Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 1 - 101 Ways to Decorate a Gas Station - full transcript

♪♪

Good morning.

Where is everybody?

Julia's at the bank,

Anthony's still in
Alabama visiting his family,

and Charlene had an
appointment with her psychic.

Again? I thought she
just went last week.

She did. She goes every week.

Myself, I don't understand
planning your future

around a person who
calls herself Tova of Biloxi.

Well, I never
believed in that stuff.



If I want something to happen,

I just go out and
make it happen.

Then, if for some reason
it still doesn't happen,

well, I just pretend
that didn't happen.

That way, I'm
never disappointed.

That's because you haven't
seen the receipts this month.

We're going to be
lucky to break even,

Y'all are never gonna
believe that happened.

Let me guess.

The incredible Tova has told you

who you're going to marry.

How did you know that?

I'm psychic.

Oh, all right. I admit
she's told me that before,



but this time she
was still specific.

Oh, I don't know.

I think Desi Arnaz
Jr. Was pretty specific.

Desi Arnaz Jr. Was
only a possibility.

This was the most powerful
session we've ever had.

So who's the lucky groom?

Well, very soon I'm
going to meet someone

who's a diamond in the rough.

And at first I'm going to think
he's completely sickening,

but I shouldn't
reject him right away

because the more
I get to know him,

the more I'll fall
in love with him.

And then, when the time is
right, we're gonna get married.

Well, that sounds reasonable.

All you have to do

is look around for a
really repulsive guy.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's not all.

He has the initials E.A.,

and he has a mole
on his right cheek.

How's that for
going out on a limb?

How'd it go at the bank, Julia?

Don't ask. The
bank isn't interested

in extending our loan,
and on top of that,

I had to be insulted
in the parking lot

by a bunch of rude and
vulgar adolescent cretins.

- What did they say?
- Who?

The adolescent cretins.

It doesn't matter
what they said.

They said what they always say.

Well, I know, but
just out of curiosity,

what was it?

All right, Charlene.
If you must know,

they said, "Say, Mama, sure
would like to be your daddy.

Mm-mm. Got to
have me some of that."

- Okay.
- Okay.

But that isn't important.

While I was waiting at the bank,

I saw something in the paper
that gave me an idea for us.

Now come over here and listen.

There's this car
dealer in Atlanta

who's giving away a Rolls Royce.

"The winner of the car
is Mr. Rusty Rexrote,

"who is a fine
and amiable fellow

"except for one minor flaw...

He happens to be a dog."

Is there a point to this?

Yes, if you'll
just let me finish.

"However, local auto
dealer Big John Wagster

"is not upset since the
story got wide coverage

"on most Georgia news stations,

"and now he says
people are coming

"from as far away as Valdosta

to buy a new car."

You know what amazes
me about this story

is, first of all,
that you read it.

Secondly, just the idea

that people will come
someplace to buy a car

just because a dog
won a car there...

I mean, doesn't that amaze you?

I mean, does a
husband say something

like "Say, Edna, when it's
time to trade in our Buick,

I want to go where
that dog won his car"?

Don't you see?

Big John is on to
something here.

Julia, we can't give
away a Rolls Royce.

No, but there is something
we could give away.

It wouldn't cost us
very much, either.

We could offer a free makeover

of a room in somebody's home,

and all they have to do to win

is come over here to
Sugarbaker's and register.

Then we could have
this big sale going with it.

Come on. I know we
can do the work for free,

but how will we get the money
to pay for all that furniture?

We just have to
be very enterprising.

We can do this,

and we'll get the newspapers

to follow this story
in their Style sections.

You know they can do
"before" and "after" pieces.

Now, the first order of
business is to find out

how much money we have
in the advertising budget.

Oh, that's easy. I've
just been working on it.

Nothing.

Fine. We'll start from there.

Charlene, where have you been?

It's past time for this drawing.

I know. I was picking
up more entry cards.

I dropped a bunch off

at liquor stores and
dry cleaners and stuff.

Charlene, I don't
think that was wise.

We were supposed to limit it

to people who actually
came into Sugarbaker's.

Come on, Julia, they're waiting.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your
attention, please?

The moment we've
all been waiting for

has finally arrived.

I know I can hardly wait

to meet that lucky individual

whose chosen room
we're going to redecorate

from top to bottom.

Charlene, would you
like to do the honors?

Okay, I'll just stir
them up a little bit.

I saw a drawing where
two entry cards were picked

because they accidentally
got stuck together.

The two winners
got down on the floor

and just beat the
tar out of each other.

Just draw one, please.

And the lucky winner
is number 1497...

"Mr. Eldon Ashcroft IV."

Right here. I'm Eldon Ashcroft.

You know, a lot of history
goes with this building.

It's either the
first or the second

Esso station in Atlanta.

And then, of course,

I've got your basic
conveniences over here

in various and sundry cabinetry.

I'll just step outside

and let you ladies get
your game plan together.

Uh, you know, I don't
mean to be pushy,

but I would like to
fill that bookcase

with the Encyclopedia
Britannica.

Volumes A through Z,
if it's within your budget.

If not, A through M.

Well, if anybody needs
to use the restroom,

it's outside.

You mean an outhouse?

No, just outside.

Watch yourself
on the front porch.

It's wired for high voltage

to keep the salespeople out.

Right. Thank you.

Well... seems like
a real stable guy.

I don't know about you all,

but I say we buy
him off and torch it.

We can't do that.

The Atlanta Journal
is going to be here

with a photographer any minute.

How would it look if
we backed out now?

Look, I know it's my fault.

I thought the whole idea
was to get the public involved.

Charlene, this man
is not the public.

This man left the
public a long time ago.

This man has not had a bath

since Dwight
Eisenhower was President.

He has such a neat name, too.

Eldon Ashcroft.

E.A.

Charlene.

Mary Jo, did he have
a mole on his face?

I don't know. I don't remember.

You were standing
closest to him.

Try and remember. Did
he have a mole on his face?

- I don't know.
- But you have to.

The rest of my
life depends on it.

Am I missing something here?

Oh, Charlene's psychic told her

she's going to marry
a repulsive man

- who has a mole.
- And with the initials E.A.

If he has a mole
on his right cheek,

I swear I'll kill myself.

Charlene.

Stop that. That's ridiculous.

Now come on. There's
work to be done here,

and we're gonna do it,

just like we promised.

Matter of fact, I'm not so sure

that this is such a
bad deal after all.

Looks like a pretty
bad deal to me.

If you can put a
happy face on this one,

I will eat that sofa.

Well, maybe not that sofa.

Look, we can call this

the toughest
redecorating job in Atlanta,

and if we bring it
off, we'll be heroes.

We'll get more
publicity than ever.

Excuse me.

I left my cigarette
butts in here.

Excuse me, Mr. Ashcroft.

I just need to check something.

Oh, my gosh, you have
a mole on your face!

Yeah. I was gonna
have it removed,

but the guy at the free clinic
said it might be dangerous.

Oh, I don't believe it.

It's on the right cheek.

Look, there it is
right there, right there.

I'm so sorry. She had
a very bad experience

with a mole as a child.

It's today. It won't hurt you.

It's easy for you to say.
You don't have to marry him.

Julia, I just cannot believe

you are going to let
this person sleep here.

Well, Suzanne, what
would you suggest?

We have to fumigate.

He won't go to a motel.

I just can't believe
he was that worried

about breaking a lifetime record

or never having
stayed in a motel.

Especially if we pay for it.

I just can't believe
I have to marry him.

Charlene, will you
stop saying that?

You do not have
to marry this person.

In fact, I forbid it, all right?

Where do you want my luggage?

Put it over there.

We'll... We'll get out now

so you can get ready for bed.

That's okay. I'm ready now.

Well, we'll be going.

Julia, I want you to
deadbolt that upstairs door.

Before he goes to sleep,
I want you to take this can

and spray a big
circle around him...

Kind of a ring of Lysol.

All right.

Well, good night, all.

Charlene, aren't you coming?

Oh, I'm just going to stay here

and chat with Eldon
for a few minutes.

All right. See you
in the morning.

Good night, Eldon.

Good night. Don't
let the bedbugs bite.

Yes.

And may you also
be so fortunate.

Well, Eldon,

why don't you tell me a
little bit about yourself?

It's kind of my hobby
meeting new people.

You know, I just
find it fascinating,

things like whether people
have ever been married before.

Nope. Never married.

Had any diseases?

I mean, I just love to
trace family illnesses.

No. Healthy as a horse.

The guy at the free clinic

says I've built my own
special kind of immunity.

In fact, he says a
bath could kill me.

Uh...

you, uh, you ever had
any women in your life?

Oh, sure. I've known
a lot of women.

Oh. Well, that's good.

Yeah. I've ridden
with them on buses

and seen them in the
park and church and stores,

passed them on city streets.

Yes, sir. I've... I've known
a lot of women in my time.

And they've all been wonderful.

Yes, well, I had to
nix a fabric sample

for the sofa today.

It simply wasn't me.

But I'll be looking at
some new ones tomorrow.

- Who's that?
- That's the Atlanta Journal.

Oh. Before?

Well, they'll have
to take it up again.

Too noisy. I don't like
to hear myself walk.

It spooks me.

We've created a monster.

I'm going to get him to
select something today

if it kills me.

I've decided to use
a new approach.

What's that?

I'm not going to
scream or choke him.

Yes, well, it's
always a pleasure

to talk to the press.

No, any time.

Bye.

Mr. Ashcroft, we have
some new wallpaper books

to show you today,

and we truly need your
approval on something,

or we won't be able to get it up

in time for the
newspaper picture.

I thought we already had
our picture in the paper.

That was the "before" picture.

We're talking about
the "after" picture now.

You see, Eldon,
we're on a deadline,

and time is money,
and we just can't keep

changing our minds
about everything.

Look, what they're trying to say

is you've got to make a decision

and stick with it, okay?

Suzanne, I can handle this.

Now, this is the wallpaper
we would like for you to use.

I know that the other
wallpaper made you dizzy...

I don't like it.

I beg your pardon.

It doesn't have any
red, white, or blue in it.

I told you I wanted something

to go with the American flag.

Yes, I know, but
we've been all over that.

We cannot decorate
around the American flag.

Why not?

Because no one puts a flagpole

in the middle of the room.

Why not?

Because it would look odd.

But I thought

that the customer
was always right.

Well, you were mistaken.

That was two weeks,
three wallpapers,

two floor coverings, 11 sofas,

four end tables,
and 16 lamps ago!

We are no longer interested

in what the customer
thinks or wants,

and furthermore,
there is not going to be

a vibrating bed with a paybox

or a revolving screen
lamp with a camp scene.

Not as long as the
name Sugarbaker

rests on this project.

Not now, not ever!

Do you understand?

Yes, I think I do!

- Where are you going?
- Home!

You can't go home.
We're fumigating again.

I thought you already did that.

We did, but now we
have to kill all the stuff

that showed up after
the first stuff died.

Well, then I'll just go, period.

Fine. Why don't
you just do that?

Julia. Eldon, now, please,

don't go off half-cocked
and talk to the newspapers.

We can discuss this calmly.

There is nothing to discuss.

It will be a cold day in May

before I fill out another
one of your entry cards.

Wonderful. We'd
like that in writing.

Goodbye, good luck,
and here is your luggage.

Well, everything's fantastic.

Who's Suzanne talking to?

- I know you have a deadline...
- The newspaper.

As soon as Eldon gets
back from the golf course,

I'll have him call you.

Right. Bye.

- Golf?
- What was I supposed to say?

That Julia told him off,

and now he's passed
out on our sofa?

I know. It's all my fault.

Another day wasted.

I said I was going to
lose my temper today.

It's okay, it's okay.

Let's face it.

Eldon has beaten us.

He is a better man than we are.

You're never gonna
believe what just happened.

Charlene, where have you
been? You left hours ago.

I've been with Tova.

What's wrong with Eldon?

Is that a serious question?

Oh, Julia told him off again,

and he went on a little bender,

and we've just all
been sitting around here

trying to figure out how
to get out of this disaster

without having to move away
and have sex change operations.

You're just never gonna
believe what I found out.

You know, I've
been beside myself

thinking that I might be
supposed to marry Eldon,

so I decided to see
Tova one more time

to recheck everything.

- You know what she told me?
- We give.

The mole on E.A.'s cheek

is not on his face.

You get it?

No.

Think about it.

I don't want to think about it.

Well, Julia, we have to.

I cannot live another day

thinking that Eldon and I...

Look, I know you
think this is stupid,

but I take this stuff seriously.

I got to put this thing to rest.

Just exactly what
would this involve?

Well, one of us
will have to peek

at his cheek.

So to speak.

One of us?

Well, come on,
you got to help me.

If I could just know
there's no mole there,

I could go to sleep tonight.

But if I look in
Eldon's pants, I can't.

Charlene, I cannot
believe that Sugarbaker's

is standing on the
precipice of total oblivion,

and all you can think
is whether some bum

has a birthmark on his buttock.

That's right.

Besides, I don't even want

to drive by Eldon
on the freeway.

I'm certainly not going
to look down his slacks.

Fine. Fine.

You won't help me? That's fine.

I will do it myself.

It's nice to know
who your friends are.

The least you can do
is help me roll him over.

Oh, all right!

If this will be the end
of it once and for all.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Okay, well, I'll...
I'll just undo his belt

and his whatever, you know,

and we'll just roll him over,

and I'll hold his pants up,

and you can look real quick.

It's no big deal.

It's just like giving
somebody a shot.

Oh, no.

I've seen shots given before.

It's nothing like this.

Julia, what have
you got those on for?

You don't think I'm actually
going to touch those clothes,

do you?

All right.

All right, I'll roll him over.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Just wait a minute.

Now... Now I'm
going to roll him over,

and then you give me
some slack in his pants,

and I'll yank them down halfway,

and you peek as
fast as you can, okay?

Julia, I just wish you
could see yourself.

Oh, w-wait. He's waking
up. He's waking up.

What are you doing?

Don't be alarmed. We're
not going to harm you.

Are you going to cook me?

Now, everything's going
to be all right, Eldon.

You just go back to sleep, okay?

Okay.

Let's get this thing over with.

Hey, what's going on?

I... I was on my way
home from the airport,

and I thought I'd stop by

and see if you needed anything,

but I can see you ladies have
the situation under control,

so I'm going to just be going.

Oh, Anthony, Anthony,
we're glad to see you.

Why?

Because you're a
man, and we need one.

Well, what's the matter
with the one you got?

Anthony, it would take
far too long to explain,

but basically, we've
ruined the business

and taken up with this
person since you've been gone.

I know it looks bad.

I'm gonna have to agree
with you on that one.

Oh, Anthony, but you could
make everything all better

if you just do me this
one tiny little favor.

It'll just take a few seconds.

And you can wear Julia's gloves.

Well, I don't know why,

but I just don't like
the sound of that.

Anthony, I just can't
thank you enough

for what you did tonight.

I know it sounds silly,

but just knowing that
Eldon doesn't have a mole,

I feel like I can start
my life over again.

That does sound silly.

Well... I guess I'll
just go on home now.

I'm sorry I caused
you so much trouble.

I... I know I was
stubborn and contrary,

but I was told that the
customer was always right.

Have any of you ever
heard of Mr. O. Henry?

Why do you want to know?

Well, he didn't like it

that they published
that social roster

of the 400 in New York City,

so he wrote a story
called "The Four Million."

O. Henry said that
everybody is worth knowing.

I kind of like that.

My soul, he read O. Henry.

No, actually, I read it in
the Trailways newsletter.

I have a subscription.

Oh, Eldon, I
could just kiss you.

I mean, I won't, but I could.

You know, and... and...

Even though you've been
nothing but trouble to us,

I just want you to know
that I've enjoyed knowing you

up to a point.

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry it all
didn't work out.

I guess I just figured

that by not making up my mind,

it would all last longer.

Instead, it just made
everybody mad.

That's very gracious
of you to admit.

I don't think of
myself as gracious.

How do you like
to think of yourself?

As the Attorney General
of the United States.

Well, thanks again.

Wait a minute, Mr. Ashcroft.

Do you mean to tell me

that you have changed
your mind umpteen times

and hemmed and
hawed and vacillated

and driven the four
of us stark raving crazy

because you want
to prolong this project

because you like us?

Does that make sense?

Yes.

Then I meant it.

You know, I like what you said

about everybody's worth knowing.

Yeah. We ought to
make that our motto.

Oh, I don't know.

Doesn't do that much for me.

Of course we couldn't use it

unless we made a
success of the project.

Well, I... I guess I could
give up the flagpole.

I think I could probably
find a rotating lamp.

I couldn't promise a camp scene.

Well, you see? Now, that's
what compromise is all about.

You know, Eldon?
Sometimes you're so with it.

I know. It confuses me, too.

Shall we give it one more try?

All right.

But if I stay around here,

I have to lay down
some new rules.

What's that?

Well, for starters,

he has to keep
his big mitts off me.

How about a nice picture
of the four of you together

with Eldon?

♪ Ain't misbehavin' ♪

Come on. Get close to him.

♪ Savin' my love for you ♪

Come on. He won't
hurt you. Get close.

Come on, come on.

♪ I know for certain ♪

Oh, what the hell.

♪ You're the one I love ♪

♪ I'm through with flirtin' ♪

♪ Just you I'm dreamin' of ♪

♪ Ain't misbehavin' ♪

♪ Savin' my love for you ♪

♪ No one to talk with ♪

♪ All by myself ♪

♪ No one to walk with ♪

♪ But I'm happy on the shelf ♪

♪ Ain't misbehavin' ♪

♪ I'm savin' my love for you ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA