Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Slumber Party - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Thank you, Mrs. Gibson,

and if that lamp doesn't work,

don't hesitate to bring it back.

And the four of us
will stomp your face in.

Julia, you ought to take
something for that cold.

I've taken everything, Charlene.

The only thing left is to
have my nose amputated.

Hey, you want to see
something interesting?

- Not right now.
- Oh, come on.

It'll just take a minute.



I'm not saying I believe this.

Take a look at this picture
of the Ayatollah Khomeini.

Take away the beard, the
bathrobe, and the big hat.

Who you got?

Eddie Cantor.

No, silly, Howard Hughes.

What about Howard Hughes?

Amazing...
mention a billionaire,

and her entire
body goes on point.

Suzanne, take a look

at this picture of the
Ayatollah Khomeini.

Can't you see Howard Hughes?

Is this one of those games,

like he's hidden in
here somewhere?



Oh, never mind. I'm
sorry I brought it up.

All I know is no one's seen
Howard Hughes since he died,

and I find it more
than a little strange

they cropped this picture
off right at the ankles.

So?

So, maybe they
don't want you to see

the Kleenex boxes on his feet.

I didn't say I believed it.

What I want to know
is with a face like that,

where's this
Khomeini guy get off

making all those women
over there wear veils?

Well, wearing veils is nothing.

They also stone women to
death for having illicit affairs.

- You're joking.
- No, I am not.

It was on the news.

Don't worry, Suzanne,

they'll never do
it in this country.

There aren't enough gravel pits.

Oh, I'm sorry, I
didn't even know

you were having
any illicit affair,

this week.

I'm not.

I'm just a little bit nervous

because Consuela
put a curse on me.

Consuela?

As in, your maid, Consuela?

There is only one Consuela,

only she wants to
be called Connie now.

She's getting all Americanized.

She wears my clothes,
plays my records.

This morning, when I woke up,

she was taking a bath in my tub

talking on the
phone long-distance.

Well, Suzanne, that is
absolutely outrageous.

Why do you tolerate
this kind of behavior?

Because I'm afraid of her.

She's got all
these little dolls,

and they have these
pins stuck in them.

You mean she's into voodoo?

Yeah, and she's
been threatening me.

What kind of threats?

Things like, if I don't let
her use my electric razor,

I will end up living with hobos

and begging them to
lance the boils on my back.

- Pretty nasty threat.
- Oh, that's nothing.

This morning,
we had a big fight.

So I said there was
a slight possibility

I might have to fire her.

Because I didn't
want to make her mad.

But she got mad anyway,

and she said I'd be
dead by midnight tonight.

Why tonight?

I don't know, Julia.

I guess she figures
the sooner, the better.

- Where you going?
- I'm going to the phone.

I'm going to call her up and
relieve you of her services.

I am certainly not
afraid of a little stray pin.

- No, wait, you can't do that.
- Why not?

Because she's pretty
good with this voodoo stuff.

She put a curse on
that president in Haiti...

What's his name... Baby
Doc, and his wife Michelle.

And now they're
living in Switzerland

without any credit cards.

Well, that doesn't have
anything to do with voodoo.

Oh, no? Well, then, how come

she also put a curse on
one of my tropical fish,

and this morning,
he was belly up?

What could she possibly
have against a fish?

She got mad because
he wouldn't come over

to the side of the tank
and rub noses with her.

The woman is nuts.

Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Mary Jo.
- Hi.

You would not believe

the problems I'm
having with this job.

Julia, I just don't know
if I'm the right person.

Ooh!

What's the matter with her?

Consuela put a curse on her.

She's supposed to
be dead by midnight.

Oh.

I guess my problems
aren't as bad as I thought.

Why'd she put a curse on you?

Because she doesn't like me.

Anyway, could we please
just change the subject?

Everybody knows

that putting a curse on somebody

is ridiculous and stupid.

But, if by some crazy
coincidence I do die tonight,

I want you all to make
sure she does not

get through customs
with my hair pieces.

I just know she has
them hidden somewhere,

and it irks me I
can't find them.

If I were you, I'd just worry

about getting through
the next 12 hours.

[whimpers]

Well, I hate to
seem so insensitive

while Suzanne's life
hangs in the balance,

but I really do
need to talk to you.

All right, Mary Jo, what is it?

Hintz Westchester...
I am at my wit's end.

I have done my
best to put together

what I think is a
tasteful bachelor suite,

but he keeps adding
all these exotic things,

like a waterfall in the shower.

I don't know how to put
a waterfall in the shower.

My mind just doesn't
run along those lines.

I mean, the first
time I saw a bidet,

I thought it was a
drinking fountain

for toddlers.

Well, maybe I could help.

I built one for my prom.

You had a bidet at your prom?

No, a waterfall.

Well, how'd you do it?

Well, now that I think of it,

it was Gerald Sawler
standing on a ladder,

waving cellophane.

[phone ringing]

Sugarbakers'.

Oh, hi, Claud, it's Charlene.

How are you,
sweetheart? That's great.

Okay, just a second,
your mama's right here.

Hi, honey, what you doing?

[gasping]

Oh, no. Not tonight, Claudia.

Oh, you promised you'd remind me

about that slumber party.

We don't have any groceries,
the house is a wreck.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Just put everything
under the beds,

and I'll hunt for food.

All right. All right.

See you later. Bye-bye.

Oh, no. Sorry.

Julia, how would you
like to help chaperone

a slumber party for 14
slovenly, unkempt teenagers?

And there may be a prize
at the end of the evening.

Sorry, I'm going to be
home draining my sinuses.

Suzanne?

Oh, I forgot, you
have an appointment.

You could help till midnight.

Oh.

It was just a joke.

Come on, Julia,
won't you reconsider?

Remember how much fun
slumber parties used to be?

No. For some reason,

I never enjoyed sleeping
on a hard, cold floor

and waking up to
find my underwear

in the refrigerator.

Julia was born old.

Oh, all right, Mary
Jo, if it'll help you out.

But I warn you, I'm not
going to be good company.

Well, if Julia's going,
then I have to go.

Why is that?

Well, I'm certainly
not going to die alone.

[phone ringing]

Sugarbakers'.

Oh, hi.

Oh, you're kidding.

You can't make it?

Well, I'm a little disappointed.

That's okay, I promise.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Me too.

[giggling]

That, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, you...
- Charlene!
- I'm sorry.

I have to go. Bye.

Julia.

Charlene, does that call mean

that you are now available?

- Yeah.
- Great.

We'll just put the
kids in the basement

and have our own slumber party.

[thunder rumbling]

Julia, do you hear that?

It sounded just like
the thunder in Psycho,

right before Janet
Leigh got in the shower.

Come on, Suzanne,

you are completely
overreacting to this thing.

That's easy for you to say.

You don't have a pin
stuck through your head.

Even if Consuela does
have pins stuck in a doll,

how do you know that
doll's supposed to be you?

Because she has
my face glued on it.

That is a pretty big tip-off.

Well, you know,

it is kind of weird
what just happened.

What do you mean?

I just told you I
couldn't come tonight,

then the phone rang,
canceling our date.

It's almost like somebody
wants me to be there.

Maybe Consuela wants witnesses.

Witnesses to what?

To whatever's going to happen.

Oh, gee. Maybe
on second thought,

I don't want to have
this thing at my house.

Oh, you people
are just ridiculous.

There is no such
thing as voodoo.

[scoffs] Maybe not, Julia,

but there's some pretty funny
things going on around here.

For example,

it's more than a little strange

that this storm has
suddenly started brewing up

for no good reason.

And here we are, all
spending the night together

for the first time in our lives.

And this is the very first time

I've worn this
sweater with this skirt.

Whatever.

Anyway, it also just
happens to coincide

with the night of
my appointment.

♪♪ [hums Twilight Zone theme]

Oh, stop that.

Oh, gee, Suzanne. I'm
sorry about that movie.

If I'd known it had zombies
and shrunken heads in it,

I never would've
started watching it.

Once I get started,
I just can't stop.

What time is it?

11:04.

[whimpers]

Only 56 more minutes.

Julia, can I come over there

and get on that couch with you?

No. It makes into a
bed, and if you die on it,

it'll be too hard to fold out.

I'm coming anyway.

♪♪ [hums Twilight Zone theme]

What's going on in the basement?

They're all asleep,
all 14 of them.

I counted heads to make
sure nobody sneaked out.

They sure haven't
been any trouble.

No. When we used to
have slumber parties,

we'd play records
and dance all night,

put ice down each
other's pajamas.

These kids, they
don't do anything.

They're so mature.

Wait till y'all hear some
of these old 45s I dug up.

[electrical buzzing]

Oh, this is it!

I can feel the pin
going through my head!

- ♪♪ [Sleepwalk]
- It's just the stereo.

It's a short-circuit.

Oh, be still my heart.

Oh, my, it's one of my
absolute favorite songs.

Don't you just love that music

we all watched
Annette grow up by?

Annette who?

[all] Funicello!

Come on, Julia,
get with the program.

There is only one Annette.

Hey, you know
what we ought to do?

We ought to pretend
we're back in junior high.

- Slow dance.
- [Charlene snorts]

Wouldn't that be fun? Come on.

No, my nails are wet.

Julia?

I don't think so, Mary Jo,

but thank you for asking.

You didn't ask me.

Oh, I thought you're too upset.

Okay.

Would you like to dance?

Usually, I wouldn't, but
since I'm a condemned person

with time to kill,
I might as well.

- Who's going to lead?
- You can, you're tallest.

Put out your hand.

Isn't this hysterical?

We used to do this for hours.

I never did this.

I don't recall anybody's
breasts being this big.

Maybe I'll go downstairs.

This party seems to
be taking a new turn.

Somehow, this doesn't seem

quite as much fun as I remember.

I'm not having any fun at all.

Okay, we can quit.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Can you tell me what time it is?

Oh, 11:06. Here.

Would you please keep track

of your own life expectancy?

Hey, I got a great idea.

Why don't I go in the kitchen
and scramble us some eggs,

and we'll have a bull session.

- What's that?
- Oh, you know,

when everybody
tells everybody else

what they don't like about them.

You just have to
remember the guidelines.

You can't say anything
to hurt anybody.

It has to be
constructive criticism.

I think that's the
worst idea I ever heard.

And I'm the one who's
the condemned person.

We should be doing
what I want to do.

I should be having a good time.

I should be living my
last moments to the fullest.

Instead, here I am, sitting
around in this old thing,

staring at the three of you.

Let's start with Suzanne.

[Mary Jo] I think

what we're trying to say is that

maybe you're just a
tiny bit too man-crazy.

Well, I think it's more
than a little tiny bit.

I mean, it doesn't
matter how old or young,

every man who comes
into Sugarbakers'

gets the same looks
and giggles and winks.

Winks? You must be joking.

I've never winked
at anyone in my life.

Then you must have a
gimp eyelid or something.

Now Charlene, we said
we weren't going to get mad.

Okay, okay, I'm not mad.

If there's anyone around
here who's man-crazy, it's you.

Well, that's true, but
in Suzanne's defense,

we did agree not to criticize

traits which are
basically incurable.

[Suzanne] Thank you, Mary Jo.

Quinton,

I want you to take
that alligator suit off,

and go to bed.

Goodnight.

Okay. Who's next?

Let's do Julia.

All right. What's
wrong with her?

[Mary Jo] Well, she's
not very animated.

Let's do Mary Jo.

All right. You want to go last,

that's fine with me.

Go ahead, shoot.

Okay, well, for starters,

I find you indecisive, wimpy,

and your hair's too frizzy.

I mean, we're talking
about the permanent

that wouldn't die.

I don't know about you,

but midnight can't
come too soon for me.

Well, for my part, Suzanne,

you always present yourself

as this sexy,
attractive person...

Excuse me, Mary Jo,
but I think we can go

a little bit further
than attractive.

That's just what
I'm talking about.

You have this way about you

that just makes
other women feel like

eunuchs.

[thunder crashing]

Well, I certainly
don't mean to do that.

That's another thing.

You always say you
don't mean to do that.

Well, I don't.

I've had trouble with
women all my life.

I guess I just attract jealousy.

Suzanne, we're
not jealous of you.

We don't want to be you.

We just want you to
think it's okay to be us.

Are you sure you're not jealous?

I mean, sometimes I
can be pretty stunning.

Okay, all right.

Maybe I can change.
What would you suggest?

And keep in mind, I
don't have a lot of time.

I suggest that there are

four attractive women
at Sugarbakers',

and that there are a
lot of guys out there

who would pick
any given one of us...

Darn right, and I suggest

you start acting
like you know it.

Mom, I hate to give you
guys another warning,

but you're going to
have to keep it down.

I-I'm sorry. We'll be quieter.

Okay.

I just hope I don't have to
come back up here again.

Don't worry, you won't.

Mary Jo, I'm sorry
I called you wimpy.

I was wrong.

When it comes to critcizing me,

you can be a barracuda.

That's just the liquor talking.

After about six or seven
of those bourbon balls,

I get assertive, self-confident.

Otherwise, believe me,

it would be impossible
for me to tell you

how deeply I resented

you going out with
my ex-husband.

Maybe this wasn't such
a good idea after all.

I thought you said you
wished Ted and me well.

I did, but I still thought

you shouldn't have
gone out with him.

Well, it didn't last.

- That is not the point.
- Then what is?

The point is that if I
had another ex-husband,

you would do it again.

Oh, I doubt it.

The odds are pretty
strong against my wanting

to go out with two men
who'd be married to you.

You see, I'm never sure,

but I think that's an insult.

I think you're right.

And I think you owe
Mary Jo an apology.

And I think you two
are unbelievably mean

to gang up on me just when
it's two minutes to midnight.

Suzanne, we're not
ganging up on you.

I'm just taking
up for my friend.

Well, that's the
whole point, isn't it?

The truth is,

I know you're not jealous of me.

I'm jealous of you.

Oh, come on, Suzanne,
now don't puddle up.

Yeah, we never
should have started this.

Oh, well, why not?

You may as well know,

I envy your friendship.

I just see the way
you and Charlene

light up when the other
one comes into a room.

It's like, "Hey,
there's my friend.

Ain't she something?"

I've never known that.

For some reason,

women just don't
light up around me.

Well, that doesn't
mean they don't like you.

I just want you guys to know

that no matter what happens
to me in the next 60 seconds,

you're the best
friends I've ever had.

And you mean a lot to us, too.

[all] Aww.

I can't put my finger on it,

but there's something
wrong with this picture.

- [clock tolling]
- Ow!

Oh! Oh, it's happening!

It's happening! No!

[all yelling at once]

She's going to hurt me!

Aah!

It's just a short-circuit.

That lamp always does that.

Oh, I can't stop
hyperventilating.

♪♪ [hums Twilight Zone theme]

[screaming]

Oh, Suzanne,
it's after midnight.

You're still alive.

I am?

I am, aren't I?

Oh, I can't believe it.

It's over, and I'm still alive.

Oh, I can't tell
you what a relief.

I mean, I was trying
to be nonchalant,

but I just feel like a
weight's been lifted.

Yeah, me too.

I told you all that
voodoo stuff was a crock.

Julia, while you were asleep,

we've had sort of a breakthrough

in our relationship
with Suzanne.

I was afraid of that
when that dancing started.

It turns out that
she's jealous of us.

Oh, well, I wouldn't go
so far as to say jealous.

Well, that's what you said.

I know, but I was under duress.

I thought I was dying.

But I'm not, I'm alive,

and I'm just going
to go on living,

and laughing, and loving,
and doing something

constructive with my life.

I'm going to visit
people in nursing homes.

See the orphans
and the handicapped.

On second thought,
maybe I'll just take

a middle-income family
out to a fancy restaurant.

So much for our
big breakthrough.

I knew it wouldn't last.

All right, Julia.

You want us to tell you
what's wrong with you?

No. I know what's wrong with me.

I have bad breath.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to kill that Consuela.

When I think about
what she did to me,

I ought to just call her
up on the phone and say,

"Consuela, guess what?

This is Suzanne,
and it's after midnight.

Ha, ha, ha."

I think you ought to
work on it a little more.

It's not quite there yet.

Can I have one of those mints?

Help yourself.

- Julia, what is this?
- Oh.

Oh, that's... that's
just a little voodoo doll

I happen to have
lying around the house.

I thought you said voodoo
was a lot of nonsense.

It is. Well, just
for the heck of it,

I called Clarence Otto at
the museum of folk history.

And he said the best
way to ward off a curse

is to put your own
curse on the cursor.

Or is it the cursee?

- So then, this is...
- Consuela.

You little devil, you.

You know, Julia,
that is just about

the sweetest thing
anybody's ever done for me.

That was sweet, wasn't it?

It sure was.

And this is just
about the nicest

slumber party I've had since

I became a mature adult.

If you'll excuse me, I
think I'll go to bed now.

I've got to get my beauty rest.

If you don't mind, Julia, I
might take the couch here

because sleeping on the
floor just makes my eyes puffy.

Suzanne, did I mention

Clarence says
taking the little pin

out of the little doll

leaves you very
little protection.

On the other hand,

sleeping on the floor
can be good for your back.

Well, I think it's
time we call it a night.

[Charlene] Me too, I've had it.

You're joking.

You mean, actually go to sleep?

I mean, it's not even time

for the minister to give
the sign-off sermonette.

Oh, come on,
Mary Jo, we're tired.

We've watched two scary
movies, pigged out on popcorn,

survived a death threat,
and told each other off.

I think that's about
enough for one evening.

[thunder rumbling]

Goodnight, everybody.

[all] Goodnight, Mary Jo.

I hate to ask this, but
do you think maybe,

just for old time's sake,

somebody could put a
little ice down my pajamas?

[Charlene] All
right, you guys...

[all talking at once]