Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 14 - Monette - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

There I was sitting on the dais

three seats from Andrew Young.

So I have to act interested,

even though I am positively
just bored out of my skull.

It's no big deal for me to
be three seats from the man.

I've had dinner at
the White House,

- thank you very much.
- [gasps]

- I don't believe it.
- What?

This a letter from my mama.

My Aunt Liz has been
researching our family tree,



and there's a chance we
might be related to Loretta Lynn.

You know what that means?

You're going to have to
start cooking with Crisco?

No, silly.

But if I ever go to Nashville,

I can probably go see the
Grand Ole Opry for free.

Oh, I think Loretta
Lynn's so adorable.

And she's so true to Doo,

even though
he's a little bit fat.

You'd be fat, too,

if you ate nothing
but pie crust.

Excuse me, but I believe I was

in the middle of
a scintillating story

when I was rudely
interrupted for a hillbilly bulletin.



Trust me, Suzanne,

that story was
not scintillating.

Well, I'd expect something
like that from Julia,

but you're sure in
a nasty mood today.

I know.

I don't know why,
I guess it's Quint...

All of a sudden, he's decided

that my opinion is just
completely worthless.

What makes you think that?

Because every
time I say something,

he rolls his eyes up,

and hits himself in
the head like this.

Which either means,
"I could've had a V-8,"

or "I could've had
a mother who's not

the stupidest
woman left on Earth."

Oh, come on, Mary Jo.

All kids go through
that know-it-all stage.

No, no. This is more
than a know-it-all stage.

He's just completely obnoxious.

Last week, the teacher told me

that he'd been passing
out Fruit Roll-ups

at recess to
certain little girls,

and then demanding
that they go steady

with him and his friend.

Go steady?

How old is Quint?

Six.

My son is a six-year-old
grade school pimp.

You know, you should
take my advice on children.

Once they're housebroken,

they go straight off
to military school.

Then, if they make good grades,

they can come
home when they're 21,

providing they don't
play their stereo too loud.

That's very good, Suzanne.

I can tell you've got a
lot of insight into this.

After all, she's raised
three parakeets,

and not one of them has
ever gotten into trouble.

I can tell you from experience,

having raised a son myself,

and it pays in the
long-run to be a little tough,

even when they're
just six years old.

I completely agree with you.

That's why last night, I
sat Quinton down and said,

"Look. I don't care what
your friends at school call you.

I'm your mother,

and I don't have to refer
to you as The Slickster.

[phone rings]

Mary Jo, would you
get that for me, please?

Sugarbakers'.

Yes, she is, can I
say who's calling?

Mmm-hmm.

Charlene, it's for you.

- Monica Marlin.
- Monica Marlin?

I don't know any Monica Marlin.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Well, of course I remember you.

Uh, well,

gosh, yeah, it sure
has been a long time.

Just exactly how
long has it been?

That long.

Wow, what do you
know about that?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Is this who I think it is?
Monette? Monette Marlin?

Oh, this is incredible!
I can't believe it.

Your mama wrote from Pensacola

and said you'd
moved to St. Louis.

When did you move here?

Well, how'd you know
where to find me?

You're kidding.

Oh, yes, I know that
house. It's a great old house.

You want us to redo it?
Oh, Monette, this is great.

I'm the office manager, but
I have to be in on this one.

When are you free?

Sure, this afternoon's
fine. How about 2:00?

Oh, that's great.

All right, Monette, I'll
see you then. Bye-bye.

You will never,
in a million years,

guess who that was.

Monette Marlin.

You went to high
school together.

She moved to St. Louis.

Now her parents
have moved to Florida.

She just moved to Atlanta,
changed her name to Monica,

bought an old house, and
wants us to redecorate it.

That's uncanny.
How'd you do that?

She's psychic.

Oh, you guys.

Now. we're both
from Poplar Bluff.

I always looked up to her.

She was older than me and
everything I wanted to be.

You know, she was
kind of sexy and aloof.

She was the only cheerleader
who wasn't bouncing around

all the time, you
know what I mean?

She was cool, you know?

She had this kind of quiet pep.

An incredible combination.

Well, Monette felt a
sort of bond with me

'cause all the other
cheerleaders had rich daddies.

Our families didn't
have very much money.

Also, I think she
felt sorry for me

because I had a
crooked cartwheel.

Well, I've always said
you can survive being poor,

but if your cartwheel is off...

No, I mean it! I never
would have made the squad

if it hadn't been for her.

Wonderful story.

Now I don't mean to
sound unsentimental,

but does Monette have money now?

Well, she must have. She's
bought the Chadwick House.

Not bad.

That is a huge old house.

Well, it's not that big.

I mean, it's not as big as, say,

well, my house.

That's true, Suzanne.

It's also not as big as
the Empire State Building

or the Grand Canyon,

but we're not redoing
either one of those.

This is so exciting.

This could be our
biggest job yet.

Plus I get to see Monette.

Now, you guys, why
don't y'all grab some lunch.

I'm gonna go home and change
my clothes. I'll meet you there.

Change your clothes? What for?

Well, I just want to
look a little more...

successful, you know.

Um, what do you
think I should wear?

Well, for starters,

both those black sweaters
of yours are too tight for ya.

And all your
skirts are too short.

And as long as
we're on the subject,

I certainly wouldn't come in
that purple caftan with the hood.

Just makes you
look like a shepherd.

Thank you, Suzanne.

I was just asking
for a suggestion,

not a complete glamour makeover.

Bye.

- Wait!
- Too late.

I know.

Now she's probably
going to show up

wearing those "Hands
Across America" earrings.

So, that's basically the house.

I think you'll find me
very easy to work with.

Just remember I hate red.

Other than that, you
can do anything you want.

Well, there certainly
are a lot of rooms here.

Have you thought about a budget?

Not exactly.

I'd just like to keep it
somewhere between

$100 and $150,000.

Oh, well I... I think
we can handle that.

I wonder what on earth
is keeping Charlene.

She was so excited
to see you again.

- She is right here!
- Charlene!

- Monette!
- Monica!

- Oh, whatever.
- You look wonderful.

Oh, thank you. So do you.

I can't believe it but I had
a flat tire on the way here.

I've never had a flat
tire in my whole life.

I had to run the
last ten blocks.

You sweet thing! Ohh.
Don't you all just love her?

We do.

She's always had the
best heart of anyone I know.

- Ohh.
- She just had one fault,

and that's picking
the wrong men.

Tell me, has she
gotten any better?

[All] No.

Oh, thanks a lot!

You know, she was
the only girl at our prom

whose date didn't wear a shirt?

Why does this not surprise me?

- Ernie Richardson!
- Oh, what a juvenile delinquent
he was.

Whatever happened to him?

He is the president
of a bank in Memphis.

Really? How do you know?

'Cause I dated a
guy who robbed it.

Is she wonderful or what?

She is.

Come on, I want to show
you the rest of the house.

They've already seen it.
Make yourselves at home!

Thank you.

Well, what do you think?

Well, she doesn't seem all
that sexy and aloof to me.

I was talking about the house.

[sighs] Seems sort of drafty.

It's old.

It's huge.

- It's a $100 to...
- A $150,000!

Excuse me for one
moment, please.

Thank you I just had to
get that out of my system.

It's incredible, isn't it?

And the best part is,

we didn't even have
to try for this job.

It just sort of
fell into our laps.

Oh, excuse me, ladies.

Is Monica here?

No, she's upstairs with someone.

She'll be down in just a minute.

All right. Thank you.

I sure would love to see
this room in something like

apricot... teal accents.

Oh, that'd be
gorgeous. Gorgeous.

Big bronze sculptures and...

She's got an awful lot of
pretty things that we could use.

Think we should
bleach the floor?

- What's with this guy, anyway?
- I don't know.

Let's just keep talking and
maybe he'll kind of go away.

Excuse me for interrupting
your conversation again,

but I was just wondering
if I was to ask for you,

specifically... would I get you?

I have no idea what
you're talking about

but somehow I
feel absolutely safe

is saying the answer is "no".

Well, I'm sorry. I thought
you worked for Monica.

Well, we do but we
kind of just started.

Oh?

What do you mean
"work for Monica"?

I mean... You know.

You mean... That's right.

Are you saying that this is a...

And Monica is a...

That's the way it worked
when I was here last week.

No wonder she has
so many bedrooms.

I was trying to convince
myself it was an orphanage.

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute. I get it.

It's a joke, isn't it? It's like Candid
Camera or something... [gasps]

I heard they were bringing
that thing back into syndication.

I bet that's what it is! They
could be right here in Atlanta!

That's what it is, isn't it?

We're on Candid Camera!

I don't know, honey,

but if that's true, I'm in a lot
more trouble than you are.

That was so much fun. We talked about
things I hadn't thought about in years.

Like that pink jackass story.

Monette and I stole it
because our school mascot

was the mule... we were
the Poplar Bluff Mules.

- Did I ever tell
y'all that story?
- Yeah, you told us.

I mean, nobody ever believes that
I knew a pink jackass, but it's true.

It's just one of those
quirks of nature.

Charlene, sit down.

We want to talk to
you about Monette.

Oh, no. I... I don't
like the sound of that.

Every time you say, "Charlene,
sit down," it's bad news.

Just tell me standing
up. What is it?

What? What? Monette's a man.

No. But we have reason to believe she's
practicing the world's oldest profession.

Monette's a carpenter?

Charlene, Monette's a madam.

You mean like...
like, in prostitute?

It looks that way.

I can't believe y'all
would think such a thing.

Charlene, while you
were upstairs with her,

two different men
tried to purchase Julia.

And that just shows the type
of clientele she has right there.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means her operation
is probably over the hill.

I mean, clients usually
want much younger stuff.

"Stuff"?

You know what I mean.

I'm not trying to
be unkind, Julia.

But I don't think there's too many
women cutting it in your age bracket.

Well, that may be, Suzanne.

But I didn't notice anybody
knocking down the door

to get a crack at you.

That's... I probably
intimidated them.

As my ex-husband, Dash
Goth, the writer, used to say,

"There are so
mountains so majestic...

"Even brave men
dare not approach"!

Well then, I guess nobody
felt like climbing you.

Okay!

Can we stop?

That is not the point.

The point is, Charlene,

I know this is so
difficult for you to accept.

I just want you to know
that we're here for ya.

And we care.

But, in the meantime,

no way am I decorating
a 19-room whorehouse

for some two-bit floozy who
just blew in from St. Louis.

- Julia!
- No, I mean it.

Not even for $100,000.

I will decorate a greenhouse,
a henhouse, a doghouse.

I will even decorate
an outhouse.

But I will not decorate
a whorehouse!

Well, there must
be some mistake.

I mean, she told me herself

she had a bunch of
roommates coming in.

Oh, come on.

Now how many women
her age do you know

living with a bunch
of roommates?

Charlene, what'd she tell
you she does for a living?

She said she's in marketing
and public relations.

Well, that's close.

This doesn't make any sense.

I mean, Monette and I
sat next to each other

in Vacation Bible School.

Look, we all have
heroes to disappoint us.

It's just a fact of life.

I mean, I used to be totally
wild over Anita Bryant.

I wanted to walk
like her, talk like her,

I even wanted to have her hair.

You do have her hair.

Thank you.

But then she got off on
that homosexual thing

and it just kind of
turned me off, you know?

I mean, she became
obsessed with it

and stopped showing
up at pageants.

And for what?

I mean, it wasn't like
she was some homely girl

who had to worry about
all the homosexuals

stealing all the good-looking
men or anything like that.

And you know, the
last time I saw her,

even her hair looked
sort of deflated.

What's your point?

I forgot. What was the question?

- Suzanne.
- The question is,

can we afford to turn
down $100 to $150,000 job?

Now, when you
get right down to it,

we can't control what goes on in
any of the bedrooms we've done.

I mean, for all we know,

there could be an
orgy going on right now

out there in one
of our bedrooms.

Hordes of naked people

swinging from one of
our antique light fixtures.

Writhing masses of unclad bodies

wallowing on our
custom-made chintz pillows.

You've been watching the
cable TV again, haven't you?

I have not.

Look...

there is no point going
all into this argument

until we find out
for positive sure

that Monette does
what you think she does.

And how do you
propose we find out?

We're gonna ask her.

I was going to
tell you, Charlene.

I was just waiting until we
got a little better reacquainted.

Reacquainted? As
far as I'm concerned,

Monette, you are a
completely different person

than the person I grew up with.

I'm the same person, Charlene.

I just happen to do
something for a living

that you don't approve of.

Frankly, I don't
need your approval.

I never did.

I know that!

But don't tell me
you haven't changed.

I mean, we didn't even do it
with anybody in high school.

We made a pact to save
ourselves until marriage.

And you remember
that time at the drive-in?

You wanted me to
think you were making it

with Dennis Dobner
in the backseat.

You guys were rocking
the car back and forth

and I wouldn't turn around because
I knew you were trying to get me...

You mean, you were doing it with
Dennis in the backseat at the drive-in?

I don't believe it!

He wasn't the first.

- Who was?
- Herthel Welker.

- Herthel Welker?
- That's right.

And there was
Billy Joe Clarkson,

Donnie Jones, Danny
Hog, the Green brothers.

- Bruce and Don?
- No, Goose and Bill.

Bruce and Don were in the army.

Anyway, George
McCall, Snookie Dunn.

Snookie Dunn? I thought
he was going with Randa?

He did. But she was
doing it with Bob Belford.

Randa was too?

Charlene, we're talking about
a small town with one movie.

Come on! The Ghost
and Mr. Chicken

was held over for six weeks!

Everybody was doing it but you.

But Randa was in on our pact.

I know.

You're the only one
who kept the pact

and saved herself for marriage.

Now you're the only
one who never married.

Life's funny, isn't it?

Yeah, life's a riot, Monette.

Why are you telling
me all this stuff?

Because you asked.

Look, Charlene,

I know you want some
sort of explanation

about why I do
this for a living.

Like I was sexually
abused as a child

or my husband left me.

But that isn't the case.

It's true I had too
many kids in my family.

So did you.

But you've got a lot of love.

And we got a lot of the
back of my daddy's hand.

I probably started out
looking for a little affection.

But when I figured out I
could make a great living

working my own hours
and have a place like this,

well, it was too
hard to turn down

so I didn't.

And I'm very proud
of how well I've done.

As a matter of fact,

I was just elected
executive secretary

of my union,

at our international
convention in Copenhagen.

Well, congratulations.
Isn't that something?

Wait a minute. You mean
prostitutes are unionized?

We certainly are.
And for the record,

I prefer to be called
a "love consultant".

Look, this isn't
any of my business.

As far as I'm concerned,
you could call yourself

the "princess of whoopee"
but you're still a hooker.

- Julia!
- Well, I can't help it. It's the truth.

And while I agree
with your right

to control your own body,

I can't help but be
angry at women like you

because you
diminish the rest of us.

I'm sorry. I don't
know what you mean.

I mean, it's the same
kind of anger that I feel

when I walk past a newsstand

and see a tabloid with a
nude woman on the cover

wearing a dog collar standing
next to a man with a whip.

And I think to myself, "That
woman is a member of my sex."

And suddenly my face feels hot
and I feel embarrassed to be a woman.

And I feel angry because I know

that if that were a
black man in a dog collar

with a white man whipping him,

that picture would not be
allowed on a public sidewalk.

I'm afraid I don't
get the connection.

The connection is that by
choosing to be a prostitute,

you perpetuate that
image of woman as victim,

exploited, dependent,

abused... a slave, If you will.

And you embarrass me in 1987,

just the way a slave would
embarrass a black person.

A slave?

You must be joking.

I make very good
money for what I do.

Yes, you do.

But it's the rest of us
who have to pay for it.

Well, if you ask me,

what you're doing is
economically stupid.

I didn't ask.

Anyway, I find that
a little incredible

since you don't know
how much I make.

You don't make
half as much as me,

and I can guarantee it.

Three ex-husbands.

The way I see it,

marriage is much
more profitable.

To me it's like
buying a new car.

See, first of all, you people
don't even have a contract.

Then you only charge a guy
according to how much he drives it.

Now, if you marry him, he
has to pay for the entire vehicle

whether he ever
drives it again or not.

And alimony insures that
he will make those payments

even if he wants to
get a newer model.

Believe me, I have
lifetime security

and you're just flying
through the air without a net.

This is your sister, right?

Yes. She diminishes us, too.

But her I can deal with.

What is it that you
ladies do for men

that's kept 'em coming
back for centuries?

Well, you're not
going to believe this.

But a lot of my time is spent
just talking and listening.

Isn't that incredible?

And I know all these
men who just fall asleep

on the couch every
night while their wives

climb the walls from boredom.

And then they go out
and pay somebody

to hear 'em talk. Huh.

Fascinating, isn't it?

Well, I'd love to continue
this little tête-à-tête

but I do have an appointment.

Perhaps sometime
we could all get together

on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Well, while we're
being perfectly candid,

may I give my final
impression of you?

Gee, I'd hate to have to be
the one who tried to stop you.

I just want to say
that I don't think you're

half as pleased with
your life as you pretend.

As a matter of fact, I
think you're getting ready

to get out of the
hooker business.

- Is that so?
- Yep.

You're a bright, capable person.

I've been pretty insulting

and you haven't put
forth much of an argument

defending yourself.

Also, you got in
touch with Charlene

after you haven't
seen her for 12 years.

I think you're
testing the water.

You know, you're
kind of obnoxious.

But we could
probably be friends.

Maybe in some sort
of lifeboat situation.

Well, just because we're
not decorating your house,

doesn't mean we couldn't
have lunch sometime.

And that goes ditto for me.

I have to check my book.

Come on, you guys.
Now, she's my friend.

Now Monette, I'm
gonna tell you straight out.

I don't want you to
do this for a living.

Do your parents know
you do this for a living?

Charlene, my parents
don't even know I smoke.

You smoke, too?

Monette, that is so bad for you!

You don't want me to
give up everything at once.

I have to keep
at least one vice.

Oh. Now we both come
from the same place.

And I know Monette
and I love her.

But I don't know
this Monica person.

This is gonna
sound kind of corny

but we could put all the
expensive designer wallpaper

in the world in this house

and it still wouldn't
make your life as beautiful

as having a man who loves you

and who will take care of you

when you're old and when
you're sick, you know?

Friends who respect you.

Well, that's the bottom line.

And I just want
you to promise me

you'll think about that.

I've been thinking.

You have?

Yes.

You know, for somebody
who's over 30 and single,

you're awfully
naive and romantic.

Hey, I never give up.

My prince is out
there somewhere.

He's just probably
being held hostage

in some foreign prison.

- Take care of yourself.
- I will. You call me.

Oh, excuse me.

Sorry, Monica. Am I on time?

No, you are late! Can't
you see she's smoking?

We'll work on that one later.

Well...

You don't look too busy.

Finally. A man with some taste.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA