Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 12 - I'll Be Home for Christmas - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

- Charlene?
- Hmm?

You're awful quiet. What
are you thinking about?

Oh, I was thinking this is the first
Christmas ever I haven't gone home.

And I was thinking
how many men there are

in my family named Virgil.

I don't think we've ever
gotten together on a holiday,

there weren't at least
two or three Virgils there.

There's sometimes
even a baby named Virgil.

I was thinking how glad I am

Cybill Shepherd finally
had those twins of hers.



I don't think I could take another
day of reading about them.

- What were you thinking?
- Same thing.

Actually, I was thinking
that this will be the first time

that I haven't had Quint and
Claudia on Christmas day.

And how holidays just get all
fouled up once you get divorced.

I mean, poor J.D. has to
go down to Birmingham

to Janet's parents
just to see his kids.

I would give
anything in the world

for an old-fashioned
Ward Cleaver Christmas.

But now parents get divorced,

and little Beavers grow up,

and Christmas is
changed forever.

Oh, Mary Jo, it's
not gonna be so bad.

We're all gonna come over to
your house, and we're gonna sing.



We're gonna eat
and open presents.

I saw that Anheuser
Busch commercial last night.

- Just about killed me.
- Oh, yeah.

You mean the one with
the horse-drawn sleigh

speeding through snowy woods

to the tune of "I'll Be
Home for Christmas"?

Every time I see that, I
lay face-down on my carpet

and sob my guts out.

Charlene, you should have
gone home to Poplar Bluff.

Mary Jo, I got ten
brothers and sisters.

I think Mama and
Daddy'll get by.

Well, I hope you didn't stay
just so I wouldn't be alone.

No, don't be ridiculous.

You know I have to study
for that real estate exam.

By the way, don't
you think Julia knows

this is a piano from Suzanne?

I mean, it's kind
of obvious, isn't it?

[plays notes]

Oh, she knows. She's
just pretending not to.

You know, like a kid that
still wants to believe in Santa.

Oh, that reminds me. I gotta
pick up my costume later.

I'm playing Santa Claus for
all the kids at my church tonight.

[crying]

Oh, honey, what's
the matter now?

Oh, it's nothing.

I don't think Quint
believes in Santa anymore.

I tell you, I cannot
stand shopping.

I'm going this afternoon
with Suzanne, and that's it.

What's the matter?
What happened?

Oh, it's nothing. It's nothing.

I was just... [clears throat]

I'm just a little upset

because Quentin doesn't
believe in Santa Claus anymore.

As a matter of fact, he says he's
gonna prove it once and for all.

He's been up in his room
working on all these traps.

And I'm supposed to
help you put presents out?

I don't like the sound of that.

How come he doesn't
think there is one?

Well, he says that reindeers
couldn't have the staying power

to go all the way around
the world in one night.

Wanted to know if Santa had some
kind of deal with Federal Express.

Well, he's awful
young to be so cynical.

- He's only six.
- Hey, that's not so young.

- I was only three
when I quit believing.
- Oh, somebody told you?

Yeah, my Uncle Willie.

There wasn't enough
money for presents,

so he just came to me and said
that Santa Claus had been stabbed.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, Uncle Willie
didn't have a lot of couth.

Anyway, I was pretty upset.

The next year, I wrote
a letter to the elves.

All I asked for was
a baseball glove,

because I figured that
they had their hands full

with Santa gone and everything.

But I guess Uncle Willie couldn't
get it together that year either,

'cause Christmas Eve, he
came into my room and told me

that the elves had been
killed in a sledding accident.

Anthony, that is the worst
story I have ever heard.

Yeah, I know. He had
the location and everything.

He said it happened
just outside of 7-Eleven.

Elves were scattered everywhere.

Anthony, I don't want
to hear any more.

Anyway, Mary Jo,

children go back and forth
on Santa Claus all the time.

Oh, I know it's silly, and
I guess it wouldn't matter

if they weren't going
away Christmas day.

I understand. Look,
Payne is 20 years old,

and I can't bear the thought
that he's going snow-skiing

instead of coming home.

I mean, every Christmas
just brings out the part of me

that's still the
mother of a little boy

peeking through the
railing on the stairs.

I don't know why
I save this stuff.

Like this old ribbon. I
know I should throw it away,

but I can't. It came on the
handle of his first wagon.

Was it an American Flyer?

I don't know, Charlene. Why?

That was my first one.
I was crazy about it.

Makes me sad the kids
don't want wagons anymore.

You're right. Christmas
isn't what it used to be.

Oh, Julia, don't you want to go
to Phoenix and be with Reese?

No, I want him to have some
time alone with his daughter.

He never gets to see Margaret.

Well, Suzanne
and I were talking,

and I just think
if you stay here,

it'll just make you think of all the
Christmases before Hayden died.

I'm all right. I'm just
feeling a little sentimental.

Anyway, I don't want to
go off and leave Suzanne.

I thought she was going to
Switzerland in the morning.

She was, but somebody got sick,
and everybody else canceled out.

With Mother in Japan,
Suzanne wouldn't have

any family to be with
if I went off to Phoenix.

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you all go to my
grandmother's house in Macon

with me on Christmas Day?

She makes a sweet potato pie
that'll make you slap yo mama.

Oh, Anthony, that's awful sweet.

I'm afraid your Uncle Willie
might tell us some elves stories.

Yeah, and anyway, I
am baking a raccoon,

which is a delicacy
in the Ozarks.

And you are gonna miss out.

Yeah, I'm all broken
up about that, too.

What's more, I think we should
all stop wallowing in self-pity,

and it'll begin with me
playing Santa Claus.

Since our little Quint
thinks he knows everything,

maybe we'll just give
him something to ponder.

Do you mean that you would put
out the presents dressed as Santa?

Sure, why not? I
have the costume.

You say he's gonna be
up anyway, so he'll see me.

You could turn on your bedroom
lights when you want me to come in.

Gee, Charlene, I don't know
if you could do it by yourself.

Quint's got weights
and a bicycle.

Claudia's got a stereo.

She doesn't believe,
but I do hers for fun.

Anthony could help me. You
could dress like Santa's helper.

Oh, it'll be lots of fun.

Hi. What's going on?

[pig grunting]

Y'all didn't want any
more of this, did you?

Good. Here, baby.

[clicking tongue] Look
what Mommy's got.

Suzanne.

Where did you get that pig?

What pig?

Oh, you mean this pig.

Well, you see,

Consuela's entire family has
just arrived from San Salvador

for the holidays.

And, uh, this is
their gift to me.

You know, they're very
big in meat-packing.

Well, anyway, I tried to
board her with a private kennel.

They won't take her,

and neither will the animal
shelter or the dog pound.

And I'm sure not about
to have her slaughtered.

By the way, do
y'all have any idea

how difficult it is to find a
26-inch rhinestone collar?

I cannot believe that
you are walking around

with this big pig on a leash.

Why not? It just fits my mood.

It's the worst
Christmas I ever had.

All my vacation
plans fell through,

and I haven't heard a thing
from any of my ex-husbands,

not even a Christmas card.

Well, how about Hugh?
Aren't you still dating him?

No, not anymore.

He's in intensive care again.

He's always in intensive care,

and I'm just sick
and tired of it.

Suzanne, after all,
he is 80 years old.

Oh, he's just a
big hypochondriac.

Anyway, I was
sitting there last night

feeling sorry for
myself, you know,

and Noel came over

and nudged me
with her little snout.

She is ugly, isn't she?

I am genuinely fond of this pig.

I know it's crazy, and I
can't explain it myself,

yet there it is.

I don't know.

I guess you could say
she was there for me

when I was lonely
and I needed a friend.

Suzanne, as your sister,

I have to tell you one thing.

What's that?

We not taking that pig shopping.

I cannot believe we've been
standing here 15 minutes,

merchandise in hand, and
not one clerk has bothered

to come over and
say, "Can I help you?"

If she sprays me with that
perfume one more time,

she's dead meat.

You know, Julia, you're so
much fun to go shopping with.

Oh, I'm sorry. Since
entering the store,

I have been sprayed four
times by three different people.

I don't want to be sprayed
anymore. I want to be waited on.

- What are you grinning about?
- I just had a great idea.

You know, to kind of
perk up our Christmas.

- You see that Santa Claus
over there?
- Yes.

Well, you know what
you all were telling me

about Anthony and Charlene are
gonna try and outsmart little Quint?

Well, wouldn't it be funny
if we outsmarted them?

- How?
- By hiring our own
Santa Claus.

He could bring our presents
over there on Christmas Eve.

I've already sent
my presents over.

Whatever. It would just be funny
when he ran into Anthony and Charlene.

Suzanne, you're just being silly and
reckless because you're depressed.

Oh, it's gonna be fun.

You'll thank me for this later.

Don't even think about it.

A little something for Santa.

Okay, you guys. It's 10:30.

Y'all better be
getting up to bed,

or Santa sure won't
be stopping be here.

[Quint] Yeah, right.

You want me to help
you dry the dishes?

Oh, I'm all finished. I was
just putting away that food

that Aunt Julia brought
over for tomorrow.

I don't want to go to bed.
Santa Claus isn't gonna know

if I'm asleep or not if I put
pillows under my covers.

You know, Quint, you
better quit being so smart.

You might just outsmart
yourself right out of a bicycle.

Oh, that's all right.

If he wants to get
up later and hide

and try and catch Santa,

I guess there's not a thing
in the world I can do about it.

- But you better
get to bed right now.
- Good night, Mom.

I love you.

I love you, too, sweetie.

I sure am glad I
have the both of you.

- Come on, Quint.
- Good night, Mom.

Good night, baby.

I'm going to bed now, but
I'll only be fake-sleeping.

I'll definitely be
back down. Okay?

Okay.

Good night.

And good luck.

[door closes]

[deep voice] Ho, ho.
Lookee there, little helper.

Isn't that a beautiful tree?

[high-pitched voice] It
sure is, Santa. [giggles]

I bet it would look even
better with a bicycle under it.

- Ooh.
- Well, let's get to work. Ho, ho, ho.

[giggles]

Oh, oh!

[grunts]

[normal voice] Are you
okay? What happened?

- [normal voice] Oh, it's
my ankle. I think it's broken.
- Shh.

- How about you?
- I hurt my neck and my wrist.

Ooh.

I'll help you get out of here.

[high-pitched voice] Oh,
Santa, you're hurting me!

Ho, ho, ho!

Could I be of any help?

Uh, yeah.

I hurt my wrist, Santa,
and I think he broke his foot.

Here, just hang on to me.

I'll help the two of you
out to your car... uh, sleigh.

- Yeah.
- [grunting]

Ho, ho, ho! I find
that if you laugh,

- it makes the pain go away. Ho, ho, ho!
- Ho, ho, ho.

- Is that better?
- Oh, yeah, that's much better.

Are you... Are you
really Santa Claus?

Oh, come on, Charlene,
what are you talking about,

"are you really Santa Claus?"
No kidding, man. Are you?

Quint.

Quint?

Quint, have you seen
the Christmas tree?

What?

Where is the Christmas
tree? And all the presents?

I don't know.

Hey, where's my bicycle?

You saw your bicycle?

Yeah, I rode on it. That was
after the second Santa came in.

The second Santa?

Yeah. The first one
had this big guy with him,

this cool dude
wearing sunglasses.

Just before they
got to the tree,

I pulled my string
and made him fall over.

I didn't mean to hurt Santa.

I just wanted to catch him.

Then I got scared, because
this other Santa came in.

I can't believe there's two.

I guess that's how they can get
to so many houses in one night.

Then what happened?

Well, then he helped
them out to the sled.

I believe in Santa now,
Mom. Both of them.

Well, that's just great, honey.

But you know, you don't have
to see Santa to believe in him.

He's always there in spirit.

Sort of like your presents.

What happened?

What's going on?

Well, from the looks of things,

it seems that we've been robbed.

Merry Christmas.

I can't believe that Santa Claus

took our presents and our food.

Well, I can't believe
it's Christmas Day

and we're sitting around with a
big pig eating coon sandwiches.

Why don't you just
come right out and say it?

- I know y'all hate me.
- I'm just curious.

Didn't you think that
it was a little unwise

to give out my home address

with the fact that my side door
was gonna be open Christmas Eve

to a perfect stranger?

He wasn't a perfect stranger.

He was hired by a
major department store.

He was Santa Claus,
for crying out loud.

If you cannot trust Santa Claus,

who can you trust?

Besides, if you all are gonna
keep badgering me like this,

I'm gonna take Noel and go home.

I know how y'all hate her.

No, actually, we're
getting more fond of Noel.

I mean, the closer
it gets to dinner.

Julia, I mean it. You
better stop talking like that.

Hey, I have an idea.

Since we don't
have any presents,

why don't we just tell
what we got each other?

I mean, they always say it's
the thought that counts, anyway.

That's a good idea.
You go first, Anthony.

Okay. I had Suzanne.

And I got her a new car.

I just feel terrible
that it was stolen.

[Charlene] Come on, be serious.

Okay. I got her some
combs for her hair.

They were gold.

Oh, thank you, Anthony.

Actually, they
were 14 karat gold.

Too bad you'll never see them.
They were really something.

Well, I had Mary Jo's name.

What? Wait a minute.

What about that? I
thought you had Julia's.

Oh, no, that's just
a sister present.

No, in the drawing,
I got your name.

And I got you

a dark green suede
baseball jacket.

Oh, jeez. That sounds great.

Yeah, and it had
matching suede pants, too.

[all] Aww.

Well, I had Charlene's,

and through her brother Robert,

I was able to get her 50
Missouri state lottery tickets,

because I know how
much she likes to play.

Oh, no. I can't believe
it. I'm gonna be sick.

I could've been scratching
numbers off all day.

You know, now
that I think about it,

I think it was more like 75.

Oh, stop, Mary Jo!
You're killing me.

Well, I got Anthony's name,

and I got him an
antique pocket watch.

Oh, man, don't tell me that. I
always wanted one of those.

I know. I heard you say it.

I'm gonna kill that Santa Claus.

- [telephone rings]
- That sucker is dead.

Hello?

Yes. Yes, she is. Suzanne.

Yes. Just a minute.

Come here. It's an
overseas operator.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

I'm sorry, operator,
I can't hear you.

We have a terrible connection.

Yes. Why don't you do that?

- Bye.
- What was that?

Well, it sounded like
Marcy and Blaine,

but there was so much noise,
they're gonna try again later.

Marcy and Blaine?

I thought they canceled
out on Switzerland.

Oh, well, they did.

Uh... oh, well.

Oh, okay, I admit
it. I made that up.

I just didn't want to go
off and leave you all alone

with no family and Mother gone.

Oh, that's so sweet. And she
didn't go to Phoenix because of you.

Charlene.

Julia, you did that for me?

You know I don't like
warm weather at Christmas.

Well, Charlene, you must have
had Julia. What'd you get her?

Oh, I can't say
anything. It's a surprise.

- You mean it wasn't stolen?
- [car door closes]

No, I don't think so.

And maybe that car door slamming

means our luck is looking up.

Parcel post. Merry Christmas.

Oh, Payne!

Oh, I mean, did this kid
have great timing or what?

They just now asked me what
I got your mama for Christmas.

I'm all confused. I
thought you were in Aspen.

Well, I was in Aspen,

but Charlene agreed to pay
half my air ticket to Atlanta,

so I took her up on it.

I offered to pay
your whole ticket.

I know that, Mother.
It's not the same thing.

It's different. This is a
gift from Charlene and me.

A pig?

It's a long, long story.

- I can't believe
you kept it a secret.
- Merry Christmas.

I can't, either. She
didn't even tell me.

I've been about
to bust for weeks.

- Hi, Aunt Suzanne.
- Hi.

You little stinkers,
both of you!

[laughs] Have you eaten?

- No.
- Welcome home. We have raccoon.

♪ I saw Mama ♪

♪ Tickle Santa Claus ♪

♪ Underneath his beard ♪

♪ So snowy white ♪

♪ Oh what a laugh
it would have been ♪

♪ If Daddy had only seen ♪

♪ Mama kissing Santa Claus ♪

♪ Last night ♪

Yay! Mary Jo, I didn't
know you could do that.

Oh, Aunt Helen
made me sing that one

every year at the
old folks' home.

- I bet those poor old people
hated to see me coming.
- [laughing]

Anthony, you've
got a great voice.

- Why don't you try something?
- Maybe I'll do
a little Nat King Cole,

"Chestnuts Roasting
on an Open Fire."

- Oh, good. I love that.
- Hit me with a C, please.

♪♪

♪ Chestnuts roasting ♪

♪ on an open fire ♪

♪ Jack Frost nipping
at your nose ♪

[telephone ringing]

♪ Yuletide carols ♪

♪ Being sung by a choir ♪

Sugarbakers.

Yes, she is. Yes, just a
second. Mary Jo, it's the police.

Great.

Yes? Yes, this is she.

Oh, you're kidding!

Oh, isn't that fantastic?

And he had everything with him?

Oh, thank you so much!

Yes. Merry Christmas.

- They caught him?
- Yes!

They found him in a
motel just outside of town.

And the police are
bringing the presents over!

- Yay!
- Right now?

Yes, that's what he said.

Oh, Charlene, I have a
little confession to make.

About those lottery tickets.

I think it was more
like 50, not 75.

I just wanted your present
to be as big as possible.

Mary Jo, that's okay.

Uh, Suzanne, about those combs.

They weren't actually gold.

They're more like... golden.

Would y'all listen
to yourselves?

It doesn't make any difference
what we gave each other.

You know, I've been thinking.

We've been acting
a little bit childish

about things that
didn't measure up

to Christmases past.

Have we forgotten
how lucky we are

to have had those
Christmases in the first place?

You're right.

I mean, no matter how old I get,

nothing's ever gonna
measure up to my entire family

sitting in front of a big
fire on Christmas Eve,

singing "Silent Night."

Daddy reading from the Bible,

Harold Thomas
sitting on his lap.

Me on one side,
Mama on the other.

I just have to be
grateful I had that.

Nothing's ever gonna
be greater than that.

Except maybe Heaven.

Anthony, you're crying.

I know.

I thought you were gonna
tell one of those stories

about your daddy not
being able to get a bank loan,

and it got to me before I
realized you were on another track.

I know I'm especially grateful

to have my son here
on Christmas Day,

whose eyes I can look into

and still see his father.

I'm grateful to Charlene
for making that possible.

And to Suzanne,

for turning down a
vacation in Switzerland

just to hear me play the piano.

And I'm grateful that I
have a friend like Mary Jo,

who cries because her little boy

doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

And I'm also grateful that I
know somebody like Anthony,

who is such a good
sport about breaking a leg.

Julia, you're
starting to sound like

the Piano Lady at the
Holiday Inn Tap Room.

I know. It's Christmas,
and I can't help myself.

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ For Christmas ♪

♪ You can plan ♪

♪ On me ♪

[all singing] ♪
Please have snow ♪

♪ And mistletoe ♪

♪ And presents ♪

♪ On the tree ♪

♪ Christmas Eve ♪

♪ Will find me ♪

♪ Where ♪

♪ The love light gleams ♪

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ For Christmas ♪

♪ If only ♪

♪ In my dreams ♪

[Suzanne] Now play
"The First Noel" for my pig.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Christmas Eve ♪

♪ Will find me ♪

♪ Where ♪

♪ The love light gleams ♪

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ For Christmas ♪