Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 2 - Ted Remarries - full transcript

♪♪

Charlene, is there anything
exciting for me in the mail?

No, just Julia's
American Heritage,

and I'm sure you're
not interested in that.

I might be. Does
it have pictures?

Yes, it does. But most
of the men are dead.

Well. What's this?

Those are Julia's
tickets to the art exhibit.

She's taking your Momma.

Why didn't you ask me?

Because you don't like art.



I don't like art. I
don't like history.

I don't know where
y'all get this stuff.

Perhaps you have forgotten
that time we were at the Louvre,

and you said, and I quote,

"I have no more intention of being
dragged to one more museum,

"just to look at a bunch of pictures of
small-busted naked women with large butts,

"lying around
outdoors eating fruit."

Anthony, where have you been?

Trying to fix the van.

It broke down in a very
undesirable part of town,

and unfortunately,
no one would help me.

I mean, I never
noticed it before,

but everybody over
there is doing business

from behind a
bullet-proof booth.



And they won't come out.

The liquor store man.

The dude at the gas station.

Even the police are riding
around in a little booth.

I mean, pretty soon,
you start to figure out

you the only one
who is not in a booth.

And that is not a good feeling.

And there you
are, risking your life

in order to give
them a little business.

That just burns me up.

You know, that's like when
you get an X-ray taken,

and you pay to be all
laid out on this table,

while they pump
radiation into your body.

And the whole time, this
technician's telling you

how completely
safe this procedure is,

he's putting on
oven mitts, goggles,

this big huge
padded breastplate.

You know, like you're
not gonna notice.

And then, just before
he stamps the picture,

he runs out of the room.

Charlene, I don't think
that's an accurate analogy.

What I want to know
is, where is the van now?

Outside. I fixed it myself.

Oh, Anthony. Look what
came for you in the mail today.

- A credit card?
- Not just a credit card.

That is a gold one.
I told you to apply!

- You know what this means?
- Yeah. Somebody made a mistake.

I didn't think ex-convicts
could get credit cards.

Of course they can,
if they're like Anthony,

and they can prove they can be
responsible, law-abiding citizens.

Listen to this. "Every
time you present this card,

"you'll be making an eloquent
statement about yourself."

Anthony, I hope you're gonna
use that thing judiciously.

I remember my
first credit card...

Uh, this isn't my first card.

Right. Just the first
one with your name on it.

Hey, I had my own
credit card once.

It was maliciously and
vindictively destroyed

by Mr. Kenneth Kannit.

I never will forget.

I had this girl with me
I was tryin' to impress.

And he's stand there
on the phone saying,

"Yes, I have Mr. Bouvier's
card in my hand.

"Scissors? Why,
yes, I have a pair."

"Yes, I'm cutting it up
now, even as we speak."

But now, we'll just see
who has the last laugh.

In fact, since I
have the old gold,

I think I'll just call up
Baton Rouge information,

and get my friend
Mr. Kannit's telephone number.

Anthony! What are you gonna say?

I'm gonna say something
I've waited ten years to say.

Baton Rouge information, please.

I don't think that this
is very well thought-out.

Julia, he said he's been
workin' on it for ten years.

How long does he need?

Yes, yes. Do you have a
listing for a Mr. Kenneth Kannit?

- Hi.
- Hi.

What's going on?

Anthony got the
gold card in the mail,

so he's calling up the guy who
cut up his first one, ten years ago,

and he's gonna tell him off.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

I was just looking
here in the paper.

There's some good
movies on this weekend.

Yeah, I'd like to see
that Steve Martin movie.

Hello. Is this Mr. Kannit?

Mr. Kannit, this is
Anthony Bouvier.

Do you know me?

Well, I didn't think so.

I attempted to purchase
some dress shirts

in your store in 1977.

And you maliciously confiscated

and destroyed my credit card.

Well, I have never
forgotten that, Mr. Kannit.

And I just wanted you
to be the first to know

that today, that same company

has bestowed upon me

their highest accolade.

Their metal of
honor, so to speak.

That's right, Mr. Kannit.

I have gone gold.

And the first eloquent
statement I wanna make

is to tell you, chump,

that the next time you
cut up somebody's card,

you just better make
sure you finish the job.

Yeah, I may as well
go out this weekend

and make as many eloquent
statements about myself as possible.

Anthony, I hate to
sound like your mother,

but just remember, even
Karl Malden has a limit.

Right.

Is that true?

That Karl Malden has a limit?

I don't know, Charlene.
It's just sort of a metaphor.

Oh. Well, I don't think
it was a very good one.

Well, how about it? Anybody
wanna see a movie this weekend?

Quint and Claudia
gonna be at their dad's.

Again? I thought he
had 'em last weekend.

Yeah. He did.

But after all,

Ted does have an
Olympic size pool,

with a 40-foot slide.
And as Quint says,

it's just not the same

when I squirt him
with a garden hose

while he runs around the
garage in his underwear.

Ted and Tammy are taking 'em
shopping this afternoon anyway,

so they might as
well have 'em tonight.

Oh, that reminds me.

She... Tammy called.

She's coming by to pick
up those carpet samples.

For the life of me, Mary
Jo, I'll never understand

why you have agreed to help
your ex-husband's girlfriend

redecorate his den.

Well, why not? I
mean, it's no big deal.

And after all, she's
been so nice to me.

I'd hate to turn her down.

Oh, yeah? Why? What's she like?

Well, she's nice.

Very nice. Very upbeat.

As a matter of fact, she used
to sing with one of those groups.

Up With America, I think.

You know the type.

Perfect hair. Perfect teeth.

They make perfect O's with
their mouths when they sing.

Oh, I can't stand that.

Reminds me of a girl that
used to stand next to me in choir.

Every Sunday, it was,

♪ Shall we dally by the river ♪

You know, I used
to feel so ashamed.

Singin' hymns,

and wanting to
slap her face off.

Sounds to me like you hate her.

I don't hate her.

As a matter of fact, I couldn't
ask for a nicer, sweeter woman

to be around my kids. And
they're just crazy about her.

And every time they come home,
it's Tammy this and Tammy that.

Tammy, Tammy, Tammy!

It's gotten to the
point where I just...

Hate the sound of her name?

No, but...

I guess I do wish she and
Ted would back off a little bit.

I mean, every time
they pick 'em up,

it's not just a weekend.

It's a fabulous, fun-filled
dream vacation for two.

It's like, "Yes,
Claudia and Quint.

"First, you'll be picked up
by your rich surgeon father,

"and his
fantastic-looking girlfriend,

"in their fantastic-looking
Lamborghini convertible.

"And then you, Quint,
will be whisked away

"to the city's
fastest go kart track.

"While you, Claudia, select
the finest designer wear,

"from Atlanta's best
junior boutiques!"

I mean, how in the world am I
supposed to compete with that?

They, uh... they gonna
get married or something?

I don't know. I don't think so.

Ted's always told me he could never
marry anybody better looking than him.

Hello, everybody. Hope
we're not interrupting anything.

Oh, hi. No, no. I was just about
to get together that stuff for you.

Mom, look. I got a
whole new barbell set!

Well, Quint, you've
got weights at home.

Yeah, but this set's
got a lot more stuff on it.

Oh. I see.

Claudia, you've cut your hair.

Yeah, Tammy took me to her guy.

I mean, this is
the best in Atlanta.

Well, I hope it's okay, Mary Jo.

Claudia just insisted
you wouldn't mind.

Oh, no. Well, of course not.

I mean, it's her hair.

Although I think I
liked it a little longer.

I bet I could pick you up.

Perceptive for
his age, isn't he?

Quint? Quint.

Ted has offered him $5

for every person he
can lift off the ground.

Charlene, how much do you weigh?

Quint, would you cut that out?

Charlene does not
wanna be picked up.

- Hello, Ted.
- Hi, Suzanne.

You're looking well. But
I'm sure you know that.

Yes.

Ted, why don't you
introduce Tammy to everybody

while I get that
stuff for your den.

- Okay.
- Hey.

It's not just Daddy's
den anymore.

What? What are
you talking about?

Claudia, I thought we were
gonna save that for later.

It's okay. Mom doesn't mind.

Mind what?

Well, Dad and Tammy
are getting married.

Well.

Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- And guess what else?

Daddy says if we want to,
we can go live with them.

Mary Jo, just 'cause Ted told
the kids they could live with him

doesn't mean
they're gonna want to.

I know that.

What galls me is he didn't
even discuss it with me first.

I mean, I can
accept that it was just

hypothetical, and maybe
Tammy does really feel bad.

- But I just...
- Aw, feel bad my foot.

Don't you believe
it for a second.

I sized her up the
minute she walked in here.

You wanna know who she
is? I'll tell you who she is.

She's Miss Valdasta
Feed and Grain.

And if there's one
thing I've learned,

it's that you just
cannot be nice

to the Miss Valdasta Feed
and Grains of the world.

Suzanne, I know
you pride yourself

on having a pageant
story for every occasion.

But why not give Mary
Jo a break on this one?

I'm just trying to
be helpful, Julia.

Now, you know,

there's a reason women like
that wanna be close to you.

You have to be close to someone

to knife 'em.

Happened to me at
the local pageant level.

Well, now you've raised the
hair on the back of our necks.

I mean, a local
pageant level story.

These are the ones I love
to hear again and again.

Okay. You can go
ahead and make fun.

But when I and Miss
Valdasta Feed and Grain

and a bunch of other girls
were up for Miss Atlanta,

it was Miss Valdasta
Feed and Grain

who pretended to
be my best friend.

It was Miss Valdasta
Feed and Grain

who insisted on
being my roommate.

If you have to say
it, abbreviate it.

Just call her Miss
Feed, or Miss Grain.

You've givin' me a headache.

Well, now you've
ruined the story.

It doesn't matter.
I get the point.

This woman pretended to
be your friend, then wasn't.

I don't understand what motive
Tammy would have for that,

or why she would be
interested in getting my kids.

Because.

She's interested in anything
that'll make her the queen bee.

That's the way those Miss
Valdasta Feed and Grain's are.

They constantly compete
with other women.

Suzanne, I hate to say it, but this
is beginning to sound a lot like you.

Just what are you saying, Julia?

Are you calling me

a Miss Valdasta Feed and Grain?

I had always hoped it
wouldn't come to this.

But...

Mary Jo? Mary Jo,
where are you going?

Home. I think it's obvious
this conversation is over.

I thought we were
gonna go see a movie.

Nah. I'm not in the mood now.

I think I'll just start on home.

Maybe stop by the pet store.

Pick up one of those
special bones for the dogs.

You know, takes the
plaque off their teeth?

Then after that,
I guess I'll just...

play it by ear.

Well, you call us if
you get lonesome.

I will.

Just wait'll y'all see this
dress I got for Claudia.

Mary Jo, I thought you just
bought her a dress last week.

Oh, that was for church.
This is for the school dance.

Took me two
hours to pick it out.

Where do you want this?

Uh, just leave it right
there. I'll deliver it later.

A washing machine?

Yeah, my mom's
birthday is next week.

They're delivering
the dryer tomorrow.

Now that's all
that I bought today.

The rest of this
stuff is Mary Jo's.

She's over her limit,
so I'm just letting her

charge on my card.

Well, I-I-I'm paying
for it, of course.

Mary Jo, I know it
doesn't seem like it now,

but in the long run,

your children are
going to appreciate

the good, decent values

that you have given
them a lot more

than all these material things.

Julia, I know that.

Right now, I can't afford
to wait for the long run.

So in the meantime, you're
just gonna ruin their character.

Oh, come on.

I think that's a
big fallacy about

having too many material
things will ruin your character.

I mean, there's no reason
that Mother Theresa

couldn't be doing
the exact same work

with orphans if she
drove a Mercedes.

And that guy from
India. What's his name?

- Who?
- Oh, you know the one.

He was always sitting
around in a big diaper.

- She's talking about Ghandi.
- That's him.

Now to me, he'd have been
just as effective in a suit and tie.

Claudia giggles - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey!

- How'd that tennis lesson go?
- Fine.

Have I got something
to show you.

Okay, but first wait
till you see this dress

Tammy and I bought
for the dance next week?

- For the dance?
- Yeah!

I mean, we were driving by
and saw it in the store window.

I mean, it's exactly
what I wanted!

And we both screamed
at the same time.

It must be marvelous

to have that kind of
rapport with teenagers.

Myself, I wouldn't
have the foggiest notion

as to when it might be
appropriate to scream.

- I mean, isn't it neat?
- Oh, yes.

It's just beautiful.

Mary Jo, I hope you don't mind.

Ted said it was okay.

Oh, so what did you
want to show me?

Uh...

This!

I'm getting it for your room.

I mean, you've always
wanted it, haven't you?

Well, yeah!

But you said the only
way I could ever get it

was to clean my room for a year,

take a part-time
babysitting job,

and cash the saving's bond!

And just to think,

now you can have it
just... for being you.

I just don't know
where they could be.

The game must have
been over an hour ago.

If you ask me, their father
should have some responsibility

for getting them home on time.

Oh, Ted's a kid himself.

He loves his children,
but he just cannot say no.

I've always had
to be the bad guy.

I hate to be nosy, but
don't they have homework?

Yes.

Luckily, I finished it
before you got here.

I'm telling you, it's
this Tammy person

who's causing all the trouble.

Ted wasn't putting a
big rush on those kids

before she entered the picture.

Did you notice how
she's always trying to act

so dainty and
helpless and feminine?

What's with that little
wiggle in her walk?

I mean, everything
is so exaggerated.

Yeah.

I used to try and
walk like that.

When I was in high school,

I used to practice in front
of my mirror every night.

But it's not natural, you know.

You have to
concentrate all the time.

Pretty soon my
grades started to fall off.

Then I realized I couldn't
keep it up my whole life,

so I just went back to
walking like a natural person.

Mary Jo, I want
to tell you a story.

When I was very young,
I had rheumatic fever.

And that affected
the way you walk?

No.

Anyway, Mother
was told at that time

that the slightest little
thing might affect me,

so naturally I began using that

to get everything I wanted.

Well, one day, she
wouldn't let me go swimming,

so I began turning
blue in the face

and having my fit,

but before I could qualify
for the Academy Award,

Mother took me
out on the veranda,

put me on a chaise lounge,

and said, "Julia, if you're
going to die this afternoon,

"I want you to do
it out here, hon,

"'cause I'm expecting company,

and I wouldn't want
any stray bodies around.

And with that, she
went back in the house,

and slammed the screen
door on me and my blue face.

Well...

I didn't have any
more fainting spells

because I knew that
she had figured out

that I was holding her hostage.

Now, is that a metaphor?

No, Charlene. That
actually happened.

Hi, everybody. Hi, Mom.

Daddy's waiting in the car.

We just came to get
some clothes for tomorrow.

Whoa, baby. Not so fast.

I thought you told me you
were going to be home at 9:30.

Well, that's our fault.

I mean, they wanted
to eat afterwards,

and, well, Ted just should
have put his foot down.

Look, we're sorry, okay?

We're sorry, and we're
spending the night at Dad's.

No. No, not tonight. You
have school tomorrow.

I know, and Dad's
going to take us.

No. Not tonight. Now go upstairs

and get ready for bed.

Why? Look, you're
just being mean.

You can't stand for
us to have a good time.

Claudia, that's enough.

Don't you talk to
your mama like that.

I won't have it.

You won't have it?

Come on, Quentin.

We'll get our suitcases.

If we can't stay at
Daddy's whenever we want,

maybe we'll stay there for good.

Claudia.

Mary Jo, I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, right.

Suzanne.

It's not Tammy's fault.

I've been wanting to blame her

because I couldn't accept

that I've lost control
of my own children.

But thank you. I'm grateful

because I've just had a glimpse

of something I hope I
never have to see again.

What's that?

Another woman being
mother to my children.

- Mary Jo.
- Y'all excuse me.

I have some people to
take out on the veranda.

The veranda?

It's just a metaphor.

Well, now, I thought you
said that actually happened.

Don't try to talk me out of it.

I've made up my mind.

Oh, I didn't come to
try and talk you out of it.

I came to help you pack.

You did?

Sure.

This is a home, not a prison.

Quint, why don't
you go in your room

and put your clothes
in that other bag?

I wish we could just move
that swimming pool over here.

Well, we can't.

We don't have a
swimming pool here.

We don't have a gym,

and we don't have a convertible,

and I don't think that
that's going to change

any time soon.

Why don't we just
do your clothes tonight

and I'll send over
your other things later?

Well, you sure are
anxious to get rid of us.

I'm going to miss you more
than I've ever missed anybody.

Look, we just wanted to stay
at Daddy's one more night.

Well, as long as
you're living with me

and I say that you can't,

then you can't because
I'm your mother.

I brought you into this world.

I changed your diapers
and wiped your runny nose

and walked the
floor at night with you,

made your Halloween costumes,

filled your Christmas
stockings...

You filled our
Christmas stockings?

Strike that.

So what you're saying
is you don't want us to go

if we're willing to
live by your rules.

But if we're not, then...
The door is open.

Does this mean I have to
give back the carousel horse?

No.

But Happy Birthday till 1990.

Mom?

What?

I don't want to move out.

Neither do I.

Well, I sure don't
want you to...

because you're my babies.

I'm sorry for what I said.

I know, honey, I know.

I guess I was just
trying to make you mad

because I wanted you
to act like your old self.

I think you're a
pretty smart kid.

Maybe you could start
doing your own homework.

I wish we could just
move Dad's gym over here.

Hmm, well,

maybe you could just
practice picking me up.

Shoot. That's
nothing. You're little.

Well, you just
remember, young man,

I may be little...

But you're still our mother.

So anyway, you
would have thought

I was loitering on the premises

before I whipped
out the old gold.

And then it was
"Yes, Mr. Bouvier.

Anything else, Mr. Bouvier?"

And then the dude
carried all my packages

out to the car.

When I left, I thought

he was going to
kiss me good night.

Anthony, you know,

I'm giving you these
lamps below cost.

Why don't you just pay
them out over three months?

No way. I want
everything on that card.

That card is my bookkeeper.

Uh, yes. Yes, it's Bouvier.

That's B-O-U-V
as in Virginia-I-E-R.

Uh-huh.

Expiration date
is, uh, October '88?

Whoo.

Mr. Kenneth Kannit,
eat your heart out.

Yes, I do. I have it
right here in my hand.

Scissors?

Yes, I do have a pair.

Yes, I understand.

Well, it's a dirty job,

but somebody has to do it.

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