Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 12 - Old Spouses Never Die: Part 1 - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Good morning.

Hi.

Guess what.

Jerry Lee Lewis is going to
be at the convention center

this Saturday,
and I got tickets.

Oh, I thought you
had his tickets before.

I did. Three times, but
he never showed up.

Just once before I die

I want to see Jerry
Lee Lewis in concert.

This could be it. Now,
come on, go with me.



No, thanks. I can't.

J.D. and I are going out.

Although, I probably shouldn't.

Why not?

Because the kids are spending
every night this week with Ted

because he asked for extra time

because he's going to
a medical convention.

I just... I hate not to have
them on the weekend, too.

Why? Is he still spoiling them?

His idea of compensating
for the divorce

is letting them have
French fries for breakfast.

So when they come
home, I'm Attila the Hun,

who makes them eat grapefruit.

You make them eat grapefruit?



I put sugar on it. Charlene,
that's not the point.

I know, but I just
hate grapefruit.

Then I won't make
you eat any, okay?

I mean, they're just
getting so materialistic.

Particularly Quinton.

"Daddy has a Jaguar.

Daddy has a swimming pool."

Oh, come on. He's only six.

He'll get over that.

The other night,

after hours of watching
Gone With the Wind,

his only question is,

"Was Rhett Butler
a millionaire?"

Was he? I mean before the war.

Charlene, that's not the point.

I know, I'm just wondering.

I watched it, too,
for the 27th time.

- Doesn't it just
make you sick?
- What?

That they don't make
them like Rhett anymore?

I mean, he was so heroic.

I guess I don't even think
about stuff like that anymore.

I mean, you know, if there is
one thing that I pride myself on,

it's the way I'm
bringing up my kids.

The other day, when
Ted brought them home,

he said, "You better watch out.

You just might turn
into an unfit mother."

That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

Nobody's a better
mother than you.

You bake cookies all the time,

you never miss a school program,

you're up all night the
night before Halloween.

Now you name me another mother
who'd bother to shellac a dinosaur outfit

so that the scales
would look wet.

I mean, J.D. and I
have never even done it.

And this man, who has hot and
cold running women in his house,

is accusing me of
being an unfit mother?

You and J.D. have never done it?

Charlene, that's not the point.

And it's not even that I care
so much what Ted thinks,

it's just that he does
have an awful lot of money

and he might be able
to convince people

that he could raise
them better than me.

Oh, now, Mary Jo.
Now, you stop that.

Nobody's going to take Quinton
and Claudia away from you.

Ted's just trying
to control you.

You can't let him stop you
from living your own life.

You have kissed
J.D., haven't you?

Charlene, I should
think it would be enough

that I bring in most of
Sugarbakers' clients.

I mean, it's not easy
wining and dining

a different person every
day and trying to think

of something stimulating to
say about interior decorating.

But if I can get myself
out of bed every morning,

put on a face like this,

and get myself
dressed to the nines,

the minimum you could
do as the office manager

is to tell me whether or
not the people I'm going

to be having lunch
with are homosexuals.

Suzanne, this may
come as a surprise to you,

but I do not consider a
person's sexual persuasion

any of my business.
That is personal.

You know, like, "Have
you ever been arrested

or voted for Richard Nixon?"

I voted for Richard Nixon.

That's not the point!

I've wanted to say that
to somebody for so long.

You know, I don't
think you understand

the trouble I go to
for these lunches.

I mean, do you think
I would have worn

this uncomfortable dress
cut tight just below the bodice

if I'd known I was going to be
having lunch with homosexuals?

It was a complete disaster.

Why? What'd you do? Molest them?

Of course not.

It was just a whole
different way of relating.

I mean, you don't flirt,

you don't give
certain kinds of looks.

I need time to get
myself into that mode.

Well, uh, are you
able to communicate

with us heterosexuals
again, or is it too soon?

Funny not.

The rest of my alimony
checks come in yet?

Yes. I color-coded them
according to length of marriage.

Hi, Julia.

- Oh, did you find
a birthday present for Payne?
- Yes.

Julia, why didn't you tell me?

I mean, here I am,
his only aunt, and I...

You think he'd like a
pen with my name on it?

[both] No.

What did you get him?

I finally found him a
pair of pigskin boots,

which is what he said he wanted.

But of course, shopping
being what it is today,

it would have been much
simpler to go out into the woods

and wrestle a pig bare-handed.

Well, I see we've had another
altercation with the public at large.

There was no altercation.

I simply refused to
be pushed around

by department stores
where nobody cares anymore

because they've all been
bought by major corporations

who put teenagers in
charge of the merchandise,

who haven't got a clue
as to where to find it.

Whatever happened
to service with a smile?

"How may we help you?" and
"Thank you," and "Come again."

I'll tell you what happened.

They went with that little
fellow at the gas station.

- What little fellow?
- You know, that little fellow

in the neatly pressed
uniform and bow tie,

who always used to
say, "Fill 'er up, ma'am?"

Yeah, I miss that guy.
What happened to him?

They killed him.

Who killed him?

All those vacuous,
slack-jawed people

who sit in their
little glass booths

and tell you to
pump it yourself.

That's right.

There is just no sense of style

or grace or pride anymore.

It is a pump-it-yourself,

$4.95 all-you-can-eat world.

Yeah, and y'all notice
how the repair people

that come to your house don't
look like Mister Rogers anymore?

Isn't that the truth?

They all look like
mass murderers.

I mean, sometimes I have
to stop and think to myself,

I want my dishwasher fixed,

but do I want it bad
enough to die for it?

What are you taking?

Ted's old vitamins.

Well, don't they lose
their potency after a while?

Yeah. So did he.

Mary Jo!

I'm sorry. I know that
was tacky. I'm mad at him.

What's the matter? Is he
trying to run your life again?

You know, I think
he just can't stand it

'cause J.D.'s the first
man I've cared about

- since the divorce.
- Its that old double standard.

You know, he can have
all the girlfriends he wants,

but you're just supposed to
be the mother of his children.

And Janet, J.D.'s
ex-wife, isn't much better.

I mean, I don't believe that we
have spent one evening together

when she hasn't called to say

that something is stopped
up, flooded, or overdrawn.

I just hope I
never run into her.

I might have to give
her a piece of my mind.

- May we help you?
- Yeah.

I'd just like to know

which one of you bitches
is Mary Jo Shively?

[Suzanne, Charlene,
Julia] She is.

Excuse me?

Janet Shackleford, J.D.'s wife.

Well, what a coincidence.

We were just...

Excuse me. There is
an ex in there, isn't there?

Don't you count on
it. That's why I'm here.

I get the distinct
impression you think

your relationship with J.D.
just might be going somewhere.

Let me save you a lot of time
and trouble. It isn't gonna happen.

Our divorce was a mistake,
and we are in the process

of trying to rectify that now,

and I for one do not
appreciate your interference.

So I suggest you go back
to your own ex-husband.

Or try to find a man who doesn't
have three wonderful children

and a wife who's been
at his side for 14 years.

Because when it comes to J.D.,

I am one customer
you do not want to cross.

I'm sure we
understand each other.

And one other thing...

J.D.'s descriptive powers have
always been somewhat lacking,

but I can see this time
he was right on target.

When I asked him
what you looked like,

he said you were just average.

Well, I guess you told her.

I just don't understand where
she would have gotten the idea

that y'all were gonna
get back together

- if you never mentioned it.
- You don't know Janet.

No, you don't know Janet.

You seem to think of her
as this helpless person.

Trust me. The woman I met
today could've taken Poland.

Yeah, well, she's
been going through

this assertiveness
training thing.

Oh, well, that's all I need...

A boyfriend with an
ex-wife in Rambo school.

I promise you it will
never happen again.

J.D., I...

I didn't even know you
until you were divorced.

She made me feel
like... the other woman.

Oh, Mary Jo, don't
pay any attention to that.

She didn't even want
me when she had me.

I mean, we never
shared the same dreams.

I wanted to be in baseball,

she wanted a guy with a
coat and a tie and hemorrhoids.

She also said that
when she asked you

what I looked like,

you said... just average.

What? No, I never
said you were average.

I said you look fine.

Fine?

Well, actually, I think
I said, "Mighty fine."

Oh, come on. You know I
think you're fantastic-looking,

but it's not the kind of thing

you tell the woman you used to be
married to. What am I gonna say?

"You ought to see my new
girlfriend. She's got these great..."

No, I don't have these great...

Yeah, but you've got a great...

You think so?

You think I'm spending
all this time with you

for your mind?

Oh, my heavens,
look what time it is.

That ballgame's almost over.

Ted'll be bringing those
kids back any minute.

Yeah, I know. Ted's always
bringing the kids back.

That's Ted's middle name.

Ted Bring-the-Kids-Back-Any-Minute
Shively.

Oh, now, come on,
J.D. Don't be bitter.

Look, you know, Mary Jo,

I don't mean to be
pushy or anything,

but we've been going out for
what, three, four years now?

Months.

Yeah, I was just thinking

that at some point, uh,

being a normal,
red-blooded American couple,

that maybe we should
give a little thought to...

J.D., I just need a little time.

Time. Right.

Julia, do you mind if I ask
you a personal question?

I don't guess so.
How personal is it?

Do you think I'm sexy?

Before you married Hayden,

had you ever done
it with anyone else?

And if not, then
after Hayden died,

did you find it a little
difficult the first time...

being with Reese? And...

Assuming you have been
with Reese, and if not...

Then whoever.

Or maybe no one at all.

Well put.

Trust me, I wouldn't ask

if it wasn't
absolutely necessary.

Maybe I can
forego a little privacy

for the sake of a good friend.

Now if you and J.D. have
been together all these months,

and if you really love J.D.,

and if nothing has happened yet,

then I think it's time

you took the top
off the cookie jar.

- Well put.
- Thank you.

[blender whirs]

You know, Mary Jo,

I don't know why you
always go to Julia for advice.

I mean, I'm the one who has
the most experience with men.

I remember all my first times.

Of course, I'm not gonna
share the intimate details,

but afterwards each
one of them cried.

Don't y'all just
love grateful men?

Who ordered salami?

I did.

Suzanne, if I were you,

I wouldn't be telling that
story. It sounds to me

like you had some very
dissatisfied customers.

Well, they married
me, didn't they?

You know, Suzanne, I've
always tried to picture you

- and each
of your ex-husbands in bed.
- Charlene!

I wonder about what
people are like in bed.

- Don't you wonder
about things like that?
- [Julia, Suzanne, Mary Jo] No.

Well, I do. Like
the other morning,

I was wondering about Prince
Philip and Queen Elizabeth.

Don't you wonder if he
ever just reaches over

and grabs her and
starts tickling her?

No. I don't think he
can get past that purse.

- I wonder what's in
that purse?
- Charlene!

Well, I'm sorry, but I
wonder about everything.

Like what the words to
"Mack the Knife" mean,

and how they make that cat dance on
that commercial. I had a cat one time...

[Mary Jo, Julia,
Suzanne] Charlene!

I'm sorry. I'll stop.

Pass the coleslaw.

You ever wonder who Cole was?

Hey, everybody.

Where's Charlene? I
need my messages.

She had a doctor's appointment.

Anthony, where have you been?

We've been waiting for you
to take those Chinese dogs

- out to Barbara Clifton's.
- I know. I'm sorry.

An unfortunate
circumstance has come up,

and I may have to relocate.

To another planet.

What happened?

First of all, let me ask
this impertinent question.

Do any of you have $5,000?

[women] No.

Then I'm definitely
gonna have to relocate.

You see, some friends of
mine and I went over to Memphis

to the dog races with
this guy named Mr. Beebe.

I can tell this is gon'
be a classy story.

Oh, now, Julia, I don't want to
hang out with hoods and thugs.

I had enough of that during
my unfortunate incarceration.

All I want now is to
go to junior college,

get me one of those sweaters
that buttons down the front,

and join the pep club.

But people just will
not leave me alone.

Anyway, this woman named Juanita

takes a liking to
me at the track.

But nobody bothers to tell me

that this is
Mr. Beebe's girlfriend.

And so now, because I
publicly humiliated him

and ruined his weekend,

I've got to get $5,000 together

to play poker with
him on Saturday,

or he's gonna have every
bone in my body broken.

Who's Mr. Beebe?

The slacks king of the South.

Men's pants, you know?
He's from Beebe, Arkansas.

The dude is loaded and dumb.

Man, it really makes me mad

when I meet a dumb rich person.

I don't understand. Why $5,000?

Because he said that's
how much the weekend cost.

Well, why do you
have to play poker?

So it can't be called extortion.

Somehow, I don't think I'll
be dealt many good hands.

Anthony, does this Mr. Beebe
know where you work?

Yes, he does.

And so do Clifford and Otis.

Who are Clifford and Otis?

His bodyguards.

Well, this is just ridiculous.
I'm gonna call the police.

We don't want people like
that hanging around here.

Oh, no, please, please
don't call the police.

- We can work this out
ourselves.
- What do you mean, "we"?

You see, all you got to do

is tell Mr. Beebe that I
was killed, you know?

Like in a delivery accident.

You see, he goes to Hawaii
every February, March and April,

and by May he will have
forgotten all about me.

Anthony, he is not gonna
believe such an absurd story.

No, Julia, I'm telling
you the dude is dumb.

Y'all are just never
gonna believe it.

The most incredible
thing just happened to me.

You got your income tax return.

No, silly. I don't have cancer.

Hey, that's great, Charlene.
Do you have $5,000?

No.

- What do you mean,
you don't have cancer?
- I mean I don't have it.

I went to see Dr. Mitchell
for a routine exam,

and he found a lump in my breast.
I didn't even know it was there.

I'll just be out back
loading up the van.

Oh, wait a minute, Anthony. There
were some phone messages for you.

Anyway, I was
worried sick about it,

because two of my mama's
sisters had the same thing.

Oh, here they are.

The first one was,
"You're dead meat,"

the second one was,
"You're dead meat, man,"

and the third one was, "Be
there or you're dead meat."

There seems to be some
sort of theme emerging.

Thanks, Charlene.

Big weekend, eh?

Now wait just a
minute, Charlene.

How does this doctor
know that you are fine?

Did you have a
mammogram? Or a biopsy?

No, he just examined
me and said not to worry,

and said let him worry about
it, and come back in six months.

Well, I don't like
the sound of that.

I think you should
have a second opinion.

Why should I get a second
opinion? I like this one.

I agree with Julia. Six
months is a long time.

Yes. Julia and I have
a very close friend,

and she waited too late.

Well, okay, I'm sorry
to disappoint y'all.

- You want me to have cancer,
I'll have cancer.
- Charlene, don't be absurd.

I couldn't just go to anybody
else. Dr. Mitchell's been my doctor

ever since I came to
Atlanta. He's a very nice man.

Charlene, this is not something
you can play around with.

Now I'm gonna go to the
phone and call my doctor

and make an appointment for you.

Julia, no, I couldn't go
behind Dr. Mitchell's back.

Okay, okay. I'll call him.

I'll ask him to
recommend someone.

I just left. He probably
hasn't gone to lunch yet.

Oh, hi, Becky. This
is Charlene Frazier.

Is Dr. Mitchell around?

Great.

Jerry Lee Lewis tickets.

Oh, hello, Dr. Mitchell,
this is Charlene.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but I've been thinking.

I know it's silly,

but since I was kind of
worried about that cancer thing,

I thought maybe I should...
get a second opinion,

if you could recommend
someone. Not that I don't trust you.

It'd just be to ease my mind.

You couldn't?

I see.

Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.

Okay. Bye.

Well, what'd he say?

He said that if I don't
have faith in him,

I should find myself
another physician.

I'm calling
Dr. Knight right now.

I feel terrible.
Now I insulted him.

[telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Sugarbakers'.

No, he isn't. He just
stepped out. Who's this?

Well, I don't take messages

from people who
don't leave their name.

And let me tell
you something else.

You would probably
be a lot better off

if you spent less time making
hoody telephone calls to people

and more time trying to
improve yourself like Anthony.

Now why don't you
just leave him alone?

He's trying to start
a new life for himself.

He doesn't have $5,000.

He's not showing up to
your poker game tonight.

He's joining the pep club.

And you can just tell Mr. Beebe

to stick that in his
pipe and smoke it.

Well, I don't think

you'll be having any more
problems with those people.

Thank you, Suzanne.

You're welcome.

Have you heard anything
from Charlene yet?

I wish she would have let one
of us go to the doctors with her.

I mean, I'm not getting
any work done anyway.

I know it. I feel the same way.

That's why I took those hurricane
lamps on out to Ima Jean Salinger's.

Oh, Julia, I would've done that.

What are you doing here?

I thought you had a
lunch with somebody.

I do, but I forgot who with.

That's why I came
by to check her book.

- Oh, very funny.
- What?

A homosexual, a bisexual,

a cross-dresser, and a eunuch.

What's all that about?

Charlene's weird sense of humor.

Well, I hope you're all happy.

I got my second opinion.

What did he say?

He said I've got cancer.

You know, Charlene,
most of these things turn out

not to be malignant.

Oh, come on, I know the score.

Those two aunts I told
you about? They both died.

And women in certain
families are prone to it.

Well, you know they're
catching it in time,

and it's gonna be okay.

I'm telling you, I have
a feeling about this.

It's not gonna be okay.

Are you afraid of
losing a breast?

No, I'm afraid
of losing my life.

I mean, I wouldn't be happy
about having a mastectomy,

but I could live
with that, you know.

After all, I had a fake chest

all through junior high school.

It's just that... I've
never had children.

I've never been to Europe.

I've...

never even seen Jerry
Lee Lewis in concert.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Mmm. Look.

Oh, champagne.
You shouldn't have.

So, how's Charlene?

Oh, well, I went home
with her after work,

and she said she'd
rather be alone.

So I just told her
I'd call her later.

Listen, honey.

We don't have
to do this tonight.

I did decide not to cook.

Oh, well, that's okay.

So, why don't we just
get the show on the road?

Well, gee,
sweetheart, that's great.

And you look great.

See, I was kind of hoping

that maybe we could
have a couple of drinks,

uh, some candlelight,
maybe a little foreplay?

You know?

I mean, it doesn't have to be

like you're reporting
for your Army physical.

Oh... You're right.

I'll loosen up.

Do you want to do this
downstairs or upstairs?

I don't remember.

Why don't you look
on my application?

Downstairs. It's quicker.

♪ Oh where, oh where
has my little dog gone? ♪

Hey, nice music selection.

Puts you right in the old mood.

Quint must have
left that in there.

[radio clicking]

There.

♪♪ [soft jazz]

[laughs] That's better.

J.D., I just can't
go through with this.

It's okay. We're not
in the mood, either.

Hey, hey, hey.
No, it's all right.

I mean, I'm not
that needy, okay?

I mean, you don't
want to make love, fine.

But I am 34 years old,

and I am not gonna
spend the rest of my life

holding hands with you
and taking cold showers.

That's not a threat,
that's just a fact.

Anyway, I love you,
and that's another fact.

I love you.

J.D., I've just...

I've just been too
embarrassed to tell you...

that I never made love
with anybody but Ted.

- You haven't?
- No, and I don't know anything
about anybody else.

Well, I-I think we all

pretty much follow
the same format.

I know.

Maybe I don't know
anything about anything.

I mean, Ted's idea of foreplay

was to grab me by
the ankles and yell,

"Make a wish."

You know, the
first time I saw you,

I wanted to go to bed with you.

I just keep thinking that
maybe you won't like me.

Maybe Ted didn't like me.

I mean, he said he did,

but then he always just
ate cereal and fell asleep.

And had affairs.

Is that what this is all about?

You think that was your fault?

You don't have any idea
how desirable you are, do you?

Don't you know that sometimes,

you make me breathe
hard just looking at you.

And you have this
softness about you,

and the way your chin
is always kind of cocked.

You got this great...
- I do?
- Come here.

Listen, I don't care
what we do tonight.

I just want to be close to you.

Let's go upstairs.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

[doorbell rings]

- Who is that?
- I don't know.

Uh, just a minute.

I'll be right there.

- Hi, Mom.
- Oh, Quint,
what are you doing home?

Can you believe this? He
brought the wrong pajamas.

He wants the ones
with Garfield on them.

Ted, I think your story
could use a little work.

Hey, how are you, J.D.?

Ted.

Hey, it looks like you're
missing a button there.

- Oh, hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.

- Hi, J.D.
- Hi, Claudia.

Look, as long as we're here,
can I borrow your curling iron?

Oh, yeah, sure,
go ahead and get it.

I'm on call this weekend. Do
you mind if I check the service?

Do I have a choice?

- [telephone rings]
- I'll get it.

Hello.

Well, yes he is.

Yeah, just a minute.

It's for you.

Thank you.

Hello?

You know, Mary Jo, if you're
gonna have guys over like this,

maybe you should just
consider going to a motel.

No. I won't consider
going to a motel.

This is my home, and
you are standing in it,

not by invitation.

- Well, gotta go. Excuse me.
- Oh, yep.

Toilet stopped up at Janet's
again. Bathroom's flooded.

Pestilence and famine
are just around the corner.

You're kidding.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

Hasn't she ever
heard of Liquid Plumr?

Hey, it's been a
fabulous evening.

And you are
gonna let her ruin it?

Me? You're the one
with the Brady Bunch.

Uh, I'll just try checking
the service again.

- They are leaving.
- Look, it's just
too much trouble, okay?

Yes, it certainly is,

particularly when you're
on the 24-hour drain squad.

I mean, for Heaven's sake,

they could have irrigated
half of China by now

and not have as much
trouble with the pipes.

Oh, yeah? Well, it
still holds up a lot better

than the old Garfield
pajama story.

In fact, you are so gullible...

Maybe if Ted stays here
long enough, he'll get lucky.

- That's it! Get out.
- With pleasure.

Gee, I hope I haven't
caused you any trouble.

My, but we did have a rough
night last night, didn't we?

Yes, we did.

What happened?

Well, I told off
J.D., I told off Ted,

I told off everybody
but the dog,

and I'm gonna get him tonight.

Uh-oh. This was that
special romantic dinner

you were planning, wasn't it?

Yes, well, as it turned
out, I didn't actually cook.

I didn't serve cookies, either.

I know what that means.

Charlene, I told you
to stay home today.

- Now what is all that stuff?
- Just some things of mine

that mean a lot to me
that I wanted y'all to have.

Charlene, you are not dying.

You are just having a biopsy.

I know, but after tomorrow,
I'm gonna know I'm dying,

and I might not
feel like doing this.

- Have you called
your parents yet?
- No. Absolutely not.

- Charlene.
- Mary Jo, there are
11 kids in my family.

- I don't worry my parents
unless I have to.
- Okay.

- You can call them
after the surgery, okay?
- Fine.

Where do you want this?

Over there, Calvin.

Who is that man?

Calvin Klein.

He's no relation
to the clothing guy.

He's just a
hitchhiker I picked up.

Charlene, have
you lost your mind?

I know.

I guess there was a part of me
that was hoping he had a gun.

Excuse me, would you
mind if I used your restroom?

- We don't have one.
- It's right through that door.

Oh, by the way, somebody wrote

"You're dead meat" on
the front of your building.

- Anthony!
- I know, I saw it.

They misspelled "meat."

Who are you?

Calvin Klein.

Bryant Gumbel. How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Anthony, wait, wait.

- I have a little something
I want to give you.
- Moi?

This is my Razorback Hog hat

from when I used
to live in Arkansas.

Hey, all right.
Thank you, Charlene.

I don't think I'll wear
it outside, though.

It might not be wise to bring
too much attention to myself.

Julia, this is my letter
from President Kennedy.

See? It says, "Dear Charlene,

"the President enjoyed your
drawing of the White House."

Actually, I don't
think he saw it.

Why not?

'Cause I sent a poem.

Anyway, he signed
it down there, see?

And, uh, he was
always a hero of mine.

That's why I want
you to have it.

Thank you, Charlene.

Uh, Mary Jo,

My personally
autographed picture of Elvis.

You know how I felt about him.

Thank you.

I'll treasure it.

Um, Suzanne,

my grandma's silver hand mirror,

'cause I know you
like to look at yourself,

and I want you to be happy.

I'll use it every day.

What's in the other box?

Oh, letters and some
mementos to all my old boyfriends.

You know, I just
wanted to say good-bye.

Hey, Charlene,
thanks for the ride.

Hope you don't mind, but
I took a roll of paper towels

- and a couple rolls
of toilet paper.
- Oh, no.

Help yourself. It's
what it's there for.

Ma'am. Bye.

Bye, Calvin. Good luck.

Charlene, don't you ever pick
up a stranger like that again.

Did you see his back
pocket? He took our Lysol.

That can'll be dead by morning.

Well, I'm glad you
all like your gifts.

Yeah, we just love 'em.

There's just one
thing I'd like to know.

What are we supposed to
do with these if you're all right?

Do we have to give them back?

I want y'all to run upstairs
and get your things together

so I can take you back
over to your daddy's,

'cause I have to go to the
hospital to see Charlene before...

- Daddy!
- Hi, son.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, honey.

Uh, I tried calling you at
work, but you'd already left.

I invited Janet and
Ted to come over here

so we can get everything
all worked out, okay?

Uh, Claudia, could you
take Quinton upstairs

and watch TV for a little while?

Mom, can J.D. and
Daddy spend the night?

No, they cannot.

Why don't you run on upstairs?

[Quint] Shoot.

[Claudia] You are so dense.

Well, what a surprise.

Did everybody get
something to drink?

Yeah, everybody got something.

Honey, why don't you
sit down right here?

- How'd you get in?
- I have a key, remember?

Oh, yeah.

[Ted] You have a key?

I do, and I don't think
that's any of your business.

Listen, buddy, everything that
goes on here is my business.

- It is not.
- It certainly is.

- He makes the house payment,
doesn't he?
- He most certainly does not.

I don't get alimony. I
just get child support.

You mean you put him all
the way through medical school

and you don't get alimony?
Dumber than I thought.

Well, at least I helped
support my husband.

Are you calling me a sponge?

I'm just saying,

if you didn't help build
the ship before it set sail,

don't be standing on the dock

with your hand out
when it comes in.

She's calling me a sponge!

Janet, Mary Jo, sit down.

All right, now.

Now the reason I wanted us
all to get together here today

was to talk about how
we, as four mature adults,

can peacefully coexist.

But, of course, we're
already starting in the hole,

because we don't
have four mature adults.

I'm not even sure we
have two, but nevertheless.

I think that I speak
for Mary Jo and myself

when I say that we intend
to build a life together.

And that you,
Janet, and you, Ted,

can be our friend or
you can not be our friend,

but you're not gonna stop us.

Now I will continue to be
a good father to my kids,

and Mary Jo will continue to
be a good mother to her kids.

But we are not married
to you people anymore,

and we are not
gonna be at the mercy

of you and your plumbing,

or you and your pajama
problems anymore.

Excuse me, if I could
just jump in here...

No, no, I'm not finished.

Now Mary Jo and I do not care

what the two of you are
doing in your personal lives,

except that we wish you well,

and we expect the
same courtesy from you.

So just for your
future information,

we will no longer be
accepting any phone calls

or answering the door
on Saturday nights.

The only exceptions
will be the following...

Death, loss of blood,
excessive vomiting.

Here, see, Ted?
Garfield isn't on there.

Yeah, Suzanne, it's Anthony.

I'm at the hospital.

Well, they've got her pretty
well sedated right now.

Listen, I was gon'
make one more delivery,

and then I was gon'
split for the weekend.

That's fine by me.
I'm just sick and tired

of sitting around
here waiting on Julia.

We're gonna be
coming up to the hospital,

but she had to go meet somebody.

She's acting real
mysterious about it, too.

By the way, those cousins
of yours get hold of you?

What cousins? The ones who
are just in town for the night.

Those are the dudes
that are looking for me.

The poker game is tonight. That's
why I'm trying to get out of here.

I didn't know. I told
'em where you were.

What? Are you joking me?

No, I'm not joking. That
was half an hour ago.

They'll probably
be there any minute.

Did you tell them
why I was here?

No, I didn't tell them why.

I just gave them
the room number.

I am just sick and tired
of being mission control

for everybody while
they're all running around.

Anthony? Anthony?

[knock on door]

Dr. Mitchell, I'm Julia
Sugarbaker. May I come in?

Yes, but I hope
this won't take long.

I'm on the staff
of three hospitals,

and I still have rounds.

Oh, I understand how very,
very busy you are, and I'll be brief.

I've come because I'm a close
friend of Charlene Frasier's.

Charlene Frasier is
no longer my patient,

so I can't...

Actually, I'm here not
only on Charlene's behalf.

I'm here on behalf
of all your patients.

I don't understand.

I have just one question.

How many more
women are you gonna kill

before you retire?

I beg your pardon!

You see, I've done a little
checking on you, Dr. Mitchell.

And I've discovered that
Charlene is not the first woman

you've told to wait and see.

You said the same thing to
another close friend of mine,

only at that time I didn't know

that you were her physician.

Well, she trusted you.

She waited four months

before her breasts had
become so misshapen

she had to come back.

But by then, it was too late.

Mrs. Sugarbaker,

I don't think I would
care to discuss with you

medical judgments
you know nothing about.

Medical jargon
doesn't impress me.

I was brought up
in a medical family

and my grandfather always
said 80% was common sense.

There's nothing mysterious
about having a lump in your breast.

It's simple. When you find
one, you have it x-rayed

or biopsied. I know that.

Most physicians know that.

What I don't understand
is why don't you know that?

Perhaps I'm of the old school.

That's not old school,
that's gross incompetence!

Well, it's obvious to me

that you are an emotional,
overwrought woman.

Not emotional, Doctor.

I'm just plain mad.

Which is why I'm filing
charges against you

with the State Medical
Bureau and the AMA.

Well, if you want to
make a fool of yourself,

be my guest.

But I can assure you
you are in no way qualified

to make these judgments.

I think this meeting is over.

I think so, too.

But as for qualified,
neither are you.

You don't depend on medicine.

Your weapon is intimidation.

You're a seemingly kind,
benevolent authority figure

who tells women to let you
do their worrying for them.

Well, there's just one thing
wrong with that, Dr. Mitchell.

You don't have to do the dying.

Well, well, well.
Ain't this a sight?

Looks like our old friend
Anthony is not feeling well, Clifford.

Yeah. That's a shame.

If I didn't know better,

I'd say that $5,000 poker game

has given him a fever!

What's going on?

What are you guys doing here?

We came to escort
you to the game.

Or did you forget?

Oh, yeah. No, I
didn't forget, man.

I got kidney stones.

You don't got nothing.
Get out of that bed!

Hey, listen, Otis...

Oh, no. I'm Otis. He's Clifford.

Whatever.

Look, I don't care if you
guys believe me or not,

I've had kidney
stones all my life

and this is probably the most
horrible attack I've ever had.

Believe me, I'd much
rather be playing poker

with you guys than
being here like th... this.

Ohh.

Hey, this don't look right.

Now, look over here.

He's in here with
some white girl.

Does that beat anything
you've ever seen?

I complained to the
hospital administrator,

but he says they're going coed.

The New South, you know.

This don't look right.

They'll probably have
her out of her by morning.

It still don't look right.

Yeah, you said that.

Now why don't you
use the right verb tense?

Let me tell you
something, smart boy.

We're getting tired
of fooling with you.

I don't know why you're here,

but I don't like it.

Oww! Ohh! Ohh-ho-ho! The pain!

I can't stand it! I want
to be knocked out!

But not by you.

Now look, you put
your hands on me again,

I'm calling hospital security.

Okay. Go on.

But Mr. Beebe's gonna
be very disappointed.

Don't think you're off the hook.

When we get back from Hawaii,

we'll be looking you up.

Count on it.

When you get back from Hawaii,

I'll be a white man named Herb.

Just what do you
think you're doing?

I'm getting dressed.

When I got off the telephone,

I was feeling kind of dizzy

so I thought I'd better rest.

I'm feeling much
better now, thank you.

Aren't these gowns horrendous?

They ought to put
some Velcro back here.

You know, I was awful
proud of you tonight.

I mean, I think that I
could have eventually

made my point myself,

but it's... it's more
impressive being a team.

- Thank you.
- For what?

For being my hero.

Oh, come on.

No, no. I mean it.

I mean, for so long
I've been fighting

all my battles alone.

It's kind of nice having
a knight in shining armor.

You want to polish off a
warm bottle of champagne?

Only if we can take it upstairs.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Let's get this show on the road.

Oh, I forgot!

No. What now?

I promised Julia that I'd
do those receipts tonight.

So, what are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna think
about that today.

I'm gonna think
about that tomorrow.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You're okay. It was benign.

I already called your
folks in Poplar Bluff.

Thank you, God.

We brought your stuff back.

Yeah, and I'm mad
about losing my hog hat.

Anthony, I had
the craziest dream

you were in the bed next to me

and these two guys came in

and called me a white girl
and said I didn't look right.

By the way, that
reminds me, Anthony.

Weren't you supposed to
leave town this weekend?

Yeah, I was.

But when I got home,
I started thinking.

If I run from Mr. Beebe now,

I'll be running from
hoods the rest of my life.

So I went to him. I
told him, "Look, Jack,

"I don't owe you $5,000
and I don't have $5,000.

If you don't like that, you can take it
out of my hide right here and now."

Well, that's very
impressive, Anthony.

And what did he say?

He said, "Boy,
I like your style.

I'll cut the cards with
you, double or nothing."

I told you he was dumb.

Well, who won?

I did.

I now own 400 pairs of pants

and I am a member of the
Slack of the Month Club.

Well, Charlene, looks
like you're going to

be able to go home
in a couple of days.

I'm gonna name a baby after you.

Thank you again,
Alan, for everything.

Well, that's... I didn't
do anything, Julia.

I'm just glad that it
turned out to be benign.

Although, if you ever
have another lump,

I don't want you to assume

that it would be benign, too.

Every one has to be checked.

Okay, I'll remember.

And you keep getting
those second opinions, too.

That's a very good policy.

Well, I better be going.

Uh, y'all don't get
too raucous in here.

Happy Hour
doesn't start until 5.

- [laughs]
- Bye.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You got a telegram.

You're kidding.

"Charlene," I was
there. Where were you?

Jerry Lee Lou..."

You know, he's gonna be in
Macon in about three weeks

and J.D. and I are
gonna take you.

Oh, y'all are so sweet to me.

Well, we just been thinking that

with all our little problems,

this sure kind of puts
things into perspective.

It does, doesn't it?

You know, it's
just occurred to me

that what we have here

it's just... it's a family.

Yeah. It's kind
of nice, isn't it?

That's all I need.
More relatives.

[laughter]