Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 15 - And Justice for Paul - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Oh, don't be silly,
Paul. I love opera.

Yeah, I've always had
this fantasy that Elvis

would sing that part of the
Navy captain in Madam Butterfly.

Yeah, okay. Me, too. Bye-bye.

Let me guess.

The new Mr. Wonderful.

No. He's nice. We're
just good friends.

He was calling me from
an estate sale in Chicago.

Charlene, these
figures are disastrous.

Now, I don't understand.



When you worked for Hayden,
you always showed a profit.

Well, Julia, Hayden had
more money coming in

than going out.

Generally, that means a profit.

Well, what am I going to do?

I put every dime
that I was bequeathed

by generations of Sugarbakers
into this quicksand of a business.

Old money, antebellum money.

Well, Julia, I've got an
investment in this business, too.

New money, anti-Charlene money.

Person coming through.

Did Mrs. Wagner finally
order some fabrics?

Well, sort of.

Is it my imagination
or do I detect



a lack of enthusiasm here?

Now, Julia, Mary Jo's
obviously had a hard morning.

She's hauling those
big, heavy books around

and dealing with that
horrible Mrs. Wagner.

Let me remind you that
we are depending on

Mrs. Wagner's first check
to cover this week's payroll.

But do forgive me, Mary Jo.

And thank you from
saving us from Chapter 11.

She went with Regency Interiors.

She went with Regency Interiors?

What do you mean, "she
went with Regency Interiors"?

I don't know. I guess things
started to go sour when,

in my most diplomatic manner, I suggested
that the chairs that she wanted to order

were perhaps better suited
to someone with perhaps,

say, oh, 50 pounds less bulk.

You actually used
the word "bulk"?

I guess there's no way to make "bulk"
come out sounding good, is there?

I never heard it in a
popular song or anything.

Why did you have
to say anything at all?

I had no choice.

I mean, even a
50-pound weight drop

would have only brought
her down to a size 26!

And these... these
chairs she wanted

were these skinny little things
made out of peacock feathers.

All I could pictures
was the obituary...

"Fat feathered fanny
falls through floor."

Some go by drowning,
others by plague.

If that's the way Mrs. Wagner
chooses to exit this world,

who are we to deny her?

Look, every night
at dinner time,

my kids and I tell three things
that happened during the day.

Now, being a single parent,

I try to think of something

that will impart a
valuable moral lesson.

I'm afraid that telling
them that I made a sale

and risked somebody's
life might bottom out,

morality-wise.

Mary Jo, this is not
Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.

Couldn't you just
tell a few white lies?

Believe me, it's a dying art.

I wouldn't even
know how to tell one.

Oh, you all do it all
the time unintentionally.

You know, it's like when
you're out on a first date

with a guy and he orders
a hamburger for dinner

and then he asks
you what you want

and you say, "Oh,
just make that two."

Even though you're
dying for the filet mignon.

But you're afraid your
date can't afford it.

But you know deep down inside

you know he's probably
really just a cheapskate.

And the whole time
you wish you were home

watching Knots Landing, eating a
whole package of Double-Stuffed Oreos.

That's kind of
a little white lie.

Good morning, ladies.

Coffee brewing yet?

My, you're dressed
to kill this morning.

Yeah.

It's an original
Roget de Beretz.

Pretty foxy, huh?

Honestly, Suzanne,

I can't think of one person
who would even dare

to try wearing
something like that.

Well, thank you, Julia.

You're welcome, Suzanne.

Now, you see how easy that was?

Suzanne feels good.

And what would I
gain by telling her

that dress looks
like it was chosen

by some colorblind pimp.

Well, it was another
incredible, tempestuous night.

Will the male
species never cease

to be fascinated by me?

Maybe you should
incorporate, Suzanne.

Sell off shares.

Are penny stocks
still on the market?

Will you apologize
for that comment

if I tell you I got us
another account?

Yes. Who's the new client?

His name is Bo Mastwick.

I met him on the golf course.

We birdied together.

Well, it's a good thing
you got something going,

because we lost Mrs. Wagner.

What? Who lost
the account anyway?

Suzanne, did I tell you how
interesting you look in that dress?

Really? Maybe I should get
this in some more colors, huh?

Should I draw up contracts
for this Mastwick project?

No, not yet.

We still have to go over
the plans with his wife.

He has a wife?

Believe me, I didn't know
until the third margarita.

What is it about me that
attracts every man with a pulse?

You give green stamps?

Now, there's just one thing I
better warn you about, Mary Jo.

I'm afraid Bo is the
worst thing a man can be.

He's... Well, I think he's...

What? A mass murderer? What?

Worse. He's cheap.

That's it. I'll
just tell the kids

that I'm a failure as soon as
we finish our peach cobbler.

I knew the Mastwicks
would be impossible.

She wants Chippendale,
Rococo, Louis XIV.

He wants early motel.

And $12,500 is the most
Mr. Mastwick will spend.

That is absolute,
outer-most limit.

Well, the 30% commission
will pull us through.

Are you kidding?

Twelve-five for three
rooms of period pieces?

We'd have to assemble
it ourselves from a kit.

You know, maybe I can
ask my friend Paul to help us.

He travels all over the country

going to those big estate sales.

I'll bet he can get
us plenty of stuff

way below decorator's discount.

That would be
wonderful, Charlene.

Do you really think he could?

You know, your judgment
in men is not exactly,

shall we say, state-of-the-art.

Okay.

I'll admit I've had
a run of bad luck

in the men
department in the last...

five or six years.

But you know, I've been
watching Phil Donahue

and I realize now that my
pattern is self-destructive.

I mean, a tiger can
change its spots.

Julia, if you'd rather
sell some of your stocks,

or maybe your diamond ring?

On the other hand,
I see no reason

not to try every
possible alternative.

You know, I still don't
understand why your friend Paul

had to make this appointment
with us at 10:00 at night.

Julia, I keep telling you,

Paul's a very
important businessman.

He's flying in from Chicago
from that big estate sale

as a personal favor to me.

Okay, ladies,

I finally got a couple of my
people and that extra van

to load that stuff
at the warehouse.

You're sure they've had
experience moving things?

Moving large objects quickly
was their previous occupation.

And they're good drivers?

Oh, very experienced
and real fast.

Once that van is
loaded, they take off.

Good. We wouldn't want
them to take up any more time

than they'd have to since I presume
they'll be charging time and a half.

Oh, no. They're used
to working nights.

Could these assistants of yours
be friends from your prison days?

Why, yes. Yes. I did
make their acquaintance

during my unfortunate
incarceration.

But I assure you, ladies,

that these gentlemen are
of the same high caliber

as the unjustly accused
who stands before you now.

Just make sure you're on time.

Service is our most
important product.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You look wonderful.
- Do I?

The best.

Where are my manners?

Paul, I want you
to meet Mary Jo.

- Hi.
- And that's Julia
and that's Suzanne.

Hi. I feel like we're
already old friends.

I mean, Charlene
thinks the world of you.

Charlene loves everybody.

Well, I guess we'd better
go see if there's anything

in my friend's warehouse
that interests you.

He's a doll.

I could really go for him.

Well, he meets all
your requirements.

He's breathing.

I bet he's got some great stuff.

If this merchandise is any good,

I'll eat my shoe.

About that shoe, Julia,

I hope that includes the heel.

Oh, my gosh.

The agent assures me it's
real quality merchandise.

It's a distressed sale.

Some Arab sheik's
having problems

since oil prices dropped.

[whispers] Thank you.

Mary Jo, are you having
a religious experience?

Back in '74, when I was sitting

in one of those
endless gas lines,

I prayed then that
someday, somehow,

it would all even out.

This is from only one of
the sheik's 26 mansions.

You know, it's
hard to believe that

all this stuff is for
sale at bargain prices.

Julia, why do you always
have to look a gift horse

in the mouth?

Because, if you
look one in the rear,

they usually kick you.

Heffel White chairs
with shield-back design.

Nice touch.

Tax included comes to $13,542.

Charlene told me that
you're on a tight budget.

Let's just make it
an even $10,000.

Oh, Paul, we couldn't
let you do that.

Oh, don't worry about it.

If it makes you
happy, it's worth it.

I assume you'll take a check?

You're like family.

Look, I've got
another estate sale

early tomorrow
morning in Chicago

and I just have enough
time to catch the red eye.

Otherwise, I'd help you load.

Oh, that's all right.
We have help outside.

Great. Well, it was
great meeting you.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Take good care of
my girl here, will ya?

I'll call you when I
get back, Charlene.

The Mastwicks are just gonna
drop when they see all this.

Okay, everybody,
grab a few things.

But Anthony hired those movers.

Who are being paid
by the hour, Suzanne.

I'm not asking you
to lift an armoire,

just a few vases.

[gasps] I've chipped a nail!

These hands were just not
designed for manual labor.

You know, it's times like these

I could just kill
that Gloria Steinem.

Charlene, can you get the door?

- Sure.
- Freeze!

You're all under arrest.

You have the right
to remain silent.

If you give up the
right to remain silent,

anything you say can and
will be used against you

in a court of law.

Excuse me,

but is there some place
where I can freshen up?

See, my mascara is smudged.

Aww. I'm afraid not.

We're installing
a tanning machine

in the ladies lounge.

This is something that
just drives me crazy.

I mean, this makeup specialist.

She swears up and
down that you have to get

the most expensive brand because
it's so much better than all the others.

So you buy it and it
turns out it's no better

than that $1.98 stuff you
can get at the supermarket.

Suzanne, those
pictures they just took

weren't for Harper's Bazaar.

I wish they'd
bring Julia in here.

She shouldn't have
argued with them.

They could put her in solitary.
Maybe even the big sweat box.

Mary Jo, this is a city jail.

I don't think they
have a sweat box.

I'm reporting every constitutional
right you have violated.

I am seriously involved with
Reese Watson, the attorney.

The press calls him the
"Clarence Darrow of Atlanta".

When he finishes
suing this place,

you'll be lucky to get a job
assisting the Tidy Bowl man.

Will you shut your mouth?

You are driving me crazy!

One more word and we're
gonna do a full-body search.

I beg your pardon.

You heard me.

Listen very carefully,

if any person dares to violate

one orifice on this body,

she will be eating
her teeth for breakfast.

I do indeed appear to be

the picture of
Southern gentility,

but when I get riled,

I make Rambo look
like Little Mary Sunshine.

Am I making
myself crystal clear?

I want y'all to know that
this is just a big mistake.

I mean, just a big,
huge, ugly, fat mistake.

And Paul will
get us out of here.

Charlene, Paul is the
owner of a warehouse

of stolen goods.

What am I gonna tell my kids?

What will I say?

That mommy
visited a pretty place

with iron bars?

It's only jail.

- One night.
- Only jail?

I don't know any...
Besides Anthony...

Who's ever been in jail before.

Yeah, you do.

- Who?
- Me.

I don't believe that.

Oh, no. When I
was in high school.

Beth Ann Motsky...
She was this new girl

in town and all the popular
girls treated her like dirt

because she didn't have
any nice, fancy clothes.

So I decided I'd be her
one-person welcome wagon.

And we got picked
up for shoplifting.

It seems that Beth Ann
wasn't life's most honest person.

And she had $600 worth
of mood rings on her.

I got kicked off the
cheerleading squad.

I got stripped of my pom poms.

But I held my head high

because I knew I was
just an innocent victim

of circumstantial evidence.

Like us.

And Paul.

I can't imagine
what's keeping Reese.

Suzanne, you did tell him
it was urgent, didn't you?

Oh, I didn't speak to Reese.

Well, then you still have
your one phone call left.

Well, no, actually.

I called and canceled my
11:00 body wave appointment.

You used your one allotted
call to phone the beauty parlor?

You don't just not show up
for a Mr. Picard body wave!

He might never take me again.

Anyway, I didn't think
they'd count that call

because I put it
on my credit card.

And I was gonna use
their dime to call Reese,

but well, he's your boyfriend.

Why didn't you call him?

Because I had to
stop that $10,00 check!

Your friend Paul will
certainly be at the bank

first thing in the morning.

I called home.

Told the babysitter
to tell the kids

I got tied up

redecorating some
government buildings.

There.

It's kind of true.

Yeah, I think you're
definitely ready

for white lie grad school.

Well, by the way,
I called Anthony

and told him to call Reese.

I mean, I had no intention
of us rottin' in here.

Your attorney is
here to see you.

- Thank goodness.
- In here, Mr. Watson.

Thank you, madam guard.

Ah, my four clients.

What a miscarriage of justice.

We'll have you
innocents out here shortly.

Anthony, what on earth
are you doing here?

Breaking into a
rash, that's what.

Believe me, it is not
my general practice

to voluntarily walk into a room

with iron bars.

Where's Reese?

I don't know where that dude is.

I left six messages
on his machine.

You know, you can get a
serious hearing impairment

listening to those beeps?

I cannot believe you said
you were Reese Watson.

All I said to that chief was that I
was here to help with your defense.

He said, "You must
be the big shot esquire."

I am not in the
habit of correcting

anyone with a badge and a .38.

Then you saw the
police lead us away

from that warehouse
with those handcuffs.

My associates and
I did not stay around

to witness that event.

As soon as we
saw the men in blue,

we hot-footed it out of there.

I want to apologize for that.

It was an involuntary reaction

and I am deeply
ashamed and remorseful.

That's all right. We understand.

I want you to know that I got

my favorite bail
bondsman working on this.

And I believe we can expedite

this whole, unfortunate
incarceration thing real soon.

There seems to be
another Reese Watson

waiting downstairs.

Ah, that must be dad.

[chuckles]

I'm a junior.

Mom was of a
darker skin persuasion

than dad.

That's the new
liberal South for ya.

All right. All right, ladies.

You are free to go.

Clarence Darrow's
posted your bail.

By the way, they
located your partner.

- Who, Paul?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, then this whole,
awful misunderstanding

will be straightened out.

- Where is he?
- Cook County Jail, Chicago.

The bozos got a rap sheet
longer than the Mississippi.

They're bringing
him back tonight.

All right, ladies!

This suite's opening up.

[phone ringing]

Sugarbakers'.

No, thank you. I would not
like to have my face rearranged.

- That was him again?
- I don't know about you, Julia,

but having my life
threatened three times a day

is beginning to
wear on my nerves.

It'll all be over after
we testify tomorrow.

Mary Jo, what are you doing?

Trying to avoid
ricocheting bullets.

We are perfectly safe.

We have police
protection out there.

Oh?

Then how come we never
see that police protection?

They're in unmarked cars.

They don't want
to blow their cover.

Well, what's the big secret?

I say we put a neon
sign over the front door

that says, "Freeze.
You're surrounded."

Hi, everybody.

What's the matter?

We got another
one of those calls.

Oh.

Well, you know, I
mentioned those calls to Paul

when I went to visit him in jail

and he said that his friend's
just a big practical joker.

He was probably just kidding.

Well, he sure doesn't
sound like Jay Leno

when he says we're
dead meat if we testify.

Well, he doesn't
mean "dead" dead.

You know, it's just
a turn of phrase.

He's just a little
upset about the fact

that we're gonna testify

about what happened.

It does kind of make
Paul sound guilty.

Doesn't that tell you something?

Well, all I know
is I can't testify

against a friend.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Come in, Detective Delaney.

Just want you to
know they weren't able

to get another postponement,

so the trial's definitely
on for tomorrow.

I also want you to
know how proud I am.

You doing your civic duty

without the slightest regard
for your own personal safety.

Our own personal safety?

Don't worry.

We haven't had a
witness problem in years.

The few men I have
are more than enough

to give you
first-rate protection.

Well, I'll be seeing
you ladies tomorrow.

That's it!

My babies could be orphans.

I'm not testifying.

Count me out.

We're talking about
the possible destruction

of my perfect high
cheekbones and...

I do not mess around
with my meal ticket.

Are you gonna let lowlife scum

intimidate you out of doing
the morally right thing?

- Uh-huh.
- Me, too.

Fine.

I'll go solo.

At least there's one person
here who has the courage

to stand up for our
legal justice system.

And we salute ya for it, Julia.

Well, I think joining
Weight Watchers

is a very positive
step, Mrs. Wagner.

Now, I know Mary
Jo's gonna be happy

to hear that she
was instrumental

in that decision.

[chuckles] Definitely
no more peacock chairs.

Yes. And I will be
dropping by to pick up

that $3,000 deposit later today.

Um-hmm. Bye-bye.

Okay.

They didn't come.

Who cares?

I'm perfectly capable
of doing this myself.

I never know what
to wear to court.

I asked the sales
lady to give me

something truthful
and courageous-looking

in a pastel.

And she did.

Thank you.

Well, we do have the
same mother, after all.

It's beginning to show.

Oh, thank heaven.
You're still here.

Are you testifying?

As I said to my kids at
breakfast this morning,

"Ask not what your
country can do for you,

ask what you can
do for your country."

I always had this enormous
crush on John Kennedy.

Um, Detective Delaney
will be right in for us.

Are you gonna testify, too?

Yeah.

I've been thinking about
everything you said, Julia.

And my place is with my friends.

You can always find men,

but good friends...
Them you don't let down.

Together, we stand.

And I want you to
know my decision

had nothing to do with the
call I got from Paul's lawyer.

Paul's lawyer called you?

Yeah. He said if we
agreed not to testify,

Paul wouldn't name
us as accomplices.

Well, I called the D.A. and
had him tell Paul's lawyer

what he could do
with his little deal.

Oh, Char, you must be so upset.

Disappointments happen.

I can roll with it.

Not everybody turns out
to be Prince Charming.

[car horn honking]

I just have to say I'm
pretty proud of all of us.

Okay, let's go fry the sucker.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA