Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Incredibly Elite Bona Fide Blue-Blood Beaumont Driving Club - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Julia] Charlene, do
you have the invoice

on that sofa... Charlene?

Hmm? I'm sorry.

I was thinking about
something else.

- Yes, it's on your desk.
- Thank you.

Want to know what I
was thinking about?

No, that's okay. You
don't have to tell me.

I don't mind.

I was thinking about
the Newlywed Game.

You know how lots of
times they have people on



who are real sickening?

Last night it was like

the Olympics for
repulsive couples.

All the husbands said their
wives snore with their mouths open

and two of them
drool in their sleep.

Can you imagine if the
man you were married to

went on television
and told all of America

you drool in your sleep?

I really don't want to
hear about this, okay?

Just making conversation.

Yes, and you were just
making conversation yesterday,

weren't you?

When you talked for
an hour and 45 minutes

about whether or
not old movies stars



should be doing commercials
for bladder control.

Sorry about the time.

We were halfway to
school when Quint realized

that he had forgotten
his metal detector

for show and tell.

Metal detector?

Yeah. Ted got him
one for Christmas.

He thought that Quint might
enjoy looking for change

under the bleachers
at football games.

He's only seven.

Isn't seven a little
young to be prospecting?

I think so, but Ted
thinks it's great.

He's just teaching him to
be as materialistic as he is.

Mary Jo, all kids go
through that stage.

For some reason, money just
takes on a special significance

when you have to
put it in a little bank

on top of your dresser.

A little bank? Are you kidding?

Quinton's got savings
bonds and stock certificates

that Ted's giving him.

I'm the one with the piggy bank.

Actually, it's not
a pig. It's Garfield.

It's the real big one, though.

You can really get a whole
lot of silver dollars in there.

But, you know, I don't find
them nearly as easy as I...

- What?
- Nothing.

I was just wondering how
Charlene got possession

of your brain.

You all are never
going to believe

what happened to me
at the vet's this morning.

Did you have that pig with you?

Yes.

Then my guess is you
were asked to leave.

Suzanne, I just cannot believe

that you keep driving around in
Atlanta in a Mercedes convertible

with that big pig
up next to you.

Well, Julia, I didn't
ask Consuela's family

to give her to me for Christmas,

but I'm not about to
have her slaughtered.

Now I'm genuinely fond of her,

so that's all I want
to hear about it, okay?

Y'all mind if I give
her this peanut brittle?

Actually, I was going to
have that for breakfast.

Oh, well, then I won't.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's all right, really.

For some reason I
don't like to eat stuff

after an animal has licked it.

Suzanne, you
shouldn't give a pet

fattening food like that.

That'll shorten
their life expectancy.

I know, Charlene,

but I don't think
that applies to Noel.

Pigs don't live very long,

so that's why I like to give her

all the material
pleasures I can.

You really relate
to her, don't you?

What do you mean?

You're sort of like that.

You know how you want
everything right now?

I bet you think of yourself
as a big pig here on earth

only for a short
time, don't you?

No, I don't.

I'm sorry. It was
just a thought.

Anyway, as I was
saying, there I was,

sitting in the waiting
room at the vet's

waiting for Noel to get her shot

when in walks Bitty
Stonecipher with her cockapoo.

Who's Bitty Stonecipher?

This big snob I know.

We started talking,

and she said she's
been meaning to call me

to see if we...
Meaning me and Julia...

Would be interested in
applying for membership

at The Incredibly Elite
Bona Fide Blue-Blood

Beaumont Driving Club.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Nice?

You got to be kidding, Charlene.

It's more than nice.

Okay. Isn't that more than nice?

Do you know what the
Beaumont Driving Club is?

Yes, Suzanne. We know.

It's the oldest, most
exclusive club in Atlanta.

We might not get out much,

but we do have
a guide to the city.

How exclusive can
a driving club be?

Everybody drives.

Charlene, it has
nothing to do with driving.

It's just a holdover

from the old horse
and buggy days, okay?

When she asked
me, I just about died.

Right at that exact
moment, they bring Noel out.

I mean, I love Noel,

but I don't exactly
want Bitty Stonecipher

knowing I have a pig
for a pet, you know?

So I just said, "Well, I'm sorry.
There must be some mistake.

I mean, my dog is fat, but
she's certainly not a pig."

- Very clever.
- I thought so.

But you should have seen
the look Noel gave me.

I mean, it was like...

"I cannot believe that
you are standing there,

acting like you
don't even know me."

Like that.

Well, it's a darling story.

Is that it?

Julia, aren't you even
a little bit excited?

Usually, you have to be
born or marry into Beaumont.

But since a lot of the
older members have died,

well, Bitty and Cissy
Davis and Muffin Fahrenholt

have agreed to sponsor us.

- Can you believe it?
- No, I can't.

And I'm not interested, either.

Julia, now, how
can you say that?

Don't you remember
how we loved it

when Mother used
to take us there?

[Mary Jo] Oh, so
your mother belonged.

No, but two of her husbands did.

You see, when there's a divorce,

the wife loses her membership.

That doesn't seem very fair.

That's the kind of club it is.

They're still in the Dark Ages.

No Jews, no blacks.

Now, they don't say "no blacks."

They don't have to.

They have lawn
jockeys on their patio.

Julia, why do you always
have to be this way?

It'll take ten minutes
to fill out the application.

Suzanne, I am not
filling out any application.

That's okay. You don't have to.

I'll fill it out for you.

It has to be you, too.

- They made that very plain.
- [groans]

Anthony, thank
goodness you're here.

Listen, did you get my
money back on that Dior suit?

No, I did not. They
gave you a credit.

A credit?

I told you I don't
want a credit.

I need cash.

Otherwise, I wouldn't
have been shopping

at Designer
Markdowns to begin with.

Suzanne, they said they
don't give cash refunds.

I don't care what they said.

Now, you march
right back down there

and you tell them
I need that money

for milk for my babies.

Okay, but why do
I have to march?

Suzanne, milk money for babies?

Isn't that kind of tacky?

Oh, okay. Tell them...

Tell them I have to buy
jewelry for my children.

Suzanne, forgive me,
but it is a big warehouse,

and I find Vinny at the
return desk rather impersonal.

I just don't think
he's going to care.

Anthony, don't argue with me.

I need that money
now for a new ball gown.

A new ball gown?

Who's having a ball?

You know, The
Beaumont Driving Club.

They always have that
big Valentine's cotillion.

And, Anthony, take
Noel home, would you?

I think she's getting tired.

Oh, sure.

You want me to
escort your pig home?

I'd be happy to.

Is there anything else?

- Like what?
- Oh, I don't know.

Perhaps you'd care to hear
something on the harmonica?

Julia and I are just so honored

that you all could find the time

to come over here today.

We're the new
membership committee.

That's our job.

Excuse me, Buffy... It's Muffy.

I know that that's a
clichéd rich person's name,

but in my case it's valid.

My grandmother was a
Muffin, my mother was a Muffin,

and I'm a Muffin, too.

Huh.

Well, I, for one,
just want to say

that I think Suzanne
and Julia Sugarbaker

are two of the most interesting,
vital women in Atlanta

and just the sort of
people we're looking for

to bring new blood
into Beaumont.

Actually, see, I'm just sitting
in here at Suzanne's request.

Cissy, thank you so much
for being so perceptive.

Of course, when
Cissy says "new blood,"

what she really means
is "new blue blood."

What Delphine
means is it would help

if you all had one or
two nifty ancestors.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

For example, my
Great-Grandfather Baldwin

was a bisexual
Yankee double agent.

He swung both north and south.

He later married a Jewess
named Falkencrantz

and fathered a black child by
his own daughter's wet nurse

before going insane.

Oh, Billy, you're terrible.

How did you get into Beaumont?

That crazy double agent

quickly became an
eccentric Confederate spy

married to a German baroness
named Falk with a penchant

for relocating orphans of
the high yellow persuasion

from the East Indies.

See, all it takes is
a little imagination

and a grandmother with a
knack for re-writing history.

[Delphine] I'm afraid
Billy exaggerates.

Anyway, take a couple of weeks
to work on these applications.

Oh, I'll just be filling out
Julia's application for her.

You know, she's...
She's just so busy.

And then, of course,
there's also the little matter

of the annual dues.

I trust that won't be a problem.

Oh, well, no.

I mean, not when you
consider what all you're getting,

and when you think that Beaumont

is where my daughter
someday will be coming out.

At these prices, I think
she should get to do

a little more than
just come out.

Like what?

Like burst through
a hoop of fire

on Nancy Reagan's shoulders.

Oh, Julia, you crazy cut-up.

Suzanne, you are
not going to believe

what that pig of yours did.

Oh, Anthony, I don't
believe you've met

Julia's and my guests.

Oh, hello. Excuse me for
intruding, but this is important.

- Anthony...
- Consuela wasn't home...

so I had to take Noel with
me to Designer Markdowns.

And incidentally, they're
still saying no to your refund.

Anyway, the minute that
she saw these pigskin boots

that they had on
display... I don't know.

They must have been male
pigs before they were boots

because she went
absolutely hog-wild crazy.

I mean, she was all over them.

I had to pay for two pair.

Oh... Excuse me.

Uh, I'd like to introduce
you to our friends

from The Beaumont Driving Club.

You must be kidding.

I was a busboy at The Beaumont

before my unfortunate
incarceration.

I thought you looked familiar.

Everyone, this is
Anthony Bouvier.

He's just one of Sugarbakers
many delivery men.

Right.

Well, I guess I'd better
be getting out to the truck

and help the other guys load up.

Bouvier. Bouvier.

You wouldn't be any relation to
Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy, would you?

Billy, you're terrible.

Why, yes.

As a matter of fact, I am.

She's my sister.

But we had this huge falling out

over some land that Dad left us.

Now, that was not long after
Jack got into the White House

and I was still in grade school.

But then, after she
married Onassis,

he and I became very close.

Ari was such a great guy.

We played a lot of golf
together on Skorpios.

Since he died, I haven't
seen much of her, though,

except for those odd
social occasions like

Caroline and Edwin
Schlossberg's wedding.

Oh, he's a wonderful
fella. Very high intensity.

And he has this fabulous
barn in the Berkshires.

Well, I'll tell Jackie that
you asked about her.

She will be so pleased to know
that common people still care.

[Mary Jo] Suzanne, I just
don't get why it's so important

for you to belong to this club.

Well, I don't expect
you to understand.

You grew up in a little town where
they didn't even have a country club.

Well, that just goes to
show how much you know.

We had a country club.

You did?

We certainly did.

It's a very nice one, too.

It had originally been
Doogie's Motor Court.

But they just
changed the parking lot

into a putting green
and the bridal suite

into the clubhouse
hospitality room.

I see. So. You were
a deb at Doogie's.

No. I wasn't a deb.

But I'll never
forget... [laughs]

they left the bidet
from the bridal suite

in the hospitality
room bathroom.

And on the night
of our graduation,

this big, dumb jock,
Clarence Biggers,

comes out of the bathroom
with the whole front of his pants

covered in water.

And he says, "Hey, don't
anybody use that toilet in there.

There's somethin'
wrong with it."

- So? What's your point?
- I don't know. I don't have a point.

It's all Charlene's fault, too. I used to
have a point before I started working here.

Her point, Suzanne,
is that you think

only big cities have
society. But the truth is,

you can always find somebody
who's trying to snub somebody else,

I don't care how small the
town is, anywhere in America.

Oh. So you're telling me you
had debutants in Poplar Bluff, too.

Well, as a matter
of fact, we did.

I mean, they didn't have
coming out parties or anything.

What did they have?

Well, you know, it
wasn't any one event.

You know, basically,
you were a debutant

if you weren't a car hop at A&W.

Well, no offense, Charlene,

but I don't think
not being a car hop

entitles you to put yourself
on the national Social Register.

I'm not trying to put
myself on anything.

Anyway, I was a car hop.

[chuckles] Well, that
sure would've put you

on the Social Registry
in my neighborhood.

When I grew up, a debutant was
any girl who wasn't on penicillin.

Anthony, don't you have some
loading up to do in the van?

Well, yes. As a matter
of fact, I do, Suzanne.

I just finished hosin' it down,

and now I'll just be hanging up
this little packet of pig deodorizer.

So if you ladies
will excuse me...

Well, I, for one, agree
with Mary Jo and Charlene.

- About what?
- I don't know. Everything.

I'm not against
all private clubs,

but when their main purpose seems to
be making everyone else feel inadequate,

then what's the point?

Julia, you aren't gonna
ruin this for me, are you?

Suzanne, I just don't understand

why you can't join by yourself.

Well, I don't know, but
they're real funny about that.

They just keep saying
it has to be you, too.

Oh, please say yes. You
won't have to do anything.

I'll even help you pay the dues.

Sure, you will. Are you
forgetting that your accountant

has absconded
with all your savings?

Well, are you forgetting all
that money I won in Atlantic City?

We can use part of
that. You know what?

I think that's why I won all
that money. It was an omen...

that I was meant to be
a member of Beaumont.

Yes, sir. 1988's
definitely looking up.

I suppose you're wondering
why we invited you here today...

and not Suzanne.

Well, yes, I have to
admit that I'm a bit curious.

Well, we just wanted to have
a chance to chat with you...

alone.

Not that we don't adore Suzanne.

That's right. We want you to
understand that right up front.

We all like Suzanne
very, very much.

Gee, I'm getting the feeling
I'm about to get some bad news.

No. You're about to
get some good news.

And you should know we
don't usually accept widows,

but we are going to make
an exception in your case

because we all agree that you
have the kind of reputation and style

that fits right in with
what we have here.

Welcome to Beaumont.

Your application's
been approved.

I don't understand.
What about Suzanne?

I'm sorry. She
didn't make the cut.

She didn't make the cut?

But that's impossible.

Suzanne's the one who
wanted this more than anything.

Naturally, I know you
and Suzanne are sisters.

But we hope you'll be big enough
not to take this in a personal way.

I'm sorry. I'm not that big.

And I think rejecting
my sister is real personal.

Dear, it's nothing
to get all huffy about.

Suzanne is a lovely
girl, but she's, you know,

all those beauty titles,
all those divorces.

And she's just a little
too eager to be here.

She's just not Beaumont.

Actually, you know, you
couldn't be more wrong.

Suzanne is probably the
only young person in Atlanta

who truly does fit in here,

at least to what you
all started out to be.

You see, she still
believes in the Old South...

Romance and pride and tradition.

It's a long time since
I've been in this room.

Our mother used to
bring us here for lunch.

I always loved the
smell of old fruitwood

and starched tablecloth.

Well, you could be
part of all this again.

No, I don't think so.
It wouldn't be right.

See, I'm not as impressed
by you all as Suzanne is.

To me, you're no more
relevant than wire corsets.

Suzanne could've been the
most beautiful feather in your cap.

Too bad.

Oh, come on, Julia.

There's no point in
going off half-cocked.

Think it over.

I think you'll find out

you fit in very nicely here.

No, I really don't
think so, Delphine.

See, it takes six or
seven generations

to turn out people like you,

and quite frankly, I
just haven't got the time.

Anyway, it would probably
be in violation of the rules.

What rules?

Oh, you know the ones.

No blacks, no Jews...
no big-mouth broads.

You people really
should be more careful.

I almost got by you.
Thanks for the sherry.

You heard from the Driving Club,
didn't you? They've made their decision.

Oh, yeah, sort of.

Oh, I just knew it
was gonna be the day!

Well, come on. Don't keep
me in suspense. Just... tell me.

Well, all right, Suzanne.

I know this is going to
make you very angry.

Uh, but...[clears throat]

I just started leafing through
their silly old bylaws this afternoon,

and, uh, there was just so
much hidden discrimination.

Well, you know me.

I just got in the car
and drove over there

and got into this huge fight,

and they ended up
tearing up our applications.

Oh, Julia, come on. You're...

Tell me you're...
You're joking. Right?

No. No, I'm not. I just had to
do what I thought was right.

I can't believe
this is happening.

Oh... believe me, it
happened. I was there.

You were there?

Oh. Well, actually, I... I
was here, but I heard about it.

That's right.

We all did.

It was a terrible fight.

Well, who did you fight with?

Oh, you name it.

Bitty, Cissy, Muffy,
Toughie... all of 'em.

And they just tore up our
applications, just like that?

Just like that.

I hope you can forgive me.

Forgive you?!

Julia, I don't think I have
ever been as angry with you

as I am right now
at this moment.

Besides, what'd they have to
tear up my application for, too?

I guess because we were sisters.

I'm sorry.

Yes. Well, for the
first time in my life,

I'm sorry we're sisters, too.

[doorbell chimes]

Bitty. Well, what
are you doing here?

May we come in?

Oh, sure. Come on in.

I'm just having a TV dinner.

You know, maid's day off.

So, uh, she really
does belong to you.

Yeah. I guess you could say

I got a temporary case
of amnesia at the vet's.

Just... forgot who my pig was.

Suzanne, we just
stopped by to say...

no hard feelings.

Oh, sure.

I understand. I mean,
that's just Julia, you know?

I mean, she does that.

She rubs people the wrong
way sometimes, but... well,

she's my sister, and I love her.

Besides, what am I
gonna do? Disown her?

Disown her? Why would
you want to do that?

You should have heard the way
she was taking up for you today.

What do you mean?

I mean when we gave her
an invitation and not you,

she... told us what
we could do with it.

Wait a minute.

Julia turned you down

- because I didn't get
an invitation?
- Yeah.

But we wanted you to
know that we voted for you.

That's right, and we
hope you're not mad at us.

Suzanne? What
are you doin' here?

I just stopped by. What
are you doing downstairs?

Oh, just going through
some receipts for taxes.

Do you have a minute?

Well, sure.

Sit down.

I want to apologize
again for fouling things up.

Julia.

What?

Bitty and Cissy
came by to see me,

and... I know what happened.

Now, why would they want
to do something like that?

I don't know. I guess they
didn't want me to be mad at them.

But... I don't care
about them, anyway.

Right now, I'm much
more interested in my sister.

What about her?

Well, I guess the
real question is...

can she forgive me?

It's done.

Just like that?

Just like that. [chuckles]

[sighs] God knows I don't
deserve the way you look out for me.

No, I don't think
God knows that at all.

I think that's what God
made big sisters for.

[chuckles]

Listen. You got something
to eat? I'm starving.

Have I got something to eat?

We have got so
much good stuff to eat.

We've got banana bread and
peanut butter and Almond Roca.

If you would just care to step

into the incredibly elite,
bona fide, blue-blood

Sugarbaker kitchen.

It has elegance and
panache and style.

But nevertheless,
it is not so stuffy,

a girl wouldn't feel comfortable
bringing her date in here.

[Suzanne chuckles]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA