Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 8 - I Do, I Don't - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[dog barks]

Mary Jo, how many of those
pictures you gonna cut up?

As many as it takes to
communicate with these upholsterers.

They don't speak
a word of English.

You can only say so
much with your hands.

For example, this morning,
I was trying to explain

"tuft."

Now the nephew thinks
I want larger breasts.

I don't.

Well, if it isn't Imelda Marcos.



My, we outdid ourselves today.

Can you believe that poor woman?

- Who?
- Imelda.

All that money? All those
thousands of shoes and dresses?

She still wound up with
a big bun on her head,

looking like a high
school prom chaperone.

Did you find a
dress for tonight?

Yeah. I think so.

Julia, look.

Reese sent roses.

Oh, that man! [laughs]

He's gotta stop.

I know. It's only a
six-month anniversary.

Well, I always say
I don't deserve him,



but nobody else does, either,

so I may as well
have him for myself.

What incredibly wonderful
place is he taking you to?

I don't know. He's
being mysterious

about a lot of things.

Including a special gift for me,

which he will only say is yellow

and I can hold it on one finger.

You're kidding. Well,
"yellow" must mean "gold."

- He's giving you
an engagement ring!
- I didn't say that.

What will you say if it is?

I don't know.

It would be nice to
be asked, I suppose.

I'm not ready to get
married again yet.

Well, that's good, 'cause I don't
think you're gonna get asked.

- Suzanne!
- Suzanne!

Well, I'm just being realistic.

I mean, come on, all the women

down at the country club are
hot to trot for Reese Watson.

Mary Alice just
died two years ago.

Now, why would he want
to tie himself down again?

Well, he wouldn't, Suzanne,
without sufficient motivation.

However, I assure you

that if I wanted
to motivate him,

I could do so a lot sooner

than you can jump the next
unsuspecting man from behind.

You know, I bet there's a ring,
and he'll hide it in something.

That's what everybody does now.

They hide it in
flowers or under a plate

or inside a napkin.

You're joking.

Whatever happened to
just an old-fashioned box?

Well, no, that's boring!
Nobody does that anymore.

How'd Ted give you yours?

I didn't get a ring.

I got a gift certificate.

I'll never forget my
friend Brenda Barker.

She got hers inside
a piece of cake.

Only she didn't know it till
she started choking on it so bad,

they had to take her
to the emergency room.

Her fiancé, Donald, got so mad

after they pumped
up a 65-dollar dinner,

he took the ring back, and they
eventually married other people.

Great story. You'll
want to save that one

in case you're ever
on The Tonight Show.

Please, let's just stop talking

about all this ring business.
I'm not getting a ring.

I wish I'd never brought it up.

I don't know, Julia.

"Yellow."

"Fits on one finger."

What else could it be?

One of those little plastic
bananas on a key chain.

♪♪♪

You know, I can hardly believe

that we've been
going out together

for six months today.

Happy anniversary, darlin'.

Now, I just want to
tell you something

so we can settle back and
enjoy the rest of the evening.

But you have to promise
me you won't get mad.

Mad? Reese, why on earth

would I get mad at you tonight?

Well, I don't know,
but you could.

Don't be silly.
Go ahead, try me.

All right. Darling...

you've made a
mistake with your hair.

Thank you, thank you.

- Bon appétit.
- [chuckles]

I like this guy. [chuckles]

Have you noticed
how all the waiters now

have to have a
relationship with you?

I mean, they gotta tell you
their name is Greg or Bob or Bill,

and just when
you got a mouthful,

they're standing right
there wanting to know,

"How's that swordfish?"

I like a guy who serves
the food and gets out.

What do you mean, a
mistake with my hair?

Well, I mean it
doesn't flatter you.

Your features are angular.

And with your hair up,

it just brings all that forward.

Not that you aren't
still perfectly lovely.

I see. I didn't realize

my face was coming
on too strong for you.

I had no idea it was
so overwhelming,

or I would've worn
a bag over my head.

There you go. Now you're mad.

A rose for madam.

No... I'm not mad.

I appreciate your telling me.

Why, without your input,
who knows how many people

I might've offended tonight
just by looking at them?

Okay. I'm just trying to
give you a little tip there.

You don't have to get mad
and burn down the restaurant.

Are you looking for something?

Just a nervous habit.

Darling, you don't need me
to tell you you're gorgeous.

You know it. Everybody
knows you know it.

It's written all over
that cocky little walk.

Still, it's nice to be told.

All right.

You're gorgeous.

Don't you think she's gorgeous?

Oui, monsieur.

[chuckles] I like this guy.

He's right on top of it.

Well. Maybe you two
can get together later

and have drinks
in the piano bar.

Hey... let's not fight.

This is our anniversary.

I want to tell ya,

these past six months have been

among the finest of my life.

I also want to say

I've represented
guys on death row

who took less
interest in their food.

♪♪♪

[Julia laughing drunkenly]

Well... this was a
wonderful dinner.

Now what?

Here. Don't you
want to tear open

this last roll? There
might be something in it.

Don't be silly.

I wasn't looking for anything.

I was just hungry.

I noticed. [chuckles]

Well, I guess I'd better get on

with this gift business

before they roll you
outta here on a gurney.

Okay. Now, first, you
have to close your eyes.

They're closed.

All right.

Now open.

[canary warbling]

Well? What do you think?

- [Reese chuckles]
- A bird?

This is what you were giving me

that's yellow and
fits on one finger.

Yeah! Do you like him?

Oh, yes.

Very much.

He's a fine bird.

[canary warbles]

You're disappointed.

No, I'm not.

Well, gosh, I thought my clues

were a little too on the nose.

No, you shouldn't have worried.

I could never have guessed,
not in a million years.

Not even if Jeane Dixon
and The Amazing Kreskin

were working with
me around the clock.

Why, hell, I... I
could'a got you

a fur coat... or a car.

But what would be the point

when you could get
me a bird like this?

You may take him away now.

We'll pick him
up on the way out.

Oui, madame.

[bad pronunciation] Bon appétit.

You don't know why
I got him, do you?

- No.
- Julia, don't you remember

telling me how you
lost your pet canary

when you were a little girl
and how it almost killed you

because it sang so beautifully

and was the first
pet you ever loved?

I remember having a canary,

but I don't remember
being that overwrought.

Come on! You were
sitting right in front

of my fireplace
when you told me.

It must've been Mary Alice.

With tears streaming
down your face.

I must've been
kidding. Oh, Reese,

you know how dramatic I can be.

Or maybe I was upset
about something else.

I do that sometimes.

When I don't want to talk
about what I'm really upset about,

then I just blame it
on something trivial.

Not that this bird is trivial.

This is truly a...

[almost tearfully] a fine bird.

Hogwash. You got a face

longer than our bar bill.

And it is yellow.

And it does fit on one finger.

Well, I can't believe it.

I mean, how could I be so dense?

You were expecting
a ring, weren't you?

A ring?!

No. Don't be ridiculous.

You can't fool me, kiddo.

You crushed six rolls
tonight and had an ice bucket

up to your elbow. You
were minin' for diamonds.

And you know it.

Reese, look into my
eyes and read my lips.

I was not expecting a ring.

Well, I'll be hornswaggled.

I'm just gonna
sit right back here

and bust my buttons.

I am flattered.

An old, ugly bear like me

and a beautiful girl like you.

This is your little
fantasy, not mine.

You bet it is.

And maybe it's time we
did something about it.

- What do you mean?
- Marry me.

- What?
- I said, "Marry me."

Forget the ring.
We don't need it.

We'll get a house and
raise the bird together.

I think your champagne
just kicked into overdrive.

What the heck? Why not?

I'm a man, you're a woman.

I rest my case.

Reese, my precious one,

- we cannot get married.
- Why not?

Because it's nuts.

Well, everybody else does it.

People not half as nice and
responsible as you and me.

Anyway, think of the
money we could collect.

What money?

Well, for some strange reason,

there's a lot of betting
pools being put together

speculating on the
odds against anyone

getting me down the aisle again.

[laughs] I myself
abhor this practice,

but... between all the
secretaries at the office

and a good number of
the Atlanta Bar Association,

we could be in for
three or four grand.

You old romantic dog, you.

Also, you're the first woman

who hasn't made
me feel lonely...

since Mary Alice died.

You're the first man

who's argued with
me since Hayden.

[chuckles]

What are you smilin' about?

Nothing.

I was just wondering if...

they might be up in heaven

having dinner together tonight.

Well, if they are, I
hope they're having

as good a time as you and me.

You think they wish us well?

Sure.

Heck, they love us, don't they?

What do you say?

I say...

you're gonna have a hard time

slippin' that bird on my finger.

[Reese laughs]

♪♪♪

Julia. Oh, you look awful.
What happened to you?

I look awful
because I feel awful.

And I feel awful
because last night

Reese Watson and I drank
all the champagne in Georgia.

Then we got married.

You got what?

Married. You know,
husband and wife.

Bride and groom.

Ball and chain.

Julia!

I don't believe it! Then
he did give you a ring.

No. Actually, he
gave me the bird.

But we got married anyway.

Well, gee! [laughs]

This is such a surprise!

I mean, we would've liked
to have given you a shower.

Thank you, I just had a shower.

Well, then, let me give
you both a party at the club.

Are you out of your mind?
I'm not staying married.

Why ever not?

Because, Suzanne, unlike you,

I do not do these things
every time the light turns green.

Anyway, if it weren't for you,

I wouldn't be in this
mess in the first place.

Me? What did I do?

You practically dared me.

You said I couldn't have
Reese even if I wanted him.

You know I can't pass
up a remark like that.

Well, at least you'll get
some money out of it.

What do you mean?
What are you talking about?

Alimony. Reese
owes you. After all,

you gave the man the
finest hours of your life.

I don't want alimony.

I want out!

We were intoxicated.

I am a widow. He's a widower.

We're still in mourning.

Well, Julia, how is
Reese gonna feel

about getting unmarried?

He will be devastated.

He was so happy last night.

Now the next time he
walks through that door,

I'm gonna have to take his heart

and shatter it into
a million pieces.

[sighs, chuckles]

Good morning, ladies. [chuckles]

How's my bride?

I trust all of you
have heard the news

of our recent nuptials.

Yes.

Congratulations.

Um, shall we celebrate
with some Sanka?

[chuckles] I'll
have some. Black.

Well, darling, we really
tied one on, didn't we?

Yes, I guess you
could say tha-at.

Boy. When I woke
up this morning,

I couldn't believe what
we had gone and done.

Would that someone
had tried to put us asunder.

[chuckles] But
don't worry, darlin'.

I'm tying up all the loose ends.

Just sign right here
on the dotted line.

What dotted line? What is that?

Annulment papers.

Annulment papers?

Now, darlin', you know
how I feel about you.

But we shouldn't have to
suffer the rest of our lives

for one careless,
stupid, drunken blunder.

Why, you old sweet-talker, you.

Now, Julia, don't
get on me here.

You know exactly
what I'm trying to say.

I understand. He
said he likes you.

He just doesn't want
to be married to you.

[curtly] Yes, I got that.

There's nothing
wrong with my hearing.

Just my judgment in men.

- Now, careful, darlin'.
- And I want to thank you

for your kindness
and sensitivity

in exposing this
obviously private moment

to family and friends.

I shall be happy

to sign your annulment
papers, Reese Watson.

I hereby annul you and
this entire relationship.

Now you may take your annulment,

fold it in five corners,

and put it where
the sun don't shine.

♪♪♪

[canary warbles]

Julia, I wish you'd at
least just try some of this.

You haven't eaten
anything in two days.

I'm not hungry.

We brought you some magazines.

Cosmopolitan.

Great.

It always cheers
me to see a woman

with nothing on but
suspenders from the waist up.

There. You can shred those
for the bottom of his cage.

- What'd you name him, anyway?
- Nothing.

Julia, that's terrible.
Everything should have a name.

Charlene, I'm not in the mood.

If he applies for a passport
or a driver's license,

I'll take care of it. Okay?

Well, I know, but you can't

just let him go through life
without any identity at all.

That's just not right.
I had a cat once...

All right, all right. You
can call him "Tweety."

Tweety it is.

Well, if you ask me, I think you

should just call up Reese,

forget the humiliation of only
being married for 15 minutes,

and get on with
the rest of your life.

Julia, you said yourself
that you didn't want

to be married.

I said it, and I meant it.

Reese Watson doesn't
have to marry me,

but he sure as hell ought
to want to be married to me!

Now, Julia, that's
selfish and small-minded.

That's who I am.

You are not those things.

Yes, I am!

I have to have my way!

It's a chromosomal defect
among the women in our family.

- It is not.
- It is, too.

You're like that.
Mother's like that.

All the Sugarbaker
women are like that.

Look, the truth of
this whole thing is

that if we hadn't been
there the other morning,

you would've signed
those papers in a minute

and not given it
another thought.

You're just embarrassed.

And that's silly 'cause
we're your friends.

That's right. You can't
just lie up here forever.

Why not?

Well...'cause... your
muscles will sag.

You'll get poor
circulation and facial hair.

That reminds me. I want
you all to promise me

if I'm ever paralyzed
or lying in a hospital bed

unable to move my arms that
you'll be there with tweezers.

If you'll do the same for me.

I don't have facial hair.

I hate to break up
a panel discussion

on a topic of this importance,

but it is time for
my soap opera,

and I want to see
if Frank and Kim

are going to get the
loan on their discotheque.

All right, we can take a hint.

Um, sure you don't
want anything to eat?

I'm sure.

Okay. Well, if you
change your mind,

you just call.

All right.

[canary warbles]

Oh, I just hate it that
Julia's so depressed.

I've never seen her like this.

She's usually so on top of it,

so in command.

This must be what
it's like at Chrysler

when Lee Iacocca has the flu.

Julia? There's a
telegram here for you.

We haven't opened it,

but we can just
smell it's from Reese.

Now, I've been up those
stairs for the last time.

If you want it, come and get it.

Is that true? Did
she get a telegram?

In a manner of speaking.

If there's one thing
Julia can't resist,

it's a man admitting
he was wrong.

Hmm. Well, she
seems to be resisting

pretty well so far.

Reese. What are you doing here?

I'm here for the wedding.

Wha... Wha... Wha...
What wedding?

Julia's and mine.

This is Reverend Gilbert.
He'll be doing the honors today.

Are you serious?

You're... You're actually
gonna get married again,

right here in the
middle of the store?

We certainly are,
unless you think

it might impede
the flow of business.

I know you. You
look so familiar.

Have you ever been to Wimbledon?

No.

Where is she, anyway?

I'm right here.
And I'd like to know

just what in the Sam Hill
you think you're doing?

Come down these
stairs. I want to talk to you.

Don't order me around.

Julia, either you come
down these stairs,

or I'll come up and get ya.

This is good.

All right. I'm coming.

But only to get
something I left in my desk.

- What do you need?
- A rubber band.

One of the little seats

fell off Tweety's Ferris wheel.

♪♪ ["Wedding March"]

If you care anything at all

about your instrument,
you will stop.

I know.

Have you ever been on
Evelyn Jarbo's party barge?

No. I don't think so.

I recognize the name.

Tall, lots of makeup.
Always has a dog with her.

What are you doin' here?

I got your telegram.

My telegram?

Yes, your telegram.

And I decided if
you can be that big

about the way I behaved,
well, I can be bigger.

What telegram? I
didn't send a telegram.

Suzanne just told
me you sent me one.

[chuckling] And
let me be the first

to congratulate both of you.

- Suzanne!
- Oh.

Well... I admit I did it

just to get the two of
you back together again.

I had no idea he was gonna
show up with a minister.

You people are so extreme.

Look, it doesn't matter
who sent what to whom.

This time, I want this
thing to be done right

and with dignity.

Put this deal on your head.

And this time, try to be quiet.

Reese, this is a
very sweet gesture.

This is no gesture. This
is a bona fide wedding.

This is what you wanted,

and I don't want to
hear any more about it.

Reverend, now, could we please?

Just try to muster
up a little dignity here.

Have you been drinking again?

That is not a
dignified question.

- Dearly beloved...
- Stop.

I can't marry you.

Are you turning me down?

Well, I have to. I'm
just not ready yet,

but I adore you doing this.

You're sure this
is what you want?

I'm sure I never loved you more.

I've been acting like an idiot,

and all the time I've known

that you're the only man for me,

married or annulled.

[chuckling] Come here.

- [Julia chuckles]
- This is so romantic.

It's just like Rhett
and Scarlett.

Ladies, you're my witnesses.

Let the record show
she turned me down.

That's right. We
saw it in person.

And I'm a notary public.

All right. I've got an
official rejection here,

and Charlene's
gonna notarize it.

Reverend, looks like you and I

just got the shaft.
Sorry about that.

No problem. These
things happen all the time.

You'll know when it's right.

Maybe next time, you
can get the complete outfit.

Thank you, Reverend.

And now, if my, uh,

almost bride would allow me...

I would like to
take you to lunch.

I would love to. Just let
me slip into something.

Okay. I'll get rid
of these fellas.

Oh. Oh, and, Reese,
one more thing.

In the future,

when you hire a
minister to fool me,

don't use the parking
attendant at the country club.

I knew you wouldn't
go through with it.

Next time, don't
press your luck.

♪♪ [theme]