, call me Bernice.

Anyway, I was hoping
that maybe Suzanne

would be my coach.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I would just love
to, but, you see,

I'm busy planning this
fundraiser here for the symphony

and, well, maybe I
could take a rain check.

Suzanne, could I speak to
you over here just a minute?

What for?

I want to show you something

in the refrigerator.

Show her that stuff
with the fur on it.

It's hers.

Suzanne, I cannot
believe you can't find time

to help Mrs. Clifton.

It's not just the
time, Julia, it's...

Well, she drives me crazy.

I mean, she's calling
me up every night as it is.

- She does?
- Well, yeah.

Doesn't she call you?

No.

What does she want?

It's just goofy stuff.

You know, like, don't I think
that dance Bill Cosby does

right before his show
starts is just a little bit silly?

Well, I don't care.

Mother would be appalled
if we don't help her.

Oh, all right.

I don't know where you get
this "we" stuff from, though.

I'm the one who
has to put up with it.

Well, Bernice, it looks like

there's been a change
in my schedule and...

I'll be able to help
you out after all.

And I would love to do
your hair and make-up.

That's swell

because I do want to beat
that Olita Daniels so bad.

She's Miss Lucy
Lee Retirement Villas

and she's always
putting me down.

Like today, when everyone was
deciding what to do for their talent,

Olita spoke up and
said that for my talent

maybe I could say something
that made sense for a change.

What is your talent?

Eating fire.

Hey, Miss Clifton.
How's it going?

Just wonderful, Anthony.

I promise I'll make
you all very proud.

- Good-bye.
- Bye, Bernice.

- Who's the fox?
- That's Bernice Clifton.

She's a friend of the
Sugarbaker family.

Oh. I like her swagger.

Uh-huh.

Sorry we're late.

We would have been here sooner,

but Mr. Tyson wanted
to take the Packard

through the drive-thru
carwash a couple of times.

And then we had to
have our picture made

with everybody who worked there.

Why?

Mr. Tyson, let me introduce you.

This is Charlene Frazier,
our office manager.

- How do you do?
- How do you do, young lady?

And this is Suzanne Sugarbaker.

- Hello.
- Sugarbaker, Sugarbaker...

Haven't I heard that
name somewhere before?

Mr. Tyson, that's the
name of our business.

Oh, of course! Yes.

Thank you, Anthony.

Here is a candlestick,
a rope, and a revolver

from my personal game of Clue.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Tyson.

What are those for?

Mr. Tyson, this is
Julia Sugarbaker.

It's so nice to
finally meet you.

And I am equally titillated.

Mr. Tyson, I was
just telling Julia

that you would want to see some
fabrics for the sofa in your den.

Yes, that's right. I
want to see some prints.

Some prints that have
a lot of activity on them,

as long as it's not sexual.

Well, of course.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't think it's
anybody else's business

what people do.

But not on my fabric.

Well, Julia,

I guess you'll be
taking it from here.

Now that we've dispensed
with the formalities,

how would you like to be my gal?

You're talking about
aluminum foil on the walls.

That's right.

Because I think that lightning

is getting ready to strike
the TV in my den, again.

I can always tell.

The servants get bloodshot eyes

and the hair on their
arms starts to stand up.

Mr. Tyson, if you truly want
aluminum foil on your walls,

I don't think we can help you.

Okay. Then you...
You just pick out

something that you
like, Mrs. Sugarbaker.

Or... may I call you Julia?

That would be fine.

How about... sugar?

One step too far.

Hard to get, huh? Hah!

You know that song...
My maid used to sing it...

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Ta dada da da ♪

♪ Oh, honey, honey ♪

♪ Da dada da da ♪

♪ Pour a little sugar
on me, honey ♪

♪ Pour a little sugar
on me, baby... ♪

Would you excuse
me for just a minute?

I'll be right back.

Mary Jo, did Mr. Tyson
ever come on to you?

What do you mean?

You know, act like he
was falling in love with you.

No.

But we did play tag
a couple of times.

- Why?
- Nothing... He's just so strange.

Kind of a combination
of rude and maniac.

Well, that's probably just
his way of being sociable.

You know, I think
I'm starting to fall

a little in love with you.

Well, aren't you charming?

And now, Mrs. Shively
will be taking over again.

- I will?
- Yes.

I'm going in for that surgery,

to be followed by a
long recuperative period.

Wonderful!

We'll go for long
rides in the country.

- Anthony!
- Right here, sir.

Onward! Onward and upward!

Yes, sir, ladies.

I'll soon be a
sight for sore eyes.

Me in my big, white Packard,

and my beautiful
sugar out for a ride.

I didn't know beauty,
I didn't know pride

till my beautiful sugar
sat next to my side.

In my big, white
Packard, out for a...

- Did I say that part already?
- Yes, sir, I believe you did.

Thank you, Anthony.

I want to give you something.

This is the identification
card that came with my wallet.

Well, ladies, until some
happy destiny reunites us,

I must bid you adieu.

Ditto.

You're right.

He's not Nub or Digger.

He's nuts.

I can't believe this letter
Mr. Tyson wrote you.

Listen.

"Even the gates of
Tara cannot keep me

from walking up the
stairway of your heart."

Yes, well, I've had just about
all I can take of Lamar Tyson.

What does that mean?
Are we going to quit?

No, we can't quit. How can we?

He's the biggest
account we have.

On the other hand,
Charlene, I am sitting here,

trying to design a glass
case to display his wardrobe.

It's just odd.

I mean, it makes
me feel odd doing it.

I know what you mean.

I had a neighbor once who
wouldn't touch doorknobs.

I used to have to
shut him in at night

and let him out in the morning.

I found out later he didn't
mind touching doorknobs at all.

He just wanted
everybody in the building

to think we were
sleeping together.

Mary Jo, where have you been?

I tried to call you over
at Joanne Cannon's.

I had to run my carpool.

I had to pick up
Quint at school.

Oh, I forgot. Well,
it wasn't important.

Julia was looking for
some measurements.

Oh, the Tyson dog house?

Yes. The upstairs.

Right here.

Then I had to take Quinton

and four of his little
girlfriends to a birthday party.

- Four girlfriends?
- What can I tell you?

My son's a rounder.

But, you know,
these little girls

aren't like what we were
when we were that age.

They're so sophisticated.

I mean, here I am,
driving down the road

with a carful of first-graders
lip-syncing every word

to Whitney Houston's
"Didn't We Almost Have It All?"

I mean, it was spooky.

That reminds me,
Bernice is coming by later

to demonstrate her
fire-eating routine.

Y'all ever feel like we're
playing fast and loose

with our sanity?

Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Bernice.
- Hi, Bernice.

I hope you're not busy.

I just got some terrible news.

What happened?

We all had to take physicals
with the pageant doctor,

and now he's not
going to let me eat fire.

Why not?

He's worried about some
kind of denture explosion.

♪♪

Well, Bernice, no kidding?

Were you actually
going to eat fire?

I sure was.

I've got an uncle who
was with the circus.

What are you going to
do for your talent now?

I don't know.

Of course, Olita Daniels
is just crowing about it.

Hmm. I was hoping that
Suzanne would help me,

but she hasn't
returned any of my calls.

Charlene, I was hoping that
maybe we could do a trial run

with the hair and the make-up.

Oh, Bernice, I can't.

I'm taking a class
in real estate today.

Well, maybe Julia and Mary Jo
would like to take me shopping.

Bernice, I have a hair
appointment myself.

And I have to pick up
my kids at a birthday party.

Oh, well, hey. That's okay.

- Maybe tomorrow.
- Tomorrow would be great.

- Suzanne will be here about 2.
- Oh, good.

You know, it's so much easier

since I taught
myself how to drive.

Bernice, you be
careful out there.

Don't you worry about me.

When I'm sitting on that pillow,

I'm king of the road.

But, you know, since
I've been driving,

- I found out something.
- What's that?

You can only get the
bird so many times

before it starts to
hurt your feelings.

Bye, Bernice.

Sugarbaker's.

Well, yes. Hi, Mr. Tyson.

Yes, she's right here.

♪♪

Mary Jo.

- I can't stop.
- Hello, Mr. Tyson.

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry.

Lightning struck the
TV in your den again.

I'm sorry, but it's not as
if you weren't expecting it.

I mean, it didn't... it didn't
come as a total shock.

So now you're seeing
yourself on every channel?

That is very interesting.

Mr. Tyson, what are you doing
tomorrow afternoon about 2:00?

I was just thinking you
might like to stop over here.

Wonderful. We'll see you then.

I think it's high time
Mr. Tyson fell in love

with somebody else.

♪♪

What do you all
think about this one?

- Hmm.
- Wow, that's pretty.

Suzanne, I hate to bother you,

but could you show me the walk

for modeling my evening
gown just one more time.

Oh, all right, but try to
remember it this time.

- Okay, Bernice?
- Okay.

All right.

Now, the main thing is...

you have to emote
as you're walking.

You turn, you swirl,

you go from side to side,

big smile all the time.

Oh, and not too big because
you're also concerned

about all the
sadness in the world.

Then, as you're leaving,
you give them one of these.

This just says, "I'm me,
and I'm enjoying myself."

- Okay?
- All right.

I think I've got it.

I turn, I swirl, I go
from side to side.

I'm me. I'm enjoying myself.

Very stimulating!

I'm running for
Mrs. Senior Citizen.

Well, my dear, you
certainly have my vote.

Lamar Tyson, gentleman gardener,

word smith, and
former television viewer.

Mr. Tyson, this
is Bernice Clifton.

Yes, I know. I just
kissed her hand.

She's a very
dear friend of ours.

Well, in that case,
I'll kiss the other one.

The pageant's this Saturday
night if you'd like to come.

Boy, would I!

Bernice... did you
say this Saturday?

Oh, yes. I thought I told you.

We thought you meant next week.

I mean, I have
that class till 8.

I'm not going to be able to
do your hair and make-up.

Well, that's okay.

And Claudia has
a piano recital, so...

Well, I'll be a little late.

And Suzanne and I have
a dinner engagement.

I guess we're all
going to be late.

Well, I'll be on time.
And I'll bring my camera.

Afterwards, we can
have a midnight picnic

under a billboard.

We'll see.

And now, Mrs. Tudy Hensen

from the Peaceful
Vale Nursing Home.

Tudy is attractive

and enjoys lawn
bowling and toe painting.

Mary Jo, did we miss the talent?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- How was Bernice?
- Fine.

Basically, she slapped her
jaws to the tune of "Dixie."

How are you, sugar.

I hope you're not
upset by my new liaison.

Oh, no, no. These things happen.

No hard feelings.

And next, we have
Miss Bernice Clifton

of Hillcrest Leisureland.

Va va vavoom!

Bernice lives alone.

Her hobby is driving and
updating a childhood diary.

I turn, I swirl, I move
from side to side.

I'm smiling.

But I'm also concerned
about all the sadness

in the world.

I'm me and I'm
enjoying myself, okay?

Describe your life's
philosophy in one minute or less.

Well, I suppose as I find myself

water skiing down the
great highway of life,

one thing occurs to me...

There's a lot of
traffic out there.

And believe you me, getting
old is no walk in the park.

But as I get old,

I find that friends and family
are very important to me.

I have some people here
tonight who count as both.

I never had a
daughter of my own.

Always wanted one.

But who could have
guessed that in my old age

God could give me four.

Count them.

And on top of that,
they're all beautiful

and talented and dear,

and they make me feel very rich.

So, if you can get old
and as rich as I am tonight,

you've had a good life.

Thank you very much.

And the first runner up
for Mrs. Senior Citizen,

from the Lucy Lee
Retirement Villas,

Mrs. Olita Daniels.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the winner of the Mrs.
Senior Citizen contest, 1987,

from Hillcrest Leisureland,
Mrs. Bernice Clifton!

Yay, Bernice!

I turn, I swirl, I go
from side to side.

- Be careful.
- Congratulations.

That was nice, but
I think we should

work on that walk some more.

Bernice, we're so happy for you.

Thank you, dear.

But I think a little
ashamed, too.

I don't believe we deserved
all those nice things

you said about us.

It's true, Bernice.

We got all tied up
with our own little lives

and we didn't realize how
much this meant to you.

That was awfully sweet about
being your four daughters.

Yes, Lamar told me to say it.

He thought that would
put me over the top.

Well, how about if we treat
you to a congratulatory dinner?

No, thanks. I have a date.

Pull the Packard
around to the door.

Would you, hon? I don't
want to drag my dress.

Boy, would I?

I said it before
and I say it again.

Va va vavoom!

You know, he's awfully
nice, but sometimes I think

he might be just a
little off the beam.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA