Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 11 - New Year's Daze - full transcript
The ladies' New Year's Eve Party has a shadow cast over it-literally-when Charlene's boyfriend, Shadow, breaks out of prison to be with her.
♪♪ [theme]
[Charlene] One perfect rose.
Doesn't that sort of
say something to you?
Yeah. It says that mysterious
date of yours is cheap.
Joan Collins'
values strike again.
I can't help it, Julia.
I'm a quantity person.
That is made obvious
by your appetite.
You can't get me
angry tonight, Julia.
It's almost New Year's,
and that means a party.
And you know how
much I love parties.
It's just so much fun to
be the center of attention.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to help Claudia
pick out an outfit for tonight.
She's going to one of
those little co-ed parties
where a boy brings a girl.
Claudia has a date?
Well, no. It's
not really a date.
I mean... Well, I know it
sounds like a date, but it isn't,
because I won't
allow Claudia to date,
not until she's 16.
Then what would you call it?
Completely out of touch.
I remember my first
New Year's Eve party.
There I was with Tommy Garson,
ringing out the old,
kissing in the new.
That was the year I first
learned about the bases.
Forgive my ignorance, Suzanne,
but I don't believe
they covered the bases
in my edition of the Masters
and Johnson's manual.
Oh, you know.
First base is French kissing.
Second base is breast.
- Third base...
- All right, Suzanne.
You can spare us third
and sliding into home.
I guess I was
about 13 then, too.
Kind of reminds me of me.
Maybe I can stop
her before she leaves.
Well, I'd like to know
where's Anthony?
Right here, Julia.
Oh, that is eerie
the way he does that.
You know, the way that
Anthony just shows up
when you mention his name?
Here's that stuff you wanted
from the gourmet shop.
Thank you, Anthony.
Oh, yeah, and I especially
want to thank you, Suzanne,
for calling ahead
and letting them know
I was picking up all this stuff
to be charged to your account.
Oh, I forgot to
do that, didn't I?
Oh, gee, Anthony, I hope
you didn't have any trouble.
Well, I don't think the
owner of that fancy store
exactly thought
I belonged there.
Well, what makes you say that?
Well, it wasn't too
hard to figure, Mary Jo.
Maybe it was the
scarf, you know?
It was kind of cold out
and I was wearing it
a little high on my face.
Anyway, when I
approached the cash register,
he started screaming,
"This is a hold up!
This is a hold up!"
Oh, my gosh. What did you say?
I didn't say anything.
I hit the floor just
like everybody else.
Then it suddenly occurred to me
that I kind of stood out
among the patronage.
Kind of like a reverse Oreo.
Well, were you able
to explain to the owner
that it was all just a
big misunderstanding?
Yeah, but I think he
was kind of disappointed,
being he had already
pressed the silent alarm
to police headquarters.
I can't tell you
what a joy it is
being surrounded by a
S.W.A.T. squad during errands.
Thank goodness the
police believed you.
Yeah, well, I guess they figured
most professional
thieves do not pull a heist
for 4 quarts of eggnog
and some goose pâté.
Anyway, I'd like
to wish you ladies
a very happy New Year.
- Well, happy New Year
to you, too, Anthony.
- Happy New Year, Anthony.
Well, I'm just dying to meet
this mystery date of yours.
How come you won't tell us?
Well, you'll see when we
meet him at the restaurant.
It's a surprise, that's all.
Well, it was awful sweet
of him to send you this rose.
"Can't wait to break out
the New Year together."
Signed "S".
Who could "S" be?
Stevie Wonder.
Don't worry.
He's not somebody
awful like Momar Kadafi
or the Boston Strangler.
That was certainly the pair
I had it narrowed down to.
Anyway, none of us have
met Suzanne's date, either.
Well, you will.
Worth's stretch limousine
is going to pick us all up
in about half an hour.
You know, I... [laughing]
I still cannot believe that
you are actually dating
an 82-year-old man.
Worth Carrington happens to
be a very fascinating person.
I don't suppose it hurts
that he's in the Fortune 500.
Oh, is he?
I had no idea of Worth's worth.
Isn't J.D. going
to meet us here?
Uh, he was, but now
he's just going to meet us
at the restaurant.
He had to drop his kids off
over at his ex-wife's place.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I just hate it when
he goes over there.
She has this idea that she
still owns him on the holidays.
She just cannot accept
the fact that divorce
is a 365-day-a-year event.
Well, I thought
J.D.'s wife left him
so she could go find herself.
Yeah, she did.
Unfortunately, she
keeps trying to find herself
back in his bedroom.
Now, Mary Jo, everybody
knows J.D. is crazy about you.
You just take it from me.
You be sweet, patient,
and understanding.
[phone rings]
Sugarbakers'.
Oh, hi, Reese.
Happy New Year to you, too.
You are?
Yeah, she's right here.
He's in New York.
As in the city in the
state of New York
and not here with me after
we planned this evening
two months in advance?
Happy New Year to you, too.
And you can just
stay in New York
with year-old new tax laws.
Gee, Julia, that was real sweet,
patient, and understanding.
I've always detested
New Year's Eve anyway.
[laughs]
It's so silly...
everybody trying
so desperately hard to be happy.
And if you're not
blissfully happy,
then you feel like you're
some kind of a failure.
Well, I think you can just
count me out for tonight.
♪♪ ["When the
Saints Go Marching In"]
Suzanne, have you checked
Worth's pulse recently?
I mean, he looks
sort of dead to me.
Oh, no. He's alive.
I can hear that
geriatric wheezing of his.
Well, his chauffeur says he drinks
champagne like this every New Year's,
he's so happy to make
it into the next year.
Yeah, he just wants
to celebrate 1987.
1987... Is this 1987?
- Not yet, Worth.
- Oh.
- Are you J.D. Shackelford?
- Yes.
- Your wife's on the phone.
- Ex-wife.
Uh, excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
I have never seen
radar like that woman has
for tracking him down.
I mean, for heaven's sakes,
they've been
divorced since 1984.
1987?
- Not yet, Worth.
- Oh.
You know, Mary Jo,
I think you're being
an awfully good
sport about this.
I mean, if J.D.
were my boyfriend,
I would be stark, raving crazy.
I'd be plotting revenge.
I would call New
Jersey, hire a hit man,
and get that woman
fitted for cement shoes.
Watch her try to tread
water in the Hudson.
You think they have
an 800 number?
Well, at least our
dates showed up.
Shadow will be here
in a min... Shadow?
Yeah.
Well, how come you
didn't tell us before?
Because you're
always getting on me
about going out with
the wrong kind of men.
I knew you didn't want
me to date Shadow.
Well, I wasn't exactly
crazy about him
from what you told me about him,
but then I never have
been partial to men
with bullet holes
in their pants.
Well, he's my friend.
If you ask me, I think
Julia got the best deal,
and I think we
were pretty rotten
to leave her alone like that.
Since when did you
develop a conscience?
Since Howard Hughes over there
started snoring
louder than that band.
Well, that was Janet.
Really?
And what did she have to say?
Oh, nothing.
She was watching Casablanca.
That was our favorite
movie when we were married,
and they were at that part
where Bogie and Bergman kiss...
I've seen the movie, thank you.
I'm not real big on reruns,
if you know what I mean.
Yes, I think I do, and
I also think I'm a jerk.
I'm sorry.
I'll tell you what.
Let's all go back there
and surprise Julia right now.
I'll just leave a little "thank
you" note here in Worth's horn.
How much am I into you now for?
$3,450,000, but I'm
willing to take an IOU
because you've been so nice
as to keep me company tonight.
Well, since my
date fell through,
I didn't see any
reason for both of us
to spend the evening alone.
- We're back!
- [party favors
squawking, rattling]
- Surprise.
- Surprise!
We decided to come and
spend New Year's with you.
And I need to make a call.
Well, Suzanne,
where's your date?
He turned out to be
closer to Father Time
than Daddy Warbucks.
I-I know this the forth
time I called you, Claudia.
I just want to make sure
you're having a good time.
And that you're not into
any contact sports, hah.
You know, like
football, tag... baseball.
Pretty subtle.
All right, sweetie.
Happy New Year to you, too.
I love you. Bye.
Look, the big ball's about
to go down on Time Square.
Let's get the confetti.
Oh, it's just not the same
without Guy Lombardo.
Oh, I know what you mean.
It's just like in the
Miss America Pageant.
I mean, they can have all the
dimpled pretty boys they want to MC it.
It's just not the same
without that smiling Bert Parks
looking down
those girls' dresses.
[laughter]
10... [All] 9, 8,
7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year, darling.
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
♪ ...Never brought to mind? ♪
♪ Should old
acquaintance be forgot... ♪
[News Anchor on TV] We interrupt
this program for this special bulletin.
Peter, alias "Shadow",
Wallace has just escaped
from maximum security at
the Atlanta Federal Prison.
Wallace is reportedly
armed and dangerous.
We will interrupt
with further details
as they become available.
[turns down volume]
Charlene.
What?
Isn't that Shadow,
your New Year's mystery date?
Let me get this straight.
You had a date with
an escaped convict?
Well, all he wrote me
was that he'd be getting out
for New Year's.
I kind of assumed
he meant paroled.
So, Charlene, did you
tell your friend Shadow
that you'd be coming here?
No. When I wrote him,
I told him to meet
us at the restaurant.
Oh, that reminds me!
We left in such a rush, I
forgot to leave him a message.
[All] Charlene!
What?
Oh, shoot.
Shadow wouldn't hurt a fly.
It is not the insect population
that we're worried about.
Oh, now, if you knew him,
if you could see his face,
you know, it's... It's
downright angelic.
So was Baby Face Nelson's.
[door bell chimes]
Shh, shh.
[muttering]
Happy New Year.
What are you doing,
snooping around out there?
[sniffing]
Fuzz.
[deeply inhales]
Feds. Trust me. This
nose never fails me.
Well, actually, the
gentleman is correct.
Uh, there's been a
prison break tonight
and we were wondering if
he was in this neighborhood.
What would give you that idea?
Well, we know Shadow's
been writing to you, Miss Frazier.
We didn't see him
at the bar tonight
and I was wondering
if he showed up here.
Were you expecting him to?
Well, quite frankly,
escaped prisoners
rarely leave a
forwarding address.
Uh, here's my card.
Now, if he does
call you or shows up,
please call me right away.
We won't leave these women alone
till you catch this guy.
Right.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Now, listen. Don't
you ladies worry.
I know the psychopathic
mentality of the criminal,
having come up against it
during my unjustly accused days...
Their scheming ways, their
conniving, devious minds.
In fact, if there is
one common thread,
it's that they're
all unpredictable.
And crazy.
And trigger-happy.
That's it. Nobody
leaves this house tonight.
Oh, now, Julia,
that's unnecessary.
Shadow's a good person.
Didn't you just hear Anthony say
"crazy and unpredictable
and trigger-happy"?
Well, maybe he meant
that in a positive way.
Oh, come on, throw
it, don't make love to it.
Oh, man, that
quarterback is worthless.
Without a doubt, my two
favorite things in the world
are taking down
the Christmas tree
and watching four
football games in one day.
Shoot, I kind of like
watching football
where all those guys sweat.
It's real masculine to me.
Of course, I like the
smell of locker rooms, too.
I especially like the way they
slap each other's little behinds
after a really good play.
But I do think they're kind
of perverted for doing it.
In my opinion, there's more
going on on the football fields
than half the married
bedrooms in America.
- Yes, yes! Great, great!
- No. no, no, no, no.
- [phone ringing]
- [ornament shatters]
I got it.
Hello?
Yes, Officer. Yes.
Oh, you did, huh?
Good work.
Yes, that'll put a lot
of minds to ease here.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Thank you for calling.
Bye-bye.
Well, they caught Shadow.
[all sighing]
They did?
Oh, Charlene, I know
you feel bad about this,
but believe me,
it's for the best.
Really, I don't know
what possessed you
to invite an escaped convict
for New Year's Eve, anyway.
He wasn't escaped
when I invited him.
Anyway, he told me he
was doing undercover work.
Well, the Brooklyn Bridge
is sold, but I can get you
an excellent deal
on the Golden Gate.
Look, Julia, I know you think
I believe people too much,
but, I mean, it's holiday time.
You're supposed to have
faith in your fellow man.
I mean, Anthony's an
ex-convict and we trust him.
Well, listen, the Cotton Bowl's
over and we got just enough time
before Arkansas creams
Oklahoma to get a pizza?
Great idea. Extra pepperoni.
[scoffs] Arkansas? You've
got to be kidding, man.
The Boz plays for Oklahoma,
and he is the greatest
white player I've ever seen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm telling you, it is going to
be the Razorbacks by 7 points.
No, it'll be the Sooners
by about 8, man.
The Razorbacks!
- What's wrong with you?
- You've seen Boz's hair.
- The Boz is...
- He paints his hair with...
Kind of makes the
Kennedy-Nixon debates
pale by comparison, doesn't it?
Well, maybe I'll call my
kids over at Ted's house
and wish them a Happy New Year.
Mary Jo, that is the
fifth time you have called.
I mean, most families don't
speak that much in a month.
I know.
I'm just not used to being
without them New Year's Day.
Usually, we... we'd sit down
and write our resolutions.
Well, we can do that.
Oh, and then we can
read them out loud.
- [turns up volume]
- It's Shadow on the TV.
[News Anchor] is still at large.
An intensive search
is being conducted.
More details at 6:00.
That's impossible, isn't it?
Well, you know how slow these
news people are to find things out.
I mean, Dan Rather doesn't
know anything till 7:00.
Come on, Mary
Jo. We're starting.
What if that bulletin is true?
I wish J.D. and Anthony
would come back.
Oh, now, come on.
This'll take your mind off it.
- You start, Suzanne.
- Okay.
From now on, I'm going to
pluck my eyebrows differently.
Your turn, Mary Jo.
This year I'm going to
try and be more brazen.
I'm going to speak my
mind and not worry so much
about pleasing people.
You really think
you can do that?
Well, I won't if you don't
think it's a good idea.
Okay.
Starting today,
I'm going to try to
be less judgmental.
For instance, Suzanne,
I won't automatically assume
that you won't date a man
whose net worth doesn't
exceed J.R. Ewing's.
Okay, my turn.
Let's see. Oh.
From now on, I'm
not going to just go on
and on and on and on
with my endless
thoughts, you know?
Like I always think that
Allen Funt's hidden cameras
are everywhere, you know?
Like, for instance, when
I go to the grocery store
and I go to buy a box of
cookies, and I pull one box out,
and that entire huge pile
falls down on the floor,
and I want to run
because I'm humiliated?
But I'm always afraid
those cameras are there,
- so I try to pick them up...
- Charlene!
Shh.
Does anybody hear a noise?
I didn't hear anything.
I wish J.D. and
Anthony would get back.
I just know it's those
extra pepperonis
that are keeping them.
Now you're trying to
blame my extra pepperonis
for our being murdered?
Oh, now, come on. Calm down.
No one's going to get murdered.
Suzanne, you're next.
Okay.
I'm going to try
different-colored fashion combs
on the right side of my hair.
Suzanne!
Can't you make any resolutions
that are more
important than that?
What do you mean
"more important"?
Well, I think what
Julia means is...
Is something that would
change your inner self
or maybe help the world.
Oh, that! Yes, yes.
Oh, I have one of those.
I just haven't read it yet.
Here's one.
Next year, I'm going to travel
to an underdeveloped nation
and feed starving children.
You are?
Well, I'm not
going to live there
or anything like that.
I'm just going to, you
know, visit occasionally
and come back before I get one
of those underdeveloped diseases.
- Like what?
- Like poverty.
You actually wrote that down?
Well, I didn't have time to write
the whole thing out completely.
I abbreviated.
There.
"Et cetera"?
Charlene.
Oh, okay.
From now on, I'm
going to be less trusting.
Well, I, personally, would miss
that trusting nature of yours.
I have to agree with
Mary Jo, Charlene.
I've always found that to
be one of your finer qualities.
Well, it can get me
in plenty of trouble.
But you wouldn't be Charlene
without that blind
faith in others.
Oh, I agree.
Me, too.
[screaming]
Shadow, you made it!
I never break a promise.
I've only got a minute, but
I wanted to say good-bye.
Oh, no, no. Now, come on.
We got eggnog
and leftover pâté...
Charlene, really.
If the man says he's in a rush,
I see no reason to detain him.
- [door bell chimes]
- [all gasp]
Well, aren't you
going to answer it?
[All] Aah!
Well?
Is Shadow here?
I'm over here, Herb.
Oh, I didn't see you.
I keep forgetting that's
why they call you "Shadow".
Look, uh, we got to get going.
The local police are
getting pretty close,
so whenever you're
ready, we'll be in the car.
Happy New Year.
Do you think that's
the way Eliot Ness
would have handled
this situation?
Well, I've got a new
assignment now.
And that's why the Bureau
staged my break-out.
I told them I had to
see you before I left.
And I would have
been here last night,
but the local police are
actually trying to catch me.
Do you mean you actually
are an undercover agent?
Yeah. Didn't Charlene tell you?
Well, yes, but...
You know, you really have
been a true friend to me.
You never once forgot to write.
And, uh, that's
why I couldn't leave
without saying good-bye,
because I don't know
when I'll be seeing you again.
You know, Charlene always wrote
how much you all
mean to each other.
And that's a really
special relationship
the four of you have.
Hmm. Friendship.
I guess that's
what it's all about.
Well, I better shove off.
Come here, doll.
Mwah.
Don't ever change.
Here's looking at you, kid.
I'll miss you.
- Bye.
- Good-bye, Shadow.
You know, Charlene,
your friend is right.
When you think about it,
we're awfully lucky to
have another year together.
I'll pour the eggnog.
I'll eat the pâté.
Suzanne, you know,
the one resolution
you should have
made... Was what, Julia?
[sighs] Nothing, Suzanne.
You just eat all that
pâté that you want.
You're my baby sister and
you'll always be beautiful to me.
I love you, too, Julia.
In fact, I love
everyone in this room.
This is like a chapter
out of Little Women.
To 1987.
The best is yet to come.
[All] To 1987.
♪♪ [theme]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
[Charlene] One perfect rose.
Doesn't that sort of
say something to you?
Yeah. It says that mysterious
date of yours is cheap.
Joan Collins'
values strike again.
I can't help it, Julia.
I'm a quantity person.
That is made obvious
by your appetite.
You can't get me
angry tonight, Julia.
It's almost New Year's,
and that means a party.
And you know how
much I love parties.
It's just so much fun to
be the center of attention.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to help Claudia
pick out an outfit for tonight.
She's going to one of
those little co-ed parties
where a boy brings a girl.
Claudia has a date?
Well, no. It's
not really a date.
I mean... Well, I know it
sounds like a date, but it isn't,
because I won't
allow Claudia to date,
not until she's 16.
Then what would you call it?
Completely out of touch.
I remember my first
New Year's Eve party.
There I was with Tommy Garson,
ringing out the old,
kissing in the new.
That was the year I first
learned about the bases.
Forgive my ignorance, Suzanne,
but I don't believe
they covered the bases
in my edition of the Masters
and Johnson's manual.
Oh, you know.
First base is French kissing.
Second base is breast.
- Third base...
- All right, Suzanne.
You can spare us third
and sliding into home.
I guess I was
about 13 then, too.
Kind of reminds me of me.
Maybe I can stop
her before she leaves.
Well, I'd like to know
where's Anthony?
Right here, Julia.
Oh, that is eerie
the way he does that.
You know, the way that
Anthony just shows up
when you mention his name?
Here's that stuff you wanted
from the gourmet shop.
Thank you, Anthony.
Oh, yeah, and I especially
want to thank you, Suzanne,
for calling ahead
and letting them know
I was picking up all this stuff
to be charged to your account.
Oh, I forgot to
do that, didn't I?
Oh, gee, Anthony, I hope
you didn't have any trouble.
Well, I don't think the
owner of that fancy store
exactly thought
I belonged there.
Well, what makes you say that?
Well, it wasn't too
hard to figure, Mary Jo.
Maybe it was the
scarf, you know?
It was kind of cold out
and I was wearing it
a little high on my face.
Anyway, when I
approached the cash register,
he started screaming,
"This is a hold up!
This is a hold up!"
Oh, my gosh. What did you say?
I didn't say anything.
I hit the floor just
like everybody else.
Then it suddenly occurred to me
that I kind of stood out
among the patronage.
Kind of like a reverse Oreo.
Well, were you able
to explain to the owner
that it was all just a
big misunderstanding?
Yeah, but I think he
was kind of disappointed,
being he had already
pressed the silent alarm
to police headquarters.
I can't tell you
what a joy it is
being surrounded by a
S.W.A.T. squad during errands.
Thank goodness the
police believed you.
Yeah, well, I guess they figured
most professional
thieves do not pull a heist
for 4 quarts of eggnog
and some goose pâté.
Anyway, I'd like
to wish you ladies
a very happy New Year.
- Well, happy New Year
to you, too, Anthony.
- Happy New Year, Anthony.
Well, I'm just dying to meet
this mystery date of yours.
How come you won't tell us?
Well, you'll see when we
meet him at the restaurant.
It's a surprise, that's all.
Well, it was awful sweet
of him to send you this rose.
"Can't wait to break out
the New Year together."
Signed "S".
Who could "S" be?
Stevie Wonder.
Don't worry.
He's not somebody
awful like Momar Kadafi
or the Boston Strangler.
That was certainly the pair
I had it narrowed down to.
Anyway, none of us have
met Suzanne's date, either.
Well, you will.
Worth's stretch limousine
is going to pick us all up
in about half an hour.
You know, I... [laughing]
I still cannot believe that
you are actually dating
an 82-year-old man.
Worth Carrington happens to
be a very fascinating person.
I don't suppose it hurts
that he's in the Fortune 500.
Oh, is he?
I had no idea of Worth's worth.
Isn't J.D. going
to meet us here?
Uh, he was, but now
he's just going to meet us
at the restaurant.
He had to drop his kids off
over at his ex-wife's place.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I just hate it when
he goes over there.
She has this idea that she
still owns him on the holidays.
She just cannot accept
the fact that divorce
is a 365-day-a-year event.
Well, I thought
J.D.'s wife left him
so she could go find herself.
Yeah, she did.
Unfortunately, she
keeps trying to find herself
back in his bedroom.
Now, Mary Jo, everybody
knows J.D. is crazy about you.
You just take it from me.
You be sweet, patient,
and understanding.
[phone rings]
Sugarbakers'.
Oh, hi, Reese.
Happy New Year to you, too.
You are?
Yeah, she's right here.
He's in New York.
As in the city in the
state of New York
and not here with me after
we planned this evening
two months in advance?
Happy New Year to you, too.
And you can just
stay in New York
with year-old new tax laws.
Gee, Julia, that was real sweet,
patient, and understanding.
I've always detested
New Year's Eve anyway.
[laughs]
It's so silly...
everybody trying
so desperately hard to be happy.
And if you're not
blissfully happy,
then you feel like you're
some kind of a failure.
Well, I think you can just
count me out for tonight.
♪♪ ["When the
Saints Go Marching In"]
Suzanne, have you checked
Worth's pulse recently?
I mean, he looks
sort of dead to me.
Oh, no. He's alive.
I can hear that
geriatric wheezing of his.
Well, his chauffeur says he drinks
champagne like this every New Year's,
he's so happy to make
it into the next year.
Yeah, he just wants
to celebrate 1987.
1987... Is this 1987?
- Not yet, Worth.
- Oh.
- Are you J.D. Shackelford?
- Yes.
- Your wife's on the phone.
- Ex-wife.
Uh, excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
I have never seen
radar like that woman has
for tracking him down.
I mean, for heaven's sakes,
they've been
divorced since 1984.
1987?
- Not yet, Worth.
- Oh.
You know, Mary Jo,
I think you're being
an awfully good
sport about this.
I mean, if J.D.
were my boyfriend,
I would be stark, raving crazy.
I'd be plotting revenge.
I would call New
Jersey, hire a hit man,
and get that woman
fitted for cement shoes.
Watch her try to tread
water in the Hudson.
You think they have
an 800 number?
Well, at least our
dates showed up.
Shadow will be here
in a min... Shadow?
Yeah.
Well, how come you
didn't tell us before?
Because you're
always getting on me
about going out with
the wrong kind of men.
I knew you didn't want
me to date Shadow.
Well, I wasn't exactly
crazy about him
from what you told me about him,
but then I never have
been partial to men
with bullet holes
in their pants.
Well, he's my friend.
If you ask me, I think
Julia got the best deal,
and I think we
were pretty rotten
to leave her alone like that.
Since when did you
develop a conscience?
Since Howard Hughes over there
started snoring
louder than that band.
Well, that was Janet.
Really?
And what did she have to say?
Oh, nothing.
She was watching Casablanca.
That was our favorite
movie when we were married,
and they were at that part
where Bogie and Bergman kiss...
I've seen the movie, thank you.
I'm not real big on reruns,
if you know what I mean.
Yes, I think I do, and
I also think I'm a jerk.
I'm sorry.
I'll tell you what.
Let's all go back there
and surprise Julia right now.
I'll just leave a little "thank
you" note here in Worth's horn.
How much am I into you now for?
$3,450,000, but I'm
willing to take an IOU
because you've been so nice
as to keep me company tonight.
Well, since my
date fell through,
I didn't see any
reason for both of us
to spend the evening alone.
- We're back!
- [party favors
squawking, rattling]
- Surprise.
- Surprise!
We decided to come and
spend New Year's with you.
And I need to make a call.
Well, Suzanne,
where's your date?
He turned out to be
closer to Father Time
than Daddy Warbucks.
I-I know this the forth
time I called you, Claudia.
I just want to make sure
you're having a good time.
And that you're not into
any contact sports, hah.
You know, like
football, tag... baseball.
Pretty subtle.
All right, sweetie.
Happy New Year to you, too.
I love you. Bye.
Look, the big ball's about
to go down on Time Square.
Let's get the confetti.
Oh, it's just not the same
without Guy Lombardo.
Oh, I know what you mean.
It's just like in the
Miss America Pageant.
I mean, they can have all the
dimpled pretty boys they want to MC it.
It's just not the same
without that smiling Bert Parks
looking down
those girls' dresses.
[laughter]
10... [All] 9, 8,
7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year, darling.
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
♪ ...Never brought to mind? ♪
♪ Should old
acquaintance be forgot... ♪
[News Anchor on TV] We interrupt
this program for this special bulletin.
Peter, alias "Shadow",
Wallace has just escaped
from maximum security at
the Atlanta Federal Prison.
Wallace is reportedly
armed and dangerous.
We will interrupt
with further details
as they become available.
[turns down volume]
Charlene.
What?
Isn't that Shadow,
your New Year's mystery date?
Let me get this straight.
You had a date with
an escaped convict?
Well, all he wrote me
was that he'd be getting out
for New Year's.
I kind of assumed
he meant paroled.
So, Charlene, did you
tell your friend Shadow
that you'd be coming here?
No. When I wrote him,
I told him to meet
us at the restaurant.
Oh, that reminds me!
We left in such a rush, I
forgot to leave him a message.
[All] Charlene!
What?
Oh, shoot.
Shadow wouldn't hurt a fly.
It is not the insect population
that we're worried about.
Oh, now, if you knew him,
if you could see his face,
you know, it's... It's
downright angelic.
So was Baby Face Nelson's.
[door bell chimes]
Shh, shh.
[muttering]
Happy New Year.
What are you doing,
snooping around out there?
[sniffing]
Fuzz.
[deeply inhales]
Feds. Trust me. This
nose never fails me.
Well, actually, the
gentleman is correct.
Uh, there's been a
prison break tonight
and we were wondering if
he was in this neighborhood.
What would give you that idea?
Well, we know Shadow's
been writing to you, Miss Frazier.
We didn't see him
at the bar tonight
and I was wondering
if he showed up here.
Were you expecting him to?
Well, quite frankly,
escaped prisoners
rarely leave a
forwarding address.
Uh, here's my card.
Now, if he does
call you or shows up,
please call me right away.
We won't leave these women alone
till you catch this guy.
Right.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Now, listen. Don't
you ladies worry.
I know the psychopathic
mentality of the criminal,
having come up against it
during my unjustly accused days...
Their scheming ways, their
conniving, devious minds.
In fact, if there is
one common thread,
it's that they're
all unpredictable.
And crazy.
And trigger-happy.
That's it. Nobody
leaves this house tonight.
Oh, now, Julia,
that's unnecessary.
Shadow's a good person.
Didn't you just hear Anthony say
"crazy and unpredictable
and trigger-happy"?
Well, maybe he meant
that in a positive way.
Oh, come on, throw
it, don't make love to it.
Oh, man, that
quarterback is worthless.
Without a doubt, my two
favorite things in the world
are taking down
the Christmas tree
and watching four
football games in one day.
Shoot, I kind of like
watching football
where all those guys sweat.
It's real masculine to me.
Of course, I like the
smell of locker rooms, too.
I especially like the way they
slap each other's little behinds
after a really good play.
But I do think they're kind
of perverted for doing it.
In my opinion, there's more
going on on the football fields
than half the married
bedrooms in America.
- Yes, yes! Great, great!
- No. no, no, no, no.
- [phone ringing]
- [ornament shatters]
I got it.
Hello?
Yes, Officer. Yes.
Oh, you did, huh?
Good work.
Yes, that'll put a lot
of minds to ease here.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Thank you for calling.
Bye-bye.
Well, they caught Shadow.
[all sighing]
They did?
Oh, Charlene, I know
you feel bad about this,
but believe me,
it's for the best.
Really, I don't know
what possessed you
to invite an escaped convict
for New Year's Eve, anyway.
He wasn't escaped
when I invited him.
Anyway, he told me he
was doing undercover work.
Well, the Brooklyn Bridge
is sold, but I can get you
an excellent deal
on the Golden Gate.
Look, Julia, I know you think
I believe people too much,
but, I mean, it's holiday time.
You're supposed to have
faith in your fellow man.
I mean, Anthony's an
ex-convict and we trust him.
Well, listen, the Cotton Bowl's
over and we got just enough time
before Arkansas creams
Oklahoma to get a pizza?
Great idea. Extra pepperoni.
[scoffs] Arkansas? You've
got to be kidding, man.
The Boz plays for Oklahoma,
and he is the greatest
white player I've ever seen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm telling you, it is going to
be the Razorbacks by 7 points.
No, it'll be the Sooners
by about 8, man.
The Razorbacks!
- What's wrong with you?
- You've seen Boz's hair.
- The Boz is...
- He paints his hair with...
Kind of makes the
Kennedy-Nixon debates
pale by comparison, doesn't it?
Well, maybe I'll call my
kids over at Ted's house
and wish them a Happy New Year.
Mary Jo, that is the
fifth time you have called.
I mean, most families don't
speak that much in a month.
I know.
I'm just not used to being
without them New Year's Day.
Usually, we... we'd sit down
and write our resolutions.
Well, we can do that.
Oh, and then we can
read them out loud.
- [turns up volume]
- It's Shadow on the TV.
[News Anchor] is still at large.
An intensive search
is being conducted.
More details at 6:00.
That's impossible, isn't it?
Well, you know how slow these
news people are to find things out.
I mean, Dan Rather doesn't
know anything till 7:00.
Come on, Mary
Jo. We're starting.
What if that bulletin is true?
I wish J.D. and Anthony
would come back.
Oh, now, come on.
This'll take your mind off it.
- You start, Suzanne.
- Okay.
From now on, I'm going to
pluck my eyebrows differently.
Your turn, Mary Jo.
This year I'm going to
try and be more brazen.
I'm going to speak my
mind and not worry so much
about pleasing people.
You really think
you can do that?
Well, I won't if you don't
think it's a good idea.
Okay.
Starting today,
I'm going to try to
be less judgmental.
For instance, Suzanne,
I won't automatically assume
that you won't date a man
whose net worth doesn't
exceed J.R. Ewing's.
Okay, my turn.
Let's see. Oh.
From now on, I'm
not going to just go on
and on and on and on
with my endless
thoughts, you know?
Like I always think that
Allen Funt's hidden cameras
are everywhere, you know?
Like, for instance, when
I go to the grocery store
and I go to buy a box of
cookies, and I pull one box out,
and that entire huge pile
falls down on the floor,
and I want to run
because I'm humiliated?
But I'm always afraid
those cameras are there,
- so I try to pick them up...
- Charlene!
Shh.
Does anybody hear a noise?
I didn't hear anything.
I wish J.D. and
Anthony would get back.
I just know it's those
extra pepperonis
that are keeping them.
Now you're trying to
blame my extra pepperonis
for our being murdered?
Oh, now, come on. Calm down.
No one's going to get murdered.
Suzanne, you're next.
Okay.
I'm going to try
different-colored fashion combs
on the right side of my hair.
Suzanne!
Can't you make any resolutions
that are more
important than that?
What do you mean
"more important"?
Well, I think what
Julia means is...
Is something that would
change your inner self
or maybe help the world.
Oh, that! Yes, yes.
Oh, I have one of those.
I just haven't read it yet.
Here's one.
Next year, I'm going to travel
to an underdeveloped nation
and feed starving children.
You are?
Well, I'm not
going to live there
or anything like that.
I'm just going to, you
know, visit occasionally
and come back before I get one
of those underdeveloped diseases.
- Like what?
- Like poverty.
You actually wrote that down?
Well, I didn't have time to write
the whole thing out completely.
I abbreviated.
There.
"Et cetera"?
Charlene.
Oh, okay.
From now on, I'm
going to be less trusting.
Well, I, personally, would miss
that trusting nature of yours.
I have to agree with
Mary Jo, Charlene.
I've always found that to
be one of your finer qualities.
Well, it can get me
in plenty of trouble.
But you wouldn't be Charlene
without that blind
faith in others.
Oh, I agree.
Me, too.
[screaming]
Shadow, you made it!
I never break a promise.
I've only got a minute, but
I wanted to say good-bye.
Oh, no, no. Now, come on.
We got eggnog
and leftover pâté...
Charlene, really.
If the man says he's in a rush,
I see no reason to detain him.
- [door bell chimes]
- [all gasp]
Well, aren't you
going to answer it?
[All] Aah!
Well?
Is Shadow here?
I'm over here, Herb.
Oh, I didn't see you.
I keep forgetting that's
why they call you "Shadow".
Look, uh, we got to get going.
The local police are
getting pretty close,
so whenever you're
ready, we'll be in the car.
Happy New Year.
Do you think that's
the way Eliot Ness
would have handled
this situation?
Well, I've got a new
assignment now.
And that's why the Bureau
staged my break-out.
I told them I had to
see you before I left.
And I would have
been here last night,
but the local police are
actually trying to catch me.
Do you mean you actually
are an undercover agent?
Yeah. Didn't Charlene tell you?
Well, yes, but...
You know, you really have
been a true friend to me.
You never once forgot to write.
And, uh, that's
why I couldn't leave
without saying good-bye,
because I don't know
when I'll be seeing you again.
You know, Charlene always wrote
how much you all
mean to each other.
And that's a really
special relationship
the four of you have.
Hmm. Friendship.
I guess that's
what it's all about.
Well, I better shove off.
Come here, doll.
Mwah.
Don't ever change.
Here's looking at you, kid.
I'll miss you.
- Bye.
- Good-bye, Shadow.
You know, Charlene,
your friend is right.
When you think about it,
we're awfully lucky to
have another year together.
I'll pour the eggnog.
I'll eat the pâté.
Suzanne, you know,
the one resolution
you should have
made... Was what, Julia?
[sighs] Nothing, Suzanne.
You just eat all that
pâté that you want.
You're my baby sister and
you'll always be beautiful to me.
I love you, too, Julia.
In fact, I love
everyone in this room.
This is like a chapter
out of Little Women.
To 1987.
The best is yet to come.
[All] To 1987.
♪♪ [theme]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA