Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 11 - Howard the Date - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Julia] Charlene, is
there some special reason

you put all these old
magazines on my desk?

Oh, yeah. I was cleaning
out the store room

when I started
reading some of them.

I marked the articles
that made me mad.

And why are you
giving them to me?

I was kind of hoping
you'd call the editors.

You can do that sort of
thing a lot better than I can.

You mean, you
actually want me to call

these magazines in New York?



Well, yeah. Why not?

Um, I'll pay for it.

Like, in this article,
they're writing about

all the Southern
presidential candidates

and the New South,

and how "being from there
now is a lot more palatable

to the rest of the nation,"

and how "things have improved

"since many people
who live there now

were neither born
nor educated there."

Can you believe that?

How insulting can you get?

Can you imagine that magazine
saying that about New York City

and getting away with it?



Let's face it.

Most people think that anybody

with a Southern
accent is stupid.

They're still watching
Dukes of Hazzard reruns

because they
don't want to believe

that Billy Bob can talk good.

Who's Billy Bob?

Never mind.

I understand your point,

but the truth is
some of us are hicks.

And just how do
you define "hicks"?

I'll tell you what a hick is.

A hick is somebody who
lives on a rural highway

that has a sign out
on their front yard

that says "VCR
Rentals and Live Bait."

What does that mean?

I guess it means
you can drive up

and get a cassette of Top
Gun and bucket of minnows.

Julia, who are you calling?

Calling the editor,
like you asked.

They got an 800 number here.

Julia, I can't believe
you're so easy.

Why not? I got
15 minutes to kill.

Might as well have
an editor for breakfast.

Hello. Good morning.

Editorials, please. Thank you.

Yes. I'm calling
about an article

that was in your
August 4th issue.

Oh, no one is in yet?

Hmm. Well, I'd just like to
leave a message, then, please.

Just say that Julia
Sugarbaker called from Atlanta.

You know, the one that burned.

We've rebuilt since the war,

and it's actually quite
pleasant down here.

Some of us are even
managing to hold down jobs

and find our way home at night

in spite of being born
and educated here.

And I'd like to
elaborate on that point

if someone will just be
so kind as to call me back.

404-555-8600. Thank you.

That was good. I liked that.

[phone ringing]

[Charlene] Julia, I bet
that's that magazine.

Sugarbaker's.

Yes, this is the designing firm.

Why, hi, Howard!

How are you?

Oh, isn't that nice?

How long are you
going to be here?

Howard, just a second. Hang on.

Our other line's
ringing. Just a second.

You're never going
to believe who this is.

- Howard.
- Howard.

You heard me say that, but
you'll never guess Howard who.

This is just
absolutely incredible.

- Howard Hughes.
- No, silly.

Howard from The Love Boat.

You remember the
cruise we went on?

The little guy with
the nosebleed?

Oh, my gosh. What does he want?

I'll tell you what he wants.

He's looking for me.

He followed me all over
that ship like a lovesick puppy.

Don't tell him I'm
here, Charlene.

Tell him I've, uh,
moved out of state.

Howard, if you're
looking for Suzanne,

she's moved out of state.

Suzanne Sugarbaker.

You don't remember her?

Mary Jo? Yeah,
she still works here.

I think.

Uh, Howard, just a second.
Let me check on that.

We've expanded our
personnel recently.

Just a minute.

Mary Jo, he's looking for you.

- No!
- Yes.

No! I don't want to talk to him.

I don't have anything
to say to him.

- Let him talk to Julia.
- Oh, no.

I'm getting tired of y'all referring
all your phone calls to me.

Oh, all right. I'll talk to him.

He wasn't that bad.

Howard, I'm sorry to
keep you waiting so long.

Uh, Mary Jo went home.

- Sick.
- Sick.

Well, I don't know
when she'll be in again.

- [whispers] Never.
- Maybe never.

She looked real bad.

Our address? Well... Why?

Howard?

Call me psychic, but I
get the distinct impression

he's coming over.

Well, that's it for me.

If y'all need me,
I'll be at home,

working on my sketches.

Mary Jo, can't you at
least stay and talk to him?

He just wants to say hi.

No. I don't want to
say "hi" to Howard.

I talked to Howard
enough on the boat,

and most of it was about
how his chronic nosebleed

has affected his life.

I thought he told me
he was from Cincinnati.

- What's he doing here?
- He says he's visiting
his parents.

Who is this person anyway?

I don't remember
anybody named Howard.

Oh, sure you do.
He's this little nerd

who was always hanging
around me asking for Kleenex.

Suzanne, he wasn't always hanging
around you. He was hanging around Mary Jo.

Well, I don't care who he was hanging
around or who he's coming to see.

I don't plan to be here.

Too late. He's out front.

What? How'd he get here so fast?

Well, I don't know,
Mary Jo. He's so loaded

down with tissue, maybe
the wind blew him here.

Oh, shoot! Uh...

Uh, Julia, I need you to say that
I've got to run an errand for you.

Uh, real soon. And make it
sound real important, okay?

- [huffs]
- [door opens]

- Hello! [laughs]
- Howard.

So nice to see you. We
were just talking about you.

I'll bet.

How'd you get here so
fast? We just hung up.

I was just down the block. I
was calling from a payphone.

I always do that when I'm going to see
a woman. Otherwise, they try to escape.

- Well, uh, come in.
- Oh.

We haven't seen
you since the cruise.

Yeah, I know. Long time, no see.

Oh, darn it! I had a better
line than that, and I forgot it.

I believe you remember
Julia and Suzanne...

Oh, you know, I... I don't believe
I ever knew your last name.

Head.

Howard Head?

Yes, I know. It's
dumb, isn't it?

But if I use my middle
name, it'll even be worse.

- What is it?
- Earp.

- You mean like in Wyatt?
- Yeah.

It was my mother's maiden name,
but we're not related to him or anything.

So your name's Howard Earp Head?

Yes, that's right.

Now you're getting some idea
how far I started in the hole.

Well, we understand that
you're here visiting your parents.

Yes, that's partially true, but
I'm also here for my class reunion.

I went to school
right here in Atlanta.

This one'll be 15 years.

Oh, Mary Jo, I almost forgot.

I need you to run that
errand for me by noon.

Oh, what a shame. You
know, gee, I just got here.

Do you mind my
asking, is it important?

Yes, it is. She has to take some
oxygen to my mother at the nursing home.

Oh, I can take you.

My car's right outside.
It's a Trans Am.

It's got flames
painted on the hood.

As a matter of fact, I bought
it from a hood. [chuckles]

That's okay. I've
decided not to go now.

It can wait till
tomorrow. Right, Julia?

Oh, sure.

She can just open a
window or something.

You guys are running a
scam on me, aren't you?

Why, Howard, what
makes you think that?

Well, just women have a way
of giving each other little signals

when they want to get
rid of me. [chuckling]

I mean, I've had a problem
with women all my life.

And this was even before
my nose started bleeding.

If you don't mind my asking... I
know it's none of my business,

but isn't there anything you
can do about that nose thing?

No, no. It's a rare and chronic
disorder aggravated by altitude.

But we're not even high up.

Yeah, I know. I don't
understand it myself.

I don't know. Maybe my nose
is just too high for my body.

Anyway, this is not exactly the
conversation I had envisioned us having.

Oh, well, that's
all right, Howard.

We don't need to talk.

Gee, it's just been
great seeing you again.

Oh, thank you, thank you. Well, I
guess it's time to ask the big question.

Will you go with me
to my class reunion?

Howard, why me?
I hardly know you.

I know. I thought that's
why maybe you would go.

Well, gee, I really appreciate
it, but I date someone.

Well, that's okay. I mean, I
promise I'll never bother you again.

This is a one-time deal. Please? You
don't know how much this means to me.

I mean, all through school,
they made fun of me.

And then, at my 10-year
reunion, I didn't even have a date.

And then, when I met
you on that cruise ship,

oh, and I found
out you lived here,

I've been thinking
about it for weeks.

I mean, you are my ideal woman.

You've got everything.
You're great-looking,

you're funny, you're sweet.

And I've just been waiting
to stick it to those people

for such a long, long time!

Howard, stop, really.

You're just going
about this all wrong.

I mean, going to a high school reunion
with me isn't going to change your life.

Look, just don't say no yet.

Please, just promise
me you'll think about it.

Oh, and I insist on paying you.

Yes! Not that that would obligate
you to anything besides a date.

However, I would make
the check out for more

if you just told them
that you had sex with me.

But you'd only have to say that
to certain people I have on a list.

Howard, I don't want your money.

You'd be my date for free?

Yes, of course. I mean, if I
was going to be your date.

But I can't, really.
I mean, that's nuts.

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll just
shift over to plan B.

What is plan B?

Plan B is I kill myself.

[Mary Jo] I told him a hundred
times I can't go to the reunion,

and he just won't
take no for an answer.

Well, no wonder. You had lunch
with him. You're still encouraging him.

I'm not encouraging him. I'm
just trying to let him down easy.

I don't want to contribute
to him killing himself.

Well, I think he's just
manipulating you, Mary Jo.

Whether he does or doesn't do
away with himself is no fault of yours.

And anyway, what kind of a person would
hold a thing like that over your head?

Furthermore, who is Howard?

You remember, Julia. He's that little
guy from the cruise with the nosebleed.

He dropped by
here a few days ago.

I know that, Charlene.

But who is he? I mean, we
don't even know this person.

Mary Jo's taking him to lunch,
and his life is in our hands.

It is kind of disgusting how he rolls that
Kleenex and keeps it jammed up there.

I mean, no wonder
he can't get a date.

What does Howard
do for a living?

He is a domestic engineer.

He designs things
like, uh, can openers.

You would think he could make some
kind of little nose guard for himself.

Well, I've got to give him
my final answer by 4:00.

Your final answer?
You told him no 50 times.

Yeah, I know. But at lunch,

he kind of started
crying a little.

I mean, I think he was
crying. It was hard to tell

with all that tissue
stuck all over his face.

But I think he was crying.

I just hate it when men cry.
Especially on the first date.

If you need me, I'll
be in the storeroom.

I was just thinking about
this time in 7th grade.

You know, I was just at
that gangly awkward time

when you're all teeth and ears.

- Remember that stage?
- No.

How about all
teeth and knockers?

- [Charlene] Mary Jo!
- It was just a joke.

Anyway, I'll never
forget how that felt.

I was so humiliated.

Nobody asked me to
the Valentine's dance.

Y'all ever feel like that?

Well, I did. I was about a foot
taller than every boy in my class.

Nobody would nominate
me for queen of anything

'cause they were afraid they
couldn't reach me to crown me.

Howard. You weren't
supposed to come until 4:00.

Yeah, I know. I just
wanted to apologize.

Oh, well, in that case,
we should be going.

Why? I mean, you
know the whole story.

You women tell
each other everything.

I've stood naked
before you all week.

Why close your eyes now?

Well, he makes a
good point. We'll stay.

Why are you apologizing, Howard?

Well... Oop. Got another one.

Come on in.

It's kind of like
a feeding frenzy.

Women can just smell it

when a man's about ready
to put his guts out on the table.

I thought we did that already,
Howard. There's more?

Yes. I also wanted
to say good-bye.

Good-bye? I thought
the reunion was Saturday.

Well, it is, but I've
decided not to go.

- Because of me?
- No. Because of me.

I'll try and make this as
brief as I possibly can,

because I know you girls
are running a business here,

and the personal problems
of some half-baked flunky

you met on a singles cruise
are not exactly top priority.

You're very perceptive.

Thank you.

Anyway, I don't know
if I'm getting older,

wiser or just plain fed up,

but all of a sudden,
I don't care anymore

what the class of
'72 thinks about me.

I've blown this thing
way out of proportion

because I wanted to
impress a bunch of people

who've been putting me
down since grade school.

I guess it's just been a
lifelong dream to show them.

And not just for me,

but for all those kids everywhere
who couldn't make the cut.

Football, basketball,
cheerleading, band...

Band? You knew someone
who couldn't make band?

Oh, I'm sorry. Go on.

I just wanted to do
it for all those kids

on the sidelines of life.

Sometimes in my
dreams, I can see myself

making that
fourth-quarter touchdown,

and they're just
chanting my name.

Well, Mary Jo was going
to be my touchdown.

But I realize now
that's just a lie.

The kind of lie people invent
to hide their own inadequacies.

And the truth lies
buried somewhere deep

within each of us.

I mean, that's the
great leveler, isn't it?

That's what makes
us all the same...

The big man on
campus and the creep.

As long as I know that
I'm not what they think,

what difference does it make?

Howard, you gotta stop.
I can't take anymore.

Especially that part about the
kid who couldn't make band.

Me, too.

I knew this boy, Joe Rifkin.

He had a very bad
stuttering problem,

and all the kids were
always laughing at him.

And then he was
killed in Vietnam.

Oh, that's so sad.

This has got me thinking
about Marvin Zellers.

[sniffles]

He always wore clear fingernail
polish and a scarf on his head.

Somebody beat him up every day.

When I think of the pain
that kid went through...

You know, I've never
told anyone this before,

but, you know, my parents
didn't have the money

to buy me a formal
for my senior prom.

And Mama was having Virgil at the
time, so she couldn't make me one.

So Daddy went to Corning, this
town about 30 miles from Poplar Bluff,

and he bought me a dress
at a secondhand store.

It was mint green.
It was beautiful.

I didn't know where it came
from till I went to the prom,

and Carol Belford's rich
cousin from Corning was there.

She told everyone that...
That it was her old dress.

I never told Mama or Daddy.

But I wanted to die.

I just wanted to die.

If we only realized how much we
hurt each other when we're young.

Yeah.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if
everyone could feel special just once?

I mean, wouldn't it be great if
everyone, just once in their life,

could walk out on a stage and
get a five-minute standing ovation?

You know? Or,
sometimes, I've even thought

you could have, like,
a little applause box.

You know, keep it on your dresser.
I mean, Howard, you're an engineer.

You could make one, you know? And
then any time you're down, you know,

you could just open
it and stand there

and listen to all the
cheering and "bravos."

Yeah.

Cheers and "bravos"
are important. Aren't they?

♪♪ [pop]

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪

- ♪ I never understood
a single word he said ♪
- Howard!

- You have to register
over here.
- Okay.

♪ Yes, he always had
a mighty fine wine ♪

I knew I shouldn't have
come to this reunion.

In a weak moment, I
felt sorry for Howard.

But this can only cause trouble.

I can already feel the
wives getting mad at me

just 'cause their
husbands are staring.

Oh, hey, Julia, you want
to get a cola at the bar?

Julia, what's the
matter with you?

Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking
I can't believe

I'm at a class of '72
high school reunion

with 250 people I have
never seen before in my life,

accompanied by a man
I met on a singles cruise.

I mean, somewhere along the way,

my life has gotten off course.

♪♪ [slow tempo]

So, uh, how long have
you known Howard?

Oh, long enough. I'm
crazy about him. We all are.

- "We"?
- Yeah, that woman
he's with right there,

and those two women over there.

[chuckling] What, are you all
related to Howard or something?

Oh, no. We date him.

Sometimes one at a
time, sometimes as a unit.

Just depends on his mood.

"His mood." [clears throat]

So who's this guy
coming towards us?

I don't know. It's hard
to... Oh, no. It's Doug Latrill.

I hate this guy's guts. He
drove a Jag in high school,

and he was always
making fun of my name.

Hey, Earp-man!

How's it going, guy?
You're looking swell.

Oh! Got you some new
Kleenex and everything.

Yeah. How you doing, Doug?

Let me introduce you
to one of my dates.

- This is Mary Jo Shively.
- How do you do?

One of your dates.
That's very funny, E. Head.

A guy like you has got
to have a sense of humor.

Gets you through
the rough spots, huh?

Excuse me just a
second. Charlene!

Julia, Suzanne, would you
come over here a second?

I want to introduce you
to one of Howard's oldest

and dearest
friends, Doug Latrine.

- Latrill.
- Excuse me.

These are Howard's other dates,
Charlene, Suzanne and Julia.

[Charlene, Suzanne, Julia] Hi.

Okay. I give. You
rented them, right?

Are you implying
that we look rented?

- No, I didn't mean that.
- Well, then, what did you mean?

Well, you... you have to
admit it's a little unusual.

Well, Howard's a
very unusual guy.

Aside from dating four
women at the same time,

he has a very
exciting design job

with a top engineering
firm in Cincinnati.

He's changing the face of
tomorrow. What do you do, Doug?

Well, I, uh, sell tires.

[Howard, Women] Oh.

That must be very interesting.

It is.

If you'll excuse me.

You guys are great.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[laughter]

Oh, sure. I like
Atlanta in the winter,

but next year I think I'll
take my girlfriends skiing.

Isn't it nice to see someone like
Howard just blossom in one night?

I wouldn't exactly
call it blossoming.

I think it's more
something like "puffing up."

I think so, too.

We've created the
ego that ate Atlanta.

I've had about all this reunion I can
take. Somebody's got to get me home.

Julia, we can't leave now. Think
how it would look for Howard.

Charlene, I don't care
anymore how it looks for Howard.

It's 1:00 in the morning. This is probably
the oddest thing that I have ever done.

Especially for somebody
I don't even know.

Well, I think you
could act a little happier

that we're making
Howard's dream come true.

The other day, you were
so touched, you cried.

Yes, but it's been hard to maintain
that emotional bond with a person who,

for the past two hours,
has publicly referred to me

as one of his chicks.

Well, it certainly is the
nicest thing I've ever done.

I'm torn.

I mean, I don't have to get credit
for the good deeds, you know.

But, on the other hand,
I'd just die of humiliation

if anyone found out I'd been out on a
date with three other women and a dork.

[sighs] Look, Mary Jo, you're
the lead person in this harem.

Why don't you go over
there and get Howard,

your boyfriend, and tell
him we want to go home?

All right.

[Man] You really date
each one of them?

Well, Bob, let me illuminate it
for you a little differently, if I may.

- How's that?
- Well, I have had,
shall we say,

my way with all of
them. [chuckling]

Okay, Howard.

That's it. Let's go.

Oh, Mary Jo, baby. I didn't
see you standing there.

I am not your baby,
it is after midnight,

and you just turned into a frog.

- Oh!
- Let's go.

You see what I mean, guys?
She can't wait to get me home.

You are going to be punished.

Ooh, I love it! I love
it! See you in ten years.

Oh! Here we go. Head 'em up!

Move 'em out! Rawhide! Yippee!

Nerds for president!

[Mary Jo] Did y'all ever
hear from that magazine?

No, we didn't. You know, with Howard
and everything, I forgot all about it.

So did I. Maybe
Howard was right.

Maybe Southerners and nerds,

as you all would call them,
have something in common.

So long as we know we're
not what they think we are,

what difference does it make?

Speaking of Howard,
this package is from him.

- Just one?
- Yes. Why?

[clicks tongue] Well, if he had
any class, he'd send us each a gift.

You know, at least a
small little piece of jewelry.

Suzanne, this is a guy
who designs can openers.

He can't afford to send small
pieces of jewelry. What's the card say?

"Dear Charlene, Julia, Suzanne

"and especially Mary Jo,

"I'm sorry if I was obnoxious.

"I was drunk with
glory. [chuckles]

"Hope you like the
enclosed. I designed it myself.

"You were my inspiration.

"Thanks for giving
me my touchdown.

"Now here's your
standing ovation.

Love, your date, Howard."

- [applause] - [Men
shouting] Bravo!

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA