Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 15 - Oh, Brother - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Suzanne] All I'm saying, Julia,

is I don't think we have
to go around advertising it.

I still say the best approach

is to say Clayton's been
with the Peace Corps.

Suzanne, we've been
all over that, it's ridiculous.

Furthermore,

I don't care who knows
where our brother's been.

All right, then fine.

We'll just say he was
living with a circus.

I mean, you know, people
still run off and do that.



He could have been with
a real high class circus.

Uh, how long has it been
since y'all have seen Clayton?

Well, let's see.

We saw him about seven years ago

in New Orleans.

I remember because he had
a breakdown right after that,

and then about three years
ago we visited him in Chicago.

That was just before
his second breakdown.

And then, of course,
this most recent one.

Come to think of it,

he seems to always
have a breakdown

right after we visit.

So just what are you implying?

Nothing.



Just that I hope
you don't do anything

to shatter his nerves this time.

And just how do I do that?

You just come on
too strong, Suzanne.

What's that supposed
to mean, "too strong"?

Well, I don't know. It's
just everything about you.

Sometimes even your
face comes on too strong.

Well, excuse me for being
so incredibly beautiful.

Also, you're always pressing him

and pressing him
to have a good time.

Like that time we
were in Chicago,

you never stopped talking.

You got into your suitcases.
Put on a big fashion show.

You made that silly dog of yours

dance for him
every five minutes.

I mean, we do not have to
have all this forced gaiety.

Well, at least I'm not always
bringing up his problem.

What do you mean by that?

I mean you obliviously
think you're Dr. Ruth

"let's-get-everything-out-
in-the-open" Sugarbaker.

Well, did it ever occur to you

that maybe Clayton doesn't
want to talk about his problem?

Maybe he's just a
little sick and tired

of you always
going out of your way

to act like you not ashamed

that he's a couple air
bubbles off the beam.

Well, I am not ashamed.

Suzanne let's face it.
Clayton has problems.

When he cannot
handle these problems,

he drinks.

When he drinks,

he winds up in
a mental hospital.

That's all.

I can't understand why you
have trouble admitting that.

And I don't know why you have
to make a big deal out of this.

I mean, you're the one
who's always talking about

how Southern families are
so proud of their eccentrics.

How they're always
bringing 'em out

and putting 'em on display.

But for some reason,

you just can't let Clayton
be a cute little eccentric.

No.

You've got to confront
the problem head-on.

He's got to be the
national poster boy

for nervous breakdowns.

I mean, by the
time you're through

everybody in Atlanta is
going to be talking about it.

Suzanne, are you
feeling all right?

- Yes, why?
- I don't know.

You're just so incredibly
articulate and lucid.

It's kind of disturbing.

Well, I have my
movements, you know.

Suzanne, I am not saying
that Clayton is crazy.

All that I am saying

is that we're getting
him to come home

for the first time in years.

Let us not waste this chance.

Let us not allow him

to sit around your
house all winter

eating bourbon balls and
playing Canasta, okay?

I cannot believe you Julia.
Sometimes you are just so petty.

One bourbon ball.

He found one bourbon ball

in an old candy dish
on the baby grand.

And for this I am
too irresponsible

to play hostess
to my own brother.

Y'all better cut it out.
They just pulled up.

All right, Suzanne,

just remember to be
calm and subdued.

All right, fine Julia.

I'll be calm and subdued.

Just don't you go asking him

how that nervous
breakdown's coming along.

- [both] Clayton!
- Girls!

I'll just be taking
this bag upstairs.

Thanks, Anthony.

Hey, Suz. How are you doing?

- Just fine.
- You look so good.

- Thank you.
- Not you, Suzanne. Clayton.

You look great,
Julia. You both do.

Clayton, we want you to
meet two of our dearest friends.

- This is Charlene Frazier.
- Hey, Charlene.

And Mary Jo Shively.

How are you, Mary
Jo? How you doing?

- So nice to meet you.
- Thank you.

You come over here and
sit down, you sweet thing.

Julia, I was gonna
introduce him.

Well, all right, you go ahead.

Never mind. It's
not the same now.

Let's just start over.

You must be
Charlene and Mary Jo,

two of Suzanne's
dearest friends.

- How are you?
- Pleased to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Silly.

I can't believe you wouldn't
let us come pick you up.

I hate to think about
you riding the bus.

Oh, the bus wasn't that bad.

I sort of think of it
as my reentry vehicle.

Sort of like the astronauts use
when they come back to Earth.

We were starting to
get worried about you.

I mean, you know,
you're almost an hour late.

Is that right?
I'm all fouled up.

I loaned this watch to a guy

who's not on
Daylight Savings Time.

You mean, there are people
who think they have a choice?

Out at the macadamia ranch.

"Macadamia ranch" is
Clayton's little euphemism

for nuthouse.

Oh.

Hon, go on with your story.

There's really no story.

We just got one guy
who won't spring forward

and another one
who won't fall back.

Hey, it's my fault we were late.

We got lost taking
Mr. Deneli home.

- Who's Mr. Deneli?
- He's just another patient.

He rode in with me on the bus.

Uh, they're letting
him out on a trial basis.

Oh, what's wrong with him?

I mean, not that it's
any of my business.

- I was just curious.
- He's afraid of movie stars.

I think it's gonna
be okay, though.

He doesn't know any.
He's not gonna meet any.

Pretty much gonna be
smooth sailing from here on in.

Well, there were a few
tense moments there

when he thought
there was a possibility

I might be Sidney Poitier.

You know, I never
would have said,

"They call me Mr. Tibbs," if I'd have
known he was gonna get so upset.

Don't worry about it,
Anthony. He'll get over it.

Oh, dear, you must be starving.

- Can I get you something?
- Uh, no thanks.

I had a shrimp cocktail out of
the machine at the bus station.

You actually ate one of those?

I always wondered what
kind of person would buy one...

No offense!

Well, I did debate about
the cheese sandwich,

but I think I made
the right decision.

Only time will tell.

Well, I better be
loading up that truck.

Clayton, it was a pleasure.

Anthony, you're a good man.

- See you later.
- You can count on that.

- You take it easy, man.
- All right.

You know, Clayton, your
sisters have just been

counting the hours
until you got here.

They have talked
of nothing else.

I bet they've been
fighting over me.

And I bet old Suz, there,

wants to tell everybody
that I've been out

on the Alaska
pipelines or someplace

so all her friends
won't find out

her brother's home
from the loony bin.

Now, Clayton, you
know that's not true.

So, Suz, how you been?

Are you still collecting
men, pulling off their wings,

and keeping little
jars up in your room?

Don't talk silly.

I used to go up there
and peek at 'em at night.

They were all squashed
down in little jars.

Just awful. They'd
start begging me:

"Please, I only went out
with her one time in college.

Please, please, let me go!"

Clayton, I have to
tell you that Suzanne

wanted very much for you
to stay over at her house

but I insisted that
you stay here with me.

Oh, yeah, but that doesn't mean

you can't come over and
spend the night sometime.

Until you get your apartment.

And then you can rub my
back and my neck and my feet.

Oh, Lord.

You know, that was Clayton
and Julia's favorite thing,

you know, when we were little,

to play tickle monster.

They'd pounce on
me when I was asleep

and then they'd tickle me
until I couldn't catch my breath.

Well, those were good
old days, weren't they?

Well, I hate to interrupt
this conversation,

but I have something
a little more important

to talk about.

What's that?

We don't have to
get into it right now,

but when you're
feeling up to it,

I want to help you get a job.

The kind of job
that you deserve.

Thanks, but I don't think I'd
want any job that I deserved.

Besides, I've kind of got
something in mind for myself.

Julia, why don't you
just leave him alone?

Clayton, I don't know
why you just don't

come and stay with me tonight.

I mean, you're sure not
going to have any fun over here

with Nurse Ratched.

Suzanne, I believe

that I have had
just about enough

of your smart mouth for one day!

Well, so much for
calm and subdued.

I am beginning to
lose patience with you.

- I mean, I don't...
- Clayton has come in here as my guest.

I am the older sister of
both you and Clayton.

- ever since
we were little!
- I am tired...

Clayton, I'm awful
sorry you had to come in

in the middle of all this.

- [sisters arguing loudly]
- It's okay!

The doctor says I'll be fine

if I can stay away
from any undue

pressure and stress!

You mean, I've been
around here three days

and I haven't told
you anything about

my two friends, Bubba and Earl?

No, I don't believe so. I think
I'd remember Bubba and Earl.

They went to
hospital me one time

and strange
enough, all three of us

were graduates of the
University of Georgia.

I tell ya, people who graduate
from the University of Georgia

are super intelligent.

What we can do best
is we can figure out

all the complexities
of modern day life.

Bubba and Earl are
good examples of that.

They were driving back
from a football game in Athens

one day, going back to Atlanta.

It was late at night and they
ran out of gas on the interstate.

Didn't know what in the
world they were gonna do.

So they looked up and they
saw a sign on the interstate

that said, "Free sex
with fill-up, next exit."

Bubba said, "Earl,
whip in there quick."

And Earl whipped it
in, the fella came out

and said, "What'll it be?"

Earl said, "Fill it
up." They can't wait.

They elbowing one
another. It's gonna be terrific.

So finally the guy finishes.
He comes back and he says,

"That'll be 18.95."
Earl pays it.

Earl said, "Now, listen fella,
what about that free sex?"

Guy said, "Well, first of all, you got
to play a game to become eligible."

Earl said, "What
kind of game is that?"

He said, "Well, I think of a number between
1 and 10 and you've got to guess it."

Earl said, "All right.
9." Guy said, "No, it's 2."

Bubba said, "Let me try."

He studied on him a
minute, he said, "7!"

Guy said, "I told you it's 2."

[laughter]

Well, they real disappointed. They get
about four or five miles down the road

and Bubba'd been thinking
about this all the time.

He said, "Earl, I think
I've figured this thing out."

He said, "That was
a trick, back there."

Earl said, "What do
you mean it's a trick?"

"That guy can give any
number he wants to."

Earl said, "No, it
ain't no trick either."

Bubba said, "How you know?"

Earl said, "I'll tell
you how I know.

My wife went in there twice last
week and she won both times."

Listen, uh, thanks for helping
me with this job application.

You sure this is the way
you spell "industrious"?

Oh, yeah. Looks right to me.

I hate to bust
up this little party,

but don't y'all have
some work to do?

Oh, right. We were
just taking a break.

Hey, I'm out of here.

If you need me, I'll
be in the storeroom.

Okay.

Do y'all know they really didn't
discover sushi in California?

They've had it in
Alabama for years.

They just had a
different name for it: Bait.

I miss having
Clayton around today.

I wonder how his first
day on the job's going.

Well, I'm sure he's miserable.

I mean, who wants to be a
lowly clerk in a music store?

This is a perfectly
respectable job.

He would have been much happier

being something else.

Such as?

I don't know.

Maybe an attorney.

That may be true, Suzanne,

but I think being an attorney
is too much pressure.

Especially when you
haven't been to law school.

Oh, well. All right then.

Um, he could be a golf
pro at the country club.

I mean, they don't do
anything except sit around

in those Izod sweaters.

I don't think I care
to respond to that.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

I mean, we don't have to worry
about him ever getting a decent job

as long as you're coaching him.

Who is gonna hire somebody
who writes on his job application

under mental illness, "You bet."

[laughter]

Suzanne, I've always found
that honesty is the best policy.

And anyway, I think
it's terribly important

for Clayton to get
off to a slow start.

Taking it one day at a time.

And this job at the music store

is a perfect way to do that.

I think he's fortunate
Mr. Hayes gave him

this opportunity.

Opportunity?

You call working at
some fleabag music store

an opportunity?

I mean, that's no kind
of job for a Sugarbaker.

What's next, school patrol boy?

Y'all ever thought about
Clayton being a stand-up comic?

[both] No.

Why do you ask?

Oh, nothing. It's just,

well, we think
he's pretty funny.

Yeah. He's got
this routine he does,

you know, about
these two friends of his.

These two good old boys
named Bubba and Earl.

They're at an
Auburn/Georgia football game

and this dog named Ugah
comes out on the 50 yard line.

And Bubba turns
to Earl and says...

[laughter]

Did he tell y'all this one?

[both] No.

Oh, you should have
heard it. It's pretty good.

You know, he was
a stand-up comic

in the mental hospital
talent show and he won.

Didn't he tell you that?

[both] No.

Well, you know, that's a bigger
honor than you might think.

I mean, I bet it's
not exactly easy

to crack those
people up, so to speak.

Y'all talking about Clayton?

[Mary Jo and Charlene] Yeah.

Man, I think that dude is funny.

If you ask me,

I think he should just
chuck it all and go for it.

Wait a minute. Am I
missing something here?

What are you talking
about, "go for it"?

I mean, be a stand-up comic.

You know, it's
his lifetime dream.

He's sure not
getting any younger.

Well, who told you it
was his lifetime dream?

He did. Didn't he tell you all?

[Julia and Suzanne] No.

Well, I can't believe that.

He says he used to
practice his routines

in the basement all the time.

Well, he was down there a lot

but we just thought
he was digging.

Clayton, what are
you doing here?

- I got fired.
- Fired?

You've only been on
the job 3 1/2 hours.

I know.

They said they
got sick and tired

of hearing me play
"Louie Louie" on the organ.

Do you mean to tell
me that Mr. Hayes

has fired you without even so
much as giving you a warning?

Yeah, he gave me a warning. He
told me to stop playing it and I did.

But then I was writing out
a sales slip for a saxophone

and I sort of accidentally
started singing it.

You know the first part...

Louie, Louie. Oh,
baby. We gotta go.

Ay-ya-ya-ya.

Mr. Hayes thought
I was being smart,

so he fired me.

Well, that doesn't
seem very fair.

That's right. It's
a free country.

You can sing "Louie,
Louie" anywhere you want.

Listen, thanks for
your support, all of you,

but I don't think
this is working out.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and get my things.

Get your things?
Where you going?

I don't know. I'll
send you a postcard.

Clayton, you can't go anywhere.

You just got out
of the hospital.

- I mean, you're...
- What, nuts?

Everybody else is, too.

I just got caught.

Mind if we sit down?

Help yourselves.

- So, waitin' for a bus?
- Yep.

Waiting on a bus.

You know that guy?

No, but he keeps circling me.

I think he's nuts.

You know, we can
spot each other.

Sort of like whales.

Lord, I hope he's not getting
ready to do a mating call.

Oh, Clayton, I can't believe you're eating
another one of those shrimp cocktails.

You're really pushing your luck.

Yeah, this one does taste a
little older than the other one.

- Hey, Clayton?
- Yeah?

- Where you going, man?
- California.

- Hollywood?
- No, Anaheim.

I got a friend from Vietnam who
lives about a mile from Disneyland.

Word is there's an opening
on Pirates of the Caribbean.

I... I thought you were
going to work on your act.

I am. But in the
meantime, I gotta eat.

Things don't work
out, I'll just throw myself

in front of the
Tomorrowland train.

Clayton, Julia and
Suzanne are awful upset.

They've been looking
everywhere for ya.

So, uh, what'd they say?

Well, I... I don't
think that they realize

how serious you are
about this comedy thing.

Otherwise, Julia wouldn't have
forced that music store job on you.

And they feel
really terrible, man.

You can't just leave like this.

After all, you
are their brother.

No, actually I'm
their half-brother.

Clayton, you know, I
know this isn't the right time,

but I never have
gotten that straight.

Now your daddy
married your mother

after he was married to
Perky, their mother, right?

Right. Dad met Perky
and they had Julia.

Then he married my
mother and they had me.

Then he divorced her...

married Perky again,
and had Suzanne.

What was your mama's name?

- Charlene.
- Deedee.

She was a Rockette.
She's dead now.

I guess that makes
her a dead Rockette.

- Clayton!
- Hey, I'm sorry.

It's kind of obvious the old man

was just out for a one-night
stand and got caught.

Hey, what's the big deal
about dying anyways?

It's gonna happen to all of us.

You know, the amazing
thing is in spite of that,

we still continue to build homes,
buy new clothes, and take medicine.

Hey, man, you are
really cheering us up.

You mean you didn't
know you were terminal?

Do you believe this guy?

Look, Clayton, it's late

and we're tired
and it's cold now.

You can sit around
here in the bus station

feeling sorry for yourself, or

you can get in the car with us

and for once in your life,
stand up to your sisters

and tell 'em that you are in
charge of your own life now.

And if you want
to go up in flames

on The Johnny Carson Show,

it isn't anybody's
business but your own.

But at least be a man about it

and don't slink out of town

with your tail
between your legs.

I'm sorry to be so blunt,

but I'm paying a
babysitter by the hour.

So, what do you think?

I think she makes
a very good point.

I just cannot believe you'd
go off to California like that

without telling us.

Look, I just thought it was time

I did what I wanted
to for a change.

Did what you wanted to?

That's all you've been
doing, all your life.

No, I haven't.

I've been hiding out,

afraid to try what
I wanted to do.

Afraid of failing.

But I found something out.

Once you've
failed at everything,

there's nothing to
be afraid of anymore.

You talking about that
stand-up comedy thing?

I am.

The people at
the mental hospital

thought I was quite amusing.

So did Charlene and
Anthony and Mary Jo.

Let that be a lesson to ya.

Always give your employees
a mental health test.

Well, just where do you
plan to do this... act of yours?

All right, I need to
practice my material

either here or there.

There, meaning California?

Look, I was just trying
to get out of your hair.

You mean, you're
gonna be using our name

and you're gonna go
out there and talk about

being in a mental
hospital and all of that?

You two just can't
quit, can you?

What do you mean?

I mean, you're always
gonna be playing big sister,

taking responsibility
for my life.

Suzanne's never
gonna quit pretending

there's nothing wrong with me.

Well, Clayton, we just
want to do what's right for ya.

Then just love me.

Love you?

It's all I've ever wanted.

We do love you.

We love you more than anything.

I guess I just never felt it.

I was always the mongrel
that Dad brought home.

I just never fit in.

That's not true.

Yeah, it is, and
you both know it.

Dad and Perky never loved
me the way they did you two.

Maybe we've been just trying
too hard to make it up to you.

Listen,

you know all those times
I was in the hospital?

I used to take your pictures
out and put them on the dresser.

Everybody'd come by and say,

"Which one of those
is your girlfriend?"

And you'd say me.

No.

I'd say, "Hey, man,
those aren't my girlfriends.

Those are my sisters."

Clayton, that's so sweet.

Yeah.

Then I'd say,

"My girlfriend is a lot
better looking than that."

You know, you are kinda funny.

Yeah.

Maybe we've just been
so worried about you

we haven't had time to notice.

Well, I, for one,

would like to have this
comedy act close by

so I could screen it.

Yeah, and quite frankly,

I think you're a little too
bizarre for Disneyland.

I love you.

You know that?

You're all I have.

We love you, too.

We just want you to be happy.

That's right.

God knows, it's your turn.

You know, I've always had
trouble with relationships in my life.

Especially with women.

It's like my ex-wife.

She ran off with my best friend.

Caused me to have
a nervous breakdown.

You know, I still
miss that guy, too.

- It was terrible.
- [laughter]

Speaking of women, my
two sisters are here tonight.

I'm real proud of 'em.
They're Southern belles,

real blue bloods,
Piedmont Driving Club-type.

That one over there
is a Junior Leaguer.

You know why Junior
Leaguers don't like group sex?

All those Thank You notes.

But you know, I'm
proud to be a Southerner.

People are always kind of making
fun of the way Southerners speak.

Let me tell you something. The Southern
way of speaking is a language of nuance.

It's a very functional language.

What we can do in the
South is take a word,

change it just a little bit,

and make it mean
altogether, something different.

The word "naked" comes
to mind, for some reason.

N-A-K-E-D.

Use it up North, we
use it down South.

It means you ain't
got not clothes on.

Sometimes in the South, "naked"
just doesn't quite tell the story.

So we change that
word and we say "nekkid."

N-E-K-K-I-D, is
how you spell that.

Vast difference in
these two words.

"Naked" means you
ain't got no clothes on.

"Nekkid" means you ain't got not
clothes on and you up to something.

You know, I've been in some of the
finest mental institutions in this country.

I've had the best analysis
money could pay for.

And after much introspection,

I've sort of come up
with a philosophy for life.

When you leave here
tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

I just want you to
remember one thing

old Clayton Sugarbaker told you.

And that's this:

That life is like
a dogsled team.

If you ain't the lead dog,
the scenery never changes.

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