Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Return of Ray Don - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Look at this.

- Doesn't this just kill you?
- What?

These decorating
magazines that show a room

that has nothing
but one thing in it.

I mean, this is an architect,

so he obviously has all
the money in the world,

And yet in his
bedroom he has nothing

but a set of Levolor blinds

and a rolled-up
rose-colored sleeping bag.

They call it
"delightfully minimalist."



You know what I say?

I say it's just a room
with a sleeping bag in it,

and who'd want it?

I know what you mean. It's
like every art museum you go to

has that one painting
of a big colored dot.

It obviously cost
thousands of dollars,

and all these artistic rich
people ooh and aah over it.

But to me, it's just a dot.

I'll tell you something else.

- [door closes]
- I've often thought,
deep down in their hearts,

all those artistic rich people,

in the cool gray
dawn of morning,

they know it's just a dot, too.

- Do you think?
- I do.



- [telephone ringing]
- Maybe you're right.

Sugarbakers.

I'm sorry. Suzanne isn't in.

Where is she?

Well, may I ask who's calling?

Sergeant Cahill.

Atlanta Police Department.

She's been at her
attorney's all morning.

Can I take a...

All right. I'll tell her
you called. Thank you.

The police are
looking for Suzanne?

Yeah. They said she
knew what it was about.

Well, I don't like
the sound of that.

And she spent all morning
at her attorney's office.

I hope she's not in any trouble.

Oh, she probably just forgot
to pay her parking tickets again.

No, she'd never do that.

Her fine was so big the last
time, they told her next time,

they'd make her pick
up trash at City Hall.

They can't do that, can they?

Anthony, can they make
you pick up trash at City Hall

just for having
overdue parking tickets?

I don't know. I guess so.

They can make rapists
and murderers go to prison

and learn how to cook and sew.

- Why?
- We were just wondering.

The police were calling
here looking for Suzanne.

The police. She didn't
turn me in again, did she?

Anthony, Suzanne
doesn't do that anymore.

I certainly hope not.

She sure didn't hesitate
when I first came here.

I mean, every time there
was a police composite sketch

of a black man on the
news, she turned my name in.

You know, that can kind of
wear on your nerves after a while.

[squeals]

Suzanne, what's the
matter? You all right?

No, I'm not all right.

I think I better just sit down.

[whimpers]

Suzanne.

Suzanne!

The police just called here.

Would you like to tell
me what's going on?

Well, what is going on is that
I just found out this morning

I've been financially wiped out.

Kaput. I've lost everything.

What? How?

My accountant,
Reggie Mac Dawson,

that's how.

The man I trusted
for the past six years

is... what do you say?

Absconded with everything I own.

Absconded where?

If I knew that, you
think I'd be sitting here?

The last sighting
of him was in Bimini.

Well, what do you
mean, "sighting"?

You make it sound like
he's traveling with Bigfoot.

No, Charlene,

I mean the police know he
went through customs there.

Suzanne, how much money
are we talking about here?

Well, for starters,

I owe the IRS for
the past three years.

They put one of those
lien things on the house,

and half the stuff in it.

And cleaned out
my bank accounts.

I hope you all like this outfit,

'cause I'm gonna be
wearing it for a long, long time.

Probably have to
steal gas station soap

and wash it out
by hand at night.

Suzanne, don't be ridiculous.

You're not gonna have
to sell off your clothes.

I just can't understand
how this happened.

You haven't been signing
blank checks, have you?

Well, yes.

But Reggie Mac always
told me what they were for.

And besides, I trusted him,
because he also took care

of Trudy Wilhoit and the
Dillon twins, Beau and Becky.

Well, I mean, you can
understand that, can't you?

Yeah. Sure, Suzanne.

[crying] Of course, Beau
and Becky are broke now, too.

They want me to share
an apartment with them.

Oh, Suzanne, I'd
never live with twins.

They bond so close,
you'll be completely left out.

Charlene, do you mind?

I'm sure you can work
out something with the IRS.

- You can get an extension.
- No, I can't.

My attorney says
they turned it down.

I can't even write
a check for $5.

I just cannot believe
that this has happened.

Although I never
trusted Reggie Mac.

He was always just
a little too happy.

Yes, well, now we all know why.

- What's that?
- Reggie Mac's picture.

I had to give it to the police
for them to send around.

A white guy, huh?

Well, I'm certainly glad to see

that you're working from a
photograph and not a sketch.

Read what he wrote.

"Suzanne, may you
find the kind of happiness

"money can't buy.

Love, Reggie Mac."

Oh!

[Julia] Suzanne, I still say
you're jumping the gun here.

We can put some money
together. We just need a little time.

Julia, three years
of back taxes?

We're going to
need more than time.

And anyway, I refuse
to live in this house

with that awful IRS
sign on the front lawn.

I mean, it's just
too humiliating.

As far as I'm concerned,
they might just as well

stick a big billboard out there
that says "plague" or "whorehouse."

I don't know. I think I'd
stick with "impounded."

- [Woman wailing]
- What on earth is that awful
wailing and carrying on?

- Is that Consuela?
- Yes.

- [clattering]
- That's your maid?

Yeah. Had to let her go.

She's not taking it very well.

She's been howling like
that since this morning.

Well, I would go in there
and tell her to knock if off.

- Oh, I wouldn't if I were you.
- Why?

Because she threw a sword at me.

And she has a whole set.

Where do you want this to go?

Oh, in that box over there.
That's going up for auction.

Julia, you remember that lamp?

That's the one that Mother
used to flick on and off

every time she'd catch one of
us necking on the front porch.

Yeah, I remember it.

I myself never got flicked.

You, on the other hand,
created a nightly blitzkrieg.

Suzanne, it was
just a little joke.

I was just trying
to make you smile.

Nothing could ever
make me smile again.

Suzanne, I agree with Julia.

I think you ought to hold
off on this auction thing.

You might be able to survive
a lot better than you think.

- How?
- Well, you'll still be getting
something out of your paycheck,

and I can teach you
how to economize.

Economize?

You mean like clip coupons,

buy food that doesn't
have any labels on it,

stand in discount
store checkout lines

and pump your own gas?

Yeah, something like that.

I'd rather be dead.

Suzanne, you wanna put
this globe in the auction box?

- No.
- Why?

That is the one
thing I'm keeping.

- Why?
- Because it has Bimini on it.

It's the one thing
keeps me going.

Someday I'm gonna
find Reggie Mac,

and I'm gonna hurt him.

Forget about hurting him.
Just get your money back.

Oh, I'm gonna do that, too.
But first, I'll be tying him, naked,

to four stakes in the ground,

covering him from
head to toe with honey.

Then I'm gonna release
thousands of killer bees

that have been
injected with rabies.

You've given this some
thought, haven't you?

Yes, I have. 'Cause I want him to
suffer for what he's made me do.

Having to get married to
someone I don't even love.

"Having to get married"? Have
you lost your mind, Suzanne?

What are you talking about now?

Wilmont Oliver.

Wilmont Oliver?

This is a person you have
been dating for six weeks.

Why on earth would you
want to marry Wilmont Oliver?

Because he asked me.

The man is 150 years old!

Plus he is the
meanest man in Atlanta.

Yes, but he's also
one of the richest.

That's why I've
decided to accept.

[Anthony] I guess
I'll shove off.

Tell Suzanne I put up as many
posters of Reggie Mac as I could.

- These are the ones
that were left over.
- I'll take 'em.

We might as well
put one up here.

You never know. Someone
might recognize him.

Charlene, I don't want a poster
of Reggie Mac Dawson in here.

It's enough that I have to
hear about him all day long.

I don't want to have
to look at him, too.

Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow.
Oh, by the way, Julia,

of you don't wanna
look at Reggie Mac,

don't go into the men's room
at the Greyhound bus station.

I got him in all three stalls.

Right. Thanks for the tip.

Julia, if you don't mind, I think I'll move
these flowers over to the coffee table.

I don't know why you bother.

Wilmont's not gonna notice.
All he cares about is money.

Now, come on, Julia. We
at least have to be civil.

Mary Jo, you've
never met the man.

He's never said a civil
word to anyone in his life.

Why on earth is
Suzanne dating him?

Well, you know, where the wealthy
are concerned, Suzanne's a groupie.

You know that. I suppose
it must be amusing

to date somebody
who has his own jet,

his own box at the
Kentucky Derby.

But marrying him is
a whole other thing.

You mean, because of what
you were saying about his family?

Well, that's part of it, yes.
I mean, here's a person

who has four children who have
never married, never left home,

never done anything since the day
they were born but squabble over money.

Everybody at the country club
talks about how they put death threats

in each other's
pajamas at night.

- Are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.

These people are hardcore rich.

They're just waiting
for the old man to die.

And in the meanwhile, they
may even mutilate each other.

Nah, Julia, you're
making that up.

Mary Jo, I'm not making this up.

I went to college
with Dorothy June.

Her brother Everett's
only got one eye.

And she was the tri-state
slingshot champion.

Now, her younger brother Dexter

wanted to marry,
but he got himself,

shall we say, clipped in an unfortunate
horseshoe tournament accident.

This time, Everett
was doing the throwing.

You know, that's something
you never hear about...

A horseshoe tournament accident.

What does Dexter do now?

He sings... in the choir.

I mean, he can really
hit those high notes.

Julia.

I'm sure it must be
just a coincidence.

Nonetheless, you can imagine
how thrilled they're gonna be

with Suzanne cutting
into their inheritance.

Knock, knock. Hello.

Well, here we are.

Wilmont, you remember Julia.

Oh, yes. I've known her forever.

For crying out loud, Suzanne,

introduce me to the
people I don't know.

Well, I was getting to that.
Now, don't be so inpatient.

This is Charlene,
our officer manager.

- Hi.
- How do you do, Carlene.

And, uh, Mary Jo,
one of our decorators.

- Hello.
- What's that?

- I said hello.
- Well, hello to you, too.

Wilmont's a little
hard of hearing.

Oh, what's that?

I said you're a little
hard of hearing!

Oh, horse feathers!

I am not a little
hard of hearing.

I am a lot hard of hearing.

Well, Roland, let's get
this show on the road.

Right-o.

Oh, everybody, this is Roland.
He's Wilmont's attendant.

Hello. Just so thrilled to be here
for all these prenuptial festivities.

[Suzanne] I just want you to quit
acting so cranky, you hear me?

Now I'm gonna take you over
there and show you our atrium, okay?

All right, then.

Well, what are we
waiting for? A bus?

Did you hear
that? Isn't he cute?

They're great kids, aren't they?

And you all must be so
excited about the big wedding.

I tell you, I just puddle up
every time I think about it.

You know they're just so in love

and they have so much in
common, like it was meant to be.

Tell me...

- Roland, is it?
- That's right.

Tell me, Roland,

how is the family
reacting to all this?

- Can we talk?
- Just between us.

Well, didn't she tell you
about last night at dinner?

- No.
- Well,

you could have cut
the air with a chainsaw.

I mean, it was
vicious, with a capital V.

You know, lots of silent mouthing
behind the old man's back.

I couldn't make all of them
out, but I did manage to catch

"money-sucking whore"
and "society-licking bitch."

No, it's definitely
not going to be pretty.

[Charlene] I can't believe Suzanne
has to marry Wilmont Oliver.

Gee, there must be something
we can do to help her.

- Hey, how about a telethon?
- How about it?

They have 'em all the time for poor
people and sick people. Why not Suzanne?

Everybody hates the IRS.

I'll bet we can get a
local station to sponsor.

We can call it "Help Save
Suzanne Sugarbaker." You know?

And I could put little donation
boxes in the 7-Elevens,

maybe with a picture of her on it
and one of her tiaras, you know?

It's just a thought.

Wait a minute. I think I
have a more feasible solution.

What?

Why don't we just
go down to the IRS

and make a plea on
Suzanne's behalf ourselves?

What good's that gonna do? They
already turned down her appeal.

Maybe she didn't
talk to the right person.

- Who's the right person?
- You know.

What's-his-name. Simpson!

I can't believe I didn't
think of this before.

- Ray Don?
- Yeah.

He's the supervisor.
Don't you remember?

And he happens to love us.

Julia, how can you
say he loves us?

This is a guy you humiliated in a sushi
bar just 'cause he tried to sit with us.

Yes, and when I got
audited, and he was assigned

my case, he threw
it all out, didn't he?

Yes, because you were in the
right, not because he loves us.

Come on. These IRS
guys are hardcore.

They got widows lying on
the floor, begging and crying,

with little trickles of blood
running out their mouth.

It doesn't affect them.

We'll appeal to the
kind of person he is.

- But we don't know anything
about him.
- Yes, we do.

We know that he tries
to pick up women in bars,

he wears a cheap
toupee and polyester suits.

We'll just make him
believe we can relate to that.

We're going to wear cheap
toupees and polyester suits?

No, Charlene.

We're going to win him
over playing his game.

Well, Mrs. Sugarbaker, I was
very surprised to get your call.

After all, your audit
was over a year ago,

and I haven't seen your name
come across my desk since.

Oh, I'm not here
on my own behalf.

- Oh, you're not?
- No. And please call me Julia,
by the way.

These are my girlfriends
Mary Jo, Charlene.

- [together] Hi.
- Yes, we've met before.

And I believe you also
met my sister, Suzanne.

Yes. A full-figured
gal, very attractive.

Yes, well, unfortunately,
she's fallen on hard times.

Look, if I may be
perfectly honest,

I know this is highly irregular,

but we just don't know
where else to turn.

And it seemed as
though our paths

were meant to cross...
Yours and mine.

I mean, since that day we
first met at Tokyo Gardens,

and then later, the coincidence
of your auditing me...

[chuckling]

Yes, that was a coincidence.

And I'll never forget
that day in the bar

when I introduced
myself, and you said...

And sometimes late at night I still
hear it reverberating off the walls...

"There's no need for
introductions, Ray Don.

"We know who you are.
You're the guy who is always

"wherever women
gather or try to be alone,

"you want to eat with us
when we're dining in hotels,

"you want to know if the
book we're reading is any good,

"or if you can keep us
company on the plane.

"And I want to
thank you, Ray Don,

on behalf of all the
women in the world"...

Please stop. It's far
too painful for me.

And anyway, I know
now that I misjudged you,

and the proof of that
was that you didn't

hold it against me
when I was audited, so...

Well, we don't use
the IRS vindictively.

- [quietly] Yeah, sure.
- Mary Jo.

Excuse me. I just have
to ask you something,

although it isn't
any of my business.

Are you wearing
your hair differently?

No, I don't think so.

It's still there, isn't it?

Yes, but it looks different.

I... Well, it really
sets off your face.

- Don't you think so?
- Oh, yes.

Well, it's just a cheap toupee.

No kidding. Well, I
wouldn't have believed that.

- Me, either.
- Who would've guessed?

[laughter]

Would you care for a daiquiri?

What?

We just happen to have
these little cocktail cans with us.

You know, we were on
our way to happy hour,

and, you know, the drinks
in bars are just exorbitant.

Mary Jo, Mr. Simpson works
for the Internal Revenue.

I'm sure he wouldn't
be interested in having

a cocktail with
us in his office.

Would you, Mr. Simpson?

- Well, no.
- See? I told you.

[can clicks]

My sister Suzanne, remember?

It seems that her accountant has
absconded with all of her money,

and now the IRS has put a
lien on everything she owns.

Well, I'm very
sorry to hear that.

And the worst part is

she's losing her fantastic
indoor swimming pool,

where she has all these wonderful
guy/gal parties in the middle of winter.

And they're open house.

Yes. And I know it isn't
relevant to anything,

but have you ever done any
mixed swimming in December?

You know, where
you're right at eye level

with all this
beautiful white snow,

but up close, all
you can see is steam

rising off the winter tans

of hard, firm, single bodies.

[Mary Jo] "The winter tans
of hard, firm, single bodies"?

I mean, really,
Julia. I am shocked.

I didn't even know you
had thoughts like that.

Yes. Well, I've read a
cheap novel or two in my time.

Yeah. What I don't
understand, Mary Jo,

is when are you gonna
realize you don't drink?

I know I don't drink. I probably
only have about four cocktails a year.

Yes, and you can't
hold any one of them.

Every time, it's like going around with
someone who has their pants on fire.

I said I'm sorry.

I apologize. I'm tired of
hearing about it, all right?

- What'd she do?
- She...

She called Ray Don a
"hairless government weenie."

Only after he turned us down.

I didn't like him calling
her a "full-figured gal."

Suzanne, I hope this is not
going to hurt your feelings,

but I have something to say.

I probably went
further for you today

than I have ever gone for
anyone before in my life.

I mean, I flirted and
cajoled with a man

that I find
personally offensive,

not to mention humiliating
myself in speech and demeanor,

and compromising almost
every principle by which I live

in attempting to socially
bribe a representative

of the United States government.

Now, to me, I think this
should be telling you something.

I know. But what? What is it?

That if Mary Jo
and Charlene and I

are willing to go this far to keep
you from marrying Wilmont Oliver,

then I think maybe you should
give that a little consideration!

- [Mary Jo] Amen.
- Well, I have given it
some consideration.

I mean, it's not like I
want to marry Wilmont.

His children are so weird.
Every time I go over there,

they... they just keep
trying to measure me,

but they won't tell me why.

And then they drew a little chalk outline
of a body on the floor of the guest room.

- Tacky stuff.
- But just don't marry him!

- I have to.
- Oh, come on, Suzanne.

You don't have to.

I thought you were supposed
to be like Scarlett O'Hara.

You think Scarlett
O'Hara sat around

and waited for Rhett Butler
to bail her butt out of a sling?

That's right. Scarlett didn't get
some man to save Tara for her.

She did it herself.

Well, I know. But how can I?

Well, you just can, that's all.

Look, you'll sell some
of these things off.

You won't have to sell
everything. I've got some savings.

We'll just take it
one day at a time.

That's right. And Mary Jo
and I will take you shopping.

- We'll help you figure out
those coupons.
- You can count on it.

Maybe I could.
I just don't know.

Suzanne, do you think Scarlett O'Hara
would be saying, "Maybe I could"?

You know what she'd be doing?

She'd be scooping up a piece
of this floorboard and saying,

"As God is my witness, I will never let
the IRS take anything of mine again!"

Stop.

You're gonna make me
cry. Y'all are too sweet.

Just don't do it.

Call it off.

Enough is enough.

Oh, all right. I'll do it.

- I'll call Wilmont,
tell him the wedding's off.
- That's it, girl!

We're gonna get through
this somehow together.

Yeah. And in the meantime, I
think this calls for a celebration.

Celebration? [chuckles]

No way am I going out
after the day we've had.

Hey, who said anything
about going out?

We're party girls. We
travel with our own libations.

- Right?
- Right.

And I'll tell you
what. The first thing

that we're gonna do when we get
this whole mess straightened out

is get ourselves five
first class tickets to Bimini.

- We are?
- Yeah.

- Why five?
- Well, we've gotta have
one seat for the killer bees.

[all] The killer bees!

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA