Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 18 - High Rollers - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Julia] Charlene isn't in yet?

I guess she's going
to be late again.

Probably couldn't
get in the bathroom.

You know, I feel
kind of sorry for her

since Suzanne moved in.

Did you know that Suzanne

spends an hour every
morning putting on her make-up,

and then goes back to
bed and sleeps till noon?

You don't have to tell
me about Suzanne.

I'm her sister, remember?



I lived with her for many years,

and she was in the
bathroom for most of them.

Charlene told me yesterday

that Suzanne takes up
the whole bed at night.

Charlene kind of clings
to the side of the mattress,

not to mention that she
has yet to wash a dish

after her nightly pie
and cake festivals.

That's why she didn't
want to stay with me.

She knew I wouldn't
let her get away with it.

Suzanne doesn't
mean to be selfish.

She just doesn't think.

Why, I've seen her
stretch out on airplanes.

Actually lie across people.

Or put her purse on top of them.



I do feel kind of sorry
for her, too, though.

Losing your life
savings is pretty tough.

Having to lease out her
house is the tough part.

I think she could
deal with everything

if it just wasn't for that.

That's something
you cannot hide.

Everybody knows about it.

I can tell it's just
killing her pride.

I know.

And Phyllis
Stonecipher stopped by.

That's all we needed.

You were at the bank
yesterday when she was in here

just gloating over
Suzanne's financial troubles.

She was grinning so big,

I thought she was
going to tip over.

It has been my experience
that there are three things

people love to hear about you.

Number one, that
you have become sick.

Number two, divorced.
Number three, poor.

Or any combination thereof.

And God forbid that
you should tell them

someone who has got
cancer is getting well,

or that someone who is
bankrupt is going to recover.

It just ruins their whole week.

[Julia] Charlene,
I cannot believe

that you're not making
Suzanne wash her own dishes.

When it comes to chores,
Suzanne is just a child.

You have to force her.

Come on, have you ever seen
her try to load a dishwasher?

She puts all the glasses
and all the silverware

in a big pan,
and sets it inside.

I don't mean to
talk bad about her

because I love her,
but... she's a mess!

She's so disorganized.

Every night she spends
about three hours on the phone

while she gives herself
these beauty treatments.

And they're not just
ordinary beauty treatments,

they have to be refrigerated
because they're made

from the placentas
of sheep or something.

I should know

because I accidentally
had some for breakfast.

Anyway, it's movies
for the rest of the night

while she stuffs her
face with discount caviar,

baby food, frozen
pies and cakes,

which she keeps scattered
all over the apartment.

I was going to
have a talk with her,

but I didn't want to do it
before her job interview today.

Job interview?

Yeah. It's a surprise.

I'm not supposed
to talk about it,

but it's one of
those part-time deals

where you give demonstrations
in people's homes.

- Suzanne is going to do this?
- She wants to.

She likes the idea of working
out of homes, you know,

with a product that appeals
to lower to middle-classes.

So that way, her
friends won't find out

she's had to take a job.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to give Consuela a
ride to the meat-packing plant

on my way in.

Did she sit next to
you in the truck again?

Yeah, she always
sits next to me.

She's in my apartment
night and day.

See, this is the thanks I
get for trying to be a nice guy

because Suzanne's
maid was out on the street

and needed a place to stay.

It never occurred
to me just because

there was a vacancy
in my apartment building

I'd be taking this
woman to raise.

I mean, last night,

I'm watching TV, I look up,

and she has got her face
pressed to my picture window,

staring at me.

- You kidding?
- No, I'm not.

It was weird.

See, she was giving
herself a permanent,

still had those
little rollers in.

And her face wasn't
just pressed to the glass,

it was mashed.

You know, her nose was flat,

lips were spread all
over the windowpane.

It was ugly. Whoo!

I about jumped out of my skin.

I hate to say I told you
so, but as I remember,

I was the lone voice who
said this will not be a good thing

for Consuela to move
into the Anthony's building.

We're talking about a woman

who picks stinkweed
by the highway,

who keeps voodoo
dolls under her pillow

and slaughters live
animals in the kitchen.

Well, you were right.

I'll tell you
something else, too.

She's got that little crack
right here between her teeth

that makes kind
of a hissing noise.

Sometimes you
have your back to her

and she'll hiss at you.

You turn around real fast

and she'll act like
she didn't do it.

I'm telling you, it
is a real bad noise.

One thing that you never
want to do is get her tickled.

Even something that's
just a little bit funny

or something that a normal person
would smile ever so slightly about,

she throws herself on the floor,

starts rolling around and
laughing like Frankenstein.

You know, like that.

That is bad, Anthony.

That'd take the
hair off a sweater.

Anthony, how come you
haven't told us about this before?

Hey, man, I don't
even like to talk about it.

She even wrote "I love
you" in shaving cream

on my garage door.

It's always something that's
just completely inappropriate.

Oh, yeah. By the way,

I don't think she was too
happy living with Suzanne, either.

He said on her application
under "Last address"

she wrote "The bowels of hell."

Can somebody get
the door for me, please?

Suzanne, does this
mean you got the job?

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, well, that's great!

Suzanne, congratulations!

Charlene, it's not
like this is something

I want to be doing, okay?

I mean, it's not exactly
a dream come true.

It's just something I have to do

to help pay off the IRS.

The sooner I pay them off,

the sooner I can
get my house back,

and the sooner we'll
all be happy, right?

Right. But I don't want you to
have to do anything you hate.

Charlene, it'll only
be for a short while.

You know, like having sex
with someone you don't like

but for some strange
reason married.

Suzanne, what is all this stuff?

It's lingerie, Julia.

I am now an official distributor
for Naughty Lady Lingerie,

which means I'll be
coming to your home

to display our new spring line

for you and 10 to 15 of
your closest women friends.

You won't be coming to my home.

These are just samples.

What kind of lingerie is this?

Tacky lingerie, okay?

It's tacky and
tasteless, but I can do it

three nights a week and
make $500 commission.

Oh, my gosh!

This is that bra you see in
movie magazines all the time.

I used to think to myself,

"Now, who would want a
bra with two cut-outs up front?"

I mean, it's just so dumb!

I'd be afraid that
the man would say,

"Hey, honey, did you
know that your brassiere

has two big holes in it?"

And what, may I ask, is this?

Oh, that. Uh...

That's just edible underwear.

What? What did you call it?

Edible underwear.

What'd she say?

Edible underwear.

You have got to be kidding.

I told you it was tacky.

I certainly wouldn't
wear it myself.

Now that is dumb.

It's not even practical.

Who would go out
and spend good money

on brand-new underwear

and then just end up
having a loved one eat it?

I don't get that.

Who thinks up this stuff?

Can you imagine the
factory where they make this?

That there is actually a person
out there who... who works

as an underwear taster
on an assembly line?

What would you
tell your children?

Look, those are just
the novelty items.

I mean, most of this stuff
is just silk, satin, and lace.

Anyway, it doesn't
taste all that bad.

You actually ate some?

Well, I had to.

For the introductory
training session.

So I can speak more
knowledgably about my product.

- What's it taste like?
- Charlene!

I'm curious.

Cotton candy.

So it's come to this, has it?

First you were going to marry

a 150-year-old
man for his money,

and then you spend
a couple of weeks

sitting around
here, scratching off

Missouri lottery tickets
that Charlene got for you,

and now we're down to
eating underwear at parties.

Is that it?

Yep. Well, I guess
that's pretty much it.

- Just...
- What are you doing?

Nothing. You just have
a little piece of underwear

on your mouth there.

[Suzanne] You
know what kills me?

Is how people
feel perfectly free

to say anything they like to me.

Like today, after work,

I went by the country
club to clean out my locker.

Aurafern Fauch
and Tiffany Baldwin

come prancing by in
their little tennis dresses.

And they just walked right up,

had the nerve to tell me
I look like I put on weight.

Well, I know I put
on some weight!

I always do when I'm unhappy.

I don't need Aurafern
Fauch and Tiffany Baldwin

to tell me about it.

It's just incredible how
they have the nerve.

They just come right
up to you and say,

"Hey, Suzanne, how's
that diet coming along, huh?

You been laying off
those cakes and pies?"

What I want to know
is how would they like it

if I did that to them?

How about if I just yelled
across a golf course

to Aurafern's husband Frank?

"Hey, Frank, how's
that impotence problem?

You still thinking about
getting that implant?"

Suzanne!

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm just sick and tired of it.

All the people getting in
my business all the time.

You got anything else to eat?

No.

Just some sheep placenta

and a couple boxes of underwear.

You hate me,
Charlene, don't you?

I don't blame you.

I'm just selfish and
poor and incompetent.

No, you're not.

Anyway, you're not incompetent.

I know you're sick
of having me here,

but I just don't know where
else to go or what to do.

I'm just about run out of steam.

All right, I think it's
time I told you this story

I've been saving up.

It's about this man I met
when I was a secretary

in Little Rock, Arkansas.

His name was Fred Smith.

And he had this
dream about a new way

of moving freight
around the country.

And he believed in
that dream so much

that he sunk
everything he had into it.

But it still wasn't enough.

And on the eve of his
company's collapse,

with the payroll due
the next morning,

Fred boarded an old cargo
plane with $200 in his pocket...

All he had in the world...
And he flew to Las Vegas.

And that night, he turned
that $200 into $35,000,

enough to keep
his company afloat.

And that was the beginning
of Federal Express.

- Suzanne.
- What?

You listening to me?

Yes, I'm listening.

And you just gave
me the greatest idea

I think I've ever had.

Oh, Charlene, I
could just kiss you.

I don't know why I
didn't think of it before.

What?

Atlantic City!

I've been there
about a million times

for pageants and stuff
in all those casinos.

How could I have been so stupid?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
I still have $4,500.

We can go to Atlantic
City and be back

before the store opens
tomorrow morning.

I'll buy the tickets
and everything.

- Nobody has to know
a thing about it.
- Are you crazy?

Do you know what the chances
are of something like that?

Yeah, I know.

But you told me that Fred
What's-His-Name did it.

But... But that was
one chance in a million.

Besides, we don't know
anything about gambling.

I know that.

But we know someone who does.

[Charlene] I can't believe
I'm here. It's like a bad dream.

One minute, I'm lying in my own
bedroom, minding my own business,

the next, I'm in Atlantic
City shooting C-R-A-P-S.

Charlene, this is not
craps, this is roulette.

And as for bad
dreams, I'm the one

who was snatched from my
bed in the middle of the night.

Come on, 7, 7, 7!

Luck be a lady tonight!

- [ball clattering]
- Red 7. Pay 7.

Look at that. She won!

That is just a fluke.

Believe me, we are
in way over our heads.

We are three dead
sheep about to be fleeced.

I think I can hear the
electric razors gearing up.

I'm using 7 because
that's my dog's birthday.

7, 7.

I have a little Shih Tzu.

Okay. I'm going
to let that ride.

[sighs]

♪ Consuela, Consuela, bobana ♪

♪ Banana fanna fofana ♪

♪ Mi my mo mana ♪

Consuela!

7 red again.

- Pay 7.
- I don't believe it!

She won again!

Hey, um, what's
that you're singing?

It's an old Haitian
good luck chant.

- My maid taught it to me.
- Oh, yeah?

It sounds like that song
"The Name Game" to me.

I wouldn't know about that.

I just know that
she taught it to me.

It's "The Name Game."

You know, you don't
have to call out the number

if you don't want to.

Oh, that's okay. I like to.

And I'd also like
a martini, please,

for me and my friends here.

I'm the croupier,
not the waiter.

The waiter is over there.

Oh, thank you.

- Are you letting that stand?
- Yes, I am.

- Is that all right?
- Who's he?

The pit boss.

Oh. Okay.

Yes, I'm going to let that stand

and I'm going to add
a whole bunch more.

Would you care to play, sir?

Oh, oh, no. He's
my gambling advisor.

And this is one of my
oldest and dearest friends

in the whole wide world.

- This is Charlene Frazier.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Charlene's from
Poplar Bluff, Missouri.

- Are you finished?
- Yes.

Oh, no. Wait a second.

[clears throat]

♪ Consuela, Consuela, bobana ♪

♪ Banana fanna fofana ♪

♪ Mi my mo mana ♪

Consuela! Okay.

- [no audible dialogue]
- [ball rattling]

And we have a 7 again.

[all squealing]

For the lady and
her little Shih Tzu.

Oh, Mr. Pit Bull, look at that!

I won again.

[phone ringing]

- Hello.
- Hello, Julia?

It's Charlene.

I'm just calling you to tell you

that I'm with Anthony
and Suzanne,

and we're running a little late.

Where are you?

Atlantic City.

I see.

Now, I know it sounds
kind of stupid, but...

Yes, it does.

Are you suggesting it
won't sound stupid later on?

Uh, Anthony, you
want to talk to Julia?

No, thank you.

Just tell her I was
taken against my will.

Well, where are they?

Atlantic City.

Oh, of course. It's so obvious.

Why didn't I think of that?

Julia, you see, we
couldn't let Suzanne

come up here all by herself.

At one point she was up 19,000.

How much does she have left now?

$1,100.

It's not a total loss.

That'll pay for
our plane tickets.

And guess what.

This guy I met who
works in the kitchen,

he's going to give me a
plate that Elvis Presley

actually ate off of.

Hasn't even been washed yet.

Nice chatting
with you, Charlene.

We worker bees always
enjoy hearing from you drones.

Right. Bye.

What did she say?

She said it was
nice chatting with me.

Uh-oh, I don't like
the sound of that.

Suzanne, if we're
going to make that plane,

we're going to have to go now.

I'm not going.

What do you mean
you're not going?

Why should I?

I'll just be admitting
another failure.

I'd rather stand
and die right here.

Oh, no, Suzanne,
it's not a failure.

It would've been a
fluke if you had won.

That's right.

And it just proves the old adage

"You can't get
something for nothing."

Well, then, nothing is what
I intend to go home with.

I'm not leaving this casino

until I've spent my last nickel.

[sighs] I am ready now to put

everything I have left in
the world on number 5.

Everything on number 5.

Is that all right with
you, Mr. Pit Bull?

Suzanne, this is crazy.

Those are our
plane tickets home.

Come on, 5, 5, 5.

You don't want to do
your little song first?

[gasps] Oh!

Oh, yes. I forgot.

I'm so sorry. Okay.

[clears throat]

♪ Consuela, Consuela, bobana ♪

♪ Banana fanna fofana ♪

♪ Mi my mo mana ♪

Consuela!

And we have a 5 red.

- Pay the winner.
- [squealing]

All right!

Now we're back in business.

You know what gets
me is how some of us

will always be the
parents of the world

and others will
always be the children.

Now, you and I are the parents.

We just go along with
the great dustpan of life

just cleaning up
after everybody else.

Now, Suzanne is a child.

Charlene and Anthony
are somewhere in between.

But when they're with
Suzanne, they're children, too.

So what's your point?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just tired of
being so mature all the time.

You know, the one who never
does anything silly or impulsive.

Notice they didn't call us
in the middle of the night

to go to Atlantic City.

That's because they
knew we wouldn't go.

That's my point.

We're... We're so
sensible, so good.

Sometimes I'd just like to
do something real... bad.

- Like what?
- I don't know.

Maybe we could tear
up a bunch of paper

and throw it on the floor.

- We'd just clean it up.
- Yeah, you're probably right.

[Julia sighs]

I know what you mean, though.

Maybe we should
change our image.

In fact, when they do get back,

I'm not going to say
one word to Suzanne

about losing all that money.

I'm tired of being
the long-suffering,

responsible big sister.

Good for you.

You know what I
think we ought to do?

I think we ought to just
take off the rest of the day,

do something just for ourselves.

Well, okay.

Well, okay. Let's just do it.

You know what I'd love to do?

- What?
- Go fishing.

You're kidding.
Do you like to fish?

I'm just crazy about it.

And our granddaddy's got a
farm about 30 miles out of town.

It's got a big johnboat
and a pond full of catfish.

Oh, I used to go fishing
with my dad all the time.

I've never liked a woman who
refused to bait her own hook.

Wouldn't it be great
if we just got in the car

and just drove out
there right now?

Oh, gee, wouldn't that be fun.

Yeah, we can make
some sandwiches

and we can take some blankets.

What's the matter?

I can't go.

I got to go into J & C Boz
and measure for carpets.

Well... Well, that's all right.

I'll be working on
these invoices anyway.

[sighs]

It was a nice thought,
though, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Y'all still speaking to us?

Well, of course
we're still speaking.

I mean, what do you think?

We'd be mad just
because you took the day off

and flew to New
Jersey without telling us?

It was for a good
cause... Gambling.

Julia, I'm real sorry.

I'll make up the
time this weekend.

Nonsense.

We didn't even
notice you were gone.

As for you, Suzanne,

not going to say
"I told you so."

I'm sure you've been
punished enough.

I do hope you'll
remember in the future

that hard work reaps
its own rewards.

I'm sorry. That
just slipped out.

I won!

What are you talking about?

She won! Can you believe it?

From 1,100 to 39,000
in two and a half hours.

It was incredible.

$39,000?

I wish y'all
could've been there.

Everybody in the casino
started applauding.

Yeah, but that was
just because we left.

I'm rich. I'm rich.

Now I can make my first
big payment to the IRS

and get my home back again.

And I'll even have
enough left over

to pay country club dues,

and, ooh, get a
whole bunch of facials.

And don't forget
about your maid.

You'll be wanting
to take her with you.

She's been pining for you.

Oh, I couldn't forget Consuela.

She's the one who brought
me all the good luck, you know.

Oh, I just feel so good.

I want to take y'all
out and celebrate.

But first, I want to
get down to the bank

and make this deposit.

So come on, Julia.

Why don't you
close up the store?

I'm sorry, Suzanne. We can't.

Oh, come on. This is
a special celebration.

We'll make up for it tomorrow.

No, really, we can't.

I got to measure carpets
and Julia's got invoices.

But you kids go on. The
day's almost shot anyway.

- You sure you don't mind?
- Mind?

We insist. Go on.

And Suzanne, I want you to know

that I'm very,
very happy for you.

Not proud, but happy.

- Thank you.
- Mwah.

And here's some money for you.

What's that for?

For being my big sister.

Because I love you.

And also, I'd like
to share with you all

two very important lessons
that I learned from all this.

Well, good. What are they?

Number one, you can
get something for nothing.

And number two,
gambling does pay.

I think it's wonderful
that none of this

has affected your
sense of values.

No, it hasn't.

Okay, let's do "Consuela."

[All] ♪ Consuela,
Consuela, bobana ♪

♪ Banana fanna fofana ♪

♪ Mi my mo mana ♪

Consuela!

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I'll just be turning
out the lights.

I'll write the sign.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA