Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 9 - The IT Men - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Julia, will you please
get down here?

I need some help.

Not now, Suzanne.

I'm trying to get all
this stuff together

for that new client.
Mary Jo and I

have got to be out
at her house by 2.

Well, forget the new client. I
can't find my alimony checks.

Well, I can't believe that.

I would think that
you could smell them,

you know, kinda
like those big pigs



that run through the woods
snorting out that expensive fungus?

Something wrong?

I just had the
strangest thing happen.

I'm getting out of my car
when this other car goes by,

- and there's a dog
on the passenger side.
- Yeah?

And just as he passes,

he gives me this
incredibly strange look.

What kind of look?

Like... he thought
he recognized me.

Oh, I've had that
happen to me before.

Yes, but in your case,
it was probably true.

Don't anybody speak to me,
'cause I'm not the sort of person

you want to be friendly
with if you knew me well.

In fact, I was lying in bed
last night talking to myself,



saying, "Charlene, you
are the scummy residue

that accumulates in those
little rubber drain plugs

of people who aren't
very good housekeepers.

Charlene, don't you
feel like you're being

a little hard on yourself?

No. I don't feel anything

but deeply ashamed.

Well, maybe you'd
feel less ashamed

if you changed outfits.

I'm wearing this
'cause Ed likes it.

- Ed who?
- Ed from Hodd,
Purcell, and Willhoit.

He's been helping me with
my investment counseling

and taking me to
lunch every day.

I knew you were having
lunch with a man this week!

Didn't I say that? I said,
"Charlene's acting very secretive,

and she's got that
little look in her eye."

I think what you said was, "Do y'all
think she could be embezzling money?"

Charlene, I don't mean
to seem judgmental,

but I thought Mason
was your boyfriend.

He is. But when he moved away,

we agreed to date other people.

I just didn't know I'd
meet someone so fast

who makes me
feel the way I feel.

Now, I haven't said anything

'cause I didn't want
y'all to think I'm shallow.

Well, how do you feel?

Shallow.

But I can't help it.
It's just chemistry.

Forgive me,
Charlene, but chemistry

still does not
explain that get-up.

Oh, come on, Julia,
don't be so stuffy.

For some people,
this is conservative.

Yes, well, maybe Tina Turner

while lying in state.

Well, I just can't believe this.

I mean, three weeks
ago, you were sitting here

on this sofa crying and wailing
and saying your life was over

because Mason
had moved to Toledo.

It's Tokyo, Suzanne.

Well, Excuse me, Mary Jo.

They both start with a
"T" and end with a "O."

I didn't know this was a test.

Look, Suzanne, you
think I'm happy about this?

I mean, it's tough.

You know, Mason's over
there alone in a strange city,

all 300 pounds of him,
surrounded by thin people

who only eat fish.

Here I am, thinking
about somebody new,

butterflies in my stomach.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.

Now, wait a minute. Have
you considered the possibility

that this is maybe one
of those rebound things?

You know, that
happens all the time.

I don't know what it is,
but I feel rotten. I mean,

Mason's my big cookie.

Don't say that.

I hate it when you say that.

Well, I can't help it. He is.

But this thing with
Ed is just chemistry,

and there's nothing you
can do about chemistry.

It's just there. Look at the different
kinds of men I'm attracted to.

There's no rhyme or reason.

Elvis Presley, Fidel Castro...

Carl Sagan.

Carl Sagan?

Well, it's the way
he says "Cosmos."

Makes me hot.

Oh, I'm sorry, Julia!

I know how you hate people
talking about what makes them hot.

Well, you can have those guys.

As for me, I prefer the
older, established type.

You mean rich
and terminally ill?

For your information,
rich is sexy.

I mean, it's pretty hard to get
juiced up about one of those old guys

wearing those cheesecloth
undershirts from Montgomery Ward's.

Come on, Suzanne, what's
money have to do with anything?

Oh, come on, grow
up. It's a lot better thing

to base a relationship
on than chemistry.

Just look at the mess
you got yourself into.

Now you're in love with two men.

I know. A least I'm
being honest about it.

I wrote Mason and told him.

Oh, Charlene, you didn't!

I did. I had to.

♪ Dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

Well, I can't have
chemistry with someone else

and not tell him.

That'd be... unfaithful.

Why don't you give
yourself a little time?

I mean, this thing with Ed

might just be some
minor flirtation.

Mary Jo is right, Charlene.
It's not a smart thing to do,

especially not to a man
who's living in a country

where women with tiny feet
will walk on your back for a nickel.

Could you try his
room one more time?

He has to be there.
It's 2 A.M. in Tokyo.

What?

Well, then, could you tell him

Charlene called... again?

Thank you.

Yeah. Arigato. Yeah.

Bye. You, too.

Probably read my letter...
met someone else...

got married... had kids.

My guess is he
committed hara-kiri.

Suzanne, you don't
have to be mean

just 'cause you got PMS.

I don't have PMS!

I have cramps.

Anyway, I don't
believe in that stuff.

That's just a bunch of
nonsense women make up

to get away with murder.

She could be right.
Yesterday, in the checkout line,

I read where this women who
had PMS went berserk in an elevator

and stabbed a man with her
fingernail file 'cause he wouldn't push 6.

There but for fortune
goes Suzanne.

Julia, get serious.

I don't act any different
than any other time.

And you don't have to
always be so dramatic.

"There but for fortune
goes Suzanne."

I mean, honestly, sometimes
the sound of your voice

just makes my hair stand on end!

Well, that's because
you have PMS.

And you not only act different.

You look different.

- What do you mean?
- Well, for starters,

your face is puffy.

It's water retention,
and everyone has it.

Some of us, however, can
retain water better than others.

Because we're smaller-boned,

we can carry it more gracefully.

You, Suzanne, are not a person

who can carry a lot of
water around on those bones,

if you know what I mean.

Don't get all bent
out of shape about it.

It happens to the best of us.

I personally have
one day each month

when I always look
like Broderick Crawford.

In Suzanne's case,
it's Willard Scott.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for my nail file.

[knocking at door]

Who would knock?

Oh. That's Ed. He's
such a gentleman.

He's taking me to lunch. Now,
I want to know what you think,

but not till I get back.

And be nice. And don't get on
your soapbox about anything.

Charlene, just let the man in.

- Hi, Ed.
- Oh, hi.

Now, he's not
Mason, but he's nice,

so give him a chance.

Hi. I'm sorry. Come on in.

- I want you
to meet everybody.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- [Suzanne] Mmhh.

Ed, um, this is Julia.

And that's Mary Jo.

And the big couch
potato, Suzanne.

- [Ed] Hi.
- Hello.

Nice to meet you.

[Ed clears throat]

Can you believe it?

Believe what?

How much he looks
like Jerry Lee Lewis!

Oh, we hadn't noticed!

Yeah, you... you do
look... like him a little.

Yeah, well, she keeps
trying to convince me.

First time I saw Ed, I could
not believe the resemblance.

You know he's my
favorite singer after Elvis.

I've been dying for him to
come by and show you guys.

Well, we can't thank you enough.

This has been an
incredible moment.

She gets carried away.

She can't help herself.

Oh, get out! I'll see
you guys after lunch.

It was nice meeting you all.

- Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.

♪♪♪

And this is the bedroom.

Yes, I had that feeling.

[client chuckles]

I guess you'd like us
to spice this up for you.

Probably the only thing you can
spice up in this room are the drapes.

I was thinking of
some kind of floral.

How do you feel about chintz?

Julia! Do take a look at
Mrs. Boeving's dresser.

It's just... extraordinary.

I just love chintz.

Of course, I also love stripes.

[gasps]

- I take it you don't.
- Oh, sorry.

I just have a little asthma.

My, isn't this a handsome man.

Do let me guess.
Who would that be?

A brother, father, cousin,

or anybody else you
could possibly conceive of?

No, that's my husband, Ed.

- Your husband.
- Mmm. Right.

He looks a lot like
Jerry Lee Lewis.

Doesn't he?

He's the reason why you're here.

I'm re-doing the
bedroom as a big surprise.

Well, it certainly
is going to be that.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[dog barks]

Well, good afternoon, ladies.

You might be interested to know

I'm feeling much better.

I just had lunch
at the country club,

where I must've been told
by no less than 26 people

I've never looked more lovely.

Wait a minute. What's going on?

- Something's up.
- No, it's not.

We're just... having quiet time.

Oh, don't quiet-time me.
You're hiding something.

Suzanne, I like you a lot better

when you're just lying
around like third base.

Come on, just tell me.

You know I'm gonna
find out sooner or later.

It's something
just a little bit sad.

[laughing] I love sad.

Tell me.

It's Ed.

He's married.

Charlene's Ed?

How do you know?

- Our new client?
- Ed's wife.

Are you sure?

They're not divorced
or separated?

Oh, they're married.
We saw their bed.

California king.

Well, can you believe that?

She should never have written
that dumb letter to Mason.

Now she's fouled everything
up. And a married man.

That is tacky.

I would never date
anyone who was married.

You don't have to.

You marry everyone you date.

Charlene would never be
going out with him if she knew.

Well, then somebody's gotta
tell her. Who's gonna do it?

Maybe we should just
write her a little note

and get out of here?

Now I know why you lost
your job at the Hot Line.

[door opens]

Hi, everybody.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had to
stop by someone's house

and pick up my lingerie.

Look. Can you
believe this stuff?

Mood underwear.

Changes color
according to your arousal.

A voice-activated brazier.

Charlene, do you...
Do you think maybe

your morals are getting
a little more... relaxed?

Mary Jo, I'm not
gonna wear this stuff.

I ordered it month's ago at my
friend Juanita's lingerie party.

I didn't want to
hurt her feelings.

They're gag gifts.

Well, they certainly
make me gag.

Charlene, why don't
you relax. Sit down

and put your feet up. Let
me get you a cup of coffee.

Well... thanks, Mary
Jo. That's very nice.

Did someone in my family die?

Now, Charlene,
there's something that...

Well, Julia and Mary Jo
want to talk to you about,

- something you might want
to sit down to hear.
- I am sitting down.

Then maybe you should lie down.

Why? What's the matter?

Charlene...

in the course of human events,

good things happen,
and bad things happen.

I'm getting fired, aren't I? I
don't think y'all can fire me.

- I own part of this business.
- Don't be ridiculous.

You're not getting fired.

It's just that... sometimes,

just when we think
everything's going our way...

you know, love is blooming
and chemistry's cooking,

and everything's
coming up roses...

we suddenly...

find a weed in our garden

we didn't even know was there.

- What's your point?
- Ed's married.

That's my point.

What do you mean, Ed's married?

I mean as in 19
years... married.

I don't believe that.
Who told you that?

Ed's wife. She's our new client.

Well.

What do you know about that?

Well, the way I see it,
you got three options.

Number one, Ed
has to be punished.

Number two, you can provide
a detailed report to the wife,

and that's not a pretty picture.

Number three, he has ten
days to rectify the situation,

or those two sentences
could run concurrently.

Charlene, are you all right?

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna
be fine after I throw up.

Ed's the one you want, isn't he?

No. Matter of fact,
spending more time with him

has made me realize
how much I miss Mason.

I woke up in the
middle of the night,

and it all just hit me.

It's Mason who worries
about me when I have a cold.

He's always checking my tires
and putting gas in my tank...

so to speak.

He loves me like
my parents love me.

I guess there is one difference.

What's that?

My parents are
still speaking to me.

♪♪♪

Charlene, believe me,
this is a big mistake.

You do not tell the man
that you've been dating

that you just found
out he was married

with your best
friend sitting here.

I've told you, Mary Jo, I
need you for moral support.

No, you don't! You're fine!

I'm a nervous wreck!

I hate these singles
places, anyway.

The guy over there
keeps staring at me.

I think he's gonna ask me out.

That's the busboy, and you
got Mai Tai foam on your lip.

Oh.

Charlene, you are not
reacting to this in a normal way.

I mean, you have not
screamed. You haven't cried.

You haven't got a weapon
in your purse, have you?

'Course not.

Now that you mention
it, I do have a mace gun.

Maybe I ought
to just tell him off

and give him a little whiff.

My friend Cindy hunter,

she carried mace in
her purse to Europe,

and one day in this art museum,
she decides she has bad breath,

only she grabs
the wrong little can,

and she maces herself!
Can you believe that?!

There she was,
conked out in line

with her dress up over her head,

waiting to see the Mona Lisa.

I cannot believe
you are sitting here

entertaining me
with humorous stories

while waiting to kill this man
who has done you wrong.

I mean, I am impressed.

Don't be. Comes from growing up

in a family of 11 kids.
I had to be strong.

I was the runt of the litter.

I don't want to be
unseemly or anything, but...

doesn't that guy have a
wonderfully well-rounded butt?

I didn't notice.

Which reminds me.

Don't mention sex when
Ed gets here. Okay?

Because that's absolutely
none of my business.

Hi.

Hi.

- Hi - Hi I didn't
expect company.

I asked her to come.
Anyway, she's not company.

She's my best friend.
We have no secrets.

That's right. But
obviously you do.

Mary Jo.

Just go ahead.
Pretend I'm not here.

I know you're married.

Oh. [clears throat]

How'd you find out?

Your wife hired us to
decorate your house.

Are you joking?

No, Ed. I would not joke
about a thing like this.

My sense of humor
is much further along.

Which part of the house?

The bedroom. It's a surprise.

But I like my bedroom.

We're getting rid of the drapes.

- Why?
- Just live with it a while.

If you don't like it,
we'll put theem back.

I do not believe
this! Do you mind?!

Sorry. People should never
drink on an empty stomach.

If I were you, I'd spend a lot
less time worrying about drapes

and a lot more time trying to
explain why you did this to me.

It just all seemed

to happen so fast, Charlene.

Well, it didn't happen too fast
for me to tell you about Mason.

- I didn't know you did that.
- Well, yeah.

I told him the same
day I wrote that letter.

You know, you really
are a good person.

- There he goes again.
- Who?

The guy with the butt.

I'll be back to
take your orders.

Bring me something
with a coconut

that you can set on fire.

Look, Charlene, I
was... I was wrong.

I... I haven't been fair to you,

I haven't been fair to my wife.

I just didn't know what to do.

You and I have only known
each other for a few weeks,

and I've been
married for 19 years.

You should never keep
drapes longer than seven.

What am I supposed
to say? Congratulations?

I want you to say
that you believe me

when I tell you that
this is my first affair.

Oh, come on!

It doesn't matter if I
was the first or the last.

You still lied because you knew

I'd never be with you
if you were married.

You're right. You're right.

But I was scared. I...

I mean, what we
have is so new to me.

Don't get me wrong.
It's not just the sex...

Okay! Ha ha ha. That's it.

The duck just came down from
the sky and said the magic word.

I warned you. I'm leaving.

Ed, so nice to meet you.

I'm sure you're
probably a creep,

but good luck to you
and to your family.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Thanks a lot.

Now she thinks
we've slept together.

Well, it wasn't
because I didn't want to.

Well, you think it
was easy for me?

I was very attracted to you.

So why wouldn't you?

I don't know.

Just didn't seem right.

Somehow I still feel
connected to Mason.

Anyway, unrequited
love can be beautiful.

That's true, but somehow I
always feel like it's more fulfilling

if you actually get
to do it with someone.

- You're terrible!
- [chuckles]

You stole my thunder tonight.

I was going to break your heart
and tell you I belong to Mason.

Now it sounds
like I'm saying that

just because you're married.

No, I... I believe you.

Will you believe me?

About what?

You are the first.

Well, I guess deep down, neither
one of us knew what we were doing.

You were mixed up about your
marriage and me about Mason.

I'm just glad we got
it all straightened out

before anyone got too hurt.

And as much as I'm crazy
about you, I want you to be happy.

I want you to go home
and try to make things work.

I don't, uh, think I'm
going to be able to do that.

- Why not?
- Because I left my wife.

- You what?
- No, believe me.

- It's for the best.
- Oh, come on!

She's redoing the
bedroom for you.

How bad can she be?

It's not that. It's just that...

Well, you've fouled things up.

Look, if I did anything or
said anything, I take it all back.

You know, in this light you don't even
look that much like Jerry Lee Lewis.

You showed me what's
possible, Charlene.

- What, divorce?
- No.

Happiness, honesty, being
excited about someone.

She and I have never had that.

I want what you
have with this Mason.

I think he's a very lucky guy.

[clicks tongue]

Oh, Ed.

Have you made your decision?

Have you?

Yeah, I think I have.

Charlene, it's here!
Your letter from Mason.

[gasps] Oh, you're kidding.

I just went outside and checked.

Hey, I flagged down the truck.

I just had this feeling it
was going to be here today.

No, I-I'm too scared.

What if he doesn't forgive
me? What if he hates me?

Hurry up, Charlene.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Oh, that's good.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, he says he still loves me.

Aw. He also says he
understands chemistry, too.

He remembers his hormones
running amuck when he met me.

In fact, he didn't
even get to Tokyo

before got chemistry
with a stewardess.

Well, please.

All men have chemistry
with stewardesses.

Her name's Eva. She
lives in San Francisco.

What else?

They went for a drink.

She thinks he's very funny.

She likes his smile.

Well, I'm furious!

Well, I don't blame you.

You had the decency
to wait three weeks

before you forgot him.

Yes, I would like an
overseas operator, please.

Let's see. It's 11:00 A.M. here.

That means it's
1:00 A.M. in Tokyo.

He'll be in bed.

Yes, operator, I'm
calling 0011-813-9494.

Yeah, arigato.

I'll just wake him up.

We'll see if he's smiling now.

Now, Charlene,
don't do anything rash.

I think we've had enough
trouble for one week.

For crying out loud,

he just had drinks
with a stewardess.

Oh, come on. I can
read between the lines.

And I'm sick and tired of
being everybody's patsy.

Let somebody else take it
between the eyes for a change.

From now on, no
more Mr. Nice Guy.

Hello, Mason? This is Charlene.

Is that you, honey?

Yeah. How's my big cookie?

Oh, I miss you, too. Yeah.

Oh, I love you, too.

Uh-huh.

[giggles] No.

Oh, she's killing him.

♪♪ [theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA