Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 7 - Perky's Visit - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[phone ringing]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, I'm sorry. Our
designer's not in right now.

Could I be of any help?

Well, I know I
don't sound like it,

but try me.

No, we're to the trade only. Are
you working with a decorator?

Well, why don't you give
me your name and number

and we'll get back
to you. [sobbing]

Right. Thank you for calling.



You can't spend the
rest of your life crying

just 'cause Mason's moving.

Well, I just don't
understand why

he had to tell me this
right at Thanksgiving.

Well, call him up and
have him pay for a ticket

to fly you to Tokyo.

Oh, Suzanne, I couldn't accept

a plane ticket just
'cause he feels guilty

about moving away.

I mean, I wouldn't
have any integrity.

You know, sometimes I
think about stuff like that.

Then I just try and put
it right out of my mind.

Suzanne, I don't want
to hurt your feelings,

but I just don't think the
day before Thanksgiving



is the time to try to
figure out how to cook.

Especially with your
mother bringing a friend

and Mary Jo inviting J.D.

I mean, these people
are going to be expecting...

food.

Are you wearing shoes that tie?

No, why?

Well, it says here

I'm supposed to
lace this thing up.

Hey, ladies. How's it going?

Where's Julia and Mary Jo?

With a client. Anthony,
where have you been?

I've been trying to
page you in the truck.

We got all sorts of people screaming
to have stuff delivered by Thanksgiving.

- Didn't your beeper go off?
- Well, yeah.

As a matter of fact,
it did, Charlene.

I was at a stoplight
parked next to a guy

in a Mercedes convertible
talking on a car phone.

So I asked him if
I could borrow it.

He said, "If it was
all right with me,

he would rather that I didn't."

Can you believe those guys?

I mean, who do they
think they foolin'?

They're not talking about
nothing on those phones.

They're saying stuff
like, "Yeah, Phil?

"Would you go into
my office immediately

and staple everything
on my desk together?"

I just want to know if you delivered
those drapes to Tommy Thompson.

Well, of course I did. Do I look like
somebody who is not responsible?

Well, he called and
you weren't there yet.

I don't even want to hear this.

I mean, I don't even like
going out to the dude's house.

I am trying to hang the drapes

and he keeps coming
in every five minutes

with his friend.

"Look at him, Richard.

Doesn't he have the strongest
shoulders you've ever seen?"

And then, when I'm leaving,

he starts following me, saying,

"Anthony, are you sure
you can't stay for a cocktail?"

Huh. Don't "cocktail" me.

This is not my
first time in Dodge.

Well, I just hope
you didn't insult him.

Hey, I was nice to the man.

I just don't like the
way he talks about Julia.

He's always saying stuff like,

"She doesn't really
know anything about

the decorating business,
she just thinks she knows."

Aww, he's just jealous.

He and his partner
are trying to start

their own design house.

Yeah, if we don't know anything,

how come he's such
a good customer?

I don't know.

But if he don't watch his mouth,

he's gonna be a gone customer.

Anthony!

Hey! Why are you so cranky?

Her boyfriend's moving away.

You mean the big dude
who weighs 300 pounds?

That's him.

He's moving to Tokyo.

Has Tokyo been notified?

All right. I'm gone.

I gotta take a sofa
back over there.

You know, the place
is looking real nice.

I really want to thank you
for inviting me tomorrow.

Well, you said you didn't
have anyplace else to go.

Well, yeah, I could
have gone over to

my parole officer's house but
that's kind of grim, you know?

He always makes me feel like:
use the wrong fork, go to prison.

Look, Mary Jo,
all that I am saying

is I'm not paying one
red cent on that ticket

and I have to, I will take it all
the way to the Supreme Court!

- What happened?
- We're on the way to the bank
to make that deposit.

Right? But the car breaks down.

So while they're working on it,

Julia decides that we
should walk to the bank

and make our
drive-thru deposit on foot.

Because inside the
bank doesn't open 'til 10.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Thank you, Charlene.

Anybody care for
a homemade roll?

No!

So, there we are,

standing in the drive-thru line.

And when we pull
up, so to speak,

to the glass window, the guy
refuses to accept our deposit

because we're
not inside a vehicle.

That's ridiculous.

So Julia commandeers the
backseat of the woman's car

behind us and starts
yelling for this woman

to drive us through
the drive-thru.

And then the bank manager

makes Julia get out
of the woman's car

and then the police come.

Need I say more?

Well, Julia, if you're not
going to pay the ticket,

what's your defense gonna be?

My defense is

that when I attempted to
use that drive-thru window,

I was indeed inside a vehicle...

The vessel in
which I have chosen

to go through life... my body.

Oh, Julia, don't be ridiculous.

No judge is gonna believe that.

If you'd gotten to chose,
you would have selected

a much newer model.

Suzanne, you know, I
am not in a good mood.

So if you would like to
pursue this line of thought,

I will be perfectly happy to get
my late husband's elephant gun

and blow you and your
homemade buns on out of here.

Okay.

- What now?
- Nothing.

You just had a little
flour on your license plate.

Everything looks so pretty.

Since Ted has the kids,

I just don't think I
could have stood

sitting at home, alone.

It's the first Thanksgiving
I've ever spent

without 'em. [sobbing]

Oh, I miss Mason
and my family, too.

Of course, at our house,
it was kind of a zoo

with 11 kids at Thanksgiving.

What was that like? Having
a hillbilly Thanksgiving?

Did you have turkey?

No. Possum.

Daddy killed it,
Momma stuffed it,

then at the table we'd
all have a big food fight

and afterwards
we'd whittle sticks

and sit on the front
porch picking our teeth!

Okay, okay. I was just asking.

Well, you're
always "just asking"!

I curse the day I ever told
you we had an outhouse.

Suzanne, is there anything
I can do to help you?

Well, yeah. You could
butter those rolls for me.

They're a little bit hard.

You'll have to use the
electric carving knife.

[solid thuds]

Oh! Anybody home?

Mother, what are you doing here?

We would have come pick you up.

Suzanne, as slow as you
are, we could go on life support

before you ever got there.

Bernice, this is my
daughter, Suzanne.

Oh, yes. How do you do?

Mother, you little stinker!

You're an hour
ahead of schedule.

Oh, that's all right.

Here, I picked up your paper.

Oh, Bernice and I can
take care of ourselves.

Just put a couple of
daiquiris in the blender.

I'm sure I know you
from somewhere.

I don't think so.

Oh, yes, I do.

You're from America, aren't you?

Why, yes, I guess I am.

A little arterial flow
problem above the neck.

Mother!

It's okay. Bernice knows.

We don't pretend, do we, love?

Ahh, hello, darlin'.

[laughter]

How are you, Perky?

Oh. Bernice, this
is Mary Jo Shively.

She's a decorator
and isn't she cute?

Oh, my, yes.

We are just so honored
that you could join us today.

- Isn't she cute?
- Oh, my, yes.

- Hi, Perky.
- Oh, darlin'!

Here, let me give you a big hug.

I didn't even see
you over there.

I was just waiting my turn.

Hello, Mrs. Clifton.
I'm Charlene Frazier.

Uh-huh. Very fine.

Well, I think the only
people we're waiting on now

are Anthony and
Mary Jo's friend, J.D.

Anthony?

Well, isn't that
the black fellow

who installed my carpeting?

Yes, it is.

[laughs] Well, that's fine.

I like him. He had
a way about him.

I don't believe this.

What are you
talking about, Julia?

Tommy Thompson!

Don't tell me!

All these years we
thought he was gay,

now he's getting married?

Not married. Buried.

What?

He was found dead in his home

about 4:30 yesterday afternoon.

"Authorities refused to comment

"on the exact cause of death,

"but the coroner's
initial report

is expected to
reveal foul play."

Well, that's just incredible.

Well, y'all don't think that...

- What?
- Anthony!

Our Anthony?

Well, he was over
there twice yesterday.

Yeah, and he was mad
at Tommy for insulting you.

Tommy always insulted me.

We insulted each other.

I mean, I never
liked him very much,

but it was always just a joke.

Well, Anthony wasn't laughing.

He told Tommy if he
didn't watch his mouth,

he'd be one "gone customer".

You don't think...

Well, he has been in prison.

And you know how
he's always telling us

he'll kill people for us?

I mean, remember that
time I was mad at Mason?

Yeah. Said he'd charge
you by the pound?

Well, I just don't believe this.

I mean, I've gone
to so much trouble

to make everything so perfect,

and now we're having a
murderer for Thanksgiving dinner.

All right, the
important thing is

to not jump to any
conclusions here.

I mean, we don't have any proof

that Anthony's done anything.

Well, that's right.

I mean, being in
prison isn't a crime.

Is it?

I just know he did
it. He looks guilty.

Oh, Suzanne. Everybody
looks guilty to you.

It's all my fault.

I never should have talked Julia

into giving him a
job in the first place.

Well, Charlene, I hate
to say "I told you so,"

but I was never
comfortable hiring someone

who listed his hobby as

"trying random codes at
automated teller machines."

- [car door slams]
- [gasps] I just heard
his car door slam.

- What are we gonna do?
- We're not gonna do anything.

We're gonna pretend
nothing is wrong

and then when he
goes home, we'll decide.

All right. Act
normal. Act normal.

- Ladies.
- [All] Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's all right.
You're not late.

Yeah, in fact, you've
still got time to kill.

If you've still got
more errands to run.

Nah, I've run all my errands.

And that man at the liquor
store was completely uncouth.

To me, it is just so off-putting

when someone accuses you
trying to pass a $5 as a $50.

How are you, Ms. Sugarbaker?

How are you, Anthony? This
is my friend, Bernice Clifton.

- How do you do?
- Well, I'm alive.

I just want to say that
it is indeed a pleasure

spending Thanksgiving
with all you lovely ladies.

In fact, I feel
as if I have died

and gone to white man's heaven.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I get
so carried away

when on holiday.

Please, allow me
to fill your glasses

from the private reserve

of Anthony Bouvier.

Yes, indeed.

This is going to be a
Thanksgiving to remember.

Anyone care for a homemade roll?

[All] No, thank you.

Well, all I can say
is, this is a fine meal.

This maroon dish
here is especially tasty.

Suzanne, what is it?

Canned beets.

Is that so?

Well, I never would
have guessed it.

They're very flavorful.

Well, I just can't understand
what's happened to J.D.

If he doesn't show
up, I'll take care of it.

Oh, no! That's okay. Really.

I'm not mad at him.

He's probably
been in a car wreck.

I just don't understand
why that turkey's so tough.

- Well, are you okay now,
Mrs. Clifton?
- I think so.

Well, let's just be
thankful that Anthony here

remembered the
Heimlich Maneuver.

My pleasure.

I had to use it a lot during
my unfortunate incarceration.

If you don't mind my asking,
Anthony, what were ya in for?

I really don't want
to talk about that.

I understand.

Anyway, you see this ring?

Well, when I was in prison,

two different guys
tried to steal it

by swallowing it.

But they didn't
figure on old Anthony

knowing how to
make it come back up.

[clears throat] I'm sorry.

That was a horribly vulgar story

and I could slap my
mouth for telling it.

Well, anyway, enough about me.

What about you lovely ladies?

Well, actually Anthony,

we are thinking of
moving to Montana.

Montana?

Why in heaven's name
would you want to do that?

Well, we want to see
the wide open spaces

and ride the range.

And maybe, at the
end of a long day,

have a cigarette
by the campfire.

Get serious, Mother.

Camping out for you
is staying in a hotel

where they don't put a
mint on your pillow at night.

Bernice and I are sick
and tired of playing Bingo

every night.

That's right.

They hired this
recreation director

and that's all he ever does.

I-47, G-29, N-60,
O-62, I-19... Bernice!

They get the picture.

This is you in 30 years.

And we're especially
tired of that Muzak

they play all day long.

What does it mean...

"someone left the
cake out in the rain"?

[laughs]

That's a good one. I like that.

Oh, I'm glad.
Please don't kill me.

[phone rings]

I'll get it!

It's probably J.D.

Oh, Perky, I just remembered
tonight is Thursday.

I don't want to miss Bing Cosby.

Excuse me, Mrs. Clifton. But
I think you mean "Bill" Cosby.

- Is he black?
- Yes, he is.

And Bing Crosby is white.

And dead.

Isn't that amazing?

And he does so
well in the ratings.

I like to watch the Cos

because he's a wonderful
role model for blacks.

My goal is to
finish high school,

get my degree in medicine,

and completely stop using
the word "be" as a verb.

That was J.D.

He was sorry he
couldn't make it,

but he's having a little
problem with his ex-wife.

- What's the trouble?
- She doesn't want to
be his ex-wife!

You want old Anthony to
have a little talk with her?

Let me give you her address.

- Mary Jo!
- I don't know
what's come over me.

Oh, Suzanne, the
dinner was so filling!

Why don't we just skip the pie?

It's okay.

You don't have to
make any more excuses

for not eating.

My pie burned up!

Okay, everybody, make a wish.

Well, this is some Thanksgiving.

And I can't believe you
all are sitting around,

drinking coffee,
and drying dishes

while a murderer lies
asleep on our sofa!

Let's just be thankful for

the "private reserve
of Anthony Bouvier".

Anyway, Suzanne, we don't know

he's a murderer.

Well, when are
we gonna find out?

Well, I'm certainly
not gonna ask him.

I say we call the police.

And I think it is just terrible
what you all are considering.

Now, I do not believe
that that young man

killed anybody.

And even if he did,

he was defending your honor.

Mother, where
are your principles?

Oh, Julia,

sometimes your principles
are too high-falutin.

Her father and I could
never keep any servants.

She was always liberating them.

Suzanne, on the other hand,

used 'em to run her
lemonade stands.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing.

I wasn't any better
at making lemonade

than I am at cooking.

Oh, my darlin'.

You should have
come to me for advice.

I could have told you
that cooking is not for you.

You were born for bigger things.

Like what?

Like when I used to
take you to the park

when you were
about two years old,

everybody used
to come up and say,

"Oh, my, what a
beautiful little girl.

Whatever will she be?"

I used to stand up
very tall and say,

"Why the center of
attention, of course."

You always used to say to me,

"Julia, being yourself
is way overrated.

Be whoever you
darn well want to be."

I used to like that one.

Then how come you
quit talking to me?

I do talk to you.

I call you all the time.

Yes, but now you
ask me dumb things.

Like "what did I
have for lunch?"

And "did I take my medicine?"

And it all started
when I moved into

that blasted retirement home.

And both of you started
treating me like an old person.

Is that why you're talking
about moving to Montana?

Because you're mad at us?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Julia, I'm not
moving to Montana.

Well, we never know
with you, Mother.

Oh, I just like getting
you two stirred up.

That center of attention thing.

You know that's hereditary.

Have we been
ignoring you that much?

Yes, you have.

And I have spent
a good deal of time

thinking about the
best way to punish you.

[car door slams]

Julia, a police car
just pulled up out front.

They're here for Anthony.

Everybody just stay calm.

It is not our place
to pass judgment

on Anthony's innocence or guilt.

- [doorbell rings]
- We just answer the questions
"yes" or "no"

and remember, this is a
black man with a prison record.

His life is in our hands.

- He's on the sofa.
- Julia!

Well, I'm sorry. We cannot
harbor a fugitive forever.

However I do want to
go on record as saying

that I don't think he did it.

Did what?

Whatever you think
he did. He didn't.

And even if he
did, he did it for us.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I can explain.

I'm not sure, but
I think this man

has been holding us hostage.

Bernice, that's not true.

Oh. Okay.

I don't know why,

but I've always hated waking up

with white people pointing at me

and a police officer
standing beside 'em.

You wanna tell me
what this is all about?

The Thompson murder.
Isn't Anthony a suspect?

Lady, I don't even
know who Anthony is.

Oh, where are my
manners? I'm sorry.

Officer, this is
Anthony Bouvier...

That's all right. We'll
meet some other time.

Oh, you're talking about
the Tommy Thompson case.

Oh, his business partner made
a full confession this morning.

Then why are you here?

Oh, to return this earring.

My partner said
that one of you lost it

in a squad car yesterday
during an altercation

at a bank?

Oh, Anthony, we
just feel terrible.

I wish you'd take some more
of that turkey for your dog.

I don't want anymore
of that turkey.

I like my dog.

Anthony, we are so sorry.

We promise we'll
make it up to you.

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

Ladies, what can I say?

It's been a fine afternoon.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanks again for
turning me in for murder.

- Happy Thanksgiving, Anthony!
- Happy Thanksgiving. Bye.

Well, Mother, you were
right about Anthony.

You're always right
about everything.

Yeah. Even about me not cooking.

Oh, darlin', I'm not
saying don't cook.

I'm just saying stick
to the maroon dishes.

We love you, Mother.

We're gonna do better by you.

Family and friends
are everything,

aren't they, Perky?

Oh, Bernice, you
can say that again.

Family and friends
are everything,

aren't they, Perky?

Yes, they are, love.

Isn't it a funny thing?

We spend most of our
lives worrying about things

that don't amount
to a hill of beans.

And then we spend
the last five years

worrying about the same
things as when we were babies.

Trying to get people
to pay attention to us,

want grown up food,
hoping for better toys,

and waiting for our Mother
and Father to come get us.

So we can all be together again.

That's beautiful.

Just remember,
inside we're all young.

That's right.

Every old person, you see,

is somebody's baby.

Well, happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving,
to you too, girls.

You've been so sweet to me.

I'd like to give you a
little piece of advice

that has held me in good
stead through the years.

Oh, we'd love to
hear that. What is it?

Always remember when the
sun has gone behind the clouds,

when everything has
lost its silver lining,

when things look
their absolute darkest,

cover your head with your coat.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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